Does the "asking for hand in marriage" tradition still go on?

love_love · 25-07-2019 4:51pm

robinph wrote: »

That sounds like there was a misunderstanding between you and your now-husband though and you were setting him up to make a fool of himself infront of your father. Why on earth did you make him go through with the charade as you knew it wasn't something your father was going to give a damn about?

Not in the slightest, my dad felt very special to have been entrusted with the secret and, as I said, my husband and dad both know each other quite well so there's no airs and graces. The words out of his mouth aren't to be taken literally, I meant only to point out that he knew he wasn't being asked for permission. I'm sure we've all said to someone before "You didn't need to do that" when receiving a present or a favour; it doesn't mean it isn't appreciated.

Anyway, as B&C said, hopefully the OP feels enlightened by the lively discussion!

robinph · 25-07-2019 4:51pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

If nothing else it shows that the topic is mixed

Yep, but the only people who seem to have cared about it within the couples that have asked the question is the potential wife thinking it would be a "nice gesture" or something. Any responses reported from the asked future father in law seems to be "huh? wtf you asking me for".

Although in fairness to the future father in laws, if they gave any response other than "nothing to do with me" that would probably be an indication that you should run away.

Addle · 25-07-2019 5:00pm

That may be just what they vocalize, but I guarantee you that mist are delighted to be thought of.

MiliMe · 25-07-2019 7:22pm

People will have their own views on what should or shouldn't be done but at the end of the day, what you send your partner want is what matters. If you feel like asking/ telling/ speaking ti your partners parent before popping the question then go ahead and do it. The only opinion that really matters is your partners.

LirW · 25-07-2019 7:25pm

Please take their relationship to their parents into account. Families are often not easy and there can be a lot of power play involved between children and parents.
Plenty of families get together for Christmas and are still massively dysfunctional.

My husband didn't ask my dad and I'm glad he didn't. We don't have a strong relationship, he wasn't a great dad and I didn't feel that anything needed to be validated by him. He's joking about it from time to time but in reality he doesn't care.

It depends on the family. Personally I feel it's nonsense in this day and age but I can see why couples with more traditional values would like that or that some see a romantic sentiment in it.
First and foremost it's important what your partner thinks about it. I know I would have been cross if he would have asked.

Faith · 25-07-2019 8:29pm

There are some things in life that I’m going to do my way, no matter what. There are other things in life where I realize I’m just a piece of a much bigger jigsaw and I do something because I know it means a lot to other people. My husband spoke to my father ahead of time, not because it mattered to us, but because it mattered to my dad. Sure, I could have ridden my feminist high horse, but all it would have done is hurt my dad’s feelings and set us off on a bad note. Same way I could have refused to have a hen party because I didn’t want one, but I had one because I know it meant a lot to my bridesmaids for me to have one.

IMO, there are times to be an individualist and there are times to be a collectivist. Only the people involved know what’s right for them in a particular situation, and nobody else’s opinion or judgement really matters in that decision.

26-07-2019 10:02am

Faith wrote: »

IMO, there are times to be an individualist and there are times to be a collectivist. Only the people involved know what’s right for them in a particular situation, and nobody else’s opinion or judgement really matters in that decision.

So much this...

SusanC10 · 29-07-2019 8:11am

My Dad was very old-school and traditional in an old-fashioned pure gentleman way. My Husband and I got engaged while abroad. My Husband phoned Dad the day before he proposed and told him the plan and asked for his blessing I suppose rather than permission. Dad was very happy and tbh so was I as it seemed to mean a lot to Dad.

I think it really does depend on the individuals involved.

yourdeadwright · 08-10-2019 12:38pm

I phoned her dad and asked for his "blessing" not permission but just a heads up kind a thing ,
I spoke to her mam in person and done the same ,

I think its a nice tradition, I have a good relationship with her parents but we already lived together with multiply kids so I wasn't asking for permission if you get me ,

Dave147 · 08-10-2019 12:59pm

I didn't ask. But I went to my parents in law a few years ago with flowers wine and a ten year old bottle of Powers whiskey for my FIL and informed them I was going to ask their daughter to marry me. I thought this was the best way, I'm not looking for permission, I'm showing respect by letting them know first my intentions with their daughter. At the end of the day it's up to the couple, my wife and her dad are very close and when she found out what I did she was thrilled.

