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Long time friend of bf tried to cheat with him

  • 22-04-2021 5:00pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,

    I'll try keep this brief. My bf has a long time friend and is friends with her fiancee. They have been together over 20 years. Anyways something didn't sit right in my gut as she constantly would comment on pics he'd put up on FB, looking good, looking great etc. In itself that isn't an issue but she would never like any couple pics or posts we had up.

    Anyways she drunkenly messaged him at 2am seemed harmless enough on the face just hi how are you, can't wait to get out for a dance when the pubs open etc. He reacted weird to it. It kind of sat weirdly with me.

    Anyways it's come to light messages that she sent him, back a while before we got together. She sent him a barrage of messages. Not just on one night. This went on over a couple of weeks. She was trying to get with him. Saying things like "Are you coming out to play". I thought I would get a taste of your c**k in my mouth tonight, hopefully I will get to soon. And this went on and on. He didn't respond.

    So he told me that there was a stream of other messages not as intense or vulgar on FB messenger that went on and if he didn't respond she would try calling him. These messages went on close enough to the time we got together.

    Am I right to be pissed? I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

    My bf chose to stay quiet because he's good friends with her partner and so he would just be civil to her to a degree when she calmed down with the messages. He absolutely hates cheating.

    I don't want to look like the psycho girlfriend but as far as i'm concerned I know what her agenda is and she's no right to be drunken messaging him at 2am. She clearly doesn't give a s**t about her own relationship so she would have no trouble trying to come between mine.

    Did I overreact or did I handle this situation okay?


«1

Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I found it odd he said nothing to her too. The fact he kept her text messages as proof if it ever came out but deleted the messenger ones seems a bit odd. He was cheated on before and it still affects him so I can't ever imagine him carrying on like that.

    But i've had this conversation with him saying why didn't you tell her to f**k off and block her. Just ignore her etc. He reckons he decided it would be best for everyone if he said nothing.

    I'm just annoyed because on the face of it her interaction with him since we got together could be fobbed off as innocent not knowing the previous history.


  • #3
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,985 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    In my opinion it's really up to your boyfriend to tell her to cop on and stop contacting him in this manner.

    Are you sure absolutely nothing happened between them at some point. Those messages are pretty graphic to start a flirtation on, it would normally take a few back and forth messages or something actually physically happening before you'd get to that level.

    You don't mention how long you and your boyfriend are together.

    Obviously I know nothing about your boyfriend but these are the things I think of in these situations:
    1. Something happened before you two met and he might be happy to revisit if you two break up.
    2. He's getting an ego boost so doesn't actually want the messages to stop.
    3. By allowing you to reply he has an out...he can always backtrack and say to her it was all you and he doesn't mind the messages etc.
    4. I think him not responding speaks absolute volumes.


  • #4
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,340 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    I agree with Princess. If your boyfriend was uncomfortable, he should have been the one to communicate that, it wasn't your place. It has just created drama that will continue.


  • #5
    markmoto
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 788 ✭✭✭markmoto


    Your boyfriend is guilty to some degree.
    He gave some sort of indication in the past for that behavior being acceptable.


  • #6
    Taeholic
    Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭Taeholic


    Notimeforthat wrote: »


    Am I right to be pissed? I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

    I don't want to look like the psycho girlfriend but as far as i'm concerned I know what her agenda is and she's no right to be drunken messaging him at 2am. She clearly doesn't give a s**t about her own relationship so she would have no trouble trying to come between mine.

    Did I overreact or did I handle this situation okay?


    You said this happened close enough to the time you got together, so I don't think its your place to say anything at all. If your boyfriend is actually uncomfortable with the texts then it's up to him to say that. Especially if it happened before you were even together.

    Do you trust your boyfriend? If you do then it shouldn't matter what her agenda is. Yes definitely distance yourselves from his "friend" but I suspect there's more to it than that. Block her number if necessary. This woman is only a threat to your relationship if your boyfriend allows her to be.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Taeholic wrote: »
    You said this happened close enough to the time you got together, so I don't think its your place to say anything at all. If your boyfriend is actually uncomfortable with the texts then it's up to him to say that. Especially if it happened before you were even together.

