Doubts about GF

thefa

Back yourself OP. I think you know you two are not a good match and you can find a better match.

Be disciplined with the breakup if you go down that road. Polite but firm in the act and resist letting the door open or keeping up parts of the relationship (messaging/sex) in the aftermath.

Be a little patient when you restart dating too, using what you’ve learned from this when you’ve had a date.

Realt Dearg Sec

Being "high maintenance" is a character flaw in my opinion. Nothing wrong with a flaw, obviously, but she TOLD you she's high maintenance like that's something you just have to deal with and accept, rather than something she feels she needs to work on and improve. Plenty of other red flags here but they all point in the same direction.

Other point: usually in these threads there is a tendency for people to encourage folks to break up and move on, which is easy to say when you're not involved yourself. But usually there's also some people encouraging people to work on things and communicate etc etc. There's not a single post on this thread saying anything other than "move on". You wouldn't get that one sided a vote in a North Korean election.

Larbre34

My friend, you have been blessed by a little glimpse into the perverse state of affairs known as 'marriage', while you are still in a position to walk away from it without any consequences.

She sounds like a childish, petulant, insufferable woman. Walk away and take her off like an old coat and put her in the bin.

riclad

bubblypop wrote: »

OP, one thing we all learn about relationships eventually, is that we can wish all we want but it doesn't make it so.
So, you wish your girlfriend would just be a little bit different in these tiny areas and everything would be great? But she isnt, and she won't be. And what she is is what she is.

I don't think you sound very well suited, partners can be different in many ways, but the basics in life need to be the same. Same work ethnic, same way of thinking about life you know? It may be time to move on.

She wants a Palace but takes days off work,
She's high maintenance, oversensitive , if you have to suppress your sense of humour, walk on eggshells,
That's a bad sign, you are not compatible in the long term
She sounds selfish and she is not realistic in terms of finance
Eg when you have a mortgage you can't afford to take days off and she wants you to pay for random items
Sounds like she does not like her job it's a basic job
Maybe retail
Who can just say ah sure I. M not going to work today
She sounds immature
It's your first relationship but it sounds like you are not compatible
My advice is think seriously is it time to break up
Those are not tiny areas
These are major issues that are not likely to improve
or dissapear
She is who she is
She's unlikely to change
She sounds grumpy and abit of a negative person
By the way houses are just going up
Have a plan to buy in the next year
or you may be left out of the market completely


And think there are smart sexy women out there who work
hard and don't expect the boyfriend to pay for everything
and are most of the time positive and cheerful
It sounds she's nice as long as you buy items for her
and don't make any laddish jokes

There's no law that says stay with a woman who is negative immature and lazy or irresponsible
It sounds like she gets a lot more out of the relationship
than you do
It also sounds like she expects you to buy a house
based on your earnings or savings

Realt Dearg Sec

Larbre34 wrote: »

My friend, you have been blessed by a little glimpse into the perverse state of affairs known as 'marriage', while you are still in a position to walk away from it without any consequences.

She sounds like a childish, petulant, insufferable woman. Walk away and take her off like an old coat and put her in the bin.

Clown

notAMember

I think you’ve already mentally broken up with her.

Tbh, everyone gets the edges rubbed off their personality a little bit to get along with others, so I wouldn’t stress too much about being told to tone down the laddish talk.

The poor work ethic, high maintenance comment and being godawful with money are reason enough to not continue the relationship though. That’s a recipe for a stressful life.

Be careful about how you break up with her. There are good ways and bad ways to do this. Don’t mention weight even once. Don’t be a dick about it. But do let her know the specifics of why, maybe she can think about self development when the dust settles.

Here’s one way.

Describe the situation
I would like to talk to you about our relationship - is now a good time for you to listen?

Describe the areas you talked about above. Not weight!
money, career, being high maintenance

Describe the impact .
I don’t feel we are compatible long term

And finally, what’s going to happen next
I’m sorry but I think we should go our separate ways. Wish her well.

fits

Fmreidman wrote: »

Hi All,

Thanks for the messages. There's a fair few comments so apologies if I don't address everything.



