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The wit & wisdom of pa trout

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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    All right I have resisted this as long as I can........

    Do you refer to YORE MA as an oul' Trout ? :D
    On my wedding day, my mother gave a long, humorous and heart-rending speech, in which she forgave me publicly for once calling her a "fat bitter twisted old trout" in a moment of anger ... the nickname has stuck to me ever since :rolleyes:

    Still ... it could be worse ... a friend of mine is still known as "Gickpants", almost 20 years after one, just one, unfortunate sharting incident.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    I was reminded of this one today, during an hour long meeting with a sales "team" that really dragged on.

    #22 ... pa trout, on observing a person talking horsesh1te "jayziz, that's some mouth on yer man, swinging between his two ears like a feckin' skippin' rope"


  • Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    this is legendary stuff.. sounds like my pa and yore pa were cut from the same cloth...


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    a few more have occurred to me ... enjoy!

    #23 ... pa trout, on a person uncomfortable in a social setting "poor fecker, he's like a hoor at a hockey match"

    #23(a) ... pa trout, on ladies with 'cheap' perfume "the stench offa that, smells like a hoor at a hockey match"

    #24 ... pa trout, when feeling hot and sweaty would declare "Jayziz, I'm as damp as the balls of John the Baptist ... and twice as wrinkled"

    #25 ... pa trout, on someone with a high opinion of themselves "if he was made of chocolate, he'd eat himself"

    #26 ... pa trout, on an unskilled snooker companion "couldn't track a bulls ar$e with a shovel"

    #27 ... pa trout, on a devious person, or a bad brickie "fupper couldn't lay straight in bed"

    #28 ... pa trout, on a really devious person "he's that crooked, they have to dismantle him to get him out the front door"

    #29 ... pa trout, on observing a poorly plastered wall "jayziz, that's as crooked as a politician"


    Pronunciation guide
    Chocolate == choc-a-lit
    Crooked == crook-it
    hoor == hooo-urh


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    He should've written a book. :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭smellslikeshoes


    Its a shame that with all the political correctness in this day and age that we are missing out on the wisdom people like Pa trout has to offer.
    Some very legendary stuff here


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    #30 ... pa trout, on the topic of young men and holiday encounters with ladies who may not actually have been ladies "I don't see the problem lads ... sure a pair of lips is a pair of lips"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 148 ✭✭someothername


    a 5 star thread....

    Pa Trout , i will have a drink in your honour today.


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    I was reminded of this sage advice recently.


    In life, it is essential to find a woman who is great in the kitchen...

    It's essential to find a woman who is fantastic in bed...

    It's essential to find woman who will be a great mother to your children....

    But most of all, It's essential that none of these women ever meet each other!



    My dad used to have a sign up in his pub that read:

    'My best friend ran away with my wife ...... and I really miss him'


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,658 ✭✭✭old boy


    well done said old dunne when young dunne was born,
    more power said old power when young power was born
    the rest is forgotten in a nearly empty whiskey bottle


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,300 ✭✭✭nice1franko


    doubler post


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,300 ✭✭✭nice1franko


    This stuff is gold. Young trout, write it all down in your finest calligraphy, bound it in seasoned - but high quality - leather and write this on the front of it:
    The Wit & Witicisms
    - of -
    Pa J. Trout


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,658 ✭✭✭old boy


    godbe with the days when i was young and wimmin were proud of me


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    #31 ... when asked if he was busy, pa trout would reply "Jayziz ... I'm working like a hoors mouth here, so I am".

    #32 ... observing a work-shy colleague, pa trout declared "Hmmph, if work was in bed, he'd sleep on the floor" *


    *pronounced floe-err


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    time for a few more methinks :cool:


    #33 ... the morning after a good night out, pa trout would declare himself to have "a mouth on me like the bottom* of a budgies cage!"

    #34 ... the morning after a very good night out, pa trout would declare himself to be "like a box a lego ... I'm in bits!"

    #35 ... the morning after a really good night out, pa trout would declare himself to be "like a pile of manure ... I'm stinkin' ... and I'm in a heap!"

    After such witticisms, it was ever pa trout's habit to say 'hwa hwa hwa' much like Dustin the turkey. Great days. Great days indeed. :)



    * pronounced bor-rum


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    pa trout was a large man ... picture Pavarotti walking on stage, or more accurately, Norm walking into Cheers. Lots of movement (all four cheeks and a couple of chins) but very little by way of actual progress.