    Do you trust your boyfriend? If you do then it shouldn't matter what her agenda is. Yes definitely distance yourselves from his "friend" but I suspect there's more to it than that. Block her number if necessary. This woman is only a threat to your relationship if your boyfriend allows her to be.

    She was drunk and messaged him at 2am 5 months in to our relationship. Knowing what I know now i'm not okay with that.


  • #8
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Have you very recently gotten together with your boyfriend? If it was me and it was a very new relationship I’d kind be out the door....

    As others have said it’s very odd indeed that he didn’t ask her to stop...if they are really only just friends.

    It’s sounds like something that has been going on for a long time between them, possibly on and off, and you need to decide if you are cool with a relationship where your boyfriend allows sexual come ons from his female friends. When I read your post first I thought it was her fiancé that was his friend.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    YellowLead wrote: »
    Have you very recently gotten together with your boyfriend? If it was me and it was a very new relationship I’d kind be out the door....

    As others have said it’s very odd indeed that he didn’t ask her to stop...if they are really only just friends.

    It’s sounds like something that has been going on for a long time between them, possibly on and off, and you need to decide if you are cool with a relationship where your boyfriend allows sexual come ons from his female friends. When I read your post first I thought it was her fiancé that was his friend.

    It is her fiancee that is his friend. But he became friends with her through him. I just don't appreciate the looking good comments and 2am message when I know she has an agenda. If it was normal friendship I wouldn't care less. We're together just over 7 months. But i've known him longer and he pursued me for a long time before that.


  • #10
    Yurt2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    Your boyfriend needs to straighten her out via message. If he's not doing that, you're in for a world of hurt.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We've both blocked her on Social Media


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  • #12
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I’m trying to put myself in your bf’s shoes and see what circumstances I’d react the same in. I’ve had mates whose girlfriends and exes have made comments I’ve thought were a bit off, but yeah never even close to that direct. Part of that is I’d keep firm boundaries and either blank the person or nip the behaviour in the bud early. But even without that, for a start it’s super risky on her part to send those messages because he could obviously just show his mate...so why isn’t she nervous about that?! Whether it’s a **** conversation or not, at that stage you kinda HAVE to tell your mate just to show you’re not complicit in it, yet he went along with it. I dunno, my spidey senses would be tingling here that he’s not being fully honest about all that.

    But that was then and, whatever, if you weren’t together then it’s not really your business or relevant. It doesn’t seem like he’s done anything since you’re together, or at least you don’t have evidence of such.

    As for whether you should’ve texted her...well I wouldn’t have. What’s it going to achieve beyond unnecessary drama? Are you going to change her? Is you texting her going to have any impact on how likely your bf is to cheat on you? Tbh I’d rather be single than find myself in a situation where I was texting someone telling them to leave my partner alone. It’a a bit messy, dramatic and emotionally immature carry on from all involved to tell the truth.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    leggo wrote: »
    I’m trying to put myself in your bf’s shoes and see what circumstances I’d react the same in. I’ve had mates whose girlfriends and exes have made comments I’ve thought were a bit off, but yeah never even close to that direct. Part of that is I’d keep firm boundaries and either blank the person or nip the behaviour in the bud early. But even without that, for a start it’s super risky on her part to send those messages because he could obviously just show his mate...so why isn’t she nervous about that?! Whether it’s a **** conversation or not, at that stage you kinda HAVE to tell your mate just to show you’re not complicit in it, yet he went along with it. I dunno, my spidey senses would be tingling here that he’s not being fully honest about all that.

    But that was then and, whatever, if you weren’t together then it’s not really your business or relevant. It doesn’t seem like he’s done anything since you’re together, or at least you don’t have evidence of such.

    As for whether you should’ve texted her...well I wouldn’t have. What’s it going to achieve beyond unnecessary drama? Are you going to change her? Is you texting her going to have any impact on how likely your bf is to cheat on you? Tbh I’d rather be single than find myself in a situation where I was texting someone telling them to leave my partner alone. It’a a bit messy, dramatic and emotionally immature carry on from all involved to tell the truth.


