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What's the etiquette here??

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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    The say that the 1030 evacuation in Government offices is somewhat akin to the great migration of wildebeest across the Serengeti.

    As the full breakfast begins to sink toward nethers, there is a discernible drift toward the various bogs where the banging of doors, the tinkle of released belts,the satisfied sighs of flesh hitting seats before the roar of a full gut being splattered hard onto the pewter.

    One poor lad who missed the 1030 ‘dump’ had to wait for a ‘slot’ around 1055.

    Had the laptop with him and a hefty load, well ‘overcooked’in the ‘oven’.

    Left the laptop half open at ‘procedures and privileges page’ on the seat but such was his haste to blow forgot it was there and fired ‘from the stoop position’ covering the device in a shower of hot loose midden.

    Could well be an urban myth but I’ve heard that ‘story’ doing the rounds.

    I heard that the laptop was unusable after the incident and was written off as ‘accidental contamination’

    Cannot verify that.

    Similar story when I was working in the new Central Bank.

    You'd be blessed to find a free trap by 10.35, and even if you did it would be coated with spatters, arse pubes and a warm hum from the last fellas oversized hole.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,871 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Ush1 wrote: »
    Similar story when I was working in the new Central Bank.

    You'd be blessed to find a free trap by 10.35, and even if you did it would be coated with spatters, arse pubes and a warm hum from the last fellas oversized hole.

    Yes, and sometimes there’s a log left which would lead one to believe that the lad had a hole like the sleeve of an overcoat:mad:

    Or had some kind of ‘drawstring ‘ contraption on his hoop.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    There’s only one thing worse than a cold seat, and that’s a warm one.

    Well, maybe a warm one with a sweat patch at the back with a few short and curlies dotted about for good measure.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,184 ✭✭✭TomSweeney


    The say that the 1030 evacuation in Government offices is somewhat akin to the great migration of wildebeest across the Serengeti.

    As the full breakfast begins to sink toward nethers, there is a discernible drift toward the various bogs where the banging of doors, the tinkle of released belts,the satisfied sighs of flesh hitting seats before the roar of a full gut being splattered hard onto the pewter.

    One poor lad who missed the 1030 ‘dump’ had to wait for a ‘slot’ around 1055.

    Had the laptop with him and a hefty load, well ‘overcooked’in the ‘oven’.

    Left the laptop half open at ‘procedures and privileges page’ on the seat but such was his haste to blow forgot it was there and fired ‘from the stoop position’ covering the device in a shower of hot loose midden.

    Could well be an urban myth but I’ve heard that ‘story’ doing the rounds.

    I heard that the laptop was unusable after the incident and was written off as ‘accidental contamination’

    Cannot verify that.


    I'm ****ing crying in work here .... my 3 fav posters
    pintman
    johnnyflash
    and now Brendan Bendar


    keep it coming lads!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    The say that the 1030 evacuation in Government offices is somewhat akin to the great migration of wildebeest across the Serengeti.

    As the full breakfast begins to sink toward nethers, there is a discernible drift toward the various bogs where the banging of doors, the tinkle of released belts,the satisfied sighs of flesh hitting seats before the roar of a full gut being splattered hard onto the pewter.

    One poor lad who missed the 1030 ‘dump’ had to wait for a ‘slot’ around 1055.

    Had the laptop with him and a hefty load, well ‘overcooked’in the ‘oven’.

    Left the laptop half open at ‘procedures and privileges page’ on the seat but such was his haste to blow forgot it was there and fired ‘from the stoop position’ covering the device in a shower of hot loose midden.

    Could well be an urban myth but I’ve heard that ‘story’ doing the rounds.

    I heard that the laptop was unusable after the incident and was written off as ‘accidental contamination’

    Cannot verify that.

    It happened, Brendan - Department of Education I believe.

    Secretary General was in a meeting with the Minister at the time, but was called out due to a ‘Code Red’.

    The guy who had the accident was moved to another department by the end of the day - all very hush hush. Heard he now works in the Dept of Agriculture - something to do with measuring emissions and effluent runoff. So obviously at least one civil servant has a sense of humour.

    Don’t know what happened the laptop, but EY charged the department almost quarter of a million to come up with an independent report on what happened and how it could be avoided in the future.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,871 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    There’s only one thing worse than a cold seat, and that’s a warm one.

    Well, maybe a warm one with a sweat patch at the back with a few short and curlies dotted about for good measure.

    Aaah the auld toilet fuse wire Emmett, I’d do a quick 180 if I saw those conditions.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    It happened, Brendan - Department of Education I believe.

    Secretary General was in a meeting with the Minister at the time, but was called out due to a ‘Code Red’.

    The guy who had the accident was moved to another department by the end of the day - all very hush hush. Heard he now works in the Dept of Agriculture - something to do with measuring emissions and effluent runoff. So obviously at least one civil servant has a sense of humour.

