Does the "asking for hand in marriage" tradition still go on?

Addle

Do you think will you have a ‘traditional’ wedding where her dad will walk her down the aisle/give her away?
Will she wear a white dress?
Will it mostly be men making speeches on the day?
Will she take your name, wear your engagement ring?
Then I don’t see why she’d object to or be offended by you letting her dad know you’re going to propose.

mirrorwall14

I think in a lot of cases it’s more a ‘I’m letting you know I will be proposing’ as opposed to the getting permission of old. My husband told my dad. They had a lovely moment and I thought it was nice. I might have thought it was less nice if it was permission he asked 😂😂

lawred2

Asking the father is absolute nonsense

lawred2

Scarinae wrote: »

This would really annoy me if I was in his position, they've held a grudge about it for four years?

Same.

WAW

Congratulations OP. Whatever works for yourselves OP, I'd say. We decided between the two of us to get married, neither asked the other. Then I rang his mother and he rang my father
( keeping it all egalitarian!), out of courtesy and respect not as in asking for their child's hand in marriage but more to include the parents, for their blessing on our intentions and to accept us into their families. But we were together a long time and parents knew us. It was more about them and what would have made them happy. It's always good to show respect to your own and intended's parents ( all things being equal), however you decide to show that respect. It's a mark of good character. It costs nothing, builds relationships, keeps your spouse happy and sets a good example to any children you might have. But, asking for hand in marriage isn't necessary, just if it's something yourselves feel like doing. No harm will come from such a tradition made with your own modern intentions, some offence may be taken from not doing it. Best of luck in your marriage.

Zaph

Zaph wrote: »

I certainly didn't do it before I proposed to my wife. In this day and age it's a ridiculous, outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father and is his to "give away". You're already in a long-standing, modern day relationship, why would you want to do something from the Dark Ages? And I know some people argue that it shows respect to the woman's parents, but what respect needs to be demonstrated at this stage after 5 years?

Or you judge your own situation best.

Easily argued that a diamond ring is outdated, as is the pressure all on the guy to propose, or welcoming into family, and definitely taking husband's family name.

OP you know your partner, is this something she wants/expects? Because she is your concern, not her parents.
I knew mine did so felt a responsibility to do it for her, hated every second of doing it and her father and I both knew that I was informing him and not asking him but it was a tradition which I knew would make my parnter happy.
No harm

robinph

shane b wrote: »

I agree it depends on the in-laws age and views. My in laws are in their late 60 and would have grown up with that tradition.
I did ask permission regarding my wife. My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

Is there some kind of weird time dilation effect going on where once someone turns 60 they suddenly grew up in the 1800's rather than the 1960's and 70's?

CyrilFiggis

I read a similar thread to this a few years ago - a poster insisted you had to ask the father before you spoke to your would-be fiancée because it ‘shows respect’.

Another poster asked him so, if the father says no, you won’t marry your girlfriend? The response was that he would of course marry her anyway. The second poster pointed out quite rightly that there was very little respect involved then.

Agree that it’s an outdated concept and needs to be relegated to history (my dad, 60s, would be disgusted if someone thought to ask him before his daughter and would lose all respect for the man!)

Zubeneschamali

In the OP's situation, where they are in fact already planning to get married and the whole engagement business is just a matter of announcing it, I'd be fine with keeping the father-in-law onside.

The caveman version is where yerman asks permission for a surprise proposal and would cancel if the da says no.

As a father, I would definitely tell any such idiot no.

citygal93

My partner and I had some conversations about this before we got engaged and I always told him that I would never want him to ask my parents "permission" - to be honest I think it would go against everything our relationship stands for. We're very much an "equal" couple and were living together 3 years before we got engaged - why on earth would he need to ask my parents permission for something that is so personal to the two of us? I'm baffled by the post above suggesting that he doesn't respect my parents for not asking them. At the end of the day this was a major decision between me and my partner. Not my parents and my partner.

theteal

I don't see it as asking permission, more of a "just letting you know" - sure her mother and sister were in the room at the time. The only persons permission you need is the OH.

