Odd neighbour

HildaOgdenx

Oddneighbour wrote: »

Or just cut my losses, sell the house and rent for a while. I feel life is too short to be trapped living somewhere that makes one so unhappy.

I agree with you. Life is too short. It's not ideal when you hadn't planned on selling, but in the circumstances, go for it.

Taeholic

Oddneighbour wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Just feeling so trapped in this house. I am so tempted to put the for sale sign up.
Or just cut my losses, sell the house and rent for a while. I feel life is too short to be trapped living somewhere that makes one so unhappy.

OP you sound miserable, while one part of me thinks I wouldn't let anyone bully me out of my home, the other part of me says everyone deserves to feel peace and happiness in their own home.

My advice is look into the planning permission, see if this is feasible. Then decide if you are willing to take that risk. Peace of mind is priceless in my opinion. We've all had a very challenging 14 months and as you said life is short. Do whatever you have to do to be happy. I wish you the very best of luck

JustAThought

OP - I was considering moving because of various issues that were really deep inside my head & one of the ideas I cam up with was a detached house with a big fence - preferably a moat - and low cost ie in the middle of nowhere. A friends partner who had done just that wisely told me that unless I addressed the issues ( I dislike confrontation a lot ) I could well end up having similar or even more annonying problems elsewhere - only without my lovely home I had worked so hard for, and without the conveniences, location, tracker etc.

You can have knacker neighbours anywhere - even in a settled location - someone could die or gave to go into a nursing home & their house nearby could be sold or rented to scobies - bigger families, people driving unlicensed cars, casual drug dealing, or a family of roaring kids & parents drinking or fighting - you can be unlucky ANYWHERE - and like me even if you are really careful and take all kinds of precautions and buy in a good area all owner occupied - you can still end up just being really unlucky.

You seem to have done really well for yourself - you have a good career, are well respected in what you do, can manage a high stress job, and have managed to achieve a long list of successes - property, financial independence, career etc.

I’m a great fan of lists which I think help me sort out the issues and objectives and make it easier for me to find solutions. There have been a lot of good suggestions and advice here - maybe objectively get a sheet of paper out and just list down each and every suggestion in bullet form. That’s a start. Now you have a list of resources you may be able to use. And you have the cctv underway already - fantastic.

Now go back on a different sheet Nd specifically list the things he has done that have creeped you out. Try and see the specific frequency. Sometimes when I am in a rage at someone I have to objectively look back and count how many precise times they have done X : was it all in one day, or over the first month, does something (drink or it being the weekend) teigger it, etc. List them too. Per item.

Do that for every thing he does that has upset you.

It could be that (like me) you see patterns that emerge when you look at it in a numeric historic way that enable you to source problems, or tally specific events so you can find a solution.

So eg has he ‘only’ once or twice when you forst mived in asked if you sleep in the front or back, or does he still ask all the time and ask routinely every Saturday night?

Does he atill offer all the time to taken in your bins or now that you have said no has he stopped asking you? Or how many times has he been at your bins since you told him not to tpuch them. Does he cross over the back of your house to do this into your private area and private back garden Or is he at them at the front of the house like on the road. Or is he coming into your fromt garden too? etc

It may help to focus on what really upsets you and what his continued actions are, and how much these upset you. Then you can tally against the suggestions made here ( some great one, some not so much!!!) and from
there you can make a budget and a plan. You
might need to get some help or a small (couple of hundred) euro loan maybe to put up a fence or to get a gate for the front or side garden with a chub lock put on it - but this might solve a upsetting issue for you.

In the end he might think he is being clever about dumping his stuff in the bins by pretending to be in charge of them and hoping you won’t notice, or he might think he’s being friendly, or he might be a passive aggressive bit of a prick, or he might enjoy winding you up because he’s got nothing else to do all day and has no life, or he might be one of these super-annonying ******* who want to be in everyones business and the life and soul of the neighbourhood and that also includes you. You don’t know - people are really hard to gague. Maybe he thinks he’s be chivelerous, maybe he’s a lonely old mN who has no life, no job, no money and you the closest human he can easily talk to so he zooms out every chance he can because otherwise it might be another 23 hours and 40 minutes before he can speak to a living soul again, maybe maybe

Whatever his reason, I’d suggest trying this and mapping a solution to each thing he does that drives you mad or makes you really uncomfortable. You them have a clear
pathway of what you need to fix, and can devise some strategies to make your life easier.

