No communication between dates - how do I ask if he likes me

YellowLead

I feels silly posting this first and foremost...as a grown woman! I think I know the advice I am going to hear and I welcome it...I think I need to hear it.
I have been seeing a guy for 3 weeks - but just 4 dates where we’ve generously watched movies and talked etc. so I don’t know him that well. After every date apart from the usual thanks had a good time - there is pretty much radio silence.
He will respond very quickly when I text, but never enough to engage in conversation.
I am starting to like him but I am worried he is not really interested in me and just wants sex out of the situation so I’d like to cut things off if that’s the case before I get to really like him, and so I can get back ‘hunting’ so to speak.

I suppose what I should do is next time he asks me out (if he does) is just say something like - ‘hey, I’d like to see you again but as I’ve said I’m looking for a relationship so I’d like to only see you again if you are interested in getting to know each other more and seeing each other more often.’

Would that be okay to say? Will I come across as needy and anxious? I guess I have nothing to lose! Experience tells me when a guy likes you he doesn’t leave you wondering...he lets you know.
So I don’t know why I am posting - but maybe if somebody can offer the best way to ask him if he likes me so it sounds pretty casual/normal - that might help? Thanks in advance! Or maybe I shouldn’t ask, maybe just tell him it’s not working out?

Surreptitious

It's only been three weeks which is not long. I'd leave it another while and watch his pattern of behaviour.

YellowLead

Surreptitious wrote: »

It's only been three weeks which is not long. I'd leave it another while and watch his pattern of behaviour.

Thanks. Perhaps it is too soon to be asking such a question - I just hate being in the does he/doesn’t he like me zone.

Surreptitious

YellowLead wrote: »

Thanks. Perhaps it is too soon to be asking such a question - I just hate being in the does he/doesn’t he like me zone.

That's the whole thrill of the case as it were. Getting to know the other person initially. He obviously has interest or he wouldn't meet you at all. This is also a tough time to be dating, he may be out of work or under stress. I'd give it another while and count yourself blessed you were even able to meet up with current restrictions. Best of luck!

Princess Calla

Infairness 4 dates in 3 weeks during a lockdown isn't bad going

Some guys really hate texting and getting into the back and forth conversation pings.

Personally for me a physical meet up is way more important than a penpal. But I do get that it's nice to know that they are thinking about you.

Give it another few weeks, it really is early days in the grand scheme of things.

Porklife

Hi Yellow...I completely understand where you're coming from. I both love and hate the early stages of a budding relationship. Do you remember as a kid picking a daisy saying he loves me/he loves me not..its a bit like that
It can be exciting but it also leads to over thinking which can ruin the magic.
I agree with Surreptitious that it's too early to show your hand.
Think about it.. you've been on a few dates and youre starting to like him. Imagine if he sent you a message asking if you're serious or not and pushing your boundaries. If anything it would make you run away i imagine, despite liking him.
You give really good advice on here all the time. Read your message as if it was written by somebody else. I think you'll find your answer then:) x

YellowLead

Thanks Porklife....it’s so much harder to take our own advice though right

I’m clearly being impatient - I’ve just never encountered somebody who didn’t text at all between dates. Maybe in time...and if not then I have my answer. No point in killing it too soon. It’s not like there aren’t other fish in that sea out there.

Theman343

Put out the feelers anyways no harm in letting him know your not just up for a wham bam thank you mam..The radio silence I wouldnt worry about he might just be shy and will come out of his shell. Most of all trust your gut feeling.

YellowLead

Theman343 wrote: »

Put out the feelers anyways no harm in letting him know your not just up for a wham bam thank you mam..The radio silence I wouldnt worry about he might just be shy and will come out of his shell. Most of all trust your gut feeling.

Gut feeling vs paranoia - easier to spot which is which in other people than in yourself I think!
I told him from the get go I wasn’t up for casual. And he’s not a shy kind of guy.
To be fair I do like to be a bit cautious myself and am deffo not into all day texting early on so if he’s the same I can appreciate that - I’m just afraid of being used.