Myself and MrsTeal had talked about it beforehand and she reckoned it would be a nice idea. I wrecked their heads by waiting a few months later before "officially" asking her - I had to make it something of a surprise.

PhoenixParker

Scarinae wrote: »

I talked about it with my fiancé and we agreed that we would talk to both of my parents and ask for their blessing before we told everyone else that we were engaged. Although we'd already started the wedding planning by then so it wouldn't have made any difference if they'd unexpectedly said they didn't agree with our decision.

This is more in keeping with traditional 19th century practice then the so-called "tradition" of asking Dad before asking the lady herself.

If you read your Jane Austen and similar novels of that era, it's exactly what occurs. Mr Darcy, for instance proposes to Elizabeth and gets rejected, no father involved. When he proposes again and gets accepted they return to her house. He goes and talks to her father and she tells her mom and sisters what's happening.

knipex

Slattsy wrote:

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

In 1970 maybe...

I didnt, none of my friends did and I am married well over a decade.

JeffKenna

What would you do if the Father said no?

robinph

knipex wrote: »

In 1970 maybe...

I didn't, none of my friends did and I am married well over a decade.

Since when did 1970 become so long ago.

zedhead

My finace and I had discussions over the years about this. I told him that I hated the tradition personally and I wanted to be the person to tell my parents that I was engaged, I didn't want them to know before I did. It is exciting news to share with the people closest to you. I told him if he ever was to propose I would rather he didn't disclose it to any of my friends or family first. I assumed he understood he could tell any of HIS friends or family but it turns out he ended up planning it all on his own and for the few months he was planning it he didn't tell a sole. It was lovely being able to share the news with our families together.

If my dad had a problem with it, he never said anything and if he did I would be telling him is issue is with me and not my finace.

I think its really down to what your partner would like. Even if it is something that is very important to her parents, you should respect her wishes more than theirs.

DaeryssaOne

I had always warned my OH that I was not a piece of property and considering we had already lived together for years I didn't want him asking my dad before he asked me!

On the night he proposed however when we told my parents I could see how disappointed my dad was that he hadn't been included (like he had with my sister). He never said anything but I felt quite bad about it and ended up wishing that they had just had a pint together a few days before just so my dad could feel like he was in the know.

I think OP there's no need to overthink it, it's not like the old days where they need to discuss a dowry or something, it's just taking him for a pint or dropping in with a bottle of wine and letting him/them know that you intend proposing.

baby and crumble

Someone asked above what 2 women do.

Usually (as in my case) 1 asks. Other says 'yes' hopefully.

They plan a wedding together.

The end. I've never heard of any of my queer friends who are married asking for anyones hand.

I really think that asking permission or even giving a 'heads up' is outdated nonsense. It is LITERALLY nobodies business but mine who I chose to be in a relationship with or how I choose to progress that relationship.

Likewise being walked down the aisle, or given away etc. Especially when the couple in question have been together a while or like in the OPs case have a child together. It's BIZARRE.

Having said all that, if and when I'm at weddings where people are given away or whatever, i don't think they're backwards. I just know it's definitely not my taste, and not what I wanted to do or even did at my own wedding. A little tiny part of me internally rolls my eyes, I won't lie, but at the end of the day it's each to their own.

Just because something is a tradition, doesn't mean it's a good tradition. It doesn't mean it's appropriate or the right thing to do for everyone. For some it'll be perfect. For others it'll be bizarre.

So many traditions are "nonsense". But they're often just a little bit of fun, which is why we retain them.

They're not for everyone, and that's fine. No one needs to be judgemental.

baby and crumble

Deleted User wrote: »

So many traditions are "nonsense". But they're often just a little bit of fun, which is why we retain them.

They're not for everyone, and that's fine. No one needs to be judgemental.

