Accidentally lost my best friend!!!!

stlucia2021

I more or less lost my best friend over 10 years ago and it still hurts! We were like brothers all through school, we always made sure that we kept in contact when we finished school, even when we went to different colleges, we still sacrificed at least one day a month to meet up, regardless of the distance, or other plans that could have interfered at the time, we would go away on holidays together and we have an abundance of happy memories that I cherish dearly.

Anyway, about 10 years ago we were out on a messy night out. There was a woman that I was into at the time, later in the night I found out that she wasn’t into me, but she was into my friend who later told me that he was also into her. I got jealous and decided to interfere when they were both getting closer and I completely cockblocked him and took him outside. It was a spontaneous decision, I just got hit with a large portion of jealously! He was overly angry and I presume that she was too and there was also a lot of alcohol involved.

I never in a million years thought that particular night would be the end of our friendship, but sadly years and years of friendship just got washed away because of my abrupt interference. He remained angry and I remained heavily embarrassed and afterwards we saw very little of one another, only the occasional school reunion and we would chat, very briefly though, and it was clear that things were still overly awkward.

Perhaps I should have told him at the beginning of that messy night that I was into her, but I didn’t and now I massively regret it and I often try to replay that night differently and always wonder what could have been.

I agree that I was young and immature at the time and I wasn’t thinking properly. I guess I only realized that night that I’m not good in those type of situations and I should have accepted that they would have presumably ended up together that night and maybe beyond.

I was half thinking about contacting him again after all these years. We’re still contacts on Facebook, but we haven’t chatted in years, just to see if there was any way that he would be willing to meet up and maybe even laugh off what happened. I was thinking about saying something like this “Hey, I’m sorry about everything that happened, I was young at the time……” but I’m still uncertain if I should do it and to be fair I'm still embarrassed over the whole episode.

It’s clear that our friendship is badly fractured and I have accepted that I’ve almost fully lost a great friend, but I still feel like it would help me a lot to meet him for a coffee and explain my side of the story because I was never really given a chance, just to see if he can understand things from my angle and see if there is even a slight spark that could help us restart our friendship properly.

I really hated losing him, especially such a good friend, and it really hurts that we both went different directions in our lives when there was a time that he clearly would have been my best man at my wedding. I guess things could have been done better and I will always admit that I messed up that night.

Sometimes I just want to call him up and have a chat for hours and hours like we used to do and tell him about my progression over the last few years and listen to his stories, just like old times.

How does that sound? Is it too ambitious asking to mend the cracks and try to resume our friendship again or whatever is left of our friendship? Is it possible for a friendship to resume after 10 years apart? Isn’t it unfortunate that one bad decision can badly damage a friendship?

Yurt2

Seen some of my male friends fall out over a woman before. Needless to say, the woman is long gone (think she lives in NY married to a finance hotshot). I presume this woman has disappeared into the ether as well.

Sad and unnecessary.

Gregor Samsa

No harm in reaching out to him. But be warned - the two of you will be very different people to who you were 10 years ago. There's no guarantee that even if he's willing to accept your apology that you'll just be able to pick things back up from where you left them.

EmmetSpiceland

Not sure one instance of “cock blocking” would result in losing any of my friends for good. You sure there wasn’t more going on with your mate?

stlucia2021

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

No harm in reaching out to him. But be warned - the two of you will be very different people to who you were 10 years ago. There's no guarantee that even if he's willing to accept your apology that you'll just be able to pick things back up from where you left them.

Agree, we are both completely different people now, much more mature

stlucia2021

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not sure one instance of “cock blocking” would result in losing any of my friends for good. You sure there wasn’t more going on with your mate?

That was more or less it, I wish I could turn back time

stlucia2021

Yurt! wrote: »

Seen some of my male friends fall out over a woman before. Needless to say, the woman is long gone (think she lives in NY married to a finance hotshot). I presume this woman has disappeared into the ether as well.

Sad and unnecessary.

Yeah,she more or less disappeared into the distance after that night

The Mighty Quinn

Seems a wee bit of an overreaction to end a supposedly strong friendship over that. Maybe you'd run your course anyway, even unknownst to you, and that was the final nail in the coffin for yer man.

