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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

12467103

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    How many addiction counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
    Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
    Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

    And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,725 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    Poor Glen Campbell....He was getting cards and letters from people he didn't even know.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,725 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    In his early days Glen Campbell used to assist the referees at football games in Derby.
    He was a ' linesman for the County'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    I heard 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft...


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Instead of shaving your head try the new viagra eyedrops.

    They make you look hard.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    While we're on the subject:

    1211291.png

    More of an accurate observation than a 'joke' I suppose...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

    The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

    He made no attempt to start the cab.

    The woman glared back at him and said,

    "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

    The old Jewish driver answered,

    "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.
    I vasn't staring at you, like you tink;
    det vould not be proper vair I come from."

    The drunk woman giggled and responded,

    "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

    He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking................. and I am looking......................... and I am tinking to myself,






    'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis Taxi Fare?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,387 ✭✭✭glynf


    A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, and the barman gives her one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
    She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
    He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door in disgust.
    The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door again.
    Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
    The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
    The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
    question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    "Yes I do." says the lady.
    The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter
    with a vibrator.
    Shocked, she asked why??
    The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.
    Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.
    To his query,the daughter
    again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
    thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.
    A couple days later, the wife came home from
    shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.
    On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
    The wife asked: What the **** are you doing?
    The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    I've started dating a woman who works at the local abattoir,
    she's a stunner!!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    What do you call a lady meteorologist on an overcast day?



    Claudia


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    In response to the late Paidi O'Se's notorious comments about Kerry football people, the head of the Kerry gaa supporters association said his members were not "f**king animals," they were just good friends with them.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Mahony0509


    In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

    These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 32,688 ✭✭✭✭ytpe2r5bxkn0c1


    Mahony0509 wrote: »
    In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

    These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

    Post #71 tells it better. ;)


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
    A Beretta Jetfire.

    Here’s her story in her own words:

    "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon

    to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
    She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
    "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
    The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
    It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    When is it bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?

    When you're a mouse.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,383 ✭✭✭Miss Demeanour


    My dad has been ill recently. The doctor advised that applying grease to his back a few times a day may help his symptoms. He seemed to go downhill fast after that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book

    Reminds me: My girlfriend is a tennis player - love means nothing to her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,520 ✭✭✭Stigura


    I had a blow up doll for a girlfriend. But ..........


























    I let her down :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,415 ✭✭✭chewed


    I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

    What’s the point?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    chewed wrote: »
    I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

    What’s the point?

    Already posted this in GoT Funny thread but couldn't resist:D:

    f574a8a2-3eea-445a-a067-8c9fe94ff7ee.jpg


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,635 ✭✭✭donegal.


    trumps nothing like Hitler.
    There's no way he could write a book.

    I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

    I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

    As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.


    a few from the edinburgh fringe.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Atheists have set up a dial-a-prayer line

    When you ring, nobody answers


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Who was the first underwater spy?

    James Pond


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,873 ✭✭✭RayCon


    From Edinburgh fringe: "Insomnia is a complete bastard ... but on the plus side - only 3 sleeps til Christmas"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    donegal. wrote: »
    trumps nothing like Hitler.
    There's no way he could write a book.

    I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

    I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

    As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.


    a few from the edinburgh fringe.

    The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
    1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

    2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

    3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

    4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

    5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

    6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

    7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

    8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

    9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

    10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

    11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

    12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

    13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

    14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

    15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

    Bonus
    The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,014 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani school..



    I don't know I just fly the drone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

    Bonus
    The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.

    Reminds me of my favourite ever fringe gag, by Stewart Francis:

    "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,197 ✭✭✭christy c


    What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    christy c wrote: »
    What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul

    While the nun in the bath has soap in her hole.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 16,287 Mod ✭✭✭✭quickbeam


    I think that was implied. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    quickbeam wrote: »
    I think that was implied. :rolleyes:

    Whats being implied by your post getting 8 thanks from 7 posters?


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh. :D


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 18,693 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    New Home wrote: »
    Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh. :D

    So good they were named twice :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    T'was in a café they first met,
    Romeo and Juliet.
    And it was there that Romeo ran into debt,
    for Rome-owed for Julie ate


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Dearest Dad,

    I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check
    book out. I'm in love with a man who is far away from me.
    As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland.
    We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook,
    and had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on
    Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
    through Viber.

    My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes,
    and a really big wedding.

    Lots of love and thanks.

    Your daughter, Lilly


    THE RESPONSE

    My Dear Lilly,

    Like wow! Cool!

    I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have
    fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
    for it all through PayPal.
    And when you get fed up with your new husband,
    sell him on eBay.

    Love,

    Your Dad


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,586 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    Two guys are hunting, one guy says "Whoa, big hole. How deep is that?"

    Other guy says "Let's throw something in the hole and see."

    They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole.

    "Becky? Becky!!" Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops near the two hunters and asks them "You guys seen a goat?"

    "Yes, we did! A goat ran by us about 80 miles an hour down into that hole!"
    "That's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him chained to an anvil."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    There was a Scots man called Andy, who went into a pub for a shandy.
    When he lift up his kilt to see what he spilt.
    The bar maid said "Andy, that's handy"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What's black and white, black and white, Black and white?
    A nun falling down the stairs

    What's black and white and laughs?
    The nun that pushed her


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

    Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at school today

    Dad: Punch him in the face.

    Son: But he is so cute.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,693 ✭✭✭flutered


    yank ends up at the wedding reception end of bunratty castle, he orders a large burbon, while waiting for the drink he looks around and spies a cat on the landing behind the railing which runs around the top floor, its sitting on its arse washing its nether regions, while paying for the drink he says to the barman i wish i could do that, while getting his change the barman scoops out some cat food using the change, hands it to the yank saying, give him that and he might let you


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    What did the cowboy say when he walked into a German car showroom?

    Audi


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    How do you make a Swiss Cross?

    Step on his foot!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,802 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    branie2 wrote: »
    How do you make a Swiss Cross?

    Step on his foot!

    While we're on the subject:

    swiss+flag+a+big+plus.jpg


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents...

    What a pair of miserable bastards!


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