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Flatmates partner

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    #92
    stop animal cruelty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,012 ✭✭✭stop animal cruelty


    MuffinTop86 wrote: »
    I don’t think approaching her was the wisest move. The actual housemate will think you’re too cowardly to come to him. It will either make him more determined to annoy you, or he’ll think he has the upper hand and will continue as is.

    I’m currently sharing with 6 other absolute dillholes (spread out over 3 floors) and you absolutely have to be a tyrant to keep people in line. They’ll stick on the washing machine at 2am, take a long shower, do jumping jacks in their rooms on the ceiling above us etc.

    I haven't seen him yet but I am planning on saying what I said to her to him as well.


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    #93
    is_that_so
    Registered Users Posts: 32,136 ✭✭✭✭is_that_so


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    That will only work if the other housemates are affected too.
    If anyone is affected you need one. As others have posted not everyone will follow common sense nor decency. House rules at the beginning, of course, can do away with a lot of this but constant reminders are the norm too!


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    #94
    is_that_so
    Registered Users Posts: 32,136 ✭✭✭✭is_that_so


    stop animal cruelty wrote: »
    So far.. .

    I thought my house mate was I the kitchen, but it turned out to be the partner was hesitate in saying something to her but I thought fuk it. .. I said basically Ursus Horbilis said.. .. I asked to be more considerate that I don't mind her staying, that I do mind the noise after 11pm. I got an ok sorry, so hopefully this will put a stop.
    Bringing it up will probably help clear the air. Sometimes people just don't notice. Conversation needs to happen with housemate as well.


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    #95
    stop animal cruelty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,012 ✭✭✭stop animal cruelty


    The other housemates find them annoying also they have told me but are not bothered about saying anything. I'm prob here more than them plus my room is directly under there's, so I'm the one most affected.

    I'm also gonna say she can start contributing to the bills too cause really, so does here part time now. Every week she comes in with her suitcase. She's not a guest anymore really.


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    #96
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    stop animal cruelty wrote: »
    The other housemates find them annoying also they have told me but are not bothered about saying anything. I'm prob here more than them plus my room is directly under there's, so I'm the one most affected.

    I'm also gonna say she can start contributing to the bills too cause really, so does here part time now. Every week she comes in with her suitcase. She's not a guest anymore really.

    You can only ask for that realistically if she's staying more than 3 nights a week though.


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    #97
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    stop animal cruelty wrote: »
    The other housemates find them annoying also they have told me but are not bothered about saying anything. I'm prob here more than them plus my room is directly under there's, so I'm the one most affected.

    I'm also gonna say she can start contributing to the bills too cause really, so does here part time now. Every week she comes in with her suitcase. She's not a guest anymore really.

    I would advise against asking for bills as that will give her more right to be there, in her head at least. The fact you are meeting her in the kitchen alone without the housemate is a red flag, guests should not be in the kitchen alone.

    You need to address the two issues, the noise is too much and 2 nights a week every week is too often for a guest to stay in a houseshare.


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    #98
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP I'd just focus on the issue at hand (the noise). I wouldn't muddy the waters by asking her to start paying for bills too - she's only there 2 nights a week, so I don't think it's very reasonable. Certainly much more debatable than the noise issue anyway!


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    #99
    Obvious Desperate Breakfasts
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »
    I would advise against asking for bills as that will give her more right to be there, in her head at least. The fact you are meeting her in the kitchen alone without the housemate is a red flag, guests should not be in the kitchen alone.

    You need to address the two issues, the noise is too much and 2 nights a week every week is too often for a guest to stay in a houseshare.

    What? I never expected partners of housemates to be accompanied by the housemate to common areas at all times. Taking over common areas is not on but being bothered by something like the partner making them both tea alone or whatever is a bit precious. Once the agreed amount of days decided amongst the housemates for partners to be over was stuck to and they didn’t take over common areas, it was always grand to bump into the partner alone in any houseshare I’ve been in.


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    #100
    Twenty Grand
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭Twenty Grand


    Does no one here actually make friends with the people they live with?

    Ya know, go for pints, cinema, light the fire and have movie nights?


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    #101
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    Twenty Grand wrote: »
    Does no one here actually make friends with the people they live with?

    Ya know, go for pints, cinema, light the fire and have movie nights?

