Odd neighbour

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 3:51pm #1

I'm a young single female. I bought a house a few years ago. The houses are very close together. It is a rural town, very close knit. I am new to the town. I am a quiet, reserved and private person. I keep the head down, go to work each day, don't hassle or bother anyone, say hello when I meet someone outside and keep it at that.

I've spoken to all of my neighbours since I moved in and when I see them out, I say hello and keep it at that, they do the same.

One of my neighbours is an older man and I find him a bit odd to say the least. He doesn't work, I get the impression he never really worked during his life, he doesn't seem do anything all day. He seems to have a lot of time on his hands.

When I would come home from a busy day at work (my job is fairly full on and quite stressful at times), as soon as I would pull my car up and just open the door to get out to go inside my house, he would appear outside. The same when I'd come back from grocery shopping etc. I would say hello, but try to keep it brief and polite, try not appear to be too interested in interacting with him.

He often loiters around the back and front of the house and stares in.

He comes out with some very strange statements to me, when I was moving in to the house, he asked me what part of the house I slept in (back bedroom or front bedroom)? When the pandemic hit, he asked me 'was I scared?' and burst out laughing, another time he said to me 'you're good looking'.

I don't interact for any length with him, I keep my interactions polite, but deliberately as cold as I can, hoping he would get the hint.

I have a bad gut feeling about him and my gut is rarely wrong. Recently, I went outside to put out my bins and he appeared within seconds (which means he must have been watching/waiting) and said he would put out my bins, I told him not to do that and went back inside.

I find his offers of putting out my bins strange, as I can clearly fend for myself, I have been able to buy my own house, buy a decent car, get my house renovated , manage my household etc. So I am far from a weak or helpless female and he should know this.

As a result, when I'm at home, I stay inside as much as possible, I can't go out in the garden, because I don't know when he will appear.

The strange thing is, he appears to be really popular with the whole town and the other neighbours. Everyone does his chores for him and does favours for him. I have tried not to react negatively to his behaviour because I am new, I want to keep the peace and don't want get a name the as 'awkward neighbour looking for an argument' etc. The fact that is so popular makes this harder. When I'm at home during the day and if the windows are open, I have often overheard how he speaks to other people passing by outside on the road and it is a normal conversation that he has with them, the weather , covid etc. Not the weird statements he has said to me. In fact, I wouldn't mind if he did have a normal conversation with me, that would be fine, not the odd statements he has come out with to me.

The loneliness argument can't be used, because he has other friends from the town who call to him. There are other male neighbours his age he could approach if he feels the need for friendship, but I have never seen him hound them and land in on them as soon as they pull their cars up outside after coming back from work, shopping etc.

This house is the only house I could afford, long term I plan to move to the countryside where I can have privacy.

Due to the pandemic, I have been working from home recently and the situation is really beginning to annoy me. I just find his behaviour towards me unsettling. Maybe he gets a kick out of annoying me?

Xterminator · 03-03-2021 5:39pm

i think you can nip his behaviour in the bud by being more assertive. Don't drop hints, express yourself.

"you are making me uncomfortable and i dont want to talk to you again. Please leave me alone."
"Why are you outside my property again, it makes me uncomfortable."

no threats, no anger, dont be rude, & make a no allegations/ assumptions. Just be very clear. Leave me alone.

He may be a sad lonely old man, and you may have hom all wrong. But you don't have to be uncomfortable, and deprived of your garden etc.
But no more hints.

Caranica · 03-03-2021 6:17pm

I would consider getting a ring doorbell camera or other CCTV system. It is amazing how it helps to feel safe and will discourage your neighbour from loitering.

beerguts · 03-03-2021 6:26pm

It would be best if you tell your neighbour that you are not interested in a friendship, romantic or otherwise. This situation has the feeling it could become more annoying or intrusive if he is left in no doubt he is barking up the wrong tree. Would you consider purchasing a dog if you don't mind caring for an animal? This might put the guy off if he starts to become more forward

StevenToast · 03-03-2021 6:32pm

I wish all my neighbours were like you OP...

I keep getting pulled up for conversations...

