Long time friend of bf tried to cheat with him

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's much of a friend or a partner, to be honest. Why would this woman be sending him explicit texts like that if the pair of them didn't have a history? The only question here is when (not if) they were last intimate? My take on it is that the pair of them f****ed around behind his friend's back - some pal he is! I wouldn't rule out them screwing around behind your back too. Your boyfriend is acting like a guilty man who knows he's sitting on a bomb. Simply blocking this woman on social media isn't going to solve the underlying issues here. It's an easy solution because he knows that if he says something to her, anything could happen.

The bigger question here is if you want to continue in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have much moral fibre. Is he really the man you thought he was?

No it turns out he really isn't. We went to a small gathering at the weekend. He took coke behind my back. He told me hours after the fact. Long story short ended up with his friend screaming abuse at because I'm apparently not allowed to be passed off my bf took drugs. I was called every name under the sun. My bf ended up punching him because he called me a wh**e. I tried to leave the next morning and my bf wouldn't give me my car keys. I got them we left but he started scuffling with me to get them off me and I'm now covered in bruises. I had taken myself off to the room we were staying in for the night to get away from everything . He came in and out a couple of times. I got up at one point and he's laughing and joking with a girl he's hooked up with a couple of times knowing full well how upset I was. He keeps saying now he wants to take his own life

LegacyUser

Homelander wrote: »

You actually think these were out of the blue messages with zero foundation, from your partners good friends fiancee?

Sounds to me that while he didn't cheat on you, he most certainly was ****ing around with his friends fiancee at some stage and now he's deeply embarrassed by it and wants it to go away.

I genuinely did believe him. Not because I'm naive or stupid but I've seen him reduced to tears about how much being cheated on has affected him. Maybe I overstepped the mark by messaging her but I think he has my head wrecked about other women more than I realised.

YellowLead

Taking drugs, being physically abusive and flirting with other women. Making ridiculous suicide threats to keep you on the hook.

You’ve only been together a wet weekend you have no house or kids to sort. I presume you have left him and not looked back!???

elfy4eva

Jesus that certainly escalated. I don't think you need anyone here to tell you to run a mile now.

LegacyUser

elfy4eva wrote: »

Jesus that certainly escalated. I don't think you need anyone here to tell you to run a mile now.

Yeah never in my worst nightmare did I think I'd find myself in this situation. He didn't actually hit me but the bruises are from his scufflung with me to get my keys because he didn't want me to drive. It was either drive or stay in that house with his drug fuelled mate who was gunning for me.Thing is he did attempt to take his life a while back but I got to him. I'm worried sick now. But I've been there to support him as much as I could and now this my punishment. I don't deserve this. He's saying he'll hand himself into the guards if that's what I want. I just told him if he's genuinely remorseful he'll go and live a better life and get the professional help he needs. I can't change him or help him

Tork

At this point, it's time to walk and not look back. It's not your job to fix him or mammy him because he has issues. If you are genuinely concerned that he might do something, give his family the heads up and keep walking.

YellowLead

Notimeforthat wrote: »

I just told him if he's genuinely remorseful he'll go and live a better life and get the professional help he needs. I can't change him or help him

This.

Remember that you said this and be strong and don’t get sucked back in. The amount of people who eventually leave people like this after years of crap and lament they didn’t do it sooner is unreal.

Only he can save himself. If you stay, you just enable and end up getting dragged down with him.

You can do it. It’s all been tough, so a bit of self care and even counselling could be what is needed for you.

LegacyUser

YellowLead wrote: »

This.

Remember that you said this and be strong and don’t get sucked back in. The amount of people who eventually leave people like this after years of crap and lament they didn’t do it sooner is unreal.

Only he can save himself. If you stay, you just enable and end up getting dragged down with him.

You can do it. It’s all been tough, so a bit of self care and even counselling could be what is needed for you.

