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Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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  • 25-08-2020 7:16pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I'll keep this brief. I'm mid 30s and have been living abroad for years. Moved out of home at a young age and have briefly been back in my early 30s for a few months. I have been made redundant twice and fell on hard times because of Covid.

    I just moved back home from abroad and living at home. I've always paid my way and have done more than my considerable share for my family. Since i've been back I haven't had much but think i've contributed more than my share. I'm due to get paid and told I would clear the last few weeks rent (my parent is in arrears) which i'm happy to do.



    There has been conversations thrown around with her and her good friend present about how she is entitled to receive rent from me etc under her current benefits and then a hypothetical situation thrown into the mix of say if was to put 200e a week into your account. There's been lots of kind half assed remarkes like this in terms of how we can get the house done up, we'll have it looking fab etc.

    I just feel it's really unfair to expect all of this. I was happy to pay the house rent every week then split shopping and pay bills as when we need too. I will end up buying a lot of my own food etc as we don't have necessarily the same diet.

    I'm not a mean or tight person (which i've Ive been told to a fault sometimes) but I feel like this is too much. I would have my own apartment at this rate.

    I also just feel like I will come off as the bad guy in this situation and I feel guilty/petty for feeling like this.


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    #2
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    Is there a missing paragraph here or something? You go on to talking about "her"(your mam?) without previous mention. Hard to follow.


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    #3
    gmisk
    Registered Users Posts: 31,831 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    Adult@home wrote: »
    Hi,

    I'll keep this brief. I'm mid 30s and have been living abroad for years. Moved out of home at a young age and have briefly been back in my early 30s for a few months. I have been made redundant twice and fell on hard times because of Covid.

    I just moved back home from abroad and living at home. I've always paid my way and have done more than my considerable share for my family. Since i've been back I haven't had much but think i've contributed more than my share. I'm due to get paid and told I would clear the last few weeks rent (my parent is in arrears) which i'm happy to do.



    There has been conversations thrown around with her and her good friend present about how she is entitled to receive rent from me etc under her current benefits and then a hypothetical situation thrown into the mix of say if was to put 200e a week into your account. There's been lots of kind half assed remarkes like this in terms of how we can get the house done up, we'll have it looking fab etc.

    I just feel it's really unfair to expect all of this. I was happy to pay the house rent every week then split shopping and pay bills as when we need too. I will end up buying a lot of my own food etc as we don't have necessarily the same diet.

    I'm not a mean or tight person (which i've Ive been told to a fault sometimes) but I feel like this is too much. I would have my own apartment at this rate.

    I also just feel like I will come off as the bad guy in this situation and I feel guilty/petty for feeling like this.
    Er 800 euro a month seems like lunacy to me.
    You are not a cash machine for them or a fund to get the house done up.
    Maybe have an honest chat with them before things get too out of hand.


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    #4
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users Posts: 596 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    What I don't get is she has rent to pay yet is going doing up the house.

    Even if she's in a council house it's painting and decorating all she's be responsible for like how could it cost so much.

    If there's any structural works, windows, or that it should be reported to the council


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    gmisk wrote: »
    Er 800 euro a month seems like lunacy to me.
    You are not a cash machine for them or a fund to get the house done up.
    Maybe have an honest chat with them before things get too out of hand.

    I thought so too, then was second guessing myself. I don't know how a chat is going to go down. I just feel like her friend is in her ear fueling the fire. She's not a big people person bar her own very close friends and it would be an ordeal if I wanted to have friends over for coffee/dinner/drinks I feel. I guess you could say it's her house in fairness.

    So i'm expected to help decorate, pay whatever and live like a hermit.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »
    What I don't get is she has rent to pay yet is going doing up the house.

    Even if she's in a council house it's painting and decorating all she's be responsible for like how could it cost so much.

    If there's any structural works, windows, or that it should be reported to the council

    I don't know what she's expecting. She just said we'd have the house looking fab etc. I know she wants to repaint most of the house, re-carpet and renovate the bathroom. It's only the last couple of weeks she's behind on rent. I just feel like i've been hit with all these expectations.

    I haven't exactly been flush because of been out of work, stuck abroad etc but i've always paid my way. I told her i'll clear the three weeks rent when I get paid. She keeps throwing in comments like "we'll manage between us" which is nice I guess, but feel like that sentiment is going to come back to bite me in the backside.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I don't know what she's expecting. She just said we'd have the house looking fab etc. I know she wants to repaint most of the house, re-carpet and renovate the bathroom. It's only the last couple of weeks she's behind on rent. I just feel like i've been hit with all these expectations.

