Is it salvageable

DukeOfTheSharp · 16-08-2016 10:36pm

I honestly started muttering the word 'nope' over and over again while reading your post OP, I agree with people saying you're being taken for a ride. I've dated and have known people who've dated women like your GF, and they never, ever get their act together. Ever. The fact is that moving back in with her parents is the fiscally responsible thing to do, she owes you €500 but can't afford petrol, and after a month you feel like you have to ask if she's just using you...and she throws a tantrum and punishes you? And she's still sharing an apartment with her ex? At this point you should have alarm bells ringing constantly, because this isn't healthy. She's a user OP, chances are when you take issue now she'll come out swinging that her life is hard and blah blah blah...this is a defensive stance most users take - but it's not on you. She's the one in control of her own actions, and she's the one who has made such a bags of her life that she is 'forced' to live with her ex...even when she has other options. People like this never change, she's probably using the ex too, somehow, and the chances are her parents wouldn't give her a cent if she went back home. €500 is a lot of money OP, my advice? Break up with her, but not before getting evidence of your payment of that money. If she doesn't pay you back after you end it, small claims court. You'll be used until she bleeds you dry otherwise.

mrsdewinter · 17-08-2016 1:50am

For a 22-year-old with no financial smarts, she seems to have a great lifestyle: an apartment 'in town', a car, a boyfriend...
I don't think this girl is on the make, or not consciously so. OP says that she just talks about everything that happens over the day, so I'd say she has no concept of keeping back the unpleasant stuff, such as being broke.
But seriously, OP, just keep your mouth shut the next time she complains about money. She has to learn to cut her cloth. I've been there: early 20s, too much month, too little pay cheque. But deciding what expenses to prioritise is a life skill that she has to master for her own good.

Penny Tration · 17-08-2016 8:22am

OP, I don't mean to be harsh here, but surely her being willing to pay you back within days shows she's taking you for a ride?

She gets 500 quid from you. She can only afford to pay it back in installments. Then she's so broke she can't afford petrol.

And now, all of a sudden, the €500 she owes you magically appears in her purse as soon as you speak to her about it?

There are two ways she has the 500 for you - either she's ripping you off and doesn't actually need money, or she's now moved on to borrowing from another person. Neither are good. One option means she's taking the P out of you, the other means she's happy to go from person to person with her hand out - not the actions of a responsible adult.

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:05am

Penny Tration wrote: »

OP, I don't mean to be harsh here, but surely her being willing to pay you back within days shows she's taking you for a ride?

She gets 500 quid from you. She can only afford to pay it back in installments. Then she's so broke she can't afford petrol.

And now, all of a sudden, the €500 she owes you magically appears in her purse as soon as you speak to her about it?

There are two ways she has the 500 for you - either she's ripping you off and doesn't actually need money, or she's now moved on to borrowing from another person. Neither are good. One option means she's taking the P out of you, the other means she's happy to go from person to person with her hand out - not the actions of a responsible adult.

She said that she could pay me back from working the few gigs she has this weekend, but that it'd leave her with very little left over for other bills.

During our talk yesterday I said I don't really want to talk about money issues anymore and just want to get back to us and she agreed, but late last night and all this morning it's been back to her worrying about how she's going to get the money for petrol in order to get to her gig tonight. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what to do and that she's going to sell her camera to pay for petrol. After our talk I thought this stuff would be over but I guess not and now I am incredibly disappointed.

I think I will wait till after this weekend and see if there's any sign of her paying me back, or at least see if she stops coming to me talking about her money troubles. I do really like her but I'm starting to feel like a fool and all the advice here seems to back that up.

timmy880 · 17-08-2016 11:08am

I think I will wait till after this weekend and see if there's any sign of her paying me back, or at least see if she stops coming to me talking about her money troubles. I do really like her but I'm starting to feel like a fool and all the advice here seems to back that up.

Sounds like the right thing to do... Give yourself a bit of time and then decide. But the fact that she couldn't go 12 hours without unloading her financial burden onto you is a massive concern. I mean, if she can't afford to put a drop of petrol into her car then her situation must be disastrous. And even after you've said you'd rather not talk about it, she couldn't even do that.