I think they stop being 'a bit of fun' when someone like the OP has to essentially do something that I don't think she actually wants to do (have her partner ask her Dad for permission to ask her to marry him) in order for the Dad to not take the hump and get upset by it. There's mentions of people on thread who's father-in-laws prefer other husbands who 'married in' - not because they're nicer, but because they asked for 'permission'. That's a bonkers scenario by anyone's standards, surely?

Weddings really are not for the faint-hearted. I don't mean marriage. I mean the actual wedding. More chances for random people to get upset because they think their tradition is more important than the wishes of the couple. I saw it in my own wedding planning, but thankfully we were old enough to put our foot down with families, and also there are a lot less traditions to manage as a same-sex couple. Nobody knew what to expect with ours so they were quite surprised at how traditional it really was on the day! :pac::pac:

Pawwed Rig

I agree with you to a degree B&C but the walking down the aisle I would see more of getting people involved in the celebration. I definitely didn't see it as my wife's parents (mother in our case) giving her away.

Jaysus we were making up roles for nephews an nieces by the morning of our wedding trying to include people. One kid ended up being 'the lord of the rings'.

Depends on how you see it for me.

baby and crumble

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I agree with you to a degree B&C but the walking down the aisle I would see more of getting people involved in the celebration. I definitely didn't see it as my wife's parents (mother in our case) giving her away.

Jaysus we were making up roles for nephews an nieces by the morning of our wedding trying to include people. One kid ended up being 'the lord of the rings'.

OUTSTANDING. :pac::pac::pac:

I know, I still find it weird though. Then again, I come from a family that love each other dearly and fiercely, but don't always want 'involvement'. My Dad probably wouldn't have refused walking me down the aisle but wouldn't have been too enthusiastic about it. I actually think it would have felt strange at my age (35 when we married) have be walked somewhere by my parents?

Anyway, I reckon I might be in a minority on that one, so fair enough.

zedhead

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I agree with you to a degree B&C but the walking down the aisle I would see more of getting people involved in the celebration. I definitely didn't see it as my wife's parents (mother in our case) giving her away.

Jaysus we were making up roles for nephews an nieces by the morning of our wedding trying to include people. One kid ended up being 'the lord of the rings'.

Depends on how you see it for me.

I agree with this. I hated the idea of my fiance speaking to my dad before we got engaged but I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle (or well into the registry office room, not sure how much of an aisle there is). For me its not about him giving me about but about having a few moments with just my dad on the morning of the wedding. My mum is involved so much more (dress shopping, since my sister is the only bridesmaid we will include her in picking that dress and the 3 of us will pick my mums outfit together - she will be getting hair and make up done with us on the morning, coming to get nails done before, invited to the hen etc), that this is the way I feel I can really have my dad involved in things.

But to each their own. I have found that weddings are a minefield. Lots of things cause problems and upset that I thought would be fairly straightforward. But like B&C I am learning that I just need to put my foot down and then people move on and get on board.

Electric Sheep

It's also traditional to be married before having kids. Having someone ask permission for marriage to a grown woman who has already made the commitment of parenthood is cringe inducing.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think they stop being 'a bit of fun' when someone like the OP has to essentially do something that I don't think she actually wants to do (have her partner ask her Dad for permission to ask her to marry him) in order for the Dad to not take the hump and get upset by it. There's mentions of people on thread who's father-in-laws prefer other husbands who 'married in' - not because they're nicer, but because they asked for 'permission'. That's a bonkers scenario by anyone's standards, surely?

Weddings really are not for the faint-hearted. I don't mean marriage. I mean the actual wedding. More chances for random people to get upset because they think their tradition is more important than the wishes of the couple. I saw it in my own wedding planning, but thankfully we were old enough to put our foot down with families, and also there are a lot less traditions to manage as a same-sex couple. Nobody knew what to expect with ours so they were quite surprised at how traditional it really was on the day! :pac::pac:

If they don't want to do it then they shouldn't. You won't find many people saying it should be mandatory, certainly not me.