    Maybe I shouldn't have messaged her but I despise people who carry on like that. And i'm not having that involved in my relationship. The whole thing just doesn't make sense.


  • #14
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    It’s seems odd that your boyfriend said it would be best for everyone if he said nothing, but also he blocked her on social media? Surely if they were friends it would have made more sense to ask her to stop first. She will obviously see he has blocked her. So he has blocked her on social but is he still going to answer her calls and talk to her, without mentioning this?


  • #15
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Either your boyfriend has a major boundaries problem, or there's more to their relationship than he's letting on. How things can escalate from casual friends through her partner to that type of graphic chat is a big question mark.

    You messaging her is out of order and just drama tbh, we all have to deal with interest from other people while we're in relationships but this is not your battle to fight. It's on your boyfriend to set a boundary and to decide what's an appropriate way to handle, an outlash from you and blocking on social media is going to get a little awkward considering her partner is a good friend of your boyfriend's and they'll continue to be in your lives.


  • #16
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Notimeforthat wrote: »
    Maybe I shouldn't have messaged her but I despise people who carry on like that. And i'm not having that involved in my relationship. The whole thing just doesn't make sense.

    Unfortunately for you - it’s up to your bf to decide. It’s not just your relationship - it’s the two of you. And based on his decision then you can make your own choices. It’s all very new still.


  • #17
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,366 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Your bf has zero loyalty to his ‘long time friend’. Is he going to keep quiet when his friend marries this girl? That’s not a friend and the relationship is doomed from the start. If he is letting this carry on without telling the friend then what else is he not telling you?

    The fact you know he disapproves of cheating but doesn’t tell his friend should set alarm bells off. So it’s fine when he gets these messages but doesn’t tell this long time friend, ...right, great friend.


  • #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    Your bf has zero loyalty to his ‘long time friend’. Is he going to keep quiet when his friend marries this girl? That’s not a friend and the relationship is doomed from the start. If he is letting this carry on without telling the friend then what else is he not telling you?

    The fact you know he disapproves of cheating but doesn’t tell his friend should set alarm bells off. So it’s fine when he gets these messages but doesn’t tell this long time friend, ...right, great friend.

    Maybe he just hates it when it's done to him


  • #19
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    I agree with the above too. I get that these situations are precarious and sometimes friendships can be damaged when people decide to blame the messenger. But if a close friend of mine was engaged to a man that was stalking me online and sending me completely crude messages like that, I'm not sure I could look myself in the mirror if I let that friend walk down the aisle and commit her life to this person. Especially if I was someone that "absolutely hates cheating".

    If he really hates cheating, why hasn't he challenged her on it?


  • #20
    Yurt2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    bitofabind wrote: »
    Either your boyfriend has a major boundaries problem, or there's more to their relationship than he's letting on. How things can escalate from casual friends through her partner to that type of graphic chat is a big question mark.


    I think we're getting warm with this interpretation.


  • #21
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,028 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    Your BF knows his friend and sometimes people shoot the messenger so he didn't want to tell him that his misses was coming onto him so he let it slide. she's been told to feck off and he hasn't done anything wrong on you so I think you should let it go.


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  • #22
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,366 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    spaceHopper wrote: »
    Your BF knows his friend and sometimes people shoot the messenger so he didn't want to tell him that his misses was coming onto him so he let it slide. she's been told to feck off and he hasn't done anything wrong on you so I think you should let it go.

    Problem with that is he can show the messages and be clear he didn’t do anything and is warning him. Saying she came onto him with no proof is different.

    It’s very strange he has a problem with cheating but turns a blind eye to this and doesn’t tell his friend.


  • #23
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I just re read your first post. Somehow I missed that she sent those sexual messages BEFORE you guys got together. So I don’t know what the problem is, he didn’t do anything wrong. Sure it is questionable as to whether he should tell his friend or not, but either way it’s nothing to do with your relationship to him now.


