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Accidentally lost my best friend!!!!

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  • 23-04-2021 3:11pm
    #1
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭


    I more or less lost my best friend over 10 years ago and it still hurts! We were like brothers all through school, we always made sure that we kept in contact when we finished school, even when we went to different colleges, we still sacrificed at least one day a month to meet up, regardless of the distance, or other plans that could have interfered at the time, we would go away on holidays together and we have an abundance of happy memories that I cherish dearly.

    Anyway, about 10 years ago we were out on a messy night out. There was a woman that I was into at the time, later in the night I found out that she wasn’t into me, but she was into my friend who later told me that he was also into her. I got jealous and decided to interfere when they were both getting closer and I completely cockblocked him and took him outside. It was a spontaneous decision, I just got hit with a large portion of jealously! He was overly angry and I presume that she was too and there was also a lot of alcohol involved.

    I never in a million years thought that particular night would be the end of our friendship, but sadly years and years of friendship just got washed away because of my abrupt interference. He remained angry and I remained heavily embarrassed and afterwards we saw very little of one another, only the occasional school reunion and we would chat, very briefly though, and it was clear that things were still overly awkward.

    Perhaps I should have told him at the beginning of that messy night that I was into her, but I didn’t and now I massively regret it and I often try to replay that night differently and always wonder what could have been.

    I agree that I was young and immature at the time and I wasn’t thinking properly. I guess I only realized that night that I’m not good in those type of situations and I should have accepted that they would have presumably ended up together that night and maybe beyond.

    I was half thinking about contacting him again after all these years. We’re still contacts on Facebook, but we haven’t chatted in years, just to see if there was any way that he would be willing to meet up and maybe even laugh off what happened. I was thinking about saying something like this “Hey, I’m sorry about everything that happened, I was young at the time……” but I’m still uncertain if I should do it and to be fair I'm still embarrassed over the whole episode.

    It’s clear that our friendship is badly fractured and I have accepted that I’ve almost fully lost a great friend, but I still feel like it would help me a lot to meet him for a coffee and explain my side of the story because I was never really given a chance, just to see if he can understand things from my angle and see if there is even a slight spark that could help us restart our friendship properly.

    I really hated losing him, especially such a good friend, and it really hurts that we both went different directions in our lives when there was a time that he clearly would have been my best man at my wedding. I guess things could have been done better and I will always admit that I messed up that night.

    Sometimes I just want to call him up and have a chat for hours and hours like we used to do and tell him about my progression over the last few years and listen to his stories, just like old times.

    How does that sound? Is it too ambitious asking to mend the cracks and try to resume our friendship again or whatever is left of our friendship? Is it possible for a friendship to resume after 10 years apart? Isn’t it unfortunate that one bad decision can badly damage a friendship?
    Tagged:


«1

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    #2
    Yurt2
    Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    Seen some of my male friends fall out over a woman before. Needless to say, the woman is long gone (think she lives in NY married to a finance hotshot). I presume this woman has disappeared into the ether as well.

    Sad and unnecessary.


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    #3
    Gregor Samsa
    Registered Users Posts: 8,908 ✭✭✭Gregor Samsa


    No harm in reaching out to him. But be warned - the two of you will be very different people to who you were 10 years ago. There's no guarantee that even if he's willing to accept your apology that you'll just be able to pick things back up from where you left them.


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    #4
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,527 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Not sure one instance of “cock blocking” would result in losing any of my friends for good. You sure there wasn’t more going on with your mate?

    The tide is turning…



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    #5
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭stlucia2021


    Gregor Samsa wrote: »
    No harm in reaching out to him. But be warned - the two of you will be very different people to who you were 10 years ago. There's no guarantee that even if he's willing to accept your apology that you'll just be able to pick things back up from where you left them.

    Agree, we are both completely different people now, much more mature


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    #6
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭stlucia2021


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    Not sure one instance of “cock blocking” would result in losing any of my friends for good. You sure there wasn’t more going on with your mate?

    That was more or less it, I wish I could turn back time


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    #7
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭stlucia2021


    Yurt! wrote: »
    Seen some of my male friends fall out over a woman before. Needless to say, the woman is long gone (think she lives in NY married to a finance hotshot). I presume this woman has disappeared into the ether as well.

    Sad and unnecessary.