I realize I'm falling into the trap of defending her again but I still hold out hope that she can mend her ways. I feel as if a ultimatum and uncomfortable talk will be on the cards soon enough if she has another tantrum as everyone is right, it can't stay like this unless she makes an effort like I have been for the last 6 months.

Of course she is going to have good sides to her and it’s human nature to focus on these. But can you really see yourself raising children with her as she is now? ( not some better version) If you know you can’t it’s time to get out.

HildaOgdenx

Not much to add, OP, that hasn't already been said. I remember a thread here from some years ago, where a guy was in a very similar situation, except further down the road, house bought and so forth. And it wasn't good.

I know whirlwind romances can happen. I know a couple who married less than a year after they met, and are going strong. I worked with a guy who often told us that he proposed after two weeks, and they were a very happy couple.

But this is far too intense, after meeting during one of the strangest years that any of us have been through. You are beating yourself up, about being 'late to the party' so to speak. You need to get that idea out of your head.

As has been said by others, you sound like a really decent guy. Don't settle for this relationship. That's what you are doing whether you realise it or not. I'm sure your girlfriend has good qualities, but honestly there are so many negatives screaming at you there.

I picked out just this one line 'I want a long term partner who I can experience life with, be myself around...' and that isn't what you have here. She wants you to change almost everything about your personality. Listen to your doubts. Ask yourself if it was a friend who was in this relationship and asked your advice what would you say to him?

Mind yourself.

bitofabind

Fmreidman wrote: »

Hi All,
I haven't had a lot of female interaction throughout my life, I was a virgin up until 27 and generally avoided dating and sex all my life due to general insecurity.

I feel like this is really at the heart of why you are where you are. You felt inadequate over your lack of experience and rushed into this to have "the girlfriend experience" with the first woman that was up for that.

I've seen this a few times around here, and fallen victim to this myself. It's like a scarcity mindset that builds when you perceive yourself to be late to the relationship party. You're just looking for that person to validate that there isn't, in fact, something wrong with you.

I didn't have my first meaningful relationship until close to 30, totally unsuitable partner but boy did he love me and did I love him, stayed far too long and lived to tell the tale. To cut a long story short: no relationship is better than the wrong relationship. And that experience really informed what I wanted and needed in a partner, versus what is a "nice guy but it's not going to work" scenario. Which I was totally entitled to have. Experience or no experience: you need to know who you are and what you need. If nothing else, this woman has been a training ground for that. You need someone emotionally well-adjusted, who has an independent life, has a bit of drive and wants the same things as you in life. i.e a good life, an equal partnership, the same values.

There's nothing shameful or entitled or unreasonable about wanting those things. OP - these are pretty standard requirements for everyone else. What is shameful is getting knee-deep with a totally unsuitable partner and stringing them along despite knowing it's not right because you seem to believe it's her or being single forever more. You're 28! This is too young to settle for the first person who looks your way. You could date for another 10+ years and have a few more relationships before finding your life-long partner. Or you could meet her next week. Next year. The options are limitless for you. Don't let the insecurities tell you otherwise. Time to do the noble and honourable thing OP.

Virgil°

Fmreidman wrote: »

I realize I'm falling into the trap of defending her again but I still hold out hope that she can mend her ways.

I can tell you right now , this is not going to happen. Why would it? She can misbehave as much as she likes. When you challenge her on it she'll turn on the waterworks and you'll end up understanding. There's literally no incentive for her to change. And you have no bargaining power because she knows you don't have the courage to leave.
You're not being nice you're being a doormat and the funny thing is she'll probably eventually grow bored of you for it. If you're lucky.

Ironically the only thing that might shock her out of her ways would be you dumping her. But you'd actually have to leave her. And even then its not guaranteed.

I feel as if a ultimatum and uncomfortable talk will be on the cards soon

Soon? When is soon? You're being far too wishy washy about this. Sitting on your hands waiting for some miracle change from her that isn't coming. This ultimatum and uncomfortable talk should have been the second she started this behaviour. And when she didn't change you follow through on the ultimatum.
Your strategy of challenging her and then understanding and backing down hasn't worked and I promise you it will continue not to work.

I know i might have sounded harsh but you're settling because you believe that lightning struck and that nobody else will date you, which isn't true.