  • #24
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,384 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Notimeforthat wrote: »
    I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

    Do you think your bf needs you fighting his corner? If he had a problem in work would you get involved? This was nothing to do with you. It happened before you got together. He handled it the way he thought was best, and the (inappropriate) messages stopped. Yes, the messages she sent were highly inappropriate. But, he was single at the time, even if she wasn't, and he dealt with in his own way.

    Its fine that you're not impressed. It's fine that you don't like her. But, in my opinion, it's not fine that you intervened. They're his friends, and he was dealing with it. You may not be happy with how he's dealing with it but you should have brought that up with him, not her.


  • #25
    Taeholic
    Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭Taeholic


    Notimeforthat wrote: »
    She was drunk and messaged him at 2am 5 months in to our relationship. Knowing what I know now i'm not okay with that.


    Maybe I misreading itThe message she sent him when you were together wasn't inappropriate, as you said it was hey how are you etc While I understand that given the context of her previous messages it doesn't sit right with you. That's totally understandable but it's still not your place to tell her not to text you or your boyfriend.


  • #26
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,139 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    OP, the only relationship you should be working on is yours with your boyfriend, not his with anyone else. If you trust him there's no issue, if you don't you need to worry about him not about her. You had absolutely no place messaging her.


  • #27
    forestgirl
    Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭forestgirl


    I think your boyfriend is afraid to open his mouth 👄 ,why could that be one wonders?? Is he afraid she has something to say?


  • #28
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    If her messages coming on to him were before your relationship started, you have way overstepped the boundaries by telling her that she was vile or vulgar.

    I don’t understand why your BF didn’t tell her to cease and desist, given that she’s with a good friend of his. It sounds like both you and he have boundary issues, in different ways. Yours are controlling, but his are avoiding.

    I do find it hard to believe that given the fruity descriptions that she used, that he has never ever engaged at all. But who knows, maybe she gets her kicks from trying to shock people.

    This woman is not your battle OP. Your issue is between yourself and your BF, and is down to trust and communication between the two of you. He has an issue to deal with with you, and a separate issue to deal with re his friend’s GF coming on to him. It sounds like he’s alarmingly passive about both sets of issues.


  • #29
    Riesen_Meal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,580 ✭✭✭✭Riesen_Meal


    forestgirl wrote: »
    I think your boyfriend is afraid to open his mouth 👄 ,why could that be one wonders?? Is he afraid she has something to say?

    Exactly, sounds like she wasn't afraid to open her mouth to him judging by these texts she sent him...

    I think there is more to this than meets the eye, sounds like he had a fling with her before he met the OP and there was something going on...

    Now he is with the poster he is now backtracking, he should have ended it properly between the two of them before meeting the OP and getting involved with her...

    Sounds fishy, I would run a mile if I were you...


  • #30
    Homelander
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,434 ✭✭✭Homelander


    "Are you coming out to play". I thought I would get a taste of your c**k in my mouth tonight

    You actually think these were out of the blue messages with zero foundation, from your partners good friends fiancee?

    Sounds to me that while he didn't cheat on you, he most certainly was ****ing around with his friends fiancee at some stage and now he's deeply embarrassed by it and wants it to go away.


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  • #31
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,455 ✭✭✭Tork


    Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's much of a friend or a partner, to be honest. Why would this woman be sending him explicit texts like that if the pair of them didn't have a history? The only question here is when (not if) they were last intimate? My take on it is that the pair of them f****ed around behind his friend's back - some pal he is! I wouldn't rule out them screwing around behind your back too. Your boyfriend is acting like a guilty man who knows he's sitting on a bomb. Simply blocking this woman on social media isn't going to solve the underlying issues here. It's an easy solution because he knows that if he says something to her, anything could happen.

    The bigger question here is if you want to continue in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have much moral fibre. Is he really the man you thought he was?


  • #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tork wrote: »
    Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's much of a friend or a partner, to be honest. Why would this woman be sending him explicit texts like that if the pair of them didn't have a history? The only question here is when (not if) they were last intimate? My take on it is that the pair of them f****ed around behind his friend's back - some pal he is! I wouldn't rule out them screwing around behind your back too. Your boyfriend is acting like a guilty man who knows he's sitting on a bomb. Simply blocking this woman on social media isn't going to solve the underlying issues here. It's an easy solution because he knows that if he says something to her, anything could happen.