BetsyEllen · 17-08-2016 11:12am

Stupify wrote: »

She said that she could pay me back from working the few gigs she has this weekend, but that it'd leave her with very little left over for other bills.

During our talk yesterday I said I don't really want to talk about money issues anymore and just want to get back to us and she agreed, but late last night and all this morning it's been back to her worrying about how she's going to get the money for petrol in order to get to her gig tonight. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what to do and that she's going to sell her camera to pay for petrol. After our talk I thought this stuff would be over but I guess not and now I am incredibly disappointed.

I think I will wait till after this weekend and see if there's any sign of her paying me back, or at least see if she stops coming to me talking about her money troubles. I do really like her but I'm starting to feel like a fool and all the advice here seems to back that up.

So she's told you she'll pay you back, but is now trying to send you on a guilt trip because of it.
Stay firm OP - say nothing about the €500, don't be tempted to say 'ah sure, just give me €300 this week then' or something along those lines.

How the hell does she not have money for petrol? Surely these gigs have been planned for a while now, yet she didn't think to put €20 or whatever aside out of her wages?
If she has to sell her camera then let her, hopefully it will teach her a life lesson.

Gosh I would have no interest in getting into a relationship with someone like that - what a nightmare - I assume if she has no money for petrol she has no money to go on dates with you either then, so you will end up footing the bill any time the 2 of you go out.

It's up to you what you do of course but if it were me, I'd be cutting ties and moving on.

Sunny Dayz · 17-08-2016 11:15am

Is she doing the gig on her own? Could she not get a lift with someone?

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:15am

timmy880 wrote: »

Sounds like the right thing to do... Give yourself a bit of time and then decide. But the fact that she couldn't go 12 hours without unloading her financial burden onto you is a massive concern. I mean, if she can't afford to put a drop of petrol into her car then her situation must be disastrous. And even after you've said you'd rather not talk about it, she couldn't even do that.

I can't even talk to her about improving her financial situation anymore as she feels I'm lecturing her, apparently this bit of petrol will solve all her worries because she can drive to her credit union and withdraw money she has there and she can get to her gig and everything will be fine again. I probably would have offered her the money tbh if I hadn't come on here yesterday.

BetsyEllen · 17-08-2016 11:22am

Stupify wrote: »

I can't even talk to her about improving her financial situation anymore as she feels I'm lecturing her, apparently this bit of petrol will solve all her worries because she can drive to her credit union and withdraw money she has there and she can get to her gig and everything will be fine again. I probably would have offered her the money tbh if I hadn't come on here yesterday.

I think a talk about her financial situation isn't something you should address as you're a very new couple.

The part you should address, is how she burdens you with it and makes you feel guilty for her situation.
'I'll pay you back but I'll struggle with my other bills' - boohoo. You got your car fixed which dug you out of a massive hole - surely your other bills can wait.
It's her responsibility to get a lift or the bus to her gigs - if she can't afford to run a car then she can't run a car, simple as that.
She needs to learn this herself OP as we all have during our lives.

woodchuck · 17-08-2016 11:22am

Stupify wrote: »

I can't even talk to her about improving her financial situation anymore as she feels I'm lecturing her, apparently this bit of petrol will solve all her worries because she can drive to her credit union and withdraw money she has there and she can get to her gig and everything will be fine again. I probably would have offered her the money tbh if I hadn't come on here yesterday.

Surely she can get public transport to the credit union?!

This whole thing is sounding worse and worse though. You said you didn't feel comfortable discussing her financial issues (very reasonable for the early stages a relationship) and she completely ignored this.

I might wait and see if she actually pays your money back this weekend, but it's not looking like great relationship potential

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:23am

BetsyEllen wrote: »

So she's told you she'll pay you back, but is now trying to send you on a guilt trip because of it.
Stay firm OP - say nothing about the €500, don't be tempted to say 'ah sure, just give me €300 this week then' or something along those lines.

How the hell does she not have money for petrol? Surely these gigs have been planned for a while now, yet she didn't think to put €20 or whatever aside out of her wages?
If she has to sell her camera then let her, hopefully it will teach her a life lesson.

