The wit & wisdom of pa trout

trout · 02-04-2007 8:54am #1

Brothers ... today is the 18th anniversary of the passing of my old man, pa trout.

I would ask you to raise a virtual glass, for he was truly one of us ... (6 foot 2, 18 stone, massive girth, spear bald since the age of 21, could fart the intro's to many of the top 70's love songs ... you get the picture)

To give you a measure of the man, I would like to share some of the following memories

#1 ... pa trout, to junior trout on his rugby debut "remember son, prop's don't have to get there first, just get there the most".

#2 ... ma trout announcing she was going back to college, to study politics and feminist studies; "we're gonna sweep the country" she says ... pa trout replies "you can start with the kitchen"

#3 ... wedding anniversary card from pa trout to ma trout "10 years married today ... it's well for ya"

#4 ... on hearing about Guinness Lite pa trout announced " ah... it will be good for the hairdressers to have their own beer, and leave the Harp to the wimmin"

pa trout ... we hardly knew ye

Slow Motion · 02-04-2007 10:39am

trout wrote:

#2 ... ma trout announcing she was going back to college, to study politics and feminist studies; "we're gonna sweep the country" she says ... pa trout replies "you can start with the kitchen"

pa trout ... we hardly knew ye

*Raises glass*
"Hail to the 'ould Trout !"

Zaph · 02-04-2007 1:23pm

Truly a Trout among men, if he was still with us he would be our village elder.

brianthebard · 02-04-2007 1:59pm

zaph wrote:

Truly a Trout among men, if he was still with us he would be our village elder.

Perhaps a village ancestor, a symbolic representative through the aeons who has come to embody what BGRH is all about?

trout · 03-04-2007 12:34am

#5 ... pa trout to anxious trout at the onset of puberty "don't you be worried about yer genitals son ... they'll stand up for themselves"

Mahatma coat · 03-04-2007 8:10am

Brilliant, ya know we should have a proper 'words of wisdom' thread so that esential pieces of advice are chronicled for future generations.

Oh and in yer Da's honour I will deffinitley be spreading some of his wisdom around the barbeque tonight

Mr Magnolia · 03-04-2007 10:47am

Mahatma coat wrote:

Brilliant, ya know we should have a proper 'words of wisdom' thread so that esential pieces of advice are chronicled for future generations.

Oh and in yer Da's honour I will deffinitley be spreading some of his wisdom around the barbeque tonight

Secondededed

5 stars

/tilts glass of Jemmy.

trout · 04-04-2007 8:38am

#6 ... pa trout to motorist who fails to respond to green traffic light ... "are you waitin' for a colour you like ?"

#7 .... pa trout to startled motorist who fails to respond to green traffic light, and then cuts out in front of the troutmobile ... "did you get yer licence in a lucky bag ?"

#8 ... pa trout to startled motorist who has now completely flooded their engine "gerrout and milk the fuppin' thing!"

#9 ... pa trout on arriving home with a thirst "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal lobotomy"

trout · 10-04-2007 1:15pm

# 10 ... pa trout to trout junior who has just stopped a penalty kick with his junior trout nads, and is furiously trying to rub the eye watering pain away "never mind massagin' them son, count them!"

Zaph · 10-04-2007 1:19pm

Possibly the wisest words ever spoken. When will the book of Pa Troutisms be available Brother Trout?

MarkR · 10-04-2007 4:31pm

trout wrote:

Brothers ... today is the 18th anniversary of the passing of my old man, pa trout.

I would ask you to raise a virtual glass, for he was truly one of us ... (6 foot 2, 18 stone, massive girth, spear bald since the age of 21, could fart the intro's to many of the top 70's love songs ... you get the picture)

To give you a measure of the man, I would like to share some of the following memories

#1 ... pa trout, to junior trout on his rugby debut "remember son, prop's don't have to get there first, just get there the most".

#2 ... ma trout announcing she was going back to college, to study politics and feminist studies; "we're gonna sweep the country" she says ... pa trout replies "you can start with the kitchen"

#3 ... wedding anniversary card from pa trout to ma trout "10 years married today ... it's well for ya"

#4 ... on hearing about Guinness Lite pa trout announced " ah... it will be good for the hairdressers to have their own beer, and leave the Harp to the wimmin"

pa trout ... we hardly knew ye

Excellent stuff. Didn't think guiness lite *spit* was out for 18 years? Or perhaps the beer has fuddled the source.

*raises glass*

To Pa Trout - All things to all bald fat men.

trout · 11-04-2007 9:18am

MarkR wrote:

Didn't think guiness lite *spit* was out for 18 years?