    The bigger question here is if you want to continue in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have much moral fibre. Is he really the man you thought he was?

    No it turns out he really isn't. We went to a small gathering at the weekend. He took coke behind my back. He told me hours after the fact. Long story short ended up with his friend screaming abuse at because I'm apparently not allowed to be passed off my bf took drugs. I was called every name under the sun. My bf ended up punching him because he called me a wh**e. I tried to leave the next morning and my bf wouldn't give me my car keys. I got them we left but he started scuffling with me to get them off me and I'm now covered in bruises. I had taken myself off to the room we were staying in for the night to get away from everything . He came in and out a couple of times. I got up at one point and he's laughing and joking with a girl he's hooked up with a couple of times knowing full well how upset I was. He keeps saying now he wants to take his own life


  • #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Homelander wrote: »
    You actually think these were out of the blue messages with zero foundation, from your partners good friends fiancee?

    Sounds to me that while he didn't cheat on you, he most certainly was ****ing around with his friends fiancee at some stage and now he's deeply embarrassed by it and wants it to go away.

    I genuinely did believe him. Not because I'm naive or stupid but I've seen him reduced to tears about how much being cheated on has affected him. Maybe I overstepped the mark by messaging her but I think he has my head wrecked about other women more than I realised.


  • #34
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Taking drugs, being physically abusive and flirting with other women. Making ridiculous suicide threats to keep you on the hook.

    You’ve only been together a wet weekend you have no house or kids to sort. I presume you have left him and not looked back!???


  • #35
    elfy4eva
    Registered Users Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭elfy4eva


    Jesus that certainly escalated. I don't think you need anyone here to tell you to run a mile now.


  • #36
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    elfy4eva wrote: »
    Jesus that certainly escalated. I don't think you need anyone here to tell you to run a mile now.

    Yeah never in my worst nightmare did I think I'd find myself in this situation. He didn't actually hit me but the bruises are from his scufflung with me to get my keys because he didn't want me to drive. It was either drive or stay in that house with his drug fuelled mate who was gunning for me.Thing is he did attempt to take his life a while back but I got to him. I'm worried sick now. But I've been there to support him as much as I could and now this my punishment. I don't deserve this. He's saying he'll hand himself into the guards if that's what I want. I just told him if he's genuinely remorseful he'll go and live a better life and get the professional help he needs. I can't change him or help him


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  • #37
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,455 ✭✭✭Tork


    At this point, it's time to walk and not look back. It's not your job to fix him or mammy him because he has issues. If you are genuinely concerned that he might do something, give his family the heads up and keep walking.


  • #38
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Notimeforthat wrote: »
    I just told him if he's genuinely remorseful he'll go and live a better life and get the professional help he needs. I can't change him or help him

    This.

    Remember that you said this and be strong and don’t get sucked back in. The amount of people who eventually leave people like this after years of crap and lament they didn’t do it sooner is unreal.

    Only he can save himself. If you stay, you just enable and end up getting dragged down with him.

    You can do it. It’s all been tough, so a bit of self care and even counselling could be what is needed for you.


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    YellowLead wrote: »
    This.

    Remember that you said this and be strong and don’t get sucked back in. The amount of people who eventually leave people like this after years of crap and lament they didn’t do it sooner is unreal.

    Only he can save himself. If you stay, you just enable and end up getting dragged down with him.

    You can do it. It’s all been tough, so a bit of self care and even counselling could be what is needed for you.

    I've already booked in with my counsellor for this week. I'm just mortified now as we live in a small town and people I know years were there. I will have to run in to some of them at some point.


  • #40
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    From "no boundaries with a female friend" to drug user, violent, emotional abuser in one fell swoop. I really hope you're not living with this guy already? If you do, get out of there and don't look back. Regardless, it's time to walk away swiftly and cut all contact. If he threatens suicide again, tell him you're going to call the police and leave it at that. This is emotional manipulation and his issues are not yours to fix. Guaranteed trying to is going to bring a sh1tstorm of pain and misery into your life.


