When was the last time you pulled off a complete masterstroke?

Hammer89

"Last night,nheh heh heh." Save it. This is a serious discussion, for serious people, and any masturbation puns will be rubbed out and deleted by a moderator, so stick to the matter at hand.

I've pulled off a masterstroke or two in my day, but the most impressive of which was when I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

One day, a large jar of nails had toppled from the shelf and landed all over the floor, about 400 of them scattered everywhere. "I know it's a lot but do it at your own pace," he said. "Okay thanks Alex. See you next week." The hardest part was getting under them to pick them up. Looking back I could've just slid a bit of paper under them maybe, which I didn't think of at the time, but I had a better idea anyway.

I went into your man's kitchen and took the largest fridge magnet I could find back in with me. From there, I simply hovered the magnet over the nails, attracting about 20 at a time, held it over the jar and gently slid them back to where they belong. I was done in about three minutes - not unlike my other strokes, master or otherwse - and go into the living room. "All done?" he jokes. "Believe it or not Alex but I am." He's shocked. "Ah, they told me the Irish were good workers."

When was your last great idea?

Charlie19

Hammer89 wrote: »

"Last night,nheh heh heh." Save it. This is a serious discussion, for serious people, and any masturbation puns will be rubbed out and deleted by a moderator, so stick to the matter at hand.

I've pulled off a masterstroke or two in my day, but the most impressive of which was when I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

One day, a large jar of nails had toppled from the shelf and landed all over the floor, about 400 of them scattered everywhere. "I know it's a lot but do it at your own pace," he said. "Okay thanks Alex. See you next week." The hardest part was getting under them to pick them up. Looking back I could've just slid a bit of paper under them maybe, which I didn't think of at the time, but I had a better idea anyway.

I went into your man's kitchen and took the largest fridge magnet I could find back in with me. From there, I simply hovered the magnet over the nails, attracting about 20 at a time, held it over the jar and gently slid them back to where they belong. I was done in about three minutes - not unlike my other strokes, master or otherwse - and go into the living room. "All done?" he jokes. "Believe it or not Alex but I am." He's shocked. "Ah, they told me the Irish were good workers."

When was your last great idea?

Master stroke, rubbed out and matter in hand. Come on:pac:

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017. You lived rent free with an oul lad in return for bending over and picking up nails off his floor?

Atoms for Peace

Where was the strangest place you had to do **** in the old mans house OP?

I missed a French oral exam in college after a night on the heavy p1ss

The lecturer was pretty furious with me and made me sweat about whether I'd get to retake it or not. She avoided my calls for the next few days and made it clear she wasn't best pleased.

To top off a bad day or two, I developed a toothache that evening. But it gave me an out.

Ended up getting fillings that week- so I got a cert from dentist backdated to the French oral. Lecturer was pure sympathetic when I landed up to her puffy cheeked, certified and all doe-eyed apologies.

Best part tho- I studied every obscure bit of dentistry/tooth related french I could find in the interim and when the rescheduled exam came up it was a cinch to steer the talk about why I'd missed the first one and use highly technical phrases and well polished full sentences taken straight from french dentistry leaflets or whatever. Didn't stop blathering on like I was a Paris dentist for the full exam.

Aced the exam. Don't have the tooth anymore tho

December2012

I helped my kid “look” for the chocolate missing from the advent calendar this evening









That I ate last night while they were in bed.

thesandeman

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017.

Nothing will beat last year's (or was it the year before?) late entry "Joan Burton fell out of a boat in Kilkenny".

Hammer89

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

Late contender for the weirdest thread of 2017. You lived rent free with an oul lad in return for bending over and picking up nails off his floor?

It's called wolfing, but he didn't have a lot of stuff for me to wolf at that time so he just gave me little jobs around the house when he had them. This was one

Snotty

Using a magnet to pick up metal, that's your masterstroke? Let me guess, your teachers would always put rubbers on the top of your pencils to stop you stabbing your eyes out?

AllForIt

89 nails Hammer Philadelphia

Hammer89

Deleted User wrote: »

I missed a French oral exam in college after a night on the heavy p1ss

The lecturer was pretty furious with me and made me sweat about whether I'd get to retake it or not. She avoided my calls for the next few days and made it clear she wasn't best pleased.

To top off a bad day or two, I developed a toothache that evening. But it gave me an out.

