Now Ye're Talking - To a Transgender Woman

tailgunner wrote: »

I would have thought that as a transgender woman, you are currently able to marry a man.

Nope. I'm currently able to marry a woman! And the reason is because marriage is based on the gender on your birth cert.

And (assuming the legislative changes go ahead) in the near future, you'll also be able to marry a woman. Surely this means that equality will thus exist for transgender people, regardless of their sexuality?

If marriage equality comes in, then I can marry whomever I want. But without marriage equality, I can marry a woman without getting my gender recognised, and a man if I were to get my gender recognised (under the current proposals).

I hope I'm not missing something obvious...

The only thing you are missing is how complicated our politicians make things for the people they serve.....

Thanks for your answers so far by the way, really interesting and informative!

Thanks - glad to hear it!

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Nope. I'm currently able to marry a woman! And the reason is because marriage is based on the gender on your birth cert.

Or a transgender man?

deirdre_dub wrote: »

The only thing you are missing is how complicated our politicians make things for the people they serve.....

You're right - utterly confusing!

tailgunner wrote: »

Or a transgender man?

You win!!!

You're right - utterly confusing!

Yup - sure is!

eviltwin wrote: »

Is there much support for the family and friends of a transgender person? I'd imagine it must be like a bereavement in some ways. Is that support easy to find?

There is a group called transparentci which is for the families of transgender people. You can find them through teni

No-one dies when someone transitions. Indeed, it is my experience and the experience of many many others that transition is life-saving.

Family members reactions are in two broad categories - transphobic, and accepting, with the former being more common than the latter.

Amongst non-transphobic reactions, there can be some mourning if, for example, the father was really looking forward to walking his daughter down the aisle.

But after the initial shock, and adjustment, and mourning is dealt with, what families are left with is a child / sibling who is much much happier, and who has a much brighter future ahead of them. And that is celebrated by those who truly love the transgender person.

In my case, I would have to guess the initial reaction of my father was one of worry - he didn't know if I could make a life as a female "work", and he was dreadfully afraid that I would be the victim of transphobic violence. But as time passed, he saw that my life as a female works better than my life as a male, and that whereas transphobic violence is there, it is nowhere near as big a deal as he had feared. I don't know if he mourned anything - I doubt it - I was 40 at the time!

As for friends - it's complicated. Again there are transphobic and accepting reactions, and I think most reactions are accepting.

Having said that, I kinda lost my closest friend at the time. One of our mutual friends told me that as far as he was concerned, he was fine with me, but there were some friends of his who, if they transitioned, it would freak him out. I think he was saying that there is a different dynamic for many heterosexual men in male-male close platonic friendships than there is in male-female close platonic friendships, and I think that may be why I sort-of lost that friend.

Deirdre, I knew very little about being transgender but I know a heck of a lot more now; from your experience it sounds like an endless battle from yourself in realisations to all the red tape in having your gender recognised. I'm personally glad for you that you've had support that has surely made a difference, in having people to talk about what you're feeling and experiencing, and acceptance from family and some friends and having people I hope help you through legal and red tape issues, even just with empathy.

tbh if a family member or friend or colleague came to me about realising they were transgender, while I know I would be understanding and kind, be supportive in general, offer comfort or advice, advise them to talk to a LGBT group or TENI and get support there (since you mentioned the support for families, and as I see TENI has peer support groups) and be approachable in talking about it, I'm not sure what real support I could be or even know what sort of support I should give other than that;

what are or have been for you, significant acts of support that I, or anyone else could give to someone who realises they are transgender at any stage or throughout the whole transition?

Thanks for doing this Deirdre.

I like to think I'm an egalitarian and fully supportive and open, but you've answered some very well presented questions in a very informative way. So now I have the information behind my beliefs.

I wish I had something clever to ask but I can't so I'll ask this.

You mentioned about drag queens and transvestitism. After Pantigate and Pantis Noble Call did you receive more support? Did people get you wrong and think of you as being in drag?

Obviously your gender has been a barrier to overcome, has your sexuality been easier by comparison?

As I said, sorry if these are stupid questions.

December2012 wrote: »

You mentioned about drag queens and transvestitism. After Pantigate and Pantis Noble Call did you receive more support? Did people get you wrong and think of you as being in drag?

I think pantigate and Noble Call have both been very very good for the LGBT community, and I include the transgender community in that.