Gosh I would have no interest in getting into a relationship with someone like that - what a nightmare - I assume if she has no money for petrol she has no money to go on dates with you either then, so you will end up footing the bill any time the 2 of you go out.

It's up to you what you do of course but if it were me, I'd be cutting ties and moving on.

I haven't mentioned the 500 euro since yesterday when we were talking and I said I wouldn't lend her anymore money.

These gigs would have been planned for awhile yes, she used 20 euro in petrol to come down and see me on Monday and I just don't understand why she would do that and put herself in a situation where she now can't get to her next job.

I've had no problem with paying for our dates so far as I understood her financial situation, not fully but I understood she couldn't afford to eat out all the time so I've offered to pay on the 5 separate occasions that we have eaten out.

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:24am

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Is she doing the gig on her own? Could she not get a lift with someone?

Yes, she gigs by herself.

BetsyEllen · 17-08-2016 11:27am

Stupify wrote: »

I haven't mentioned the 500 euro since yesterday when we were talking and I said I wouldn't lend her anymore money.

These gigs would have been planned for awhile yes, she used 20 euro in petrol to come down and see me on Monday and I just don't understand why she would do that and put herself in a situation where she now can't get to her next job.

I've had no problem with paying for our dates so far as I understood her financial situation, not fully but I understood she couldn't afford to eat out all the time so I've offered to pay on the 5 separate occasions that we have eaten out.

You sound like a truly lovely guy but OP, I'm a girl and I wouldn't dream of going out with a guy and not have contributed a penny towards a date after that many - I'd be so embarrassed.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-08-2016 11:29am

If she hasn't enough petrol to get to her Credit Union then she's in trouble. The car doesn't suddenly get empty. She'd have at least a couple of days notice that it was getting low. She could have planned her days a bit better. It's all excuses. Elaborate excuses, and the more time passes, the more elaborate the excuses will become. You say she lives in a town. How far away is her credit union? Could she get a bus? A lift? Get a taxi and ask him to wait while she goes in and withdraws the money to pay him! Could she ask her parents to lodge twenty to her account to get petrol so that she can get to the gig and then pay everyone back.

Where does she work? Does she have a day job? How often does she get paid? I'd say her and the ex boyfriend broke up pretty soon after moving in together because of the old saying "if you want to know me, come live with me". He might even be still living there out of some sort of duty to mind her. Knowing that she can't survive on her own! She probably owes him a few bob too!!

She finished with him, and got with you pretty soon after. And within weeks you'd loaned her €500 and heard about various other money struggles. Sounds like when one cash flow dried up, she moved onto another one. She might be 22 and a bit "green' when it comes to independent adult living.... But she's no fool!!

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:29am

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I think a talk about her financial situation isn't something you should address as you're a very new couple.

The part you should address, is how she burdens you with it and makes you feel guilty for her situation.
'I'll pay you back but I'll struggle with my other bills' - boohoo. You got your car fixed which dug you out of a massive hole - surely your other bills can wait.
It's her responsibility to get a lift or the bus to her gigs - if she can't afford to run a car then she can't run a car, simple as that.
She needs to learn this herself OP as we all have during our lives.

Yes, I feel the same, but when she kept coming to me saying she was in trouble I wanted to help with some advice as I couldn't offer her anymore money.

I'm going to wait and see with this weekend and how it goes but I'm beginning to feel that we're just not compatible.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-08-2016 11:31am

How far apart do you live that it took €20 in petrol to visit you?

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:33am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How far apart do you live that it took €20 in petrol to visit you?

We live about an hour and 15 minutes away from each other.

Penny Tration · 17-08-2016 11:35am

OP, you should take a long look at the manipulation tactic she's using on you. She's saying she'll pay you back after gigs, but can't get to the gigs unless someone gives her even more money! She's guilting you, and essentially letting you know that unless 20 euro appears in her hand, you won't be getting paid back this week.

I also highly doubt that she hasn't a single friend or family member who couldn't bring her to the credit union, or a few euro for a bus.

She's manipulating you.

