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What's the etiquette here??

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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

    While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

    Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

    While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

    Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

    Tip of washing up liquid around the rim of the balloon knot should soften up the ‘drawstring’.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

    While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

    Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.


    Sinking a few pints myself, Emmet. Decided to hit the pub straight after the ceremonies at 3PM. Had a massive feed of fish and chips as well, so mixing that with 10 pints of beer is probably a recipe for disaster. Will be putting a roll of toilet paper in the fridge later in case things are particularly nasty in the morning. Was hoping I’d be boning some young one later, but I don’t want to wake up in her place with a desperate need to take a Donald.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Sinking a few pints myself, Emmet. Decided to hit the pub straight after the ceremonies at 3PM. Had a massive feed of fish and chips as well, so mixing that with 10 pints of beer is probably a recipe for disaster. Will be putting a roll of toilet paper in the fridge later in case things are particularly nasty in the morning. Was hoping I’d be boning some young one later, but I don’t want to wake up in her place with a desperate need to take a Donald.

    You’d have a stem like Gonzo’s nose after that lot John, no doubt about that.

    Even the sniff of Fr. Fintan Cuddys soutane wouldn’t give you wood.

    Go to bed ,lad.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    You’d have a stem like Gonzo’s nose after that lot John, no doubt about that.

    Even the sniff of Fr. Fintan Cuddys soutane wouldn’t give you wood.

    Go to bed ,lad.

    No problem getting a stiffy up, hombre. You could hang a cheap door on me ‘bride frightener’. Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    No problem getting a stiffy up, hombre. You could hang a cheap door on me ‘bride frightener’. Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.

    You don’t fool this poster John, next thing you’ll be telling me you can hang two bricks off the weapon.

    When in reality you couldn’t hang a damp hankie.

    The lasses don’t mind if the bag is empty, little bit of glitter on the Knob is the big turn on.

    Few heavy duty rubber bands around the ‘neck’ is good idea too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.

    God, I do remember having that happen a few times alright, long ago now obviously.

    You’d be hammering away like a jackhammer getting nothing but sweat and exhaustion while herself would be singing out the high Cs of the “Penis Angelicus”.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 65 ✭✭JuanBerrosa


    I remember a portly American lad I worked with came into the jacks and into the stall next to me - it's America so great big gaps in the doors and a poxy 2 foot gap at the floor.
    Down goes the cacks and he started dropping stink bombs like he was throwing fistfulls of tripe into the water from a ****ing height.

    Finished off with a long watery fart and a satisfied grunt.
    Jaysus it was ****ing rotten, and then the stink hit me, could have stripped paint of the walls and knocked a troop of bombay sewage workers out - to borrow a few examples from the thread!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    I remember a portly American lad I worked with came into the jacks and into the stall next to me - it's America so great big gaps in the doors and a poxy 2 foot gap at the floor.
    Down goes the cacks and he started dropping stink bombs like he was throwing fistfulls of tripe into the water from a ****ing height.

    Finished off with a long watery fart and a satisfied grunt.
    Jaysus it was ****ing rotten, and then the stink hit me, could have stripped paint of the walls and knocked a troop of bombay sewage workers out - to borrow a few examples from the thread!

    They eat loads of that vile Kraft Mac and Cheese as well so you get a real fent of oily cheese sauce from their discharges. Dirty bastards.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 262 ✭✭TomasMacR


    Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

    While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

    Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

    Speaking of clean ups, the one thing that is really putting me off taking a sh*t in a public jacks is not the disgusting animal next door who is letting out last nights curry rice chips trio and the breakfast roll hes had for breakfast and lunch, but it is this new trend where they have the toilet paper vaulted in this cylinder thing which in the centre, ironically enough, the dispenser looks like a puckered up ars*hole and only dispenses one miserable sheet of the cheapest cardboard like paper. How tightfisted are these places to be putting these in? When did jacksroll become such a valuable commodity and why as a paying customer in most of these place must you be subjected to it. You can be stood there with your bags around your ankles and sh*tty hoop for over a minute pulling single sheets out trying to get a decent clump of paper to do the job. I learned the hard way, you've to be patient also, I took a shortcut once and ended up with 4 fingers covered in sh*te :(


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    TomasMacR wrote: »
    Speaking of clean ups, the one thing that is really putting me off taking a sh*t in a public jacks is not the disgusting animal next door who is letting out last nights curry rice chips trio and the breakfast roll hes had for breakfast and lunch, but it is this new trend where they have the toilet paper vaulted in this cylinder thing which in the centre, ironically enough, the dispenser looks like a puckered up ars*hole and only dispenses one miserable sheet of the cheapest cardboard like paper. How tightfisted are these places to be putting these in? When did jacksroll become such a valuable commodity and why as a paying customer in most of these place must you be subjected to it. You can be stood there with your bags around your ankles and sh*tty hoop for over a minute pulling single sheets out trying to get a decent clump of paper to do the job. I learned the hard way, you've to be patient also, I took a shortcut once and ended up with 4 fingers covered in sh*te :(

    True yeah, I always try to do a job and just open them up a different way, can't do it without breaking the feckin things!

    feck it, I had a good sh1te story there and now I forget it !!

