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Odd neighbour

LegacyUser

I'm a young single female. I bought a house a few years ago. The houses are very close together. It is a rural town, very close knit. I am new to the town. I am a quiet, reserved and private person. I keep the head down, go to work each day, don't hassle or bother anyone, say hello when I meet someone outside and keep it at that.

I've spoken to all of my neighbours since I moved in and when I see them out, I say hello and keep it at that, they do the same.

One of my neighbours is an older man and I find him a bit odd to say the least. He doesn't work, I get the impression he never really worked during his life, he doesn't seem do anything all day. He seems to have a lot of time on his hands.

When I would come home from a busy day at work (my job is fairly full on and quite stressful at times), as soon as I would pull my car up and just open the door to get out to go inside my house, he would appear outside. The same when I'd come back from grocery shopping etc. I would say hello, but try to keep it brief and polite, try not appear to be too interested in interacting with him.

He often loiters around the back and front of the house and stares in.

He comes out with some very strange statements to me, when I was moving in to the house, he asked me what part of the house I slept in (back bedroom or front bedroom)? When the pandemic hit, he asked me 'was I scared?' and burst out laughing, another time he said to me 'you're good looking'.

I don't interact for any length with him, I keep my interactions polite, but deliberately as cold as I can, hoping he would get the hint.

I have a bad gut feeling about him and my gut is rarely wrong. Recently, I went outside to put out my bins and he appeared within seconds (which means he must have been watching/waiting) and said he would put out my bins, I told him not to do that and went back inside.

I find his offers of putting out my bins strange, as I can clearly fend for myself, I have been able to buy my own house, buy a decent car, get my house renovated , manage my household etc. So I am far from a weak or helpless female and he should know this.

As a result, when I'm at home, I stay inside as much as possible, I can't go out in the garden, because I don't know when he will appear.

The strange thing is, he appears to be really popular with the whole town and the other neighbours. Everyone does his chores for him and does favours for him. I have tried not to react negatively to his behaviour because I am new, I want to keep the peace and don't want get a name the as 'awkward neighbour looking for an argument' etc. The fact that is so popular makes this harder. When I'm at home during the day and if the windows are open, I have often overheard how he speaks to other people passing by outside on the road and it is a normal conversation that he has with them, the weather , covid etc. Not the weird statements he has said to me. In fact, I wouldn't mind if he did have a normal conversation with me, that would be fine, not the odd statements he has come out with to me.

The loneliness argument can't be used, because he has other friends from the town who call to him. There are other male neighbours his age he could approach if he feels the need for friendship, but I have never seen him hound them and land in on them as soon as they pull their cars up outside after coming back from work, shopping etc.

This house is the only house I could afford, long term I plan to move to the countryside where I can have privacy.

Due to the pandemic, I have been working from home recently and the situation is really beginning to annoy me. I just find his behaviour towards me unsettling. Maybe he gets a kick out of annoying me?

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vikings2012

OP - Trust your gut.

That man has too much time on his hands and his behavior should not be tolerated by anyone.

You say he is a popular man within the community. Popular among the men or also women? Are there any younger females in your community you could have a chat with?

I would install CCTV.
I would call him out on any inappropriate comments.
I would also be conscious about making sure car/doors are locked and curtains pulled.

You shouldn’t have to feel unsafe in your own house.

This man is most likely aware of his highly regarded position in the community and thinks he can say what he likes.

It’s important to nip this in the bud. Anyone with that much free time on their hands can often develop obsessive and unhealthy thoughts.

99nsr125

Strange neighbour wrote: »

<quoted post snipped>

For god's sake, grow up

chicorytip

The man could be suffering from some sort of anxiety related personality disorder which could explain his inappropriate behaviour toward you and, also, what appears to be his isolated lifestyle - in a social sense. Apart from chit chat with the other neighbours does he appear to have any close family or friends?

Tokyo

99nsr125 wrote: »

For god's sake, grow up

Mod: This isn't even marginally close to being the minimum standard of response we expect here. Reconsider your posting style.

FileNotFound

If its rural, be a little blunt, sarcastic etc.

Always found assertive and dismissive in a smart way works.

Jaysus 'enter name' your more attentive than me dog.

If you get a smart response.

Well at least I could train the dog to leave me be.

Amazing how a smart comment kills things, personal experience.

Jequ0n

tara73 wrote: »

'great' post and that as a mod in this forum...

you are trying to trivialize his behaviour and excusing it. Quite unbelievable actually. If you want, you can excuse everything, like: oh, that guy is a serial killer (don't mean this guy in particular, just as an example) there is a reason for it...:rolleyes:

sure there is a reason why this low life acts like he acts but that's not the point here and what the OP is asking and definetely not helpful for her!

