Is it salvageable

Stupify

Hi everyone,

So I recently started going out with this girl and everything was going great,I felt really good about us and so did she I think.

So yesterday we met up after work and I brought her back to mine (I live with my parents currently), we had dinner and just watched a few movies, overall a nice relaxing time.

Then we were texting when she went home, and this is where things start to go wrong and I messed up. She wouldn't be as financially secure as I am and didn't have money for petrol, she kept going on about how she was in trouble and what would she do, I thought she was looking to borrow money from me. Now, I normally don't like lending money to friends or girlfriends unless they're in trouble and I had already lent this girl a sum of money to fix her car which she absolutely needed for work. I may have said something stupid then to her when I asked her was she using me, she wasn't impressed at all and I felt like **** almost immediately after saying it. So we left it like that and now here we are this morning and I'm in work, still feeling like crap, is this situation salvageable or have I completely messed up beyond all belief?

Ursus Horribilis

How much did you loan her to fix her car? How long are you going out?

Stupify

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

How much did you loan her to fix her car? How long are you going out?

We are going out under a month and the loan amount was 500 euro. Really I'm not too bothered about the loan right now, I just really like this girl and would like to get it back to before.

timmy880

We are going out under a month and the loan amount was 500 euro. Really I'm not too bothered about the loan right now, I just really like this girl and would like to get it back to before.

That's alot of money to lend someone after a month.... Usually when you have just started going out with someone you don't constantly communicate your struggle with money to them. The fact that she can't even afford petrol means she must be in a pretty bad way but saying it to a guy you've just known for a month is a weird thing to do, especially since you helped her so much already.

You definitely haven't messed up beyond belief! We don't know how you phrased what exactly you said but if she liked you as much as you like her then it's a salvageable situation. But her management of her finances would be a bigger concern. Good luck!

baby and crumble

You lent €500 to someone you've known less than a month? I don't think I'd even ask my fiancé for a lend of €500 never mind someone I barely knew! This seems really strange OP. Did she tell you when you'd get the loan back?

panda100

There is no way I would ask for or take a 500euro loan from someone I've only been seeing a month! Something strange going on here methinks

Stupify

timmy880 wrote: »

That's alot of money to lend someone after a month.... Usually when you have just started going out with someone you don't constantly communicate your struggle with money to them. The fact that she can't even afford petrol means she must be in a pretty bad way but saying it to a guy you've just known for a month is a weird thing to do, especially since you helped her so much already.

You definitely haven't messed up beyond belief! We don't know how you phrased what exactly you said but if she liked you as much as you like her then it's a salvageable situation. But her management of her finances would be a bigger concern. Good luck!

She's just recently moved out of home and probably didn't realize the costs associated with living out of the family home, so I had some sympathy for her. Plus her living situation isn't ideal, she lives with her ex, I know that sounds really strange but she can't afford to move out on her own and refuses to move back to her parents.

The way I worded it was just " I'm really worried, are you using me?", I really wanted to call her to try talk it over with her but she just didn't want to talk to me after I said that. I'm hoping she'll talk to me today, I felt it would have been better if we could have solved it before we both went to sleep last night as now it's had time to fester.

Stupify

baby and crumble wrote: »

You lent €500 to someone you've known less than a month? I don't think I'd even ask my fiancé for a lend of €500 never mind someone I barely knew! This seems really strange OP. Did she tell you when you'd get the loan back?

She did say originally that she'd pay it back within the week but then said it would be easier for her to pay it back in 100 installments every week and I told her I was ok with that.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure he's an ex? It's all very strange.

Stupify

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are you sure he's an ex? It's all very strange.

It was strange for me too tbh and I can't stay over at hers because it's so awkward, she invited me over one night to stay and he threw a bit of a hissy fit and went into his room slamming the door. At the time we weren't going out and I was going to just walk as I thought this was drama I didn't want to get involved in, but we chatted and we just agreed that we wouldn't go near him anymore.

baby and crumble

Stupify wrote: »

She did say originally that she'd pay it back within the week but then said it would be easier for her to pay it back in 100 installments every week and I told her I was ok with that.

