No communication between dates - how do I ask if he likes me

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 1:58am #1

I feels silly posting this first and foremost...as a grown woman! I think I know the advice I am going to hear and I welcome it...I think I need to hear it.
I have been seeing a guy for 3 weeks - but just 4 dates where we’ve generously watched movies and talked etc. so I don’t know him that well. After every date apart from the usual thanks had a good time - there is pretty much radio silence.
He will respond very quickly when I text, but never enough to engage in conversation.
I am starting to like him but I am worried he is not really interested in me and just wants sex out of the situation so I’d like to cut things off if that’s the case before I get to really like him, and so I can get back ‘hunting’ so to speak.

I suppose what I should do is next time he asks me out (if he does) is just say something like - ‘hey, I’d like to see you again but as I’ve said I’m looking for a relationship so I’d like to only see you again if you are interested in getting to know each other more and seeing each other more often.’

Would that be okay to say? Will I come across as needy and anxious? I guess I have nothing to lose! Experience tells me when a guy likes you he doesn’t leave you wondering...he lets you know.
So I don’t know why I am posting - but maybe if somebody can offer the best way to ask him if he likes me so it sounds pretty casual/normal - that might help? Thanks in advance! Or maybe I shouldn’t ask, maybe just tell him it’s not working out?

Surreptitious · 06-03-2021 2:00am

It's only been three weeks which is not long. I'd leave it another while and watch his pattern of behaviour.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 2:04am

Surreptitious wrote: »

It's only been three weeks which is not long. I'd leave it another while and watch his pattern of behaviour.

Thanks. Perhaps it is too soon to be asking such a question - I just hate being in the does he/doesn’t he like me zone.

Surreptitious · 06-03-2021 2:08am

YellowLead wrote: »

Thanks. Perhaps it is too soon to be asking such a question - I just hate being in the does he/doesn’t he like me zone.

That's the whole thrill of the case as it were. Getting to know the other person initially. He obviously has interest or he wouldn't meet you at all. This is also a tough time to be dating, he may be out of work or under stress. I'd give it another while and count yourself blessed you were even able to meet up with current restrictions. Best of luck!

Princess Calla · 06-03-2021 2:21am

Infairness 4 dates in 3 weeks during a lockdown isn't bad going

Some guys really hate texting and getting into the back and forth conversation pings.

Personally for me a physical meet up is way more important than a penpal. But I do get that it's nice to know that they are thinking about you.

Give it another few weeks, it really is early days in the grand scheme of things.

Porklife · 06-03-2021 2:28am

Hi Yellow...I completely understand where you're coming from. I both love and hate the early stages of a budding relationship. Do you remember as a kid picking a daisy saying he loves me/he loves me not..its a bit like that

It can be exciting but it also leads to over thinking which can ruin the magic.
I agree with Surreptitious that it's too early to show your hand.
Think about it.. you've been on a few dates and youre starting to like him. Imagine if he sent you a message asking if you're serious or not and pushing your boundaries. If anything it would make you run away i imagine, despite liking him.
You give really good advice on here all the time. Read your message as if it was written by somebody else. I think you'll find your answer then:) x

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 2:32am

Thanks Porklife....it’s so much harder to take our own advice though right

I’m clearly being impatient - I’ve just never encountered somebody who didn’t text at all between dates. Maybe in time...and if not then I have my answer. No point in killing it too soon. It’s not like there aren’t other fish in that sea out there.

Theman343 · 06-03-2021 2:37am

Put out the feelers anyways no harm in letting him know your not just up for a wham bam thank you mam..The radio silence I wouldnt worry about he might just be shy and will come out of his shell. Most of all trust your gut feeling.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 2:41am

Theman343 wrote: »

Put out the feelers anyways no harm in letting him know your not just up for a wham bam thank you mam..The radio silence I wouldnt worry about he might just be shy and will come out of his shell. Most of all trust your gut feeling.

Gut feeling vs paranoia - easier to spot which is which in other people than in yourself I think!
I told him from the get go I wasn’t up for casual. And he’s not a shy kind of guy.
To be fair I do like to be a bit cautious myself and am deffo not into all day texting early on so if he’s the same I can appreciate that - I’m just afraid of being used.

The DayDream · 06-03-2021 3:30am

Why do you think he would be so distant in between dates?

Well, aside from the fact it's obviously working, as you want him even more now. d'oh!

And aside from the fact that it sends a very clear message not to start thinking we're a cutesy couple. Which unfortunately isn't working, since you want to cuff him now already after a few dates. But that doesn't matter to him really, he has you on the hook. I think PUA stuff is gross but if you're any ways aware of it this is basic playbook stuff, ESPECIALLY vs. a girl who says she 'doesn't want casual.'

