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What's the etiquette here??

1…3637394142…199

Comments

  • #1902
    Former Observer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    It's funny how life can throw you the odd 'curve ball' at you as the Americans like to say.

    As everyone in here will know, I gave birth to a real beauty earlier in the week. Twelve inches of thick, evenly distributed Irish beef that was still attached to my knot as its head touched down on the porcelain (don't forget I'm a stander), before sliding gracefully away towards his ancestoral home with not so much as a flush needed.

    Stunning sight to be fair. If I took my chite and attached it to the purse lips of any man in here they'd become a very proud father too.

    I'll admit I had a bit of a swagger that day in work, which carried through till yesterday morning.


    So yesterday I went to the jacks and I could not believe my eyes. I strained and squeezed, and all that popped out was a tiny, perfectly formed jelly bean of chite. Never seen the like before but assumed it was just the hors d'oeuvres, so I squeezed again and out pops other little jelly bean of chite, then another, then another, each pretty much exactly like the one that went before it: very smooth, opaque, like a broad bean or polished gemstone.

    I was thinking to myself what would happen if I tossed one out the window, would I wake up the next morning with a giant beansprout leading off into the firmament, and if so would I climb the phucking thing to see what was at the top.

    Honestly, I didn't like this at all. I've never thought of myself as a pellet dropper, and the idea of my pink hoop opening and closing around these perfectly formed little bean shaped pebbles with smooth skins and rounded bodies is something I find a bit disturbing.

    I was hoping for a "bigger bang for my buck" as the Americans like to say, and certainly I felt that I was owed some "Brownie points" from the birthing of my river monster the day prior.

    Anyway I was having a shower yesterday evening and what do you know, one of these little brown beans is sitting there on the shower floor, staring up at me. Lucky I didn't slip and break my neck.


  • #1903
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Looks as though it could be useful for some...

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=110729660&postcount=7440


  • #1904
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,809 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Former Observer wrote: »
    It's funny how life can throw you the odd 'curve ball' at you as the Americans like to say.

    As everyone in here will know, I gave birth to a real beauty earlier in the week. Twelve inches of thick, evenly distributed Irish beef that was still attached to my knot as its head touched down on the porcelain (don't forget I'm a stander), before sliding gracefully away towards his ancestoral home with not so much as a flush needed.

    Stunning sight to be fair. If I took my chite and attached it to the purse lips of any man in here they'd become a very proud father too.

    I'll admit I had a bit of a swagger that day in work, which carried through till yesterday morning.


    So yesterday I went to the jacks and I could not believe my eyes. I strained and squeezed, and all that popped out was a tiny, perfectly formed jelly bean of chite. Never seen the like before but assumed it was just the hors d'oeuvres, so I squeezed again and out pops other little jelly bean of chite, then another, then another, each pretty much exactly like the one that went before it: very smooth, opaque, like a broad bean or polished gemstone.

    I was thinking to myself what would happen if I tossed one out the window, would I wake up the next morning with a giant beansprout leading off into the firmament, and if so would I climb the phucking thing to see what was at the top.

    Honestly, I didn't like this at all. I've never thought of myself as a pellet dropper, and the idea of my pink hoop opening and closing around these perfectly formed little bean shaped pebbles with smooth skins and rounded bodies is something I find a bit disturbing.

    I was hoping for a "bigger bang for my buck" as the Americans like to say, and certainly I felt that I was owed some "Brownie points" from the birthing of my river monster the day prior.

    Anyway I was having a shower yesterday evening and what do you know, one of these little brown beans is sitting there on the shower floor, staring up at me. Lucky I didn't slip and break my neck.


    How did it get on the shower floor ?

    sharting in the shower ?


  • #1905
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,016 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    How did it get on the shower floor ?

    sharting in the shower ?

    Good questions, H.

    I’d be wondering what he “did” with it, would have to imagine he gave it the old “toe” down the drain.

    It’s the best method when dealing with anything of that “nature” on the shower floor. The “waffle stomp” only leads to a mess being made worse.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



  • #1906
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,809 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    Good questions, H.