    Yeah,she more or less disappeared into the distance after that night


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    #8
    The Mighty Quinn
    Registered Users Posts: 1,228 ✭✭✭The Mighty Quinn


    Seems a wee bit of an overreaction to end a supposedly strong friendship over that. Maybe you'd run your course anyway, even unknownst to you, and that was the final nail in the coffin for yer man.

    People grow apart when living away from each other. It could have happened anyway. I'd some great friends in secondary school and at start of college. Many of them i've not seen or heard from in a decade by now.


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    #9
    Cienciano
    Registered Users Posts: 14,226 ✭✭✭✭Cienciano


    It's sad that these things happen. The fact that you're not in the same social circles anymore means you've nothing to lose if you contact him and try and explain. So you might as well do it. But don't think the friendship is ever the same. Sounds like now is also a bad time to do it. For the friendship to heal in any way, you need to meet up, have a few beers and talk about the old days before that night. A message on facebook is nothing without the meet up imho.


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    #10
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Suppose similar in a way.

    Best friend ever had, done a hell of a lot together including lots of work.

    Out one night he was chasing a few women, anyway this one wasn't anything special and had been with much much better....

    Long story short he ended up with her, I would call over to his house, still in parents but he wouldn't be there or not text back etc, knew then called over one day as was near there every day anyway up until this and his mum answers oh he isn't here just gone out only for him to arrive at top of stairs after getting out of the shower looking for a top she ironed.

    I could see his mum was embarrassed and he was like oh hey what's the story, oh I'm heading straight out I'll ring ya after or text.

    Never heard from him again.

    The only thing I said on the night out was the 2nd time he met her, he wanted me to tag along and he asked what I think of her, she seems nice but not the best looking you ever had, as we would usually chat.

    Turns out he stuck with her had a kid, she quit her job lived off him, family bet him and his brother around and they were only together 3 years or so, I'm still great friends with the brother but it was this lad I done near everything with and as i said loads of work too where I'd help.them out any time of day or night and many a night arrive home at 1 or 2am and be in my own job in the morning.

    Such is life.


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    #11
    Hyperbollix
    Registered Users Posts: 922 ✭✭✭Hyperbollix


    You can try it as you've nothing to lose and it will put to bed the "what if" factor that's obviously been bugging you for years. At the very least you will be able to move on from it.

    IMO, there's not much going back from years of radio silence like that. I speak from lots of experience. A friendship (even a matey male friendship that's more based on having a laugh than anything else) is still about mutual respect and a bit of trust. If a lifelong companion just cuts you off, or you him for that amount of time, you've both established that you'd didn't place that much importance in it in the first place, so why bother.

    I've had something very similar in the last couple of years. I had a friend who was like a brother since school and we just grew apart more and more as we hit 30. It peetered out to nothing about 5 years ago. We met up again a couple of times last year through someone else but it was incredible to see how different we both were. There was no going back. It's sad but that's life.


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    #12
    Tazium
    Registered Users Posts: 899 ✭✭✭Tazium


    Being in AfterHours will definitely bring about the best advice. If the OP is real, then do reach out with the intent to bridge the gap. Only one thing to offer, don't use the excuse of being young at the time.

    Good luck


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    #13
    I see sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 1,657 ✭✭✭I see sheep


    If you apologised after it happened and he was still annoyed then feck him.
    This kind of thing happened all the time with me and my friends. We'd just laugh about it the next day.


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    #14
    Your Face
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,277 ✭✭✭Your Face


    I'd say leave it be. Its 10 years ago and tbh your former friend sounds like a bitch.
    You did tell him you were into this woman - he didn't seem to care about that.
    As a result you cock-blocked him but he gets upset about that.
    He cant take the hits.


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    #15
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    If ever a post needed a TL/DR this was it.


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    #16
    weemcd
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭weemcd


    Never too late OP if you decide to get in contact.

    Just be aware you might get an indifferent response, or no response at all. It might go the other way and you get a warm response, but consider both possible outcomes.

    Good luck. I hope it goes well. Life's too short to fall out with people, there's enough cùnts in the world. If you could even get to neutral with this person it would be a plus relative to where you are now.

