Finances

30-10-2019 4:52pm #1

I'm trying to figure out if I am being unreasonable here as my other half has me believing I am.

Were going out about 4 years. Not married, no kids. She's awful with money, I'm pretty good. We keep our finances seperate and we're both happy with this.

We need to get some work done to the house, costing around 40k. We've known we've needed this for about 2 years. In that time I've managed to save around 10k towards it. She's saved nothing. We earn roughly the same, I earn a little more.

A builder is available to do the work for us now so I'm going for a loan (I've to go for the loan in my name only as her credit record is so poor). But my girlfriend has told me she is booking herself a trip to Rome for a few days on her own to take photos as she needs a break. I'm pissed cos I think she should be putting the money toward the house work and not going on holidays. She says she'll be paying back the same amount as me monthly so what's the problem. I told her I'm putting 10k into it and she needs to make a better effort and not be heading to Rome to spend money.

Am I wrong to be annoyed?

Sleepy · 30-10-2019 5:00pm

Simple (assuming you own the house jointly): tell her that since you've saved a quarter of the cost and are putting up the initial 10k, she can pay back 2/3rds of the 30k you need to borrow in order to keep things equitable.

If she still wants to head off to Rome then, leave her off.

I'd also be keeping a close eye on any future maintenance costs: make sure you're not always the one paying for them as should ye split at some time in the future, you can be sure she'll be looking for her "half" of the house.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 5:06pm

Finances are one of the major reasons for couples breaking up.

How was she with saving for the house in the first place?

I wouldn't be happy at all. It's one thing not bothering saving but then heading off on holidays is taking the p1ss. Does she usually head away on her own?

She would do my head in tbh, but then I'm a saver. I like the security of rainy day fund.

30-10-2019 5:16pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Finances are one of the major reasons for couples breaking up.

How was she with saving for the house in the first place?

I wouldn't be happy at all. It's one thing not bothering saving but then heading off on holidays is taking the p1ss. Does she usually head away on her own?

She would do my head in tbh, but then I'm a saver. I like the security of rainy day fund.

She's living here the last 4 years but I originally bought the house myself and I pay the small mortgage on it. It needs updating and that's what the money is needed for. New kitchen, knocking some walls etc.

No she doesn't usually head away on her own, this would be a first.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 5:32pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

She's living here the last 4 years but I originally bought the house myself and I pay the small mortgage on it. It needs updating and that's what the money is needed for. New kitchen, knocking some walls etc.

No she doesn't usually head away on her own, this would be a first.

Please be so careful that you know she's "the one" I think it's 5 yrs living there and she has claim to half the house.

I think what the poster suggested above about her repaying a higher amount is a good compromise. At this stage not much more you can do.

Though she could well cancel the trip.

While I'm not suggesting a joint account, as I think she'd be lethal

would you suggest a kitty that you look after and both throw in a couple of hundred a month for the sole purpose of house maintenance.

30-10-2019 5:34pm

Maybe she doesn't feel like its her house?
You bought it, alone I suppose?
Do you pay the mortgage yourself?

30-10-2019 5:38pm

bubblypop wrote: »

Maybe she doesn't feel like its her house?
You bought it, alone I suppose?
Do you pay the mortgage yourself?

Yes I pay it alone.

No she does feel like it's her house she's the one always giving out about the kitchen etc not me!

I don't want to go down the route of her paying more back. I'd rather it was split evenly as if she had to pay more I'd probably end up covering her anyway and that could cause sone friction

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 5:40pm

Does she pay rent?

30-10-2019 5:45pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Does she pay rent?

No

30-10-2019 5:48pm

Sorry, but maybe she doesn't see why she should put money into a house she doesn't own?
I can understand that Tbh.
Maybe you both need to talk about the house & who pays what.

30-10-2019 5:57pm

bubblypop wrote: »

Sorry, but maybe she doesn't see why she should put money into a house she doesn't own?
I can understand that Tbh.
Maybe you both need to talk about the house & who pays what.

We have. I pay for the house, I'm ok with that and obviously she is too.
She lives there rent free the last few years and thinks it needs updating. She really wants this work done, more so than me.