    I’d be wondering what he “did” with it, would have to imagine he gave it the old “toe” down the drain.

    It’s the best method when dealing with anything of that “nature” on the shower floor. The “waffle stomp” only leads to a mess being made worse.

    CHRISSSTTT!!!
    That reminds me.....
    Was living back in my student days with this hippy tosser - 4 of us house sharing.
    There used to be a stench in the shower, anyway we assumed it was just normal drain smell and didn't do anything about it.

    Then one day he let slip that for environmental reasons he didn't clean his hole with toilet paper ......
    we didn't have a beeday (sp??)
    So the c*nt was cleaning his hole in the shower and letting the chite go down the drain.

    Vile animal.


    WAFFLE STOMP !!! :D:D ::D :D:D


  • #1907
    mfceiling
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,861 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.


  • #1908
    Bullocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Lads I've been diagnosed in a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.
    I tackle the heavy stuff with an electric razor first so your down to stubble and then have at it nice and handy with disposable razors. Bit of cold water when and talc when dried. You won't know yourself


  • #1909
    Leg End Reject
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,531 ✭✭✭✭Leg End Reject


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.

    Blow torch, douse your pubes with petrol first to ensure complete removal. Don't lift anything heavy after the surgery.
    https://forumofgames.com/index.php




  • #1910
    westgolf
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 ✭✭✭westgolf


    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.


  • #1911
    fuerte1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭fuerte1976


    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    There's an odd beour contributing to the upkeep of proper etiquette I think here too. Don't forget them...


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  • #1912
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,725 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    Just loosed a sour load of oily sludge into the club pan, in celebration.

    Bang of ‘blown’ mince off it.


  • #1913
    Bullocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    fuerte1976 wrote: »
    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe  two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    There's an odd beour contributing to the upkeep of proper etiquette I think here too. Don't forget them...
    Beours poop aswell , we couldn't forget that


  • #1914
    padd b1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,782 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    CHRISSSTTT!!!
    That reminds me.....
    Was living back in my student days with this hippy tosser - 4 of us house sharing.
    There used to be a stench in the shower, anyway we assumed it was just normal drain smell and didn't do anything about it.

    Then one day he let slip that for environmental reasons he didn't clean his hole with toilet paper ......
    we didn't have a beeday (sp??)
    So the c*nt was cleaning his hole in the shower and letting the chite go down the drain.

    Vile animal.


    WAFFLE STOMP !!! :D:D ::D :D:D

    Nowt vile about that.

    In certain circumstances it's the only viable option.


  • #1915
    Hal3000
    Closed Accounts Posts: 818 ✭✭✭Hal3000


    Italian guy living with us, he forget to flush yesterday and left a tremendous baige colured crap on exhibition in the head for all to marvel at. An artist at work I say, but the girls didn't seem impressed. I suppose it's how you interpret it.


  • #1916
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,725 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Hal3000 wrote: »
    Italian guy living with us, he forget to flush yesterday and left a tremendous baige colured crap on exhibition in the head for all to marvel at. An artist at work I say, but the girls didn't seem impressed. I suppose it's how you interpret it.

    The spaghetti tends to do that to you.


  • #1917
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,016 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    The spaghetti tends to do that to you.

    I had spaghetti this evening, B. Really done a “number” on me too. Was getting these “airy” hot farts so knew something wasn’t right. I think eating that big bag of peanut M&Ms was a mistake.

    Started to get some “contractions” but chose to ignore them. When push came to shove I had to run. Got settled and was preparing for the worst when out “popped” a solid turd, this was followed by three or four small round ones. Sounded like tumbling peeled potatoes into a basin. After that it was pure, foul, water. Just gushing out. Followed by long rasping farts, think those sounds they play on science shows that are billed as “strange” signals from space.

    Was finally ready to start the clean up, wasn’t pretty but got the job done. Nicely covered up, what had turned into a newly formed “cow pat”, and up I got.