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:40am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she hasn't enough petrol to get to her Credit Union then she's in trouble. The car doesn't suddenly get empty. She'd have at least a couple of days notice that it was getting low. She could have planned her days a bit better. It's all excuses. Elaborate excuses, and the more time passes, the more elaborate the excuses will become. You say she lives in a town. How far away is her credit union? Could she get a bus? A lift? Get a taxi and ask him to wait while she goes in and withdraws the money to pay him! Could she ask her parents to lodge twenty to her account to get petrol so that she can get to the gig and then pay everyone back.

Where does she work? Does she have a day job? How often does she get paid? I'd say her and the ex boyfriend broke up pretty soon after moving in together because of the old saying "if you want to know me, come live with me". He might even be still living there out of some sort of duty to mind her. Knowing that she can't survive on her own! She probably owes him a few bob too!!

She finished with him, and got with you pretty soon after. And within weeks you'd loaned her €500 and heard about various other money struggles. Sounds like when one cash flow dried up, she moved onto another one. She might be 22 and a bit "green' when it comes to independent adult living.... But she's no fool!!

I don't think she has enough money for a bus even, or so she says.

She does have a part-time day job in a door to door sales role that helps her out too, she was working there Monday before she came down to see me. I don't know how often they pay her though. He was the one who broke up with her, so maybe you have a point there, I haven't really questioned her on the specifics of the breakup, I've just been on cloud nine since we started going out and it's only since she started talking about her money troubles that I've started coming down.

squonk · 17-08-2016 11:49am

Stupify wrote: »

I don't think she has enough money for a bus even, or so she says.

Ah jesus! Seriously!!! Look, just call time on this! I had fallow periods when I was in college where I was gathering the coppers together to go to the cinema or something but at least I had a jar of coppers and change to count! This sounded like it'd resolved itself yesterday but not even 24 hours later we're back to the same place we were. This just isn't going to work out OP. She's an absolute headwreck. Do we really knew if she's actually paying rent to her ex, or even paying a 50/50 split? I'd wager she isn't paying her full share. This woman will do your head in. Get out now!

Stupify · 17-08-2016 11:53am

squonk wrote: »

Ah jesus! Seriously!!! Look, just call time on this! I had fallow periods when I was in college where I was gathering the coppers together to go to the cinema or something but at least I had a jar of coppers and change to count! This sounded like it'd resolved itself yesterday but not even 24 hours later we're back to the same place we were. This just isn't going to work out OP. She's an absolute headwreck. Do we really knew if she's actually paying rent to her ex, or even paying a 50/50 split? I'd wager she isn't paying her full share. This woman will do your head in. Get out now!

I think it's effectively over now, she just sent me a link to her music page saying it's a shame that more people don't buy her album as then she'd be sorted. I'm just very upset right now, I'll break it off with her this weekend when I see her.

BetsyEllen · 17-08-2016 12:01pm

Stupify wrote: »

I think it's effectively over now, she just sent me a link to her music page saying it's a shame that more people don't buy her album as then she'd be sorted. I'm just very upset right now, I'll break it off with her this weekend when I see her.

Sorry to hear that OP but I'm sure that in time you will appreciate your decision.
I have cringed a few times during this thread at this girls behaviour, I'm mortified for her.

I hope you get your €500 back...

Big Bag of Chips · 17-08-2016 12:06pm

I'm sorry OP.

But you're better off. She's living in cloud cuckoo land to be honest. It was probably lucky that her car broke down so early in the relationship because it highlighted this so soon for you. Her ex has probably drip fed her the equivalent or more over the course of their relationship, and now he's no doubt stuck with rent he probably can't afford because he's bailing her out on her portion on bills/food/rent etc.

She's very very immatute. She obviously has no concept of money or the value of things. She has probably always coasted through life with others picking up after her, so never had to actually be responsible for herself."If only" she could get to the credit union. "If only" more people would buy her album. "If only" she had petrol. Until she learns to figure out how to avoid depending on "if only" she will always be living like this.

I'd also guess there'll be a new lad on the scene fairly shortly. No matter. You're better off out of it.