People grow apart when living away from each other. It could have happened anyway. I'd some great friends in secondary school and at start of college. Many of them i've not seen or heard from in a decade by now.

Cienciano

It's sad that these things happen. The fact that you're not in the same social circles anymore means you've nothing to lose if you contact him and try and explain. So you might as well do it. But don't think the friendship is ever the same. Sounds like now is also a bad time to do it. For the friendship to heal in any way, you need to meet up, have a few beers and talk about the old days before that night. A message on facebook is nothing without the meet up imho.

punisher5112

Suppose similar in a way.

Best friend ever had, done a hell of a lot together including lots of work.

Out one night he was chasing a few women, anyway this one wasn't anything special and had been with much much better....

Long story short he ended up with her, I would call over to his house, still in parents but he wouldn't be there or not text back etc, knew then called over one day as was near there every day anyway up until this and his mum answers oh he isn't here just gone out only for him to arrive at top of stairs after getting out of the shower looking for a top she ironed.

I could see his mum was embarrassed and he was like oh hey what's the story, oh I'm heading straight out I'll ring ya after or text.

Never heard from him again.

The only thing I said on the night out was the 2nd time he met her, he wanted me to tag along and he asked what I think of her, she seems nice but not the best looking you ever had, as we would usually chat.

Turns out he stuck with her had a kid, she quit her job lived off him, family bet him and his brother around and they were only together 3 years or so, I'm still great friends with the brother but it was this lad I done near everything with and as i said loads of work too where I'd help.them out any time of day or night and many a night arrive home at 1 or 2am and be in my own job in the morning.

Such is life.

Hyperbollix

You can try it as you've nothing to lose and it will put to bed the "what if" factor that's obviously been bugging you for years. At the very least you will be able to move on from it.

IMO, there's not much going back from years of radio silence like that. I speak from lots of experience. A friendship (even a matey male friendship that's more based on having a laugh than anything else) is still about mutual respect and a bit of trust. If a lifelong companion just cuts you off, or you him for that amount of time, you've both established that you'd didn't place that much importance in it in the first place, so why bother.

I've had something very similar in the last couple of years. I had a friend who was like a brother since school and we just grew apart more and more as we hit 30. It peetered out to nothing about 5 years ago. We met up again a couple of times last year through someone else but it was incredible to see how different we both were. There was no going back. It's sad but that's life.

Tazium

Being in AfterHours will definitely bring about the best advice. If the OP is real, then do reach out with the intent to bridge the gap. Only one thing to offer, don't use the excuse of being young at the time.

Good luck

I see sheep

If you apologised after it happened and he was still annoyed then feck him.
This kind of thing happened all the time with me and my friends. We'd just laugh about it the next day.

Your Face

I'd say leave it be. Its 10 years ago and tbh your former friend sounds like a bitch.
You did tell him you were into this woman - he didn't seem to care about that.
As a result you cock-blocked him but he gets upset about that.
He cant take the hits.

Bob Harris

If ever a post needed a TL/DR this was it.

weemcd

Never too late OP if you decide to get in contact.

Just be aware you might get an indifferent response, or no response at all. It might go the other way and you get a warm response, but consider both possible outcomes.

Good luck. I hope it goes well. Life's too short to fall out with people, there's enough cùnts in the world. If you could even get to neutral with this person it would be a plus relative to where you are now.

Let us know. I'm in your corner 100%

JustAThought

I’d wait until the pubs re-open and see then if he’d meet up somewhere where you both could retreat with grace easily if it didn’t go too well. I had a similar friend who I lost contact with as we went to different colleges and then I emigrated - out paths occasionally cross and it usually involves a gig or an event or both being out with different groups in a restaurant & we laugh and catch up & chat standing there for hours - and then go our seperate ways! Making it too formal and structured and serious would be a mistake IMO but the covid could ve an easy excuse to re-connect. I would also be an easy excuse for him not to reconnect thou for genuine health fears or other reasons. You could wait til the beergardens/ pubs are open and say - hey , I was thinking about past friendships over the lockdown and was always really sorry we fell out - I’ll be in X place on X &Y days - would you fancy a quick beer/catchup! Might put your mind at rest and give him a chance to forever close or open a door.