I most certainly have been mistaken for a drag queen, though since I now pass a lot better it doesn't really happen for me anymore. So it's hard for me to answer your question as to whether my transgender friends who don't pass as well, or transvestites (who also have a different experience to drag queens), have been negatively affected in the way you suggest. But given the support I see for Panti on-line from the community, I'd have to say "no". I think the public understand Panti is a one-of-a-kind - a force of nature

Obviously your gender has been a barrier to overcome, has your sexuality been easier by comparison?

A lot easier. When you let go of the gender binary as it is taught to you by society, it becomes quite easy to embrace your sexuality.

As I said, sorry if these are stupid questions.

Nope - they are great questions. Thanks.

Hi, and thanks for the post.

teemxxts wrote: »

Nevertheless I knew I could never transition. I admire people like you, people who can stand up and say 'This is me'. I'm not brave enough to do that. Reading about the experiences of transition like yours and others put me off. Not the hormones or surgery but the interaction with people and family. I couldn't deal with that.

I completely understand that. There are a couple of my friends who need to transition, but due to family, friends, community, or other circumstances, they can't. I guess I was lucky in a way that I simply couldn't not transition. I knew that if I didn't transition, the effort of living as male would eventually kill me.

I think it's important to say two things though. The first is - there is a lot of support out there. Which isn't to say that there is enough support for everyone who needs it, sadly. The second is - I was surprised that the social aspects of transition were easier than I thought they would be (probably because once I started expressing Deirdre, there was no stopping me!) which, again, isn't to say that it's going to be that easy for everyone. And it certainly wasn't easy.

I'm going to risk dropping my "activism" email here - deirdre@transgender.ie - so if there is anyone reading this who wants to talk "off-line" drop me a note.

But here I am today, married, to a woman, we have two beautiful boys. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I suppose I tried to put the TS thing behind me.

You can't. The gender dysphoria haunts me every day. It's actually a physical feeling at times.

Yes. I tried for 30 years to ignore my gender issues.

But my life now is for my children. I didn't realise how instinctive that is. It can't quite compensate for having to continue to live a lie but it helps. I'm sad for you never having children. I can't imagine a world without mine. Mind you, they think the world revolves around them!

I'm glad you found such a wonderful way to live.

So well done never underestimate your strength. I envy you.

I see myself as weaker than you. I simply could not possibly have done what you've done. But I guess our circumstances are very different - it was physically impossible for me to be sexual with anyone with the junk I had, so kids were out of the question for me.

Envy me? Don't. Please don't compare yourself to others - instead marvel in your own strength that got you this far and which created the wonderful family life you have.

And thanks for sticking around to tell us your story. As you say, too many of us take our own lives. 40% of transgender people attempt suicide at least once. Thankfully I'm in the 60%, in spite of everything - I just have a determination to not die by my own hand.

Thanks again
xx

Thanks for doing this Deirdre. I haven't had much exposure to real (as in, not TV / film caricatures) transgender people and as such, never heard much about what it's like firsthand. You've answered a whole lot of questions I didn't even know I had.

strobe wrote: »

Firstly, I noticed in your posts you tend to refer to yourself as a 'transgender girl/woman' rather than just 'a girl/woman'. I was just wondering if there is a reason behind that?

Context. I'm currently participating in a discussion about transgender issues. When I'm down the pub, or with my friends, or in the shops, or with my family, I'm a girl/woman.

Secondly, I'd tend to think of MtF or FtM transsexuals, after transition, as MtF or FtM transsexuals, rather than just men or women. So I don't think of a MtF as a woman, but no longer would think of them as a man either, but rather a third category. I was wondering if that would be considered to be offensive by transsexuals in your opinion? Do you think it's not an accurate way of viewing things, and if not why not?

I'm going to speak for myself here, because I don't agree with you, but there is a very small minority of transgender people who would.

Look - I don't deny for a second that my experience of gender is atypical. But the key message I'm trying to get across is - my body, my genitals, my chromosomes, my appearance - these are not the most important way I experience gender. The most important way I experience gender is in my head, my heart, my soul. And in those places, I'm female. And it feels like that reality of mine is being denied, and that I'm being "othered", when I'm labelled as you label me.

My atypical experience of gender is not my fault. It's not of my choosing. It's something - and something really difficult - I was born with.