    Let us know. I'm in your corner 100%


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    #17
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I’d wait until the pubs re-open and see then if he’d meet up somewhere where you both could retreat with grace easily if it didn’t go too well. I had a similar friend who I lost contact with as we went to different colleges and then I emigrated - out paths occasionally cross and it usually involves a gig or an event or both being out with different groups in a restaurant & we laugh and catch up & chat standing there for hours - and then go our seperate ways! Making it too formal and structured and serious would be a mistake IMO but the covid could ve an easy excuse to re-connect. I would also be an easy excuse for him not to reconnect thou for genuine health fears or other reasons. You could wait til the beergardens/ pubs are open and say - hey , I was thinking about past friendships over the lockdown and was always really sorry we fell out - I’ll be in X place on X &Y days - would you fancy a quick beer/catchup! Might put your mind at rest and give him a chance to forever close or open a door.


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    #18
    RobertKK
    Registered Users Posts: 33,727 ✭✭✭✭RobertKK


    If someone is a true friend then there has to be absolute trust.
    This is where the biggest issue is, you broke trust between the both of you. You know the woman didn't like you even though you liked her, you knew she liked your friend and rather than being happy for your friend, you acted like his enemy.

    Maybe time can heal it but I would not be too sure the trust can be restored.
    This is the biggest problem and whether both are on the same page elsewhere in life.


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    #19
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,201 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    Closed and moved to PI

    Read the local charter, local mods will review before deciding to reopen or not

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



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    #20
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,927 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Thread reopened.

    Posters are reminded that in Personal Issues replies to threads should offer constructive advice in a civil manner to an OP to try and help them resolve their issue.

    The Charter can be found here. Please read before replying, particularly if you have never posted here before.

    Thanks

    HS


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    #21
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    I don't see what you have to lose by making contact with him. Be warned though - the outcome might not be what you want.

    Even though you behaved badly on the night, his behaviour makes me wonder were you really the good buddies you think you were? Part of me wonders was it the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it a convenient excuse for him to reduce contact with you? 10 years is a long time so maybe time is a healer. People's lives change a lot in 10 years as well though, especially when you're in your 20s and 30s. Even if he forgives and forgets, you and he will never be friends in the way you were were when you were young guys. You're older and have other commitments now (partner/kids/family/work). It's not going to be a young guy's friendship. He might never be able to fully forget how you behaved on that night and forgive you. It's the old cliché about a bell that can't be unrung or a broken plate that will never be fully restored to its original state. If you decide to reach out to him, be careful not to go into too much "me me me, look how I have progressed" talk. That's pretty self-indulgent and off-putting.


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    #22
    85603
    Registered Users Posts: 1,184 ✭✭✭85603


    an apology is a good start but really you owe him reparations.

    get the wig.


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    #23
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Yellow card for 85306 for inappropriate post in Personal Issues.


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    #24
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭stlucia2021


    Tork wrote: »
    I don't see what you have to lose by making contact with him. Be warned though - the outcome might not be what you want.

    Even though you behaved badly on the night, his behaviour makes me wonder were you really the good buddies you think you were? Part of me wonders was it the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it a convenient excuse for him to reduce contact with you? 10 years is a long time so maybe time is a healer. People's lives change a lot in 10 years as well though, especially when you're in your 20s and 30s. Even if he forgives and forgets, you and he will never be friends in the way you were were when you were young guys. You're older and have other commitments now (partner/kids/family/work). It's not going to be a young guy's friendship. He might never be able to fully forget how you behaved on that night and forgive you. It's the old cliché about a bell that can't be unrung or a broken plate that will never be fully restored to its original state. If you decide to reach out to him, be careful not to go into too much "me me me, look how I have progressed" talk. That's pretty self-indulgent and off-putting.

    Hopefully you're right, time could easily be a healer


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    #25
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A decade is a chasm that is nearly impossible to bridge, move on. You're only hurting yourself pining over the past. We've all made mistakes on the sauce, don't let that one define you. There are lads I was tight with growing up, we drifted apart in our twenties as personalities and priorities evolved. Bumping into them in recent years has only confirmed our differences, a quick cordial natter and nothing more. I don't lament their absence, and the feeling is mutual. Life sometimes gets in the way, call it "destiny" or some other intangible. I prioritise the here and now, and that includes those who are in my present circle. Changing the past is the most futile thing in the world, accept and own any errors of judgment made. You've learned some valuable lessons, that's good enough. I guarantee you'll feel lighter for letting go.


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    #26
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    stlucia2021 wrote: »
    Hopefully you're right, time could easily be a healer

    It can but I wouldn't be getting my hopes up if I was you. While your behaviour was out of order, there is nothing coming from his side to suggest he wants to make up. I assume you tried apologising at the time and that those words fell on deaf ears. 10 years is a long time and he will have moved on and made new friends etc. The question is, have you? What is your motivation for trying to resurrect this?