If the issue was she doesn't feel like it's her house I would of just said ok and not bothered with the work, it's grand for a few more years. She wants this work as much if not more than me.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 6:06pm

While I get that she may not feel it's her house, I don't understand how any adult would be ok living rent free when they work full time.

She's basically a child, all her money is her own and she still doesn't have a bean. You're the adult looking after all the real life inconveniences like mortgages.

This set up wouldnt be for me.

Wesser · 30-10-2019 6:07pm

sounds to me as though there is a total disconnect and mismatch between your money managing priorities and this is something you should discuss in detail as it could turn into a major issue in your relationship. i dont understand why she isnt paying rent and sounds to me she is expecting alot for free so she can spend all her money on herself /luxuries. is she going to rome to take photos for instagram?

Salary Negotiator · 30-10-2019 6:08pm

OP you should have been charging her rent and saving that to pay for the roof.

If I was her I wouldn’t be paying to repair the roof on a house I have no claim to.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 6:13pm

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

OP you should have been charging her rent and saving that to pay for the roof.

If I was her I wouldn’t be paying to repair the roof on a house I have no claim to.

She will have a claim to half of it in less than 12 months!

Pretty shrewd on her part, live for free for 5 yrs, break up and claim half the value of the house.

I'm not saying that's what she'll do, but the OP has left themselves open to it!

Salary Negotiator · 30-10-2019 6:18pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

She will have a claim to half of it in less than 12 months!

Pretty shrewd on her part, live for free for 5 yrs, break up and claim half the value of the house.

I'm not saying that's what she'll do, but the OP has left themselves open to it!

INAL but I don’t think she’ll have much of a claim if she hasn’t contributed anything to the house.

Paying for the roof light change that.

Regardless the OP should get legal advice on what he does next.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 6:33pm

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

INAL but I don’t think she’ll have much of a claim if she hasn’t contributed anything to the house.

Paying for the roof light change that.

Regardless the OP should get legal advice on what he does next.

I honestly don't know the in and outs myself. I looked into it on a surface level when himself moved in with me, he still paid rent,but less than half the mortgage. Anything that was needed for the house I looked after. House was a relatively new house, so nothing more than an ikea trip needed

Personally I would have felt like a mug letting him live there rent free.

We went on and had kids before the 5 yr rule kicked in so different ballgame then.

I totally agree that he should get legal advice or it could be a very expensive lesson.

Salary Negotiator · 30-10-2019 6:39pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

I honestly don't know the in and outs myself. I looked into it on a surface level when himself moved in with me, he still paid rent,but less than half the mortgage. Anything that was needed for the house I looked after. House was a relatively new house, so nothing more than an ikea trip needed Personally I would have felt like a mug letting him live there rent free.

We went on and had kids before the 5 yr rule kicked in so different ballgame then.

I totally agree that he should get legal advice or it could be a very expensive lesson.

I’m the same as yourself, bought the house myself and my name on the deeds and living with my fiancé but we’re engaged and will be married before the 5 year kicks in.

Dial Hard · 30-10-2019 7:26pm

The Co-habitation bill has to be the most misunderstood and misquoted piece of legislation on Boards. It’s not “5 years and they’re entitled to half the house” by any stretch of the imagination, it’s 5 years and you’re entitled to *apply* for a partial interest in the house, generally based on what you put into it while you lived there, should the couple break up.

Frankly I’m absolutely mind-boggled as to why the OP has let his GF live rent-free for the past four years but it may well end up doing him a favor should they break up down the line.

Princess Calla · 30-10-2019 7:32pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

The Co-habitation bill has to be the most misunderstood and misquoted piece of legislation on Boards. It’s not “5 years and they’re entitled to half the house” by any stretch of the imagination, it’s 5 years and you’re entitled to *apply* for a partial interest in the house, generally based on what you put into it while you lived there, should the couple break up.

Frankly I’m absolutely mind-boggled as to why the OP has let his GF live rent-free for the past four years but it may well end up doing him a favor should they break up down the line.

Cool, as I said I wasn't 100% sure. I'd still be getting legal advice though. As I said above circumstances changed for me (planned) but at the start I'd full intentions of legal advice once it entered into year 4!

