When was the last time you pulled off a complete masterstroke?

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:04am #1

"Last night,nheh heh heh." Save it. This is a serious discussion, for serious people, and any masturbation puns will be rubbed out and deleted by a moderator, so stick to the matter at hand.

I've pulled off a masterstroke or two in my day, but the most impressive of which was when I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

One day, a large jar of nails had toppled from the shelf and landed all over the floor, about 400 of them scattered everywhere. "I know it's a lot but do it at your own pace," he said. "Okay thanks Alex. See you next week." The hardest part was getting under them to pick them up. Looking back I could've just slid a bit of paper under them maybe, which I didn't think of at the time, but I had a better idea anyway.

I went into your man's kitchen and took the largest fridge magnet I could find back in with me. From there, I simply hovered the magnet over the nails, attracting about 20 at a time, held it over the jar and gently slid them back to where they belong. I was done in about three minutes - not unlike my other strokes, master or otherwse - and go into the living room. "All done?" he jokes. "Believe it or not Alex but I am." He's shocked. "Ah, they told me the Irish were good workers."

When was your last great idea?

Charlie19 · 08-12-2017 1:10am

Hammer89 wrote: »

"Last night,nheh heh heh." Save it. This is a serious discussion, for serious people, and any masturbation puns will be rubbed out and deleted by a moderator, so stick to the matter at hand.

I've pulled off a masterstroke or two in my day, but the most impressive of which was when I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

One day, a large jar of nails had toppled from the shelf and landed all over the floor, about 400 of them scattered everywhere. "I know it's a lot but do it at your own pace," he said. "Okay thanks Alex. See you next week." The hardest part was getting under them to pick them up. Looking back I could've just slid a bit of paper under them maybe, which I didn't think of at the time, but I had a better idea anyway.

I went into your man's kitchen and took the largest fridge magnet I could find back in with me. From there, I simply hovered the magnet over the nails, attracting about 20 at a time, held it over the jar and gently slid them back to where they belong. I was done in about three minutes - not unlike my other strokes, master or otherwse - and go into the living room. "All done?" he jokes. "Believe it or not Alex but I am." He's shocked. "Ah, they told me the Irish were good workers."

When was your last great idea?

Master stroke, rubbed out and matter in hand. Come on:pac:

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy · 08-12-2017 1:10am

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017. You lived rent free with an oul lad in return for bending over and picking up nails off his floor?

Atoms for Peace · 08-12-2017 1:15am

Where was the strangest place you had to do **** in the old mans house OP?

08-12-2017 1:17am

I missed a French oral exam in college after a night on the heavy p1ss

The lecturer was pretty furious with me and made me sweat about whether I'd get to retake it or not. She avoided my calls for the next few days and made it clear she wasn't best pleased.

To top off a bad day or two, I developed a toothache that evening. But it gave me an out.

Ended up getting fillings that week- so I got a cert from dentist backdated to the French oral. Lecturer was pure sympathetic when I landed up to her puffy cheeked, certified and all doe-eyed apologies.

Best part tho- I studied every obscure bit of dentistry/tooth related french I could find in the interim and when the rescheduled exam came up it was a cinch to steer the talk about why I'd missed the first one and use highly technical phrases and well polished full sentences taken straight from french dentistry leaflets or whatever. Didn't stop blathering on like I was a Paris dentist for the full exam.

Aced the exam. Don't have the tooth anymore tho

December2012 · 08-12-2017 1:18am

I helped my kid “look” for the chocolate missing from the advent calendar this evening

That I ate last night while they were in bed.

thesandeman · 08-12-2017 1:19am

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017.

Nothing will beat last year's (or was it the year before?) late entry "Joan Burton fell out of a boat in Kilkenny".

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:19am

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017. You lived rent free with an oul lad in return for bending over and picking up nails off his floor?

It's called wolfing, but he didn't have a lot of stuff for me to wolf at that time so he just gave me little jobs around the house when he had them. This was one

Snotty · 08-12-2017 1:20am

Using a magnet to pick up metal, that's your masterstroke? Let me guess, your teachers would always put rubbers on the top of your pencils to stop you stabbing your eyes out?

AllForIt · 08-12-2017 1:21am

89 nails Hammer Philadelphia

$Super-Scary-Full-Face-Of-Nails-Man-Latex-Mask-Horrific-Mask-Halloween-Cosplay-Costume-Prop-Breathable.jpg_640x640.jpg$

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:21am

Deleted User wrote: »

I missed a French oral exam in college after a night on the heavy p1ss

The lecturer was pretty furious with me and made me sweat about whether I'd get to retake it or not. She avoided my calls for the next few days and made it clear she wasn't best pleased.

To top off a bad day or two, I developed a toothache that evening. But it gave me an out.

Ended up getting fillings that week- so I got a cert from dentist backdated to the French oral. Lecturer was pure sympathetic when I landed up to her puffy cheeked, certified and all doe-eyed apologies.