Must be 20 years now ... that guinness lite one is from the mists of time.

this are a trip down memory lane. (or membry lane, as pa trout would have said)

FlutterinBantam · 11-04-2007 10:00am

Hmmm Pa Trout seems to have been a wise old Doob???

Did he ever say when an uncle gave you money"Aaah jaysus,you have a heart as big as a tea chest/church??"

trout · 11-04-2007 10:18am

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Did he ever say when an uncle gave you money"Aaah jaysus,you have a heart as big as a tea chest/church??"

i have one uncle, and he is an awful stingy miser altogether ... pa trout would say of him "he's that mean, if he was a ghost he wouldn't give you a fright".

brianthebard · 11-04-2007 8:58pm

trout wrote:

i have one uncle, and he is an awful stingy miser altogether ... pa trout would say of him "he's that mean, if he was a ghost he wouldn't give you a fright".

That's fantastic. pa trout for president!

trout · 13-04-2007 6:12pm

there was a cruel streak to pa trout also, especially if there were chips involved

#11 ... pa trout to anyone with chips on their plate "what the eye don't see ... the heart don't long for!"

at which point he would eat said chips ... regardless of volume, he could eat them all in milliseconds

this behaviour only stopped when i started stabbing him with my fork around age 7 or so

trout · 16-04-2007 2:53pm

#12 ... pa trout to anyone moaning minnies / negative people ... to the jaundiced eye all things are yellow

trout · 03-05-2007 5:43pm

Brothers ... pa trout appeared to me in a beer induced coma last night, and reminded me of another of his wise and pithy aphorisms...

#13 ... pa trout on observing a lost cause or any futile action "son, remember, ye just can't polish a turd"

AlmightyCushion · 03-05-2007 7:34pm

trout wrote:

#2 ... ma trout announcing she was going back to college, to study politics and feminist studies; "we're gonna sweep the country" she says ... pa trout replies "you can start with the kitchen"

That statement embodies everything we stand for. His wisdom knows no bounds.

trout · 24-05-2007 8:08am

#14 ... pa trout to anyone with a sob story or 'poor me' expression "if you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary ... between sh1t and syphilis"

that one came back to me yesterday, as I passed by the Clare Hall roundabout, to see a chap* selling newspapers. this chap has one good leg, and one that ends above the knee ... he theatrically rests the stump on the handle of his crutch, which as an attention getting device is very effective.:eek:

* at least I think it's a chap ... could also be a lady, if you've seen this person, you'll know why I am confused.

John Mason · 24-05-2007 11:21am

[QUOTE=trout

* at least I think it's a chap ... could also be a lady, if you seen this person, you'll know why I am confused.
[/QUOTE]

i know who you mean, after much pondering, i thought, it was a lady - i may be wrong but

trout · 11-06-2007 2:18pm

one from the archives, was reminded of this while watching Jet Li's Fearless over the weekend. (pa trout wasn't impressed by whipcord thin fitness fanatic martial artists, he preferred substance over style any day)

#15 ... pa trout observing a display of martial arts ... "that's all well and good son, but i'm tellin' ye now, one good kick in the bollix is worth all the kung fu in China"

words to live by

AlmightyCushion · 11-06-2007 4:26pm

[quote=trout "that's all well and good son, but i'm tellin' ye now, one good kick in the bollix is worth all the kung fu in China"

[/quote]

I'll have to remember that one. Pure fúcking genius

trout · 06-08-2007 3:01pm

some more timeless wisdom from the vaults ... enjoy:)

#16 ... pa trout, whenever he encountered the words "military intelligence" would roar out "Silence! when you speak to an officer" :rolleyes:

#17 ... pa trout, on observing a situation of bad luck would say "remember son, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the lamppost".

06-08-2007 6:25pm

Feckin brilliant stuff altogether, must take notes.:D

dubtom · 06-08-2007 9:05pm

trout wrote:

#14 ... pa trout to anyone with a sob story or 'poor me' expression "if you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary ... between sh1t and syphilis"

that one came back to me yesterday, as I passed by the Clare Hall roundabout, to see a chap* selling newspapers. this chap has one good leg, and one that ends above the knee ... he theatrically rests the stump on the handle of his crutch, which as an attention getting device is very effective.:eek:

* at least I think it's a chap ... could also be a lady, if you've seen this person, you'll know why I am confused.

I've seen eh...her, She's female but no lady

trout · 18-09-2007 2:30pm

Brothers & Sisters ... I hope you'll forgive me for dragging up an old thread ... but I feel this wisdom must be preserved for future generations.