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bitofabind wrote: »
    From "no boundaries with a female friend" to drug user, violent, emotional abuser in one fell swoop. I really hope you're not living with this guy already? If you do, get out of there and don't look back. Regardless, it's time to walk away swiftly and cut all contact. If he threatens suicide again, tell him you're going to call the police and leave it at that. This is emotional manipulation and his issues are not yours to fix. Guaranteed trying to is going to bring a sh1tstorm of pain and misery into your life.

    No i'm not living with him. I live about 5 minutes away though. If he threatens again i'll have to contact one of his family members.


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  • #42
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    bitofabind is dead on. If he threatens that again, call the police not his family. He won’t be arrested or anything, it’s just your way of helping without getting dragged into feeling responsible for him (which you’re not).

    I’d suggest looking into signs of emotional abuse, someone threatening suicide if you leave is textbook. Ditch this person, his messy friends and life. You’re getting sucked into the drama of it all, this isn’t how relationships are supposed to be.


  • #43
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,384 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I had someone threaten suicide a while ago. I wasn't in the house with them. I was 95% sure I was being manipulated but couldn't be sure. I dialled 999 and asked for the guards. Explained what was happening and was told they'd send a car round.

    About an hour later I got an abusive text for sending the guards! Who did I think I was? What the fk did I think I was doing? etc etc

    The next day while I was with them they told me they had taken an overdose.. I picked up my phone to ring an ambulance and suddenly they had a miraculous recovery. I told them I was not qualified to deal with them if they were considering or indeed HAD attempted suicide. So every time they told me they were making an attempt on their own life I would contact the professionals to go to them instead.

    That was the last I ever heard of suicide attempts, and the person is still alive..

    Anytime he contacts you, contact the guards. Because to be honest, and maybe a little crude, if he does actually take his own life, you don't want to be the one to walk in first. Let the professionals deal with it.


  • #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I had someone threaten suicide a while ago. I wasn't in the house with them. I was 95% sure I was being manipulated but couldn't be sure. I dialled 999 and asked for the guards. Explained what was happening and was told they'd send a car round.

    About an hour later I got an abusive text for sending the guards! Who did I think I was? What the fk did I think I was doing? etc etc

    The next day while I was with them they told me they had taken an overdose.. I picked up my phone to ring an ambulance and suddenly they had a miraculous recovery. I told them I was not qualified to deal with them if they were considering or indeed HAD attempted suicide. So every time they told me they were making an attempt on their own life I would contact the professionals to go to them instead.

    That was the last I ever heard of suicide attempts, and the person is still alive..

    Anytime he contacts you, contact the guards. Because to be honest, and maybe a little crude, if he does actually take his own life, you don't want to be the one to walk in first. Let the professionals deal with it.

    Thanks for the advice. I already walked in on him with a shower chord wrapped around his neck lying backwards over the bath. There was no threat. He just did it. He has been depressed for a long time he told me and he has reiterated its nothing because of me nothing because of his family. He will promise he doesn't have these thoughts anymore and would never do something like that again. Yet here he is saying everyone will be better off without him. That he feels so ashamed over what he did to me. He knows my mothers ex partner committed suicide and I took the phone call from his sister at 15. I've also witnessed someone jump from a 50 story building so he knows how much this affects me


  • #45
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    OP if you are seriously concerned there are numbers abd places he can turn to. You might even like to talk to someone about steps you can be taking at the moment. There are some useful numbers in this thread and you might consider contacting someone there to get advice on how best to move forward here.

    All the best with it

    HS


  • #46
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,384 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It's not clear from your posts, have you and he broken up? Do his family know about the suicide attempt that you found him? If so contact them today, tell them what he is saying now and let them deal with it.

    It really is not your responsibility. You are not qualified to help him through this. This is an awful lot of drama for a very young relationship.