That's a years worth of payments. That's a lot when you don't know if you'll work out as a couple.

The ex thing is very strange. The whole thing screams head melt if you ask me.

Minera

Very loud alarm bells ringing OP, approach this with caution and if anymore money is requested cut your losses and get out!

timmy880

Can't afford to move out because she lives with her ex..... Can't afford her petrol.... Agrees to pay you back 500 quid over the space of a year when ye have been together less than a month?

This is all starting to pile up too much imo. If its this difficult after a month together then I'd be worried what it's going to be like when the new relationship buzz disappears. This is supposed to be the easy time....

It's a bit of a head wreck unfortunately

Stupify

baby and crumble wrote: »

That's a years worth of payments. That's a lot when you don't know if you'll work out as a couple.

The ex thing is very strange. The whole thing screams head melt if you ask me.

Sorry that should be 100 euro installments every week, so 5 weeks.

Yeah, the ex thing is a bit messy but as long as he wasn't interfering in our relationship I felt ok about it, I trust her. There was only one occasion where I felt strange about their relationship and that's when she mentioned she was buying him a present for his birthday, I was like wtf but she said he's her roommate and they have to interact so it's better to keep things on friendly footing. Still I was hurt that she even mentioned the present to me, but she's very open about everything she does, literally tells me everything that happens in her day.

Ursus Horribilis

Is she sharing a place with her ex? As in a place with just the two of them? That'd be quite a bit of rent, no? Why can't she move out, get her deposit back and move into a house share?

timmy880

Sorry that should be 100 euro installments every week, so 5 weeks.

How can she do this when she is saying she has no money for petrol? It's still a bit odd. And like someone else has said, if she is just sharing with 1 person her rent will be very expensive. She would save alot of money moving into a house that has 4/5 people already there. And none of them would be her ex!

Stupify

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is she sharing a place with her ex? As in a place with just the two of them? That'd be quite a bit of rent, no? Why can't she move out, get her deposit back and move into a house share?

Yes, it's a two bed place in a small town. The place is nice too but I'd say rent is reasonable.

Stupify

timmy880 wrote: »

How can she do this when she is saying she has no money for petrol? It's still a bit odd. And like someone else has said, if she is just sharing with 1 person her rent will be very expensive. She would save alot of money moving into a house that has 4/5 people already there. And none of them would be her ex!

She has told me that she can't get out of the lease she signed with her ex, I took her word on this but had thought it was possible to get out of a lease in a situation like this?

Ursus Horribilis

Stupify wrote: »

Sorry that should be 100 euro installments every week, so 5 weeks.

Yeah, the ex thing is a bit messy but as long as he wasn't interfering in our relationship I felt ok about it, I trust her. There was only one occasion where I felt strange about their relationship and that's when she mentioned she was buying him a present for his birthday, I was like wtf but she said he's her roommate and they have to interact so it's better to keep things on friendly footing. Still I was hurt that she even mentioned the present to me, but she's very open about everything she does, literally tells me everything that happens in her day.

Just because she's open about it doesn't mean there's nothing fishy afoot.

DeltaWhite

Ok first off - Don't be beating yourself up for saying it to her. I like when people are out straight and I don't think you did anything wrong. You were being honest which is one of the best traits a person can have.

Second. She should feel embarrassed asking a guy she's been seeing for a MONTH for €500. I would be mortified to do that.

Her reaction is a little telling aswell. She wont speak you now because you asked her straight out if she is using you? I agree with other posters saying that it's odd. Still living with her ex, fair enough if she is stuck in a lease but how long are you going to have to go on like this with her and the ex slamming doors when you come over? Not really a fun start to a relationship in my opinion!

Stupify

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Just because she's open about it doesn't mean there's nothing fishy afoot.

I agree but she hadn't given me any reason to doubt her so i just took her at her word.

