Doubts about GF

bitofabind

First “there’s a problem because she’s X,Y and Z”, then “no she’s grand actually, here’s a watered-down version of all the same problems I described in my first post and still are problems of us not being suited and me having to change myself to be in her company”.

A common theme around here. People don’t like to be confronted with reality, even if it’s coming from their own words. Your girlfriend isn’t an evil, unredeemably terrible person. No-one is saying that. People are reading your words and applying common sense. 6 months in and you can’t be yourself. She doesn’t contribute a cent. She’s got no notion of the value of money or hard work. These things are important values to you. You’re losing physical attraction. She can be a generally lovely person who’s brought some joy into your life and these things can still be true. And they’ll be true in six months’ time.

Your gf is not a China doll. Please give her more respect than that. You said yourself she’s had more relationship experience than you. She’ll have a meltdown, try to guilt you into staying and be over this in a few months at the most. And onto the next lad. Such is life.

Wake up OP. This situation requires you to have an uncomfortable conversation in order to do the right thing.

YellowLead

Wow OP:

‘What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time. She would be totally devastated and I think would ruin her perception of men for the rest of her life, etc.’

That is not a reason to stay with somebody!!! What about YOU??? You are not responsible for her.

Whatever about the things you said to make her look a little better in your updated posts - the fact remains you have to walk on eggshells around her. And that’s awful! That’s not a relationship - that is you, quite frankly, being p***y whipped beciase you are afraid of her reaction if you break up.

And seriously - your words about her not taking jobs seriously because they are not her passion - I would say the majority of us are not employed doing something which matches our passion. But we don’t stay in bed rather than working because of it, we man up and earn our keep. And we don’t expect somebody else to buy us a ‘palace’.

If you do want to stay with somebody incompatible who describes themselves as high maintenance (yikes) then we can’t convince you otherwise - but just know you don’t HAVE to just because she says so.

HildaOgdenx

bitofabind wrote: »

First “there’s a problem because she’s X,Y and Z”, then “no she’s grand actually, here’s a watered-down version of all the same problems I described in my first post and still are problems of us not being suited and me having to change myself to be in her company”.

A common theme around here. People don’t like to be confronted with reality, even if it’s coming from their own words. Your girlfriend isn’t an evil, unredeemably terrible person. No-one is saying that. People are reading your words and applying common sense. 6 months in and you can’t be yourself. She doesn’t contribute a cent. She’s got no notion of the value of money or hard work. These things are important values to you. You’re losing physical attraction. She can be a generally lovely person who’s brought some joy into your life and these things can still be true. And they’ll be true in six months’ time.

+1 to everything bitofabind said. And just to add, six months during a lockdown and curtailed social life, so very very little time to get to know one another, much less be thinking of buying a house together.

OP, it's of course up to you as it is with anyone who asks for advice here to take or leave it. And that's as it should be. It can be helpful to get things written down, and get perspective from outsiders.

Your most recent post says a lot. Have a look at how you deal with conflict, for starters. Nobody, or at least nobody I know actively seeks it out. But going silent and having someone else promising to change, in response to deliberate silence isn't great either.

This relationship sounds like an awful lot of hard work. But you want to make it work somehow, and that's totally your prerogative.

If nothing else, I suggest slowing everything right down, in relation to future plans.

qwerty13

OP, you’re only together a short time. Less so if you consider lockdown.

You are making so many excuses for her that it’s unreal. You would not have started this thread if you didn’t deep down know that this relationship had issues. The last few posts cannot be thanked enough for their clarity.

Your own post yet again brings up another ‘reason’ (excuse) why she doesn’t take responsibility for herself. Great that she has a ‘passion’. So who is effectively funding that now, her parents (a question that you haven’t answered about where/how she lives)? And who do you think is going to fund that long term??

I’m sorry to be harsh, but she is behaving like a completely spoilt child: overreacting to stupid things, only works when she wants to, pays for nothing, sulks if she doesn’t like something that you say, and expects that she can have a ‘palace’ that will *somehow* magically be paid for. I’m going to be tough love here and tell you that I believe you’re only accepting her awful behaviour because you are inexperienced in relationships.