It is very hard not to appear rude by keeping the head down and not engaging......

i have no interest in "Stop and chats"*

*credit to Larry David

LegacyUser · 04-03-2021 12:00pm

Hi OP
I will attempt to present a different point of view.
A couple of years ago after I moved in to the area with a small child of my own, one of the neighbours ( female) must have had a bad gut feeling about me. I am female too btw. When her kids were playing in my place with my kid, one of her kids told me that their mammy told them I (me) wasn’t to touch their panties or their private parts.
I don’t know why she felt the needs to tell her kids that but I had no intention to touch their private parts. Wtf like. Having thought about it, I remembered telling the mother her kids were cute. That’s as far as it went. But nowadays people absolutely assume the worst about everyone.
Moral of the story, avoid the neighbour all you wish but assuming he is a weirdo and telling people you have a bad gut feeling about someone just because he happened to say something you thought was strange, is a reflection on you rather than him.

skallywag · 04-03-2021 3:27pm

I knew a chap like the one you describe, he was a bit touched as we would say round my way and was pretty harmless.

The staring in the windows would freak me out though.

Jequ0n · 04-03-2021 3:45pm

I got to be honest, this type of behaviour would have made me aggressive fairly quickly.
Staring into your house? Totally unacceptable. Block his view to take away any excitement he might be getting from it.

In your case id also get a cctv system.
Maybe the bin offer was just meant nicely, but keep in mind how much personal information can be gained if someone was willing to go through your rubbish.
Make sure the camera only captures your property boundaries though.

And I think it’s time to drop the friendly tone and make it unmistakably clear that you do not want any engagement at all.

cloudatlas · 04-03-2021 4:31pm

Can you fence off your property a bit better and/or get a dog?

It seems that some posters here are ignoring the fact that he asked you where your bedroom was and said 'you're good looking'. That isn't trivial and would set most women's alarms bells off.

hawley · 04-03-2021 8:42pm

Have you considered going to the gardai about him? Are you in a position to move house? There's no point in living in a place where you don't feel comfortable.

Taeholic · 04-03-2021 8:57pm

I say trust your gut, this man clearly makes you uncomfortable and I can't say I blame you either. As someone else suggested I'd get the camera doorbell as well as fencing or a wall in the garden with a side gate and lock on it.

I get that you don't want to confront him so I would do the above. I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone being able to walk or see into my garden without the strange neighbour. Also blinds or voile on the front windows so he can't see straight in.

I know it doesn't solve the problem of him appearing every time you get out of the car or leave the house. I think you'll have to ignore him when he does or minimal conversation. Would you consider calling into the local Garda station for advice on your situation?

Jequ0n · 04-03-2021 8:57pm

hawley wrote: »

Have you considered going to the gardai about him? Are you in a position to move house? There's no point in living in a place where you don't feel comfortable.

He has done nothing that would warrant police involvement and it would make the OP a target within the community.

She’d need evidence of trespassing (hence the cctv recommendation). Even if evidence is obtained it can be used as a pressure point on him without having to involve the Gardai.

That’s really the last route I’d consider, especially in a rural setting.

LilacNails · 04-03-2021 9:48pm

The fact that u say he's acting odd, and making u feel uncomfortable... I can see him possibly deliberately try and rise u op, if u do tell him to "stop talking to me, it's making me uncomfortable ". He might start to make conversations with u just to get a reaction or for the sake of an argument. Some people love to provoke.

As others are suggesting, if u can block off any view his has into your place, block off well enough that u know for sure he can't see a peep.

I would just say hello, with a bare glance... And continue what u are doing, any further conversation I would give one word answers, as if I'm in a mood. Hopefully he might get the hint.

I do feel sorry for u ops there's a bunch of guys few houses down from me and I've often caught them watching me wash my car or bring in messages. Another time I spotted one of them peeping from behind the curtain. It makes me mad but I reckon they have gone back to work as I haven't seen them in a while.

Creeps.

TheadoreT · 04-03-2021 10:56pm

Is there anyone around the area you'd have a good feeling about that you could have a quiet word about him? I know you said he seems popular but if there's anything overly sinister or odd or anything about him you'd think some of the other neighbours would have picked up some vibes over the years.
Maybe chose the person your gut trusts and even if they don't have any major opinion on him its good to have someone else that may then pick up on his odd behaviours around you.

Bythefire · 04-03-2021 11:04pm

When you get home, either be on a call or have your headphones on. Ignore him.

