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Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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    #152
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,046 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    You're not considering getting a full months rent + deposit in one lumpsum.

    Then what are you actively doing to change this and move out? Or what have you tried?


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    #153
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    You're not considering getting a full months rent + deposit in one lumpsum.

    800 required on moving in. If you have 1000 you could move. I usually deduct the deposit from the rent over time when I trust the person but yeah, thats probable not normal so cant rely on that.

    from the sounds of this thread, its costing you more financially not too mention mentally


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    #154
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    When you get to move OP, I understand that it’s next to impossible to rent anywhere that allows pets. So do not make any offers of taking the dog with you. And be prepared for your mother suddenly ‘not being able to look after the dog’ or ‘can’t afford to look after the dog’.


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    #155
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    When you get to move OP, I understand that it’s next to impossible to rent anywhere that allows pets. So do not make any offers of taking the dog with you. And be prepared for your mother suddenly ‘not being able to look after the dog’ or ‘can’t afford to look after the dog’.

    Well he's 5 now and it hasn't been an issue. To be honest I don't mind if that's the one thing I have to pay for when I move out. His food is delivered monthly and one payment. I'd rather just pay for that and know he's getting the correct dosage/nutrients he needs.


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    #156
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    Well he's 5 now and it hasn't been an issue. To be honest I don't mind if that's the one thing I have to pay for when I move out. His food is delivered monthly and one payment. I'd rather just pay for that and know he's getting the correct dosage/nutrients he needs.


    But he's not, is he? You're buying the food and your Mum is grossly overfeeding him. Isn't that what you said earlier?


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    #157
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    Well he's 5 now and it hasn't been an issue. To be honest I don't mind if that's the one thing I have to pay for when I move out. His food is delivered monthly and one payment. I'd rather just pay for that and know he's getting the correct dosage/nutrients he needs.

    I understand that it hasn’t been an issue to date, but I’d bet my bottom dollar that it will be if (WHEN) you say that you’re moving out. It’s a means of keeping you tied to your mother / the current arrangement, and guilting you into that. I know that might sound like an OTT view of the situation to others, but I have some experience of that kind of manipulation - not exactly in your scenario, but you’ve said so many things where the behaviour felt so familiar. It just gave me the wobblies, and a feeling of deja vu.


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    #158
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    MissShihTzu wrote: »
    But he's not, is he? You're buying the food and your Mum is grossly overfeeding him. Isn't that what you said earlier?

    No that's now what I said. She was grossly overfeeding him. I've been strict with him and you can't give him the wrong amounts of food it's all measured to the letter. He has got better has more energy when we're out and about and seems to be losing weight. BUT she is slipping back into giving him odd scraps. So if I move out i'm afraid she'll go back to square one completely.


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    #159
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I understand that it hasn’t been an issue to date, but I’d bet my bottom dollar that it will be if (WHEN) you say that you’re moving out. It’s a means of keeping you tied to your mother / the current arrangement, and guilting you into that. I know that might sound like an OTT view of the situation to others, but I have some experience of that kind of manipulation - not exactly in your scenario, but you’ve said so many things where the behaviour felt so familiar. It just gave me the wobblies, and a feeling of deja vu.

    Yeah I know exactly what you mean. Ideal situation i'd move out and bring him with me but I can't realistically see that happening. His food is paid for every month so there's nothing else she could ask for. I have all his vaccines up to date and he's been for his check ups. I've to renew his license and that's about it.


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    #160
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,046 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I would have found a way to get rid of the mother to have a quiet life with the dog already.

    Look, you care and you are playing the role of the responsible adult, because she doesn’t. I can kind of identify because my own (poor) relationship with my mother was based on a similar dynamic. The difference is guilt tripping etc does not work with me, whereas your mom seems to have tailored her approach to keep you tied to her.

    Yes, she will revert to her old (convenient) ways because it’s the lazy way to appease a pet. You can’t change her and you will get ever more enmeshed in this mess the longer you stay. Sadly it looks like you are kind of “paralysed” and can’t find the energy to actively change your situation because you keep rebuffing any suggestion how to move out.

    I didn’t mean this as criticism even if it sounded like it


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    #161
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    No that's now what I said. She was grossly overfeeding him. I've been strict with him and you can't give him the wrong amounts of food it's all measured to the letter. He has got better has more energy when we're out and about and seems to be losing weight. BUT she is slipping back into giving him odd scraps. So if I move out i'm afraid she'll go back to square one completely.

    But you know she's going to go back to square one. So the logical conclusion is that you never move out. This thread is going in circles, your mother is an alcoholic leech who will do anything to get money out of you and you respond to that. You have two choices, stay or move out. There are no half measures.


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    #162
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Why are you paying for the dog's food and vet bills? Its your mother's dog, isnt it?

    Has your mother's income not been sorted out with DEASP yet?


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    #163
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Why are you paying for the dog's food and vet bills? Its your mother's dog, isnt it?

    Has your mother's income not been sorted out with DEASP yet?

    I guess he's a family dog. My sister wanted to get a dog years ago so my mam got her for him. She's away now. I honestly don't mind paying for him to keep him happy and healthy. I love him just as much as the rest of the family. It's the going against me trying to get him healthy again that drives me nuts.

    Like the last time I was home a couple of years ago i'd bought him a mussel. I put it on him going to the vet etc. She threw it in the bin so I had to go buy him another one.


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    #164
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,046 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Well enjoy the self-pity and ensure you capitalise on the victim role because you seem happy with it.
    The poor dog in the middle of it.


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    #165
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    OP I think you need to attend an Al-anon meeting. http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

    Your mother is an alcoholic and you are enabling her.


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    #166
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've been. It wasn't for me. I might have found a place I can move to in January where I can pay off my deposit in installments. Its not a million miles away from my mams house so if I can get a little car I can still come down and walk the dog. I have a friend he adores who will walk him for me possibly in the meantime. Yet I'm still feeling overwhelmed with guilt


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