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One-Liner Jokes

18586889091118

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


    Not really, it's snow wonder.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Its snow joke either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor




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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a book about optimism; it's impossible to put down.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I told my psychiatrist that I feared success. He said I had nothing to worry about.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

    A walkie talkie

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm reading a book about contact adhesive; it's impossible to put down.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!
    As a vet, I have the same problem with the cutest animals that are sufferings terribly.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Vet "I have to put down your dog"

    Me "is it terminal ?" :eek:

    Vet "nah, just too heavy to carry"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!

    Next on my reading list is "The unbearable lightness of being". I hope I won't happen again.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.
    A glowing success.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.

    That's where Schroedinger got his cat, too!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59,641 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station.

    I'm told that those types of cats really enjoy a plate of nuclear fission for their tea.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    They're also very fond of molecular gastronomy, I hear.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why do they sell unsharpened pencils ???



    Pointless ......

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    William Shakespeare asked his mother for a pencil and she said 2-B or not 2-B?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    A glowing success.


    Saves on the light bill. He's a real bright spark.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59,641 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    ^^.. and is a shining example of watts being saved.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I think someone's been Watering down my Whiskey but I don't have the Proof.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    When I die I want my remains scattered around Eurodisney. And I don't want to be cremated.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    saabsaab wrote: »
    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?

    Yup Mauna Kea. Its an underwater volcano which is actually taller than Everest. But after discovering that from a pr1ck who knows about underwater volcanos I then thought that maybe dogs bring home sticks because that was bred into them over millennia of humans needing wood for fires.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,859 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Someone stole my Mr. Men collection...

    Im fecking raging...

    No more Mr Nice Guy

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The fire investigator said arson caused the fire but I told him we didn't have a son

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Mr Smith I have very bad news for you I better say it straight out You have only a few days to live!
    Patient: 'there must be a mistake?'
    Sadly no and I have got a second opinion to confirm.
    Patient: You are mistaken.
    But I have many years of experience and am never wrong!
    You are - I'm not Mr Smith!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To all my scouse friends out there, you are being offered a jab, not a job.

    So don't panic.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Meat Loaf got married to an accountant ..


    He'll do anything for love, but he wont do Vat...

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!

    Are you calling Kerry a hole?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my wife's spices.

    She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,859 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!
    Are you calling Kerry a hole?
    Far from it.
    A Brendan Grace (I think) joke;
    A Jarvey taking a yank tourist up the Gap, pointing out the sights;
    "That's Craantool the highest mountain in Ireland"
    The Yank says "Gee I think that one over there is higher" pointing to Beenkeragh.
    The Jarvey, not wanting to risk a nice tip, replies;
    "I think you're right, it's down in a bit of a holla alright"
    and everyone was happy!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 177 ✭✭The YOPPA


    Two years ago my Doctor told me I was going deaf.
    I haven't heard from him since!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've decided to respect Harry and Meghan's request for privacy by not watching their Oprah interview.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just found out that my uncle is a mime artist. He kept that quiet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    What's the worst medal to win at the Olympics?
    Must be the Silver. Gold is great the bronze is a consolation prize as you weren't really going to win and the Silver means you are the best loser!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was kidnapped by mime artists.

    They did unspeakable things to me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭Chawosfski


    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !

    No, I'm Tom.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !
    Sir I'm saying you need to pay


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    .


    Welcome to Boards.ie

    jester.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The first rule of Mime Club is that no one talks about Mime Club.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    First time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself “this changes everything”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I told my Dad that I failed my biology exam. He replied 'I'm your mum'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor




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