Because armchair psychologists making assumptions on the man’s mental health (“sociopath”) are much more helpful to the OP?

Sure, let’s assume one of the most misunderstood personality disorders asap because this will help the OP.

This man’s behaviour is unacceptable but he has not done anything that would warrant immediate panicked action.

I’d get cctv for the back and front and take it from there, but I would not involve neighbours at this stage. It’s a rural setting and in my experience people are less likely to get accepted if you are seen as having problems with one of their own

Fakediamond

Trust your gut. I would find this behaviour creepy and alarming.

Freeze him out, don’t engage, don’t ask neighbours about him, get the cameras, keep a diary of incidents of his unwanted behaviour. Try very hard not to let him know he’s getting a reaction as this may embolden him.

See if there’s an area of garden you can use that can’t be overlooked and use fencing/screening to improve privacy.

If possible, make contact with previous owner to discreetly enquire about their interactions with him to see if there is a pattern. There may not be but it could give you some useful information.

freshpopcorn

I would suggest trying to talk to a neighbor or somebody just to try and find out who you are dealing with.
Also Google his name and address.

Every town in Ireland has people like you mentioned OP.

Now often they are fools who are inappropriate and sometimes they may be more serious going on.

Whatever the case tough he is making you feel uncomfortable.

These people often seem like a very popular person but they aren't. People generally go with the flow and talk to them just not to cause any hassle. People will cross the road to avoid having another stupid conversation. Now these people think the person maybe a tad , unusual, inappropriate, etc but they don't feel for their personal safety.

Even speaking as a man fella's encounter these situations to and you I suppose your options are to grin and bare it, tell him where to go, ignore him and the odd lad might lash out.

I think camera's are an okay idea however just speaking of the old fella's I know they'd approach you and tell you'll they'll keep on eye on the place also.

Rubberchikken

Some people don't understand boundaries.
What is the point on going in guns blazing, calling police etc if a simple bit of homework might show if this man has some issues.

I would never condone any kind of stalkerish behaviour and I completely disagree with anyone making a person feel uncomfortable or unsafe in their home but assuming the worse when nothing's been proven is a bit dramatic.

tara73

Jequ0n wrote: »

Because armchair psychologists making assumptions on the man’s mental health (“sociopath”) are much more helpful to the OP?

Sure, let’s assume one of the most misunderstood personality disorders asap because this will help the OP.

This man’s behaviour is unacceptable but he has not done anything that would warrant immediate panicked action.

I’d get cctv for the back and front and take it from there, but I would not involve neighbours at this stage. It’s a rural setting and in my experience people are less likely to get accepted if you are seen as having problems with one of their own

and why do you feel the need to become insulting towards poster here with relevant advice, getting kind of really angry it seems at my reply. Are you one of this creeps and therefore need to defend and downplay this behaviour also?
the term sociopath is justified here, there are indeed some differing parts in the details of definition, but it mainly breaks down to antisocial personality disorder and that's what this guy is doing. maybe you should teach yourself properly before you come on here like that!

I already reported your personally insulting post, but seems to be ok, as I see the mod answered just again and no other mod is stepping in either. I'm pretty sure somebody will step in now...

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Tara73 and Jequ0n leave it at that. Sniping at each other is of no help to the OP.

Tara73, all reported posts are reviewed by the mod team and acted on if appropriate.

Thanks

HS

Graces7

OP; you are new to the neighbourhood and it takes time to settle and for folk to get used to you.

This man clearly has "problems" and it will take him time to relax, and also he is clearly well cared for by the others there. It is hard for folk like him when changes happen. He sounds almost scared . Wary. and that is when comments that are hard come out with no intention of threat.

Have you met other neighbours yet? I think you need to and to gently raise the issue with them. And stress kindly that you are a very private and busy person.

Yes it is worrying for you; very much so, but give it all time. Have you actually introduced yourself to him and other neighbours?

Meanwhile; open your phone and talk into it as soon as he appears and excuse yourself. Yes. net curtains! Vital!

He will lose interest once he is used to a new person being there.

connected1

Graces7 wrote: »

OP; you are new to the neighbourhood and it takes time to settle and for folk to get used to you.

It is hard for folk like him when changes happen.

Have you met other neighbours yet?

He will lose interest once he is used to a new person being there.

But she's not new to the neighbourhood. She bought the house a few years ago. But whether she's new or not isn't the issue. It's not her that's the problem, it's him.
His behaviour towards her is creepy. Looking in her window, hanging around outside, asking her where she sleeps and is she afraid of the Covid virus (then laughing!). And yet you make it sound as though its because she hasn't integrated with the neighbours, and he just needs time to get used to her.
OP, trust your instincts. He's creeping on you and you should call him out on it.

