Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

Brendan Bendar · 22-01-2019 7:45pm

The Enbalmer wrote: »

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

E... I unreservedly apologise for those badly thought out suggestions.

I would not jump to conclusions about the ironed-in piss stain, lad probably had a few ‘wet coins ‘ in his pocket .Scattering of ‘forget-me -nots’ if you will.

Doubt if it was a deposit of ‘knuckle glitter’ though.

The Enbalmer · 22-01-2019 10:09pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

When the internet is brought down in an act of warfare then the man with 15 boxes of ‘gentleman’s art pamphlets’ in the attic will be King.

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

The Enbalmer · 22-01-2019 10:16pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

E... I unreservedly apologise for those badly thought out suggestions.

I would not jump to conclusions about the ironed-in piss stain, lad probably had a few ‘wet coins ‘ in his pocket .Scattering of ‘forget-me -nots’ if you will.

Doubt if it was a deposit of ‘knuckle glitter’ though.

Nah,it looked like the fcucker was a sink-pisser..zip up too early while the flute is above the level of the sink to avoid getting piss on the lino.

Resulting few drops of urine fall back into the trousers and spread through osmosis across the draylon. The auld urea leaches into the clothes and forms a coating of saltpetre that should never be ironed.

By the purple puss on the cnunt I'd say he was wearing the suit when he decided to iron it.

Filthy degenerate

JohnnyFlash · 22-01-2019 10:22pm

The Enbalmer wrote: »

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

Probably see a return to more old-fashioned activities such as saddle sniffing, robbing delicates from the neighbours clothesline, and spying on nudie beaches from the relative safety of a sand dune.

The Enbalmer · 22-01-2019 10:28pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

Probably see a return to more old-fashioned activities such as saddle sniffing, robbing delicates from the neighbours clothesline, and spying on nudie beaches from the relative safety of a sand dune.

I do hope so.
I can return to my previous life as a flasher.

sligojoek · 22-01-2019 11:49pm

From a festival I was at in 2010

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DJIMI TRARORE · 23-01-2019 1:00am

This one goes back to the mid nineties,quiet Fri evening,6/7 o'clock. Mate arrives in,having stopped coming home from college to take advantage of a Beamish promotion tells us he'd swallowed 12 pints( believeable) and proceeded to horse another 5/6 Guinness into him b4 heading for the toilet. 30 mins later barman asks if "Paddy" has gone home. I said no,jacks and he asks me to check on him. In I go to the urinal area and the ****e is splattered 4-5 feet of the ground around the whole 4 walls,I puke my guts up,check the cubicle,it's like something out of a nuclear explosion,no sign of the mate so I knock on ladies door,no answer so I go in and find him covered in **** and his trousers around his ankles lying in the middle of the floor. I call the barman who quickly empties the pub and he still drinks there,but it was never mentioned. PS: he got the blame for my puke aswell,4 children + hundreds of ****ty nappies later + I can still smell it

PARlance · 23-01-2019 1:11am

I'm away with work, got this text from my wife earlier

***** got out of bed to go to the toilet. When I went up he was peeing into the bath. Then he thought the bath was his bed and tried to get into the bath.

At 4, he's a little shy of being a man. I'll be checking the little bugger's room for bottles of whiskey when I get home.

sligojoek · 23-01-2019 1:48am

PARlance wrote: »

I'm away with work, got this text from my wife earlier

***** got out of bed to go to the toilet. When I went up he was peeing into the bath. Then he thought the bath was his bed and tried to get into the bath.

At 4, he's a little shy of being a man. I'll be checking the little bugger's room for bottles of whiskey when I get home.

He's been sneaking out with Johnny, Brendan and the lads.

In Homebase Sligo not long after it opened. I was having a look around the tiling section (for the laugh) . My then 2 yr old daughter came over to tell me the toilet wouldn't flush. Turned out she'd been anal-non-retentive on one of the display toilets. One of her arms is about an inch longer since. I went back a week later with a woolly hat and sunglasses on to discover all the lids had been taped down. WIse move by the management,

Ush1 · 23-01-2019 1:20pm

Just back from the jax there in work.

A fella in one of the traps obviously had a bit of an airlock going on in his pipework. Cue the sounds of him shifting around on the seat and then it was a noise like a whales mating call echoing around the bowl. Ended with a raspy crescendo which I'm sure sprayed brown fizz indiscriminately.