You can also figure a timeline and budget for solutions - like with all work and other projects.

It shouldn’t be so hard and I’m really sorry that this has happened to you.

I also find personally, when I am inside Nd aomeone is driving me insane in my head either from their actions outside or my thoughts of then and wheat they did that having a radio chatter on in the background does really help as does putting on an (interesting) podcast or audiobook - it takes the edge off the circling thoughts and situation and does distract you to somewhere else.

Ms. Newbie18

Oddneighbour wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Just feeling so trapped in this house. I am so tempted to put the for sale sign up. Trying to figure out financially how to get out of here. Rent would be almost twice my mortgage, property prices have gone up since I purchased my house. Next time, I want a house on it's own private site, something that will be very expensive to purchase, especially on my own.

I have some family land I could possibly use, perhaps a log cabin or a mobile home on this land might be an idea? I considered this in the past, enquired briefly with the county council and it would require planning permission.

Or just cut my losses, sell the house and rent for a while. I feel life is too short to be trapped living somewhere that makes one so unhappy.

Hi OP,

I am sorry you've been made feel so uncomfortable in your own home you want leave.

Firstly I would talk to an agent find out what price I could get for my house, then speak to your mortgage provider or a financial advisor. See what your options are resale and buying or self build.

Do you have a family member you could stay with while you built a new property on your land? If so would you be willing to stay with with for the amount of Time it would take?

JustAThought

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I am sorry you've been made feel so uncomfortable in your own home you want leave.

Firstly I would talk to an agent find out what price I could get for my house, then speak to your mortgage provider or a financial advisor. See what your options are resale and buying or self build.

Do you have a family member you could stay with while you built a new property on your land? If so would you be willing to stay with with for the amount of Time it would take?

Having dealt with builders and the absolute mysognistic nightmare they can be, if the OP dosn’t like being under unwanted advances or pressure or male pig headedness or financial stress because a man won’t deal with a woman or show her respect - suggesting she catapult herself into a word or planning and high stress project management and disrespectful men might not be the best solution given her current issue seems to be a beligerent neighbour she can’t manage.

Rubberchikken

I don't think every builder is a nightmare or misogynistic. A lot are decent reputable men just trying to earn a living.

Op only you can decide if living next to this neighbour is so bad that you need to move.
The problem there is that there are crappy neighbours everywhere.
Learning to deal with them is a very important skill imo.

I admit that no one should be bothered, upset, bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in their own home but some people are just too ignorant for words.

Good luck

Jequ0n

OP what measures have you actually tried? This won’t get better by itself

Ms. Newbie18

JustAThought wrote: »

Having dealt with builders and the absolute mysognistic nightmare they can be, if the OP dosn’t like being under unwanted advances or pressure or male pig headedness or financial stress because a man won’t deal with a woman or show her respect - suggesting she catapult herself into a word or planning and high stress project management and disrespectful men might not be the best solution given her current issue seems to be a beligerent neighbour she can’t manage.

Seeing as she would interviewing the building company's before selecting one, it should be easy enough to avoid misogynistic men who have little value for your opinion. Look up reviews from customers to.

You have a better chance of weeding out asshole builders than asshole neighbours. Plus you will only be dealing with builders for a few months. Neighbours your stuck with potentially for life.

JustAThought

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

Seeing as she would interviewing the building company's before selecting one, it should be easy enough to avoid misogynistic men who have little value for your opinion. Look up reviews from customers to.

You have a better chance of weeding out asshole builders than asshole neighbours. Plus you will only be dealing with builders for a few months. Neighbours your stuck with potentially for life.