BetsyEllen

OP I'm sorry but I think you're being taken for a ride here

She can't get out of her lease - that's nonsense. If she leaves, she'll just lose her share of the deposit. The 'ex' can rent the room to someone else.

She refuses to move back in with her parents? Then she is an idiot - if she doesn't have enough money for petrol, to fix her car...she is a very silly girl to not move back when she clearly can't afford to get by day to day.

What would she have done if you weren't on the scene? Just had no car? I doubt it - she would have asked her parents or found a way of getting the money together if it was so important.
It makes me cringe a little to think of asking someone I was seeing less than a month for money. Even €50! I would even have a hard time calling my parents and asking for a lend to be honest - they'd hand it over no problem at all but I just wouldn't lower myself to asking.

You were right to question her motives but you probably didn't do it in the best way, which you already know. And I wouldn't even be concerned about offending her, I'd be more worried that she'll now be annoyed and not contact you again...€500 better off than she was a while ago.
I think your main concern should now be getting your €500 back. It's a lot of money.
I would walk away from the rest of it to be honest, I know you like her but seriously...all sounds very strange to me and not a situation I'd like to be in myself.

Stupify

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Ok first off - Don't be beating yourself up for saying it to her. I like when people are out straight and I don't think you did anything wrong. You were being honest which is one of the best traits a person can have.

Second. She should feel embarrassed asking a guy she's been seeing for a MONTH for €500. I would be mortified to do that.

Her reaction is a little telling aswell. She wont speak you now because you asked her straight out if she is using you? I agree with other posters saying that it's odd. Still living with her ex, fair enough if she is stuck in a lease but how long are you going to have to go on like this with her and the ex slamming doors when you come over? Not really a fun start to a relationship in my opinion!

Thanks Delta

I should say, she didn't straight up ask me for 500 euro, I offered it when she was in trouble. I didn't offer it immediately, she was asking me for advice on what to do and at the end of the conversation I said I would be willing to lend it to her, so it's my mistake there. I work in finance so I guess she might have thought I'd be a good person to ask possibly?

ManOfMystery

I'm going to play devil's advocate here as I was still living with my ex when I got together with my now-wife.

My ex and I had broken up, but there was no massive drama - no-one had cheated, no big cataclysmic event - we'd just grown apart and decided it was better to end it and stay friends. So whilst we were tied into a lease and were still getting on fairly well (though now in separate rooms!), there was no real urgent need to move out and find a new place. It was always just on the list of things to do when the lease expired a few months later.

Of course, before the lease expired I met someone else - the girl I'm now married to - and we started seeing each other. I explained the situation from day one exactly as I've put it above, and she was very patient about it. However I obviously knew that I was going to have to move out sooner as no matter how good things are in terms of relations with your ex, it's still kinda awkward for all involved when you have a new partner and can't really bring them round with your ex there.

She may be in a similar situation. And coupled with bad money management and the fact that you offered her the loan (rather than her chasing it) .................. I don't think she's up to anything malicious. I do think she's lacking a bit of common sense and sounds like one of these people who just can't themselves organised.

I do think the situation is salvageable but what you said could come across as quite hurtful, so there may be a bit of grovelling to do.

DeltaWhite

Stupify wrote: »

Thanks Delta

I should say, she didn't straight up ask me for 500 euro, I offered it when she was in trouble. I didn't offer it immediately, she was asking me for advice on what to do and at the end of the conversation I said I would be willing to lend it to her, so it's my mistake there. I work in finance so I guess she might have thought I'd be a good person to ask possibly?

Nevertheless, she didn't have to take it. If she is in such financial difficulty, she should not be leaning on you for help. Grown woman I presume? What you may find OP is that she could start hinting more and more about how broke she is - just like she did with the petrol. While none of us can say for sure if she was just moaning to you or hinting. It could be a pattern of things to come.

It's not fair on you either, if you have a kind heart some people will take advantage of it. So whatever happens between you guys now (if anything) I wouldn't be so quick to offer her a loan again. She needs to sort out her own problems. But again just to re-iterate - I still don't think you did anything wrong asking her if she is using you!