Of course she has a few good qualities, I mean you wouldn’t presumably be with her if she didn’t. But she has fundamentally opposite views to you about how she lives her life, and she behaves like an entitled child, and if you stay with her you will be funding her and dealing with her strops for the rest of your life.

PS: and her inability to take responsibility for her emotions is NOT a reason to stay with her. You need to value yourself, and what makes you happy OP. All I can see here is that you are sacrificing everything you believe in, for a relationship that you know isn’t working, to avoid upsetting her. If that sounds horribly harsh, it’s coming from a person who hates conflict too. But I don’t think I r ever taken that so far as you have OP.

IMO you should spilt as soon as possible, and strongly consider counselling about why you are putting her demands above your own needs - and why you’re prepared to put up with her ridiculously selfish and immature behaviour

riclad

Divorce is common, you can't stay with someone just cos she, ll be sad if you breakup, the longer you are with her the more difficult it gets.
My friend is neurotic not good with money abit overweight I like her but I could not be her boyfriend
She is a good friend though
She is not compatible with you she's not a hard worker
She's not good with finance she wants you to pay for everything
You can't be yourself you have to be careful not to upset her
I think you want a kind positive woman who is smart and has some kind of financial prospects or independence
and is not so negative
You want an equal partner
She's not exercising and she has not got a healthy diet
You can't just stay with someone just out of pity
I think you are just concerned about how do I break up
with her without causing her to fall apart
or causing emotional damage

Dog day

notAMember wrote: »

I didn't invent this, it's the bare-bones of training that people get on handling difficult conversations and how to do it well. With sensitivity and preparation, it can be a positive experience for both parties. People I had to fire came out of chats like this thanking me for the honestly and for being straightforward. From this conversation, she should end up with "we broke up because we were incompatible", not "I've been dumped"

notAMember I once again see your point but you’re making a lot of assumptions about how the OPs girlfriend will react & again using analogies that aren’t comparing like with like. I also have experience in conflict resolution, delivering tough feedback to people I’ve managed etc, I’m sure many posters here do, it’s just not the same type of interaction at all.

Indeed given what the OP has told us it’s much more likely his GF wouldn’t react well to being given any real detail on the reasons why they need to break up, you’re making assumptions about her emotional maturity when it’s clear from the OPs post that she has a lot of growing up to do! This isn’t the OPs responsibility.

As I & other posters have said, a swift, to the point ‘we’re incompatible & I don’t see a future here’ is genuinely the best approach to take.

Fandymo

>Mod Snip<

If a woman describes herself as “high maintenance”, get out and get out quick. High maintenance means you pay, and pay and pay and she takes and takes and takes. And she probably sees nothing wrong with this. It’s a toxic trait.

notAMember

What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time. She would be totally devastated

So, the alternative is no break-ups. Ever.


Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming marriage!

Fmreidman

Fmreidman wrote: »

What does concern me is how she'll react if I do break up with her and that's what's stopping me big time. She would be totally devastated and I think would ruin her perception of men for the rest of her life. As I've stated before, her parents divorced which left a big impact on her and I feel like me doing this would almost be unrecoverable for her. I understand it's not my fault regarding her feeling that way and it's something she has to come to terms with but I don't want her to feel that way because I care about her, I wouldn't want to see her mentally destroyed by us breaking up.

Ah here, there's a lot of guys out there who view themselves as White Knights out to save the poor, fragile Fair Maiden but this must be the worst of it I've seen in a while. She's an adult woman who survived before she met you and will survive after. You are doing neither of ye a favour by engaging in this line of thought. To coin another cliche, it sounds like you have her on the "I'm the only man who can save her" pedestal, to justify your own inaction.

She will be fine. Hell, maybe she'll even thrive.

spaceHopper

Fmreidman wrote: »

Hi All,

Apologies for the silence, I've been pretty busy in work.

......

That was a long read, I think you are way over thinking it, either she makes you happy or she doesn't. Either you are walking on eggshells around her or not.

She's a grown woman she's been in a break up before if it happens she'll be OK. If it's not working for you staying with her is holding both of you back and it's not fair on either of you.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

This will probably be my final post so I'll try to keep it short.