#18 ... pa trout, on observing a person sweating profusely "jayziz ... he's sweatin' like a Hutu at a Tutsi wedding!"

#19 ... pa trout, on observing an ugly person (pronounced ug-a-ly) "Lookit yer man ... he's a face like a plate full of mortal sins".

#20 ... pa trout, on observing a woman with a hip-swaying walk "jayziz, she's like a bag full of bowling balls".

#21 ... pa trout, on observing someone making a supreme effort "he's shakin' like a goat sh1te-ing coke cans"

Dun laoire · 18-09-2007 3:25pm

Well done trout. Gave me a great laugh

Maple · 18-09-2007 3:46pm

trout wrote:

Brothers & Sisters ... I hope you'll forgive me for dragging up an old thread ... but I feel this wisdom must be preserved for future generations.

#18 ... pa trout, on observing a person sweating profusely "jayziz ... he's sweatin' like a Hutu at a Tutsi wedding!"

#19 ... pa trout, on observing an ugly person (pronounced ug-a-ly) "Lookit yer man ... he's a face like a plate full of mortal sins".

#20 ... pa trout, on observing a woman with a hip-swaying walk "jayziz, she's like a bag full of bowling balls".

#21 ... pa trout, on observing someone making a supreme effort "he's shakin' like a goat sh1te-ing coke cans"

LMAO. Great sayings. He sounds like a great man.

Slow Motion · 18-09-2007 4:00pm

trout wrote:

Brothers & Sisters ... I hope you'll forgive me for dragging up an old thread ... but I feel this wisdom must be preserved for future generations.

#18 ... pa trout, on observing a person sweating profusely "jayziz ... he's sweatin' like a Hutu at a Tutsi wedding!"

#19 ... pa trout, on observing an ugly person (pronounced ug-a-ly) "Lookit yer man ... he's a face like a plate full of mortal sins".

#20 ... pa trout, on observing a woman with a hip-swaying walk "jayziz, she's like a bag full of bowling balls".

#21 ... pa trout, on observing someone making a supreme effort "he's shakin' like a goat sh1te-ing coke cans"

All right I have resisted this as long as I can........

Do you refer to YORE MA as an oul' Trout ?

AlmightyCushion · 18-09-2007 4:08pm

trout wrote:

#21 ... pa trout, on observing someone making a supreme effort "he's shakin' like a goat sh1te-ing coke cans"

Pissing myself after reading that. Please keep them coming Trout.

trout · 18-09-2007 11:44pm

Slow Motion wrote:

All right I have resisted this as long as I can........

Do you refer to YORE MA as an oul' Trout ?

On my wedding day, my mother gave a long, humorous and heart-rending speech, in which she forgave me publicly for once calling her a "fat bitter twisted old trout" in a moment of anger ... the nickname has stuck to me ever since :rolleyes:

Still ... it could be worse ... a friend of mine is still known as "Gickpants", almost 20 years after one, just one, unfortunate sharting incident.

trout · 26-09-2007 5:17pm

I was reminded of this one today, during an hour long meeting with a sales "team" that really dragged on.

#22 ... pa trout, on observing a person talking horsesh1te "jayziz, that's some mouth on yer man, swinging between his two ears like a feckin' skippin' rope"

the raven · 26-09-2007 5:40pm

this is legendary stuff.. sounds like my pa and yore pa were cut from the same cloth...

trout · 26-10-2007 9:38am

a few more have occurred to me ... enjoy!

#23 ... pa trout, on a person uncomfortable in a social setting "poor fecker, he's like a hoor at a hockey match"

#23(a) ... pa trout, on ladies with 'cheap' perfume "the stench offa that, smells like a hoor at a hockey match"

#24 ... pa trout, when feeling hot and sweaty would declare "Jayziz, I'm as damp as the balls of John the Baptist ... and twice as wrinkled"

#25 ... pa trout, on someone with a high opinion of themselves "if he was made of chocolate, he'd eat himself"

#26 ... pa trout, on an unskilled snooker companion "couldn't track a bulls ar$e with a shovel"

#27 ... pa trout, on a devious person, or a bad brickie "fupper couldn't lay straight in bed"

#28 ... pa trout, on a really devious person "he's that crooked, they have to dismantle him to get him out the front door"

#29 ... pa trout, on observing a poorly plastered wall "jayziz, that's as crooked as a politician"

Pronunciation guide
Chocolate == choc-a-lit
Crooked == crook-it
hoor == hooo-urh

Jesus Wept · 26-10-2007 11:55am

He should've written a book.

smellslikeshoes · 26-10-2007 12:22pm

Its a shame that with all the political correctness in this day and age that we are missing out on the wisdom people like Pa trout has to offer.
Some very legendary stuff here

trout · 21-11-2007 10:45pm

#30 ... pa trout, on the topic of young men and holiday encounters with ladies who may not actually have been ladies "I don't see the problem lads ... sure a pair of lips is a pair of lips"

someothername · 22-11-2007 9:49am

a 5 star thread....

