Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

susieball · 09-02-2020 10:25pm

Hi! Fringegirl, that's good advice! I have taken a step back with washing, cooking, cleaning up after them. Currently he has only bus fare, and has to make his own lunch for school, as when I gave him money for school supplies, he spent 20 o fit on tobacco and roll up papers.

Lefty Bicek · 09-02-2020 10:31pm

susieball wrote: »

Paperdaisy, that's good advice. My son doesn't sleep in an open gallery. The attic is an open gallery. My son has his own room, but he really has taken over the attic space, and uses it for his friends, to watch video games etc. My daughter rarely uses it. There are wooden floors - bare floorboards thoroughout the upstairs of the house, so even in the rooms, sound reverberates, especially loud sounds.

Re his studies, he now just wants to leave home as soon as possible after LC and get a job. He is very bright and went to a programme for really bright children a couple of years ago - but sees no point now in going to college. He could really achieve very high points if he was focused. Decided not to attend the psychometric testing for career choice that I had paid for to help him with his career choice. Everytime, I don't agree with something he does, i.e. drinking, smoking, sex, he thinks I am getting at him. Tells me that he hates me, that he can't wait to leave home, and than wonders, in the next breath, why I now don't want to take him and his friend, on a week's holiday to Tenerife, that I had promised him, and paid for, at end of last year. I feel like I am going aroundnin circles, and can't find the escape route!Teenagers!! Take note anyone who has children under 12/13.

Ah well, now.

Mummy's Boy is playing Mummy like a fiddle.

Do not take him to Tenerife. Do not.

A few years of doing his own cooking, cleaning and paying rent - that will crystallise his thoughts neatly about dead-end jobs and not having gone to college. Actually, university as a mature student is a great experience.

A boot up the hole is what he needs.

paperdaisy · 10-02-2020 12:49am

susieball wrote: »

Paperdaisy, that's good advice. My son doesn't sleep in an open gallery. The attic is an open gallery. My son has his own room, but he really has taken over the attic space, and uses it for his friends, to watch video games etc. My daughter rarely uses it. There are wooden floors - bare floorboards thoroughout the upstairs of the house, so even in the rooms, sound reverberates, especially loud sounds.

Re his studies, he now just wants to leave home as soon as possible after LC and get a job. He is very bright and went to a programme for really bright children a couple of years ago - but sees no point now in going to college. He could really achieve very high points if he was focused. Decided not to attend the psychometric testing for career choice that I had paid for to help him with his career choice. Everytime, I don't agree with something he does, i.e. drinking, smoking, sex, he thinks I am getting at him. Tells me that he hates me, that he can't wait to leave home, and than wonders, in the next breath, why I now don't want to take him and his friend, on a week's holiday to Tenerife, that I had promised him, and paid for, at end of last year. I feel like I am going aroundnin circles, and can't find the escape route!Teenagers!! Take note anyone who has children under 12/13.

Thanks for explaining about the gallery susieball - I had got the wrong end of the stick. It sounds like your son is struggling with the stress of exams and competing for college places etc. It's so unfortunate that youngsters have to cope with all of these academic pressures just when adolescence is in full swing. The fact that he's very clever increases the pressure on him, probably to the point where he cannot cope. The smoking and alcohol are coping mechanisms, and hopefully in time he'll put his health first and quit or cut down on these habits. He needs to mature until he knows his own mind regarding a career path that interests him. Maybe his plan of getting a job after his Leaving Cert is the best option for him now. You can still encourage him to do his best at the exams, so as to keep his options open further down the line.