    That day is gone. It was different when college lads etc were renting together and everyone up for the craic when the grant cheque came through or results came out.
    Now the age profile of renters has risen. Renters in their late 20s or 30s sharing a place do their own thing and are more immersed in careers and relationships. Years ago they would have had their own place at that stage


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    #102
    JohnnyChimpo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,075 ✭✭✭JohnnyChimpo


    Twenty Grand wrote: »
    Does no one here actually make friends with the people they live with?

    Ya know, go for pints, cinema, light the fire and have movie nights?

    the Venn diagram intersection of socially well-adjusted people and Boardsie posters is pretty small I imagine


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    #103
    NuttyMcNutty
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭NuttyMcNutty


    You should have told her that you cannot stop **** when she's moaning, just to see the face on her like :)


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    #104
    jr86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,930 ✭✭✭jr86


    I remember a house share I was in years ago where a new housemate (HM1) moved in and started having their BF over about 4 nights a week. One of the other tenants (HM2) brought it up to them in a subtle non-confrontational way, and HM1 felt it was the meanest thing ever on HM 2s part - in fact right up until the day they moved out (about 3 years later) they still mentioned HM2 in a derogatory way behind their back simply down to that incident - they actually got on well otherwise!

    Unfortunately some people have alarmingly little self-awareness. HM1 would also take other people's food, take up the clothes line for days on end, casually walk into other people's rooms if they needed to use some spray/shampoo, for example, and not see a thing wrong with it. Completely spoiled at home growing up I'd say, which ruined them.

    But HM2 mentioning the BF coming over too often did work. HM1 got the hump, but the visits still greatly reduced. Word of warning though, whenever anyone else was out of the house for a weekend or whatever, they saw this as a free pass to have them over 24/7. They were from the the East but this was in the days of much longer journeys across the country and they barely ever went home at weekend (house was in Galway).

    That said I can look back at it now and laugh in a way - they were actually a nice person overall, but just fierce annoying habits. Don't do anything too drastic yet, have a simple but polite quick word and see does that make any difference.

    Ugh I really cannot stand house-sharing, but there's very little option these days!


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    #105
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    Edgware wrote: »
    That day is gone. It was different when college lads etc were renting together and everyone up for the craic when the grant cheque came through or results came out.
    Now the age profile of renters has risen. Renters in their late 20s or 30s sharing a place do their own thing and are more immersed in careers and relationships. Years ago they would have had their own place at that stage

    Yup once you hit mid twenties into early thirties being pally with your housemates goes out the window. Those are known as 'cold' house-shares and it's fairly understandable.

    I've always tried to make an effort with the semi normal ones but my God I could tell you stories...


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    #106
    MacDanger
    Registered Users Posts: 2,388 ✭✭✭MacDanger


    TBF, you've been annoyed by this since April and you've yet to say anything..... You've also said that you're not willing to switch rooms as an offer to improve the situation (a situation which only seems to be a problem for you)......

    Having someone over 2 nights a week in a house share isn't unreasonable at all. Nor would that person be expected to contribute to the house expenses.

    However, regularly making excessive noise late at night though is definitely inconsiderate but if you had actually talked to your housemate it'd probably be resolved by now.


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    #107
    jr86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,930 ✭✭✭jr86


    I'd be as cordial as possible with any housemate but I really dunno could I ever be truly friends with a housemate tbh (that i didn't know prior to the house-share)

    House sharing with someone makes you really see the worst in them on a day-to-day basis - I can only imagine the shock some people get when they start living with new romantic partners on a full time basis.

    You see HMs so often that I end up getting fairly fed up of them after a while tbh :o. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

    It's a bit different in college when you're all on for making new friends, and are out most nights etc. and are probably in any given house-share for a year tops while going home every weekend.


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    #108
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    JohnnyChimpo wrote: »
    the Venn diagram intersection of socially well-adjusted people and Boardsie posters is pretty small I imagine
    I love the irony of someone posting that.. on boards :pac:

    The nature of house shares definitely changes as people get older. I ended up back in the world of house sharing in my 30s in order to get the money together to buy a house. It wasn't awful by any means but you get to the stage of your life where you just want a quiet life. It's a means to an end for people, most of whom would move into their own place in the morning if they could.

    One thing house sharing taught me was that if someone starts being an asshat, you've got to deal with it early. Politely and firmly and clearly, with no apologies for your stance. If you simply fume silently in your bedroom, drop hints or send a text, it's not going to solve the problem. Nobody wants to have to pull another person up on something they're doing consistently wrong. The important thing is to nip it in the bud before it becomes the norm.