    You still haven't' explained what sort of house this is - is it private rental or council? If shes renting why is she painting and/or putting new carpet down?

    Adult@home wrote: »
    I haven't exactly been flush because of been out of work, stuck abroad etc but i've always paid my way. I told her i'll clear the three weeks rent when I get paid. She keeps throwing in comments like "we'll manage between us" which is nice I guess, but feel like that sentiment is going to come back to bite me in the backside.

    If your mother is struggling to cover her rent then you need to sit down and discuss the issue. I'm sure your plan isn't to live there forever so she needs to manage her money to cover rent not redecorate. Sit down and agree a set rent you'll pay while living there and don't agree to adjust it just cus her friend has had a word


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    #8
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,551 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    How much is the current weekly rent, which you will pay a few weeks of? So we can compare to the €200 a week suggested.

    Sit down with your mother when the friend is absent and work out a payment system that you are both satisified with. Even write it down at the time so the evidence of it is there.

    It might be that you pay X per week rent, X for bills, and also X for shopping, or maybe you agree to do your shopping seperately. Whatever it is, thrash out the details and both be happy with it.

    As somebody else mentioned,if she's behind on the rent, then now is hardly the time for renovations of any significant cost.


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    #9
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    A frank chat with your mother (without her friend there!) is in order. I think it's clear that she's not good with money if she thinks that your salary is now hers to fritter away on curtains when she's weeks in arrears on the rent. She sees you as a bit of a cash cow at the moment. Does she know what you earn or maybe seen a payslip/bank statement or something? It seems odd that all of a sudden the previous agreement changed dramatically and she's demanding substantially more and is planning lots of spending of what appears to be your money.

    Is your move temporary because of covid, or is it a more permanent move?

    If it's temporary, then I think that you should offer half the rent, half the bills and half the food. If she's struggling, then give a bit more if you can afford it- she's your mum and other than money you seem to have a good relationship which is important. If it's permanent, I'd suggest you don't commit to that until you've lived together for a few more months and ensure the arrangement works for you as well.

    You've already offered to pay the arrears, make it clear this is ALL your savings gone, in case she thinks that she can spend the rent money on other things and you'll bail her out again.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    osarusan wrote: »
    How much is the current weekly rent, which you will pay a few weeks of? So we can compare to the €200 a week suggested.

    Sit down with your mother when the friend is absent and work out a payment system that you are both satisified with. Even write it down at the time so the evidence of it is there.

    It might be that you pay X per week rent, X for bills, and also X for shopping, or maybe you agree to do your shopping seperately. Whatever it is, thrash out the details and both be happy with it.

    As somebody else mentioned,if she's behind on the rent, then now is hardly the time for renovations of any significant cost.

    It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week. I had planned to cover that and suggest she puts 60e aside a week for herself to save rather than getting used to the extra money while i'm here. I'd planned to split bills as necessary and probably do main shopping together and then my extra bits i'd just pay for myself. I thought this was more than fair?


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    #11
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    That's fair. More than fair. I wouldn't budge on that, and I'd move out if she continued to expect €200 pw. How is she expecting 200 per week when you have no job anyway? Did you get redundancy money and that's why she's planning to do the place up?

    When you get a new job, do not tell her what you are earning. Her and her friend will have it spent before it hits your bank account. I've worked since my teens and my parents never asked me what I earned. They set a sum for contribution when I lived at home with us all and if we felt we could get a better deal elsewhere we were welcome to move out and try it. But what we earned, what we saved was all our own business. Same with your savings. It's nobody's business but yours.


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    #12
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    What you’re proposing sounds completely reasonable to me. I think it’s a bit mean of her to suggest taking additional rent from you when you’re already offering to cover the full rent for the house. It sounds like this wouldn’t have occurred to her if her friend hadn’t suggested it though.

    Your mother seems to have her head in the clouds when it comes to money. 60euro/week to rent a house is sweet f-all, so it’s very worrying that she is behind on the rent. I think your suggestion that she puts 60euro by each week while you’re covering the rent is a good idea. I wonder if she’ll be capable of this though, if she’s that bad at managing her money.

    I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

    As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    woodchuck wrote: »
    I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

    + 1 this OP. Your mother being behind on her rent is what she should be focused on not painting the house. She needs to be clear you aren't going to live there forever and aren't going to be able to cover her rent when moved out. You staying there and covering the rent now gives her a great chance to save money for several months rent. Honestly the cheek of her friend to suggest she get 200 a week from you when shes only paying 60!

    woodchuck wrote: »
    As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.

