Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Accidentally lost my best friend!!!!

2»

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    Move on*. The time to address this issue has long since passed.

    You didn't "accidentally" lose this friend. You were both free to ask this girl out back in the day, he got there first and she accepted. He did nothing wrong and you chose to try and sabotage the situation rather than be happy for your friend.

    That is not how a "best" friend would act. If you were best friends, even "just" good friends, you wouldn't have done what you did, and you would have apologised at the time.

    Very true, he didn't actually do anything wrong at all, it was me and my jealousy that got in the way, I regret it, but sadly I wasn't in any way thinking straight at the time


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    I never understand the 'I should have told him I was in to her mentality', that's purely incidental, if the girl isn't in to you then it's disappointing but you step aside. I've seen people come to blows over imaginary relationships that do not exist and ego. One friend complained bitterly that a friend made a move on someone in a bar when 'they knew I liked her' well she preferred the other person tough ****, we do not have claims over others.

    And all the people on this thread saying 'the girl is long gone now' as if to say 'oh fickle women again'. It's not her fault.

    'He was overly angry'.... 'maybe even laugh off'.
    That just reveals that you still don't think it was your fault, which it was, you were controlling and obviously aggressive.

    'meet him for a coffee and explain my side of the story because I was never really given a chance'

    It's his fault again because he didn't allow you to explain your irrational behaviour.

    And then you say you want to apologise but it isn't an apology. 'I was young at the time……'

    An apology is unreserved and without qualification, you fully take responsibility and you don't make any excuses. Even the title is an excuse. 'Accidentally lost my best friend', it didn't seem accidental at all you were jealous and you acted, that is deliberate.

    'It’s clear that our friendship is badly fractured and I have accepted that I’ve almost fully lost a great friend'.

    It's clear that you don't have a friendship and being concerned about it 10 years later is too late quite frankly, you should have been concerned about it immediately. After 10 years I would leave him alone, if he isn't interested at school reunions then leave him be and do yourself a favour and really take ownership of mistakes and learn from them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    cloudatlas wrote: »

    'He was overly angry'.... 'maybe even laugh off'.
    That just reveals that you still don't think it was your fault, which it was, you were controlling and obviously aggressive.

    if was definitely my fault, I'll always admit it, and everyone who was there to witness it all will also point out that I was in the wrong! I guess the whole laughing things off part is just a last attempt at trying to approach things differently and to see if there is a funny side to all of this, maybe it will seem funny now, even after all these years, I don't really know how things look from his side after all these years, still, even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,217 ✭✭✭Tork


    ...even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.

    So why do you want to try and build bridges with your former friend? I get the feeling there is something you're not telling us.

    After reading your latest update I've changed my mind about making contact I think it'd be wiser to leave things as they are. With the way you're now telling this story, you're going to talk yourself into more trouble. You seem to think making a joke about it would go down well, whereas I think that would get a poor reception from this guy. You're also absolving yourself of all responsibility for this incident. "If it was definitely my fault" is very wishy washy. Nothing short of "I'm sorry, I was an absolute arse on the night" will do but I don't believe you are genuinely sorry. Rebuilding bridges is a hard sell at the best of times and if your motives aren't genuine you'll be seen through. My guess is that you're short of mates and your attention has turned to this old friend. I also doubt very much that you'll ever be close friends again. That ship has long since sailed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    still, even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.

    This quote also irked me a bit for the same reasons as above. On one hand you’re saying it was your fault...so why would you not trust him? If it was your fault then you don’t get to control how he reacts. If you wrong someone, they’re entitled to be done with you if that’s what they want. It’s **** when that happens but still your ‘lack of trust’ implies that you think he did something, which means you’re still holding a grudge and stewing over this and, as said, if that’s the case it probably won’t go well as these things have a way of coming out.

    Also OP, I’m going to just say it: this is a bit odd and I don’t think this is all about your former friend tbh, I think that’s just how you’ve chosen to direct whatever it is you’re feeling. I kinda got it at first but the depth in which you’re focusing on this ancient history is abnormal. When I think back to people I hung out with 10 years ago, I mean yeah I suppose I get a little sad that close friendships didn’t last the rest of time, but it doesn’t impact me because I’ve got a full life now and plenty of friends as it is. I barely remember the little dramas like you describe from those days, and the ones I do remember I don’t feel anything but a bit of nostalgia for.