    Ah it will come to me ... anyway feeling the oul rusty sheriffs badge twitching myself, better go take care of some business

    *grabs a good book ...


  • Registered Users Posts: 65 ✭✭JuanBerrosa


    Ever read Irvine Welsh ?
    Some of the scenes in his books are utterly rank, scatological is not even beginning to describe it ..


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Tip of washing up liquid around the rim of the balloon knot should soften up the ‘drawstring’.

    Jaysus! would that not sting a bit ?
    Vaseline be a better choice surely ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,421 ✭✭✭ToddyDoody


    ...and they want to bring in mixed restrooms when this type of shyte goes on in the gents!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    ToddyDoody wrote: »
    ...and they want to bring in mixed restrooms when this type of shyte goes on in the gents!

    It might clean up our behaviour, having said that I do like to let rip when sitting on the throne.

    So I say Nein to mixed jacks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Jaysus! would that not sting a bit ?
    Vaseline be a better choice surely ?

    Yes it would, but I’m assuming it’s a bit of an emergency.

    Holding a good solid baton on the clutch for a while can stretch the drawstring which is good if a lad is a little bound.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Yes it would, but I’m assuming it’s a bit of an emergency.

    Holding a good solid baton on the clutch for a while can stretch the drawstring which is good if a lad is a little bound.

    Doubt a coffin dodger such as yourself has much clutch control these days.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,662 ✭✭✭Voodoomelon


    There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

    More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
    The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

    A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

    You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

    Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

    Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

    Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
    Business as usual, what a glorious experience.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Doubt a coffin dodger such as yourself has much clutch control these days.

    Au contraire,Johann, took part in the monthly medal yesterday and after a feed of sausage rolls in the filling station on the way down,got serious ‘warning’ from the backpipe that there was a ‘big ‘un’ basting in the oven,on the second tee.

    Panicked a wee bit as the shítter was near the seventh green!!

    By the sixth tee it was serious, almost ‘crowned out’ and it took all my expertise to ‘ride the clutch’ to the seventh green.

    Didn’t get the kex quite clear before sluicing out a buttery loaf ,but luckily ‘in off the crossbar’as they say.

    Not a pleasant experience, but showed valve control which was heartening.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Au contraire,Johann, took part in the monthly medal yesterday and after a feed of sausage rolls in the filling station on the way down,got serious ‘warning’ from the backpipe that there was a ‘big ‘un’ basting in the oven,on the second tee.

    Panicked a wee bit as the shítter was near the seventh green!!

    By the sixth tee it was serious, almost ‘crowned out’ and it took all my expertise to ‘ride the clutch’ to the seventh green.

    Didn’t get the kex quite clear before sluicing out a buttery loaf ,but luckily ‘in off the crossbar’as they say.

    Not a pleasant experience, but showed valve control which was heartening.

    How did you play from the 2nd to the 7th? Can’t be easy make a difficult putt while prairie dogging. I had a similar issue when playing St Anne’s a few weeks back. No facilities on course at all, so just headed into the dunes and emptied me guts into a rabbit hole. Then cleaned up with a spare pair of socks I had in the bag. Shot an 81 so there was no ill effects.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    How did you play from the 2nd to the 7th? Can’t be easy make a difficult putt while prairie dogging. I had a similar issue when playing St Anne’s a few weeks back. No facilities on course at all, so just headed into the dunes and emptied me guts into a rabbit hole. Then cleaned up with a spare pair of socks I had in the bag. Shot an 81 so there was no ill effects.

    Good man Johhny, It was probably more luxurious then the jacks they have at the St. Annes "office" over by the tennis courts, jesus you wouldn't let your dog crap in the place.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

    More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
    The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

    A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

    You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

    Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

    Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

    Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
    Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

    Art!


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Art!

    There’s always a whack of scallops and smoked salmon in those gaffs, I find.

    Agree though, that the facilities are excellent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭safeasparagus


    This thread is absolute gold .