I've already booked in with my counsellor for this week. I'm just mortified now as we live in a small town and people I know years were there. I will have to run in to some of them at some point.

bitofabind

From "no boundaries with a female friend" to drug user, violent, emotional abuser in one fell swoop. I really hope you're not living with this guy already? If you do, get out of there and don't look back. Regardless, it's time to walk away swiftly and cut all contact. If he threatens suicide again, tell him you're going to call the police and leave it at that. This is emotional manipulation and his issues are not yours to fix. Guaranteed trying to is going to bring a sh1tstorm of pain and misery into your life.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

From "no boundaries with a female friend" to drug user, violent, emotional abuser in one fell swoop. I really hope you're not living with this guy already? If you do, get out of there and don't look back. Regardless, it's time to walk away swiftly and cut all contact. If he threatens suicide again, tell him you're going to call the police and leave it at that. This is emotional manipulation and his issues are not yours to fix. Guaranteed trying to is going to bring a sh1tstorm of pain and misery into your life.

No i'm not living with him. I live about 5 minutes away though. If he threatens again i'll have to contact one of his family members.

leggo

bitofabind is dead on. If he threatens that again, call the police not his family. He won’t be arrested or anything, it’s just your way of helping without getting dragged into feeling responsible for him (which you’re not).

I’d suggest looking into signs of emotional abuse, someone threatening suicide if you leave is textbook. Ditch this person, his messy friends and life. You’re getting sucked into the drama of it all, this isn’t how relationships are supposed to be.

Big Bag of Chips

I had someone threaten suicide a while ago. I wasn't in the house with them. I was 95% sure I was being manipulated but couldn't be sure. I dialled 999 and asked for the guards. Explained what was happening and was told they'd send a car round.

About an hour later I got an abusive text for sending the guards! Who did I think I was? What the fk did I think I was doing? etc etc

The next day while I was with them they told me they had taken an overdose.. I picked up my phone to ring an ambulance and suddenly they had a miraculous recovery. I told them I was not qualified to deal with them if they were considering or indeed HAD attempted suicide. So every time they told me they were making an attempt on their own life I would contact the professionals to go to them instead.

That was the last I ever heard of suicide attempts, and the person is still alive..

Anytime he contacts you, contact the guards. Because to be honest, and maybe a little crude, if he does actually take his own life, you don't want to be the one to walk in first. Let the professionals deal with it.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I had someone threaten suicide a while ago. I wasn't in the house with them. I was 95% sure I was being manipulated but couldn't be sure. I dialled 999 and asked for the guards. Explained what was happening and was told they'd send a car round.

About an hour later I got an abusive text for sending the guards! Who did I think I was? What the fk did I think I was doing? etc etc

The next day while I was with them they told me they had taken an overdose.. I picked up my phone to ring an ambulance and suddenly they had a miraculous recovery. I told them I was not qualified to deal with them if they were considering or indeed HAD attempted suicide. So every time they told me they were making an attempt on their own life I would contact the professionals to go to them instead.

That was the last I ever heard of suicide attempts, and the person is still alive..

Anytime he contacts you, contact the guards. Because to be honest, and maybe a little crude, if he does actually take his own life, you don't want to be the one to walk in first. Let the professionals deal with it.

Thanks for the advice. I already walked in on him with a shower chord wrapped around his neck lying backwards over the bath. There was no threat. He just did it. He has been depressed for a long time he told me and he has reiterated its nothing because of me nothing because of his family. He will promise he doesn't have these thoughts anymore and would never do something like that again. Yet here he is saying everyone will be better off without him. That he feels so ashamed over what he did to me. He knows my mothers ex partner committed suicide and I took the phone call from his sister at 15. I've also witnessed someone jump from a 50 story building so he knows how much this affects me

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP if you are seriously concerned there are numbers abd places he can turn to. You might even like to talk to someone about steps you can be taking at the moment. There are some useful numbers in this thread and you might consider contacting someone there to get advice on how best to move forward here.

All the best with it

HS

Big Bag of Chips

It's not clear from your posts, have you and he broken up? Do his family know about the suicide attempt that you found him? If so contact them today, tell them what he is saying now and let them deal with it.