RobertKK

If someone is a true friend then there has to be absolute trust.
This is where the biggest issue is, you broke trust between the both of you. You know the woman didn't like you even though you liked her, you knew she liked your friend and rather than being happy for your friend, you acted like his enemy.

Maybe time can heal it but I would not be too sure the trust can be restored.
This is the biggest problem and whether both are on the same page elsewhere in life.

Ten of Swords

Closed and moved to PI

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Hannibal_Smith

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Thanks

HS

Tork

I don't see what you have to lose by making contact with him. Be warned though - the outcome might not be what you want.

Even though you behaved badly on the night, his behaviour makes me wonder were you really the good buddies you think you were? Part of me wonders was it the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it a convenient excuse for him to reduce contact with you? 10 years is a long time so maybe time is a healer. People's lives change a lot in 10 years as well though, especially when you're in your 20s and 30s. Even if he forgives and forgets, you and he will never be friends in the way you were were when you were young guys. You're older and have other commitments now (partner/kids/family/work). It's not going to be a young guy's friendship. He might never be able to fully forget how you behaved on that night and forgive you. It's the old cliché about a bell that can't be unrung or a broken plate that will never be fully restored to its original state. If you decide to reach out to him, be careful not to go into too much "me me me, look how I have progressed" talk. That's pretty self-indulgent and off-putting.

85603

an apology is a good start but really you owe him reparations.

get the wig.

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow card for 85306 for inappropriate post in Personal Issues.

stlucia2021

Tork wrote: »

I don't see what you have to lose by making contact with him. Be warned though - the outcome might not be what you want.

Even though you behaved badly on the night, his behaviour makes me wonder were you really the good buddies you think you were? Part of me wonders was it the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it a convenient excuse for him to reduce contact with you? 10 years is a long time so maybe time is a healer. People's lives change a lot in 10 years as well though, especially when you're in your 20s and 30s. Even if he forgives and forgets, you and he will never be friends in the way you were were when you were young guys. You're older and have other commitments now (partner/kids/family/work). It's not going to be a young guy's friendship. He might never be able to fully forget how you behaved on that night and forgive you. It's the old cliché about a bell that can't be unrung or a broken plate that will never be fully restored to its original state. If you decide to reach out to him, be careful not to go into too much "me me me, look how I have progressed" talk. That's pretty self-indulgent and off-putting.

Hopefully you're right, time could easily be a healer

A decade is a chasm that is nearly impossible to bridge, move on. You're only hurting yourself pining over the past. We've all made mistakes on the sauce, don't let that one define you. There are lads I was tight with growing up, we drifted apart in our twenties as personalities and priorities evolved. Bumping into them in recent years has only confirmed our differences, a quick cordial natter and nothing more. I don't lament their absence, and the feeling is mutual. Life sometimes gets in the way, call it "destiny" or some other intangible. I prioritise the here and now, and that includes those who are in my present circle. Changing the past is the most futile thing in the world, accept and own any errors of judgment made. You've learned some valuable lessons, that's good enough. I guarantee you'll feel lighter for letting go.

Tork

stlucia2021 wrote: »

Hopefully you're right, time could easily be a healer

It can but I wouldn't be getting my hopes up if I was you. While your behaviour was out of order, there is nothing coming from his side to suggest he wants to make up. I assume you tried apologising at the time and that those words fell on deaf ears. 10 years is a long time and he will have moved on and made new friends etc. The question is, have you? What is your motivation for trying to resurrect this?

stlucia2021

Tork wrote: »

It can but I wouldn't be getting my hopes up if I was you. While your behaviour was out of order, there is nothing coming from his side to suggest he wants to make up. I assume you tried apologising at the time and that those words fell on deaf ears. 10 years is a long time and he will have moved on and made new friends etc. The question is, have you? What is your motivation for trying to resurrect this?