Having dealt with a myriad builders and construction workers as well as working in almost entirely male dominated industry I see daily the disrespect and professional arrogance many of them have for women. Suggesting combining moving house, becoming homeless, and tendering for, adjudicating and overseeing a high stress, complex make dominated industy for someone who is already having significant daily work stress in their life and who is not able to manage (literally) a non related non financial inter-dependent belligerant old man is IMO a poor choice of suggestion - specifically because of her inability to manage this male neighbour situation. Putting her into a high risk situation, with multiple male actors, and financially motivated males, in an industry where they are financially motivated to run rings around her for their profit and comfort AND where the outcome will have significant financial risk and disruption and stress and homelessness for the OP os not IMO aligning her strengths with a compatible solution.

And no - not all unsupervised working men are opportunists, lazy, disrespectful or do as little as they can get away with and like to skim or make life easy for themselves at cost to the unsuspecting and submissive woman customer - but many are and do.

I don’t think throwing the OP to this other bag of cats as a solution to her not being able to manage or deal with beligerent men is the best suggestion for her mental health or for her financially.

Dizzyblonde

OP think very carefully before selling your house in haste, because it is always easier to trade upwards than start over and apply for a bigger mortgage. If you absolutely can't live beside this man, look into renting out your house until it's the right time for you to sell.

Mad_maxx

would you consider selling the house and buying an apartment OP ?

houses are usually worth more and you might be able to afford an apartment in a better location than your current house is ?

add to that , the chances of encountering neighbours is reduced in an apartment ?

Cash_Q

Dizzyblonde wrote:

OP think very carefully before selling your house in haste, because it is always easier to trade upwards than start over and apply for a bigger mortgage. If you absolutely can't live beside this man, look into renting out your house until it's the right time for you to sell.

When trading up you need to apply for a new mortgage, clear your existing mortgage once you sell and then drawdown the new mortgage for the new house. It wouldn't make much difference if there was a short period between houses.

Mad_maxx wrote:

would you consider selling the house and buying an apartment OP ?

Mad_maxx wrote:

add to that , the chances of encountering neighbours is reduced in an apartment ?

Buying an apartment automatically multiplies your neighbours. You'd potentially encounter them in the car park, lift/stair well, corridors, communal grounds etc. If there was even one nightmare neighbour in a block of 20, all 20 could be affected. Compared to one nightmare neighbour in a terrace, there is far less impact on all neighbouring houses, usually just those immediately adjacent to them are affected the worst.

Fakediamond

Hi OP, would you consider booking a few sessions with a counsellor to support you while you’re going through such a stressful time? I think it would be helpful to talk through your options with an independent third party before deciding on your next move. They might also have some ideas on dealing with odd characters.

I’m not in any way dismissing what you’re going through, but sometimes we need help to regain some perspective when we’re feeling so overwhelmed. Selling your lovely home and losing financially is a huge decision. Maybe through counselling you could feel more empowered to deal with what you’re facing now, or at least make your next move in the knowledge it was the only option for your well-being.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

JustAThought, I appreciate you've added caveats such as 'many' and 'not all' but I don't think it does much to dilute the pretty big swing you've taken at a men in the construction industry.

As per the Charter gender generalisations, or indeed mass generalisations of any kind are of little help to the OP, please don't do it going forward.

Thanks

HS

PalLimerick

You have every right to not want to know this Man. If he doesn't get the hint be straight out with him and tell him. He sounds like a nosey neighbour at worst.

I think you're reading too much in to it and to be brutally honest from your post you don't appear as friendly or as polite as you may think. This isn't a personal attack I'm just pointing this out.

But good luck in how you deal with it. You have a right to live your life as private as you want.

Lux23

There is a man on the street that I grew up on that is like this, people were quite fond of him but we all sort of knew he had some problems and got very lonely. One night when I was 17, I was watching TV downstairs when everyone else was in bed. It was after midnight, and he knocked at the door; I thought maybe something was wrong - he was drunk and had his dog with him, and he tried to barge his way in asking if I was having a party. I slammed the door and ran up the stairs. My mother asked me the following day who was at the door, and I explained 'it was xxx, I think he was drunk'. My Dad went round and had a chat with him, the man was mortified, but you really could not trust him with a drink on him. He is sober now, but I would never speak to him, and I have since found out that he did the same things with other women in the street. One family even moved out.