    + 1 to this again OP. If she wants to redecorate just for the sake of it or cus this mate of hers is pushing it you need to put a stop to that. If stuff is worn and needs replacing then work out what is most urgent and do stuff in sections but she needs to be realistic. You can't go redecorating your whole gaff if you've several weeks in arrears with rent.


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    #14
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

    You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

    How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

    in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
    However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Xterminator wrote: »
    It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

    You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

    How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

    in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
    However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.


    I don't have any redundancy or savings. I've just started a s****y paying job to get some money coming in. 800e a month is what was put out there not 500e. Then all the added extras, bills etc. Hardly a bargain


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Neyite wrote: »
    That's fair. More than fair. I wouldn't budge on that, and I'd move out if she continued to expect €200 pw. How is she expecting 200 per week when you have no job anyway? Did you get redundancy money and that's why she's planning to do the place up?

    When you get a new job, do not tell her what you are earning. Her and her friend will have it spent before it hits your bank account. I've worked since my teens and my parents never asked me what I earned. They set a sum for contribution when I lived at home with us all and if we felt we could get a better deal elsewhere we were welcome to move out and try it. But what we earned, what we saved was all our own business. Same with your savings. It's nobody's business but yours.

    Same, working since 15. Left home at 18. No redundancy or savings and a lot of debt after losing my job twice.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    woodchuck wrote: »
    What you’re proposing sounds completely reasonable to me. I think it’s a bit mean of her to suggest taking additional rent from you when you’re already offering to cover the full rent for the house. It sounds like this wouldn’t have occurred to her if her friend hadn’t suggested it though.

    Your mother seems to have her head in the clouds when it comes to money. 60euro/week to rent a house is sweet f-all, so it’s very worrying that she is behind on the rent. I think your suggestion that she puts 60euro by each week while you’re covering the rent is a good idea. I wonder if she’ll be capable of this though, if she’s that bad at managing her money.

    I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

    As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.

    House isn't in that bad condition to be honest. Bathroom needs structural work which needs to be done by the council. She doesn't get much money, she works one day a week and is on illness benefit.


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    #18
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    I've seen threads here where people got roasted for offering too little when living at home. €800 a month is the other extreme and I think you can see from the reactions here, that most people think it's lunacy. It's obvious that your mum and/or the friend went onto Daft, looked at the going rates and went "Ker-ching". I'm not familiar with the rules regarding council housing but is your mum even entitled to charge you rent? Even if she is, multiples of what she's paying herself makes no sense. Especially when you are the one who has fallen on hard times and is home for now out of economic necessity. In these circumstances, I doubt many people's parents would attempt to gouge them in this fashion. What you were offering in the first place sounded reasonable to me. Is your mum easily led? Has she a history of doing things like this?


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    #19
    Cakerbaker
    Registered Users Posts: 850 ✭✭✭Cakerbaker


    If it’s a council house and you’re working, your income should be declared to the council which will probably lead to a rent increase. If it’s not declared and the council become aware of in the future, they could come looking for a back-payment.


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    #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Cakerbaker wrote: »
    If it’s a council house and you’re working, your income should be declared to the council which will probably lead to a rent increase. If it’s not declared and the council become aware of in the future, they could come looking for a back-payment.

    I did think this. The friend kindly mentioned that I could be kicked out on the street if I don't put my name on the rent.


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    #21
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    Why is this friend in the middle of what should be something that's between your mother and you? He/she sounds like a dangerous meddler.


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    #22
    Cakerbaker
    Registered Users Posts: 850 ✭✭✭Cakerbaker


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I did think this. The friend kindly mentioned that I could be kicked out on the street if I don't put my name on the rent.

    If you’re paying your proper share of your rent to the council, and are paying your share of food / bills at home, then I’m not sure your mother should expect you to pay her much else, definitely not €200 a week!


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    #23
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    Cakerbaker wrote: »
    If you’re paying your proper share of your rent to the council, and are paying your share of food / bills at home, then I’m not sure your mother should expect you to pay her much else, definitely not €200 a week!

    Paying this ludicrously high amount of money into someone's bank account isn't very clever either - it leaves a paper trail.