I apologized on the night, but we never actually spoke about it again, even though we only saw one another a handful of times afterwards, though very brief encounters.

I've just had a lot more time to think about things recently because of the lockdown and I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

JustAThought

stlucia2021 wrote: »

I apologized on the night, but we never actually spoke about it again, even though we only saw one another a handful of times afterwards, though very brief encounters.

I've just had a lot more time to think about things recently because of the lockdown and I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

Could very well be - and maybe he is thinking the same thing too. I had someone do this to me YEARS ago - it really bothered me because they had a LT partner and were practically engaged - they did it because they could and felt they could ‘win’. I held it against them for years - not because of the person but because of the principle - I’d even said it to them at the time but they laughed it off and that hurt even more. Thou we had a few nights out since that over the years things drifted as we both moved to different countries & drifted away. Oddly we reconnected over FB over non-related forward looking plans and pictures - maybe it takes a pandemic!? If your friend was bitter or a bit insecure or less lucky in love maybe that has changed now too and he can look back and put it behind you both & rekindle a second friendship. I’d say it’s worth a try. He might feel the exact same but feel it is up to you to make the first attempt - & I’d do it when beergardens are open or outdoor sit down cafes.

leggo

Zero harm in reaching out. If he didn’t end up marrying this woman then I doubt he’s still angry and most people are receptive to messages like this.

But also, as has been pointed out already, he’s a different person to the one you knew and may not be up for just picking up where you left off. I’ve got friends that I’ve drifted from who I’d be open to hearing from and putting to bed any differences we may have had, or just be on generally good terms with, but there are very VERY few I’d go to any effort for beyond a few pleasant texts. I like keeping my circle full of a small group of close, good friends these days and even at that struggle to talk or check in with them as much as I’d like. Most people past a certain age are the same, especially once marriage and kids and all that stuff happens. So while there’s a good chance you’ll get closure, there’s only a very small chance you’re going to pick up and start going for pints again with any regularity.

stlucia2021

stlucia2021 wrote: »

Anyway, about 10 years ago we were out on a messy night out.

Was it messy for him too or were you one of those annoying lads who can't hold their drink but insist on overdoing it anyhow etc?

One of the things I've noticed about male friendships is men tend to winnow out the lads who are too much hassle/are dickheads over the years. No one needs the grief they cause, so, imo you should re-evaluate the years preceding the split to see if there were any times you were causing grief for him before that.

Anyhow, the above probably seems very mean but I hope it works out for you and your mate. True friendship is a precious thing and should be minded.

LegacyUser

Move on*. The time to address this issue has long since passed.

You didn't "accidentally" lose this friend. You were both free to ask this girl out back in the day, he got there first and she accepted. He did nothing wrong and you chose to try and sabotage the situation rather than be happy for your friend.

That is not how a "best" friend would act. If you were best friends, even "just" good friends, you wouldn't have done what you did, and you would have apologised at the time.

I'm aware this seems very critical, so I'll just say your "crime" wasn't exactly that major in the grand scheme of things. But I do believe your interference at the time combined with your lack of attempt to make amends in the immediate aftermath should tell you something about the true size and strength of that friendship. He stonewalled you and you accepted that for years. You let the friendship die. And based on what happened, the onus was on you to make things right.

*The friendship, as you knew it back then, is dead in the water. I would encourage you to reach out to him but do so in the "now" rather than as an attempt to pick up from where you left off. Say hello, ask how things are going? Covid small talk (ugh..), nothing too serious. From there maybe you and him might reopen a regular / semi-regular dialogue, and maybe you will become friends again. I wouldn't address the thing from 10 years ago unless you become friends again. As for right now though, you and him are effectively strangers, both with 10 years life experience and maturity in the mental bank. You're the same people but different versions of the same people.

stlucia2021

I AM a robot wrote: »

Move on*. The time to address this issue has long since passed.

You didn't "accidentally" lose this friend. You were both free to ask this girl out back in the day, he got there first and she accepted. He did nothing wrong and you chose to try and sabotage the situation rather than be happy for your friend.