08-10-2019 1:29pm

I will be marrying his baby daughter, the last of his three little girls. Of course I want his blessing.

twowheelsonly · 08-10-2019 1:53pm

jaxxx wrote: »

F*ck tradition. If a woman asks a man to marry her, does she need to ask his parents 'permission'? GTFO with these archaic practices and wake up. It's got nothing to do with 'respect' for the parents. 'Tradition' is nothing but an excuse to justify something that there is no justification for. It used to be 'tradition' for only males to vote. It used to be 'tradition' for left handed people to be forced to use their right hands. As I said already, f*ck tradition".

^ I'm male btw, just FYI.

So what you're really saying is F*ck her parents and what they might want ? F*ck their views and drive on with what you want ?? F*ck them if they're old-fashioned and traditional. Interesting view....

Anyone over the age of 10 knows that it's not really 'asking permission' but more giving the heads up to the parents of the bride and there's nothing wrong with that.

At the end of the day you won't be making a faux pas by 'asking' but you could be making a major one by not doing so. Most dads will laugh it off or make jokes about it but secretly they'll be delighted they were included.

robinph · 08-10-2019 2:22pm

twowheelsonly wrote: »

So what you're really saying is F*ck her parents and what they might want ? F*ck their views and drive on with what you want ?? F*ck them if they're old-fashioned and traditional. Interesting view....

Think you are slightly overstating the position there. It's not a "f*ck them and whatever they think", it's more "not their decision to make so why pretend to ask them".

Perpetuating the idea that permission has to be asked, however pointless everyone claims to think it is, really doesn't help with changing the impression of women being property. Maybe it is only a really minor blip on that scale, but for what everyone claims to be a pointless exercise, why carry on with the charade of doing it?

GarIT · 08-10-2019 2:43pm

twowheelsonly wrote: »

At the end of the day you won't be making a faux pas by 'asking' but you could be making a major one by not doing so.

It would be a deal breaker for me. It would absolutely end the relationship if my parents were asked.

optogirl · 08-10-2019 2:45pm

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

I would not have wanted my husband to ask my Da before he asked me - it's a fairly outdated notion and has nothing to do with respect. I had a great relationship with my Dad & my husband and him got on really well too but I would have found it absolutely squirm inducingly embarrassing for everyone involved if that had happened. I know at least one of my brothers in law did - fair enough, that's what he wanted to do.

08-10-2019 2:51pm

GarIT wrote: »

It would be a deal breaker for me. It would absolutely end the relationship if my parents were asked.

I find that most bizarre. Is it coming from an "I'm nobody's property" POV or what?

facehugger99 · 08-10-2019 3:08pm

If I was asked, when the time came, by my Daughter's boyfriend for 'permission' to ask her to marry him, I would assume he was a beta.

I honestly wouldn't be comfortable with my Daughter marrying a beta and would advise her to refuse him.

eviltwin · 08-10-2019 3:13pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I find that most bizarre. Is it coming from an "I'm nobody's property" POV or what?

It would be a deal breaker for me too because it would mean my partner doesn't really know me very well.

If my daughters boyfriend asked me I'd think he was a bit of a twat. That's if he'd ask me seeing as I'm a woman.

08-10-2019 3:25pm

All easily solved. Remove the fairly sexist "tradition" of guy having to ask the woman to marry him.

People are very selective on the "traditions" they want to keep Vs those they wish to attack.

liquoriceall · 08-10-2019 3:33pm

I'm not sure why people insist this is a traditional thing? It was a tradition when people didn't make love matches. You asked the family so they could decide if you were capable of financially supporting her. My parents were married nearly 50 years ago in rural Ireland and my father certainly didn't ask my grandfather. Nobody in my immediate or extended family has done this. I am aware of friends doing it but personally find it odd.

08-10-2019 3:49pm

Deleted User wrote: »

All easily solved. Remove the fairly sexist "tradition" of guy having to ask the woman to marry him.