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    #27
    stlucia2021
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭stlucia2021


    Tork wrote: »
    It can but I wouldn't be getting my hopes up if I was you. While your behaviour was out of order, there is nothing coming from his side to suggest he wants to make up. I assume you tried apologising at the time and that those words fell on deaf ears. 10 years is a long time and he will have moved on and made new friends etc. The question is, have you? What is your motivation for trying to resurrect this?

    I apologized on the night, but we never actually spoke about it again, even though we only saw one another a handful of times afterwards, though very brief encounters.

    I've just had a lot more time to think about things recently because of the lockdown and I was feeling a bit nostalgic.


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    #28
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    stlucia2021 wrote: »
    I apologized on the night, but we never actually spoke about it again, even though we only saw one another a handful of times afterwards, though very brief encounters.

    I've just had a lot more time to think about things recently because of the lockdown and I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

    Could very well be - and maybe he is thinking the same thing too. I had someone do this to me YEARS ago - it really bothered me because they had a LT partner and were practically engaged - they did it because they could and felt they could ‘win’. I held it against them for years - not because of the person but because of the principle - I’d even said it to them at the time but they laughed it off and that hurt even more. Thou we had a few nights out since that over the years things drifted as we both moved to different countries & drifted away. Oddly we reconnected over FB over non-related forward looking plans and pictures - maybe it takes a pandemic!? If your friend was bitter or a bit insecure or less lucky in love maybe that has changed now too and he can look back and put it behind you both & rekindle a second friendship. I’d say it’s worth a try. He might feel the exact same but feel it is up to you to make the first attempt - & I’d do it when beergardens are open or outdoor sit down cafes.


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    #29
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Zero harm in reaching out. If he didn’t end up marrying this woman then I doubt he’s still angry and most people are receptive to messages like this.

    But also, as has been pointed out already, he’s a different person to the one you knew and may not be up for just picking up where you left off. I’ve got friends that I’ve drifted from who I’d be open to hearing from and putting to bed any differences we may have had, or just be on generally good terms with, but there are very VERY few I’d go to any effort for beyond a few pleasant texts. I like keeping my circle full of a small group of close, good friends these days and even at that struggle to talk or check in with them as much as I’d like. Most people past a certain age are the same, especially once marriage and kids and all that stuff happens. So while there’s a good chance you’ll get closure, there’s only a very small chance you’re going to pick up and start going for pints again with any regularity.


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    #30
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    stlucia2021 wrote: »

    Anyway, about 10 years ago we were out on a messy night out.

    Was it messy for him too or were you one of those annoying lads who can't hold their drink but insist on overdoing it anyhow etc?

    One of the things I've noticed about male friendships is men tend to winnow out the lads who are too much hassle/are dickheads over the years. No one needs the grief they cause, so, imo you should re-evaluate the years preceding the split to see if there were any times you were causing grief for him before that.

    Anyhow, the above probably seems very mean but I hope it works out for you and your mate. True friendship is a precious thing and should be minded.


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    #31
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Move on*. The time to address this issue has long since passed.

    You didn't "accidentally" lose this friend. You were both free to ask this girl out back in the day, he got there first and she accepted. He did nothing wrong and you chose to try and sabotage the situation rather than be happy for your friend.

    That is not how a "best" friend would act. If you were best friends, even "just" good friends, you wouldn't have done what you did, and you would have apologised at the time.

    I'm aware this seems very critical, so I'll just say your "crime" wasn't exactly that major in the grand scheme of things. But I do believe your interference at the time combined with your lack of attempt to make amends in the immediate aftermath should tell you something about the true size and strength of that friendship. He stonewalled you and you accepted that for years. You let the friendship die. And based on what happened, the onus was on you to make things right.

    *The friendship, as you knew it back then, is dead in the water. I would encourage you to reach out to him but do so in the "now" rather than as an attempt to pick up from where you left off. Say hello, ask how things are going? Covid small talk (ugh..), nothing too serious. From there maybe you and him might reopen a regular / semi-regular dialogue, and maybe you will become friends again. I wouldn't address the thing from 10 years ago unless you become friends again. As for right now though, you and him are effectively strangers, both with 10 years life experience and maturity in the mental bank. You're the same people but different versions of the same people.


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