The contradiction of him desperately wanting his independence one minute, while wanting to go on holiday with his mother the next, is typical teenage logic. Presumably you booked the holiday before this situation emerged? Though I wonder whether it might do you both good to actually go on the holiday and spend some time away from the stresses at home? You might both be able to relax a bit and talk things through in a more adult way...

susieball · 10-02-2020 8:53am

Thanks for reply, Paperdaisy, no stress of exams for him as he is in TY. No pressure at home, but just to do get up for school, engage in TY projects etc. I may still go on holidays with both my children last summer. It was so miserable, and I spent 3 days being really upset, as my son and daughter argued so much, and then he was so abusive to me when I tried to stop it, shouting to me that I was a horrible parent, no one liked me etc. this is after music lessons for drums, piano, singing as they wanted, hobbies - surfing, canoeing, holidays - all of which I had to work extra hours to afford. Then recently when I started to go away with family for a night or two, in Ireland, the house would be thrashed when I returned, lots of stuff broken, alcohol drink and cans everywhere. It might seem harsh to others, but I don't really want my children staying with me after 18 - just trying to figure out how I can afford college elsewhere - so it's all the stuff that leading up to sex in galleried attic also!

sbsquarepants · 10-02-2020 9:14am

susieball wrote: »

I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

That's entirely your choice, but you just need to be aware - if it's not in your house it will just be somewhere else, someone else's house or a field or whatever, but you will definitely not be able to stop it happening.

There is not a force in the known universe can keep a teenage boy from getting a ride, if there's a ride to be had:D

Better to keep them safe in my opinion!

Gynoid · 10-02-2020 9:22am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

That's entirely your choice, but you just need to be aware - if it's not in your house it will just be somewhere else, someone else's house or a field or whatever, but you will definitely not be able to stop it happening.

There is not a force in the known universe can keep a teenage boy from getting a ride, if there's a ride to be had:D

Better to keep them safe in my opinion!

Safe is one thing, but exhibitionism to yer Ma is another.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 10-02-2020 9:26am

Not sure if this was answered (and please ignore if it was) but:

Are you annoyed that they were having sex, or that they disobeyed your "seperate rooms" order?

fitzparker · 10-02-2020 9:28am

Are some people actually saying they would let their 16 year old ride up stairs while your ma is watching tele?

"alright ma, turn that tele up im going to trottle my "friend"
"yeah no bother son, is 20 mins alright"

Get the boat, rules are rules, we all know they are going up to mess around but to be loud enough to hear over the tele it shows a lack of respect and a couldn't give a bollix attitude.

in my experience, I would ****e meself getting caught so never brought a "friend" home but for the son to be so brazen about it after would wind me up.... Take the L kid you got caught!

kenmm · 10-02-2020 9:28am

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply, Paperdaisy, no stress of exams for him as he is in TY. No pressure at home, but just to do get up for school, engage in TY projects etc. I may still go on holidays with both my children last summer. It was so miserable, and I spent 3 days being really upset, as my son and daughter argued so much, and then he was so abusive to me when I tried to stop it, shouting to me that I was a horrible parent, no one liked me etc. this is after music lessons for drums, piano, singing as they wanted, hobbies - surfing, canoeing, holidays - all of which I had to work extra hours to afford. Then recently when I started to go away with family for a night or two, in Ireland, the house would be thrashed when I returned, lots of stuff broken, alcohol drink and cans everywhere. It might seem harsh to others, but I don't really want my children staying with me after 18 - just trying to figure out how I can afford college elsewhere - so it's all the stuff that leading up to sex in galleried attic also!

You guys sound like there are a lot of built up issues over the years and unresolved trauma of some sorts. I think maybe you should seek some family counselling at least to find a way to talk about resentment (you are unfairly paying for a lot of unappreciated things for example - why are they so unappreciated and why continue?). Problems wont magically go away when the children turn 18 - just more arguing and problems with alcohol abuse and goodness knows what else will land on your doorstep.

Maybe a GP referral can help or one of the mental health charities.
I hope you don't find this offensive, I am reading between the lines a lot, but you have taken some sort of action to reach out for help by posting on this forum.

Gynoid · 10-02-2020 9:31am

fitzparker wrote: »

Are some people actually saying they would let their 16 year old ride up stairs while your ma is watching tele?