That is not how a "best" friend would act. If you were best friends, even "just" good friends, you wouldn't have done what you did, and you would have apologised at the time.

Very true, he didn't actually do anything wrong at all, it was me and my jealousy that got in the way, I regret it, but sadly I wasn't in any way thinking straight at the time

cloudatlas

I never understand the 'I should have told him I was in to her mentality', that's purely incidental, if the girl isn't in to you then it's disappointing but you step aside. I've seen people come to blows over imaginary relationships that do not exist and ego. One friend complained bitterly that a friend made a move on someone in a bar when 'they knew I liked her' well she preferred the other person tough ****, we do not have claims over others.

And all the people on this thread saying 'the girl is long gone now' as if to say 'oh fickle women again'. It's not her fault.

'He was overly angry'.... 'maybe even laugh off'.
That just reveals that you still don't think it was your fault, which it was, you were controlling and obviously aggressive.

'meet him for a coffee and explain my side of the story because I was never really given a chance'

It's his fault again because he didn't allow you to explain your irrational behaviour.

And then you say you want to apologise but it isn't an apology. 'I was young at the time……'

An apology is unreserved and without qualification, you fully take responsibility and you don't make any excuses. Even the title is an excuse. 'Accidentally lost my best friend', it didn't seem accidental at all you were jealous and you acted, that is deliberate.

'It’s clear that our friendship is badly fractured and I have accepted that I’ve almost fully lost a great friend'.

It's clear that you don't have a friendship and being concerned about it 10 years later is too late quite frankly, you should have been concerned about it immediately. After 10 years I would leave him alone, if he isn't interested at school reunions then leave him be and do yourself a favour and really take ownership of mistakes and learn from them.

stlucia2021

cloudatlas wrote: »

'He was overly angry'.... 'maybe even laugh off'.
That just reveals that you still don't think it was your fault, which it was, you were controlling and obviously aggressive.

if was definitely my fault, I'll always admit it, and everyone who was there to witness it all will also point out that I was in the wrong! I guess the whole laughing things off part is just a last attempt at trying to approach things differently and to see if there is a funny side to all of this, maybe it will seem funny now, even after all these years, I don't really know how things look from his side after all these years, still, even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.

Tork

stlucia2021 wrote: »

...even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.

So why do you want to try and build bridges with your former friend? I get the feeling there is something you're not telling us.

After reading your latest update I've changed my mind about making contact I think it'd be wiser to leave things as they are. With the way you're now telling this story, you're going to talk yourself into more trouble. You seem to think making a joke about it would go down well, whereas I think that would get a poor reception from this guy. You're also absolving yourself of all responsibility for this incident. "If it was definitely my fault" is very wishy washy. Nothing short of "I'm sorry, I was an absolute arse on the night" will do but I don't believe you are genuinely sorry. Rebuilding bridges is a hard sell at the best of times and if your motives aren't genuine you'll be seen through. My guess is that you're short of mates and your attention has turned to this old friend. I also doubt very much that you'll ever be close friends again. That ship has long since sailed.

leggo

stlucia2021 wrote: »

still, even if we were to become really close friends again, there will always be a dark cloud hovering above us, definitely a lack of trust on my side.

This quote also irked me a bit for the same reasons as above. On one hand you’re saying it was your fault...so why would you not trust him? If it was your fault then you don’t get to control how he reacts. If you wrong someone, they’re entitled to be done with you if that’s what they want. It’s **** when that happens but still your ‘lack of trust’ implies that you think he did something, which means you’re still holding a grudge and stewing over this and, as said, if that’s the case it probably won’t go well as these things have a way of coming out.

Also OP, I’m going to just say it: this is a bit odd and I don’t think this is all about your former friend tbh, I think that’s just how you’ve chosen to direct whatever it is you’re feeling. I kinda got it at first but the depth in which you’re focusing on this ancient history is abnormal. When I think back to people I hung out with 10 years ago, I mean yeah I suppose I get a little sad that close friendships didn’t last the rest of time, but it doesn’t impact me because I’ve got a full life now and plenty of friends as it is. I barely remember the little dramas like you describe from those days, and the ones I do remember I don’t feel anything but a bit of nostalgia for.