I'll give you an analogy. Imagine someone born in the Netherlands, who has been living here for a few years, who has embraced our culture, and who says that he's Irish. When he's saying he's Irish, he isn't talking about the facts of his birth - he's talking about his innermost experience of himself in relation to the world around him.

So at what point does he get the right to stop calling himself Dutch, or Dutch-Irish? When he changes his passport? When he learns the language? When he dyes his hair red?! Or, because he was born in the Netherlands - never?!

And, who gets to decide when he gets to call himself Irish?

strobe wrote: »

So was just curious if it'd be something better kept to myself should I find myself in the company of a transsexual.

First of all, you probably already have been in the company of one of us. I regularly get called "love" by Dublin bus and taxi drivers, for instance. Second, the word "transsexual" isn't really used in the transgender community, as our experience of gender has nothing to do with our sex or our sexuality - it's an innate thing. Lastly, I think it's as inappropriate as it would be for you to contradict someone who says they are Irish because they weren't born here.

Does it irritate you or does it even happen that people say 'When you were a man'?

It used to really jar me. These days, situation permitting, I'd take the opportunity to do a bit of educating, and move on.

Do you wake up in the mornings sometimes and smile to yourself when you realise how far you've come? Do you ever think that its like it was all a dream.

I keep one picture of "him" with me on my phone. Every time I look at it, I do indeed marvel, though there are other emotions too, like regret I didn't transition sooner, and shock that I sort-of hardly recognise him!

My dream come true would be to wake up tomorrow morning as a woman with the 'thing' gone but everything else in my life the same.

Very typical for a transgender person...

Do you enjoy what you see in the mirror now?

No, actually. I'm quite overweight. But I'm less self-conscious now than when I was trying to be male

On another tack, what are the long term implications, health wise for a woman who has transitioned? I know there are complications with hormone treatment at times.

I don't know, actually. I probably wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for transition, so it's not the most important thing for me to know the medical downsides. I have check-ups every 6 months in the hospital, so there are people looking out for that.

Whispered wrote: »

Do you feel there is anything that could have been done in your upbringing that would have allowed (for want of a better word) you to realise your true gender from an earlier age?

In my case - no. The information just wasn't available. My parents are quite liberal, and believe that their kids gender shouldn't define them or their future.

What advice would you give to parents on the subject of gender and traditional gender perceptions and self acceptance?

You've phrased that question so well I'm not sure there is anything I can add!

If your kid shows strong cross-gender behaviour or desire, don't panic. Support them as best you can. They might grow out of it (and childhood is the best time for such explorations and experimentation - and you'll be left with a much better rounded child), or they may not (and you'll be making life a whole lot easier and better for them if they subsequently need to transition).

Redser87 wrote: »

Just wondering if you are particularly "feminine" in your tastes?

I basically never wear makeup - even when I should. I'm about 70% of the time in dresses / skirts, the rest in jeans/trousers/teeshirts. I wear my hair shoulder-length, and it is coloured (to hide the grey!). My interests include astronomy, I.T., and electronics.

(In saying all of this, I am not saying that these tastes and hobbies "should" define a person - but our society loves a good binary.)

Agreed.

One of the questions I had to ask myself was - to what extent am I making changes to myself because it's who I am, and to what extent am I making those changes because it's what's expected of me. In other words, am I going from one set of conformities into another.

For me, I answer that question by not wearing makeup. I'm lucky in that I pass well enough without it, but makeup definitely isn't "me", and even though I "should" wear it, I generally don't.

But damn do I look hot when I do! lol

I was wondering what you look like! but didn't like to ask😃. You look very young looking as you've very good skin. I believe not wearing make up a lot has contributed to that.

A question that might be a bit personal and you don't have to answer but it is the bugbear of most women. are you conscious of your weight or figure.? For example I don't have a typical feminine hourglass figure as I'm quite thick waisted naturally and have a flat backside.

Would you have the same hang ups?

Love the pics!
Since you mention Dr Lydia Foy....yesterday I understand was the debate in the Dail of the Gender Recognition Bill. You've referred to this a few times in responses... Now I wouldn't have read it or even known this was still an on-going issue although a good overview was a press release on the merrion street website as well as details from TENI about it and tbh I've seen little reference to it in media. I understand its status is still in limbo and going forward to a Dail Committee next week.