It really is not your responsibility. You are not qualified to help him through this. This is an awful lot of drama for a very young relationship.

If you are still going out with him maybe make contact with Aware or Pieta House and get their advice. If he won't engage though, there is little you can do. And if you wouldn't stay with him if he wasn't in this frame of mind (I mean if you'd be considering breaking up with him because of recent events) then don't stay with him because of his frame of mind. That's awarding his manipulation and it will never get better for you.

I think you are out of your depth here. I think this relationship is not good for you. Maybe he needs to not be in a relationship at the moment and work on his own demons. Maybe cheating on his bestfriend weighs heavy on his mind?

But, whatever is going on, I think you don't need to be part of it. It's too complicated and you do not want to take responsibility for him. It is too much for one person. Especially one with your history. It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to walk away admitting you are not equipped to deal with it. He is ultimately responsible for his own choices. You don't know him long enough, or well enough to be the one responsible for him. You don't live with him. You're not going to be able to monitor him. Hand him back to his family and don't look back.

Jequ0n

Did he know about your past experiences (the phone call and the jump) prior to his bath stunt?

I’m not saying this is what he is doing, but it’s obviously a convenient means to get to you. Think about it and check it there are other pressure points he might be triggering. Could be nothing but it you notice more parallels you might have to shield yourself differently.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

OP if you are seriously concerned there are numbers abd places he can turn to. You might even like to talk to someone about steps you can be taking at the moment. There are some useful numbers in this thread and you might consider contacting someone there to get advice on how best to move forward here.

All the best with it

HS

Thanks for that. I've asked him 100 times to go and see someone. I even got numbers of people he could talk to. I'm sick of telling him there's absolutely no shame in speaking to someone. He know's i've had counselling myself.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's not clear from your posts, have you and he broken up? Do his family know about the suicide attempt that you found him? If so contact them today, tell them what he is saying now and let them deal with it.

It really is not your responsibility. You are not qualified to help him through this. This is an awful lot of drama for a very young relationship.

If you are still going out with him maybe make contact with Aware or Pieta House and get their advice. If he won't engage though, there is little you can do. And if you wouldn't stay with him if he wasn't in this frame of mind (I mean if you'd be considering breaking up with him because of recent events) then don't stay with him because of his frame of mind. That's awarding his manipulation and it will never get better for you.

I think you are out of your depth here. I think this relationship is not good for you. Maybe he needs to not be in a relationship at the moment and work on his own demons. Maybe cheating on his bestfriend weighs heavy on his mind?

But, whatever is going on, I think you don't need to be part of it. It's too complicated and you do not want to take responsibility for him. It is too much for one person. Especially one with your history. It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to walk away admitting you are not equipped to deal with it. He is ultimately responsible for his own choices. You don't know him long enough, or well enough to be the one responsible for him. You don't live with him. You're not going to be able to monitor him. Hand him back to his family and don't look back.

We're not together anymore. I can't put up with that. His family are fully aware of the first suicide attempt. We were in his house that night and his dad heard the commotion. I spoke to his sister too. His family think he's doing great since he met me apparently and are always saying to him they love me etc. But there's no love from the one person there should be in this situation if this is how they treat me. I know him longer than the time we were together. Or I thought I did. I might contact Aware or Pieta anyways and see what they say.

He's had to suffer the loss of two brothers and a parent walk out on him at a young age along with being bullied when he was younger so I understand why he might be a bit m****d up. But it's still not an excuse to treat me like this.

His friend attacked me the other night as if I was the worst person in the world too. Little does he know how i've been there for him. None of his friends know any of what's been going on.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Did he know about your past experiences (the phone call and the jump) prior to his bath stunt?

I’m not saying this is what he is doing, but it’s obviously a convenient means to get to you. Think about it and check it there are other pressure points he might be triggering. Could be nothing but it you notice more parallels you might have to shield yourself differently.