"alright ma, turn that tele up im going to trottle my "friend"
"yeah no bother son, is 20 mins alright"

Get the boat, rules are rules, we all know they are going up to mess around but to be loud enough to hear over the tele it shows a lack of respect and a couldn't give a bollix attitude.

in my experience, I would ****e meself getting caught so never brought a "friend" home but for the son to be so brazen about it after would wind me up.... Take the L kid you got caught!

Not just noise, but riding in an open gallery space. I would blow a fricking trumpet into his ear if he shags loudly in the open again.

rob316 · 10-02-2020 9:36am

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

Gynoid · 10-02-2020 9:38am

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house.

All did it...on the landing? Loudly? Left lube on the kitchen table? You have obviously never met my Da. You would have been short one mickey limping home.

Larbre34 · 10-02-2020 9:41am

We could tip toe around the wheres and hows are why fors, but basically laughing boy is a disrespectful little shyte who needs a slap. Now as much as an actual slap would be fun, a metaphorical one is the only option. You are definitely doing the right thing cutting off his handy money, lunches etc, but those consequences need to go further.

Every time theres a serious incident of disrespect (from either son or daughter btw) something major needs to go. Phone credit, the phone itself, the games console, TV, any fancy clothes etc. And i dont mean confiscate them, put an axe through them. It will lead to eruptions, sure, but it will begin to dawn before long. To quote my dear old Mam's timeless advice - 'don't care was made to care'

holyhead · 10-02-2020 9:43am

Long term it’s worrying he becomes unsavoury with alcohol.
Put your foot down regarding any guff out of him. Your entitled to be respected.
No sex in the house if that is your preference.

ted1 · 10-02-2020 9:46am

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

We all did it , but most made sure to keep the noise down. Having a vocal partner in the house while your parents or siblings is there is just disrespectful. That’s what pillows are for. And if the bed is noisy that’s what floors are for.

jester77 · 10-02-2020 9:51am

Has he a good relationship with his dad?

I would be getting onto the dad and having him to have a proper father son talk about this, having him explain the real world consequences, and about showing respect to the people he shares a house with.

Dog day · 10-02-2020 9:56am

kenmm wrote: »

You guys sound like there are a lot of built up issues over the years and unresolved trauma of some sorts. I think maybe you should seek some family counselling at least to find a way to talk about resentment (you are unfairly paying for a lot of unappreciated things for example - why are they so unappreciated and why continue?).

Seconding this OP, it’s clear you need some support in communicating with your son, there’s no shame in that. Teenagers often see Parents as ‘the enemy’ & perhaps some professional support will help. It’s really time to take some concrete action. Reiterating again the importance of both consent & safe sex, if your son turns 17 before his girlfriend you could have even more serious problems to face.

topmanamillion · 10-02-2020 10:03am

susieball wrote: »

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

You've said already you'd love to have the money to send him to college. But he has the money to spend on drink.
Seems like he's running the house and you're a lodger.
Difficult to know how you reign it in but there needs to be consequences.
If I was his parent the money from his job would be going into a savings account for education.

The softly softly approach has led you to the point where you have an aggressive sexually active 16 year old with zero respect for you.
The light bulb isn't going to flick on in a couple of years when he turns 18.
Appaling that he would wreck your home with house parties and see nothing wrong with it.

kenmm · 10-02-2020 10:20am

Dog day wrote: »

Seconding this OP, it’s clear you need some support in communicating with your son, there’s no shame in that. Teenagers often see Parents as ‘the enemy’ & perhaps some professional support will help. It’s really time to take some concrete action. Reiterating again the importance of both consent & safe sex, if your son turns 17 before his girlfriend you could have even more serious problems to face.

Its more than the Sex. There are alcohol and possibly other substance abuse issues as well as general respect.
These are all symptoms of a deeper issue.
Banning sex or other putting other punishments in place at this stage is trying to cure the symptom without addressing the underlying issues behind these behaviours.

There is no shame at all in getting help, more people if they were truly honest would do so and be better off for it.