Regarding my comments on how she'd react if we broke up, I think people read that a bit incorrectly and over reacted. She previously said to me how devastated she would be if we broke up and was genuinely concerned about those two times I previously mentioned where she got more upset at me than usual. I've stated before she wants a long term future with me and has it set in her mind that this is certain. I'm in no way shape or form trying to say I'm special or anything like that or I want to be her 'saviour' because I have no notions of that sort, i'm just a normal guy, if we do break up I want her to get over me, I don't want her to be devastated and I hope if it goes down that path she'll get over me fairly quick.

Anyways, thanks all for the comments where constructive advice was given, I'm going to have a talk with her over the weekend and have a serious discussion about our relationship which i imagine won't survive the conversation.

bitofabind

She will be devastated. And will maybe throw a strop and start bargaining with you and trying to persuade you otherwise. And then she'll move on and more than likely find someone new in no time, rinse and repeat. Stop taking responsibility for how she reacts or doesn't react. And start taking responsibility for your own side of the fence. It's not working no matter how you try to sugar coat it. Your duty of care right now is to protect yourself and your own future.

chattering

OP, Great to know you are taking action. If you were lucky enough to strike gold with your first relationship, I would be telling you to buy a lottery ticket. Best of luck!!

YellowLead

Good luck OP,

I am glad to hear you are going to have a conversation about the state of your relationship with her, and please do outline the areas where incompatibilities lie.

It is quite alarming to hear you describe how emphatic she is about your future together, you’ve known each other less than a year and only officially together less than 6 months. To be fair I don’t blame her as there probably aren’t many who would put up with her that are up to her standards.

I hope you will remember the key points of your incompatibility and remain firm in your decision despite the inevitable tears and begging, and your inevitable feeling sorry for her.

I am sure you will both move on in no time.

ILoveYourVibes

Fmreidman wrote: »

Hi All,

Apologies for the silence, I've been pretty busy in work.

Thank you again to all for your comments. Just want to clear up a few things.

I think I was a bit unfair in how I'm describing her and some posters are writing things that may not be totally accurate as a consequence. I wouldn't describe her as grumpy, majority of the time she's in a good mood, happy and hopeful for the future and she is in no way judgmental if anything she's the complete opposite, she has friends from all walks of life and doesn't think she's above anyone, she gives money to homeless people and is always there to help out those in need.

.

I hear this OVER and OVER and OVER here in PI.


Its this WEIRD paradigm with a lot of responses too. Its like we KNOW someone is saying they are not happy in a relationship and we have to try and logically reason why they should leave by LISTING all the bad traits of the person....or the good traits. Its a flawed approach.

It doesn't matter whether the person you date is a saint or a devil ...or (which is most likely in between) ....

A person can be a really good GF ...or BF but it can still be a toxic relationship....because its not right FOR YOU.

You can say its not her its me etc ..but really its both of you.


When people STOP trying to justify their need to break up with someone we will all be a lot more mature.

I am sure your GF is multifaceted ...has many sides good bad and in between. And do you know what that means??

It really means you are holding her from being with the person she is MEANT for. Because it really sounds like that person is not you.

Its not about finding miss perfect ..its about finding miss perfect FOR YOU.

Its not like people have to justify reasons why they break up with someone ...nor reasons why they stay with someone.

That is flawed reasoning.

And to me that more than anything shows lack of experience not ONLY in relationships ....but in knowing YOURSELF to. Because it shows someone isn't aware of their own needs and giving space for them.

Stop thinking about whether she is a good person or not ...or even if she is a good gf. Start thinking are you happy in this relationship and what your worries are for the future...what your FEELINGS and needs are...

How will you two be in ten years together?

That is emotional intelligence and experience in relationships.

Also OP do you have these kinds of talks with each other?

Dog day

bitofabind wrote: »

She will be devastated. And will maybe throw a strop and start bargaining with you and trying to persuade you otherwise. And then she'll move on and more than likely find someone new in no time, rinse and repeat. Stop taking responsibility for how she reacts or doesn't react. And start taking responsibility for your own side of the fence. It's not working no matter how you try to sugar coat it. Your duty of care right now is to protect yourself and your own future.