He knows you don't want casual, so the only way to get you to sleep with him is make you think maybe there could be potential for a relationship, and make you think he's so high value you have to earn his attention - and he can't shag a text so they aren't worth the effort.

Being distant between these initial dates means a) you want him more and are more likely to jump to see him or contact him when he wants, and b) sets you up to be a booty call who doesn't expect any extra coupley stuff in between riding sessions

Go ahead and say the thing about wanting the relationship. He'll run a mile most likely or stall with some excuse to string you along further. He's not looking for anything serious. He's either being a bit of a player and you're just one option in his rotation or worse, he's actually in a relationship with someone else already.

Since you like him, I hope I'm totally wrong about all that. And I could be. Because the other side of it is women are often turned off by guys who are 'too keen' so if you've been dating for a while as a guy experience will teach you to avoid coming off like that like the plague - especially with Irish women. They can be quick to label guys as saddos, creeps, etc for having the audacity to send two texts in a row (omg he double texted, what a sap! Etc). I think it's because we as a people are conditioned not to ever think we're anything great or to really love or even like ourselves, so someone liking us too much weirds us out.

bitofabind · 06-03-2021 9:27am

I think knowing what you need and managing your own expectations are critical in dating these days.

The first one keeps you immune to abandoning yourself because you’re more worried about what “others” / “he” thinks than what you’re actually going to need from a partner in a long run. Personally, regular communication and a “hi, how are you?” would be pretty normal if I’m looking at someone as potential partner and a lack of that would warrant a conversation. Doesn’t have to be a full blown “I’m looking for a husband and am concerned at your lack of texting”, I guess I’d just be curious and trying to suss it out. “You’re not much of a texter, are you?” “Is that kind of communication important to you?”

The second, well, it’s been three weeks. You’re not going to die if this man isn’t in your life. He might be someone meaningful, he might not be, far too early to tell and you’re a complete and whole and worthy person with your own life to live regardless of what he does. Dating from that perspective is always more peaceful and chilled because it promotes a “wait and see” approach. When you’re single and dating you’ll meet all types and can’t control anyone’s behaviour. If you like someone, great, but you’ve a lot left to learn about them so just wait and see. Don’t do the future fantasies and the life planning and the “what if”, it’s only been a few dates.

If this was me, I’d probably ask a few questions similar to above to gauge things and then just wait and see. Things might progress or change or you might feel differently about him in another 3 weeks. You don’t know this man yet. Ask some questions and trust your instincts.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 9:33am

The DayDream wrote: »

And aside from the fact that it sends a very clear message not to start thinking we're a cutesy couple. Which unfortunately isn't working, since you want to cuff him now already after a few dates.

Being distant between these initial dates means a) you want him more and are more likely to jump to see him or contact him when he wants, and b) sets you up to be a booty call who doesn't expect any extra coupley stuff in between riding sessions.

Go ahead and say the thing about wanting the relationship.

Since you like him, I hope I'm totally wrong about all that. And I could be. Because the other side of it is women are often turned off by guys who are 'too keen' so if you've been dating for a while as a guy experience will teach you to avoid coming off like that like the plague - especially with Irish women. They can be quick to label guys as saddos, creeps, etc for having the audacity to send two texts in a row (omg he double texted, what a sap! Etc).

It’s not that I’m trying to lock him into a relationship right away, not at all. Too soon to determine such compatibility. What I want to avoid is the scenario you described, the ‘playbook’ stuff. If he’s being distant because it’s too soon and decides, or I decide, a few more dates in it’s not worth pursuing that’s totally cool. But I’d like to think both parties are spending time on the dates because they are interested in getting to know the other person and like what they see so far, rather than for one it’s just a means to a ‘sex’ end.

Our dates are always arranged a good while in advance, I wouldn’t be into short notice stuff. But agree with your point b - that could be very likely

Not going to say I want a relationship and if that’s how my draft wording sounds then I need to do some re-drafting!

You are correct if somebody was texting excessively I’d either think they were too into me too soon or were playing a game. But a little bit of back and forth is what I generally experience and hence the lack of that has me wondering.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 9:52am

bitofabind wrote: »

The second, well, it’s been three weeks. You’re not going to die if this man isn’t in your life. He might be someone meaningful, he might not be, far too early to tell and you’re a complete and whole and worthy person with your own life to live regardless of what he does. Dating from that perspective is always more peaceful and chilled because it promotes a “wait and see” approach. When you’re single and dating you’ll meet all types and can’t control anyone’s behaviour. If you like someone, great, but you’ve a lot left to learn about them so just wait and see. Don’t do the future fantasies and the life planning and the “what if”, it’s only been a few weeks.