Get a gate and side gate put in, you can still get people to do those things.

Trust your gut, go cold when speaking to him. Less interaction and he will get the message.

Curious_Case · 05-03-2021 12:34am

I think you have become the "girl next door" as opposed to someone at a bar (I know) who can rebuff him and walk away.
Maybe have a few male family members or friends coming and going, even leaving their cars outside if you think it's justified?

Rubberchikken · 05-03-2021 3:20am

It could be that you're a single female that has drawn this man's attention, which btw isn't one bit fair imo.

Hemay be on good terms with others because they don't live right next door. It's easier to get on with someone like this if you live at the other end of the street or further.

If you want to keep to yourself you're entitled to do that.

HildaOgdenx · 05-03-2021 1:35pm

That behaviour would certainly bother me, and make me uneasy, which is totally unfair, to feel like that in your own home.

I agree with suggestions to have cctv/ ring doorbell installed asap. I also agree with pretending to be on your phone/ in a rush anytime he is hanging around when you get home.

Anything else that you can do to limit him being able to get near the front or back of your house such as gates / shrubs or whatever, I would do that also.

Hope he soon starts to leave you in peace.

TheBoyConor · 05-03-2021 1:41pm

It is bordering on harrassment. Certainly anything with him peering through or over into your back yard. I'd be askign the gardai could they come about and have a little chat with him to wind his neck in.

Sparkey84 · 05-03-2021 1:43pm

Caranica wrote: »

I would consider getting a ring doorbell camera or other CCTV system. It is amazing how it helps to feel safe and will discourage your neighbour from loitering.

could not agree more. cameras are very helpful and are very discriminating. they only annoy the people who have something to hide. (also agree with later post of making sure they recording within your boundary.

Hermy · 05-03-2021 5:13pm

Strange neighbour wrote: »

The strange thing is, he appears to be really popular with the whole town and the other neighbours.

It's actually not strange at all.

It can often be the case that nasty people are really popular in the community.

But most won't see the nastiness because they aren't being targeted.

up for anything · 05-03-2021 9:10pm

Next time you meet him don't brush him off completely but instead tell him sorry you can't stop but you're on your way to renew your gun licence as you had completely forgotten about it until your brother in the guards reminded you, which might make him think twice about paying you an unwanted visit. It's so unfair that just because you're a woman on your own he can make you feel vulnerable and uneasy and I'd say he has a right good idea that he is doing that. Some men get a kick out of making women feel nervous. Makes them feel more than they are.

jmlad2020 · 05-03-2021 9:36pm

Is there a mutual neighbor you can subtly hint his creepiness to. The idea would be that they express this back to the Old man in a calm manner in casual conversation?

"X was complaining you creep her out a bit. What are you like"

Install an obvious Camera on the front of the house, the Ring doorbell is a good suggestion but doesn't come across strong enough to a man that doesn't understand what it is.

Pretend to be on your phone or have earphones on when you get out of the car to give him a hint.

Cash_Q · 05-03-2021 11:04pm

We recently moved house and a neighbour like this was a contributing factor in our decision to sell. We had much worse on the other side with parties/screaming/drug addicts, but the elderly nosy neighbour caused us as much/more stress even though she was quiet.

Every time we came or went she would appear outside at the front door, hanging out the upstairs window, or polishing the inside of her sitting room window which was right beside our front door. She would eavesdrop on us if we were talking to anyone at the front door. As soon as we would go in the back garden she would appear through a gap in the fence. We replaced the entire fencing at great expense and she would hang out the back bedroom windows. She once said 'I loved listening to you and your dad talking out the back" ! She once called me rude for attending to my crying toddler instead of complimenting her paintwork. She insisted on bringing our bins in while we were at work even though I repeatedly asked her not to. She would tell me she noticed a bird crapped on the window and joked how she would nearly clean it herself...which made me leave it there! She also said weird stuff about her underwear, sex drive, called the girl who lived there before us a slapper.. this woman was in her 70s. When I'd pull up on my driveway at night I could see her lying on the floor of her sitting room looking out through the bottom of the blinds. This elderly woman has scoliosis and lies on her floor to spy! When the estate agents photographed our house to sell, she was pretending to clean her upstairs windows and is actually visible in the photos from the ad on Daft. This is only a smidgen of the stuff she did.