Emme

OP get a good CCTV system with cameras back and front. If you're very concerned about him looking in windows you might be able to get sensors placed at the window that will trigger the alarm system if he gets too close. Make sure you can check footage with your phone during the day. Get a decent doorbell if you haven't got one already. Likewise get a good monitored alarm system. Some companies supply monitored alarm systems and CCTV systems in one.

Be polite but cool with your neighbour. Say hello if he says hello but don't stop for conversation. Don't say hello unless he does.

Graces7

connected1 wrote: »

But she's not new to the neighbourhood. She bought the house a few years ago. But whether she's new or not isn't the issue. It's not her that's the problem, it's him.
His behaviour towards her is creepy. Looking in her window, hanging around outside, asking her where she sleeps and is she afraid of the Covid virus (then laughing!). And yet you make it sound as though its because she hasn't integrated with the neighbours, and he just needs time to get used to her.
OP, trust your instincts. He's creeping on you and you should call him out on it.

She says "I am new to the town"; and if she has been there a few years?

Emme

Graces7 wrote: »

She says "I am new to the town"; and if she has been there a few years?

In rural Ireland you can be "new to the town" for 10 years or even a couple of generations.

Porklife

She said she bought the house years ago but perhaps rented it out and only recently moved in. It's irrelevant. She had an instant bad gut reaction to this man and his subsequent actions have proven her gut was right.

He looks in her windows, appears the moment she leaves her house and makes inappropriate comments. Asking where she sleeps and telling her she's good looking is nothing short of creepy.

Op, I'd echo others advice and install cctv for your own peace of mind. I wouldn't engage with him at all. If he makes any further comments on your appearance or asks another inappropriate question i would firmly tell him you do not wish to speak with him again. I'd go to your local Garda station for an off the record chat just to voice your concerns.

Horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home. He's likely just chancing his arm but let it be known you will not be messed with.

Graces7

Emme wrote: »

In rural Ireland you can be "new to the town" for 10 years or even a couple of generations.

Not so these days thankftully with a more mobile population, I am here five years and have been a part of the community etc for around four.

I think some of us see that the neighbour is maybe "challenged" to use a euphemism. She says his neighbours support him with chores etc. So he is being cared for out in the community. She has not met any neighbours and I know she is a very private person. Which is fine.

He sounds jittery and nervous rather than oppressive. Maddening but yes, curtains etc . he is there to stay as she is so some rapprochement and adjustment ?

I have one neighbour who is shall we say a heavy drinker. Once he starts talking …. Over the gate here. Used to drive me mad. But I would be polite and respond .. Then one day I just let him rant. he emptied his whole mind without stopping. for about 20 minutes non stop. Literally. He went away happy and I have not seen him since. He just needed to communicate .

So I do understand the OP. And maybe one conversation is all he needs? To be acknowledged? Worth a try surely.

Over and out on this from me and good luck OP

Emme

Graces7 wrote: »

Not so these days thankftully with a more mobile population, I am here five years and have been a part of the community etc for around four

Good for you but not all rural areas are the same. Some are more clannish than others. Tourist areas and small places where people don't have much to do are probably more accepting of newcomers.

Whatever the case, the man who is harassing the OP is part of the community and she is new. This means it is not advisable for her to complain to neighbours about him. She gets a bad gut feeling about him and she should trust this. Being "jittery" is no excuse for harrassing people. She is a successful young woman and he probably has deluded notions that he is an eligible bachelor, a "catch" and that she would welcome his attention :rolleyes: If people like this are entertained or encouraged in any way they can take it up the wrong way and she would never be rid of him.

A top notch and visible security system is her best option for now.

leggo

OP your gut sounds dead on and I’d imagine most people in your shoes would feel the same as you, so you’re not being irrational or difficult at all. I’d also be willing to bet that, no matter how popular he seems, you’re the only person who feels this way.

I would also gently say that this is one of those threads where people’s anxiety is kinda fuelling a bit and making recommendations for how to handle this veer into slight overreaction.

How I’d handle this personally would be to just be direct and nip any strange behaviour in the bud immediately. If he comes out of his house the second you do and makes a beeline for you, call it out. “Excuse me where you watching me? I’d appreciate being able to go out to my bin without being accosted.” There’s a sweet spot where you can do this without being overly-confrontational and causing it to escalate by being direct, swift and calling out exactly what happened and not veering into your interpretation or worries about the behaviour. Just stick to the behaviour and send a clear message to say “stop.”

