The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Loafing Oaf · 10-08-2017 10:02am

How many addiction counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

bonzodog2 · 10-08-2017 12:42pm

Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "

blueser · 10-08-2017 7:45pm

Poor Glen Campbell....He was getting cards and letters from people he didn't even know.

blueser · 10-08-2017 7:49pm

In his early days Glen Campbell used to assist the referees at football games in Derby.
He was a ' linesman for the County'.

coolhull · 13-08-2017 12:37pm

I heard 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft...

Capt'n Midnight · 13-08-2017 4:39pm

Instead of shaving your head try the new viagra eyedrops.

They make you look hard.

Loafing Oaf · 13-08-2017 4:53pm

While we're on the subject:

More of an accurate observation than a 'joke' I suppose...

MonkieSocks · 13-08-2017 5:19pm

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered,

"Let me tell you sumsing, lady.
I vasn't staring at you, like you tink;
det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded,

"Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking................. and I am looking......................... and I am tinking to myself,

'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis Taxi Fare?

glynf · 16-08-2017 9:04pm

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, and the barman gives her one.

the_pen_turner · 18-08-2017 11:59am

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

the_pen_turner · 18-08-2017 12:00pm

A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked why??
The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.
Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.
To his query,the daughter
again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.
A couple days later, the wife came home from
shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.
On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: What the **** are you doing?
The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.

Fabritzo · 18-08-2017 1:43pm

I've started dating a woman who works at the local abattoir,
she's a stunner!!!

bonzodog2 · 18-08-2017 1:46pm

What do you call a lady meteorologist on an overcast day?

Claudia

Loafing Oaf · 20-08-2017 8:28pm

In response to the late Paidi O'Se's notorious comments about Kerry football people, the head of the Kerry gaa supporters association said his members were not "f**king animals," they were just good friends with them.

Mahony0509 · 20-08-2017 9:07pm

In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 20-08-2017 9:12pm

Mahony0509 wrote: »

In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Post #71 tells it better.

21-08-2017 7:57am

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire.

Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon
to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus

Capt'n Midnight · 21-08-2017 9:10pm

I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book

branie2 · 21-08-2017 9:21pm

When is it bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?

When you're a mouse.

Miss Demeanour · 22-08-2017 8:45am

My dad has been ill recently. The doctor advised that applying grease to his back a few times a day may help his symptoms. He seemed to go downhill fast after that.

Loafing Oaf · 22-08-2017 9:35am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book

Reminds me: My girlfriend is a tennis player - love means nothing to her.

Stigura · 22-08-2017 12:40pm

I had a blow up doll for a girlfriend. But ..........

I let her down

chewed · 22-08-2017 12:46pm

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What’s the point?

Loafing Oaf · 22-08-2017 1:08pm

chewed wrote: »

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What’s the point?

Already posted this in GoT Funny thread but couldn't resist:D:

donegal. · 22-08-2017 1:18pm

trumps nothing like Hitler.
There's no way he could write a book.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

a few from the edinburgh fringe.

branie2 · 22-08-2017 1:58pm

Atheists have set up a dial-a-prayer line

When you ring, nobody answers

branie2 · 22-08-2017 3:32pm

Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond

RayCon · 22-08-2017 3:45pm

From Edinburgh fringe: "Insomnia is a complete bastard ... but on the plus side - only 3 sleeps til Christmas"

Capt'n Midnight · 22-08-2017 6:51pm

donegal. wrote: »

trumps nothing like Hitler.
There's no way he could write a book.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

a few from the edinburgh fringe.

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Bonus
The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.

GBX · 22-08-2017 7:15pm

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani school..

I don't know I just fly the drone.

Loafing Oaf · 22-08-2017 7:23pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

Bonus
The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.

Reminds me of my favourite ever fringe gag, by Stewart Francis:

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

christy c · 22-08-2017 9:35pm

What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul

foxy farmer · 22-08-2017 9:41pm

christy c wrote: »

What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul

While the nun in the bath has soap in her hole.

quickbeam · 22-08-2017 9:42pm

I think that was implied. :rolleyes:

Fabritzo · 23-08-2017 11:23am

Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!

foxy farmer · 23-08-2017 1:34pm

quickbeam wrote: »

I think that was implied. :rolleyes:

Whats being implied by your post getting 8 thanks from 7 posters?

New Home · 23-08-2017 3:18pm

Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh.

Kimbot · 23-08-2017 3:21pm

New Home wrote: »

Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh.

So good they were named twice

branie2 · 23-08-2017 3:22pm

T'was in a café they first met,
Romeo and Juliet.
And it was there that Romeo ran into debt,
for Rome-owed for Julie ate

23-08-2017 6:11pm

Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check
book out. I'm in love with a man who is far away from me.
As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook,
and had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on
Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
through Viber.

My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes,
and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your daughter, Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like wow! Cool!

I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have
fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband,
sell him on eBay.

Love,

Your Dad

jaykay74 · 23-08-2017 6:37pm

Two guys are hunting, one guy says "Whoa, big hole. How deep is that?"

Other guy says "Let's throw something in the hole and see."

They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole.

"Becky? Becky!!" Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops near the two hunters and asks them "You guys seen a goat?"

"Yes, we did! A goat ran by us about 80 miles an hour down into that hole!"
"That's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him chained to an anvil."

Ipso · 23-08-2017 6:41pm

There was a Scots man called Andy, who went into a pub for a shandy.
When he lift up his kilt to see what he spilt.
The bar maid said "Andy, that's handy"

branie2 · 24-08-2017 12:28am

What's black and white, black and white, Black and white?
A nun falling down the stairs

What's black and white and laughs?
The nun that pushed her

24-08-2017 8:18pm

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"

Suckit · 24-08-2017 8:52pm

Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at school today

Dad: Punch him in the face.

Son: But he is so cute.

flutered · 24-08-2017 9:12pm

yank ends up at the wedding reception end of bunratty castle, he orders a large burbon, while waiting for the drink he looks around and spies a cat on the landing behind the railing which runs around the top floor, its sitting on its arse washing its nether regions, while paying for the drink he says to the barman i wish i could do that, while getting his change the barman scoops out some cat food using the change, hands it to the yank saying, give him that and he might let you

TheChevron · 25-08-2017 11:45am

What did the cowboy say when he walked into a German car showroom?

Audi

branie2 · 25-08-2017 11:49am

How do you make a Swiss Cross?

Step on his foot!

Loafing Oaf · 25-08-2017 12:10pm

branie2 wrote: »

How do you make a Swiss Cross?

Step on his foot!

While we're on the subject:

Fabritzo · 25-08-2017 4:00pm

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents...

What a pair of miserable bastards!

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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