Ended up getting fillings that week- so I got a cert from dentist backdated to the French oral. Lecturer was pure sympathetic when I landed up to her puffy cheeked, certified and all doe-eyed apologies.

Best part tho- I studied every obscure bit of dentistry/tooth related french I could find in the interim and when the rescheduled exam came up it was a cinch to steer the talk about why I'd missed the first one and use highly technical phrases and well polished full sentences taken straight from french dentistry leaflets or whatever. Didn't stop blathering on like I was a Paris dentist for the full exam.

Aced the exam. Don't have the tooth anymore tho

Cunning, smart and a bit manipulative.

Hammer89

Snotty wrote: »

Using a magnet to pick up metal, that's your masterstroke? Let me guess, your teachers would always put rubbers on the top of your pencils to stop you stabbing your eyes out?

Snotty by name and snotty by nature. Go to bed you.

jonon9

Got my wife to make me a ham sandwich before she went to bed, living the dream right now.

Just watched the Christmas special Black Mirror from a few years ago having never seen it and called all the twists. I was delighted there was someone else to witness it.

Hammer89

jonon9 wrote: »

Got my wife to make me a ham sandwich before she went to bed, living the dream right now.

That's only a masterstroke if there was no ham in the house.

MilesMorales1

This whole thread sounds sexual, even the OP does.

dxhound2005

I invented a machine which turns base metals into gold. But after Bitcoin came along I couldn't see much future in it. I think it might still be round the house somewhere.

Purple Mountain

Hammer89 wrote: »

It's called wolfing, but he didn't have a lot of stuff for me to wolf at that time so he just gave me little jobs around the house when he had them. This was one

Is that the Philadelphian term for fellatio these days?

Hammer89

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Is that the Philadelphian term for fellatio these days?

No need for this. He was a nice fella, and a real prankster. Some mornings I'd wake up with some sort of glue on my stomach and my PJs pulled halfway down. He's a frat boy at heart.

cantdecide

Helped my brother find a car recently and negotiated a fantastic priced based on the clutch being dodgy and being expensive in that make and model (Volvo).

Got the car home, bled the clutch fluid and the clutch is absolutely perfect now for about €5. Car's a complete bloody bargain.

Purple Mountain

Hammer89 wrote: »

Some mornings I'd wake up with some sort of glue on my stomach and my PJs pulled halfway down.

#Metoo

StupidLikeAFox

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Reads me the ****ing riot act in the hall. Tells me he is going to ring home. I get home dreading the conversation with the folks. When I get in the door everything is grand, the dinner is ready, parents are sound. Halfway through dinner it clicks with me, I get up, go down to the bedroom phine and check the good old eircom messaging service. Swiftly deleted the very irate message that was left and neither me nor the parents heard any more about it.

Not sure if it counts because it involves a good bit of luck but I felt fairly chuffed with myself when it all panned out.

Purple Mountain

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Reads me the ****ing riot act in the hall. Tells me he is going to ring home. I get home dreading the conversation with the folks. When I get in the door everything is grand, the dinner is ready, parents are sound. Halfway through dinner it clicks with me, I get up, go down to the bedroom phine and check the good old eircom messaging service. Swiftly deleted the very irate message that was left and neither me nor the parents heard any more about it.

Not sure if it counts because it involves a good bit of luck but I felt fairly chuffed with myself when it all panned out.

You could have said you had the squits?

Hammer89

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

One time I was late for school. Normally the principal would stand outside and catch all the late comers but this time he was nowhere to be seen. So I said **** it, I'll hide in the jacks for the first class, the bell rings and I leave the jacks but get a tap on the shoulder as I'm leaving. Principal has seen me going in and waited for me til he class changed to collar me.

Hey, you were warned.

StupidLikeAFox

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You could have said you had the squits?

If you could write that down, stick it in an envelope and post it back to 2004 I would be forever grateful

stimpson

Hammer89 wrote: »

"I was told to clean up a massive collection of mini nails - like, seriously tiny - off the floor in Philadelphia one time. I was staying with this man in his 60s for free, and occasionally he'd ask me to do sh*t around the house.

I’m sure you’ve changed his name to protect the guilty, but I’ll bet your name is Charlie.