He’s not going to see himself as a creep so he’ll likely write you off as difficult or ‘no craic’ or whatever. That’s probably a line you’re comfortable living with if it gets him off your back. He’s also unlikely to be in any way a threat given he’s elderly so you can feel confident in saying this stuff and not need to worry about any follow-ups.

GreeBo

Wear some visible headphones when outside your house for the next few days and don't interact or respond to him, his response to you ignoring him will give you some indication if he is just awkward/rude or something more sinister.

leggo

Headphones are actually a really good way from people who try force their chit-chat on you. If I don’t want to be disturbed, I’ll always pretend to be in my own little world then act really flustered and inconvenienced if someone I don’t want to tries to force conversation on me.

“I was wearing headphones, can I help you?”
“Oh I was just seeing how you were...”
“I’m actually in the middle of listening to something, sorry.”
Then just put them back on.

It flips the dynamic because headphones are so obvious that they can’t pretend they missed them and they have to really make an effort to get your attention. It makes them feel as rude as they’re being basically. You only need to do this a few times before they get the hint because nobody likes to feel rejected so they typically stop trying.

Cash_Q

leggo wrote:

It makes them feel as rude as theyâ€™re being basically.

In my experience, nothing makes this type of person feel rude. They feel totally justified in their behaviour and think it's rude not to indulge them. The woman I wrote about actually shouted at me "no need to be so bloody rude" because I continued to comfort my screaming child rather than comment on this woman's newly painted garden walls. The next time she approached me I told her that she really upset me by calling me rude and she just kept saying "maybe you were having a bad day" !! Yeah, every day she came near me was a bad day!!

Anyway, OP seems to have disappeared.. OP have you tried any of these suggestions?

Blush_01

OP, you have a lot of people making assumptions here.

While the guy might be driving you mad, you need to address this, not listen to us hurlers on the ditch.

Your gut may be right, but right now you're the only person who is being driven mad by it.

If the person you're dealing with is someone with additional needs, he may be inappropriate but harmless. There's someone like that in every village. (We have two.)

If he's someone malicious, you need to address it and take note of what you said to him and when, so you have the information in case you need it for making a formal report to someone.

It's difficult at the moment to have chats with neighbours with level 5 restrictions because you might want a more subtle conversation than a public, distance chat would facilitate.

I hope this gets sorted for you so you're not bearing the burden of the stress. But everyone here is making assumptions based on incomplete information (you acknowledge you don't have complete information yourself) and rash actions, getting fences and gates etc. installed to impact your life further seems a lot to do without having a conversation first.

LilacNails

Would like to hear what OP thinks of the replies and what she might do....

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

LilacNails as per the Charter the OP is not obliged to post updates, or should be asked to do so.

Thanks

HS

Mad_maxx

bar peering in the window , i dont see much here to be concerned about , elderly people are a lot more informal and almost feel entitled to impose themselves in some of the ways mentioned

myself and my partner live in a rural area and are blow ins , we have to explain what we are doing in this part of the country at least once per week to locals and we are here eight years , people in rural areas who are seed , breed and generation in an area have an incredible sense of entitlement when it comes to wanting to know the full story with blow ins

the blow in of course has no entitlement to know anything about locals , it sounds like the OP is not that suited to this kind of locality

rolling boh

The neighbour is most likely harmless but asking where she sleeps is not on i know some folk might have a peep in the window but when nobody is about i would think .not that its OK but unless the poster comes back this thread will go round in circles as we do not know the full situation ourselves .

Graces7

Emme wrote: »

Good for you but not all rural areas are the same. Some are more clannish than others. Tourist areas and small places where people don't have much to do are probably more accepting of newcomers.

Whatever the case, the man who is harassing the OP is part of the community and she is new. This means it is not advisable for her to complain to neighbours about him. She gets a bad gut feeling about him and she should trust this. Being "jittery" is no excuse for harrassing people. She is a successful young woman and he probably has deluded notions that he is an eligible bachelor, a "catch" and that she would welcome his attention :rolleyes: If people like this are entertained or encouraged in any way they can take it up the wrong way and she would never be rid of him.

A top notch and visible security system is her best option for now.

Oh no I did not say or mean " complain". What she said re them looking after him? I have had to do that here a couple of times. Just get to know the situation then back away. If he has been doing this for years? One man here only stopped when I just let him vent all he wanted, putting in an odd word now and again. He just needed to be heard that once. Never seen him since

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Given the OP hasn't been back in a couple of weeks and there's plenty of advice to work with, I'll close the thread there.

If you want the thread reopened OP just let one of the Mod Team know by PM.

Thanks

HS