OP I tried being nice, pitied her, bent over backwards to indulge her but she just got worse and worse. Tried to ignore her. Tried to pretend to be on the phone as I came and went. Outright told her to mind her own business and still she hung around like a bad smell.

What did we do? Sold our house and moved on.

TheBoyConor · 06-03-2021 10:43am

Never mind all these bits of advice about made up stories about gun licence applications, how busy you are, pretending to get on the phone. Why should you have to do that?

You need to grab the bull by the horns and tell the man to leave you alone that you are not interested in him. Maybe you can get your father or a large make friend to tell him on your behalf.
If there is so much as a peep out of him then after, you are well within your rights to discuss it with the Gardai as harassment and ask them to have a word with him to tell him to cop himself on and not be be acting the creep with a young woman.
Cheek of him to be getting his kicks out of a woman a fraction of his age.

Jackben75 · 06-03-2021 10:56am

Whilst i see your concern, you should engage a bit more with some other neighbours and then casually mention that guy and try and find out more about him, aka suss him out. Then depending on what you learn, maybe light heartedly mention his attitude/approaches towards you. Indeed get some cctv/ring doorbells, get the doorbell for the front and the same company does a wireless small camera which you could put on the back. They are very good in general.

tara73 · 06-03-2021 5:56pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Never mind all these bits of advice about made up stories about gun licence applications, how busy you are, pretending to get on the phone. Why should you have to do that?

You need to grab the bull by the horns and tell the man to leave you alone that you are not interested in him. Maybe you can get your father or a large make friend to tell him on your behalf.
If there is so much as a peep out of him then after, you are well within your rights to discuss it with the Gardai as harassment and ask them to have a word with him to tell him to cop himself on and not be be acting the creep with a young woman.
Cheek of him to be getting his kicks out of a woman a fraction of his age.

this OP. This guy is some creepy, cowardly bully (or even sociopath) of the highest order. gets a kick of targeting and harassing his new female neighbour who happens to be single. what a low life.

Before you do the things mentioned above, getting good male friends or relatives to tell him where to go, I would definetely try to inform the neighbours or better to say spread as much as you can in the community how he's behaving towards you.

because one thing is clear, if you don't do that and you take the action with your male friends, the most important thing for those bullies is to twist the facts (gaslight) to save their ass and let all the people in the community know what kind of a crazy woman you are, getting your male friends to threaten him without him doing anything wrong...you all imagining things..
very difficult situation. Maybe already consider the alternative of moving away again in the back of your mind. the hassle of a move is nothing towards the everyday hassle of this guy.
Could well happen you will end up like the crazy woman in this community, no matter what you do, because old friends most of the time stick together and you are the new, single, independent woman there.
I feel for you, these stuff makes my blood boil..

starbaby2003 · 06-03-2021 6:04pm

WeirdNeighbour wrote: »

Hi OP
I will attempt to present a different point of view.
A couple of years ago after I moved in to the area with a small child of my own, one of the neighbours ( female) must have had a bad gut feeling about me. I am female too btw. When her kids were playing in my place with my kid, one of her kids told me that their mammy told them I (me) wasn’t to touch their panties or their private parts.
I don’t know why she felt the needs to tell her kids that but I had no intention to touch their private parts. Wtf like. Having thought about it, I remembered telling the mother her kids were cute. That’s as far as it went. But nowadays people absolutely assume the worst about everyone.
Moral of the story, avoid the neighbour all you wish but assuming he is a weirdo and telling people you have a bad gut feeling about someone just because he happened to say something you thought was strange, is a reflection on you rather than him.

They may just say this to their kids anytime they go into anyone’s house ? She may have suffered abuse herself. I wouldn’t take it personally

Rubberchikken · 06-03-2021 8:26pm

I agree with the poster who suggested talking with other neighbours and seeing if others have experienced anything odd with this person.
Some people are nosy even a bit ‘odd’ to say the least and while I will stand behind the thinking that no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their home/neighbourhood, there could be a reason why this man is this way.

rolling boh · 06-03-2021 9:36pm

You will have to speak to a neighbour that you feel you can trust about this man and try and find out a bit about him .His behaviour is bang out of order big time and nobody should feel unsettled in their own home like you are .He may well be a nosey old guy and thinks a single women living on their own as fair game for him to act this way .Of course it can be a difficult balance sometimes to get on with a neighbour but keep them at a distance but no way you should have to move because of it.

tara73 · 06-03-2021 10:09pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I agree with the poster who suggested talking with other neighbours and seeing if others have experienced anything odd with this person.
Some people are nosy even a bit ‘odd’ to say the least and while I will stand behind the thinking that no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their home/neighbourhood, there could be a reason why this man is this way.