    Don’t know what happened the laptop, but EY charged the department almost quarter of a million to come up with an independent report on what happened and how it could be avoided in the future.

    I heard PwC was also involved in the tendering for the report but in the end they didn't have the faecal expertise.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 689 ✭✭✭Ray Bloody Purchase


    We've only two traps in the jacks in work. It's a very, very quiet toilet. If someone else comes in and i'm mid evacuation, it causes my spinchter to shut up shop tighter than a gnats fanny.

    Very inconvenient as there's unfinished business so to speak, which usually leads to a second visit on company time.

    Thinking of getting my rusty bullethole some counselling to make it less socially awkward and be able to speak up in public.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    We've only two traps in the jacks in work. It's a very, very quiet toilet. If someone else comes in and i'm mid evacuation, it causes my spinchter to shut up shop tighter than a gnats fanny.

    Very inconvenient as there's unfinished business so to speak, which usually leads to a second visit on company time.

    Thinking of getting my rusty bullethole some counselling to make it less socially awkward and be able to speak up in public.

    Sounds like you’ve a neurotic arsehole.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    So why have two cubicles in the first place?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 689 ✭✭✭Ray Bloody Purchase


    Sounds like you’ve a neurotic arsehole.

    Just a bit bashful, not used to having to perform to an audience.

    Most unsettling. :(


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,759 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    It happened, Brendan - Department of Education I believe.

    Secretary General was in a meeting with the Minister at the time, but was called out due to a ‘Code Red’.
    .

    Code brown, surely?
    Some offices I've worked in should have had the harp symbol outside changed to a biohazard one.
    It was a rare day when I could go to the toilet at work and not encounter a fetid log stewing in a bowl of oxtail soup, a miasma of clerical officers' lower colon or the sound of a flock of ducks emanating from behind a thin door.
    Sometimes all three.
    And in the midst of this, someone brushing their teeth at the sinks with the brush they had left permanently on a shelf in there....


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Sounds like you’ve a neurotic arsehole.

    A shy bowel. Devastating affliction, I’ve heard. Whatever about getting state fright at a urinal you should always feel safe in the confines of a cubicle.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    I have to admire the OP's passionate description of the bowl movements. The bile was dripping off the screen. Love it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Aglomerado wrote: »
    Code brown, surely?
    Some offices I've worked in should have had the harp symbol outside changed to a biohazard one.
    It was a rare day when I could go to the toilet at work and not encounter a fetid log stewing in a bowl of oxtail soup, a miasma of clerical officers' lower colon or the sound of a flock of ducks emanating from behind a thin door.
    Sometimes all three.
    And in the midst of this, someone brushing their teeth at the sinks with the brush they had left permanently on a shelf in there....

    There’s nothing wrong with a civil servant having a strong and enthusiastic bowel movement. It’s said that TK Whitaker would partake in one each morning before getting down to the business of trying to reform the country. And was once heard to announce after emerging from the executive shîtters, ‘Jesus lads, if I was a boxer then I’d just have dropped 3 weight divisions’.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,018 ✭✭✭✭jmayo


    Anways, it got to about half 10 and I felt my 'sheriff's badge' starting to twitch. Headed into the jacks and dropped a serious anchor into Brown Water Bay. I was sitting there afterwards on my phone when what do I hear but the jacks door opening, and someone heading into the stall beside mine. Down go the trousers, a slight groan, a string of watery farts, and then a noise that sounded like a box of old boots being thrown out of an attic. A smaller fart to finish up, and a deep exhalation of breath. :eek:

    Ahh all is not lost in little old Ireland when any man can describe such a mundane occurrence as a visit to the toilet in such flowery prose.

    One could say the imagery is simply dripping off the page or in this case the screen.

    And here was me thinking it was only romance and the fairer sex that the OP covered in such detail.

    Our past literary masters would be proud.

    Keep up the good work.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 689 ✭✭✭Ray Bloody Purchase


    A shy bowel. Devastating affliction, I’ve heard. Whatever about getting state fright at a urinal you should always feel safe in the confines of a cubicle.

    There's deafening silence in this jacks. It's not good when you hear the splash in stall two and possibly describe the occupants ejection on the Bristol Chart.

    Also makes the post incident paperwork particularly noisy.

    Would it be too much to ask an employer to play some background music, might help calm 'the nerves' all round?


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,018 ✭✭✭✭jmayo


    Was he Greek? You can’t put paper in the toilets over there. There’s a disgusting bin beside the toilet that you have to stuff them in.

    A vile but necessary practice.

    That's the case with a lot of jacks in **** hole countries with substandard sewage systems. I refuse to use them and throw the paper in the toilet. The toilets always absolutely reek. It's normally a hot country too which doesn't help matters.

    Ehh I have seen better built toilets in Greece than around Ireland.
    Oh and they aren't as many building failing fire safety checks over there either.
    Although their solution is probably to lower the criteria.