The DayDream

Why do you think he would be so distant in between dates?

Well, aside from the fact it's obviously working, as you want him even more now. d'oh!

And aside from the fact that it sends a very clear message not to start thinking we're a cutesy couple. Which unfortunately isn't working, since you want to cuff him now already after a few dates. But that doesn't matter to him really, he has you on the hook. I think PUA stuff is gross but if you're any ways aware of it this is basic playbook stuff, ESPECIALLY vs. a girl who says she 'doesn't want casual.'

He knows you don't want casual, so the only way to get you to sleep with him is make you think maybe there could be potential for a relationship, and make you think he's so high value you have to earn his attention - and he can't shag a text so they aren't worth the effort.

Being distant between these initial dates means a) you want him more and are more likely to jump to see him or contact him when he wants, and b) sets you up to be a booty call who doesn't expect any extra coupley stuff in between riding sessions

Go ahead and say the thing about wanting the relationship. He'll run a mile most likely or stall with some excuse to string you along further. He's not looking for anything serious. He's either being a bit of a player and you're just one option in his rotation or worse, he's actually in a relationship with someone else already.

Since you like him, I hope I'm totally wrong about all that. And I could be. Because the other side of it is women are often turned off by guys who are 'too keen' so if you've been dating for a while as a guy experience will teach you to avoid coming off like that like the plague - especially with Irish women. They can be quick to label guys as saddos, creeps, etc for having the audacity to send two texts in a row (omg he double texted, what a sap! Etc). I think it's because we as a people are conditioned not to ever think we're anything great or to really love or even like ourselves, so someone liking us too much weirds us out.

bitofabind

I think knowing what you need and managing your own expectations are critical in dating these days.

The first one keeps you immune to abandoning yourself because you’re more worried about what “others” / “he” thinks than what you’re actually going to need from a partner in a long run. Personally, regular communication and a “hi, how are you?” would be pretty normal if I’m looking at someone as potential partner and a lack of that would warrant a conversation. Doesn’t have to be a full blown “I’m looking for a husband and am concerned at your lack of texting”, I guess I’d just be curious and trying to suss it out. “You’re not much of a texter, are you?” “Is that kind of communication important to you?”

The second, well, it’s been three weeks. You’re not going to die if this man isn’t in your life. He might be someone meaningful, he might not be, far too early to tell and you’re a complete and whole and worthy person with your own life to live regardless of what he does. Dating from that perspective is always more peaceful and chilled because it promotes a “wait and see” approach. When you’re single and dating you’ll meet all types and can’t control anyone’s behaviour. If you like someone, great, but you’ve a lot left to learn about them so just wait and see. Don’t do the future fantasies and the life planning and the “what if”, it’s only been a few dates.

If this was me, I’d probably ask a few questions similar to above to gauge things and then just wait and see. Things might progress or change or you might feel differently about him in another 3 weeks. You don’t know this man yet. Ask some questions and trust your instincts.

YellowLead

The DayDream wrote: »

And aside from the fact that it sends a very clear message not to start thinking we're a cutesy couple. Which unfortunately isn't working, since you want to cuff him now already after a few dates.

Being distant between these initial dates means a) you want him more and are more likely to jump to see him or contact him when he wants, and b) sets you up to be a booty call who doesn't expect any extra coupley stuff in between riding sessions.

Go ahead and say the thing about wanting the relationship.

Since you like him, I hope I'm totally wrong about all that. And I could be. Because the other side of it is women are often turned off by guys who are 'too keen' so if you've been dating for a while as a guy experience will teach you to avoid coming off like that like the plague - especially with Irish women. They can be quick to label guys as saddos, creeps, etc for having the audacity to send two texts in a row (omg he double texted, what a sap! Etc).