Fmreidman

Fmreidman wrote: »

I realize I'm falling into the trap of defending her again but I still hold out hope that she can mend her ways.

She won't and TBF she shouldn't have to change for you, neither should you change for her. She overcame a substance abuse issue which is commendable, but that doesn't mean she will change her personality or her basic beliefs that she lives by.

The sooner you realise that you cannot change other people, the better. If you find yourself thinking 'she would be perfect if......'
Then she's not perfect for you, she may be for someone else. It's not a slight on her, it just means she is not the one for you.

You are just not compatible, long term.

Tork

OP, you should never ever date somebody based on the person you think they might become. That, along with your insecurity about having a first girlfriend so "late in life" are a recipe for disaster. If this was a good relationship, you wouldn't have started a thread here on boards. Your gut is screaming at you that this is not the right relationship for you. Your misguided optimism about how she could change for the better and your terror of being single again are paralysing you. You really need to get out of this relationship while you are still in a position to make a clean break. You are at a good age to meet somebody more suitable for you and there is still plenty of time for you. Don't settle - you will go on to bitterly regret that decision.

qwerty13

I’d echo what others have said that she won’t change.

It stuck me that the language she used about her ex was that he “didn’t look after her” - it wasn’t his job to look after her, that’s her own responsibility. And she feels “safe” with you. In both cases, she’s using words that show that she doesn’t take responsibility for herself, and wants other people to be the adult. This is borne out by her attitude to money, and work. She may not be deliberately taking you for a ride financially - but she clearly doesn’t see money and work as things that she has to sort out herself.

The things you find off-putting about her aren’t just quirks or irritating habits: they are the fundamentals of a relationship - and quite often the very reasons that cause marriage breakups. My take on it is definitely to get out now - with each post, I’m seeing more and more red flags. And don’t have unprotected sex in the meantime.

Rubberchikken

Op
You sound like a decent good person and you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is decent and good and like you can see those traits in the other.
This person isn't right for you for all the reasons others have mentioned.

Life is too short and at times too tough to not have someone who is on your side, who supports in the bad times and enjoys the good time, whether big or small, who brings out the best in you and shares the silly times.

Take care

riclad

There,s very few people who marry their first girlfriend,
she sounds needy and neurotic and she seems to know little about finance
she seems to have no savings .maybe shes depressed, she put on weight, she has no proper exercise plan.
she,s not willing to change her diet.
if you bring up any issue she gets annoyed .
you are not able to be your true self around her.
i think you are almost ready to break up with her but you are wary about how to do it without hurting her feelings.
the problem is the longer you stay with her the harder it gets .
it seems a one sided relationship, she wants you to pay for most things.

zoobizoo

If you're looking for a good way to break up..... the best, and least painful way is to say

"My feelings aren't getting deeper for you"

Don't give reasons..... don't get into it...... don't start on your list about work, days off, weight etc.


Start off with "Hey........I think we need to talk". Then leave a big pause...... That will tee it up nicely for you to drop in the above line.


You've never broken up with anyone before so in my experience of splitting up, that one is the best way.

It's hard to start the process but if you can, do it somewhere public where you can make a quick exit. Ie, don't do it at a bus stop where you'll both be waiting for the next buses to come along.


If you can get away with it, and it's something I've never really done, but then again, I've never gone out with someone like this BREAK UP BY TEXT OR ON THE PHONE.

Why?

Because it sounds like she might
-suck you back in
-go nuts
-try to make you go through your list

riclad

My experience is people don't change , ie her personality is
negative, grumpy, not smart or interested in a career.
Meanwhile there s plenty of single women out there who are smart hardworking and kind
She wants a nice house, but has no savings
I don't think she's compatible with you.
There's a honeymoon phase women go thru, but after a few months their real personality shows through
Whether it's good or bad
You were happy to have a gf but now you realise she may not be right for you in terms of a long term partner

notAMember

zoobizoo wrote: »

If you're looking for a good way to break up..... the best, and least painful way is to say

"My feelings aren't getting deeper for you"

Don't give reasons..... don't get into it...... don't start on your list about work, days off, weight etc.

BREAK UP BY TEXT OR ON THE PHONE.

Both of these suggestions are horribly unkind, and frankly, cowardly cop outs. These two are the worst possible ways to break up with anyone.