    As soon as I was upright a properly sharp cramp put me right back on my seat. Out blew a loud, shítty, fart that gave the bowl a nice new coating of “pebble dash”, the stack white toilet paper really made it “pop” and I was back wiping again.

    I will, most certainly, be “lining” the jocks before bed tonight. No risks. Not after that last “scatter” blast, at one point it actually sounded like it was hissing at me. Really not what you need just before heading up to bed, B. Really not.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



  • #1918
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,725 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Terrible experience indeed, but at least you were ‘clen out’.

    Cold moist teabag on the hoop in the morning brings some recovery both in less stinging and less winnitry.


  • #1919
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,016 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Terrible experience indeed, but at least you were ‘clen out’.

    Cold moist teabag on the hoop in the morning brings some recovery both in less stinging and less winnitry.

    Could try it with a slice of cucumber next time.

    Well, my faith in life has been restored. I’m a new man. For obvious reasons I was on some tenterhooks about visiting “the loo”.

    Had some trouble “brewing” but held it on the clutch so I could watch Lowry win at the golf.

    Got in to the jacks, unloaded some perfect “specimens” and with minimal fuss was out the door.

    Feeling truly elated and “blessed” to be alive. Great way to see out the weekend and looking forward to whatever the week ahead has in store.

    Best of luck to everyone out there.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



  • #1920
    tgdaly
    Registered Users Posts: 942 ✭✭✭tgdaly


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    Could try it with a slice of cucumber next time.

    Well, my faith in life has been restored. I’m a new man. For obvious reasons I was on some tenterhooks about visiting “the loo”.

    Had some trouble “brewing” but held it on the clutch so I could watch Lowry win at the golf.

    Got in to the jacks, unloaded some perfect “specimens” and with minimal fuss was out the door.

    Feeling truly elated and “blessed” to be alive. Great way to see out the weekend and looking forward to whatever the week ahead has in store.

    Best of luck to everyone out there.

    Indeed, as a fellow Offaly man I have to say congratulations to Lowry on his win.

    There'll be some ****es dropped in Offaly tomorrow


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  • #1921
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    tgdaly wrote: »
    Indeed, as a fellow Offaly man I have to say congratulations to Lowry on his win.

    There'll be some ****es dropped in Offaly tomorrow
    Big wet porter ones


  • #1922
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

    Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

    One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

    Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.


  • #1923
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,809 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

    Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

    One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

    Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.

    Jaysus JF Helicopters to Portrush !
    The boom is well and truly back.

    So whats Kerry like, is it like the 51st state of the USA ?
    I am afraid to go back there to be honest ...


  • #1924
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Proud man myself this morning, and ne'r a helicopter in sight.

    A solid week of well, solid movements. It's like Xmas morning here however.

    I've just dispensed with a mighty specimin. It must have been 10 inches in length, without a word of a lie. I looked into the bottom of the pot, and it was identical to a butcher's counter roll of black pudding, doubled over on itself, and of similar girth. Best of all, minimal wipage required. Granted, i had to do the waddle of shame to get to the jacks, the baby was arriving breech, so out i flew with the odd squeak emerging from the cheek region. It's about the only time i move fast these days


  • #1925
    jem
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,036 ✭✭✭jem


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.

    First of all be very careful
    Nice bath
    and take your time
    New razor
    Trim then shave
    slow is good.
    Rush is bad


  • #1926
    fuerte1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭fuerte1976


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

    Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

    One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

    Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.

    Jaysus JF Helicopters to Portrush !
    The boom is well and truly back.

    So whats Kerry like, is it like the 51st state of the USA ?
    I am afraid to go back there to be honest ...

    I can assure you WITH prejudice, that Kerry is magnificent..


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  • #1927
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,809 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    fuerte1976 wrote: »
    I can assure you WITH prejudice, that Kerry is magnificent..

    It is, I used to go every year as a kid, and they were the best holidays of my life!
    I remember lots of space, I am terrified of going there to find buses after buses after buses and every bit of coastline swamped by fat americans with selfie sticks.

    Think I'll wait for the next financial crash to go.