It’s not that I’m trying to lock him into a relationship right away, not at all. Too soon to determine such compatibility. What I want to avoid is the scenario you described, the ‘playbook’ stuff. If he’s being distant because it’s too soon and decides, or I decide, a few more dates in it’s not worth pursuing that’s totally cool. But I’d like to think both parties are spending time on the dates because they are interested in getting to know the other person and like what they see so far, rather than for one it’s just a means to a ‘sex’ end.

Our dates are always arranged a good while in advance, I wouldn’t be into short notice stuff. But agree with your point b - that could be very likely

Not going to say I want a relationship and if that’s how my draft wording sounds then I need to do some re-drafting!

You are correct if somebody was texting excessively I’d either think they were too into me too soon or were playing a game. But a little bit of back and forth is what I generally experience and hence the lack of that has me wondering.

YellowLead

bitofabind wrote: »

The second, well, it’s been three weeks. You’re not going to die if this man isn’t in your life. He might be someone meaningful, he might not be, far too early to tell and you’re a complete and whole and worthy person with your own life to live regardless of what he does. Dating from that perspective is always more peaceful and chilled because it promotes a “wait and see” approach. When you’re single and dating you’ll meet all types and can’t control anyone’s behaviour. If you like someone, great, but you’ve a lot left to learn about them so just wait and see. Don’t do the future fantasies and the life planning and the “what if”, it’s only been a few weeks.

Thanks BoaB. Completely agree it’s early - if he ended it tomorrow I would not be remotely upset and would relish the thought of unpausing all my profiles and meeting more new people, I’m not invested or attached. I might get a little bit though if things were too continue for months.

I guess it’s the thought of being used (merely because I’d rather spend time with somebody who is enjoying me for me rather than I’m any old girl and just there for a ride, and I don’t want to waste time with the latter) that bothers me and I’m trying to mitigate against that. Thankfully it’s not the norm and I’ve made some great friends via online dating and had some nice encounters that ended just because it wasn’t meant to be on either side.
But trying to mitigate against being used is not possible and you have highlighted that for me. It’s silly to think you can control for situations, you just have to wait and see (and try and ignore the extra years piling up on the clock lol)

Big Bag of Chips

Have you had sex with him? Do you think he sees this as a hook up, rather than a potential relationship? I'll be honest, I don't see anything wrong with the wording of your message in your first post. If this is turning into a hook up, and that's not what you're after of course you should speak up.

What's the alternative? Feel like this now, say nothing, and then 3-4 months down the line when it's still bothering you, bring it up and have him say he didn't know it was an issue!

It's early days, yes. But you don't have to sit demurely by waiting for him to make a decision. I think early days is a good time. You lay out what you're hoping for. He either agrees with you or doesn't. If he doesn't you both walk away completely unscathed and give yourselves the opportunity to find what you ARE looking for!

Gruffalux

I am old fashioned or out of touch with how stuff goes down these days. But if I had sex with a guy 3 or 4 times in the past 3 weeks and he was not dropping a text or a quick call the odd time in between sessions I would feel not so hot about him. Christ my boss phones me almost everyday just to catch up and have a little chat and a laugh, even though he does not need to as I work independantly. He does it out of comradeship and goodness. I would ask at least for even a fraction as much from someone I was shagging weekly to be honest.

YellowLead

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you had sex with him? Do you think he sees this as a hook up, rather than a potential relationship? I'll be honest, I don't see anything wrong with the wording of your message in your first post. If this is turning into a hook up, and that's not what you're after of course you should speak up.

What's the alternative? Feel like this now, say nothing, and then 3-4 months down the line when it's still bothering you, bring it up and have him say he didn't know it was an issue!

It's early days, yes. But you don't have to sit demurely by waiting for him to make a decision. I think early days is a good time. You lay out what you're hoping for. He either agrees with you or doesn't. If he doesn't you both walk away completely unscathed and give yourselves the opportunity to find what you ARE looking for!

Exactly to your point - I don’t want to wait for months to find out we are on different pages. Thanks for the vote of confidence on the wording - good to know. I think what I might do, as I’m uncertain and some people are saying it’s too early to say anything and others are saying do say something, is to wait maybe another week or so. Is it better to ask in person or via text I wonder. I would say in person but that might put him on the spot.

