Does the "asking for hand in marriage" tradition still go on?

Bizybird

Hi Folks!

Just wondering what everyone's general opinion would be regarding my partner asking my dad for my hand in marriage.

Do people still do this? We plan on getting engaged soon. I guess you could say we pretty much are. Just saving for the ring at the moment. We're together 5 years and have a 1 year old son so I guess you could say it's serious 😂.

Jokes aside, we know we're in it for the long haul, that's been agreed, as has me not wanting the "down on one knee" proposal. That's just a personal thing for me! But because we know we're getting married, getting engaged, is there still a need for him to ask? I was actually hoping to surprise my parents with the engagement, which I know they'd be thrilled with! But I can't help but wonder if my partner would be judged especially if my sister's partner does decide to ask my father (her engagement will be a surprise) when the time comes for them.

All opinions will be well received!

TIA

Zaph

I certainly didn't do it before I proposed to my wife. In this day and age it's a ridiculous, outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father and is his to "give away". You're already in a long-standing, modern day relationship, why would you want to do something from the Dark Ages? And I know some people argue that it shows respect to the woman's parents, but what respect needs to be demonstrated at this stage after 5 years?

eviltwin

Why do you think your partner would be judged?

Judged by who and for what?

Slattsy

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

Jasper79

Bizybird wrote: »

Hi Folks!

Just wondering what everyone's general opinion would be regarding my partner asking my dad for my hand in marriage.

Do people still do this? We plan on getting engaged soon. I guess you could say we pretty much are. Just saving for the ring at the moment. We're together 5 years and have a 1 year old son so I guess you could say it's serious 😂.

Jokes aside, we know we're in it for the long haul, that's been agreed, as has me not wanting the "down on one knee" proposal. That's just a personal thing for me! But because we know we're getting married, getting engaged, is there still a need for him to ask? I was actually hoping to surprise my parents with the engagement, which I know they'd be thrilled with! But I can't help but wonder if my partner would be judged especially if my sister's partner does decide to ask my father (her engagement will be a surprise) when the time comes for them.

All opinions will be well received!

TIA

I didn't and know wife wouldn't had wanted it anyways its an outdated tradition in my opinion. Only person that needs to be asked is the partner.

El_Duderino 09

It depends on the inlaws. My FIL would probably have preferred if I had done it. But he would by no means hold it against me. My Mrs wouldn't have minded of I did it either because she's on great terms with her parents and would like them to.be happy, even though the idea is completely outdated.

I remember a few years beforehand I pulled him aside for a chat and I think he thought I was going to ask. In fact it was something I wanted his advice on. Not sure if he was disappointed or not in the end. In reality, he knows his daughter isn't the most traditional so I would always have decided to get married with her before talking to parents about it.

If you think your parents in law would appreciate it, then it can do little harm. Ebven if you get engaged and then "ask permission" after as a courtesy.

Zaph

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

That's complete and utter nonsense. I respect my wife's parents and have had a very good relationship with them since I first met them. I don't respect them any less because I didn't ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. In fact it would have been hugely disrespectful to my wife as I know it's something she really wouldn't have wanted me to do.

Electric Nitwit

I didn't, and wouldn't have dreamt of it. I know my wife would have been offended by, as Zaph said above, the outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father. I think (anecdotally) it's getting pretty rare these days

Pawwed Rig

I would say it is disrespectful to the partner. Almost as if her opinion is an after thought. If a guy asked me for my 'daughters hand' I would be telling him that she can make her own decisions without needing her Dad's approval.


At least I hope she will. She is only 3 so if I still have to make decisions for her when she is of age I will consider my parenting a failure.

It's not so much asking their permission, more a case of telling them your intention, for which you'll got their blessing.

People still like it as a bit of tradition, but I think you would usually have heard your gf's opinion.

shane b

I agree it depends on the in-laws age and views. My in laws are in their late 60 and would have grown up with that tradition.
I did ask permission regarding my wife. My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

GDK_11

Whatever you want here I reckon. I spoke to my her dad before I popped the question, but I didn’t ask him, I kind of told him I would be doing it. Had he had said I don’t want you marrying my daughter (not that he would have) I still would have asked her anyway.

I never saw it as she was her dads to give away, just a respect thing from my side and she was happy I did it to.

Whatever works for you, personally don’t see a right or wrong here.

julyjane

I would marry my fiancé if he'd asked my father's permission first. Having said that I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the conversation took place because my father would probably only laugh at him and ask him did he know what he was letting himself in for.

jaxxx

F*ck tradition. If a woman asks a man to marry her, does she need to ask his parents 'permission'? GTFO with these archaic practices and wake up. It's got nothing to do with 'respect' for the parents. 'Tradition' is nothing but an excuse to justify something that there is no justification for. It used to be 'tradition' for only males to vote. It used to be 'tradition' for left handed people to be forced to use their right hands. As I said already, f*ck tradition".

^ I'm male btw, just FYI.

Pawwed Rig

GDK_11 wrote: »

Whatever you want here I reckon. I spoke to my now her dad before I popped the question, but I didn’t ask him, I kind of told him I would be doing it. Had he had said I don’t want you marrying my daughter (not that he would have) I still would have asked her anyway.