Pa Trout , i will have a drink in your honour today.

Jesus Wept · 01-12-2007 1:22am

I was reminded of this sage advice recently.

In life, it is essential to find a woman who is great in the kitchen...

It's essential to find a woman who is fantastic in bed...

It's essential to find woman who will be a great mother to your children....

But most of all, It's essential that none of these women ever meet each other!

My dad used to have a sign up in his pub that read:

'My best friend ran away with my wife ...... and I really miss him'

old boy · 01-12-2007 10:03pm

well done said old dunne when young dunne was born,
more power said old power when young power was born
the rest is forgotten in a nearly empty whiskey bottle

nice1franko · 04-12-2007 5:26pm

doubler post

nice1franko · 04-12-2007 5:27pm

This stuff is gold. Young trout, write it all down in your finest calligraphy, bound it in seasoned - but high quality - leather and write this on the front of it:

The Wit & Witicisms
- of -
Pa J. Trout

old boy · 05-12-2007 11:25pm

godbe with the days when i was young and wimmin were proud of me

trout · 22-12-2007 4:10pm

#31 ... when asked if he was busy, pa trout would reply "Jayziz ... I'm working like a hoors mouth here, so I am".

#32 ... observing a work-shy colleague, pa trout declared "Hmmph, if work was in bed, he'd sleep on the floor" *

*pronounced floe-err

trout · 07-02-2008 2:58pm

time for a few more methinks :cool:

#33 ... the morning after a good night out, pa trout would declare himself to have "a mouth on me like the bottom* of a budgies cage!"

#34 ... the morning after a very good night out, pa trout would declare himself to be "like a box a lego ... I'm in bits!"

#35 ... the morning after a really good night out, pa trout would declare himself to be "like a pile of manure ... I'm stinkin' ... and I'm in a heap!"

After such witticisms, it was ever pa trout's habit to say 'hwa hwa hwa' much like Dustin the turkey. Great days. Great days indeed.

* pronounced bor-rum

trout · 20-02-2008 2:20pm

pa trout was a large man ... picture Pavarotti walking on stage, or more accurately, Norm walking into Cheers. Lots of movement (all four cheeks and a couple of chins) but very little by way of actual progress.

Frequently, pa trout would move much slower than ma trout would like. At such times he would respond, patting his stomach for emphasis. On rare occasions, he would break wind for emphasis ... special days.

#36 ... on being told to hurry fuppin' up, pa trout would declare himself to be "built for comfort" pat pat "not for speed*"

*for reasons of irony ... this was always pronounced speeeeeeeeed

trout · 25-02-2008 4:23pm

#37 ... on loud and obnoxious persons .... pa trout would declare "jayziz ... he's mouth on him like the top of a wellington boot"

*For rale Dubs (like pa trout) the 'g' in wellington is, of course, silent :cool:

trout · 25-02-2008 5:09pm

a conversation with brother smashey reminded me of this one

#38 ... on the topic of getting kicked in the nuts .... pa trout would declare "a swift kick in the happysacks will stop a galloping horse "

trout · 06-03-2008 8:41pm

pa trout would go to great lengths to set-up ma trout, particularly on the topic of religion. ma trout is a great one for the Rosary, and would always have a drop of holy water in the handbag.

Where the Stephen's Green shopping centre now stands, there used to be a flea-market, where pa trout found an enormous statue of Buddha holding some fruit in his hands. This statue was made of resin, stood 4 foot tall and it weighed a ton (at least).

So, pa trout buys the statue, and drags it home ... he strapped it into the front seat of the car. When we got home, ma trout comes out to greet us, and spots the statue ... she opens the car door, and tries to lift it out.

"In the name of all that's sweet and holy. What's that?" she says ... "oof ... it's heavy, whatever it is"

to which pa trout replies, singing

#39 ... he ain't heavy ... he's my buddha

The Hill Billy · 07-03-2008 8:49am

trout wrote: »

to which pa trout replies, singing

#39 ... he ain't heavy ... he's my buddha

Brother trout - No disrespect to Pa, but that's coming close to jumping the shark.

The wit & wisdom of pa trout

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