So I would trust your gut and try to find out what other people think. Maybe even tell some people that he is making you nervous, and they may look out for you?

bottlebrush

OP - has this issue only started since lockdown or had it been going on before that but you are only noticing it more now because everyone has been more or less constricted to their homes?

I had a similar issue years ago when I first moved into my house. Single female living on my own. Much older widowed retired gentleman 2 doors down started appearing whenever I was outside gardening etc. Bringing me down gardening tools that I didnt need, offering to bring my bins out if I was going away. If I was out walking he'd appear beside me in his car offering me a lift which I always politely declined. One day I had an electrician working in my house and this neighbour just opened my front door and walked in with a bag of fruit for me (he wouldn't have known the other guy was a tradesman, so might have assumed it was a male friend). The following day he put a note through my door asking if he could buy me lunch some day and Suggesting a restaurant we could go to. These last two incidences really unsettled me so I put feelers out amongst my neighbours without going into any if the details and they all said he was sound.
I concluded that as I was the only woman living on my own in the row of houses, and I was surrounded by couples and families, that none of them would ever have had a similar encounter with this neighbour.
Are you the only woman living on her own in the neighbourhood, because I suspect that if you are, then your neighbours will likely not have had the same experience as you .
My problem resolved itself as I had a very busy social life at the time, loads of people coming and going and I was coming and going all the time. I was always rushing around and didnt have the time to be engaging with him and he eventually backed off, even though my social life got considerably quieter afterwards, even before covid but he stayed away. We will still wave to one another if we meet in our cars, and that's it.

I know its not easy to be busy right now with the restrictions, but when things resume I think you need to give the impression, at least , that you're busy, if only for a while. I appreciate you may feel that it's your home and you shouldn't need to do a or b or c, but oftentimes these are exactly the things you must do in the short term .

Might be an easier solution to moving which I agree you must do if the problem persists, but there is no guarantee that you won't encounter something similar in your new place. You get another similar neighbour, and then what, you move again,?

Just wonder how this man is able to enter your back garden? I can understand if the front is open plan, like my own house, but can you put up side gates?

ShaShaBear

OP, we had this neighbour and I will say now, without reservation, to listen to your gut. We were a young married couple and I was just pregnant when we moved in next door to him and at first we put the awkward and uncomfortable things he said down to him trying to "connect" with us as a younger generation. Sly but passive comments that bordered on sexual were made in front of both of us, and then slowly moved to just me. He always appeared whenever we were outside - just arriving, just leaving, just getting coal, just letting the dog out etc. He had cameras and was able to watch (and record) our every move. After about a year we became prisoners in our own home. We caught him coming up the side of our house to toss biscuits to our dog when he was outside to encourage him to bark whenever he saw him, and then subsequently threaten to report the dog as aggressive because he always barked when he saw him :rolleyes:
He constantly offered to do jobs that would give him access to our property and garden, and when we insisted we could do it ourselves, he started into a very unusual game of trying to force us to "borrow" tools of his that turned out to be broken with the intent of telling the whole estate that my husband "broke" all of these things that he borrowed (we learned after the first time borrowing a lawnmower before we realised how bad he was).
Around the time my eldest two started begging to be let play outside in the good weather, we saw the full extent - he spent a solid 3 hours trying to paint one section of wall which gave him full view of our children in a paddling pool (fully clothed). When we caught him whispering their names and offering them sweets we realised how dangerous he was, and then later had someone I trust with my life come forward and share their personal experience with him. She was only a teenager at the time and nobody believed her because he was married and well-respected. Well, I would have absolutely no problem believing her and we took it our cue to GTFO and sharpish.