And yes, we have slept together. I don’t agree (for me, happy for others to have their own rules for themselves of course) with holding off on sex for weeks and weeks - it just prolongs the whole thing if sex is what he is after he’ll still wait. If I am attracted to somebody and I’m in the mood then I go right ahead and get what I want. But only if I like the person, I couldn’t have sex with somebody I wasn’t attracted to physically and mentally. It’s different for some people I suppose they will ride anybody just for the pleasure of it all even if they don’t respect that person. I would feel as miffed at the idea of somebody using me for dinners etc, I don’t place a high value on sex - more so my time.

YellowLead

Gruffalux wrote: »

I am old fashioned or out of touch with how stuff goes down these days. But if I had sex with a guy 3 or 4 times in the past 3 weeks and he was not dropping a text or a quick call the odd time in between sessions I would feel not so hot about him. Christ my boss phones me almost everyday just to catch up and have a little chat and a laugh, even though he does not need to as I work independantly. He does it out of comradeship and goodness. I would ask at least for even a fraction as much from someone I was shagging weekly to be honest.

I hear you. And maybe I am being naive - and that is why I came for advice.

I do get the odd text from him every few days, but never much of a conversation.

I guess I should say something.

Big Bag of Chips

The sex itself isn't the issue. If you are two consenting adults.

The issue is, as you are questioning, is it just sex. And I think you are perfectly entitled to ask that question.

YellowLead

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The sex itself isn't the issue. If you are two consenting adults.

The issue is, as you are questioning, is it just sex. And I think you are perfectly entitled to ask that question.

That’s it precisely. If that’s all it was I might continue to see him as he’s fun to spend time with but I’d unpause my apps and continue looking and then stop as soon as I found somebody else.

bitofabind

I think it’s a good exercise in asserting yourself in that case. Like asking for a pay rise at work. A bit scary, but entirely necessary to get what you want and deserve. Listen if a simple “what are your thoughts on how this is progressing?” etc is going to scare a dude off you’re barking up the wrong tree in the first place.

tara73

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

Chawosfski

tara73 wrote: »

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

Sounds about right

YellowLead

tara73 wrote: »

trust your gut here. you wouldn't come here and ask about it if you would feel safe with him.

I say 100% he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. The not texting or initiating contact between dates is the sign. Every man who's interested in more than just a casual hook up would initiate contact, especially in the early days. Doesn't matter if you know each other just for 3 weeks.

He's just waiting for you to contact him and then he takes the chance. So you can never blame him for pursuing you and showing signs of 'real' interest.

It's just sex for him which you even offer without any complications. Seems like a perfect set up for him.

That’s probably true. And thank you. But just to clarify I wouldn’t ‘blame’ him at all! That’s not what this is about.

tara73

YellowLead wrote: »

That’s probably true. But just to clarify I wouldn’t ‘blame’ him at all! That’s not what this is about.

wasn't directed personally at you, I don't know you at all. just stating the general tactic of this lame game, not the first time there's a thread with pretty similar question about this here:)

YellowLead

tara73 wrote: »

wasn't directed personally at you, I don't know you at all. just stating the general tactic of this lame game, not the first time there's a thread with pretty similar question about this here:)

Oh sorry! I miss read

TheadoreT

Is this the dog guy you went on a mountain first date with that went well? Has he asked you on any other outdoor dates or is it all pop round mine for netflix and ... now?

I dunno i always class myself as not much of a texter in general but in best relationships you tend to not be able to get enough of each other in early days and would text silly things a lot. And in situations I'd be less bothered by I would generally be similar to what this guy is being with you.

And please don't use the term hunting , even in quote marks lol.

YellowLead

TheadoreT wrote: »

Is this the dog guy you went on a mountain first date with that went well? Has he asked you on any other outdoor dates or is it all pop round mine for netflix and ... now?