LegacyUser · 30-10-2019 7:36pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

She will have a claim to half of it in less than 12 months!

Pretty shrewd on her part, live for free for 5 yrs, break up and claim half the value of the house.

I'm not saying that's what she'll do, but the OP has left themselves open to it!

It's a bit more nuanced than that TBH.

OP, if I were you, I wouldn't be taking out the loan. She's the one who wants it done up but didnt bother saving anything and now wants to go on holidays rather than help you out. You'll be putting a stone around your neck for someone who has such bad credit rating that she can't shoulder the burden with you.

If you two were to break up, you'll be left having to pay back a hefty loan for something you didn't even want.

I think a very serious conversation is in order. She needs to understand that she can't go swaning off on holidays when you're taking out such a huge loan - Jesus, no wonder she has bad credit rating.

I'd be saying it's on hold until her credit rating has improved enough that she can take out the loan with you and has better savings in place. Her response will be quite telling.

Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who has such a poor attitude towards finances.

helimachoptor · 30-10-2019 7:43pm

So living rent free and hasn't saved anything.

Op in your position I'd be really having a serious think about the relationship. As said above financial incompatibility is a serious issue and it seems like you've got a big case of it here.

30-10-2019 7:44pm

Rent free for years and poor credit rating, how do you even manage that!

GingerLily · 30-10-2019 7:54pm

I am in two minds...

She should be paying rent and bills, no reason she shouldn't contribute to the house

But

I don't think she should be paying for doing up your house, and certainly not a large lump sum. It's not her investment, it's yours.

cannotlogin · 30-10-2019 8:55pm

I think the current position is only reflective of a bigger issue in your relationship.

I wouldn't pay towards upgrade/repairs of a house I don't own regardless of whether I had the funds or not.

That said, given the fact that she appears to have never contributed to anything in the past, I think you are naive in thinking that this will be any different.

How did you end up in a situation where she lives in your house rent free and has been doing so for the last 3 years? You have saved her thousands. A room to rent is unlikely to cost any less than €500 p/m so that's nearly €20,000 and it's likely to be a lot more depending on where you live.

Despite the fact that you have saved her thousands, she has saved nothing and has still manages to have a poor credit rating. So effectively, she'll never get a mortgage but she doesn't need to worry cost you are funding her anyway.

Is her selfishness not a turn off? Most people wouldn't be so brazen as to stay rent free in a partner's house. For their own independence, pride, self esteem, sense of fairness etc., they would need to contribute.

This isn't an equal relationship and she certainly doesn't see you as equal. Is there any chance you consider her out of your league as I'm not sure why else you'd let her take you for a ride in this manner.

She's effectively a cost centre that you will be subsidising for the rest of your life. Make sure you are happy with that position if you are committing to this long term.

30-10-2019 9:20pm

In fairness she does contribute. She does the food shopping most weeks and we split the gas and elec. Anything we buy for the house like furniture etc she goes halves on and has done over the years.

How have I let her away with rent for so long? Fortunately I have a small mortgage and getting money off her every month was more hassle than it was worth. I was earning a lot more than her at the time and wanted to go on holidays and out for dinner etc so I suppose I let her keep her money to keep up with my lifestyle.

I'm not asking her for a lump sum for the house works, basically if she wants a fancy kitchen etc I think she should pay half, and remember she isn't paying rent so there's no reason she shouldn't.

I've taken advice on her claiming half the house before and was advised as was said above, she would have to prove what's contributed and as that's very little im ok.

zapper55 · 30-10-2019 9:39pm

Food shopping is nothing compared to what shes pay in rent or mortgage if she was living elsewhere. I'm really horrified by her attitude. And it was hassle to get rent off her? Feck sake that's really really taking the piss. I'm female and I would be mortified to be in her position. I'd feel like a cheap cow.

Funny how the holiday has just cropped up when you've asked her to make the first real financial contribution in the relationship. I wouldn't count goes halves on some furniture as that tbh.