GingerLily · 17-08-2016 12:27pm

Does she not have a single friend who lives near her who can give her a lift to the credit union?

B*llsh*t!!!

Dial Hard · 17-08-2016 12:51pm

Stupify wrote:

I'll break it off with her this weekend when I see her.

Hopefully you won't be killed under the weight of a dropped hint about the petrol money before then.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-08-2016 12:57pm

And you can guarantee she'll get petrol money somewhere! It'd just be easier for her to get it off you. But she'll move to the ex, or a friend, or anyone who'll offer. Although her pool of people to ask is probably shrinking.

Ursus Horribilis · 17-08-2016 1:03pm

The smell of bullsh*t is getting stronger, isn't it? Aside from the nonsense about the credit union, her behaviour defies logic. If she can't afford to put petrol in the car, why did she travel a long distance to see you? If it was me, I'd be leaving the car in the driveway and only making necessary journeys until I had money again. She's a sponger of the highest order.

17-08-2016 1:09pm

Stupify wrote: »

I'm beginning to feel that we're just not compatible.

You know, leaving aside the loan, you're absolutely right.

Do you really want to be with someone who's completely incapable of managing their finances? Someone who's only prepared to work part-time? Someone who'd rather beg than work to keep themselves? Someone who thinks people should buy their album to fund their lifestyle, rather than because they want to? Someone who's not capable of holding on to a few euro in case of emergencies? Someone who's living with their ex and possibly is not completely over them? Someone who's too proud to move back to their parents house but not too proud to allow an almost stranger pay for their car repairs?

As several people have already said, I'd be mortified if I was her and I'd be mortified if I had a partner who carried on like this.

Stupify · 17-08-2016 1:31pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And you can guarantee she'll get petrol money somewhere! It'd just be easier for her to get it off you. But she'll move to the ex, or a friend, or anyone who'll offer. Although her pool of people to ask is probably shrinking.

I felt she was using her ex at one stage to hang over my head, when she was talking about her car problems she mentioned that she might ask her ex for the loan, possibly trying to get me to offer it to her instead, which I did.

Looking back there's probably a lot of red flags I overlooked, she is a caring person though and not malicious I think, it's just she's not good with money and that's something that would bother me in the long run.

Stupify · 17-08-2016 1:36pm

Again, thank you everyone on here for your advice and help, it's possible I would have ended up caving in and giving her the petrol money and maybe more if I hadn't come on here first.

I was embarrassed to bring this situation to my good friends who haven't even met this girl, but they know about her, so this has been a great resource.

DeltaWhite · 17-08-2016 1:47pm

Ah OP

just came back to this thread and sorry to see how it's gone the way it has with this girl.

The problem is not you, and I know that wont make your upset go away, but just so you know there are lots of people out there who just have this awful trait in them where they leech off people and take advantage. That's their issue - not yours.

I am glad that you did create this thread because god only knows how much more money she would have swindled out of you by the weekend! You are a kind hearted person, sometimes a trait like that will make you vulnerable to people like her. Just have your wits about you in future (not that you did anything wrong) and this situation will help you spot these things next time (hopefully there wont be a next time).

Chin up OP and listen, while it is annoying/disheartening having to start all over again with the dating scene, it cannot be as bad as what this girl has been putting you through for the last week!

bmwguy · 17-08-2016 1:55pm

From someone that was in this situation, let me tell you that I think it is all a lie. Answer this, have you spent the night together yet? Maybe not because it's still early days but maybe another reason.

If not, it's possible the ex is not really an ex and the 2 of them could be in cahoots scamming people. Not even looking for ways out of a 9 month lease and just accepting living with him is the biggest flag of all.

What better way to scam men than pretending to be interested in them, it happens a lot, and men can do it too.

My situation was a girl I met within a few months she claimed to owe an ex money from a business venture that failed and couldn't really get away and move on fully without paying it. Hinted and hinted, claimed depression and anxiety from it. I was going to pay, just like you, to make her feel better and move away from past life, I did make myself believe her because she was gorgeous. Started asking outright for help then.

