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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar that says

    FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

    Bartender replies Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.

    Second, there’s an alagator out back with a sore tooth you have to remove it with your bare hands.

    Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm.

    You gotta make things right for her.

    The guy says, Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it.

    You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teeqeelah?

    He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

    Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
    “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Just so everybody's clear... I’m going to put my glasses on.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
    Confused, I ask him what he was doing.
    “Just checking my balance,” he said.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    How do flat earthers travel the world?
    On a plane.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
    It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.

    You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires.

    The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, did you do what I told you to do?

    Yes, damm it got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing she shouts.

    The owner, looking confused, replies, It’s a perfectly trained frog.

    I can’t understand what’s wrong.

    He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop.

    He places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

    What? she shouts.

    Turning to the frog, he says,

    Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
    I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Four elephants, one carrying a can of paraffin walk off a cliff.






































    boom, boom,boom,boom Esso Blue!

    (only people of a certain age will get that one) ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

    When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

    I am placed in the door and told when to jump my hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

    But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

    I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered.

    But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

    He quickly answered Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,592 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    WE FORGOT TO MENTION THE BIG ENORMOUS SPACECRAFT THAT SIT MOTIONLESS IN DEEP SPACE BUT HAVE GRAVITY AND ...


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    WE FORGOT TO MENTION THE BIG ENORMOUS SPACECRAFT THAT SIT MOTIONLESS IN DEEP SPACE BUT HAVE GRAVITY AND ...
    Illogical!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife was complaining that I treat her like a child.

    So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,592 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    As long as you can award a participation trophy, things are good ...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    True story; as I struggled pushing a full shopping trolley with a wonky wheel through dunnes car park, I said to the wife, I think this fn thing would be easier pulled than pushed.
    She looked and said earnestly, yeah, it's a pity there wasn't a handle at the front.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A class of play school kids were trying to get used to their first day in school.

    The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

    You need to use big people words, she said to them when you speak.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

    He replied i went to visit my nana.

    No replied the teacher you went to visit your grandmother.

    Use big people words in class.

    She then asked Michael what he had done for the weekend.

    He replied i took a ride on a choo-choo.

    She said, no, you took a ride on a train.

    Again she said use big people words in class.

    She then asked Bobby what he had done for the weekend.

    I read a book, he replied.

    That's wonderful the teacher said and asked what book did you read?

    Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,

    Winnie the Sh*t.


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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What is green and has wheels?








































    Grass (I lied about the wheels)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    New Home wrote: »
    What is green and has wheels?

    Grass (I lied about the wheels)

    And broccoli, green snooker balls too!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A bride tells her hasband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

    "Ok, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.
    Afterwards, the husband is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "honey the prisoner seem to have escaped." turning on his saide, he smiles. "Then we will have to reimprison him."

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his Cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "honey , the prisoner is out again!"

    The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    she nudges him and says, "honey, the prisoner escaped again."

    Slowly turning his head, He YELLS at her "Hey, it;s not a life sentence. OKAY!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,382 ✭✭✭lolie


    The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
    in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
    noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
    drinking beer.
    The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
    door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
    Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
    of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
    she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
    When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
    back and forth.
    The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
    grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
    their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
    After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
    on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
    The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
    any of that carrying on in this pub.'
    The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
    don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
    said,
    'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    I got into the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the bell boy said, Have a good day, son.

    Don’t call me son,I said.

    You’re not my dad.

    He scratched his head and said,

    No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    What did one toilet say to the other?

    You look a bit flushed.


    Why was the broom late?

    Because it over-swept.


    What do you call an exploding monkey?

    A ba-boom!


    Where do wasps go when they're not feeling very well?

    The waspital.


    What wobbles as it flies through the sky?

    A jelly-copter.


    How do you cut a wave in half?

    Use a sea-saw.


    Knock, knock

    Who's there?

    Tank.

    Tank who?

    You're welcome!

    What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?


    Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?


    What goes tick, tick, woof, woof

    A watch dog.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

    "Capricorn." I replied.

    "Yeah, right," he tutted.

    "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    An old lady goes into her local grocer and asks for half a pound of tuppenny rice and half a pound of treacle. She starts to count out and hand over the money. A weasel noticed what was happening and ran out of the shop screaming


  • Registered Users Posts: 40 AIRMiNet


    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

    The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

    If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

    The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

    He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

    The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

    He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

    The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

    Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

    The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

    He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

    But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A man and woman are chatting in a bar.
    'How old do think I am?' she asks...

    ..'hmmm...based on your skin....25...your eyes...20....and your body..18'
    '
    oooh..you really know how to charm a woman'

    ...'be quiet a minute' he says..'I'm trying to add up here...'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,592 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    But I am a monk -- on call.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

    I would like to buy this TV, she said to the salesman.

    Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

    She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again said to the salesman,

    I would like to buy this TV.

    Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

    Dam, he recognized me, she thought.

    She went for a complete disguise this time: brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses.

    Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said,

    I would like to buy this TV.

    Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

    Frustrated, she asked, How do you know I’m a blonde?