Big Bag of Chips

When I started reading your post I had a 'rollseyes' moment when I read that you "currently live with your parents" and "she's not as financially secure as [you]". I was thinking, easy for you to be financially secure living at home! But then as I read on it became a bit clearer the actual issue. The thing is, yes, she is using you. She has options. Lots of options. She could move out of her apartment. Easily. She gets someone else in to take over her part of the lease and she moves out to somewhere cheaper.

If she hadn't been going out with you, where would she have gotten €500? She sounds like she's struggling financially, if she hasn't even cash for petrol. When was she paid? She's either really bad with managing her money and/or you're not the only person she owes money to. So yes, she is using you. She's using you as a quick fix to get out of a tight financial spot. Has she started paying you back the €100 a week yet? I suppose there's not much point in starting to pay you back, and then looking for it back again for something else she can't afford!

If you hadn't given it to her she would have used somebody else to get it. It just depends on whether you feel she's using you in a positive sense, as most couples do with give and take, or if she is taking advantage of you. I think she's taking advantage of you.I know you gave her the money because you could afford it, and because you seem like a nice guy, and she asked. But she really shouldn't have asked! There are people who spend their lives robbing Peter to pay Paul. And they don't see much of an issue with it. I'd be mortified to ask someone for €500. Mortified. If I did have to ask someone for it, I certainly wouldn't be scabbing for petrol money a couple of weeks later. But there are people, like your gf, who don't see any issue with it. Because she honestly doesn't see an issue with asking others for money she can be suitably offended when it's brought to her attention. And now she has turned it around on you, having you apologising and feeling bad for addressing it! Clever.. now, if she forgives you, you'll either never bring it up again therefore letting the 'loan' stretch on and on and you'll never again see your €500. Or, she will break up with you and you'll never again see your €500! Another option is she will borrow the money from someone else and throw it at you telling you you were always going to get it back!

I'd imagine there's a few people she doesn't speak to anymore because of unpaid loans! My sister-in-law lives like this. Every few months she has new sets of friends (or a new boyfriend) after she's used them for as much as she can get out of them before moving on when they start questioning when they're going to get it back!

Stupify

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm going to play devil's advocate here as I was still living with my ex when I got together with my now-wife.

My ex and I had broken up, but there was no massive drama - no-one had cheated, no big cataclysmic event - we'd just grown apart and decided it was better to end it and stay friends. So whilst we were tied into a lease and were still getting on fairly well (though now in separate rooms!), there was no real urgent need to move out and find a new place. It was always just on the list of things to do when the lease expired a few months later.

Of course, before the lease expired I met someone else - the girl I'm now married to - and we started seeing each other. I explained the situation from day one exactly as I've put it above, and she was very patient about it. However I obviously knew that I was going to have to move out sooner as no matter how good things are in terms of relations with your ex, it's still kinda awkward for all involved when you have a new partner and can't really bring them round with your ex there.

She may be in a similar situation. And coupled with bad money management and the fact that you offered her the loan (rather than her chasing it) .................. I don't think she's up to anything malicious. I do think she's lacking a bit of common sense and sounds like one of these people who just can't themselves organised.

I do think the situation is salvageable but what you said could come across as quite hurtful, so there may be a bit of grovelling to do.

I do genuinely think she's just a bit immature with money, there's a bit of an age gap between us, she's 22 and I'm 26 and when I was her age I could also be somewhat irresponsible with money so I don't really want to get on her case with that.

In the case of her living situation I was just hopeful that she would eventually move out, she didn't say she would though, she seemed content to spend the rest of her year long lease in that place with her ex. This didn't bother me but it would be nice if she did move out when we got a little more serious.

I did apologize a few times last night for my comment, I can see why it would be hurtful.

Big Bag of Chips

Just seen the latest posts there... She didn't ask you straight up, but she discussed it with you. Letting you know she was stuck. You offered, she accepted. The cynic in me would say she hinted and fished for it. Same way she didn't ask you for money for petrol but she dropped enough hints about how stuck she was, waiting for you to offer.