    Frequently, pa trout would move much slower than ma trout would like. At such times he would respond, patting his stomach for emphasis. On rare occasions, he would break wind for emphasis ... special days.

    #36 ... on being told to hurry fuppin' up, pa trout would declare himself to be "built for comfort" pat pat "not for speed*"




    *for reasons of irony ... this was always pronounced speeeeeeeeed


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    #37 ... on loud and obnoxious persons .... pa trout would declare "jayziz ... he's mouth on him like the top of a wellington boot"






    *For rale Dubs (like pa trout) the 'g' in wellington is, of course, silent :cool:


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    a conversation with brother smashey reminded me of this one

    #38 ... on the topic of getting kicked in the nuts .... pa trout would declare "a swift kick in the happysacks will stop a galloping horse "


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    pa trout would go to great lengths to set-up ma trout, particularly on the topic of religion. ma trout is a great one for the Rosary, and would always have a drop of holy water in the handbag.

    Where the Stephen's Green shopping centre now stands, there used to be a flea-market, where pa trout found an enormous statue of Buddha holding some fruit in his hands. This statue was made of resin, stood 4 foot tall and it weighed a ton (at least).

    So, pa trout buys the statue, and drags it home ... he strapped it into the front seat of the car. When we got home, ma trout comes out to greet us, and spots the statue ... she opens the car door, and tries to lift it out.

    "In the name of all that's sweet and holy. What's that?" she says ... "oof ... it's heavy, whatever it is"

    to which pa trout replies, singing

    #39 ... he ain't heavy ... he's my buddha


  • Registered Users Posts: 22,756 ✭✭✭✭The Hill Billy


    trout wrote: »
    to which pa trout replies, singing

    #39 ... he ain't heavy ... he's my buddha

    Brother trout - No disrespect to Pa, but that's coming close to jumping the shark. :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    Hill Billy wrote: »
    Brother trout - No disrespect to Pa, but that's coming close to jumping the shark. :)

    Watch what yore saying ... true story ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    #40 ... the nomenclature of farts, according to pa trout

    1 fizz
    2 fuzz
    3 fuzzywuzz
    4 buzz
    5 ripsh1te
    6 teararse
    7 rattler

    1 to 4 are self-explantory, based on the sound involved.
    5 is most often heard just before the 'pace car' breaks free.
    6 refers to the those rare, awful expulsions which draw blood (:eek:) while number 7 refers to those monumental, once in a lifetime efforts which threaten the integrity of your window panes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,699 ✭✭✭Santa Claus


    My own dear father who thankfully is still with us once told me :
    "Women can either give erections or directions but never both"
    (obviously I would never stop to ask for directions but am not above asking for help with the other)

    He's also like Pa Trout a great fan of the swift kick to the bollix in any fight, which he refers to as a "Ringsend uppercut" :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    He's also like Pa Trout a great fan of the swift kick to the bollix in any fight, which he refers to as a "Ringsend uppercut" :)

    Not to be confused with the Ballyfermot Kiss, which is a head-butt :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    #41 pa trout was often hungry ... "jaysiz ... I'm that hungry, I could eat the leg off the Lamb of God"*











    *pronounced lammagod


  • Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 14,479 Mod ✭✭✭✭johnnyskeleton


    trout wrote: »
    Not to be confused with the Ballyfermot Kiss, which is a head-butt :rolleyes:

    Like a glasgow kiss, but wetter?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    Like a glasgow kiss, but wetter?

    Quite so. With more of a horsey smell to it, particularly if it happens near the Pine Tree.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 6,869 ✭✭✭Mahatma coat


    trout wrote: »
    #41 pa trout was often hungry ... "jaysiz ... I'm that hungry, I could eat the leg off the Lamb of God"*











    *pronounced lammagod

    and go back for the ewe :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭LouOB


    My next door neighbour 'crazy paved' the back garden

    My dad called them real 'physopaths'


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭trout


    Inspired by a combination of the fine weather, the Limerick thread, and some very dorty posts in the bar this afternoon ... I am moved to record some of the poetry pa trout was wont to recite.

    #42 The "Spring is Sprung" poem, recited when fine weather is noticed (but no ladies)

    Spring is sprung
    The grass is riz
    I wonder where
    The birdies is ?

    at which point pa trout would leer, looking for the ladies

    #43 The "Apples be Ripe" poem, recited in fine weather when ladies are noticed

    Apples be ripe
    nuts be brown
    petticoats up
    trousers down

    at which point pa trout would say "hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa"*



    *oh, he loved to laugh did pa trout


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