Does this particular Bill (in its current amended form as changed before 2nd Seanad Debate) represent what you want and what Dr Lydia Foy have fought so long for? Does it reconcile the differences between Irish and EU Human Rights Law? How are you feeling with it dragging on and on at each stage, surely it must be tedious waiting and waiting on it..? And given that there has been pressure on Ireland to finally deal with it after abandoning it, do you think that the various organisations - the EU and UN for example - should have been more proactive or challenging in finally getting Ireland to deal with it given there was indeed a need to provide for it?

orthsquel wrote: »

Does this particular Bill (in its current amended form as changed before 2nd Seanad Debate) represent what you want and what Dr Lydia Foy have fought so long for? Does it reconcile the differences between Irish and EU Human Rights Law? How are you feeling with it dragging on and on at each stage, surely it must be tedious waiting and waiting on it..? And given that there has been pressure on Ireland to finally deal with it after abandoning it, do you think that the various organisations - the EU and UN for example - should have been more proactive or challenging in finally getting Ireland to deal with it given there was indeed a need to provide for it?

I've stated before that I intend to not avail of gender recognition as it is currently proposed, and for a good practical reason. But the truth of the matter is that marriage equality will come in May, and so my practical reason for not getting my gender recognised will evaporate.

However I'm so upset over the proposals that I'm considering never getting my gender recognised anyway, as a form of protest. Thankfully the consequences on my day-to-day life would be minimal. I feel that if I were to get my gender recognised under this Government's scheme, I'd be dishonouring the journey I've had to make to realise Deirdre.

I suspect Dr. Foy is happy with the proposals. She's fought long and hard, and she just wants it to be over, and she'll qualify for her new birth cert under the proposals. And she is old, and I know that I'd hate to see her die before she gets that bit of paper. I'm happy for her, and I'm happy for the others who need that piece of paper for whatever reason.

The proposals are the bare minimum this Government needs to do to get the EU court of human rights off their back. However they have already come under fierce criticism from the EU human rights commissioner for their sickeningly conservative and disrespectful approach. I can't really fault the EU or the UN or any other organisation - they have been criticising the Government roundly at every opportunity - and the fact of the matter is that our Government seems immune to their criticisms.

Personally I don't mind it dragging on - so long as it helps the legislation get better. I'm in no mad rush to get my birth cert changed. I will qualify under the scheme, but the fact of the matter is that using my birth cert is a rare thing, and whereas it's dreadfully uncomfortable to have to use a piece of documentation which outs me as transgender, I can live with it. It's more a symbolic thing than a practical thing - albeit a hugely important symbolic thing. There are much bigger issues facing the transgender community - mental health, suicide, trans-specific healthcare, violence. However, getting properly recognised in law might, I guess, have a trickle-down effect on those issues.

On a personal level, the requirement that irks me the most is the medicalisation issue - the fact that I have to get a doctor to tell the government I'm transgender. Which means that, once again, in spite of 4 independent diagnoses of gender identity disorder, I'm probably going to have to prostrate myself in front of yet another doctor and beg him to allow me to be me. :mad: I'm sick of not having agency over my identity. Also, as far as I am concerned, the legislation requires doctors to lie. The doctor has to say that I fully understand the consequences of the decision (ugh! ) to live the rest of my life in my "preferred" (ugh ) gender. I'm 5 years in, and I'm still learning what those consequences are - so how can a doctor say that I know what the consequences are?!

On a wider level, the age requirement is bollocks. There is this idea that transgender people don't know ourselves - that we must be delusional, or influenced by other forces - and especially if we are young. smh.

And there is the divorce clause. It's rare enough, though certainly not unheard of, for marriages with a transgender person to survive transition. But it's bollox for such a loving, loveable, transgender person to have to choose between their marriage/family and their identity.

I've just disconnected in disgust from the whole thing. When gender recognition comes in, I'll see how I feel, but right now, I just feel disgusted.

Hi Deirdre, thanks for a very informative AMA

I found this on the BBC website.
http://m.bbc.com/news/magazine-31697046

The world is definitely changing.

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Did you notice a difference in your physical strength as you went through the transition to becoming a woman?

Yup. As I said above, it was one of the more interesting aspects of transition, especially in how klutzy it made me.

I guess I first noticed it maybe 6 months in. I had a fold-up bike that I needed to carry up a flight of stairs. I could definitely feel the bike getting heavier.