JohnnyFlash · 23-01-2019 1:43pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Just back from the jax there in work.

A fella in one of the traps obviously had a bit of an airlock going on in his pipework. Cue the sounds of him shifting around on the seat and then it was a noise like a whales mating call echoing around the bowl. Ended with a raspy crescendo which I'm sure sprayed brown fizz indiscriminately.

Think a lot of that could be down to dietary and lifestyle choices that people start to follow in January for a while. Being forced to eat vegetarian food because the wife read in the paper that meat was destroying the world. Promising to give up the fags, the drink, and sneaking into the chipper for a bag of chips and a battered sausage. Having smoothies and overnight oats for breakfast instead of 8 sausages, 6 slices of batch loaf, and 4 benson and hedges.

The digestive system goes into shock and simply cannot cope with the sudden change. Lads are either extremely bound up and not able to shîte at all (very common around here I’d imagine considering how uptight and narky some honchos can be) or they are passing out litres of liquidy midden all day.

Ush1 · 23-01-2019 1:51pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Think a lot of that could be down to dietary and lifestyle choices that people start to follow in January for a while. Being forced to eat vegetarian food because the wife read in the paper that meat was destroying the world. Promising to give up the fags, the drink, and sneaking into the chipper for a bag of chips and a battered sausage. Having smoothies and overnight oats for breakfast instead of 8 sausages, 6 slices of batch loaf, and 4 benson and hedges.

The digestive system goes into shock and simply cannot cope with the sudden change. Lads are either extremely bound up and not able to shîte at all (very common around here I’d imagine considering how uptight and narky some honchos can be) or they are passing out litres of liquidy midden all day.

Very true Johnny. They lack the meat and two veg to demand their meat and two veg.

Brendan Bendar · 23-01-2019 4:00pm

Very well thought out synopsis of the problem, lads,well done.

Diet is the key for sure.Personally I cut down big time on the red meat and spuds and switched to a low fat oily fish and veggie diet .

I was shítting rusty water for about a week after it..in fact out on the golf course I got a strong push on the rivet...had to make for the bushes and barely got the strides and the muzzle aimed before the place exploded in a fawn shower of loose midden,showered a plantation of small shrubs with ‘mince meat’.

The real irony was two days later the area was marked off as ‘GUR’ ground under repair.

Luckily I seem to have gotten away with it.

Wibbs · 23-01-2019 4:09pm

sligojoek wrote: »

One of her arms is about an inch longer since.

:pac::pac::pac::D You reminded me of my da suggesting to the Ma when I was kid to try alternating arms as I was going lopsided.

The Enbalmer · 23-01-2019 4:17pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Lads are either extremely bound up and not able to shîte at all (very common around here I’d imagine considering how uptight and narky some honchos can be) or they are passing out litres of liquidy midden all day.

Strangely the two aren't mutually exclusive.

A good friend of mine who moonlights as a physician told me that oftentimes the excreting of liquid drittle can be a symptom of having an "eggbound" blockage somewhere in the lower end of the digestive system.

For example,a gentleman can hit the drink heavily for a number of weeks and neglect to eat as healthily as might be desired.

After a while there's no food in gut to push the hardened balls of "turkish delight" out into the pan where it belongs.

The liquid scutter is forced around the stubborn lump and expelled via a small fissure with accompanying gaseous bells and whistles.

A diet of fried spam,pickled eggs and boiled whelks is recommended by the medical fraternity to ensure "bottom health" is restored.

Ush1 · 23-01-2019 5:05pm

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Strangely the two aren't mutually exclusive.

A good friend of mine who moonlights as a physician told me that oftentimes the excreting of liquid drittle can be a symptom of having an "eggbound" blockage somewhere in the lower end of the digestive system.

For example,a gentleman can hit the drink heavily for a number of weeks and neglect to eat as healthily as might be desired.

After a while there's no food in gut to push the hardened balls of "turkish delight" out into the pan where it belongs.

The liquid scutter is forced around the stubborn lump and expelled via a small fissure with accompanying gaseous bells and whistles.

A diet of fried spam,pickled eggs and boiled whelks is recommended by the medical fraternity to ensure "bottom health" is restored.

You've "struck oil", so to speak.

Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

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