    Anyway, back on topic - some f*cker left a floater the size of a bowling bawl in trap #2 this morning, no excuses, how can one not notice ???


  • #1928
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,725 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    It is, I used to go every year as a kid, and they were the best holidays of my life!
    I remember lots of space, I am terrified of going there to find buses after buses after buses and every bit of coastline swamped by fat americans with selfie sticks.

    Think I'll wait for the next financial crash to go.

    Anyway, back on topic - some f*cker left a floater the size of a bowling bawl in trap #2 this morning, no excuses, how can one not notice ???

    Like a Labradors head ,was it?


  • #1929
    Obrieski
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Obrieski


    What do the members of this fine forum thread make of men openly farting whilst doing their business at the urinal?

    Lad in work with me, you know the type: IT nerd, mid 40s, rotund, big rosy cheeks, sweaty hoor, literally has worn the same shirt everyday for the past 2 months (Wouldn't usually notice this on other people but have had my eye on this guy due to his toilet etiquette) etc etc!

    Twice now have had the unfortunate timing to be in the bathroom at the same time, myself at urinal 1 and him at number 3 - no issues, proper etiquette being observed if slightly uncomfortable.

    **Now before I go on, I must stress, we don't have any hand dryer in our toilets, just tissue dispensers so no opportunity to attempt to 'mask' unpleasant sounds.**

    Anyway, as I said, on 2 separate occasions, this filthy kernt has let off long, loud, smelly arse blasts and not even a murmur of apology or even a little chuckle or cheeky comment. Stone silence.
    Once I can forgive, but twice...absolutely no need. Walk by this lad out on the office floor at least 10 times a day, I can't look him in the eye anymore.

    I'm also aware that whilst emptying the urethra, the rear muscles can 'loosen', but for me, in work, this is unforgivable.


  • #1930
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Unforgivable. Happens all the time in my place of work too.

    I usually let out a big sigh followed by 3 good loud "tuts" to voice my disapproval. That doesn't be long puckering the pipe on these chancers.


  • #1931
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Obrieski wrote: »
    What do the members of this fine forum thread make of men openly farting whilst doing their business at the urinal?

    Lad in work with me, you know the type: IT nerd, mid 40s, rotund, big rosy cheeks, sweaty hoor, literally has worn the same shirt everyday for the past 2 months (Wouldn't usually notice this on other people but have had my eye on this guy due to his toilet etiquette) etc etc!

    Twice now have had the unfortunate timing to be in the bathroom at the same time, myself at urinal 1 and him at number 3 - no issues, proper etiquette being observed if slightly uncomfortable.

    **Now before I go on, I must stress, we don't have any hand dryer in our toilets, just tissue dispensers so no opportunity to attempt to 'mask' unpleasant sounds.**

    Anyway, as I said, on 2 separate occasions, this filthy kernt has let off long, loud, smelly arse blasts and not even a murmur of apology or even a little chuckle or cheeky comment. Stone silence.
    Once I can forgive, but twice...absolutely no need. Walk by this lad out on the office floor at least 10 times a day, I can't look him in the eye anymore.

    I'm also aware that whilst emptying the urethra, the rear muscles can 'loosen', but for me, in work, this is unforgivable.

    What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

    If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

    A grey area that is worthy of further debate.


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  • #1932
    Aglomerado
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,780 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

    If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

    A grey area that is worthy of further debate.

    At least in the wimmins' jacks we have the anonymity of stalls if we let one rip... we just wait for any other occupants to leave before emerging so as to conceal our identities.


  • #1933
    Former Observer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Oh lads I'm in a bad way. Had a can of bachelor beans with half a bulb of garlic chopped in last night and some chilli thrown in too, along with eight bottles of Guinness Foreign Extra. My stomach is convulsing, and warm, putrid farts are building up one after the other. I feel like there is a rope running through my bowels being slowly twisted. I've had to leave my desk a couple of times already and it is manky, depressing, stinking, swampy stuff. Black slime with what looks like soggy half eaten cheerios floating beneath the surface (I don't eat Cheerios). Not a happy man and I can feel it twitching now again.


