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Friendship advice

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Comments

  • #52
    KikiLaRue
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    corklily05 wrote: »
    Just want to update people on this matter, the guy who i had the disagreement with at christmas text yesterday to ask for my address. I told him that unfortunately due to exams i wasn't able to attend the wedding, just being polite i wished him the best. I got a long text off him his evening saying that he hopes our disagreement at christmas didn't have a bearing on me attending his wedding, he also admitted things got out of hand and by the looks of things he's showing a little regret.

    Thing is, i don't think i can ever look at this guy the same way and i can't help thinking that this text is some kneejerk reaction to my inability to attend his wedding.

    Any thoughts?

    Honestly unless he actually tore strips off you at Christmas, it sounds like you’re overreacting.

    He admitted he was in the wrong, expressed regret and invited you to his wedding.

    What more do you want from him?

    If you can’t stay friends with him that’s your choice, I’d suggest a polite text back so that you can still see your mutual friends together without it being awkward.


  • #53
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    corklily05 wrote: »
    I got a long text off him his evening saying that he hopes our disagreement at christmas didn't have a bearing on me attending his wedding, he also admitted things got out of hand and by the looks of things he's showing a little regret.

    Thing is, i don't think i can ever look at this guy the same way and i can't help thinking that this text is some kneejerk reaction to my inability to attend his wedding.

    No I think at this stage you are being childish, to be honest. Sorry but that's what I think.

    He's apologised, outlined why he's apologising and admitted where he was wrong. You don't have to attend the wedding (don't blame you either way, I hate them) and it's up to you who you are friends with. But you are still dismissing it as a "knee-jerk" reaction to not attending the wedding. I'll outline why I think that is childish:

    - You had a row/disagreement with this lad where you felt he went too far with slagging. Which is fair enough. At this point, you could have sorted it out by saying it out straight to him. Instead:

    - you deleted yourself from the whatsapp group without an explanation
    - when those other lads messaged asking were you okay, you told everyone but him why you were angry, and wondered why he wasn't contacting you when they clearly would have told them what you had said. So you were hoping they would relay your feelings to him and he would approach you to apologise.
    - then last week you went and deleted yourself from the group again and all these lads started messaging you being really supportive and asking if you were okay.
    - the guy you are angry with asks you for your address and you say you're not going to the wedding.

    Of course it's a reaction to having the wedding invite declined. He's realised "oh sh*t, he really is that angry after all" and has put out an olive branch even though you would not approach him. He could have just said "well F off then". He didn't. He sounds like a decent enough person and is sorry he hurt you.

    All this deleting yourself from whatsapp groups without explanation so that people have to ask if you are alright is naked attention seeking. Sorry, maybe you don't realise it, but that's what it is. And you won't approach the one person you are angry with, and are instead involving everyone else in your issue by being silent. Maybe it's just me but I don't see what there is to be supportive of? I have had rows with friends before, have fallen out with friends, I never involved anyone else, because it had nothing to do with them. You are being very childish about this.

    You either want to be friends with these people or you don't. There is no in between. Either you end your association with these lads entirely and cut loose, or you accept this lad's apology to save face and maintain a friendship with the guys in the group that you do like, and maybe keep your distance from this one.

    You're going to come off looking worse out of this if you keep this passive-aggressive stuff up. Give it over and decide whether you want these friends or not. They are only going to stick around for so long before they no longer want any part in your tiff, and then it will no longer be your choice, they'll have made it for you.


  • #54
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    corklily05 wrote: »
    He also admitted things got out of hand and by the looks of things he's showing a little regret.

    Jesus this is just getting way OTT on your part mate.

    Fair play to you for standing up for yourself. Sounds like doing that was new for you. Youve made your point.

    But, people make mistakes. He even owned up to it. Yet, youre still letting it all niggle you. It sounds very controlling on your part. And you are not the forgiving type it seems. That's even more dangerous than someone being an arse.