Do not do this. This girl has been kind and loving towards you , despite her flaws snd your incompatibilities. She does not deserve the cruelty of being dumped without reason.

Always tell someone the truth about why it isn’t working out, without being hurtful.

zoobizoo

notAMember wrote: »

Always tell someone the truth about why it isn’t working out, without being hurtful.

I'm breaking up with you because you are fat, have a poor diet, don't exercise, have no career, prospects, have a poor work ethic, are judgemental, etc etc etc

Or

Sorry, my feelings aren't getting any deeper for you.


Which one is less hurtful?

Dog day

zoobizoo wrote: »

I'm breaking up with you because you are fat, have a poor diet, don't exercise, have no career, prospects, have a poor work ethic, are judgemental, etc etc etc

Or

Sorry, my feelings aren't getting any deeper for you.


Which one is less hurtful?

Agreed, in this scenario a simple ‘I don’t see a future here’/‘we’re not compatible’ is the best approach but certainly not just via text/phone. An in-person chat is just basic respect.

TBF to notAMember they used the key words: ‘without being hurtful’. By default we of course hurt people when one wants to break up & the other doesn’t, but a kind delivery is key. It’s not the OPs responsibility, during a break up conversation, to outline his GFs characteristics that make them incompatible. He appears very measured & self aware & from what he’s told us I believe few would endure his GF. Hopefully she’ll learn as she grows! Best of luck OP.

ILoveYourVibes

Fmreidman wrote: »

I hate thinking like this but there's always a nagging doubt in my head that I'm settling for her because I'm so inexperienced in relationships and I could do better with someone who I can be myself around a bit more and will be less needy emotionally and financially and be able to look after themselves. .

I can SO relate to this.

I think a lot of people are in exactly the same boat my friend. You have hit the nail on the head.

It doesn't have to be a BAD relationship for it not to be the RIGHT relationship. She doesn't have to be HORRIBLE for her not to be right for you.

YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Look at it this way...you are holding each other back probably from growing as people.

There,s very few people who marry their first girlfriend,

THIS

Also the people you date when you are young even second third etc ...just nope. You have to know yourself.

Don't worry about her ....you are not right for her either.


Just be honest with her....in a nice way.

Say you don't feel compatible with her.

notAMember

zoobizoo wrote: »

I'm breaking up with you because you are fat, have a poor diet, don't exercise, have no career, prospects, have a poor work ethic, are judgemental, etc etc etc

Or

Sorry, my feelings aren't getting any deeper for you.


Which one is less hurtful?

I said be truthful, not be brutal and cruel.


Both of those are quite childish tbh. I know OP is young, but he's not a 13 year old. It's a similar process to follow for letting an employee go, or giving negative feedback to your direct reports. Think about any of the times you've been broken up with, or had some feedback on a job where you messed up. Are specifics good, or is it better to be left not knowing what you did wrong?

OP has good intentions. I have no doubt he is someone who who wants this girl to come out the otherside with the impression of being treated well, not wanting to chuck themselves off a bridge.



My earlier post had it detailed, but here again rephased. It's important to prepare btw, this isn't something you've done before so think it through.


Have good intentions, not to undermine her, but to explain what the issue is, so that she's not left wracking her brain for it and making it up herself. And always, always do it in person. Let her have her response, but if you've decided to end it, be firm.


First, make sure it's understood it's a serious conversation by saying, "can we talk about our relationship, is now a good time?"

Second, describe how your outlooks are different.
"I believe we have some incompatibilities / I think we have different values / I think our outlooks are different on a few things."

Then give the specifics
"How we think about our careers are really different / I've noticed we have very different work life balance ideas" Give the example here about how she skipped work when she didn't feel like it.

"I believe we have very different ideas on how money works, that will probably be incompatible or lead to us fighting long term" Give the example of being broke at the end of each month

Let her talk. listen.


Then finish it up.

"For the reasons we've spoken about, I think we would be wasting each other's time to continue as boyfriend and girlfriend. I would like us to break up. I hope you understand this is because I don't think we'd work out in the long run."

Dog day

notAMember wrote: »

I said be truthful, not be brutal and cruel."