Best part tho- I studied every obscure bit of dentistry/tooth related french I could find in the interim and when the rescheduled exam came up it was a cinch to steer the talk about why I'd missed the first one and use highly technical phrases and well polished full sentences taken straight from french dentistry leaflets or whatever. Didn't stop blathering on like I was a Paris dentist for the full exam.

Aced the exam. Don't have the tooth anymore tho

Cunning, smart and a bit manipulative.

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:23am

Snotty wrote: »

Using a magnet to pick up metal, that's your masterstroke? Let me guess, your teachers would always put rubbers on the top of your pencils to stop you stabbing your eyes out?

Snotty by name and snotty by nature. Go to bed you.

jonon9 · 08-12-2017 1:27am

Got my wife to make me a ham sandwich before she went to bed, living the dream right now.

08-12-2017 1:27am

Just watched the Christmas special Black Mirror from a few years ago having never seen it and called all the twists. I was delighted there was someone else to witness it.

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:31am

jonon9 wrote: »

Got my wife to make me a ham sandwich before she went to bed, living the dream right now.

That's only a masterstroke if there was no ham in the house.

MilesMorales1 · 08-12-2017 1:31am

This whole thread sounds sexual, even the OP does.

dxhound2005 · 08-12-2017 1:32am

I invented a machine which turns base metals into gold. But after Bitcoin came along I couldn't see much future in it. I think it might still be round the house somewhere.

Purple Mountain · 08-12-2017 1:37am

Hammer89 wrote: »

It's called wolfing, but he didn't have a lot of stuff for me to wolf at that time so he just gave me little jobs around the house when he had them. This was one

Is that the Philadelphian term for fellatio these days?

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 1:41am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Is that the Philadelphian term for fellatio these days?

No need for this. He was a nice fella, and a real prankster. Some mornings I'd wake up with some sort of glue on my stomach and my PJs pulled halfway down. He's a frat boy at heart.

cantdecide · 08-12-2017 1:48am

Helped my brother find a car recently and negotiated a fantastic priced based on the clutch being dodgy and being expensive in that make and model (Volvo).

Got the car home, bled the clutch fluid and the clutch is absolutely perfect now for about €5. Car's a complete bloody bargain.

Purple Mountain · 08-12-2017 1:51am

Hammer89 wrote: »

Some mornings I'd wake up with some sort of glue on my stomach and my PJs pulled halfway down.

#Metoo

StupidLikeAFox · 08-12-2017 2:01am

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Reads me the ****ing riot act in the hall. Tells me he is going to ring home. I get home dreading the conversation with the folks. When I get in the door everything is grand, the dinner is ready, parents are sound. Halfway through dinner it clicks with me, I get up, go down to the bedroom phine and check the good old eircom messaging service. Swiftly deleted the very irate message that was left and neither me nor the parents heard any more about it.

Not sure if it counts because it involves a good bit of luck but I felt fairly chuffed with myself when it all panned out.

Purple Mountain · 08-12-2017 2:10am

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Reads me the ****ing riot act in the hall. Tells me he is going to ring home. I get home dreading the conversation with the folks. When I get in the door everything is grand, the dinner is ready, parents are sound. Halfway through dinner it clicks with me, I get up, go down to the bedroom phine and check the good old eircom messaging service. Swiftly deleted the very irate message that was left and neither me nor the parents heard any more about it.

Not sure if it counts because it involves a good bit of luck but I felt fairly chuffed with myself when it all panned out.

You could have said you had the squits?

Hammer89 · 08-12-2017 2:27am

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Hey, you were warned.

StupidLikeAFox · 08-12-2017 2:31am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You could have said you had the squits?

If you could write that down, stick it in an envelope and post it back to 2004 I would be forever grateful

stimpson · 08-12-2017 10:38am

Hammer89 wrote: »

"I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

I’m sure you’ve changed his name to protect the guilty, but I’ll bet your name is Charlie.

....... · 08-12-2017 10:45am

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exaisle · 08-12-2017 10:59am

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I had a prick of a developer working for me who stroked me over the Y2K issue which all turned out to be a complete ball of steam....a few years later around November he started leaving his CV conspicuously around the office and took the odd day off. We had a chat and he reckoned he was worth an extra 10k because he'd "polled his developer buddies". What he didn't realise was that so had I and the town was full of those obnoxious feckers, so I sacked him and took his buddy on for 10k less.....

valoren · 08-12-2017 11:00am

We put up the decorations and there is a multitude of wires from lights and plug extensions. Bit of an eyesore. Instead of throwing them all under say the Christmas Tree skirt, I got a box like this one.

Then at the back I cut a vertical hole, a slit just big enough to feed the wires into and place the top back on it. It now contains all the wires and the plugs but innocuously looks like a present under the tree, allowing the Tree skirt to be flat.

Outlaw Pete · 08-12-2017 11:49am

Edited a PDF document to make it appear as if it was a different one.

I've said too much.

....... · 08-12-2017 11:51am

This post has been deleted.

When was the last time you pulled off a complete masterstroke?

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