'great' post and that as a mod in this forum...

you are trying to trivialize his behaviour and excusing it. Quite unbelievable actually. If you want, you can excuse everything, like: oh, that guy is a serial killer (don't mean this guy in particular, just as an example) there is a reason for it...:rolleyes:

sure there is a reason why this low life acts like he acts but that's not the point here and what the OP is asking and definetely not helpful for her!

vikings2012 · 07-03-2021 1:23am

OP - Trust your gut.

That man has too much time on his hands and his behavior should not be tolerated by anyone.

You say he is a popular man within the community. Popular among the men or also women? Are there any younger females in your community you could have a chat with?

I would install CCTV.
I would call him out on any inappropriate comments.
I would also be conscious about making sure car/doors are locked and curtains pulled.

You shouldn’t have to feel unsafe in your own house.

This man is most likely aware of his highly regarded position in the community and thinks he can say what he likes.

It’s important to nip this in the bud. Anyone with that much free time on their hands can often develop obsessive and unhealthy thoughts.

99nsr125 · 07-03-2021 1:28am

Strange neighbour wrote: »

<quoted post snipped>

For god's sake, grow up

chicorytip · 07-03-2021 1:34am

The man could be suffering from some sort of anxiety related personality disorder which could explain his inappropriate behaviour toward you and, also, what appears to be his isolated lifestyle - in a social sense. Apart from chit chat with the other neighbours does he appear to have any close family or friends?

Tokyo · 07-03-2021 4:30am

99nsr125 wrote: »

For god's sake, grow up

Mod: This isn't even marginally close to being the minimum standard of response we expect here. Reconsider your posting style.

FileNotFound · 07-03-2021 5:25am

If its rural, be a little blunt, sarcastic etc.

Always found assertive and dismissive in a smart way works.

Jaysus 'enter name' your more attentive than me dog.

If you get a smart response.

Well at least I could train the dog to leave me be.

Amazing how a smart comment kills things, personal experience.

Jequ0n · 07-03-2021 7:59am

tara73 wrote: »

'great' post and that as a mod in this forum...

you are trying to trivialize his behaviour and excusing it. Quite unbelievable actually. If you want, you can excuse everything, like: oh, that guy is a serial killer (don't mean this guy in particular, just as an example) there is a reason for it...:rolleyes:

sure there is a reason why this low life acts like he acts but that's not the point here and what the OP is asking and definetely not helpful for her!

Because armchair psychologists making assumptions on the man’s mental health (“sociopath”) are much more helpful to the OP?

Sure, let’s assume one of the most misunderstood personality disorders asap because this will help the OP.

This man’s behaviour is unacceptable but he has not done anything that would warrant immediate panicked action.

I’d get cctv for the back and front and take it from there, but I would not involve neighbours at this stage. It’s a rural setting and in my experience people are less likely to get accepted if you are seen as having problems with one of their own

Fakediamond · 07-03-2021 9:31am

Trust your gut. I would find this behaviour creepy and alarming.

Freeze him out, don’t engage, don’t ask neighbours about him, get the cameras, keep a diary of incidents of his unwanted behaviour. Try very hard not to let him know he’s getting a reaction as this may embolden him.

See if there’s an area of garden you can use that can’t be overlooked and use fencing/screening to improve privacy.

If possible, make contact with previous owner to discreetly enquire about their interactions with him to see if there is a pattern. There may not be but it could give you some useful information.

freshpopcorn · 07-03-2021 6:26pm

I would suggest trying to talk to a neighbor or somebody just to try and find out who you are dealing with.
Also Google his name and address.

Every town in Ireland has people like you mentioned OP.

Now often they are fools who are inappropriate and sometimes they may be more serious going on.

Whatever the case tough he is making you feel uncomfortable.