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    My brother once had me spoofed that there was this really really expensive restaurant where the toilets weren't connected to plumbing,
    Like a throne where the fat royal arse ejected their golden midden into a pot below, the pot was full of scented roses and herbs - and a candle (wtf!!)
    Each toilet had it's own personal cleaner that would make the place presentable to the next user.

    He had me believing this for weeks one summer holiday.

    He finally went too far when he told me some fat lad sat on the royal seat and created a seal with his massive fat hole, let off a massive fart and the gas exploded by the candle - propelling him and about 10KG of sh1t into the ceiling.
    Even 10 year old me knew this was total bollocks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,872 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    My brother once had me spoofed that there was this really really expensive restaurant where the toilets weren't connected to plumbing,
    Like a throne where the fat royal arse ejected their golden midden into a pot below, the pot was full of scented roses and herbs - and a candle (wtf!!)
    Each toilet had it's own personal cleaner that would make the place presentable to the next user.

    He had me believing this for weeks one summer holiday.

    He finally went too far when he told me some fat lad sat on the royal seat and created a seal with his massive fat hole, let off a massive fart and the gas exploded by the candle - propelling him and about 10KG of sh1t into the ceiling.
    Even 10 year old me knew this was total bollocks.

    Interesting stuff Hector..... wouldn’t rule it out.

    Rough justice sometimes happens.... friend of mine was baking ‘unstable ordnance’ after a night out in London.

    Was walking towards his workplace when it became clear that an explosion was imminent.

    Slipped into a pub...totally empty..just a bar man behind the counter.

    “Toilet mate”says our hero thru clenched sphincter...”Customers only mate” says the tool behind the bar..cue low gurgling from the nethers....”Right set me up a Bloody Mary,lot of ice,Tabasco,shaken well,I’ll sort out when I come back”

    “Grunt” from behind the counter”Downstairs”

    Over hero proceeds down stairs and notices a door open to the street where lads were delivering kegs and bottles

    “No time to lose” says he, into the tiny toilet drops the kex and hoses a stream of loose midden over the furniture,pan,floor, and even had enough ‘ordnance’ to spray the small hand basin in the corner.

    Looked like someone spilled a 4litre can of badly stirred decking stain around the area.

    Cleaned up....even had the foresight to leave a note stuck to wall”Cancel the Bloody Mary mate” before slipping past the loading crew”Sorry lads, left phone in the car, back in a tick’’

    It sure if that was true or not, but it taught that sour barman a lesson if it was.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    :D
    Reminds me of a time when I was in college, I decided to walk the 20/30 mins or so to DCU - after having about 8 weetabix for breakfast.
    Jesus, I almost didn't make it, I was walking like John Wayne with a done in back for the last 100m or so, for those that know DCU I just made it into T101 (the round lecture hall first place with a jacks at the old entrance).
    At least with the Weetabix it was a good solid load, the size of the thing though would have been a shipping hazard when it finally got out to Dublin Bay.


  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    My workplace has only two stalls in the sh1tter downstairs. There's total silence down there unfortunately, so one could hear a pin drop. Excellent acoustics too, so any sound is amplified. It's like a amphitheatre sh1tter.

    There's nothing worse when you're taking a serene dump and some cnut comes in and starts gasping and spluttering out farts in the stall next to you.

    Some people have absolutely no shame.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,680 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    My workplace has only two stalls in the sh1tter downstairs. There's total silence down there unfortunately, so one could hear a pin drop. Excellent acoustics too, so any sound is amplified. It's like a amphitheatre sh1tter.

    There's nothing worse when you're taking a serene dump and some cnut comes in and starts gasping and spluttering out farts in the stall next to you.

    Some people have absolutely no shame.

    Most likely a connoisseur of Pat McDonagh's fine dining.
    Probably had at least a gallon of Guinness waiting to be "processed" as well.

    Best advice would be to engage a "low oven setting", get the hell out of there and return when the air quality readings have improved.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    Most likely a connoisseur of Pat McDonagh's fine dining.
    Probably had at least a gallon of Guinness waiting to be "processed" as well.

    Best advice would be to engage a "low oven setting", get the hell out of there and return when the air quality readings have improved.

    I’d be a very regular visitor to Pat’s eatin’ houses - usually circa 1.30 and with a belly full of porter consumed.

    I can confirm that 8 pints of porter, a snackbox, garlic and cheese chips, and onion rings is not a healthy combination for the digestive system the next day. Best to stay in base and sort out the issue in the comfort of your home, rather than have to find and invariably destroy a public convenience.


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