Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

18 and unmotivated

Options
2

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    One of his more clued in friends said to us hes only interested in "earning quick handy money"

    He had a decent manual labour job at 13.50 an hour in the sorting depot with a large parcel delivery company but he didnt apply for another 3.month contract because "the work is hardship"

    We have asked him to apply for Dunnes etc but working there wouldn't be cool enough for him

    In that case I think it's time to start upping the pressure here. Nothing apoplectic bit just a few changes to remind him that he's grown up now. You're obligation to house and feed him finished and you've been more than patient letting him enjoy his months since he left school . He needs to be handing up a decent rent, not merely a nominal sum, and he needs to contribute to the running of the house if he wishes to remain. That and as posted above, watching his mates move on and spread their wings could be motivators in getting him moving along in the right direction.


  • Options
    #33
    pjdarcy
    Registered Users Posts: 292 ✭✭pjdarcy


    Do you give him money when he's not working? My first inclination would be to cut him off financially so he'd be forced into looking for work.


  • Options
    #34
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    pjdarcy wrote: »
    Do you give him money when he's not working? My first inclination would be to cut him off financially so he'd be forced into looking for work.

    No. He doesnt get any financial assistance from us directly like that


  • Options
    #35
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    I think you are going the right way OP, and you know, New year, new rules, use the opportunity. Household jobs if he is at home, no financial support, that side of things.Charging some rent if possible-although it doesn't sound like he has an income at all??
    He may become motivated by his pals moving on with their lives but at the same time, that might take a couple of years to sink in.I am assuming you would prefer him not to drift on like this for several years.
    Did he fill out a CAO at all last year?
    Have you sat down and had a conversation with him at all about what he thinks is going to happen over the next few years?And how it is going to happen?


  • Options
    #36
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    shesty wrote: »
    I think you are going the right way OP, and you know, New year, new rules, use the opportunity. Household jobs if he is at home, no financial support, that side of things.Charging some rent if possible-although it doesn't sound like he has an income at all??
    He may become motivated by his pals moving on with their lives but at the same time, that might take a couple of years to sink in.I am assuming you would prefer him not to drift on like this for several years.
    Did he fill out a CAO at all last year?
    Have you sat down and had a conversation with him at all about what he thinks is going to happen over the next few years?And how it is going to happen?

    He wont fill out a CAO because he doesn't want to go to college.

    He doesn't want to get a trade because "they hardly get paid while they're training like" (yes he actually said that)

    I just would like to see some enthusiasm..in something, anything at all at this point!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,001 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Disclaimer - I am not a parent.
    However it sounds like your son has some delusions of grandeur and that other people might have to start at the bottom - but not him, he's too good for that! Dunnes not cool enough, trainees don't get paid enough, etc. That is poppycock by the way, depending on what trade you go into some trainees earn really good money while they are still in training.

    I have a cousin with similar delusions of granduer. He lives at home with his parents, he has never had a full-time job, dropped out of college, told a relative that he would like to have a job 'if it was a good one'. He's 42 years of age with no experience still waiting for someone to knock on his front door with a 'good' job offer for him. Don't let that be you OP.


  • Options
    #38
    jlm29
    Registered Users Posts: 3,818 ✭✭✭jlm29


    What kind of odd jobs does he do for money? Is it something he could build on?
    Honestly it sounds like he needs a bit of direction in the form of a kick up the bum. List of jobs that need to be done, more help around the house, your dinner on the table and fire lighting when ypu come in from work, etc.etc. I’m 36, and if I moved home, my parents would honestly put their feet down and object if I was staying in bed until 1 o clock, and out half the night, unless I was out at work until that time.


  • Options
    #39
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    He wont fill out a CAO because he doesn't want to go to college.

    He doesn't want to get a trade because "they hardly get paid while they're training like" (yes he actually said that)

    I just would like to see some enthusiasm..in something, anything at all at this point!

    Honestly, OP, it really is time to apply some 'negative pressure'. He's had his long post LC break (and honestly I don't really think there's anything all that wrong with that) but he has to wake up to reality, for his own sake, and you've got to 'help' him.


  • Options
    #40
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    He wont fill out a CAO because he doesn't want to go to college.

    He doesn't want to get a trade because "they hardly get paid while they're training like" (yes he actually said that)

    I just would like to see some enthusiasm..in something, anything at all at this point!

    Ok, he needs a dose of reality.
    I wouldn't be waiting for enthusiasm to show there OP, I think I would be heading for an ultimatum of some sort at this stage.Job or college by date X.
    He is old enough to vote, he is old to realise that nobody is put on this earth to keep him (and that includes his parents).
    If he won't get into a trade because they don't get paid,(and I would dispute that, having past experience of the building industry) then he should go off to labour on a building site...few months of that and his tune will change, believe me.
    I can accept to a certain degree that 18 year olds might not know what to do with the rest of their lives but that doesn't mean they get to do nothing at all while they take some indefinite period of time to work it out.