Do not be bullied into thinking you have to "manage" or "deal with" any creepy old man just because he might be "simple" or lonely or mentally ill. You are not under any obligation to put yourself at risk like that just to find out how bad he might actually get.

xzanti

ShaShaBear wrote: »

he spent a solid 3 hours trying to paint one section of wall which gave him full view of our children in a paddling pool (fully clothed). When we caught him whispering their names and offering them sweets we realised how dangerous he was, and then later had someone I trust with my life come forward and share their personal experience with him. She was only a teenager at the time and nobody believed her because he was married and well-respected. Well, I would have absolutely no problem believing her and we took it our cue to GTFO and sharpish.

Mother of God :eek:

OP my advice would be to keep a diary of every single unfavourable encounter you have with your neighbour. Dates, times, details.

So if it does come 'to a head' you have specifics saved and ready to rehash. Hopefully you won't need it and he backs off. But it's always good to have.

You say other habitants of your town are being cold towards you? Is this something that you would like to remedy?

I personally wouldn't be arsed trying to sway people who have allowed another person to influence them into not liking me. I would happily let them off as they say.

That's just me personally. I have a small group of friends and good family and I'm happy. I don't need to justify myself to anyone. If someone doesn't like me then good luck to them.

However!!! If you want to change people's perception then maybe make a point of approaching these people who you feel are cold; and strike up a conversation. Nothing about your neighbour, don't mention him at all. See if they'll bite.

The reason I say this is, sometimes we can pre-empt that someone doesn't like us because they are friends with someone we don't get on with. When in reality we simply haven't tried to make a connection. Or say hello, or whatever.

I really feel for you. Your neighbour sounds like a nightmare. I am a very private person and the thought of someone haunting me like that just freaks me out.

I hope you can find a solution.

Himnydownunder

It may sound caveman like, but what about having a male over to the house for a day, I mean a brother/dad/ uncle/ friend? The male that you trust could be in your front/ rear garden and could make it their business to talk with your neighbour. They wouldn’t have to threaten him, but could suss him out and make him feel that you have supportive males protecting you.

LegacyUser

You are probably not in a position to get a large dog, but the likes of Rottweilers and GSDs pick up on an owners fear and constantly put themselves between you and the creep to keep you safe. They would also protect the back garden and bins.

xzanti

PalLimerick wrote: »

You have every right to not want to know this Man. If he doesn't get the hint be straight out with him and tell him. He sounds like a nosey neighbour at worst.

I think you're reading too much in to it and to be brutally honest from your post you don't appear as friendly or as polite as you may think. This isn't a personal attack I'm just pointing this out.

But good luck in how you deal with it. You have a right to live your life as private as you want.

Her friendliness is really not the issue here.

The man asked her what room she sleeps in and peers in her windows, he puts rubbish in her bins and has become a blatant pest.

I don't think she's reading too much into it at all.

ILoveYourVibes

I would sell the house.

And if i couldn't I would tell this man in no uncertain terms to stay away from me and my house or there would be trouble.

Anytime he approached me I would tell him to go away.

Having a guy there for a while as someone said ...or even better have a guy to have a word with him...and i mean just a word..i might try that too.

Himnydownunder

In some ways I think you will forever regret it if you don’t sort the situation out. At the end of the day he is one man, in a world of billions of people. He is an older man and admittedly a creepy man. You are not obliged to be friendly or nice to him. Maybe you could turn the negative into a positive? How about getting classes in self-defense in the evenings? You would get to know new people, destress after work and feel more confident about your safety. You don’t have to tell him to f-off/ call the guards or anything. Why not challenge him about the things he says? For example: “You are good-looking?” Answer: “Why would you say that to me?”/ “What do you mean?” Question: “Do you sleep at the front or back of the house?” Answer: “What’s it to you?” “That’s a strange question to ask any female neighbour.” Also regarding the self-defense classes, I’m sure there would be many strong men in the class who wouldn’t mind showing up at your house for a barbecue, etc.

