The Cooking Disaster Thread

Oryx · 03-10-2013 10:40am

In school, I must have been the worst home ed student they ever had.

I once misread a recipe for irish stew and put 6 onions in it. It was very oniony.
I burnt risotto in a saucepan so badly the pot was thrown out.
I rolled out pastry on a worktop, but could only get it off by scraping it off with a spatula.
I tried to make sole veronique for a class competition once. It looked and tasted so vile thinking of it still gives me shudders.

iverjohnston · 03-10-2013 10:42am

Tabitharose wrote: »

gotta ask, how did the cake turn out? great story

Turned out not too bad, got about a half an hour too long in the oven, cause half slept through the alarm. Was all eaten anyway!

Mr. CooL ICE · 03-10-2013 10:52am

It was a long time before I knew how to use cardamom pods. I hated following recipes that used them as I always dreaded the moment I would bite into a pocket of toothpaste-like sustance

hardCopy · 03-10-2013 11:42am

Two of my worst:

When I first took an interest in cooking I had a run of good form following relatively simple recipes to the letter. The first time I tried to experiment and invent my own dish I tried to make a potato, tomato and cheese bake. It was awful, I ended up with a gloopy stodgy bowl of wet potato.

My most recent disaster was horrendous. My girlfriend is a big fan of liver and she convinced me to try it. She fried it with onions and it was just about manageable. A couple of weeks later I decided to try and add it to my delicious meatloaf recipe, figuring it would mask the liver, she could have liver and I wouldn't have to taste it, win/win!

It was absolutely awful, I didn't fry the liver before adding it to the meatloaf mix so I ended up with a large loaf of beef that tasted of liver and worcester sauce, full of lumps of insipid looking grey liver. We both hated it.

MissFlitworth · 03-10-2013 12:10pm

Does nearly blowing the place up count as a food disaster? Working in a pub kitchen I knocked the lighter for the gas rings into the deep fat fryer. The only experience I have ever had of time slowing down so in .2 of a second I was able to think 'Ok, you don't have very much time before that lighter melts and gas meets chip oil and [pub owner] won't care that your face is melted off she'll still kill you so try get it out nice and quickly because you're going to have to run out of here before the fireball starts'

Managed to get it out with a tongs just after the outer layer of plastic melted and the inner layer around the fluid was starting to go. If I hadn't been desperately socially awkward at the time I would have marched behind the bar and demanded a whiskey for my nerves. Instead I panic-ate a catering sized bag of tortilla chips

Mrs Fox · 03-10-2013 12:20pm

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Does nearly blowing the place up count as a food disaster?

We have a winner folks!

Mrs Fox · 03-10-2013 12:34pm

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Creaming butter and sugar together is a very common instruction in cakes.

And a common mistake too.
A former housemate from college thought creaming butter and sugar means to add cream to the butter-sugar mixture.

robindch · 03-10-2013 11:30pm

Years ago, for some family celebration in West Cork, my mum asked me to drop by Killarney on the way down from Dublin and collect the 5kg of Ling she'd ordered from a well-known fishmongers in the town. "Thank f*ck I'm not droppin' by yer place this weekend!" said the shop assistant, before starting to weep with laughter.

Rockiemalt · 04-10-2013 8:28am

Making rice crispie buns once when i was about 12, i was wondering why the chocolate wasn't melting very quickly. (the hot water was melting it a little bit)
I had the wrong ring on the cooker on and our plastic kettle was sitting on the hot ring slowly melting....

More recently making the caramel bit for millionaires shortbread...it was taking a long time to cook but seemed ok. Poured the caramel onto the base, cooled it, did the chocolate top. The caramel turned into rock solid toffee, tasty but impossible to slice!

confusticated · 05-10-2013 11:01am

hardCopy wrote: »

Two of my worst:

When I first took an interest in cooking I had a run of good form following relatively simple recipes to the letter. The first time I tried to experiment and invent my own dish I tried to make a potato, tomato and cheese bake. It was awful, I ended up with a gloopy stodgy bowl of wet potato.

I thought the photo was apple crumble til I read your post!:o

nompere · 05-10-2013 11:13am

robindch wrote: »

Years ago, for some family celebration in West Cork, my mum asked me to drop by Killarney on the way down from Dublin and collect the 5kg of Ling she'd ordered from a well-known fishmongers in the town. "Thank f*ck I'm not droppin' by yer place this weekend!" said the shop assistant, before starting to weep with laughter.