EDIT - I would go on to say that any other advice you receive on a forum isn't going to cut it - people will bring their own experiences, but they are not starting from the same place as you are in now. Make the call, seek external help, you all deserve some freedom from this suffering.

shesty · 10-02-2020 10:24am

OP, I cannot tell you how many times over the years I have heard parents say 'oh he is so bright, he could get loads of points if he wanted to' while wondering why their teenager (almost always boys, oddly enough) just couldn't be a$%ed.

My kids are small, so I am not speaking from direct experience of parenting teens here, only from observation over the years.Being bright doesn't mean anything if they haven't enough cop on to realise that they also need to be prepared to sit down and apply themselves, to see the future instead of immediate gratification.I always thought that 'bright' and 'common sense' are not often found together.

He sounds immature, to be honest.Like every 16 year old boy.Knows everything, never wrong, has zero cop on.I would definitely hold my ground on Tenerife, jobs around the house, no money, the works.He is at the point where he has to show you that you can trust him and so far, his record is not great.

A non-judgemental conversation is probably needed here.People always say men talk more when side by side rather than face to face.Is there anything you can do, a journey, an activity, something where the conversation comes kind of naturally, that you could broach some of these things?Even better if there was a male figure in his life.

Actually for yourself, there was an article in one of the papers last week for a service called Parentline...a phone service for parents looking for advice, or just to have a sounding board for what they are doing.They said mainly parents of teens call it.It might be worth a call for yourself, even just for a sanity check for what you are doing.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/there-are-people-out-there-who-could-do-with-the-services-of-parentline-1.4152916?mode=amp

susieball · 10-02-2020 10:43am

Thanks, Shesty, good advice!! Yes, unfortunately brains does not equal common sense. My daughter,, who is two years older, is an average kid, who has always struggled to get the grades she needs, but is a lot more focused, and hugely street wise. No boyfriends so far, through senior cycle as she stated she didn't need any distractions. She has her faults like us all, but can actually see the consequences of her actions/inactions, alas my son, who has been up until last year a straight A student, can't decipher between friends that are no good for him, what situations are dangerous etc. My mother used to say that common sense is not all that common, and there is a thin line between genius and madness.

For the other posters, in relation to the girl that he was caught in the act with. I contacted the school, and they are aware that she is vulnerable, and social work/Tusla is already involved. Obviously with GDPR that's all they could say to me, but that's enough.

Dog day · 10-02-2020 11:54am

kenmm wrote: »

Its more than the Sex. There are alcohol and possibly other substance abuse issues as well as general respect.
These are all symptoms of a deeper issue.
Banning sex or other putting other punishments in place at this stage is trying to cure the symptom without addressing the underlying issues behind these behaviours.

I’m far from suggesting it’s just about sex, I had previously posted in more detail, equally I’m not of the unrealistic opinion that banning sex is the way to go, quite the opposite infact. However there is a pejorative legal factor to consider regarding if the son reaches 17 before his girlfriend not to mention the possibility of pregnancy if safe sex isn’t also discussed. These issues are imminent & need to be addressed asap.

kenmm · 10-02-2020 11:57am

Dog day wrote: »

I’m far from suggesting it’s just about sex, I had previously posted in more detail, equally I’m not of the unrealistic opinion that banning sex is the way to go, quite the opposite infact. However there is a pejorative legal factor to consider regarding if the son reaches 17 before his girlfriend not to mention the possibility of pregnancy if safe sex isn’t also discussed. These issues are imminent & need to be addressed asap.

I know you weren't saying it's just about sex - I was just backing up my own points that I think wider help is required and many of the other posters are focusing on one single thing.

I really hope OP is able to get help with this - it must be a terrible situation to be surviving through.

beertons · 10-02-2020 12:02pm

Does he play any sports?

What ever about the sex, he shouldn't be smoking and drinking.

Wabbit Ears · 10-02-2020 12:08pm

You do need to enforce the 'your house, your rules' but your rules need to be examined. He is going to have sex. What the OP did humiliating him is terrible terrible parenting. OP needs to adult better and parent better.

Lets be clear, the OPs son will hold onto this incident forever. This was a defining moment in his life, his sexuality and the parent child relationship and the OP failed spectacularly.