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    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    the increase in differential rent wouldnt be major, certainly your mother should declare it and certainly what you have offered more than covers it (a few times over)

    this is about your mother and this third party getting notions about what you can be gouged for

    i. find out if yr mother wants you home. if not, leave her to it. better for everyone that way. and putting it that starkly will straighten her out

    ii. if the above answer is 'yes' then tell her that her friends input is misleading, unrealistic, unhelpful and insulting. let her know that your offer is generous and covers more than a fair share and it wont be changing

    iii. if she wants to discuss beyond, then for whats being asked (improvements to her house and covering her arrears) you want to know a lot more about where *her* money is going. fair's fair.

    at each stage you have to be prepared for her to rather you not be there, paying what youve offered. but no point either of ye bluffing.


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    #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tork wrote: »
    Why is this friend in the middle of what should be something that's between your mother and you? He/she sounds like a dangerous meddler.

    I know, she's known us most of our lives. I hadn't seen her for years as I was away travelling and her and my mam drifted apart for a while. She can quite abrasive some times. It's really frustrating. I'm in my 30s and have been incredibly independant my whole life. Yeah the last few months i've fallen on hard times. I just don't need all this pressure and expectation as if i'm not pulling my weight.

    I've overheard her and my mam bitching about me when my mam phoned me and forgot to hang up after. Again it was criticizing the jobs I was going to take since i've got home and how much travel would cost and my mam was like "oh I thought it was just me". Again all about money and how much it would cost ME for travel and I should take one job over another. The friend even referred to me as "the f****g b***h" which I would take more offence to coming from anyone else, because she tends to speak like this.

    I just don't know where the sense of entitlement to my life comes from.


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    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ok new question

    what the **** do you want anything to do with your mother for?

    sounds like youd be very well out of it, and her redecorating and arrears can stay her and her mate's problem


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    #27
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Can you move out? Is there some reason you are staying with your mum, because you would get a room in a nice place for 700 a month, even in Dublin.


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    #28
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users Posts: 472 ✭✭Pistachio19


    I'd be looking for a house share asap and leave your mother to it.


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    #29
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    Adult@home wrote: »
    It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week.?


    Am I the only one who read this?? Rent is 60€/week and you are paying 200/week ??:eek::eek:

    This is madness OP, not much more to add..


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    #30
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    If your mother has a carers benefit than is there aomeone else in the house too?! I gather from what you said you are in arrears’ with her - ie awaiting your paycheque so havn’t paid anything to her yet- this might be why she is skittish and talking about you to her friend.

    As regards the council, if you have moved in and are living there then you ahoud be declared and put in the lease, and everyones rent will go up. The taxpayers bill who subsidises your mother having a spare unused room in her subsidised rent house will go down.

    If this is only a short term mont or two month bail out no matter but otherwise your mother is defrauding the social welfare and the council under her tenancy agreement.

    No doubt she and her croony see you as an easy cashpoint in an otherwise barren taxpayer subsidised world but its really not fair on the rest of us who are subsidising her - and now you through our work and taxes.

    As an aside I’d say to get onto homestay.ie or daft and rent yourself somewhere once your paycheques start to come in - far less fraught and less of a toxic environment. Best of luck.


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    #31
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    JustAThought wrote: »
    If your mother has a carers benefit than is there aomeone else in the house too?! I gather from what you said you are in arrears’ with her - ie awaiting your paycheque so havn’t paid anything to her yet- this might be why she is skittish and talking about you to her friend.

    As regards the council, if you have moved in and are living there then you ahoud be declared and put in the lease, and everyones rent will go up. The taxpayers bill who subsidises your mother having a spare unused room in her subsidised rent house will go down.

    If this is only a short term mont or two month bail out no matter but otherwise your mother is defrauding the social welfare and the council under her tenancy agreement.

    No doubt she and her croony see you as an easy cashpoint in an otherwise barren taxpayer subsidised world but its really not fair on the rest of us who are subsidising her - and now you through our work and taxes.

    As an aside I’d say to get onto homestay.ie or daft and rent yourself somewhere once your paycheques start to come in - far less fraught and less of a toxic environment. Best of luck.

    Carers benefit and Illness benefit are not the same thing. So no she doesn't.

    How are you subsidising me? The social welfare are aware im living here. I've worked and paid tax since im 15 and never been on benefits so I really don't appreciate the snarky comment.

    Im already working and im only home 5 minutes from overseas. I got in at 11pm this evening after been working since 9am because I went for interview in the evening.

    She has pretty much free reign of my bank card since I got back. Not a lot of money but I have definitely given my fair share.


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