  • #55
    votecounts
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,624 ✭✭✭votecounts


    Sorry to say this, but he apologised and you refuse to let it go. Seems you don't like the man and want any issue to have drama. As for the weddings, a lot people just stay the one night, I know i do for the vast majority.


  • #56
    corklily05
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭corklily05


    A lot of people saying here that its drama i'm looking for ad i'm taking it to far. Fair enough, that's why i asked for your opinion. I am not in anyway an attention seeker and i absolutely hate drama. I've my mind made up and i text him already, i'm not going to bother attending his stag or his wedding. Why should i? I'll turn up with a gift to hand over to him when i don't really like him? Not a chance!

    As for the other lads, i have no issue with them and i look forward to meeting them, i'm not going to tar them all with the one brush but at my age i'm not going to associate myself with somebody who makes me feel like sh!t in front of my friends. There has to be a reason why he picked me out of a group of 15 people sitting around a table. I know for a fact there's people in the group that he wouldn't do this to ever.

    He did this to feel good about himself at my expense, i told him not to bother sending me an invitation, there is a possibility through other friends that i'll be talking to this guy again but i'm keeping him at arms length for now. I'm probably not expressing myself properly on this and i'll struggle to make the wedding anyway because of exams.


  • #57
    valoren
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,514 ✭✭✭valoren


    When you do run into him again in the group, I'd keep a cool head. You've told him why you can't go. That's that. It's your decision. If he tries to bring up what happened at Christmas then ask "Oh yeah, what the **** was that about anyway?" It's unfair to claim this is attention seeking/dramatics.

    You didn't start the slagging. Your friend made a foray into giving you abuse, openly stating that you weren't invited to his wedding and it has backfired on him with you staying clear and his rep in the group taking a hit. He started it and to go forward you will need to speak to him about that. Had he not done what he did to instigate this, you may well have been going to the stag as a compromise but not the wedding due to exams.

    Can you not meet alone for a drink to talk it out? He took the time to contact and give an explanation, he might wish to reconcile or apologise. You sense some regret from him. He might be appalled at his behavior. Maybe look to arrange that and get to the bottom of things? You either succeed in stopping further slagging or you may well have another flare up and fall out but you'll at least have some closure, know you were upfront and direct and your buddy is either a perma-prick or someone who has respect for you going forward.


  • #58
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    corklily05 wrote: »
    I am not in anyway an attention seeker and i absolutely hate drama.

    Then stop deleting yourself from whatsapp groups without explanation and expecting the other lads to ask you what's wrong. That is dramatic and attention-seeking, whether you realise you're doing it or not.

    You're deleting yourself from the groups, knowing that those lads will think "what's up with Corklily??" and will contact you asking what the story is. You made it clear you were hoping they would relay your feelings to him, you were confused as to why he didn't approach you, even though you hadn't contacted him yourself. I guarantee he copped that this is what you were doing, so he didn't rise to it. That's why you never heard from him til now.

    That's exactly what you were doing, you've done it twice now like. I'm not saying this to have a go at you, I'm saying it for your own good because people will get tired of that kind of carry on quite quickly and it's not a good habit to make.

    I don't think you should be friends with this guy anyway, or go to his wedding, but you are making this waaayyyyy more complicated than it should be. All you had to do in the first place was make your excuses and scale back your contact with him.

    Either way I wish you luck, sincerely. This needn't have been this complicated and you could save yourself a lot of hassle in future by being more straightforward.


  • #59
    corklily05
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭corklily05


    OK, i took all messages on board and spoke to a person on the phone who'll be impartial on this. I also forwarded him on the text. He encouraged me to text him back outlining what happened at christmas p!ssed me off but its workload that prevents me from attending his stag. I made it clear that it wasn't totally him but the incident was the straw that broke the camels back.

    I told him that i felt i was the butt of the joke and i just needed some time away. I got it off my chest now, i want to be clear that i did not delete myself off the whats app group for attention, i needed a break from the sh!te talk that goes on and i wanted to make it clear that i will not go crawling back for more from anybody.


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