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    #109
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    No problem with the girl staying over two nights a week. Three nights or more? That tells me she is living there and should be paying rent!

    The noise is something else and should have been dealt with a lot sooner.


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    #110
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.


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    #111
    stop animal cruelty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,012 ✭✭✭stop animal cruelty


    Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »
    I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.

    Finally someone sees from my point!


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    #112
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It's not going to stop her staying over though. If any of us are honest, we preferred housemates having people stay over 0 nights. Everyone has different limits though.


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    #113
    Deadlift kid
    Registered Users Posts: 26 ✭Deadlift kid


    Nail on the head house shares are a disaster

    had it many yrs ago in a house with students use to have a fella down frying sausages in the kitchen every night/ early morning @ 3 or 4 give or take crazy...

    Houseshares are simply a disaster nobody can tolerate house mates or non family 24/7 its immpossible there'll always be something that'd wind ya up.

    I use to hate the filthy kitchens empty lager cans everywhere particular noises from rooms and its all part of house shares imho

    That's why I chose to change my circumstances and will never do it again ever..

    Op: I have a firm but polite word over the noise suggest a heavy rug on flooring slippers at night maybe rearranging location of their bed


    Imo i think that 2 nights a week isn't a big problem just have a word see what happens


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    #114
    Twenty Grand
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭Twenty Grand


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    Yup once you hit mid twenties into early thirties being pally with your housemates goes out the window. Those are known as 'cold' house-shares and it's fairly understandable.

    I've always tried to make an effort with the semi normal ones but my God I could tell you stories...

    Maybe I just got lucky.

    Always found at least one person in the house that I'd be good friends with, like head out drinking with each others friends, spend time together outside of the house etc.


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    #115
    Obvious Desperate Breakfasts
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »
    I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.

    Why? It was standard in any houseshare I was in and I had 50+ housemates. Two nights every week was always fine. Any threads I’ve read about it on boards have had plenty of people and often most people saying two nights is no problem. You’re misremembering, I think.

    What is so wrong with two nights every week anyway?
    stop animal cruelty wrote: »
    Finally someone sees from my point!

    Well, if most people here think the amount of time the partner is staying over is fine, doesn’t that tell you something? People aren’t necessarily going to agree with you.


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    #116
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You'd be asking your housemates to have zero private life. And to apply the same rules to yourself. If a couple gets together and want to spend nights together, they have to stay somewhere.

    In comparison to what I've read on boards, 2 nights is getting away very lightly indeed. It could easily be 3 or 4, you could have the new squeeze being given keys to the house or them being moved in by stealth.

    The best you can hope for is for them to keep the noise down and be more considerate. Nobody likes living with a couple


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    #117
    Obvious Desperate Breakfasts
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    You'd be asking your housemates to have zero private life. And to apply the same rules to yourself. If a couple gets together and want to spend nights together, they have to stay somewhere.

    In comparison to what I've read on boards, 2 nights is getting away very lightly indeed. It could easily be 3 or 4, you could have the new squeeze being given keys to the house or them being moved in by stealth.

    The best you can hope for is for them to keep the noise down and be more considerate. Nobody likes living with a couple

    Exactly! Keeping it to one night means partners might only see each other two nights a week if both houseshares had that rule. Most people want to see their partner more often than that.


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    #118
    fritzelly
    Registered Users Posts: 17,297 ✭✭✭✭fritzelly


    Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »
    Exactly! Keeping it to one night means partners might only see each other two nights a week if both houseshares had that rule. Most people want to see their partner more often than that.

    Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent


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    #119
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I think the OP is a bit put out because they aint getting a bit of nookie.


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    #120
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    fritzelly wrote: »
    Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent

    Yeah, eventually that is what happens, but what if the couple in question has just got together?


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    #121
    Obvious Desperate Breakfasts
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    fritzelly wrote: »
    Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent

    Well no, rushing into living together is something many people want to avoid. Let’s be realistic here. Moving in with the person you’re very keen on but have only being seeing for a few months, really? And people shouldn’t have to rush into doing that. As well as that, affordability is an issue. Renting a place together as a couple generally costs more rent-wise than living in a houseshare.

    I’ve moved around a lot and lived in various cities and two countries and partners staying over two nights a week was the standard. It seems to be the unspoken accepted amount in Ireland and the UK generally. It seems to be the right balance, taking into account social mores and the reason why people are in houseshares in the first place.


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