    Life moves on. And if I’m being honest, I feel like you haven’t and are maybe missing having this closeness with someone and are seeing reuniting with this friend as the best chance of getting that back. But also you’re still clearly hurt by him ditching you and there’s some resentment there. I’d say your best course of action is being honest with yourself here about what you want because hanging onto this strong emotion for someone who probably just considers you a distant memory isn’t likely to go well. If it’s more friends or 1-2 close mates you want, acknowledge that and put yourself in positions where that can happen. Move forward instead of looking backwards.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    Tork wrote: »
    So why do you want to try and build bridges with your former friend? I get the feeling there is something you're not telling us.

    After reading your latest update I've changed my mind about making contact I think it'd be wiser to leave things as they are. With the way you're now telling this story, you're going to talk yourself into more trouble. You seem to think making a joke about it would go down well, whereas I think that would get a poor reception from this guy. You're also absolving yourself of all responsibility for this incident. "If it was definitely my fault" is very wishy washy. Nothing short of "I'm sorry, I was an absolute arse on the night" will do but I don't believe you are genuinely sorry. Rebuilding bridges is a hard sell at the best of times and if your motives aren't genuine you'll be seen through. My guess is that you're short of mates and your attention has turned to this old friend. I also doubt very much that you'll ever be close friends again. That ship has long since sailed.

    I feel like I misworded my previous comment, what I meant to say more clearly, and I'm not sure how it came across, is that there is a lack of trust from me, I'm clearly not really the type of person that he can trust and I'm sure that he had realized it.

    You're probably right, using the (laughing things off strategy) will probably not go down well, I guess I was just flirting with some ideas which, more than likely, won't/can't work and maybe just overthinking when clearly there's nothing that can/will work properly

    I'm genuinely sorry, I've been a mess thinking about it over the years, I would do absolutely anything to wash that night away, if I was to be gifted with a magic lamp, but lessons had been learnt after that night.

    The ship has sailed and life can be irritating at times, saying that, I wish him all the best and hope that he has been well and successful over the last 10 years


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Do you mean that there’s a lack of trust from him? That would be far more understandable, your last message is confusing.

    Making a laugh of something that another person is angry about is never a good move - it trivialises their anger, and says to them that you don’t take their anger seriously. Referring to the incident as ‘accidentally’ losing your best friend also trivialises his hurt and your role in it.

    Could the night in question have been the last straw with your friend putting up with your behaviour, or were you acting completely out of character?


  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    leggo wrote: »
    This quote also irked me a bit for the same reasons as above. On one hand you’re saying it was your fault...so why would you not trust him? If it was your fault then you don’t get to control how he reacts. If you wrong someone, they’re entitled to be done with you if that’s what they want. It’s **** when that happens but still your ‘lack of trust’ implies that you think he did something, which means you’re still holding a grudge and stewing over this and, as said, if that’s the case it probably won’t go well as these things have a way of coming out.

    Also OP, I’m going to just say it: this is a bit odd and I don’t think this is all about your former friend tbh, I think that’s just how you’ve chosen to direct whatever it is you’re feeling. I kinda got it at first but the depth in which you’re focusing on this ancient history is abnormal. When I think back to people I hung out with 10 years ago, I mean yeah I suppose I get a little sad that close friendships didn’t last the rest of time, but it doesn’t impact me because I’ve got a full life now and plenty of friends as it is. I barely remember the little dramas like you describe from those days, and the ones I do remember I don’t feel anything but a bit of nostalgia for.

    Life moves on. And if I’m being honest, I feel like you haven’t and are maybe missing having this closeness with someone and are seeing reuniting with this friend as the best chance of getting that back. But also you’re still clearly hurt by him ditching you and there’s some resentment there. I’d say your best course of action is being honest with yourself here about what you want because hanging onto this strong emotion for someone who probably just considers you a distant memory isn’t likely to go well. If it’s more friends or 1-2 close mates you want, acknowledge that and put yourself in positions where that can happen. Move forward instead of looking backwards.