I read this yesterday, and couldn't see a disaster in it, but thought that maybe it was just me, and moved on. I've read it again today, and still can't see a disaster.

I know it's quite a a lot of fish, but if there are going to be lots of people, so what. And why on earth was the shop assistant amused?

dipdip · 05-10-2013 2:04pm

Glad it's not just me who couldn't understand this!

the beer revolu · 05-10-2013 2:26pm

As a young fella still living at home, one Sunday afternoon, home alone, I decided to cook myself a steak, some frozen chips and sweetcorn. I cooked the lot without incident and took it to the sitting room to eat in front of the TV. As I finished my dinner, I heard a strange noise and bang I ran into the kitchen to find that the deep fat fryer had belched flaming oil all over the draining board and the lethal polystyrene wall tiles were ablaze.
End result was scarred hands, fire brigade, burnt out kitchen and smoke damaged house. My mother got a brand new kitchen out of it but she never did thank me.

Worst pat of it was that we knew the thermostat was gone in that deep fat fryer but continued to use it. The simple act of forgetting to unplug it resulted in burning out a kitchen.

dipdip · 05-10-2013 2:33pm

Once, when trying to impress a new boyfriend, I set two toasted sandwiches on fire under the grill. They were stacked too high and lit off the element.

I've had so many disasters...I made a sweet potato and chorizo soup that strongly resembled vomit in texture, appearance and odour. I tipped the whole lot down the sink in disgust and the kitchen smelled like a giant had puked in it for 24 hours.

One day I spent ages preparing a sticky toffee pudding for a dinner party. If you've ever made it you know it involves soaking and blitzing dates...lots of steps and quite pricey, too. It came out of the oven at the correct time and looked golden and risen. I proudly bought it to the table to oohs and aahs with a jug of creamy toffee sauce on side. I dipped in the serving spoon and it was like popping a pimple - it was completely raw in the middle and the batter spurted out. Horrific.

I'll leave it there for now...

Vojera · 05-10-2013 6:22pm

Oh, I forgot about the time that I was grilling something (me and grills seem to not get on). I had a tea towel in my hand to pull out the shelf rather than an oven glove and my creepy housemate at the time loomed over my shoulder and scared the crap out of me. I jumped and got the middle of my middle finger on my right hand stuck to the grill. I didn't even notice for a second, I was after getting such a fright. I pulled my finger away and had a semi-circular dent melted into it. Bizarrely it didn't even scar but it was really sore for ages! And I stopped cooking when the housemate was around.

the beer revolu · 06-10-2013 12:28pm

Burnt me fried polenta cake last night.

Minder · 06-10-2013 10:31pm

Last night was supposed to be simple baked potato with a little wilted spinach and a pile of pink lamb chops. Baked spuds took an age. After an hour and 15 minutes, they were still as hard as the hobs of hell. I took them out expecting crispy bags of fluffiness ready for a slather of butter and a little cheese. Unfortunately, chops were already on. Meh! Hate dinner in shifts.

hardCopy · 07-10-2013 8:14am

Vojera wrote: »

Oh, I forgot about the time that I was grilling something (me and grills seem to not get on). I had a tea towel in my hand to pull out the shelf rather than an oven glove and my creepy housemate at the time loomed over my shoulder and scared the crap out of me. I jumped and got the middle of my middle finger on my right hand stuck to the grill. I didn't even notice for a second, I was after getting such a fright. I pulled my finger away and had a semi-circular dent melted into it. Bizarrely it didn't even scar but it was really sore for ages! And I stopped cooking when the housemate was around.

Aldi are doing a special at the moment on "shelf guards". Heat proof rubber bumpers that clip on to the edge of the oven rack.

The Hill Billy · 07-10-2013 9:14am

Rockiemalt wrote: »

Making rice crispie buns once when i was about 12, i was wondering why the chocolate wasn't melting very quickly. (the hot water was melting it a little bit)
I had the wrong ring on the cooker on and our plastic kettle was sitting on the hot ring slowly melting....

Did something similar to our fairly newish fancy-pants iron yesterday.

Neyite · 08-10-2013 5:31pm

Sweet and Sour mince anyone?

homemadecider · 08-10-2013 8:34pm

Oooh, I had a similar one as a teenager... sweet and sour from a jar with loads of dried herbs de provence thrown in. I thought I was being posh. It was horrendous!