I dunno i always class myself as not much of a texter in general but in best relationships you tend to not be able to get enough of each other in early days and would text silly things a lot. And in situations I'd be less bothered by I would generally be similar to what this guy is being with you.

And please don't use the term hunting , even in quote marks lol.

No, it’s not that guy He was lovely but we were better suited as friends which became apparent to me after about 5 dates (all walks), and still are. There was no passion.

I agree, the lack of messages is probably a big huge sign - I just didn’t want to go down the road of being paranoid unnecessarily but I guess this one is pretty clear!

TP_CM

Just from this guy's perspective, I was good at texting until I was about 27 or 28. Then I became completely useless. I've been told my tone is off sometimes when I genuinely don't mean it to be. I can be very blunt, and I'm not into emojis. Text for me is slightly above email and faxing so I just don't dress it up and a lot of days I would even go as far as saying I really dislike it.

But my actions were always clear cut and never confusing. If I liked a girl, I would show it by keeping my house clean for whenever she came over. Making her favourite food. If she was from a wine country then maybe I'd get wine from her local region/town. That sort of thing. I suppose we all express our interest in different ways and you need to figure out what way he shows his interest.

YellowLead

TP_CM wrote: »

Just from this guy's perspective, I was good at texting until I was about 27 or 28. Then I became completely useless. I've been told my tone is off sometimes when I genuinely don't mean it to be. I can be very blunt, and I'm not into emojis. Text for me is slightly above email and faxing so I just don't dress it up and a lot of days I would even go as far as saying I really dislike it.

But my actions were always clear cut and never confusing. If I liked a girl, I would show it by keeping my house clean for whenever she came over. Making her favourite food. If she was from a wine country then maybe I'd get wine from her local region/town. That sort of thing. I suppose we all express our interest in different ways and you need to figure out what way he shows his interest.

Interesting and thanks for sharing.
Yeah he place is always spotless - so much so the first time I saw it I thought oh he must want to impress me. And yeah he makes an effort with food and drink etc etc. But I still feel somebody could do all that and still be in it just for the sex.

Guess I’ll have to wait and see//ask

Chawosfski

I don't like texting either but as tara pointed out you would text something basic like

'Enjoyed the date , see you soon'

If they wanted more than sex when it suits

YellowLead

Chawosfski wrote: »

I don't like texting either but as tara pointed out you would text something basic like

'Enjoyed the date , see you soon'

If they wanted more than sex when it suits

Oh I do get that after the date - for sure. Had a great time etc. Just not much in the following days before the next.

LegacyUser

He is not making any effort cos he doesn't have to.
He is literally having his cake and eating it.
I know it's different when you're in it. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I think you know in your heart it's time to move on unless it's just sex you are after too.
You deserve better.

Taeholic

Hi Yellow

I agree with you that if a man likes or is interested in you he won't leave you wondering. You are initiating contact so you are showing him that you are interested, I think both parties should be excited to get to know one another better and spend time together.

You seem to be doing all the chasing. Of course he can't text all day if he's working I get that but you make time for someone you like. Before work, quick text on lunch or whatever. Just to see how was your day etc it doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful conversation.

If I were you I'd stop texting him first, decide for yourself after a few days of no contact if you think he is worth your time and energy. No mind games just give yourself a few days to see how you feel.

For what it's worth I wouldn't meet him again, even to ask if he's interested in a relationship further down the line. Actions speak louder than words

Username here

Porklife wrote: »

You give really good advice on here all the time. Read your message as if it was written by somebody else. I think you'll find your answer then:) x

That was actually my first thought reading your post, YL - you would give great advice to anyone else who has posted that. So to paraphrase PL - have a think about the advice you'd give if someone else was in your position.

And FWIW, I'm a guy, and while obviously I can't speak for all other men, I've certainly never left anyone in doubt that I was interested in them. It would be completely self defeating to have met a lady I like, and not engage with her sufficiently for her to realise my interest. Who doesn't have 20 seconds to type out "hi, how was your day?" - IF that's something they want to do?