Life moves on. And if I’m being honest, I feel like you haven’t and are maybe missing having this closeness with someone and are seeing reuniting with this friend as the best chance of getting that back. But also you’re still clearly hurt by him ditching you and there’s some resentment there. I’d say your best course of action is being honest with yourself here about what you want because hanging onto this strong emotion for someone who probably just considers you a distant memory isn’t likely to go well. If it’s more friends or 1-2 close mates you want, acknowledge that and put yourself in positions where that can happen. Move forward instead of looking backwards.

stlucia2021

Tork wrote: »

So why do you want to try and build bridges with your former friend? I get the feeling there is something you're not telling us.

After reading your latest update I've changed my mind about making contact I think it'd be wiser to leave things as they are. With the way you're now telling this story, you're going to talk yourself into more trouble. You seem to think making a joke about it would go down well, whereas I think that would get a poor reception from this guy. You're also absolving yourself of all responsibility for this incident. "If it was definitely my fault" is very wishy washy. Nothing short of "I'm sorry, I was an absolute arse on the night" will do but I don't believe you are genuinely sorry. Rebuilding bridges is a hard sell at the best of times and if your motives aren't genuine you'll be seen through. My guess is that you're short of mates and your attention has turned to this old friend. I also doubt very much that you'll ever be close friends again. That ship has long since sailed.

I feel like I misworded my previous comment, what I meant to say more clearly, and I'm not sure how it came across, is that there is a lack of trust from me, I'm clearly not really the type of person that he can trust and I'm sure that he had realized it.

You're probably right, using the (laughing things off strategy) will probably not go down well, I guess I was just flirting with some ideas which, more than likely, won't/can't work and maybe just overthinking when clearly there's nothing that can/will work properly

I'm genuinely sorry, I've been a mess thinking about it over the years, I would do absolutely anything to wash that night away, if I was to be gifted with a magic lamp, but lessons had been learnt after that night.

The ship has sailed and life can be irritating at times, saying that, I wish him all the best and hope that he has been well and successful over the last 10 years

qwerty13

Do you mean that there’s a lack of trust from him? That would be far more understandable, your last message is confusing.

Making a laugh of something that another person is angry about is never a good move - it trivialises their anger, and says to them that you don’t take their anger seriously. Referring to the incident as ‘accidentally’ losing your best friend also trivialises his hurt and your role in it.

Could the night in question have been the last straw with your friend putting up with your behaviour, or were you acting completely out of character?

stlucia2021

leggo wrote: »

This quote also irked me a bit for the same reasons as above. On one hand you’re saying it was your fault...so why would you not trust him? If it was your fault then you don’t get to control how he reacts. If you wrong someone, they’re entitled to be done with you if that’s what they want. It’s **** when that happens but still your ‘lack of trust’ implies that you think he did something, which means you’re still holding a grudge and stewing over this and, as said, if that’s the case it probably won’t go well as these things have a way of coming out.

Also OP, I’m going to just say it: this is a bit odd and I don’t think this is all about your former friend tbh, I think that’s just how you’ve chosen to direct whatever it is you’re feeling. I kinda got it at first but the depth in which you’re focusing on this ancient history is abnormal. When I think back to people I hung out with 10 years ago, I mean yeah I suppose I get a little sad that close friendships didn’t last the rest of time, but it doesn’t impact me because I’ve got a full life now and plenty of friends as it is. I barely remember the little dramas like you describe from those days, and the ones I do remember I don’t feel anything but a bit of nostalgia for.

Life moves on. And if I’m being honest, I feel like you haven’t and are maybe missing having this closeness with someone and are seeing reuniting with this friend as the best chance of getting that back. But also you’re still clearly hurt by him ditching you and there’s some resentment there. I’d say your best course of action is being honest with yourself here about what you want because hanging onto this strong emotion for someone who probably just considers you a distant memory isn’t likely to go well. If it’s more friends or 1-2 close mates you want, acknowledge that and put yourself in positions where that can happen. Move forward instead of looking backwards.