  • #1934
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Former Observer wrote: »
    Oh lads I'm in a bad way. Had a can of bachelor beans with half a bulb of garlic chopped in last night and some chilli thrown in too, along with eight bottles of Guinness Foreign Extra. My stomach is convulsing, and warm, putrid farts are building up one after the other. I feel like there is a rope running through my bowels being slowly twisted. I've had to leave my desk a couple of times already and it is manky, depressing, stinking, swampy stuff. Black slime with what looks like soggy half eaten cheerios floating beneath the surface (I don't eat Cheerios). Not a happy man and I can feel it twitching now again.

    Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

    Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too. :D


  • #1935
    Aglomerado
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,780 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

    Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too. :D

    I'd say his hoop is glowing in the dark after that lot. It could guide ships into port.


  • #1936
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Aglomerado wrote: »
    I'd say his hoop is glowing in the dark after that lot. It could guide ships into port.

    An interesting concoction. His guts must have been bubbling like a fcuking witches cauldron.


  • #1937
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

    Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too. :D

    Poor bastard probably ate the beans out of the can while sitting on a mouldy couch in a cold-water bedsit.


  • #1938
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Poor bastard probably ate the beans out of the can while sitting on a mouldy couch in a cold-water bedsit.

    Heated up on a single ring hob and wearing a damp duffel coat.


  • #1939
    Obrieski
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Obrieski


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

    If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

    A grey area that is worthy of further debate.

    As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us


  • #1940
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Obrieski wrote: »
    As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

    And not even a bit of witty banter to break the tension? You should have told him you'd cork his big hole for him the next time. I'd say there were skidders left in the jocks that were reminisant of Sega Rally's dirt track on the PS3 back in the day


  • #1941
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Obrieski wrote: »
    As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

    I thought we lived in an apparently civil society until I heard this.

    Shocking behaviour.


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  • #1942
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    I thought we lived in an apparently civil society until I heard this.

    Shocking behaviour.

    Why? If I was at urinal 1 and someone is at urinal 3 then there’s absolutely no issue with letting a fücking ripper go. Certainly better than making small talk about ‘the football’.


  • #1943
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Why? If I was at urinal 1 and someone is at urinal 3 then there’s absolutely no issue with letting a fücking ripper go. Certainly better than making small talk about ‘the football’.

    The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

    It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'


  • #1944
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

    It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'

    This is the correct course of action.

    Christ, even a " Better out than in" would suffice. No need to even get inventive. But dropping the guts into the slacks, and saying nothing? An animal wouldn't do it, you'd at least get a baa or a moo, or a woof woof


  • #1945
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Utter Consternation wrote: »
    The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

    It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'

    I would have taken that as a given, UC. A witty follow up to a good loud fart is a comedy classic.


  • #1946
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    I would have taken that as a given, UC. A witty follow up to a good loud fart is a comedy classic.

    Ass-umptions make an ass of u and me, JF.


  • #1947
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.


  • #1948
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

    Jesus Christ, that’s disgraceful. Is she from a contract agency? Escalate this immediately, and hopefully she’ll be immediately dismissed. Just not good enough.


  • #1949
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Deleted User wrote: »
    A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

    Very disrespectful. No one needs to be fcuking foot jousting with a wet mop when they're dropping off a load.

    That is simply not on.

    I'd be putting pen to paper and writing a strongly worded letter.


  • #1950
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Jesus Christ, that’s disgraceful. Is she from a contract agency? Escalate this immediately, and hopefully she’ll be immediately dismissed. Just not good enough.
    I think retribution would be a more deserving course of action. Find out her cleaning schedule. Stock up on bachelor beans and bottles of stout.


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  • #1951
    Utter Consternation
    Registered Users Posts: 928 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    armaghlad wrote: »
    I think retribution would be a more deserving course of action. Find out her cleaning schedule. Stock up on bachelor beans and bottles of stout.

    Sounds like the MO of FO.


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