  • Options
    #41
    AndrewJRenko
    Registered Users Posts: 28,389 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    This is the bit that gets under my skin.

    Loves cars..and would love to go to New Zealand.

    But doesnt want to save for either. Hes perplexed that we wont have him as a named driver on our insurance.
    You have some leverage here.



    "Sure, we'll be happy to put you on the insurance, provided that you ....."


    Fill in the blanks yourself.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    Loopylineking
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭Loopylineking


    miamee wrote: »
    Disclaimer - I am not a parent.
    However it sounds like your son has some delusions of grandeur and that other people might have to start at the bottom - but not him, he's too good for that! Dunnes not cool enough, trainees don't get paid enough, etc. That is poppycock by the way, depending on what trade you go into some trainees earn really good money while they are still in training.

    I have a cousin with similar delusions of granduer. He lives at home with his parents, he has never had a full-time job, dropped out of college, told a relative that he would like to have a job 'if it was a good one'. He's 42 years of age with no experience still waiting for someone to knock on his front door with a 'good' job offer for him. Don't let that be you OP.

    Know someone exactly like your describing and is signing on. 36 now and worked maybe six months of his life and that was work experience during college.I bring it up again and again but he says he’s not working minimum wage, he’s better than working minimum wage, thinks he is better than others as he finished college. He has an IT degree which is booming at the minute and endless amount of jobs. No car, still lives at home, On the dole 15 years now, even asks people he hasn’t seen a long time who are working did they go to college.

    I tried to explain work is ****e but you get used to it and get into a routine after a few months but no, he’s not starting from the bottom.

    He just wants stuff handed to him and thinks work is beneath him.

    OP I’d nip this in the bud as soon as possible to be honest, make his own dinner, wash his own clothes etc and encourage him to get a job.


  • Options
    #43
    John Hutton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,301 ✭✭✭John Hutton


    18 year old who is only interested in earning quick easy money?

    Literally the only way he can do this is by selling drugs.


  • Options
    #44
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,461 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    He wont fill out a CAO because he doesn't want to go to college.

    He doesn't want to get a trade because "they hardly get paid while they're training like" (yes he actually said that)

    I just would like to see some enthusiasm..in something, anything at all at this point!

    Just thinking, OP, it might be a bit of nervousness/ uncertainty e.g. if going to college means moving out of home. Might be a bit of bravado, covering up by saying he doesn't want to go, doesn't want to get a trade etc.
    I suppose, after being in school so long, and the certainty of it, (whether he liked it, or whether he didn't) he might just be struggling a bit to make the leap.
    I would still encourage him to apply for courses, and maybe come September/ October, he might well feel a lot more ready. Get him to research apprenticeships also.

    I agree too with telling him he needs to pull his weight and contribute, at home, in the meantime.
    All the best.


  • Options
    #45
    jlm29
    Registered Users Posts: 3,818 ✭✭✭jlm29


    CAO deadline is probably Saturday? I would actually insist He fills in one just so he has the option of a change of mind form for the next while, rather than it automatically being a case of “Oh I missed the deadline, i must lie in bed for another year”


  • Options
    #46
    farmchoice
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭farmchoice


    jlm29 wrote: »
    CAO deadline is probably Saturday? I would actually insist He fills in one just so he has the option of a change of mind form for the next while, rather than it automatically being a case of “Oh I missed the deadline, i must lie in bed for another year”
    absolutely, if you are not planning on going to college then in this life you have 2 choices,A. get an apprenticeship (an extremely good option for those who dont want a academic course) or B. get a job and start working, if you then wish to progress in that job or any other one thats your own business but you will have to cut your cloth to your measure after that.


    an 18 year old with no qualifications and no training is above nothing, he is literally at the bottom of ladder, a 18 year old with 6 months experience on the trollies in Tesco is a better prospect for any employer in any job anywhere.

    this young lad needs a dose of reality. it would be one thing if he was trying to find himself and struggling to decide what he was going to do but he would need some sort of working idea.
    at his age i was very similar but at least i put up the bullsh1t pretense of applying for courses and looking into things. i was a bit lazy and a bit scared of moving on but i understood enough about the world to know at the very least i had to put a bit of effort into at least codding my parents that i was interested in a productive future.

    from the way you are talking OP he is effectively giving you the 2 fingers, he is laughing at you.
    can i ask what kind of leaving cert he got?