Talk with the son, make sure that when he has sex he understands safe sex and the repercussions of teen pregancy etc. Accept he will be having sex and draw up rules taking them into account.

Neyite · 10-02-2020 12:27pm

Leaving the lube in the kitchen, and having noisy sex is more than just him having sex as a teen. He wants you to know he's having sex. Otherwise he would be like every other teen and keeping any shenanigans under your roof deathly quiet and evidence of said events well hidden.

Question is why. To disobey a direct request? To try to demonstrate that he's grown up? To deliberately piss you off or goad you? You know him best so you can probably have a better guess at his underlying motives for this. You've told him you don't approve of underage sex but parents not approving of stuff makes no difference. Getting mad seems to be the reaction he wanted. Again, why?

On a side note, saying you don't approve is probably wasted breath. Teens don't care what you approve or disapprove of.

But you have leverage here. Some suggestions:

Ban her from the house- entirely. Until she gives you an address where she lives and her father's phone number she's not coming over. End of. Her father needs to be aware of what's going on otherwise you risk an irate dad on your doorstep and to him it won't matter that your son is also underage. It's his daughter that can get pregnant.

If they deem themselves to be adult enough to have a sexual relationship then they are adult enough to keep it to be discreet, safe and knock off the porno noises. In fact, I'd probably do a detailed, excruciatingly long explanation of sex education to the both of them complete with handouts of pictures of STI infections and props because obviously they don't know as much as they think about sex if they think it's mature to loudly do it in a place that reverberates around the house. He's trying to mortify you, so my tack would be to mortify them right back. For hours. Bonus points for her dad also being there and giving the sex talk together. That should dampen their ardour a bit. But that's me and I would have no shame in eyeballing them both and explaining in detailed terminology all the ins and outs of sex. Pardon the pun.

shesty · 10-02-2020 3:31pm

I actually meant to add I would sit down and do an indepth sex talk too.Up to and including all details on 'how babies are made' (or not made) and how the female body works.

For all their bravado, teenage boys are shockingly clueless about sex other than rudimentary basics on how to do it...beyond that they generally know next to nothing.

GooglePlus · 10-02-2020 3:34pm

Don't make a huge deal out of it, it is only sex after all.

As long as he's respectful and safe, I don't see the issue. Nature has them sexually mature, you'll find it hard stomping out their want for sex.

If they don't do it in your home, they'll find somewhere else.

jlm29 · 10-02-2020 5:59pm

GooglePlus wrote: »

As long as he's respectful and safe..

Did you read the thread at all?

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 10-02-2020 10:09pm

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

She never said she was OK with it and if he wants to do it then off he should go and stop tormenting his poor mother.

Antares35 · 09-03-2020 1:10pm

Geuze wrote: »

Correct.

It is not normal to be having sex at 16.

Indeed, it may be illegal?

Nobody I know had sex at 16-17.

You may see it it on soap operas, etc.

Note that these are children, and as such should be focussed on sport and study, etc.

A male can be prosecuted for engaging with sex with a female aged 15-17 years, however it is a defence for him if he is the same age or less than 2 years older than her or something (scratches head, tries to remember hazy law school days)!

OP I'm in my thirties so kind of straddle the two generations here (yours and your son's) so my opinion might not be "up to date" anymore. But certainly, I would never have had sex under my parents' roof simply because I respected them too much. I think your son needs a kick in the ar*e to be honest.

Xertz · 09-03-2020 1:13pm

It’s more than a boundary issue the age or consent here is 17 and there can be fairly complex and nasty legal consequences if he turns 17 while she is still 16.

chicorytip · 09-03-2020 5:33pm

Edgarfrndly wrote: »

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

No, most do not lose their virginity at that age. Eighteen or nineteen is the average. I am open to correction but the girl in this case is below the age of consent therefore making the boy guilty of statuatory rape. OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your son if the events, as you describe them, actually occurred. I sense an air of untruth about your post however.