    If you are still going out with him maybe make contact with Aware or Pieta House and get their advice. If he won't engage though, there is little you can do. And if you wouldn't stay with him if he wasn't in this frame of mind (I mean if you'd be considering breaking up with him because of recent events) then don't stay with him because of his frame of mind. That's awarding his manipulation and it will never get better for you.

    I think you are out of your depth here. I think this relationship is not good for you. Maybe he needs to not be in a relationship at the moment and work on his own demons. Maybe cheating on his bestfriend weighs heavy on his mind?

    But, whatever is going on, I think you don't need to be part of it. It's too complicated and you do not want to take responsibility for him. It is too much for one person. Especially one with your history. It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to walk away admitting you are not equipped to deal with it. He is ultimately responsible for his own choices. You don't know him long enough, or well enough to be the one responsible for him. You don't live with him. You're not going to be able to monitor him. Hand him back to his family and don't look back.


  • #47
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Did he know about your past experiences (the phone call and the jump) prior to his bath stunt?

    I’m not saying this is what he is doing, but it’s obviously a convenient means to get to you. Think about it and check it there are other pressure points he might be triggering. Could be nothing but it you notice more parallels you might have to shield yourself differently.


  • #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    Mod Note

    OP if you are seriously concerned there are numbers abd places he can turn to. You might even like to talk to someone about steps you can be taking at the moment. There are some useful numbers in this thread and you might consider contacting someone there to get advice on how best to move forward here.

    All the best with it

    HS

    Thanks for that. I've asked him 100 times to go and see someone. I even got numbers of people he could talk to. I'm sick of telling him there's absolutely no shame in speaking to someone. He know's i've had counselling myself.


  • #49
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    It's not clear from your posts, have you and he broken up? Do his family know about the suicide attempt that you found him? If so contact them today, tell them what he is saying now and let them deal with it.

    It really is not your responsibility. You are not qualified to help him through this. This is an awful lot of drama for a very young relationship.

    If you are still going out with him maybe make contact with Aware or Pieta House and get their advice. If he won't engage though, there is little you can do. And if you wouldn't stay with him if he wasn't in this frame of mind (I mean if you'd be considering breaking up with him because of recent events) then don't stay with him because of his frame of mind. That's awarding his manipulation and it will never get better for you.

    I think you are out of your depth here. I think this relationship is not good for you. Maybe he needs to not be in a relationship at the moment and work on his own demons. Maybe cheating on his bestfriend weighs heavy on his mind?

    But, whatever is going on, I think you don't need to be part of it. It's too complicated and you do not want to take responsibility for him. It is too much for one person. Especially one with your history. It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to walk away admitting you are not equipped to deal with it. He is ultimately responsible for his own choices. You don't know him long enough, or well enough to be the one responsible for him. You don't live with him. You're not going to be able to monitor him. Hand him back to his family and don't look back.

    We're not together anymore. I can't put up with that. His family are fully aware of the first suicide attempt. We were in his house that night and his dad heard the commotion. I spoke to his sister too. His family think he's doing great since he met me apparently and are always saying to him they love me etc. But there's no love from the one person there should be in this situation if this is how they treat me. I know him longer than the time we were together. Or I thought I did. I might contact Aware or Pieta anyways and see what they say.

    He's had to suffer the loss of two brothers and a parent walk out on him at a young age along with being bullied when he was younger so I understand why he might be a bit m****d up. But it's still not an excuse to treat me like this.

    His friend attacked me the other night as if I was the worst person in the world too. Little does he know how i've been there for him. None of his friends know any of what's been going on.


  • #50
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Did he know about your past experiences (the phone call and the jump) prior to his bath stunt?

    I’m not saying this is what he is doing, but it’s obviously a convenient means to get to you. Think about it and check it there are other pressure points he might be triggering. Could be nothing but it you notice more parallels you might have to shield yourself differently.

    He did, he was fully aware of it. He has had these thoughts before meeting me apparently though


  • #51
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    If you are not together anymore you need to cut him out of your life fully - no more telling him to do this or that or listening to him saying he will do this or that. It’s the only way to start your own recovery and healing, away from him.


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