    I feel like I misworded the previous post, I meant to say that there's a lack of trust there and I'm clearly not the type of person that he trusts and rightly so, my error, I was in the wrong and I can use excuses all day long, like I was young, I was drunk.......but clearly excuses don't work for my behavior that night.

    You're right, I will move forward and I ought to grow up and stop looking at the past.I'm determined to make new friends after the Coronavirus, I do miss him a lot, but I still feel like the best option is to close the chapter.

    It's good going to these forums and the feedback is always rewarding and really got me thinking a lot. I appreciate the feedback


  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    Do you mean that there’s a lack of trust from him? That would be far more understandable, your last message is confusing.

    Making a laugh of something that another person is angry about is never a good move - it trivialises their anger, and says to them that you don’t take their anger seriously.

    Could the night in question have been the last straw with your friend putting up with your behaviour, or were you acting completely out of character?

    My behavior that night was astounding, drinking like crazy, vodka, beer, wine, shot after shot after shot, I'm not trying to deflect the blame onto alcohol, it was all an absolute mess and one that I've been lucky not to have repeated, even after all these years.

    With regard to previous problems prior to the night with my former best friend, not that I can recall. We never really argued a lot before that, we never fell out before that, we always had a special bond and mutual respect, nothing out of the ordinary


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    You're right, I will move forward and I ought to grow up and stop looking at the past.I'm determined to make new friends after the Coronavirus, I do miss him a lot, but I still feel like the best option is to close the chapter.

    You need to let yourself off the hook for what happened a decade ago too, I’d be shocked if your former friend even thinks about it. It’s fairly routine **** that happens in your teens/20’s. Whatever situation you’re in that has you feeling this way, it’s not down to what happened on that one fateful night, your entire life wouldn’t have turned out differently if you’d have handled it another way.

    Also worth keeping in mind is that you’re far from alone in feeling alone and isolated during COVID. The entire planet is feeling some variation of that. A LOT of people have been forced to confront harsh truths when distractions were taken away. But in doing so there’s an opportunity to take responsibility, then take control, and turn things around. And look at the day that’s in it: now you even have a roadmap for when you can start doing so. So if I were you I’d use the next few weeks to look at what you want your life to be going forward, then as the world opens back up make it a reality. When you do that, friends and everything else will naturally follow.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 3,217 ✭✭✭Tork


    I think you're missing more than your friend - you're harking back to a stage of your life that many of us have nostalgia for. A time when you could head out for a night on the town or a spontaneous day out with your friends and not have to worry about partners or kids or any of the other grown-up stuff that comes our way as we get older. Your friendship, or the ending of it, is tied in with that time.

    I'm older than you and have managed to hold onto some of the friends I made at school and college. But, and this is a big but, none of these friendships are as close as they were when we were all teenagers or in our twenties. It's inevitable because we've all gone our separate ways and have formed relationships, had families or live different lives now. I still chat and message my old friends which is nice but I know I've moved down the pecking order and I'm at peace with that. I don't live in my home town any more and sometimes when I'm back, I bump into old schoolfriends. More often than not, we have little in common any more. In other words, you're expecting too much from an expected reconciliation. You haven't said what your old friend is doing now but it's likely he now has an other half and maybe a family or other friends. 10 years is a long time and he will have long since moved on from that night.


  • Registered Users Posts: 685 ✭✭✭PmMeUrDogs


    My childhood/school best friend did something small to me back when we were about 19, and for me it was the final straw and I cut her off, but still have each other on socials. We're in our thirties now.

    She now lives abroad, but right next to where my sibling lives. Last time I visited my sibling, she reached out when she saw I was there, and asked to meet up for a drink.

    She apologized for what had happened years ago, and honestly, I really appreciated it. We had a lovely time catching up. We agreed next time I visit my sibling, I'm gonna allocate a couple of extra days to come stay with her as well to hang out.


    We will never be best friends, our lives are completely different now and we're very different people, but honestly, I love that we're back in contact and I will always appreciate and respect the apology.