YellowLead

Username here wrote: »

That was actually my first thought reading your post, YL - you would give great advice to anyone else who has posted that. So to paraphrase PL - have a think about the advice you'd give if someone else was in your position.

And FWIW, I'm a guy, and while obviously I can't speak for all other men, I've certainly never left anyone in doubt that I was interested in them. It would be completely self defeating to have met a lady I like, and not engage with her sufficiently for her to realise my interest. Who doesn't have 20 seconds to type out "hi, how was your day?" - IF that's something they want to do?

Thanks. It’s like editing - it’s much easier to edit somebody else’s work than your own

But I think it’s looking like that he’s just not that into me and I need to grow some balls and just ask. If he’s going to get scared off by me asking if he likes me....then clearly he doesn’t.

I appreciate each and every person who has taken the time to post - it all helps me to process my wandering thoughts on the matter.

leggo

Quick question OP:

Do you find yourself getting more invested in him the more you start to wonder why he’s not texting? Does the wondering and tension start to consume you a bit until you get a response and feel validated?

If that’s tough to figure out, it can be difficult for many I appreciate, I guess another way of putting it is would you say you like him more now than before your last date despite the lack of texting?

YellowLead

leggo wrote: »

Quick question OP:

Do you find yourself getting more invested in him the more you start to wonder why he’s not texting? Does the wondering and tension start to consume you a bit until you get a response and feel validated?

If that’s tough to figure out, it can be difficult for many I appreciate, I guess another way of putting it is would you say you like him more now than before your last date despite the lack of texting?

I don’t think so. Probably less - I do prefer when I think they like me back If I get hints of uncertainty I want to get out of there.

So last summer when I started dating I didn’t date one person at a time I would be chatting to loads and then meet up with a few (which I was open about) - that way I never did get invested in any one person really. Now I’m taking it one person at a time I kind of feel like I need to be selective and move on to the next if there is ambiguity. I guess it’s the same for a lot of people - but in reality you can’t tell whether or not if somebody is suitable so early on so you just have to have patience...which I need to learn. I guess when lockdown ends I’ll go back to dating a few people until it’s clear I like one and he likes me back.

zoe 3619

Do you feel that he's interested when you're actually together?
I think the texting thing is being rather overblown.
If you've had 4 dates in 3 weeks you're seeing each other every few days and you say he messages to say he enjoyed it.
Does he suggest the next date or do you?
I'd be fairly bad with chatting over text and I'm sure others would be as well.Fairly hard to strike up a meaningful conversation in that format when your just getting to know each other.
I don't think it would be too soon to ask how he sees the two of you but I don't think the texting should be an issue.

YellowLead

zoe 3619 wrote: »

Do you feel that he's interested when you're actually together?
I think the texting thing is being rather overblown.
If you've had 4 dates in 3 weeks you're seeing each other every few days and you say he messages to say he enjoyed it.
Does he suggest the next date or do you?
I'd be fairly bad with chatting over text and I'm sure others would be as well.Fairly hard to strike up a meaningful conversation in that format when your just getting to know each other.
You must have

I do feel like that when we are together yes. I have suggested one of the dates, he has the other 3.
Maybe the texting is a personal preference thing, but I’ve just never encountered a scenario where it was so little before. Seems a lot of other posters think it’s an odd thing too.

JPup

It’s not just that he’s not texting though is it? He doesn’t seem to be calling or emailing or communicating in any way between dates, is that right? For me, that’s a bad sign this early in a relationship. Sounds like he’s just not that into you.

None of us know the guy, so could be wrong of course. But usually if you are really into someone you are going to be in touch with them almost every day in some way.

zoe 3619

YellowLead wrote: »

I do feel like that when we are together yes. I have suggested one of the dates, he has the other 3.
Maybe the texting is a personal preference thing, but I’ve just never encountered a scenario where it was so little before. Seems a lot of other posters think it’s an odd thing too.