Thanks BoaB. Completely agree it’s early - if he ended it tomorrow I would not be remotely upset and would relish the thought of unpausing all my profiles and meeting more new people, I’m not invested or attached. I might get a little bit though if things were too continue for months.

I guess it’s the thought of being used (merely because I’d rather spend time with somebody who is enjoying me for me rather than I’m any old girl and just there for a ride, and I don’t want to waste time with the latter) that bothers me and I’m trying to mitigate against that. Thankfully it’s not the norm and I’ve made some great friends via online dating and had some nice encounters that ended just because it wasn’t meant to be on either side.
But trying to mitigate against being used is not possible and you have highlighted that for me. It’s silly to think you can control for situations, you just have to wait and see (and try and ignore the extra years piling up on the clock lol)

Big Bag of Chips · 06-03-2021 10:01am

Have you had sex with him? Do you think he sees this as a hook up, rather than a potential relationship? I'll be honest, I don't see anything wrong with the wording of your message in your first post. If this is turning into a hook up, and that's not what you're after of course you should speak up.

What's the alternative? Feel like this now, say nothing, and then 3-4 months down the line when it's still bothering you, bring it up and have him say he didn't know it was an issue!

It's early days, yes. But you don't have to sit demurely by waiting for him to make a decision. I think early days is a good time. You lay out what you're hoping for. He either agrees with you or doesn't. If he doesn't you both walk away completely unscathed and give yourselves the opportunity to find what you ARE looking for!

Gruffalux · 06-03-2021 10:21am

I am old fashioned or out of touch with how stuff goes down these days. But if I had sex with a guy 3 or 4 times in the past 3 weeks and he was not dropping a text or a quick call the odd time in between sessions I would feel not so hot about him. Christ my boss phones me almost everyday just to catch up and have a little chat and a laugh, even though he does not need to as I work independantly. He does it out of comradeship and goodness. I would ask at least for even a fraction as much from someone I was shagging weekly to be honest.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 10:21am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you had sex with him? Do you think he sees this as a hook up, rather than a potential relationship? I'll be honest, I don't see anything wrong with the wording of your message in your first post. If this is turning into a hook up, and that's not what you're after of course you should speak up.

What's the alternative? Feel like this now, say nothing, and then 3-4 months down the line when it's still bothering you, bring it up and have him say he didn't know it was an issue!

It's early days, yes. But you don't have to sit demurely by waiting for him to make a decision. I think early days is a good time. You lay out what you're hoping for. He either agrees with you or doesn't. If he doesn't you both walk away completely unscathed and give yourselves the opportunity to find what you ARE looking for!

Exactly to your point - I don’t want to wait for months to find out we are on different pages. Thanks for the vote of confidence on the wording - good to know. I think what I might do, as I’m uncertain and some people are saying it’s too early to say anything and others are saying do say something, is to wait maybe another week or so. Is it better to ask in person or via text I wonder. I would say in person but that might put him on the spot.

And yes, we have slept together. I don’t agree (for me, happy for others to have their own rules for themselves of course) with holding off on sex for weeks and weeks - it just prolongs the whole thing if sex is what he is after he’ll still wait. If I am attracted to somebody and I’m in the mood then I go right ahead and get what I want. But only if I like the person, I couldn’t have sex with somebody I wasn’t attracted to physically and mentally. It’s different for some people I suppose they will ride anybody just for the pleasure of it all even if they don’t respect that person. I would feel as miffed at the idea of somebody using me for dinners etc, I don’t place a high value on sex - more so my time.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 10:29am

Gruffalux wrote: »

I am old fashioned or out of touch with how stuff goes down these days. But if I had sex with a guy 3 or 4 times in the past 3 weeks and he was not dropping a text or a quick call the odd time in between sessions I would feel not so hot about him. Christ my boss phones me almost everyday just to catch up and have a little chat and a laugh, even though he does not need to as I work independantly. He does it out of comradeship and goodness. I would ask at least for even a fraction as much from someone I was shagging weekly to be honest.

I hear you. And maybe I am being naive - and that is why I came for advice.

I do get the odd text from him every few days, but never much of a conversation.

I guess I should say something.

Big Bag of Chips · 06-03-2021 10:29am

The sex itself isn't the issue. If you are two consenting adults.

The issue is, as you are questioning, is it just sex. And I think you are perfectly entitled to ask that question.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 10:35am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The sex itself isn't the issue. If you are two consenting adults.

The issue is, as you are questioning, is it just sex. And I think you are perfectly entitled to ask that question.

That’s it precisely. If that’s all it was I might continue to see him as he’s fun to spend time with but I’d unpause my apps and continue looking and then stop as soon as I found somebody else.

bitofabind · 06-03-2021 11:01am

I think it’s a good exercise in asserting yourself in that case. Like asking for a pay rise at work. A bit scary, but entirely necessary to get what you want and deserve. Listen if a simple “what are your thoughts on how this is progressing?” etc is going to scare a dude off you’re barking up the wrong tree in the first place.

tara73 · 06-03-2021 12:04pm

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

Chawosfski · 06-03-2021 12:06pm

tara73 wrote: »

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

Sounds about right

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 12:15pm

tara73 wrote: »

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

That’s probably true. And thank you. But just to clarify I wouldn’t ‘blame’ him at all!

That’s not what this is about.

tara73 · 06-03-2021 12:20pm

YellowLead wrote: »

That’s probably true. But just to clarify I wouldn’t ‘blame’ him at all! That’s not what this is about.

wasn't directed personally at you, I don't know you at all. just stating the general tactic of this lame game, not the first time there's a thread with pretty similar question about this here:)

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 12:23pm

tara73 wrote: »

wasn't directed personally at you, I don't know you at all. just stating the general tactic of this lame game, not the first time there's a thread with pretty similar question about this here:)

Oh sorry! I miss read

TheadoreT · 06-03-2021 12:31pm

Is this the dog guy you went on a mountain first date with that went well? Has he asked you on any other outdoor dates or is it all pop round mine for netflix and ... now?

I dunno i always class myself as not much of a texter in general but in best relationships you tend to not be able to get enough of each other in early days and would text silly things a lot. And in situations I'd be less bothered by I would generally be similar to what this guy is being with you.

And please don't use the term hunting , even in quote marks lol.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 12:52pm

TheadoreT wrote: »

Is this the dog guy you went on a mountain first date with that went well? Has he asked you on any other outdoor dates or is it all pop round mine for netflix and ... now?

I dunno i always class myself as not much of a texter in general but in best relationships you tend to not be able to get enough of each other in early days and would text silly things a lot. And in situations I'd be less bothered by I would generally be similar to what this guy is being with you.

And please don't use the term hunting , even in quote marks lol.

No, it’s not that guy

He was lovely but we were better suited as friends which became apparent to me after about 5 dates (all walks), and still are. There was no passion.

I agree, the lack of messages is probably a big huge sign - I just didn’t want to go down the road of being paranoid unnecessarily but I guess this one is pretty clear!

TP_CM · 06-03-2021 1:02pm

Just from this guy's perspective, I was good at texting until I was about 27 or 28. Then I became completely useless. I've been told my tone is off sometimes when I genuinely don't mean it to be. I can be very blunt, and I'm not into emojis. Text for me is slightly above email and faxing so I just don't dress it up and a lot of days I would even go as far as saying I really dislike it.

But my actions were always clear cut and never confusing. If I liked a girl, I would show it by keeping my house clean for whenever she came over. Making her favourite food. If she was from a wine country then maybe I'd get wine from her local region/town. That sort of thing. I suppose we all express our interest in different ways and you need to figure out what way he shows his interest.

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 1:38pm

TP_CM wrote: »

Just from this guy's perspective, I was good at texting until I was about 27 or 28. Then I became completely useless. I've been told my tone is off sometimes when I genuinely don't mean it to be. I can be very blunt, and I'm not into emojis. Text for me is slightly above email and faxing so I just don't dress it up and a lot of days I would even go as far as saying I really dislike it.

But my actions were always clear cut and never confusing. If I liked a girl, I would show it by keeping my house clean for whenever she came over. Making her favourite food. If she was from a wine country then maybe I'd get wine from her local region/town. That sort of thing. I suppose we all express our interest in different ways and you need to figure out what way he shows his interest.

Interesting and thanks for sharing.
Yeah he place is always spotless - so much so the first time I saw it I thought oh he must want to impress me. And yeah he makes an effort with food and drink etc etc. But I still feel somebody could do all that and still be in it just for the sex.

Guess I’ll have to wait and see//ask

Chawosfski · 06-03-2021 2:22pm

I don't like texting either but as tara pointed out you would text something basic like

'Enjoyed the date , see you soon'

If they wanted more than sex when it suits

YellowLead · 06-03-2021 2:47pm

Chawosfski wrote: »

I don't like texting either but as tara pointed out you would text something basic like

'Enjoyed the date , see you soon'

If they wanted more than sex when it suits

Oh I do get that after the date - for sure. Had a great time etc. Just not much in the following days before the next.

No communication between dates - how do I ask if he likes me

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