I feel like I misworded the previous post, I meant to say that there's a lack of trust there and I'm clearly not the type of person that he trusts and rightly so, my error, I was in the wrong and I can use excuses all day long, like I was young, I was drunk.......but clearly excuses don't work for my behavior that night.

You're right, I will move forward and I ought to grow up and stop looking at the past.I'm determined to make new friends after the Coronavirus, I do miss him a lot, but I still feel like the best option is to close the chapter.

It's good going to these forums and the feedback is always rewarding and really got me thinking a lot. I appreciate the feedback

stlucia2021

qwerty13 wrote: »

Do you mean that there’s a lack of trust from him? That would be far more understandable, your last message is confusing.

Making a laugh of something that another person is angry about is never a good move - it trivialises their anger, and says to them that you don’t take their anger seriously.

Could the night in question have been the last straw with your friend putting up with your behaviour, or were you acting completely out of character?

My behavior that night was astounding, drinking like crazy, vodka, beer, wine, shot after shot after shot, I'm not trying to deflect the blame onto alcohol, it was all an absolute mess and one that I've been lucky not to have repeated, even after all these years.

With regard to previous problems prior to the night with my former best friend, not that I can recall. We never really argued a lot before that, we never fell out before that, we always had a special bond and mutual respect, nothing out of the ordinary

leggo

stlucia2021 wrote: »

You're right, I will move forward and I ought to grow up and stop looking at the past.I'm determined to make new friends after the Coronavirus, I do miss him a lot, but I still feel like the best option is to close the chapter.

You need to let yourself off the hook for what happened a decade ago too, I’d be shocked if your former friend even thinks about it. It’s fairly routine **** that happens in your teens/20’s. Whatever situation you’re in that has you feeling this way, it’s not down to what happened on that one fateful night, your entire life wouldn’t have turned out differently if you’d have handled it another way.

Also worth keeping in mind is that you’re far from alone in feeling alone and isolated during COVID. The entire planet is feeling some variation of that. A LOT of people have been forced to confront harsh truths when distractions were taken away. But in doing so there’s an opportunity to take responsibility, then take control, and turn things around. And look at the day that’s in it: now you even have a roadmap for when you can start doing so. So if I were you I’d use the next few weeks to look at what you want your life to be going forward, then as the world opens back up make it a reality. When you do that, friends and everything else will naturally follow.

Tork

I think you're missing more than your friend - you're harking back to a stage of your life that many of us have nostalgia for. A time when you could head out for a night on the town or a spontaneous day out with your friends and not have to worry about partners or kids or any of the other grown-up stuff that comes our way as we get older. Your friendship, or the ending of it, is tied in with that time.

I'm older than you and have managed to hold onto some of the friends I made at school and college. But, and this is a big but, none of these friendships are as close as they were when we were all teenagers or in our twenties. It's inevitable because we've all gone our separate ways and have formed relationships, had families or live different lives now. I still chat and message my old friends which is nice but I know I've moved down the pecking order and I'm at peace with that. I don't live in my home town any more and sometimes when I'm back, I bump into old schoolfriends. More often than not, we have little in common any more. In other words, you're expecting too much from an expected reconciliation. You haven't said what your old friend is doing now but it's likely he now has an other half and maybe a family or other friends. 10 years is a long time and he will have long since moved on from that night.

PmMeUrDogs

My childhood/school best friend did something small to me back when we were about 19, and for me it was the final straw and I cut her off, but still have each other on socials. We're in our thirties now.

She now lives abroad, but right next to where my sibling lives. Last time I visited my sibling, she reached out when she saw I was there, and asked to meet up for a drink.

She apologized for what had happened years ago, and honestly, I really appreciated it. We had a lovely time catching up. We agreed next time I visit my sibling, I'm gonna allocate a couple of extra days to come stay with her as well to hang out.


We will never be best friends, our lives are completely different now and we're very different people, but honestly, I love that we're back in contact and I will always appreciate and respect the apology.


It may not work out the same way with your old friend, but I'm genuinely glad she reached out to me. I say there's no harm in giving a genuine apology, but none of the bull of "I was young." Own what you did, with no excuses or anything else, just an apology.