Just because she didn't outright ask you, doesn't mean she didn't ask you! You gave her €500, fair enough. She should never ever have mentioned being stuck for money again at least until she had paid you back at least SOME of the €500!

You're going out together less than a month. And already you've given her €500 and she's fishing for more. Judge Judy would have a field day with her!! And would tell you to keep your money and find a more financially stable mate!!

ManOfMystery

Stupify wrote: »

In the case of her living situation I was just hopeful that she would eventually move out, she didn't say she would though, she seemed content to spend the rest of her year long lease in that place with her ex. This didn't bother me but it would be nice if she did move out when we got a little more serious.

But you're going out less than a month? Most people would consider a month in to be still classed as the early dating stage. Do you not think it's a bit soon for her to announce she is going to move out based purely on where your relationship may or may not be further down the line?

And yes before anyone says it, I know a month is also too early to be borrowing 500 euro from a new partner - but my point stands.

Stupify

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When I started reading your post I had a 'rollseyes' moment when I read that you "currently live with your parents" and "she's not as financially secure as [you]". I was thinking, easy for you to be financially secure living at home! But then as I read on it became a bit clearer the actual issue. The thing is, yes, she is using you. She has options. Lots of options. She could move out of her apartment. Easily. She gets someone else in to take over her part of the lease and she moves out to somewhere cheaper.

If she hadn't been going out with you, where would she have gotten €500? She sounds like she's struggling financially, if she hasn't even cash for petrol. When was she paid? She's either really bad with managing her money and/or you're not the only person she owes money to. So yes, she is using you. She's using you as a quick fix to get out of a tight financial spot. Has she started paying you back the €100 a week yet? I suppose there's not much point in starting to pay you back, and then looking for it back again for something else she can't afford!

If you hadn't given it to her she would have used somebody else to get it. It just depends on whether you feel she's using you in a positive sense, as most couples do with give and take, or if she is taking advantage of you. I think she's taking advantage of you.I know you gave her the money because you could afford it, and because you seem like a nice guy, and she asked. But she really shouldn't have asked! There are people who spend their lives robbing Peter to pay Paul. And they don't see much of an issue with it. I'd be mortified to ask someone for €500. Mortified. If I did have to ask someone for it, I certainly wouldn't be scabbing for petrol money a couple of weeks later. But there are people, like your gf, who don't see any issue with it. Because she honestly doesn't see an issue with asking others for money she can be suitably offended when it's brought to her attention. And now she has turned it around on you, having you apologising and feeling bad for addressing it! Clever.. now, if she forgives you, you'll either never bring it up again therefore letting the 'loan' stretch on and on and you'll never again see your €500. Or, she will break up with you and you'll never again see your €500! Another option is she will borrow the money from someone else and throw it at you telling you you were always going to get it back!

I'd imagine there's a few people she doesn't speak to anymore because of unpaid loans! My sister-in-law lives like this. Every few months she has new sets of friends (or a new boyfriend) after she's used them for as much as she can get out of them before moving on when they start questioning when they're going to get it back!

Well in terms of our jobs, yes, I am more financially secure and the reason I live with my parents is because I'm currently building a house.

I really don't get the impression from her that she asks a lot of people for money, I do feel that she's just in a bit of trouble right now with her car breaking down all of a sudden. At least that's my hope.

Stupify

ManOfMystery wrote: »

But you're going out less than a month? Most people would consider a month in to be still classed as the early dating stage. Do you not think it's a bit soon for her to announce she is going to move out based purely on where your relationship may or may not be further down the line?

And yes before anyone says it, I know a month is also too early to be borrowing 500 euro from a new partner - but my point stands.

Absolutely, I'm not expecting her to move out today or tomorrow but just from the one discussion we had she said she would not be moving out until the lease was up, and that's 9 months away so it just felt strange to me that she would live with her ex for that long.