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Finances

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    #62
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    bubblypop wrote: »
    Maybe she doesn't feel like its her house?
    You bought it, alone I suppose?
    Do you pay the mortgage yourself?


    This.

    op i am sure she gives out about the kitchen. But its your house your money. She isn't obligated to renovate your house because she gives out about it.

    And you aren't obligated to renovate it for her just because she gives out about it.

    Just put the renovation off ..don't get a loan for it. Bad move.

    If you want your GF to pay rent or give towards the mortgage then ask her.

    Tbh the least she could have done is take you away on holiday too.


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    #63
    foodie86
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭foodie86


    If I lived with someone and paid for small things while they covered the rent/mortgage and bills so that I could spend all my money on new cars for myself, nice clothes and going out with friends, I'd feel like an absolute user and would consider my OH an absolute sap.[/quote]

    Isn’t this the way many stay at home mothers live though? Husband/partner works to provide for the family. I personally see nothing wrong with that situation and if it works for a couple why not run with it. Calling someone a “sap” or a user when We don’t know the full story behind how the girlfriend contributes to the house isn’t very fair.

    His job might be more manual labour long days, very hard then to come home and help run the house. She might have a more sedentary job and might have the time and energy to cook/clean/shop etc.

    More power to her, I’d see nothing wrong with it if they’re both ok with it if not they need to have a talk.
    I’d love the easy life and to be provided for especially if I was the one running the house. That’s a harder job than many realise.


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    #64
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    foodie86 wrote: »
    If I lived with someone and paid for small things while they covered the rent/mortgage and bills so that I could spend all my money on new cars for myself, nice clothes and going out with friends, I'd feel like an absolute user and would consider my OH an absolute sap.
    Isn’t this the way many stay at home mothers live though? Husband/partner works to provide for the family. I personally see nothing wrong with that situation and if it works for a couple why not run with it. Calling someone a “sap” or a user when We don’t know the full story behind how the girlfriend contributes to the house isn’t very fair.

    His job might be more manual labour long days, very hard then to come home and help run the house. She might have a more sedentary job and might have the time and energy to cook/clean/shop etc.

    More power to her, I’d see nothing wrong with it if they’re both ok with it if not they need to have a talk.
    I’d love the easy life and to be provided for especially if I was the one running the house. That’s a harder job than many realise.
    [/QUOTE]


    If they were ok with it as a couple i would not call the other person a user either.

    Its not inherently BAD etc. There is give and take ...

    But he isn't ok with it is he? Not deep down. He is resenting it ...it will only build over time.

    Some people are or would be ok with it. He isn't. He is feeling angry about it. Its not healthy for either of them.

    If he was happy with the situation it could be healthy. He isn't. He feels used. And if he FEELS used ..then well he is being used. Feelings matter in relationships.

    On the other hand ..he hasn't as far as i can tell asked her for rent etc. So how is she to know. Its still his house.

    Maybe they need to talk.

    Its not fair to call her a user. I get that. What she contributes in terms of cleaning and other stuff is a very real contribution. It should be valued. Its real.

    The op feels used though. He is resentful. That's important. He doesn't feel appreciated.

    She isn't a user ..but he feels used. Does that make sense?

    He should say ..and they should talk ..


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    #65
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    foodie86 wrote: »
    If I lived with someone and paid for small things while they covered the rent/mortgage and bills so that I could spend all my money on new cars for myself, nice clothes and going out with friends, I'd feel like an absolute user and would consider my OH an absolute sap.

    Isn’t this the way many stay at home mothers live though? Husband/partner works to provide for the family. I personally see nothing wrong with that situation and if it works for a couple why not run with it. Calling someone a “sap” or a user when We don’t know the full story behind how the girlfriend contributes to the house isn’t very fair.

    His job might be more manual labour long days, very hard then to come home and help run the house. She might have a more sedentary job and might have the time and energy to cook/clean/shop etc.

    More power to her, I’d see nothing wrong with it if they’re both ok with it if not they need to have a talk.
    I’d love the easy life and to be provided for especially if I was the one running the house. That’s a harder job than many realise.
    She's not a stay at home mother though and this arrangement is not working for the op anymore. He came here for advice to see if he is being unreasonable or not. I personally think he shouldn't go through with the renovations unless he is happy to do it and pay for it, as clearly the girlfriend isn't responsible enough to save for renovations that she wants. It's time for the op to consider whether this relationship is going to go the distance or not. He has some serious thinking to do.