I never saw it as she was her dads to give away, just a respect thing from my side and she was happy I did it to.

Whatever works for you, personally don’t see a right or wrong here.

So do you not 'respect' her mother?

TheChizler

I kind of did it recently, normally wouldn't entertain that nonsense but I knew my fianceé wanted me to talk to him first. So I gave him a heads up basically. It was a lovely man to man moment actually, and my fianceé was delighted afterwards. I knew she knew I was planning on proposing and we'd jokingly discussed talking to him beforehand, wouldn't have done it if it was something out of the blue.

Slattsy

Zaph wrote: »

That's complete and utter nonsense. I respect my wife's parents and have had a very good relationship with them since I first met them. I don't respect them any less because I didn't ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. In fact it would have been hugely disrespectful to my wife as I know it's something she really wouldn't have wanted me to do.

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

jaxxx

Another thing, why has it got the be the father that has to be asked? The mother has no say then? Blatant misogyny in disguise, on 2 levels!

Slattsy wrote: »

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

BULLSH*T!

GDK_11

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

So do you not 'respect' her mother?

Absolutely I respect her mother. The issue is whilst her mother is a lovely person she also likes to gossip a bit, chances are my then girlfriend would have known of the planned engagement before I had asked her

Zaph

Slattsy wrote: »

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

jaxxx

Zaph wrote: »

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

I believe the "logic" goes something like this........

Toots

Folks, just a reminder to keep it civil. Everyone has different views on this topic, so please be respectful of that in the discussion.

jaxxx

Toots wrote: »

Folks, just a reminder to keep it civil. Everyone has different views on this topic, so please be respectful of that in the discussion.

Your name reminds me of the poor wee doggo in the lassie movie with Peter Dinklage from many moons ago

Scarinae

It really depends on the parents and on the woman herself (sidenote - what happens in same-sex relationships? If it is two women getting married, are they both expected to ask the other's father for permission?)

I talked about it with my fiancé and we agreed that we would talk to both of my parents and ask for their blessing before we told everyone else that we were engaged. Although we'd already started the wedding planning by then so it wouldn't have made any difference if they'd unexpectedly said they didn't agree with our decision.

My sister's husband asked my father for permission, and he said it was up to her and not him! Although he jokingly brought up in his speech on the wedding day that he'd never technically given permission. My brother didn't ask his wife's father for permission, as he knew she wouldn't have liked it.

I'm pretty sure my father didn't ask my mother's parents for permission before they got engaged (in the 70s) as my mother has told me about calling home to tell her family the news. So in my family it certainly wouldn't be the norm, you just need to know your audience.

Vote4Napoleon

Zaph wrote:

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

Deep breaths and count to ten

HamSarris

Of course it’s the right thing to do. He will no longer have a daughter to plough the fields and wash his clothes.

Fall_Guy

jaxxx wrote: »

F*ck tradition. If a woman asks a man to marry her, does she need to ask his parents 'permission'? GTFO with these archaic practices and wake up. It's got nothing to do with 'respect' for the parents. 'Tradition' is nothing but an excuse to justify something that there is no justification for. It used to be 'tradition' for only males to vote. It used to be 'tradition' for left handed people to be forced to use their right hands. As I said already, f*ck tradition".

^ I'm male btw, just FYI.

I think you are taking an extreme view of things here..... Yes, tradition can be used to justify the unjustifiable, or allow old institutions to hang on to power or influence they should no longer have in a modern society (I'm thinking along the lines of the tradition of non-practicing catholics continuing to baptise their kids, which allows the Catholic Church to point to this tradition in maintaining their stranglehold on education, for example).

But I think this case is more benevolent, the fact that the practice endures in many cases isn't an attempt on anyone's part to cling onto the bygone days of giving away your prized daughter or dowries or the likes, any more than a father "giving away" his daughter during the ceremony is.

For the record, I didn't ask, or even tell, my father in law before asking my wife. And as it turned out, to my shock, she would have liked me to. She is a vocal feminist in most areas, though we are all more than a catch-all term, and can place value on certain things regardless of any general world view we may generally identify with.

I didn't consider it a sign of disrespect not to ask her father, on the contrary I would have considered it a sign of disrespect to ask, for the reasons you outlined above. It just happened that, in my case, I was wrong.

Do whatever feels right to you.

listermint

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

I didn't ask my in-laws. My wife would have scoffed at it too. I've gotten on great with them before and after.

Frankly probably better than the brother in law who did ask, slightly favourite in that aspect.

Amazing how someone's views can be so skewed to be absurd.

Traditional? Pffft sorry , delusions of grandeur and some notion that it gives you kudos respect points.... It doesn't

VW 1

All depends on the partner and parent. My wife's father is old school like that so I mentioned I was going to propose a few days before I did. No permission asked. He was delighted that I did, and so was my wife when I told her I had spoken with him. Horses for courses, you know your partner and her father, do what you think is best OP.

Scarinae

shane b wrote: »

My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

This would really annoy me if I was in his position, they've held a grudge about it for four years?

Mrs OBumble

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

How many cows and/ or road frontage would you expect the parents to provide for each of their daughters?