One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks · 05-04-2021 5:46pm

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

trashcan · 05-04-2021 6:28pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

The man who invented predictive text has also passed away. May he rust in piss.

greenspurs · 06-04-2021 9:05am

Rotting Carrot wrote: »

Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!

One liner ??
And is that a joke ??

chooseusername · 06-04-2021 9:21am

That Spooner was a smart feller

boardz · 06-04-2021 12:32pm

Describe yourself in 3 words. Me: Lazy

MonkieSocks · 06-04-2021 6:56pm

Why do stray cows return to hemp fields?

it's the pot calling the cattle back

saabsaab · 07-04-2021 7:09pm

It a very hot day and Jane is doing painting inside her house so totally strips off The doorbell rings and a voice calls out 'Blind man here!' She hesitates but thinks he's blind and opens the door. He looks at her and says Oh! I was wondering where you wanted me to hang them!

MonkieSocks · 07-04-2021 7:10pm

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard

MonkieSocks · 09-04-2021 12:30am

I just got kicked out of the flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 2m social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet!

MonkieSocks · 09-04-2021 5:04pm

My body has absorbed so much hand sanitizer that now when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

saabsaab · 09-04-2021 5:08pm

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? Can't remember his forecasts.

MonkieSocks · 10-04-2021 5:58pm

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...... they are calling them "parallelograms"

MonkieSocks · 13-04-2021 10:50pm

My missus asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled and I told her I think most kids smell that way.

MonkieSocks · 14-04-2021 5:54pm

I’m making a coat out of pancakes, I call it my flapjacket

MonkieSocks · 15-04-2021 5:47pm

The Black Eyed peas can sing us a tune, but the Chick Peas can hummus one.

MonkieSocks · 19-04-2021 10:10pm

Before she died Marie Curie looked more radiant everyday.

trashcan · 19-04-2021 10:14pm

I used to date a parachutist with IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.

My grief counsellor died the other day, luckily, he was so good I couldn’t give a ****.

saabsaab · 19-04-2021 10:46pm

I told my Doctor that I was feeling like a sheep. He said 'Are ewe serious'

Capt'n Midnight · 19-04-2021 11:45pm

For sale bargain parachute, no strings attached.

RobbingBandit · 19-04-2021 11:52pm

I hate online dating, Stupid American calender format

MonkieSocks · 20-04-2021 6:09pm

Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they’ll have Prince Andrew buried in a 15 year old Escort?

MonkieSocks · 22-04-2021 4:30pm

I just found out that they're not going to make yardsticks any longer.

Capt'n Midnight · 22-04-2021 5:29pm

King Tut was only three foot tall, but he was a good ruler.

saabsaab · 22-04-2021 8:15pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

King Tut was only three foot tall, but he was a good ruler.

He's the yardstick by which others are judged.

Capt'n Midnight · 22-04-2021 8:48pm

Me aunt's plane arrives tomorrow afternoon.

I was centimetre.

Victor · 24-04-2021 12:17pm

trashcan wrote: »

My grief counsellor died the other day, luckily, he was so good I couldn’t give a ****.

Your ex did.

MonkieSocks · 24-04-2021 8:06pm

If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

saabsaab · 24-04-2021 8:34pm

Once tried fried cajones while abroad. I was told that they came from the dead bulls from the bullfights nearby. The next day I tried again but was surprised they were much smaller than before so I asked the waiter why. He replied 'sometimes the bull he wins!'

MonkieSocks · 25-04-2021 2:55pm

I didn't know my wife left me for a tractor salesman until I read the John deere letter.

barneygumble99 · 25-04-2021 3:19pm

I can never pronounce apocalypse, but that’s alright, it’s not the end of the world.

RobbingBandit · 25-04-2021 7:23pm

Gonna sue my therapist this week for manslaughter...

They killed my imaginary friend

MonkieSocks · 26-04-2021 10:54pm

Local Flooding Blamed on Beaver, The evidence is damming

AmyMurphy22 · 26-04-2021 11:00pm

Why do ants never get sick?
They have little anti-bodies!

MonkieSocks · 27-04-2021 10:53pm

How many trolls does it take to change a light bulb?

None; Trolls never see the light anyway.

MonkieSocks · 29-04-2021 5:00pm

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

RobbingBandit · 29-04-2021 5:06pm

Whats black and white and angry?

A Dalmatian looking at its reflection.

MonkieSocks · 02-05-2021 9:42pm

If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hour glass and still be included in family game night.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 03-05-2021 1:11am

Openly right-wing Nazi in full uniform walks into a police station, starts banging the desk, "ok lads - meeting in five minutes..."

Capt'n Midnight · 03-05-2021 11:30am

The world tongue-twister champion has been arrested and will appear in court tomorrow, he's been told to expect a tough sentence.

iamstop · 03-05-2021 6:37pm

"I've never been more certain about uncertainty than I am right meow"
- Erwin Schrödinger

MonkieSocks · 05-05-2021 11:06pm

If aliens are observing us, the ultimate alpha move would be to probe ourselves.

saabsaab · 06-05-2021 2:47pm

The optician asked my Gran if she would read the large first line of the chart for him. Her reply was 'And you tell me I'm the one that needs glasses!'

MonkieSocks · 07-05-2021 6:47pm

I planned an orgy for my birthday party and everyone came!

chooseusername · 07-05-2021 7:33pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I planned an orgy for my birthday party and everyone came!

I planned a tantric sex orgy for my birthday and nobody came.

Madeoface · 07-05-2021 7:37pm

Four women were at a table in a cafe minding their own business.

barneygumble99 · 10-05-2021 12:08pm

I once went on dragons den with the idea of making crystal balls but none of the judges saw any future in it.

MonkieSocks · 10-05-2021 8:07pm

My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her.

MonkieSocks · 12-05-2021 8:08pm

Apparently, women make the best archeologists! It because they have an inbuilt ability to dig up the past!

MonkieSocks · 17-05-2021 4:49pm

Breaking News: prime minister Boris Johnson has announced due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the pun jab.

trashcan · 17-05-2021 11:30pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Breaking News: prime minister Boris Johnson has announced due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the pun jab.

That Indian variant is no joke. I know someone who got it and he’s been in a korma for a week. Poor chap, he’d only just lost his Naan too.

One-Liner Jokes

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