    Because that’s a microwave, he replied.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My father used to say, "Always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    (Peter Kay)


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My wife sent her photo to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
    (Les Dawson)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been drinking since early evening.

    While been very drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

    While passing a graveyard one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

    The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

    Her friend, however, was wearing expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to find a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

    After finishing, they then made off for home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, These damn girls night out have got to stop.

    My wife came home last night without her panties.

    That's nothing, said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said,

    From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

    The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

    Hey look, I’m a vet I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions:

    I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?

    The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said,

    There you are.

    Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    A demanding patient went in to see their doctor saying, Dr, I have a desperate itch between my toes, I'd like you to refer me on immediately to a specialist!
    The doctor asked, what type of specialist are you looking for?
    The agitated patient said loudly, one that can fix this fn itch between my toes!
    The doctor then says, well that could be one of two types of specialist, depending on whether the itch is between all your toes, or, if it's between your big toes.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle.

    One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

    Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle.

    The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, I think I'll get up and get a coke.

    "No problem," says the attorney, I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you.

    While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it.

    When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

    Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

    The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.

    As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

    How long must this go on he asks the physicians?

    This fighting between our professions?

    This hatred? This animosity?

    This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid...

    ...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew he was thinking it...


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Theresa May might as well become a Jehovah's Witness.


    They don't have a party at Christmas either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,506 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    Despite being intolerant to bread and other wheat products, I still eat it every day.

    I am a gluten for punishment.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.

    Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence.

    Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

    The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

    The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

    Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen.

    You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,197 ✭✭✭christy c


    I was caught by a guard climbing over a wall at the Aviva last night. He shouted "get back in there and watch the rest of it". #ROI v NI


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip

    So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a few sips of vodka. He tnen proceeded to give his sermon. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, Eat me.

    12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God and finally...

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,461 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    A naked woman gets into a cab in New York with a Chinese driver.
    Her turns and looks her up and down.
    'what's the matter' she says 'you've never seen a naked woman before?'
    'no' he says 'I just wonder where you have money to pay fare'.

    Moral of the story, be more like the Chinese and focus on your work.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

    The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.The priest asks what did you do?The woman says I committed adultery. Priest: asks how many times? The Woman replies. Three times father.The Priest:says to the lady say two Hail Mary's, put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.

    A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says Father forgive me for I have sinned. The Priest asks what did you do? The Man replies I committed adultery.The Priest: asks how many times? The man repliesThree times.The Priest: says to the man say two Hail Mary's put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.

    The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

    A few minutes later another woman enters and says Rabbi forgive me for I have sinned.The Rabbi asks what did you do? The woman replies I committed adultery Rabbi. How many times. The Woman replies once. Rabbi.

    The Rabbi then says go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for €5.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

    When she arrived at the place, the man said Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up on your own.

    "Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.

    Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

    At 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"

    At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

    At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!

    Luckily she survived, what happened?" he exclaimed.

    "Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    Was taking a piss in the site toilets once. 2 out of 3 cubicles were in use, I was at the urinal.. out of nowhere one of the ****ers having a **** let's out a lung****er of a fart for about 6 seconds. Then nothing but silence.. until a few seconds later the other fella shouts to the next cubicle "fukcing hell, a bit more choke and that would of started"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

    this must mean electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The pothole outside my house was so big it took six council workers to watch the guy who came to fix it.

    https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/7a/d1/3f7ad1a44193476c7a3063d2b74cef26.jpg


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A young naval student was being put through his paces by an old sea captain.

    What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard asked the captain?

    Throw out an anchor, sir, the student replied.

    What would you do if another storm sprang up after that?

    Throw out another anchor, sir.

    And if another horiffic storm sprang up after that one what would you do then? asked the captain.

    Throw out another anchor, the boy replied once again.

    Hold on, said the captain.Where are you getting all those anchors from?

    From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,531 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying.

    The man asks hat’s wrong?

    The woman says i've never been hugged before. So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

    The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again.

    The man says what’s wrong, now?

    The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before. So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

    The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?

    The woman says well, I’ve never been fu*ked before.

    So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells your'e fu*cked.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,592 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

    this must mean electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.

    Frosty the Snowman can be defrosted, Santa Claus can be slayed, Superman can be de-cape-itated, the weatherman can be confronted, the dentist defanged, the call girl recalled, nuns could be out of their habits, Batman and Robin could be on the wane, in a manor of speaking ... and the news reader on TV could be muted.

    The water meter reader could be dehydrated too. And the comedian could be joked to death. Putin might be de-Stalinated.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,763 ✭✭✭✭thesandeman


    Frosty the Snowman can be defrosted, Santa Claus can be slayed, Superman can be de-cape-itated, the weatherman can be confronted, the dentist defanged, the call girl recalled, nuns could be out of their habits, Batman and Robin could be on the wane, in a manor of speaking ... and the news reader on TV could be muted.

    The water meter reader could be dehydrated too. And the comedian could be joked to death. Putin might be de-Stalinated.

    You could be brain dead.
















    Note to mods: Check username before you decide to ban me!


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