I think this is much bigger than the loan. And its a loan for changes she wants by the way. I'd call off the builder and let things settle for a while. I'd hate for you to be stung for paying for the entire loan if she refused to pay or broke up with you.

foodie86 · 30-10-2019 9:56pm

zapper55 wrote: »

Food shopping is nothing compared to what shes pay in rent or mortgage if she was living elsewhere. I'm really horrified by her attitude. And it was hassle to get rent off her? Feck sake that's really really taking the piss. I'm female and I would be mortified to be in her position. I'd feel like a cheap cow.

Funny how the holiday has just cropped up when you've asked her to make the first real financial contribution in the relationship. I wouldn't count goes halves on some furniture as that tbh.

I think this is much bigger than the loan. And its a loan for changes she wants by the way. I'd call off the builder and let things settle for a while. I'd hate for you to be stung for paying for the entire loan if she refused to pay or broke up with you.

I’d easily spend €100 + a week on fresh food for home cooking so it does add up. I would have no problem living like your girlfriend and wouldn’t be mortified. There are plenty of similar women out there!

BUT Your enabling her habits and she does need to cop on herself with the bad credit. Leave her off on the holiday or she’ll get sour with you but sit down and have a chat about where both yere money is going and how it’s going to fund the future.

I developed terrible spending habits because I was enabled but in the long run a serious chat and a trip to the bank immediately after have helped to settle things.

Don’t let it go on as she’ll only keep spending her money mainly on herself!

cannotlogin · 30-10-2019 10:44pm

foodie86 wrote: »

I would have no problem living like your girlfriend and wouldn’t be mortified. There are plenty of similar women out there!

BUT Your enabling her habits and she does need to cop on herself with the bad credit.

I developed terrible spending habits because I was enabled

Don’t let it go on as she’ll only keep spending her money mainly on herself!

OP, I've edited this to give you an insight into how someone like your girlfriend thinks. I hope it's an eye opener.

It always amazes me when people say "I was enabled",when the correct expression/truth is "I took advantage!".

Dial Hard · 30-10-2019 11:31pm

foodie86 wrote: »

I’d easily spend €100 + a week on fresh food for home cooking so it does add up. I would have no problem living like your girlfriend and wouldn’t be mortified. There are plenty of similar women out there!

BUT Your enabling her habits and she does need to cop on herself with the bad credit. Leave her off on the holiday or she’ll get sour with you but sit down and have a chat about where both yere money is going and how it’s going to fund the future.

I developed terrible spending habits because I was enabled but in the long run a serious chat and a trip to the bank immediately after have helped to settle things.

Don’t let it go on as she’ll only keep spending her money mainly on herself!

Sorry, but a big, fat "me hole" to that. I cook every night and do the vast majority of the food shopping in my house but I still pay my half of the rent and bills. Any woman who has "no problem living like that" absolutely should be mortified and I'm very glad to say I don't know anyone like that.

OP, it's irrelevant how small your mortgage is, she should be making an equal contribution to the household living costs. If her food costs and share of the bills equal what you're putting into the mortgage, then fine, but it doesn't sound like that's the case, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

I have a friend with a tiny mortgage who moved her boyfriend in and also went back and forth about whether to charge him anything as she felt bad asking (as she saw it) him to subsidise a mortage she could very easily afford on her own. But she got over herself and he's happily paying a fraction of what market rent would be for a similar place and nobody feels taken advantage of or patronised. They split bills and he probably pays the lion's share of the grocery bills as, like me, he's the cook in the house.

You need to sort this situation out pronto.

foodie86 · 30-10-2019 11:48pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, but a big, fat "me hole" to that. I cook every night and do the vast majority of the food shopping in my house but I still pay my half of the rent and bills. Any woman who has "no problem living like that" absolutely should be mortified and I'm very glad to say I don't know anyone like that.

You need to sort this situation out pronto.

Look I’m just giving a different perspective as to how other people live. At the time I was also doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing so in my mind it worked out quite fairly. In fact that’s how a lot of marriages I know work. Is that enabling or is it taking advantage ? Depends on how both parties view it.

Don’t know why anyone would be mortified by this though it’s just how some people live.

OP probably best of you both chat it out she might not see it’s as clearly as you do.

Finances

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