I totally appreciate where you’re coming from but when people are being broken up with they’re often by definition not in good place to have an in-depth discussion about all the reasons why, particularly I believe in a scenario such as this where it’s a relatively new relationship that from what we know so far has truly reached the end of the line for the OP.

The rhetoric you’ve chosen to advise the OP to use almost implies that it could be open for discussion. In my experience if you’ve made up your mind to break up with someone doing so as kindly & as swiftly as possible is best for both parties. Surely the OP can have a brief ‘we’re incompatible’ conversation with his GF. Indeed I think given all he’s told us she wouldn’t even be best placed to take in the nitty gritty detail as to why he’s come to the decision, that’s if he does finally bite the bullet & do so which practically every poster is in agreement with.

We can’t change the core of what makes people whom they are. His GF will hopefully learn & grow but that has to come from within her. And though I get where you’re coming from with the professional feedback analogy it’s not a ‘like with like’ comparison. Matters of the heart are surely far more emotive.

notAMember

Dog day wrote: »

I totally appreciate where you’re coming from but when people are being broken up with they’re often by definition not in good place to have an in-depth discussion about all the reasons why

I didn't describe an in depth discussion. I only had 5 or 6 sentences. That whole conversation should only take 15 to 20 minutes.


Stick to a very small set of specifics (2 or 3), don't be cruel or embellish.


I didn't invent this, it's the bare-bones of training that people get on handling difficult conversations and how to do it well. With sensitivity and preparation, it can be a positive experience for both parties. People I had to fire came out of chats like this thanking me for the honestly and for being straightforward. It's the same principle.

From this conversation, she should end up with "we broke up because we were incompatible", not "I've been dumped"

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Apologies for the silence, I've been pretty busy in work.

Thank you again to all for your comments. Just want to clear up a few things.

I think I was a bit unfair in how I'm describing her and some posters are writing things that may not be totally accurate as a consequence. I wouldn't describe her as grumpy, majority of the time she's in a good mood, happy and hopeful for the future and she is in no way judgmental if anything she's the complete opposite, she has friends from all walks of life and doesn't think she's above anyone, she gives money to homeless people and is always there to help out those in need.

What mainly leads to her getting upset with myself is over something I'll say as constructive (e.g. maybe you should change your fitness routine) or I'll make a comment, in jest or if we're talking about something random which she'll misconstrue as me slagging or making a comment about her weight or job situation or whatever it might be she's insecure about. To be honest the silly comments thing I am trying to get better at as interacting with lads all your life conditions you to act a certain way which I think is a good thing and I don't think it's the worst thing to get checked on but it still does have an impact of me playing chess in my head whenever I'm talking to her, looking a few moves ahead of where this conversation could go.

Some people have mentioned before that she needs a shock to set her straight by me leaving her. We've never got into a real argument but she's had two times where she's gotten very upset at me, worse than ever and both times honestly were a misunderstanding she took the wrong way, which granted, I could have conveyed better. However, Both these two times were a bit different then her usual upset moments as not only was she extra annoyed but, to be frank, she was totally in the wrong both times.

Generally when she gets annoyed, there is a valid point she has which I'll take on board which is fair in my eyes but if it's something where I've done nothing wrong, then my patience wears thin for trying to be there for her and understand what's wrong. I think I may have mentioned this before but I have very little time for arguments in my personal life, unless it's something really drastic, I'll avoid an argument as much as possible and I can't remember the last time I got in a real argument with my friends or family. My response to her both of the above times was to sit there in silence and allow her to let it all out then leave in silence. I know, not the most mature thing to do but again, I have no time for screaming matches with those close to me which it would have turned into if I answered back. Both of those times after I left her without saying anything I think she thought I was going to leave her and quite clearly got scared and she said sorry and she'll work on herself which I took her word for.

We haven't had another instance like that since, and things are good for the last few weeks after the last time she got really upset, she hasn't got annoyed at me recently but I can see the signs that she's slowly reverting back to getting annoyed over things I say and do and I'm starting having to play chess in my head again.