We did sleep together but she would never stay over (she lived with her sister who knew she had a boyfriend). He was not an ex at all but a very current boyfriend. Her sister was a lovely lady and got wind of what she was at and told me. She has a kid with him now but they have a disaster of a relationship, good enough for them.

I had gut instinct but I was deluding myself. Very manipulative and charming, I believed anybody could fall on hard times and need a helping hand. Just as well the sister intervened I would have given money.

Get out, run fast, don't look back

Stupify · 17-08-2016 2:03pm

bmwguy wrote: »

From someone that was in this situation, let me tell you that I think it is all a lie. Answer this, have you spent the night together yet? Maybe not because it's still early days but maybe another reason.

If not, it's possible the ex is not really an ex and the 2 of them could be in cahoots scamming people. Not even looking for ways out of a 9 month lease and just accepting living with him is the biggest flag of all.

What better way to scam men than pretending to be interested in them, it happens a lot, and men can do it too.

My situation was a girl I met within a few months she claimed to owe an ex money from a business venture that failed and couldn't really get away and move on fully without paying it. Hinted and hinted, claimed depression and anxiety from it. I was going to pay, just like you, to make her feel better and move away from past life, I did make myself believe her because she was gorgeous. Started asking outright for help then.

We did sleep together but she would never stay over (she lived with her sister who knew she had a boyfriend). He was not an ex at all but a very current boyfriend. Her sister was a lovely lady and got wind of what she was at and told me. She has a kid with him now but they have a disaster of a relationship, good enough for them.

I had gut instinct but I was deluding myself. Very manipulative and charming, I believed anybody could fall on hard times and need a helping hand. Just as well the sister intervened I would have given money.

Get out, run fast, don't look back

I really hope that's not the case with her, if it is that would be incredibly distressing that I couldn't spot it. We have slept together, not at her place though, and we haven't spent a night together but that was more to do with the logistics of it than her making excuses. My confidence would be completely shot if I find out she's still with her ex.

njs030 · 17-08-2016 2:23pm

Stupify wrote: »

I really hope that's not the case with her, if it is that would be incredibly distressing that I couldn't spot it. We have slept together, not at her place though, and we haven't spent a night together but that was more to do with the logistics of it than her making excuses. My confidence would be completely shot if I find out she's still with her ex.

Its unlikely op. She sounds immature and a bit like a headless chicken! Her hints might not even be hints they could be just stupidity. Id be very annoyed she is already back to talking about her money issues though.

Is this really the relationship you want? Constant bailing her out and listening to her complain?

Degringola · 17-08-2016 5:26pm

Have just come back to the thread. I think you're making the right decision, OP. This should be a fun time, not a head melt. You're dodging a bullet.
You will meet someone who deserves you.

K_P · 17-08-2016 9:21pm

Oh OP, she's a manipulator through and through. I'm sure she's lovely and charming in lots of other ways but that's how manipulators work.

You're not allowed discuss her finances with her or suggest ways she could improve her situation as she feels you're lecturing her. But she can send you increasingly obvious hints to send her money? That's bullsh*t OP and good for you for seeing through it. There are plenty fools out there who would be strung along by people like her for years.

If you're planning on breaking up with her, do so after she gives you back the €500. I'll be honest, I'm not sure you'll get it. There'll be another excuse this weekend so be prepared to say goodbye to it. But don't break up before she's even addressed it with you.

Katgurl · 18-08-2016 8:46am

I despise scabs. Apart from anything else on this thread, there is no way you should have paid for everything on all the dates. Although she paid for her petrol (initially) I suppose.

Look she mightn't intentionally be manipulating you. But she's clearly used to being looked after and that won't change. Some people are wired that way I think. It's sad in the long run for them. I'd a friend who treated me like an atm all through college. I didn't mind becuase I was earning decent money. In my final year I got sick and couldn't work. She asked me for money a few times and then when it became clear I was no more use to her she dumped me. It was callous beyond belief.

I urge you to finish it. You've already tried to talk to her and now the guilt-tripping is beginning again.

After my previous experience with a leech I think I would probably drive her to the gig, get the money and then say goodbye aftrrwards.

Is it salvageable

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