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    #66
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Just thought I'd give a quick update. We had a big chat a couple of weeks ago and I told her about it all and how I was feeling. She said I was being unreasonable at first, but that she would make more effort etc.

    Last night I asked her to buy us tickets for a gig we want to go to and she said she couldn't as she has just spent 300 on a spa day for her and her sister.

    The penny finally dropped for me last night. After everything I said a couple of weeks ago she goes and does that. Now I really see myself as a mug and I know deep down this can't go on.

    Thanks for the advice everyone


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    #67
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,817 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    Ah I'm sorry to hear that.

    On the plus side there's no kids involved so you won't be supporting her for the next 20 years!


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    #68
    sportsfan90
    Registered Users Posts: 607 ✭✭✭sportsfan90


    Sorry to hear OP but I think you have your answer.

    Just a word of advice if you do decide to end things. If it was me, I definitely wouldn't bring up the money issues as being a factor when ending things. Believe me you will only leave yourself completely open to looking bad.

    Think about it, she'll confide to her friends/family and mention that you brought up the finances issue. What they'll hear is that you broke up with her because she doesn't earn enough money and that you're looking for a partner who's rich. Who'll appear to be the bad guy then?

    Btw I think everyone here knows that's not the case but break-ups can be messy and you need to protect your own reputation too, especially when you've done nothing wrong. Best of luck.


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    #69
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Now I really see myself as a mug and I know deep down this can't go on.

    You're not a mug at all, you were just in love and because love sometimes feels so good, it overrides logic more frequently than it should.

    There are very few people who haven't been in a relationship where they haven't missed or overlooked red flags but that's the bitch about love, strong emotions gobble up your common sense.

    When the dust settles, you'll come out of this with a better sense of what you need in a relationship, what you deserve and where your boundaries lie etc. & will find someone better suited to you in time. I look upon failed relationships, as lessons learnt!


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    #70
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    sportsfan90 wrote: »

    Think about it, she'll confide to her friends/family and mention that you brought up the finances issue. What they'll hear is that you broke up with her because she doesn't earn enough money and that you're looking for a partner who's rich. Who'll appear to be the bad guy then?
    That's a good point. Someone that spoiled and entitled isn't going to tell people the truth. She'll tell her warped version of it.


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    #71
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Exactly. I'd just say its not working out and I want to break up.

    Just be prepared. Considering her winning combination of entitlement and lack of self awareness I can see her trying to turn things on you very quickly. She's going to have to pay for her life now, that'll be a big shock for her.


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    #72
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,817 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    It's very rare anyone gives the real reason for breaking up.

    The lines throttled out are clichés for a reason.

    Be prepared for a tantrum, but be strong.

    Break ups are never easy. Maybe use some of the kitchen renovation money for a nice holiday or treat for yourself.

    Not every girl is like her, most of us pay our way.

    Take care of yourself, as another poster said you are not a mug. You were just very unlucky to fall for a sponge.


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    #73
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Princess Calla wrote: »
    It's very rare anyone gives the real reason for breaking up.

    The lines throttled out are clichfor a reason.

    Be prepared for a tantrum, but be strong.

    Break ups are never easy. Maybe use some of the kitchen renovation money for a nice holiday or treat for yourself.

    Not every girl is like her, most of us pay our way.

    Take care of yourself, as another poster said you are not a mug. You were just very unlucky to fall for a sponge.
    Exactly. Op you are obviously a very caring person. You let your girlfriend live rent free and never questioned it. Her ridiculous attitude to the kitchen renovations is what sparked your doubt and your concerns were justified when you had an adult conversation with her about finances, she made promises and then sh!t all over them. Let her go and eventually you will find someone on your wavelength and your quality of life will improve dramatically.


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    #74
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Originally Posted by sportsfan90 View Post

    Think about it, she'll confide to her friends/family and mention that you brought up the finances issue. What they'll hear is that you broke up with her because she doesn't earn enough money and that you're looking for a partner who's rich. Who'll appear to be the bad guy then?

    True they will......... but is he really gonna hand out with her friends and family after they break up?

    Anyway who cares what people think...you know who you are.


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