These people often seem like a very popular person but they aren't. People generally go with the flow and talk to them just not to cause any hassle. People will cross the road to avoid having another stupid conversation. Now these people think the person maybe a tad , unusual, inappropriate, etc but they don't feel for their personal safety.

Even speaking as a man fella's encounter these situations to and you I suppose your options are to grin and bare it, tell him where to go, ignore him and the odd lad might lash out.

I think camera's are an okay idea however just speaking of the old fella's I know they'd approach you and tell you'll they'll keep on eye on the place also.

Rubberchikken · 07-03-2021 6:44pm

Some people don't understand boundaries.
What is the point on going in guns blazing, calling police etc if a simple bit of homework might show if this man has some issues.

I would never condone any kind of stalkerish behaviour and I completely disagree with anyone making a person feel uncomfortable or unsafe in their home but assuming the worse when nothing's been proven is a bit dramatic.

tara73 · 07-03-2021 7:31pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

Because armchair psychologists making assumptions on the man’s mental health (“sociopath”) are much more helpful to the OP?

Sure, let’s assume one of the most misunderstood personality disorders asap because this will help the OP.

This man’s behaviour is unacceptable but he has not done anything that would warrant immediate panicked action.

I’d get cctv for the back and front and take it from there, but I would not involve neighbours at this stage. It’s a rural setting and in my experience people are less likely to get accepted if you are seen as having problems with one of their own

and why do you feel the need to become insulting towards poster here with relevant advice, getting kind of really angry it seems at my reply. Are you one of this creeps and therefore need to defend and downplay this behaviour also?
the term sociopath is justified here, there are indeed some differing parts in the details of definition, but it mainly breaks down to antisocial personality disorder and that's what this guy is doing. maybe you should teach yourself properly before you come on here like that!

I already reported your personally insulting post, but seems to be ok, as I see the mod answered just again and no other mod is stepping in either. I'm pretty sure somebody will step in now...

Hannibal_Smith · 07-03-2021 8:00pm

Mod Note

Tara73 and Jequ0n leave it at that. Sniping at each other is of no help to the OP.

Tara73, all reported posts are reviewed by the mod team and acted on if appropriate.

Thanks

HS

Graces7 · 10-03-2021 8:43am

OP; you are new to the neighbourhood and it takes time to settle and for folk to get used to you.

This man clearly has "problems" and it will take him time to relax, and also he is clearly well cared for by the others there. It is hard for folk like him when changes happen. He sounds almost scared . Wary. and that is when comments that are hard come out with no intention of threat.

Have you met other neighbours yet? I think you need to and to gently raise the issue with them. And stress kindly that you are a very private and busy person.

Yes it is worrying for you; very much so, but give it all time. Have you actually introduced yourself to him and other neighbours?

Meanwhile; open your phone and talk into it as soon as he appears and excuse yourself. Yes. net curtains! Vital!

He will lose interest once he is used to a new person being there.

connected1 · 10-03-2021 1:22pm

Graces7 wrote: »

OP; you are new to the neighbourhood and it takes time to settle and for folk to get used to you.

It is hard for folk like him when changes happen.

Have you met other neighbours yet?

He will lose interest once he is used to a new person being there.

But she's not new to the neighbourhood. She bought the house a few years ago. But whether she's new or not isn't the issue. It's not her that's the problem, it's him.
His behaviour towards her is creepy. Looking in her window, hanging around outside, asking her where she sleeps and is she afraid of the Covid virus (then laughing!). And yet you make it sound as though its because she hasn't integrated with the neighbours, and he just needs time to get used to her.
OP, trust your instincts. He's creeping on you and you should call him out on it.

Emme · 10-03-2021 7:16pm

OP get a good CCTV system with cameras back and front. If you're very concerned about him looking in windows you might be able to get sensors placed at the window that will trigger the alarm system if he gets too close. Make sure you can check footage with your phone during the day. Get a decent doorbell if you haven't got one already. Likewise get a good monitored alarm system. Some companies supply monitored alarm systems and CCTV systems in one.

Be polite but cool with your neighbour. Say hello if he says hello but don't stop for conversation. Don't say hello unless he does.