Nesta99 · 09-03-2020 7:25pm

My parents were not particularly comfortable with myself or siblings having people stay over at a young age but took a pragmatic view on the matter. No one night stands or essentially strangers staying over. but with 'steady' girlfriends a blind eye was turned. In latter years they said their reasoning was that a more controlled enviornment was safer, advice on contrantraception could be given, knowing the girls parents and whether they were ok with their daughter staying over, no fumbling round in a dark corner in public etc. That said we never rubbed their noses in it by being loud and obvious about what was going on.

It really is so true about not being able to put an old head on young shoulders, I was one of those kids that teachers hate with having ability but not using it. Emotional maturity, while being relative comes in its own gradual time, and so much of parenting to me is trying to help kids navigate life until such time that reasoned rather than impulse decisions can be made - considering the brain isnt finished developing until mid 20's or so makes this a real challange as you cant reason with someone who is incapable of reason.

What I didnt do at 16/17 in terms of application at school, I did make up for at 23 as a 'mature' student. The Leving Cert, eg. is not the be all and end all, certainly not like it used to be. Dont know if any of this helps the OP but all this kind of stuff tends to just evolve imo irrespective of sound parental guidance which is mainly damage limitation at a certain age.

I do like Neyite's suggestion of having a long and detailed real cringe like chat, I will bank that idea as I can think of little worse for a 16 year old me and certainly would have disencouraged me not being more umm subtle in certain behaviour.

One thing I would say is never to make empty threats - if teens claim they are mature enough to behave like adults then give them some adult responsibilities from contributing to household bills to doing their own washing/meals et al. Maybe fewer would have the 'want to grow up yesterday' attitude!

09-03-2020 8:48pm

chicorytip wrote: »

No, most do not lose their virginity at that age. Eighteen or nineteen is the average. I am open to correction but the girl in this case is below the age of consent therefore making the boy guilty of statuatory rape. OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your son if the events, as you describe them, actually occurred. I sense an air of untruth about your post however.

17 is the average from surveys online that I've seen. Going by most of my friends both male and female that would be about correct and we're all in our 40s now.

What source are you finding that's listing 18/19 as the average?

wakka12 · 09-03-2020 8:54pm

Edgarfrndly wrote: »

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

Christ, having sex while your parent who explicitely asked you not to is beyond rude and disrespectful. OP is totally right to be pissed, and then he had the nerve to react angrily to his mother?At the very least he should have been extremely apologetic for being caught. Think he needs a reminder of who is giving him a roof over his head and he should be a tad bit more grateful.

I am only 23, when me and my boyfriend are staying over in somebodys house we have enough respect for them to not have sex while they are in the house, and I didnt feel any differently about that issue when I was a hormonal 16 year old. 16 is almost an adult, this lad needs to grow up and cop on.

chicorytip · 10-03-2020 1:47am

DubInMeath wrote: »

17 is the average from surveys online that I've seen. Going by most of my friends both male and female that would be about correct and we're all in our 40s now.

What source are you finding that's listing 18/19 as the average?

Like yourself, from surveys, reports or studies I have seen or heard about. We are talking about average age for first experience of penetrative sex (intercourse). For some that may occur as young as sixteen or seventeen. This seems more prevalent among those from the lowest socioeconomic strata. For most it would occur in the eighteen to twenty age and for others much older still. Indeed, some remain celibate, by choice, until involved in serious long term relationships well into their twenties or older.

10-03-2020 9:39am

chicorytip wrote: »

Like yourself, from surveys, reports or studies I have seen or heard about. We are talking about average age for first experience of penetrative sex (intercourse). For some that may occur as young as sixteen or seventeen. This seems more prevalent among those from the lowest socioeconomic strata. For most it would occur in the eighteen to twenty age and for others much older still. Indeed, some remain celibate, by choice, until involved in serious long term relationships well into their twenties or older.

None of the surveys or studies I've seen say most are 18 to 20 or remaining celibate, can you provide a link or two.