    It may not work out the same way with your old friend, but I'm genuinely glad she reached out to me. I say there's no harm in giving a genuine apology, but none of the bull of "I was young." Own what you did, with no excuses or anything else, just an apology.


    And remember he does not have to accept it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,709 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.

    He did the same to me in our late 20s.

    We're in our late 40s now and were both each other's best man.

    Cockblocking / stupid stuff / hitting on girls that each other liked when drunk - it happens. It can certainly test a friendship.

    But, it's doubtful that anything that minor would destroy a good / strong / old friendship.




    You're living in the past with some silly guilt over a drunken night out. A Dark Cloud Hovering over you? Because of some silly thing you did a decade ago?


    TORK makes a lot of sense in that post.

    If I contacted some of my old great friends from my 20s who I haven't seen in 10 years and asked them out for a pint (I'm thinking college friends, old good work pals, hobby friends) - they'd probably be a bit surprised. We'd meet, shoot the ****, say "we must do this again soon" and then we'd both know that that wouldn't really happen because there's a reason (or a few reasons) why we haven't been in touch in years.

    Those reasons could be: we lost the common bond of college / we're not spending 9-5 in each others company / we don't have a hobby in common any more... we have other friends / family / partners and things going on.



    To think that you could retrieve a best friendship and have the same as you had is a bit naive OP.

    Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


    Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.


  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    zoobizoo wrote: »
    I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.
    Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


    Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.

    Actually, I moved abroad a good few years ago and rarely came home, only for the occasional wedding or quick trip, so this time, I've been home for longer than expected because of the pandemic, something that I didn't even plan, but current situation is out of my control.

    This time, I've been able to walk around the old areas that I used to, go back to old spots that I hadn't visited for years, places that I'd completely forgotten about because it had been so long.

    Most of my best friends, that I would currently consider to be close to me now are overseas, I have a few good friends in Ireland, but only a fraction when compared to those that I lived with or worked with overseas.


  • Registered Users Posts: 16 stlucia2021


    zoobizoo wrote: »
    I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.

    He did the same to me in our late 20s.

    We're in our late 40s now and were both each other's best man.

    Cockblocking / stupid stuff / hitting on girls that each other liked when drunk - it happens. It can certainly test a friendship.

    But, it's doubtful that anything that minor would destroy a good / strong / old friendship.




    You're living in the past with some silly guilt over a drunken night out. A Dark Cloud Hovering over you? Because of some silly thing you did a decade ago?


    TORK makes a lot of sense in that post.

    If I contacted some of my old great friends from my 20s who I haven't seen in 10 years and asked them out for a pint (I'm thinking college friends, old good work pals, hobby friends) - they'd probably be a bit surprised. We'd meet, shoot the ****, say "we must do this again soon" and then we'd both know that that wouldn't really happen because there's a reason (or a few reasons) why we haven't been in touch in years.

    Those reasons could be: we lost the common bond of college / we're not spending 9-5 in each others company / we don't have a hobby in common any more... we have other friends / family / partners and things going on.



    To think that you could retrieve a best friendship and have the same as you had is a bit naive OP.

    Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


    Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.
    PmMeUrDogs wrote: »
    My childhood/school best friend did something small to me back when we were about 19, and for me it was the final straw and I cut her off, but still have each other on socials. We're in our thirties now.

    She now lives abroad, but right next to where my sibling lives. Last time I visited my sibling, she reached out when she saw I was there, and asked to meet up for a drink.

    She apologized for what had happened years ago, and honestly, I really appreciated it. We had a lovely time catching up. We agreed next time I visit my sibling, I'm gonna allocate a couple of extra days to come stay with her as well to hang out.


    We will never be best friends, our lives are completely different now and we're very different people, but honestly, I love that we're back in contact and I will always appreciate and respect the apology.


    It may not work out the same way with your old friend, but I'm genuinely glad she reached out to me. I say there's no harm in giving a genuine apology, but none of the bull of "I was young." Own what you did, with no excuses or anything else, just an apology.


    And remember he does not have to accept it.

    That's exactly the type of scenario that I'd be looking for


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,759 ✭✭✭sporina


    give it a shot - the worst he can say is not interested or ignore you.. nothing to loose by trying.


Advertisement