And remember he does not have to accept it.

zoobizoo

I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.

He did the same to me in our late 20s.

We're in our late 40s now and were both each other's best man.

Cockblocking / stupid stuff / hitting on girls that each other liked when drunk - it happens. It can certainly test a friendship.

But, it's doubtful that anything that minor would destroy a good / strong / old friendship.




You're living in the past with some silly guilt over a drunken night out. A Dark Cloud Hovering over you? Because of some silly thing you did a decade ago?


TORK makes a lot of sense in that post.

If I contacted some of my old great friends from my 20s who I haven't seen in 10 years and asked them out for a pint (I'm thinking college friends, old good work pals, hobby friends) - they'd probably be a bit surprised. We'd meet, shoot the ****, say "we must do this again soon" and then we'd both know that that wouldn't really happen because there's a reason (or a few reasons) why we haven't been in touch in years.

Those reasons could be: we lost the common bond of college / we're not spending 9-5 in each others company / we don't have a hobby in common any more... we have other friends / family / partners and things going on.



To think that you could retrieve a best friendship and have the same as you had is a bit naive OP.

Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.

stlucia2021

zoobizoo wrote: »

I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.
Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.

Actually, I moved abroad a good few years ago and rarely came home, only for the occasional wedding or quick trip, so this time, I've been home for longer than expected because of the pandemic, something that I didn't even plan, but current situation is out of my control.

This time, I've been able to walk around the old areas that I used to, go back to old spots that I hadn't visited for years, places that I'd completely forgotten about because it had been so long.

Most of my best friends, that I would currently consider to be close to me now are overseas, I have a few good friends in Ireland, but only a fraction when compared to those that I lived with or worked with overseas.

stlucia2021

zoobizoo wrote: »

I pulled my best friend's big crush in my early 20s.

He did the same to me in our late 20s.

We're in our late 40s now and were both each other's best man.

Cockblocking / stupid stuff / hitting on girls that each other liked when drunk - it happens. It can certainly test a friendship.

But, it's doubtful that anything that minor would destroy a good / strong / old friendship.




You're living in the past with some silly guilt over a drunken night out. A Dark Cloud Hovering over you? Because of some silly thing you did a decade ago?


TORK makes a lot of sense in that post.

If I contacted some of my old great friends from my 20s who I haven't seen in 10 years and asked them out for a pint (I'm thinking college friends, old good work pals, hobby friends) - they'd probably be a bit surprised. We'd meet, shoot the ****, say "we must do this again soon" and then we'd both know that that wouldn't really happen because there's a reason (or a few reasons) why we haven't been in touch in years.

Those reasons could be: we lost the common bond of college / we're not spending 9-5 in each others company / we don't have a hobby in common any more... we have other friends / family / partners and things going on.



To think that you could retrieve a best friendship and have the same as you had is a bit naive OP.

Have you made other friends in the last 10 years?


Stop blaming yourself for being drunk, stupid and young 10 years ago.

PmMeUrDogs wrote: »

My childhood/school best friend did something small to me back when we were about 19, and for me it was the final straw and I cut her off, but still have each other on socials. We're in our thirties now.

She now lives abroad, but right next to where my sibling lives. Last time I visited my sibling, she reached out when she saw I was there, and asked to meet up for a drink.

She apologized for what had happened years ago, and honestly, I really appreciated it. We had a lovely time catching up. We agreed next time I visit my sibling, I'm gonna allocate a couple of extra days to come stay with her as well to hang out.


We will never be best friends, our lives are completely different now and we're very different people, but honestly, I love that we're back in contact and I will always appreciate and respect the apology.


It may not work out the same way with your old friend, but I'm genuinely glad she reached out to me. I say there's no harm in giving a genuine apology, but none of the bull of "I was young." Own what you did, with no excuses or anything else, just an apology.


And remember he does not have to accept it.

That's exactly the type of scenario that I'd be looking for

sporina

give it a shot - the worst he can say is not interested or ignore you.. nothing to loose by trying.