I'd actually find it odd (and slightly irritating) if I was sent a message saying 'hi.how was your day?' I'd have to message back saying 'fine.how was yours?'
Some people interact better in person.I wouldn't have a clue what to text in his situation.
Maybe you have doubts about him anyway,but I'd be doomed if the success of my relationships was dependent on my clever and conversational messages.

YellowLead

zoe 3619 wrote: »

I'd actually find it odd (and slightly irritating) if I was sent a message saying 'hi.how was your day?' I'd have to message back saying 'fine.how was yours?'
Some people interact better in person.I wouldn't have a clue what to text in his situation.
Maybe you have doubts about him anyway,but I'd be doomed if the success of my relationships was dependent on my clever and conversational messages.

Haha - I wouldn’t be into that ‘how was your day’ thing either - in these times everybody’s day is the exact same as the day before anyway.
It’s more just sharing something funny that happened or that you saw, or a funny little rant. Light kind of stuff that indicates you were on their mind and vice versa. I’m deffo not into the let’s swap life stories over text. There is a lot of that happening in lockdown but it’s not real in my view.

Caranica

YellowLead wrote: »

So last summer when I started dating I didn’t date one person at a time I would be chatting to loads and then meet up with a few (which I was open about) - that way I never did get invested in any one person really. Now I’m taking it one person at a time I kind of feel like I need to be selective and move on to the next if there is ambiguity. I guess it’s the same for a lot of people - but in reality you can’t tell whether or not if somebody is suitable so early on so you just have to have patience...which I need to learn. I guess when lockdown ends I’ll go back to dating a few people until it’s I like one and he likes me back.

That's fairly aggressive dating, why the panic?

YellowLead

Caranica wrote: »

That's fairly aggressive dating, why the panic?

I don’t think it’s aggressive. Maybe - but my few single friends would be similar.
I got out of a 17.5 year relationship last Jan so I just want to meet lots of people and have fun and figure out what I want/don’t want in a relationship. I’m not looking to settle down any time soon.

But I would now like something exclusive that lasts a few months at least, that is mutual. I just want to experience that. I know you can’t force it - but it won’t happen if I don’t go out and look for it.

Caranica

To be honest I don't think you're going to find that on a dating app during the pandemic. People are turning to the apps for one thing only, any kind of exclusive relationship isn't it.

YellowLead

Caranica wrote: »

To be honest I don't think you're going to find that on a dating app during the pandemic. People are turning to the apps for one thing only, any kind of exclusive relationship isn't it.

I agree for a large chunk. But there are also plenty who are - I have friends (not just female male also) who are. I don’t use tinder as that’s hook ups in the main.

leggo

YellowLead wrote: »

I just want to meet lots of people and have fun and figure out what I want/don’t want in a relationship. I’m not looking to settle down any time soon.

But I would now like something exclusive that lasts a few months at least, that is mutual. I just want to experience that. I know you can’t force it - but it won’t happen if I don’t go out and look for it.

Those two viewpoints are kinda opposing though. What do you think will happen after you’re in this ‘ideal’ scenario for a few months? You’ll just both wake up one day and go your separate ways amicably? When you’re dating someone exclusively, an intimacy, connection and attachment naturally builds over time.

Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people who think like this. I’ve had a couple of people I’ve dated short-term finish things out of the blue when everything seems to be going swimmingly, citing the fact it’s going *well* as a reason...freaking out or sabotaging because they have vague plans to go travelling or whatever one day and starting something good is inconvenient for that. It’s extremely frustrating, and when they usually come back with the tail between their legs shortly afterwards, they’re surprised to hear the ship has sailed because I don’t tolerate that behaviour anymore. I’m a person, not a project to experiment on for someone’s personal development.

I think this might be contributing towards your situation. It’s not a stretch to say that, when you don’t seem sure about what you want (because what you say you want contradicts itself), you find yourself in a dating situation where you don’t have a clue how the other person feels either. That’s the law of attraction at work right there.

