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One-Liner Jokes

1…8586889091…118

Comments

  • #4352
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4353
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


  • #4354
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


    Not really, it's snow wonder.


  • #4355
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Its snow joke either.


  • #4356
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/KazzJenkins/status/1362349276035227651


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  • #4357
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a book about optimism; it's impossible to put down.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4358
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I told my psychiatrist that I feared success. He said I had nothing to worry about.


  • #4359
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

    A walkie talkie

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4360
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm reading a book about contact adhesive; it's impossible to put down.


  • #4361
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!


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  • #4362
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!
    As a vet, I have the same problem with the cutest animals that are sufferings terribly.


  • #4363
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Vet "I have to put down your dog"

    Me "is it terminal ?" :eek:

    Vet "nah, just too heavy to carry"


  • #4364
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.


  • #4365
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!

    Next on my reading list is "The unbearable lightness of being". I hope I won't happen again.


  • #4366
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.
    A glowing success.


  • #4367
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.

    That's where Schroedinger got his cat, too!


  • #4368
    namenotavailablE
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59,641 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station.

    I'm told that those types of cats really enjoy a plate of nuclear fission for their tea.

    Free Excel net pay calculator- https://taxcalc.eu/monthlyss/Employee%20PAYE%20calculator.xlsm



  • #4369
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,028 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    They're also very fond of molecular gastronomy, I hear.


  • #4370
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why do they sell unsharpened pencils ???



    Pointless ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4371
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    William Shakespeare asked his mother for a pencil and she said 2-B or not 2-B?


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  • #4372
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    A glowing success.


    Saves on the light bill. He's a real bright spark.


  • #4373
    namenotavailablE
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59,641 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    ^^.. and is a shining example of watts being saved.

    Free Excel net pay calculator- https://taxcalc.eu/monthlyss/Employee%20PAYE%20calculator.xlsm



  • #4374
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I think someone's been Watering down my Whiskey but I don't have the Proof.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4375
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?


  • #4376
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,103 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    When I die I want my remains scattered around Eurodisney. And I don't want to be cremated.


  • #4377
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,103 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    saabsaab wrote: »
    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?

    Yup Mauna Kea. Its an underwater volcano which is actually taller than Everest. But after discovering that from a pr1ck who knows about underwater volcanos I then thought that maybe dogs bring home sticks because that was bred into them over millennia of humans needing wood for fires.


  • #4378
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,871 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!


  • #4379
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Someone stole my Mr. Men collection...

    Im fecking raging...

    No more Mr Nice Guy
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4380
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The fire investigator said arson caused the fire but I told him we didn't have a son

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4381
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Mr Smith I have very bad news for you I better say it straight out You have only a few days to live!
    Patient: 'there must be a mistake?'
    Sadly no and I have got a second opinion to confirm.
    Patient: You are mistaken.
    But I have many years of experience and am never wrong!
    You are - I'm not Mr Smith!


  • #4382
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To all my scouse friends out there, you are being offered a jab, not a job.

    So don't panic.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4383
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Meat Loaf got married to an accountant ..


    He'll do anything for love, but he wont do Vat...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4384
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    chooseusername wrote: »
    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!

    Are you calling Kerry a hole?


  • #4385
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/cammyd_1972/status/1366123889055653890


  • #4386
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my wife's spices.

    She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4387
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,871 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    chooseusername wrote: »
    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!
    Deleted User wrote: »
    Are you calling Kerry a hole?
    Far from it.
    A Brendan Grace (I think) joke;
    A Jarvey taking a yank tourist up the Gap, pointing out the sights;
    "That's Craantool the highest mountain in Ireland"
    The Yank says "Gee I think that one over there is higher" pointing to Beenkeragh.
    The Jarvey, not wanting to risk a nice tip, replies;
    "I think you're right, it's down in a bit of a holla alright"
    and everyone was happy!


  • #4388
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4389
    The YOPPA
    Registered Users Posts: 177 ✭✭The YOPPA


    Two years ago my Doctor told me I was going deaf.
    I haven't heard from him since!!


  • #4390
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've decided to respect Harry and Meghan's request for privacy by not watching their Oprah interview.


  • #4391
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just found out that my uncle is a mime artist. He kept that quiet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4392
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    What's the worst medal to win at the Olympics?
    Must be the Silver. Gold is great the bronze is a consolation prize as you weren't really going to win and the Silver means you are the best loser!


  • #4393
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was kidnapped by mime artists.

    They did unspeakable things to me.


  • #4394
    Chawosfski
    Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭Chawosfski


    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !


  • #4395
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !

    No, I'm Tom.


  • #4396
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !
    Sir I'm saying you need to pay


  • #4397
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    .


    Welcome to Boards.ie

    jester.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4398
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The first rule of Mime Club is that no one talks about Mime Club.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4399
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    First time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself “this changes everything”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4400
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,103 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I told my Dad that I failed my biology exam. He replied 'I'm your mum'.


  • #4401
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/corneil/status/1368512447477342216


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