But I won't judge anyone who wants to do it. But would say you'd want to be fairly sure as to what the brides preference is.

love_love

As I've said before, I told my now-husband that I liked the idea of him speaking to my dad prior to proposing. Not for permission, just to let him know. They have a special relationship and I knew my dad would feel special at being included. My dad's reaction was pretty much as I expected it to be, "What are you telling me for, sure it up to yous" so there was definitely no misunderstanding there. My dad also walked me down the aisle, which some people (my sister especially) were surprised that I'd go for something so "traditional" but, again, it just felt right. I know what it traditionally represents but to me it's as silly to do something you don't want to do for tradition's sake as it is to not do something that you want to do simply because it's traditional.

To respond to the OP, you know your family best. I wouldn't be too concerned as to what "the done thing" is because your family's expectations are individual to them, regardless of what anyone else is doing. Then it's up to you to decide if you and your partner feel comfortable with meeting your family's expectations if they don't match up with your own.

robinph

love_love wrote: »

As I've said before, I told my now-husband that I liked the idea of him speaking to my dad prior to proposing. Not for permission, just to let him know. They have a special relationship and I knew my dad would feel special at being included. My dad's reaction was pretty much as I expected it to be, "What are you telling me for, sure it up to yous" so there was definitely no misunderstanding there

That sounds like there was a misunderstanding between you and your now-husband though and you were setting him up to make a fool of himself infront of your father. Why on earth did you make him go through with the charade as you knew it wasn't something your father was going to give a damn about?

blue note

I always hate seeing how intolerant so many people are of other people's choice to ask permission or not. We're long past the time where you have to ask the father's permission to marry his daughter. But some people still like the idea for a variety of reasons. Often they just want the father to feel included. The mother will be at the dress shopping and will be far more involved in general in the wedding (generally speaking). It can be a way of including him. Maybe they value their father's opinion and think this is a nice way of getting him to admit he thinks you made a good choice. Maybe it's the starter for a rare meaningful conversation your partner will have with your father. But whatever the reason, however rational or not, if your (hopefully) wife to be would like you to ask her father's permission, then I would regard it as a show of respect to your partner to have that awkward conversation with her father. If you feel strongly against it, then you've a decision to make.

If the opposite is true and she does not like the tradition or even hates it, then don't do it. But whether you decide to do it or not, or whatever your opinions on it, don't judge other people for what they decide to do. It does not affect you!!!

P. S. I decided to ask both my partners parents. It's a close family and we bought a house just down the road from them, and I felt it was a nice way to officially ask to be accepted into the family prior to proposing to my gf. I also thought it was nice for them to be excited about it for a few days before getting the phone call.

blacklilly

It entirely depends on the couple in question, what works for one, won't work for another.

I don't think its fair to say it is outdated. It's a personal choice and it's one that meant so much to me.

In my case, I had previously mentioned that I would like my now fiance to give my dad a heads up. For me personally, I have a very strong connection/relationship to my dad, I'm his only daughter and we have been through some very trying times in recent years with illness etc. So for me personally, I really wanted him to feel included if that makes sense.

His reply to my finance when he told him he was going to pop the question was "that's fine with me but it'll be Blacklilly's decision":pac:

baby and crumble

To be fair, I think it's important to go back the OP's question - some folks seem to think the OP is a guy who is asking whether or not he should ask the Dad re: asking his GF. that's not the case. The OP is asking whether or not it's necessary and likely to cause offence if her BF doesn't ask her Dad for permission to ask her to marry him, even though they have a child together and are planning to get married regardless.

If nothing else it shows that the topic is mixed, and really the only way to know that is to ask the Dad himself, but that sort of negates the purpose really.

A nice way to cover all bases might be for the BF to ask both of the OP's parents for their blessing and support in moving forward with this stage of their lives. That way everyone is probably happy, it's not like it has patriarchal overtones that some folks on thread have pointed out they would hate to be party to, and also appease those on thread who think it's the height of rudeness and ignorance NOT the ask the dad.