Neyite

We've a neighbour creep too. He actually grew up with the OH so he's deemed 'harmless'. But speaking to OH's sister the view was that he plays up on being simple, but quite frankly he's what you'd call a cute hoor at best, but she thinks he's "all there and a bit extra" and agreed with me that he's a creep around women. He's a sly, nasty bit of work and I know that only for OH being there, I'd be pestered by him.

I'm in my mid forties so you know what, I'm so done being nice. It was ingrained in me for so long to be nice and not cause a fuss with the onus on me to modify my routine or behaviour if a man harasses me or makes me feel uneasy any more and if you react, sheesh, they are only being friendly... gaslighting fcukers. I've perfected the death glare for our next door creep, I never speak to him, and I'll have no issue telling him to stay the f**k away from me if I have to. I'm sure he's probably telling people that I'm an awful unfriendly bitch, but yeah, if that keeps him away from me, I'll wear that label with pride.

Some of the others have given you some great security tips, the only other suggestion I could add, would be to get a lodger if you've room - preferably male. It's something the feminist in me hates to suggest as it feels like a regressive move to have a man come in and sort it out for you but unfortunately there's certain types of people who would only back off if a man tells them to - and your neighbour sounds like that.

The other suggestion I have would be to make friends with the women in the neighbourhood of your age group if you can. Now lockdown is lifted, invite them around for a glass of wine in the garden. They could well be a great support network for you and more than likely will know what he's like and having them as eyes & ears on your property while you are at work if they are home during the day will be a big help too. He's targeting you because he's decided because you are on your own, you are vulnerable. But if you've got friends who are living nearby, or people you stop and chat to, or invite over, it could very well discourage him and make him leave you alone. If nothing else, if you do have to have a run-in with him, people are more likely to know the context that caused it and know you aren't the kind of person he's saying you are.

rolling boh

Of course you are entitled to live quietly if you want and that is your business but it's no harm to know a couple of neighbours if possible .I agree with the poster who suggested trying to get to know some of the women they could be great support and having people around know and then might keep him from your space. Knowing a few neighbours has many advantages you can keep them at arms length if you want

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks so much to everyone for the replies and support, I really appreciate it.

The reason he has such close access to my back garden is because he is very friendly with the house next door to me, he calls over to their house several times a day and there is no pattern, it could be morning, midday, early afternoon and evening. I never know when he is going to appear, so I am never at ease in my garden.

The house next door is very close to me (barely 2 metres between my back door extension and their back door extension) and at present there is only a low fence between us. So when he walks up the path in their garden, he is right beside the path to my back door and he can see straight into my garden, is close to my back door and kitchen window. He has the people next door wrapped around his little finger. They think he is the bees knees and they know him for decades, so anything I would say would fall on deaf ears.

Last summer, I asked three different contractors to put up a fence for me however they all fell through, didn't come back and also covid lockdown restrictions has made it hard to get someone in to do the fence.

I will try again summer to get someone in to put up a decent height fence.

There is one female neighbour I have met up with, I might confide in her about what has been happening.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

OP here,

It just got a bit stranger. This morning as I was leaving for work, he was standing outside in an area that would give him full view of me getting into my car and just stared at me. All of the other neighbours were gone to work at this point, which I am sure he was well aware of. I am a bit freaked out, as it means he is monitoring my times and schedule. I was shaking driving to work, it has really spooked me.

Legally he is doing nothing wrong of course, but he would know that what he did this morning would freak me out.

Neyite

That kind of overt surveillance doesn't come out of nowhere OP. It might be worth dropping into the local Garda station for a chat with a community -liaison if they have one - no harm to ring them up to ask.

While they might not be able to do anything in this instance, if things were to change in the future where you've had a run-in with him, they've already got a previous report /knowledge of your concerns.

If he has form for this and has done this before to other women, then there may well be previous complaints to Gardai about him. Again, if that was the case they may not be able to share specifics with you, but if he's on their radar it's not any harm.

wildwillow

Neyite is correct. You need to make a report. I would consider this stalking if he is watching your routine and always appearing. Make a fuss to the Garda and try to get them to understand how freaked you are.

Bring a list of actions and times when he has interfered with your enjoyment of your own house.