Best of luck when talking to your GF this weekend OP, but before you do please re-read the above from bitofabind. It’s spot on.

notAMember

bitofabind wrote: »

She will be devastated. And will maybe throw a strop and start bargaining with you and trying to persuade you otherwise. And then she'll move on and more than likely find someone new in no time, rinse and repeat.

My goodness what a low opinion you have of the two of them. OP is well able to handle this.


If OP has this conversation respectfully and honestly this will be an adult conversation with no drama.

Good luck OP , this is healthy and the right thing to do.

TheadoreT

Make sure if you do end it that you dont end up going back to her for sex when you're feeling insecure again in the single world. It's all too common a pitfall for people like yourself who you admitted yourself dont deal with rejection well.

You said you were never batting them off before so prepare yourself for similar again, you haven't turned into casanova after 1 relationship.

Dog day

notAMember wrote: »

My goodness what a low opinion you have of the two of them. OP is well able to handle this.


If OP has this conversation respectfully and honestly this will be an adult conversation with no drama.

Good luck OP , this is healthy and the right thing to do.

It’s amazing how different people take such conflicting messages from the same post. bitofabind is being helpful & forming educated opinions based on what the OP has told us & in turn is providing sound advice. Indeed your earlier assumption that the GF may react maturely is ignoring all of the detail he’s given us which would strongly indicate the opposite will be true! Though not a gambler I’d lay down a chunk of change that his GF won’t react well, it’s the logical conclusion from all he’s told us.

To my knowledge not one person here has steered the OP towards being unkind or disrespectful but the fact is break ups are hard for both the person who has made the decision & the one on the receiving end. They’re only ‘official’ since January & surely length of time/practical investments in one another’s future dictates the detail which is needed here, from what the OP has told us his GF is bringing very little to the table in terms of lifestyle, common goals etc. They’re clearly wildly incompatible & given it’s still the honeymoon phase things will surely get worse not better.

It’s positive however that practically every poster including yourself notAMember are in agreement that he needs to end this relationship. In the OPs case the message really can be direct & kind at the same time but TBH I’m not fully confident that he’ll make the right decision & actually break up with her, he’s far too worried about her reaction instead of concentrating on his own future happiness.

Tork

I hope OP makes the right decision too (i.e. breaking up with his girlfriend) but I don't think he's anywhere nearly ready to do this. I have friends who stayed for far too long in relationships/friends with benefits arrangements with the wrong person. He sounds exactly like them, from the revising and "Em, she's not as bad as I first said she was" to the "She'll be devastated if I end it". OP, even if you don't end this relationship right now, you can still do it in the future. It doesn't get any easier though so there will always be an element of ripping off the plaster required. Also, if you continue to have sex with her wear a condom. I don't want to tar all women with the same brush but there are some ladies who have been known to trap their fellas with an unplanned pregnancy.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Dog Day, please bear in mind when replying to threads in PI/RI, that posters are asked to offer advice to the OP when replying to their threads. It is then up to the OP to decide what advice is most relevant to them.

The Charter can be found here and you should take time to read it to ensure your posts don't fall short of it.

Thanks

HS

Dog day

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Dog Day, please bear in mind when replying to threads in PI/RI, that posters are asked to offer advice to the OP when replying to their threads. It is then up to the OP to decide what advice is most relevant to them.

The Charter can be found here and you should take time to read it to ensure your posts don't fall short of it.

Thanks

HS

Understood Hannibal. Apologies.

ILoveYourVibes

TheadoreT wrote: »

You said you were never batting them off before so prepare yourself for similar again, you haven't turned into casanova after 1 relationship.

That is very negative ...i wouldn't want the op to have this kind of internal dialogue.

OP you can be anyone you want to be.

Screwthebeast

Hi Op


You're in a relationship with a Toxic woman.

A relationship should make you happy not have you
"Walking on eggshells"

You need to end this relationship and be prepared for her inevitable unbalanced response laying all the blame at your feet and not accepting the fact she is overweight, rude and effectively stealing from you by expecting you to pay for everything without contributing anything.