He did, he was fully aware of it. He has had these thoughts before meeting me apparently though

YellowLead

If you are not together anymore you need to cut him out of your life fully - no more telling him to do this or that or listening to him saying he will do this or that. It’s the only way to start your own recovery and healing, away from him.

Jequ0n

YellowLead wrote: »

If you are not together anymore you need to cut him out of your life fully - no more telling him to do this or that or listening to him saying he will do this or that. It’s the only way to start your own recovery and healing, away from him.

Then I second what other posters said about putting yourself first.
A person like that cannot he helped if they are unwilling to address their issues themselves. Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

If you are no longer together then you need to remove his access to you. You have encouraged him to seek counselling over and over, and he refuses. You cannot make an adult engage. His family are aware of his issues.

Listen, life is pretty sht for a lot of us. But we find ways to cope. Some people won't find their own way, preferring to lean on others and make their problems the responsibility of someone else. Don't fall into that trap, because it is one you will find very very difficult to escape from.

You have an opportunity now to not be sucked into this. Take it. Block his number. Block his social media. It will be tough, because I sense you're a "fixer". You feel the need to be strong, and encourage and support. That's a fantastic trait to have, and you'd make a wonderful friend/partner to someone who wants to be helped. By refusing to address his issues with professionals he is telling you he doesn't really want help. Not yet. For now he wants you to sort it out, make life easy for him, so that he doesn't have to face life.

The problem is, that's not working. For you, or him. If it was, you wouldn't be in this situation right now.

If you stay available to him, you are enabling him and you get trapped in a co-dependent relationship. Him needing you to lean on so he can avoid dealing with his problems, and you needing to feel needed by him, and that you're the only one who can save him.

Its not easy to turn your back when you care. But sometimes it's the best for everyone.

Hannibal_Smith

Notimeforthat wrote: »

Thanks for that. I've asked him 100 times to go and see someone. I even got numbers of people he could talk to. I'm sick of telling him there's absolutely no shame in speaking to someone. He know's i've had counselling myself.

Well you can only suggest he make contact, the decision to actually take the step is his. What I mean about you contacting someone is to talk to someone who can help you through breaking away from the relationship. Its a tough step to be making on your own and its something you must feel that he is very much in control of while he's holding something so serious over you. A call to someone who would have experience in dealing with these situations may be helpful.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Well you can only suggest he make contact, the decision to actually take the step is his. What I mean about you contacting someone is to talk to someone who can help you through breaking away from the relationship. Its a tough step to be making on your own and its something you must feel that he is very much in control of while he's holding something so serious over you. A call to someone who would have experience in dealing with these situations may be helpful.

I'm with you now. I've made an appointment with my counsellor for tomorrow.

LegacyUser

"Big Bag of Chips" has nailed it with their previous post.

Completely remove yourself from the situation. His choices are on him, people like him often try to pose the "If you do X then I'll do Y" manipulation. He can do Y but he will have done so because he chose to do so, it won't be because you did X. So your conscience should be absolutely clear in all of this.

Well done on walking out. Much easier said than done. Focus on yourself for now.

Potatoeman

On top of the issues you mentioned I’d say this guy is a narcissist. The way his friend turned on you would make me question what he’s been saying to them. It sounds like he complains to them about you but doesn’t mention his own faults and he’s always the victim. Also he tried to kill himself in a house full of people so was likely to be found before he died.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

On top of the issues you mentioned I’d say this guy is a narcissist. The way his friend turned on you would make me question what he’s been saying to them. It sounds like he complains to them about you but doesn’t mention his own faults and he’s always the victim. Also he tried to kill himself in a house full of people so was likely to be found before he died.

Interesting point of view. I actually speak to him quite regularly about someone in my life who is a narcissist and how i'd hate to turn out like that. That's one of the things his friend called me. But yeah maybe that's something I need to look at if i'm attracting that kind in to my life. Definitely didn't see it with him though.

Hmm_Messiah

ignore

things seemed to have escalated rather quickly from the original post