People are very selective on the "traditions" they want to keep Vs those they wish to attack.

This is a good point. Some people are dead set on the traditional proposal and/or wedding day itself. Would ladies be okay if their prospective husband said "you know, I don't really buy into the whole 'spending €5k+ on an engagement ring' thing, so we'll just go ahead without one", or would you see it as a cheapskate move?

08-10-2019 3:50pm

eviltwin wrote: »

It would be a deal breaker for me too because it would mean my partner doesn't really know me very well.

Yeah, but, dumping him?

08-10-2019 3:52pm

All traditions are dumb at face value. Brining a tree into your house at Christmas for example. People still do them because it's a little fun.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

optogirl · 08-10-2019 3:54pm

Deleted User wrote: »

All easily solved. Remove the fairly sexist "tradition" of guy having to ask the woman to marry him.

People are very selective on the "traditions" they want to keep Vs those they wish to attack.

No problem. It's ridiculous that the man feels they have to be the one to do it or a woman feels embarassed to do it. There was no proposal in our house - a general, do you think we should? I don't want to organise a wedding. We'll do it together. OK so.

D3V!L · 08-10-2019 3:58pm

I didn't ask my father in law. I only found out afterwards that he would have liked if I did as my wife is his only daughter. Anyway, I was lucky he was happy for me to marry his "little girl" so it worked out all well in the end.

optogirl · 08-10-2019 3:59pm

Deleted User wrote: »

This is a good point. Some people are dead set on the traditional proposal and/or wedding day itself. Would ladies be okay if their prospective husband said "you know, I don't really buy into the whole 'spending €5k+ on an engagement ring' thing, so we'll just go ahead without one", or would you see it as a cheapskate move?

Yep. No engagement ring here. Complete waste of money when you are planning a wedding, which is going to cost you money even if you do it cheap and cheerfully. Would much rather spend that on a holiday. However some people have different views on that I know ... depends on the couple. There's no one way to do this.

Zaph · 08-10-2019 4:05pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

If I was asked, when the time came, by my Daughter's boyfriend for 'permission' to ask her to marry him, I would assume he was a beta.

I honestly wouldn't be comfortable with my Daughter marrying a beta and would advise her to refuse him.

I don't know which is the greater nonsense, this post or asking the parents.

Snotty · 08-10-2019 4:19pm

I spoke to my FIL the day before we when on a holidays when i had planned to propose. I didn't ask permission but if that would have been what he wanted, i would have surely, but instead he didn't expect me to give him the heads up but he really appreciated it, we had a good relationship before, but i actually think this helped it along too. He's definitely old school rural Ireland and my wife didn't think I would speak to him, not because she didn't want me to, she just though its something I would never do.
Its definitely something that is going to be depended on the husband, wife, father, families, for some it wont even be a consideration, for some they will do it out of obligation and others will do it (like me) just because it seemed like a good start to joining their family. Protesting about it is probably making a bigger deal of it than it is, its a nice touch and a bonding experience between 2 males, one who is going to be older and maybe more old school.

Raconteuse · 08-10-2019 4:21pm

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

No, just asking the father does not respect both parents.

What's disrespectful about not asking the woman's father for her hand in marriage?

And what if it backfires and he says no?

It's a decision between the two people getting married, nobody else. The woman isn't a child who needs parental permission for anything - and I assume people who view this tradition as so essential for respect would object to the woman acting like a child in any other context, so why the exception?

Now if the dad would like it, and the future son-in-law would like to do it, and the woman is ok with it, and it's just a traditional thing that they feel good about doing, totally fair enough. But not doing so is not disrespectful. Seriously. Don't always view things as the thing to do just because they're traditional. Question things.

eviltwin · 08-10-2019 4:34pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah, but, dumping him?

Well I certainly would not have married him. I was living with him 13 years, we had kids, I had a house and a job, I wasnt a child. If he had thought it was appropriate to ask my dad in those circumstances he'd have been wrong. But he didn't cause he knows me and my dad would have been insulted. We didn't have a proposal, engagement ring or any of that mallarky either but I don't think traditions are all or nothing. People can like one and hate another.

Does the "asking for hand in marriage" tradition still go on?

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