So I think getting on top of your feelings and being honest with yourself about what you want might be your first step here. If you just want to casually date, then someone taking a casual attitude towards dating you shouldn’t upset you. If you want to connect with someone, be realistic about what that entails and can potentially lead to. If you want to casually date but also want the feeling of someone else falling over themselves for you...well then you want an uneven relationship where they’re attached but you’re not and the blunt truth is you’d be effectively using them then discarding them when it no longer suits you (not saying that’s what you’re doing here, but it would be it you followed your intentions through).

If that’s what you want then that’s unfair to expect anything more than what you’re getting as is. If it isn’t, then admit to yourself what you want, don’t settle for less and you just might get it.

YellowLead

Interesting points Leggo, and it got me thinking.
I don’t want to date casually forever - but I can’t think of any other way to find something meaningful that won’t take 20 years. If you date one by one it just makes everything much slower. It’s what I wanted to try (and also have to because of this lockdown) as I felt I could give somebody my full attention. But I didn’t like being too available - i don’t like this feeling of wondering if somebody likes me or not and I think I’m less bothered when I have a few dates lined up and haven’t got all my eggs in one basket so to speak.

I think most guys I have met (that I liked) were dating a few people at once (all early days) so I don’t want to be the one on the back foot getting invested in one person.

I’m not specifically looking to get married right away - i just got out of a long term relationship. What I want is to enjoy somebodies company, exclusively but without heavy long term expectations. I’m open to something more long term if I found something that really worked - I wouldn’t cut something great off after a few months for no reason.

But I totally see why I come across as not knowing what I want...I take your point and agree that is true to an extent. I’m learning

Gekko

I have to agree with Leggo I’m afraid OP

You’ve approached this guy as if you’re up for casual dating, by sleeping with him early on

As a guy - and from my point of view as a guy - that’s how he will see it I’m afraid to say, whatever the rights and wrongs of that are

There’s nothing wrong with that per se, as long as you fully understand the implications of it

It seems to me like you can proceed in one of two ways, carry on as you are, have “the talk” and clearly and openly say you want to proceed from now on in a relationship where you’re both exclusive

Or - if you’re hesitant about the above - otherwise spend time together without sleeping together for some period of time that you decide on - and see if he sticks around, and get your answer that way

lalababa

If you enjoy his company...then continue to enjoy it. If you don't ...then stop seeing him. Simples
JHChrist

bitofabind

I think Leggo’s called out some interesting points that are worth thinking about YL. It sounds like you’re taking a “casual” approach to dating with the intention of finding something meaningful, and those are two different things that don’t support each other. I know the conventional wisdom with the apps is that you play the numbers game as a sort of emotional safety net, but if the end goal is something meaningful, I think you have to accept that vulnerability and investing in people is a necessary part of this approach and it’s also something you can’t police in others. This vague idea of meeting someone to hang out with for “a few months” but without “heavy long term expectations” doesn’t have any practical application in the real world that I can think of. We’re talking about humans with feelings here, not ordering a pizza off a menu.

Reading between the lines, I wonder if you’re in a rush to meet someone and that sense of urgency isnt allowing for any kind of slow down to step back and think about things? You’ve made a few comments about the “years piling up” / implied that dating one person at a time takes too long. Too long for what? What’s the end goal? A committed partner? Marriage and babies? What do you ultimately want in a relationship and when?

A pet peeve of mine with OD was the people who didn’t seem to know what they wanted. I met quite a few “not sure” types, most of them were on a dating app merry-go-round and were usually not over something in their past and a bit unavailable emotionally. Kinda just passing time on the apps without clarity as to what they wanted and usually a total headfuvk to try to figure out. Personally, figuring out what I wanted and more specifically what I didn’t want got rid of my own sense of urgency with dating as I kind of decided I’d rather be single forever and have a great life than date anyone and everyone with frustrating results. I was enjoying the tranquility of my very single and celibate lockdown life when I met my current partner, that clarity was a game changer.

My advice would be to get very honest with yourself about what you want and what’s required of you to get there.