April O Neill · 08-10-2013 10:19pm

Rockiemalt wrote: »

Making rice crispie buns once when i was about 12, i was wondering why the chocolate wasn't melting very quickly. (the hot water was melting it a little bit)
I had the wrong ring on the cooker on and our plastic kettle was sitting on the hot ring slowly melting....

I am SO afraid of doing this. And it WILL happen some day.

hardCopy · 09-10-2013 2:36pm

April O Neill wrote: »

I am SO afraid of doing this. And it WILL happen some day.

I almost did it with my phone last night. 50:50 chance of the hob being cold and I got lucky.

Merkin · 09-10-2013 9:59pm

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Does nearly blowing the place up count as a food disaster? Working in a pub kitchen I knocked the lighter for the gas rings into the deep fat fryer. The only experience I have ever had of time slowing down so in .2 of a second I was able to think 'Ok, you don't have very much time before that lighter melts and gas meets chip oil and [pub owner] won't care that your face is melted off she'll still kill you so try get it out nice and quickly because you're going to have to run out of here before the fireball starts'

Managed to get it out with a tongs just after the outer layer of plastic melted and the inner layer around the fluid was starting to go. If I hadn't been desperately socially awkward at the time I would have marched behind the bar and demanded a whiskey for my nerves. Instead I panic-ate a catering sized bag of tortilla chips

Just saw this now and it made me cry laughing MF

Mrs Fox · 09-10-2013 11:39pm

homemadecider wrote: »

Oooh, I had a similar one as a teenager... sweet and sour from a jar with loads of dried herbs de provence thrown in. I thought I was being posh. It was horrendous!

Yeah, the classic jar-with-anything-and-everything.
A guy I went out with a loooong time ago, who's deluded to believe he was some kind of a genius in the kitchen, tried to impress me with a jar of Patak's Madras with deli cooked chicken, over a bowl of penne that "I boiled from scratch, you know", and topped it with crumbled Stilton. It was vile.
I should've known well before, because the first time he invited me for dinner that "I'll be making myself" was a large plate of 5 kinds of salads, and sliced roast beef, all from Superquinn deli.

MissFlitworth · 10-10-2013 10:21am

Merkin wrote: »

Just saw this now and it made me cry laughing MF

I laughed & cried when it happened too

All at the same time, I sounded not unlike a donkey

Mrs Fox wrote: »

Patak's Madras with deli cooked chicken, over a bowl of penne that "I boiled from scratch, you know", and topped it with crumbled Stilton. It was vile.

Oh hello watery sick mouth, urrrrrrhhhh

Faith · 11-10-2013 11:23pm

Not a total disaster, but I bought ingredients to make brownies and decided to teach my OH to bake this evening. He was delighted with himself but we noticed that the mixture was a much paler colour than usual. It was only when they were out of the oven that I realised I'd only bought half the chocolate that I actually needed

. They still taste nice, but I'd bought milk rather than dark chocolate, so coupled with the phenomenal amount of sugar in them they're INCREDIBLY sweet

.

Cork selfbuild · 12-10-2013 9:58am

Benn there Faith! Also had a few times where I forgot a vital ingredient, one time I was making mushroom soup, hard to get wrong, mind was else where and I forgot the flour at the start so said id just add it in after it was simmering for ages and figured out why it wasn't thickening, so in it went, it ended up like a pot of mushrooms and just balls or flour stuck together floating on the surface. No soup that day!

Rebel Rebel · 12-10-2013 3:54pm

Back in my student days we has one of those cookers that had a grill/oven combined, i was using the grill and forgot to turn in off before closing the oven door. After many many hours the glass on the oven door had shattered and the cooker knobs were half melted. Cooker was ruined and had to be replaced and i lost my security deposit.

Another time i was cooking roasting veg and when it came time to turn the veg, i put on the oven glove not knowing that one of the girls in the house had gotten it wet, but it had not soaked all the way to the inside, so it felt dry to me, as i was holding the hot baking tin the dampness turned to stream in my hand, steam burns!. Dropped everything onto the floor, oil and all. As i was away getting my hand seen to the kitchen floor was only half cleaned, it was lethal for a few days after.

canadianwoman · 12-10-2013 4:23pm

I set the kitchen on fire making chips once. Thank goodness for that fire extinguisher on the building's hallway.

The Cooking Disaster Thread

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