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exaisle

....... wrote: »

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I had a prick of a developer working for me who stroked me over the Y2K issue which all turned out to be a complete ball of steam....a few years later around November he started leaving his CV conspicuously around the office and took the odd day off. We had a chat and he reckoned he was worth an extra 10k because he'd "polled his developer buddies". What he didn't realise was that so had I and the town was full of those obnoxious feckers, so I sacked him and took his buddy on for 10k less.....

valoren

We put up the decorations and there is a multitude of wires from lights and plug extensions. Bit of an eyesore. Instead of throwing them all under say the Christmas Tree skirt, I got a box like this one.



Then at the back I cut a vertical hole, a slit just big enough to feed the wires into and place the top back on it. It now contains all the wires and the plugs but innocuously looks like a present under the tree, allowing the Tree skirt to be flat.

Outlaw Pete

Edited a PDF document to make it appear as if it was a different one.

I've said too much.

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This post has been deleted.

StupidLikeAFox

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

Edited a PDF document to make it appear as if it was a different one.

I've said too much.

Used to do this if i had a college deadline looming that i couldnt make.

Save your assignment Word doc. Open it back up in notepad. Delete some of the gobbledegook from the beginning of the line, then save it again. If you click on it now, Microsoft Word give you an error which says "This file is corrupted". If the assignment is due on a Friday you could get a couple more days before the lecturer comes back and asks you to resend it.

arctictree

Years ago, I used to skip school at lunchtime and head into town. We were supposed to have a 'lunch pass' which allowed some kids who lived close to go home at lunch time, but I didn't have one.

So I meet a teacher in the town and he asks for my pass. I go to reach for my pocket, assuming he will not actually want to read it and he says, 'thats fine, I dont need to see it'. Don't know what I would have done otherwise as I had nothing in my pocket!

PeterParker957

arctictree wrote: »

Years ago, I used to skip school at lunchtime and head into town. We were supposed to have a 'lunch pass' which allowed some kids who lived close to go home at lunch time, but I didn't have one.

So I meet a teacher in the town and he asks for my pass. I go to reach for my pocket, assuming he will not actually want to read it and he says, 'thats fine, I dont need to see it'. Don't know what I would have done otherwise as I had nothing in my pocket!

Saw someone almost get away with that on the LUAS not long back but out the wallet.

Sheepishly grins later and goes "I don't have a ticket".... just as the second ticket checker was behind him!!!

Chancer3001

Pulled one off by fluke.

Was a poor young ladeen working in the train station cleaning trains to make ends meet for college many moons ago.

One supervisor hated my guts for no reason. He had been brought up on many bullying charges previous. Anyways, one night he tried to set me up to get the sack!

We had cleaned the train and we were all chilling out in the staff room waiting for the next . He came in and said , I want that train double checked. Which was weird enough. Few of us stood up to go see if we'd missed some rubbish.

He told everyone else sit down , just me that should check it.

I flew down through the train again, saw absolutely nothing on the floor or tables. So came back out and said, yeah all clean , no hassle.

So he ran on as quick as he could and came out holding a wallet. How did you miss this he asked as he walked off shaking his head.

The fuker had planted a wallet with 50 quid sticking out of it on a seat. Hoping I'd pick it up and he'd get me sacked for stealing.

Luck of god that if missed it as I honestly don't know if I'd have handed it in or not as I was broke at the time ....

Very lucky

jiltloop

valoren wrote: »

We put up the decorations and there is a multitude of wires from lights and plug extensions. Bit of an eyesore. Instead of throwing them all under say the Christmas Tree skirt, I got a box like this one.



Then at the back I cut a vertical hole, a slit just big enough to feed the wires into and place the top back on it. It now contains all the wires and the plugs but innocuously looks like a present under the tree, allowing the Tree skirt to be flat.

Not sure a fire warden would be happy with that one!

somefeen

Hammer89 wrote: »

It's called wolfing, but he didn't have a lot of stuff for me to wolf at that time so he just gave me little jobs around the house when he had them. This was one

You surely mean WOOFing, unless wolfing is gay slang I haven't come across yet

roadrunner16

Hammer89 wrote: »

When was your last great idea?

What was the expression about hammers only seeing nails?
:P

jesuisros

I "confided" in the Office Gossip that I planned to quit my job and move to a better paying job elsewhere (even though I had no intention of quitting) and the next day I was called into the Boss' Office and offered a raise. Masterstroke accomplished!

Are Am Eye

Every day and twice on Sunday.