Regarding her being lazy, again I wouldn't call her that, she just is not into the jobs she has which range from hospitality to retail to everything else. In terms of keeping anonymity I won't say what her true passion is but she is no way shape or form lazy when it comes to her passion and is trying to make a career out of it but it's something that only 0.1% of people in the world make money from so it's causing her to resort to these retail type jobs she doesn't care a lot about.

Again on her weight, she does exercise frequently and tries to eat healthy but she's just too stubborn to understand that her routine is not working and she over eats despite eating healthy foods and she needs to try something else. I don't see the shame in trying a new routine at all, as I've written previously, I lost a fair bit of weight a few years ago and it was a trial and error process for different diets and such. I commend her for trying to lose weight but at the same time, she's doing it totally arseways and is never going to see any results doing what she's doing which she takes personally when brought up or even when not brought up somehow. Again, I'm trying to help her as her weight and general fitness level bothers her and I'd never say anything to hurt her and when I was overweight like I was years ago someone was blunt with me about it which helped a lot because regardless of how being overweight looks, it's just not good for long term health.

Regarding comments that I'm scared of not finding anyone if I break up with her, I appreciate it seems that way but that's honestly not how I feel at all, maybe I should but I don't. I'm not very worried about being single for the rest of my life as I said in a previous post, what I lack in relationship experience I make up for in other areas of my life that I didn't fall behind on so I'm not too worried about getting another girlfriend if we break up. What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time. She would be totally devastated and I think would ruin her perception of men for the rest of her life. As I've stated before, her parents divorced which left a big impact on her and I feel like me doing this would almost be unrecoverable for her. I understand it's not my fault regarding her feeling that way and it's something she has to come to terms with but I don't want her to feel that way because I care about her, I wouldn't want to see her mentally destroyed by us breaking up.

zoobizoo

Fmreidman wrote: »

me playing chess in my head whenever I'm talking to her, looking a few moves ahead of where this conversation could go.

I can see the signs that she's slowly reverting back to getting annoyed over things I say and do and I'm starting having to play chess in my head again.

What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time.


She would be totally devastated and I think would ruin her perception of men for the rest of her life.

I feel like me doing this would almost be unrecoverable for her.

I wouldn't want to see her mentally destroyed by us breaking up.

With regards to you having to watch everything you say - it's not only unsustainable long-term.... it means that


As for you ruining her life / destroying her yaddiyada... you're not and it won't - you're only a guy she's going out with and she will get over you. You'll go out with someone new... she'll go out with someone new... that's how it works.

People who've been married years get over divorces - you've only been going out for 6 months!

Idle Passerby

The two of you are simply not compatible OP. She sounds far less awful in your most recent post by the way . I think the two of you argue so much because you have fundamentally different communication styles. I wouldn't be surprised if she is also walking on eggshells around you.

I'm not sure why she wants to be with someone who irritates her so much but whatever her reasons she prefers to thrash problems out whereas you want to avoid any conflict. She obviously has her own insecurities when she thinks this is an acceptable dynamic. But both of you are on edge with each other. It's dysfunctional.

And sorry, but it sounds incredibly rich that you think breaking up with her will cause irreparable damage. Your only together a few months. You'll likely both be over it by July.

Sonic the Shaghog

Well you keep saying that people are taking up wrong and she's actually this that and the other so let's play the devil's advocate then.

What are the comments you make to her that she gets upset over, could you give us a few word for word examples?

Fmreidman

Fmreidman wrote: »

What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time. She would be totally devastated and I think would ruin her perception of men for the rest of her life. As I've stated before, her parents divorced which left a big impact on her and I feel like me doing this would almost be unrecoverable for her. I understand it's not my fault regarding her feeling that way and it's something she has to come to terms with but I don't want her to feel that way because I care about her, I wouldn't want to see her mentally destroyed by us breaking up.

Ah Jaysis!
She'll get over it/you. My parents divorced when I was a kid, lots of people's parents divorce.
Seriously, maybe she will be relived? You might both realise that you are not well suited.

bottlebrush

It's all well and good giving to the homeless and being there for people in need, but she's not planning a future with any of them.
She's planning a future with you even though she's annoyed so much by you and is trying to change you so she doesn't have to try and meet somebody else. You say things have been alright for a while but you see her reverting back to her old ways again. And round and round it will go.
I see you've only been 'official' since January. She'll get over it.