Graces7 · 11-03-2021 9:37am

connected1 wrote: »

But she's not new to the neighbourhood. She bought the house a few years ago. But whether she's new or not isn't the issue. It's not her that's the problem, it's him.
His behaviour towards her is creepy. Looking in her window, hanging around outside, asking her where she sleeps and is she afraid of the Covid virus (then laughing!). And yet you make it sound as though its because she hasn't integrated with the neighbours, and he just needs time to get used to her.
OP, trust your instincts. He's creeping on you and you should call him out on it.

She says "I am new to the town"; and if she has been there a few years?

Emme · 11-03-2021 11:01am

Graces7 wrote: »

She says "I am new to the town"; and if she has been there a few years?

In rural Ireland you can be "new to the town" for 10 years or even a couple of generations.

Porklife · 11-03-2021 11:10am

She said she bought the house years ago but perhaps rented it out and only recently moved in. It's irrelevant. She had an instant bad gut reaction to this man and his subsequent actions have proven her gut was right.

He looks in her windows, appears the moment she leaves her house and makes inappropriate comments. Asking where she sleeps and telling her she's good looking is nothing short of creepy.

Op, I'd echo others advice and install cctv for your own peace of mind. I wouldn't engage with him at all. If he makes any further comments on your appearance or asks another inappropriate question i would firmly tell him you do not wish to speak with him again. I'd go to your local Garda station for an off the record chat just to voice your concerns.

Horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home. He's likely just chancing his arm but let it be known you will not be messed with.

Graces7 · 11-03-2021 11:19am

Emme wrote: »

In rural Ireland you can be "new to the town" for 10 years or even a couple of generations.

Not so these days thankftully with a more mobile population, I am here five years and have been a part of the community etc for around four.

I think some of us see that the neighbour is maybe "challenged" to use a euphemism. She says his neighbours support him with chores etc. So he is being cared for out in the community. She has not met any neighbours and I know she is a very private person. Which is fine.

He sounds jittery and nervous rather than oppressive. Maddening but yes, curtains etc . he is there to stay as she is so some rapprochement and adjustment ?

I have one neighbour who is shall we say a heavy drinker. Once he starts talking …. Over the gate here. Used to drive me mad. But I would be polite and respond .. Then one day I just let him rant. he emptied his whole mind without stopping. for about 20 minutes non stop. Literally. He went away happy and I have not seen him since. He just needed to communicate .

So I do understand the OP. And maybe one conversation is all he needs? To be acknowledged? Worth a try surely.

Over and out on this from me and good luck OP

Emme · 11-03-2021 12:20pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Not so these days thankftully with a more mobile population, I am here five years and have been a part of the community etc for around four

Good for you but not all rural areas are the same. Some are more clannish than others. Tourist areas and small places where people don't have much to do are probably more accepting of newcomers.

Whatever the case, the man who is harassing the OP is part of the community and she is new. This means it is not advisable for her to complain to neighbours about him. She gets a bad gut feeling about him and she should trust this. Being "jittery" is no excuse for harrassing people. She is a successful young woman and he probably has deluded notions that he is an eligible bachelor, a "catch" and that she would welcome his attention :rolleyes: If people like this are entertained or encouraged in any way they can take it up the wrong way and she would never be rid of him.

A top notch and visible security system is her best option for now.

leggo · 12-03-2021 7:39pm

OP your gut sounds dead on and I’d imagine most people in your shoes would feel the same as you, so you’re not being irrational or difficult at all. I’d also be willing to bet that, no matter how popular he seems, you’re the only person who feels this way.

I would also gently say that this is one of those threads where people’s anxiety is kinda fuelling a bit and making recommendations for how to handle this veer into slight overreaction.

How I’d handle this personally would be to just be direct and nip any strange behaviour in the bud immediately. If he comes out of his house the second you do and makes a beeline for you, call it out. “Excuse me where you watching me? I’d appreciate being able to go out to my bin without being accosted.” There’s a sweet spot where you can do this without being overly-confrontational and causing it to escalate by being direct, swift and calling out exactly what happened and not veering into your interpretation or worries about the behaviour. Just stick to the behaviour and send a clear message to say “stop.”

He’s not going to see himself as a creep so he’ll likely write you off as difficult or ‘no craic’ or whatever. That’s probably a line you’re comfortable living with if it gets him off your back. He’s also unlikely to be in any way a threat given he’s elderly so you can feel confident in saying this stuff and not need to worry about any follow-ups.

Odd neighbour

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