    I like Greece, lovely friendly people, very cash oriented, drive like proper drivers no pussy footing about, and no parking charges or parking wardens.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,018 ✭✭✭✭jmayo


    There's deafening silence in this jacks. It's not good when you hear the splash in stall two and possibly describe the occupants ejection on the Bristol Chart.

    Also makes the post incident paperwork particularly noisy.

    Would it be too much to ask an employer to play some background music, might help calm 'the nerves' all round?

    Johnny Cash's "Ring Of Fire" perhaps ?
    Followed by "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Relax"
    or maybe Screaming Jay Hawkins's "Constipation Blues" ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    jmayo wrote: »
    Ehh I have seen better built toilets in Greece than around Ireland.
    Oh and they aren't as many building failing fire safety checks over there either.
    Although their solution is probably to lower the criteria.

    I like Greece, lovely friendly people, very cash oriented, drive like proper drivers no pussy footing about, and no parking charges or parking wardens.

    What has any of that to do with taking a shïte?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 689 ✭✭✭Ray Bloody Purchase


    jmayo wrote: »
    Johnny Cash's "Ring Of Fire" perhaps ?
    Followed by "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Relax"
    or maybe Screaming Jay Hawkins's "Constipation Blues" ?

    Don't be so crude. I'd much rather some orchestral movements, Beethoven Symphony no. 8 or Bruckner Symphony no. 7 for example.

    For a spinchter of a more discerning disposition.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Don't be so crude. I'd much rather some orchestral movements, Beethoven Symphony no. 8 or Bruckner Symphony no. 7 for example.

    For a spinchter of a more discerning disposition.

    A stirring movement to assist with...well, stirring movements.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 13,018 ✭✭✭✭jmayo


    What has any of that to do with taking a sh?

    Ehh your mate Pintman had a pop at Greece and their toilets.
    I am just standing up for the Greeks.

    Great bunch as far as I am concerned.
    Did you know they invented gayness ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    jmayo wrote: »
    Ehh I have seen better built toilets in Greece than around Ireland.

    A highly dubious claim. The pipe system in Greece is ancient and can’t handle bog roll.

    Even in the remotest parts of Ireland you’d be met with a toilet that won’t get blocked. It may have newspaper cut into squares hanging from a nail in the wall and require a small shovel of sawdust followed by a shovel of ash but you won’t be met with water spilling over the top or a bin full of ****ty tissue.

    The tide is turning…



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 689 ✭✭✭Ray Bloody Purchase


    A stirring movement to assist with...well, stirring movements.

    Ride of the Valkyries would be apt to soundtrack a particularly 'epic' movement subsequent to a large volume intake of the nefarious black liquid originating from St. James Gate, Dublin 8.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    A shy bowel. Devastating affliction, I’ve heard. Whatever about getting state fright at a urinal you should always feel safe in the confines of a cubicle.

    Also known as PAS(Puckered Anus Syndrome).


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    I work in a small office of 7 people. 5 women and myself and my male business partner.

    Now the men's toilet is upstairs by the kitchenette and there is a stud partition wall dividing the men's and the lady who works in accounts.

    So it is just not possible to have a nice relaxing dump when she is a mere 2 feet away on the other side of the wall.

    As she starts work at 10 either I do it then or else it is off over to Tesco for 15-20 minutes. Plus I alwayt have to flush at least 2 which is embarrassing.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 262 ✭✭TomasMacR


    I work in a small office of 7 people. 5 women and myself and my male business partner.

    Now the men's toilet is upstairs by the kitchenette and there is a stud partition wall dividing the men's and the lady who works in accounts.

    So it is just not possible to have a nice relaxing dump when she is a mere 2 feet away on the other side of the wall.

    As she starts work at 10 either I do it then or else it is off over to Tesco for 15-20 minutes. Plus I alwayt have to flush at least 2 which is embarrassing.

    with a username like yours, it's probably for the best that you are heading over to tesco's.

    ...genuine question, is this civil service toileting priority given according to seniority a real thing or is it some kind of urban myth? and if so, is there actual provision made for this where it is explicitly written in some kind of office rule or is just the usual hierarchical nonsense that still exists in the civil service to a large extent and thus just etiquette that you'd step aside for your senior?


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Can I ask what's the story with jacks in civil service offices ?
    Why have they such a rep. for awful scutter ?

    Are the jacks in Google sweet scented perfumed heavens that are always empty ?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,942 ✭✭✭topper75


    I’m not going to fire him - it just crossed my mind for a second. He’s a good worker and doesn’t drink as much as the other Eastern European’s I employ. I just think what he did was vile and unnecessary, and I can’t forget what I heard and smelled. He should have waited if he could at all. Might have a chat with him on Monday about it.

    We weren't there now so all we have to go on is your reporting.
    Are you saying your deposit wasn't so noxious by comparison? Your '**** didn't stink', so to speak?
    Can't believe the 'pool didn't at least nab a third.


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