The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Erik Shin · 25-08-2017 7:40pm

Fabritzo wrote: »

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents...

What a pair of miserable bastards!

Jesus fckin Christ!! I thought I had clicked on the "where are you now" thread!!.... nearly fell over

McMurphy · 29-08-2017 9:40am

I lol'd.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61S4-OxmUfs

branie2 · 30-08-2017 1:08am

I got my mother in law a chair for Christmas.

She won't let me plug it in though.

thesandeman · 30-08-2017 4:07am

branie2 wrote: »

I got my mother in law a chair for Christmas.

She won't let me plug it in though.

Mine wouldn't let me use electricity either.

I used gas instead.

TheBody · 30-08-2017 8:07am

You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

blueser · 31-08-2017 12:17pm

Those Stannah stair lifts drive me up the ****ing wall.

the_pen_turner · 31-08-2017 8:48pm

blueser wrote: »

Those Stannah stair lifts drive me up the ****ing wall.

that's a shame I find them very up lifting

the_pen_turner · 31-08-2017 8:48pm

A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one
day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system
at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and
we're ready to go on the trucks.
So from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When
I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I
want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to
make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and
his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his
wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to
make love.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
The husband asked
"What's this Bell 4???"
And the wife replied "More Hose!!!
You're nowhere near the fire!"

somefeen · 31-08-2017 10:47pm

What do you call a testicle with ADHD

Hyperbolic

the_pen_turner · 31-08-2017 11:29pm

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

the_pen_turner · 01-09-2017 12:14am

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:
"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2017 10:57pm

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2017 10:59pm

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2017 10:59pm

My email password has been hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2017 11:03pm

Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2017 11:20pm

In Iran everyone’s scared of spiders, but In Iraq no phobia :pac:

Four Phucs Ache · 01-09-2017 11:23pm

Me :How prepared are you for an emergency situation?

Wife:what?

Me:Giant, quick spiders

Wife:WHERE? KILL IT!!!

Me:Trivial things that make you happy

Wife:fookin eejit

the_pen_turner · 02-09-2017 7:46pm

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Capt'n Midnight · 02-09-2017 8:11pm

How do you milk sheep?

Release another iPhone

Capt'n Midnight · 02-09-2017 8:14pm

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

Mental Mickey · 02-09-2017 8:16pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

Don't get it?

munster87 · 02-09-2017 8:22pm

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Don't get it?

Yeah it'll do that too!

02-09-2017 8:28pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How do you milk sheep?

Release another iPhone

Usually all Apple need to do is change the name and a minor feature, and they'll flock to the shops!

the_pen_turner · 02-09-2017 11:59pm

Just had a letter from screw fix. Apparently it's not a dating agency

the_pen_turner · 03-09-2017 12:02am

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think..I gave him my super glue. !!

Capt'n Midnight · 03-09-2017 12:03am

Beware the Tesco dating agency. You could end up with a bag for life.

thesandeman · 03-09-2017 12:23am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Beware the Tesco dating agency. You could end up with a bag for life.

Or she might regret going with an agency that has the slogan "every little helps".

Mental Mickey · 03-09-2017 11:46am

munster87 wrote: »

Yeah it'll do that too!

I meant I didn't get the joke!!!

03-09-2017 11:59am

Mental Mickey wrote: »

I meant I didn't get the joke!!!

If you forget your wife's birthday, she is likely to kick you out of the bed, so the sofa becomes your bed.

Paddy Cow · 03-09-2017 6:02pm

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Don't get it?

munster87 wrote: »

Yeah it'll do that too!

Mental Mickey wrote: »

I meant I didn't get the joke!!!

He was making another joke that you won't be getting "it" if you end up on the sofa :P

branie2 · 03-09-2017 6:09pm

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front-ear

Loafing Oaf · 03-09-2017 6:43pm

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

MonkieSocks · 04-09-2017 12:43am

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave.

He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

Yesterday, when I left work,

I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing.

Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said,

' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'....

So ......,well... Here I am!"

byrner88 · 04-09-2017 1:16am

Me and the missus were lying in bed last night, face to face.

I looked into her eyes and said "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery"

She replied "Oh, does that make you think I'm worth millions"?

I said "No, it makes me want to ****ing roll over"

7 Seconds... · 04-09-2017 8:27pm

Why do men get their best ideas in bed?

Because they are plugged into a genius!

04-09-2017 8:51pm

Can I come too... wrote: »

Why do men get their best ideas in bed?

Because they are plugged into a genius!

.... that's full of hot air!

byrner88 · 05-09-2017 12:02am

Son: "Dad, can i borrow £50?"
Dad: "Come back and ask when your dick touches your arse"
Son (after checking): "Dad, my dick touches my arse"
Dad: "Good, now you can go **** yourself"

Capt'n Midnight · 05-09-2017 12:21am

I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.

TheBody · 05-09-2017 8:08am

Just seen that there is a nudist convention on in town next week.

I might go if I have nothing on.

Wossack · 05-09-2017 10:47am

Mick and Paddy, both looking for work, see a notice saying "Tree fellers wanted."

"Would you look at that, tree fellers," Paddy said to Mick. "What a pity there's only two of us."

dilallio · 06-09-2017 1:08pm

20 years ago today ....

Mother Theresa died and when she arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter gave her a small halo and welcomed her in.
Later on, Mother Theresa notices that Princess Diana has a much bigger halo than she does.
She asks God, "Why does the Princess Diana get a bigger halo than me, she was a great person but I helped so many more people. I should at least have the same size halo as her"
God replies, "That's not a halo, it's a bloody steering wheel"

McMurphy · 06-09-2017 2:00pm

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”.

dilallio · 06-09-2017 5:25pm

The next day the same Roman soldier walks into the bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini?"
"Look," the soldier replies, "If I wanted a double, I would've have asked for it!"

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 06-09-2017 10:34pm

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.

Loafing Oaf · 07-09-2017 12:17am

Two Jewish guys are standing on a street corner when an attractive blonde woman walks past. One nudges the other: "See that shiksa, I wouldn't mind lending her one."

Oranage2 · 07-09-2017 11:23am

My boss showed up to the office with a new Ferrari, I said that's ba lovely new car. He told me if I worked really hard and put in extra shifts that this time next year he could afford another one.

chewed · 07-09-2017 4:33pm

A clown held the door open for me the other day.

It was a nice jester.

blueser · 07-09-2017 5:31pm

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

7 Seconds... · 07-09-2017 10:07pm

Why do grandparents & grandchildren get on so well?

They have a common enemy.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:45pm

I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments