What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I agree with you, using the shítters in pubs is rarely a nice experience but sometimes needs must and you just have to face it head on and hope for the best.

You talk all you want about “going at home” but that’s cold comfort when you’re “out and about” and nature comes calling.

And then it touches the cold rim and you think, instant STD

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

If in doubt, the ‘turban’ procedure is your man.

Wrap the knob in arse tissue, two or three layers and then you can rest the unit on the rim in confidence.

No crabs getting thru a good turban, bro.

Then just shake her off or leave as a trophy on the window sill.

I used to regularly travel to Germany on important business some years back.

50c at the time to use most facilities on the excellent Autobahn network, although that was cost neutral as you got a meal voucher back.

The toilet seats were self cleaning.... that's right, self cleaning.
The seat would rotate on a complex set of rollers when flushed, through some sort of disinfected sponge.

No need for caveman like tomfoolery (admittedly unavoidable at times) with tissue and tucking in etc

Never seen anything like it in these isles since and probably never will.

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Point of order there padraig but I don't think driving a lorry full of tampons from Germany back to Ireland qualifies as important business.

Tell that to a woman in a bad mood Paddy.

Just boarded a plane back from Lanzarote, hopped into the jacks before everyone was even seated and was greeted with this fine scene.



Its unlikely to be what it looks like, but it raised an eyebrow none the less.

It's better than being met by a bowl of chocolate arse cake which is all-too common a sight.

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Anyway to cut the story short, Leinster attacking, lost control of the beaker dropped it and showered the two ladies in piss.

Luckily they thought it was just lager and after apologizing profusely the matter ended there.

Would be hard to tell the difference with Heineken, all right

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Those rotating toilet seats aren't all they're cracked up to be.
I distinctly remember a video doing the rounds of one in action where someone had left a sizeable deposit on the seat, only for it to be smeared around with total coverage as it spun, like spreading Nutella around a bagel. Dirty bollixs.

There's a bit of assumed etiquette involved Voo.

Nothing unreasonable.

I was in a hotel on Saturday with a large walking group. Before we set off most of us decided to use the facilities in case we got caught short while out and about.
I queued up outside a single toilet with two other women. When the first one went in, I was chatting to the second about the walk. She went in and was in there for about five minutes. When she emerged she was very downcast and averted her eyes from mine.
When I went in I understood why. A miasma of arse soup or faecalbreeze (TM) hung in the air and the bowl was liberally streaked with brown stripes,as if the turd had fingers and had clung on for dear life as it was sucked down the u bend.
I did a very quick wee and emerged praying that no-one else was waiting outside thinking I was responsible for the horrendous stench.

I was lucky that there wasn't, and I carried on my way with a new appreciation for fresh air.

Lesson learnt: if she's taking too long, prepare for a pong.

partyguinness wrote: »

Stayed in a classy hotel in London Friday night.

Now, normally when staying in a hotel I will always make an excuse to head down to the lobby to drop off the Cosby kids. Will never use the room toilet if sharing with the missus.

I was about to step into the shower Saturday morning, water running bollock naked and then bang...no waiting around and no way out of it. I had to use the toilet. But being quick and water running nobody would have been the wiser.

Unfortunately I ruined the toilet and no fcuking toilet brush no matter how many times I flushed it would not budge. The angle of the pouncy bowl made it impossible.

So I had to improvise a toilet brush- bits of cardboard from the toiletries and tissue and start flicking away. Had to put the wet cardboard in the dustbin.

Was this a “skid mark” issue or a stubborn turd that would budge? A wire coat hanger can be a boon either situation.

If it’s a big log that’s either “beached” due to size or one of them “buoyant bastards” you can simple stretch out the hanger use the hooked end to chop the “jobby” into smaller, more manageable, pieces.

If it’s the shítty streaks situation you apply a liberal amount of paper to the hook and then, after it’s been stretched, you can use it as a match shift brush.

No use to you now, I guess, but could sort you out in any future crises.

Two chaps I went to school with used to wait until lunchtime to do their business. They would go into the bathroom together (separate stalls beside each other) and proceed to have a game of 'Battleshi*s'. Essentially there was no game, it just involved random shouts of you sunk my battlesh*t while lashing oodles of bum gravy into the armitage shanks. Pure ruffian stuff, typical childish secondary school behavior, but it did elicit a few chuckles from the student body all the same. Real bottom of the barrel stuff that obviously wouldn't be tolerated in a work-place today, no doubt big John would give them their marching orders, and rightfully so.

Released in 2004, makes sense and adds up time wise, must have been where they got their inspiration from!

ArrBee wrote: »

Hang on...
one moment the advice is to always carry a sturdy plastic bag, now its to carry a coat hanger?
Next it will be to just carry your own throne around....

No, the plastic bag is to be carried in one’s pocket, or car boot, when traversing remote climes.

The hanger would go in your suitcase, or travel bag. Neither are particularly troublesome to bring with you and, if you get into a “situation” would be worth your weight in gold to you.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Think Emmet might be ‘smoking the herb’. Talking absolute balderdash at the moment.

No need to be snide, Johnny. I’m just giving alternative options.

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Has anyone else perfected the "pull and throw" technique on exiting the public conveniences?

My procedure it to wash my hands, pressing in on those wretched push taps with me elbows. Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door. I grab the door handle with the forth towel, pull it open and release, allowing its momentum to carry it fully open, all the while gracefully spinning around in slow motion and lobbing the towel across the room and into the bin in one fell swoop.

Not a trace of Franks or Pats bum stew on my hands.

Those hand towels are history now Melon

Last time I saw one was in the shítters beside the Sydney Opera Hse. in the middle of the floor with a shiny coiled turd sitting in the middle of it.

Some dirty bassa must have backed one out during an intermission..

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Those hand towels are history now Melon

Last time I saw one was in the shítters beside the Sydney Opera Hse. in the middle of the floor with a shiny coiled turd sitting in the middle of it.

Some dirty bassa must have backed one out during an intermission..

It’s funny you mention them toilets at Sydney opera house. I ran in there one time busting for a dump and with the turtle neck sticking out and the toilets were a fcukin tip.
Had to hover and bomb from a height.splashback from said bombers was cruel.nearly drowned.
No paper for tidying after so had to goose step for the rest of the day and ditch the jocks come evening.

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

It’s funny you mention them toilets at Sydney opera house. I ran in there one time busting for a dump and with the turtle neck sticking out and the toilets were a fcukin tip.
Had to hover and bomb from a height.splashback from said bombers was cruel.nearly drowned.
No paper for tidying after so had to goose step for the rest of the day and ditch the jocks come evening.

Priceless, beautiful use of the English language

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You lasted all day without cleaning your arse?! Jesus you must have an awful itch down under.

In Australia too, I hope for his sake he wasn't wearing any man-made fibres.

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door.

Very Howard Hughes. Now he was a fella who really did know his sh1t.