Dog day · 10-03-2020 2:18pm

wakka12 wrote: »

Christ, having sex while your parent who explicitely asked you not to is beyond rude and disrespectful. At the very least he should have been extremely apologetic for being caught. Think he needs a reminder of who is giving him a roof over his head and he should be a tad bit more
16 is almost an adult, this lad needs to grow up and cop on.

I don’t think anybody would disagree in that it’s distasteful & disrespectful in the extreme but I really think the core issues of consent & safe sex need to be addressed as a matter of urgency first. Then moving on to the wider issues in terms of respecting the rules of his home & substance use issues. I hope the OP can get some support to communicate with her son. I would however respectfully challenge that at 16 someone is nearly an adult, that’s very far from true.

Xterminator · 10-03-2020 3:01pm

I wonder if the op would rather they had sex in an alleyway or a field? Or do you think giving your son an abstinence ring and sending him to mass will protect him from the minefield of young relationships.

If they are having sex, then making sure they observe safe sex and consent protocols would be more important than 'respect my authority'. In my opinion anyway.

Yes children should respect their parents wishes, and OP does have a right to be annoyed. But the priorities are wrong here. Child safety should be top priority.

Nesta99 · 10-03-2020 4:12pm

I'm getting the impression that there are issues that run a bit deeper than the specific issue in the OP. Not knowing the lad it would be a folly to offer an opinion on how to mange things as he is not accepting or respecting boundaries. I dont think chastising a parent who is at a loss on what to do is a help either. You have used child safety which is apt, Is it appropriate for a child to dictate what is considered appropriate behaviour. I dont disagee with what you are saying but if communication isnt good then there isnt much chance of sound advice being heeded imo even if given free reign.

Tiredalways · 15-03-2020 5:54pm

Suckit wrote: »

It's disrespectful for a start, if they didn't even try to keep it quiet.
Similar thing happened here last year. There was words, and a lot mentioned about respect.
Weird that they seem so open about it. We just were often taught it was a sin, but that aside, the idea of going upstairs and having sex while parents were in the house was unthinkable. As natural as it is.
A lot of parents don't seem to mind it these days, which may not be a bad thing ("better than outside behind a skip") - but at what age, and they still need to learn respect.
Forget about your children, if a friend of mine, or my parents, or sibling went upstairs and start going at it loud enough to disturb me while I was downstairs in my own house, I would throw one of them out the window.

Im in my 40s and as a young one,id never would of had sex at home.the shame of being heard or worse caught would be too much! I suppose its good to be open about sex its a natural thing but you dont have to be blatant or disrespectful to your family home.

ShaShaBear · 15-03-2020 10:55pm

From a "poor socioeconomic background", I did not lose my virginity (female) until I was 19 years of age, and at 32 and married with two children (and a third on the way), I still would not dream of having sex in my mother's house. I was raised with a very healthy attitude towards sex - my mother made sure I was aware of all the ins and outs ( :pac: ) as well as all of the risks and she had some strict ground rules in place. No sharing beds and no unauthorised sleepovers. Witnessing how three of my aunts approached the same parenting conundrum with their own kids resulted in utter disaster made me strong in the resolve that my mother had the right of it - I was not afraid of, ashamed of or uneducated about sex. I knew how to protect myself and my partners and matured well as a result.

What the OP has here is a brat of a boy who is taking any and all opportunities to stick the middle finger to his mum. I would wonder if there was a lot of overcompensating for missing dad as a child and he's gotten used to having things his own way. I had a part time job at his age too, but wouldn't dream of buying drink or smokes. I maybe spoke "down" to my mother all of twice and she rightly put me in my place. OP, you need to start doing the same.

Bobtheman · 15-03-2020 10:57pm

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

Really ? And these societies are great examples to follow?
Bottom line he was terribly disrespectful. Don't leave him alone in house. Punish him severally. If he objects tell him he is free to move out or perhaps one of the sympathetic posters here might take him in?
I would ask for advice from an adolescent psychologist.
Yes many kids now are sexually active at a pre adult age which is hardly a positive given the immaturity of the average teen.

JJayoo · 15-03-2020 11:13pm

They are just gonna do it somewhere else

Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

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