  • Options
    #47
    Naggdefy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,981 ✭✭✭Naggdefy


    Have you other children and are they good workers/motivated be it school, college, sports or work?

    Has he always been unmotivated, not conscientious about whatever task he's assigned?

    Possibly he's the 'lazy' one in the family. Can be difficult to know how to get the best out of them. Was he ill as a child? Treated differently than other siblings? Maybe a little pampered when younger?

    P.s. Re reading your op I see he's the eldest.


  • Options
    #48
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    farmchoice wrote: »
    from the way you are talking OP he is effectively giving you the 2 fingers, he is laughing at you.
    can i ask what kind of leaving cert he got?

    A very basic one. No worse than my own. But when I was 30 months older than he is now I was in the bank getting a loan to buy a site to build a house having already bought a car and paid insurance on it and managed to fit 2 years of college in there aswell


  • Options
    #49
    wildlifeboy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,170 ✭✭✭wildlifeboy


    why is everyone saying he's depressed, can you not remember being 18, he is acting completely normal imo.


  • Options
    #50
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    This is really about motivation. How do you get someone motivated when the carrot or stick does not work and there are no other underlying issues.


  • Options
    #51
    Naggdefy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,981 ✭✭✭Naggdefy


    wildlifeboy wrote: »
    why is everyone saying he's depressed, can you not remember being 18, he is acting completely normal imo.

    I might have been a bit like that at 13/14 but by 18 you'd have grown out of that.

    100 odd years ago the majority of soldiers (volunteers for the most part) in WW1 were around that age.

    Same with our Independence War.

    Funny how enthusiastic that age group was compared to today. Society has changed so much I suppose.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Naggdefy wrote: »
    I might have been a bit like that at 13/14 but by 18 you'd have grown out of that.
    You'd be the exception then in my experience. There are very few "go-getters" in the under-23 cohort on a weekend morning. Unless they're young parents you won't hear from them before lunchtime. Without a job to go to, most days are just another Saturday.

    The only time I was unemployed was for about a month when I was 21. I stayed in bed till 12 and stayed up till 2/3am. Because I could.


  • Options
    #53
    Naggdefy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,981 ✭✭✭Naggdefy


    seamus wrote: »
    You'd be the exception then in my experience. There are very few "go-getters" in the under-23 cohort on a weekend morning. Unless they're young parents you won't hear from them before lunchtime. Without a job to go to, most days are just another Saturday.

    The only time I was unemployed was for about a month when I was 21. I stayed in bed till 12 and stayed up till 2/3am. Because I could.

    I suppose there was no choice in my house either. We got up early and worked, it was expected, tough love but wouldn't have it any other way :)

    We were loved and I had great parents.


  • Options
    #54
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Naggdefy wrote: »
    I suppose there was no choice in my house either. We got up early and worked, it was expected, tough love but wouldn't have it any other way :)....

    You may not have realized it but that was only possible because you co-operated.
    Regardless of how reluctantly.


  • Options
    #55
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    seamus wrote: »
    You'd be the exception then in my experience. There are very few "go-getters" in the under-23 cohort on a weekend morning. Unless they're young parents you won't hear from them before lunchtime. Without a job to go to, most days are just another Saturday.

    The only time I was unemployed was for about a month when I was 21. I stayed in bed till 12 and stayed up till 2/3am. Because I could.

    There is a difference being mostly unmotivated, and being unmotivated about everything.


  • Options
    #56
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Naggdefy wrote: »
    I suppose there was no choice in my house either. We got up early and worked, it was expected, tough love but wouldn't have it any other way :)

    We were loved and I had great parents.

    My motivation was always not by how much my mother shouted, but how little my father shouted. Pretty much driven to not disappoint him, make him proud of me.

    I'm a grown man now and probably still the same.


  • Options
    #57
    Naggdefy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,981 ✭✭✭Naggdefy


    beauf wrote: »
    You may not have realized it but that was only possible because you co-operated.
    Regardless of how reluctantly.

    We weren't reluctant though. We enjoyed it. We felt proud to do our work well and make our parents proud too. We had our own cattle etc. Myself and my brother loved outdoor work, the tougher the better.


  • Options
    #58
    Naggdefy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,981 ✭✭✭Naggdefy


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    My motivation was always not by how much my mother shouted, but how little my father shouted. Pretty much driven to not disappoint him, make him proud of me.

    I'm a grown man now and probably still the same.

    Agreed.

    We were actually never shouted at. An example was given and you followed.


  • Options
    #59
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    I think its hard to understand someone being unmotivated, if you've never suffered with it, or had to deal with someone suffering from it.


  • Options
    #60
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    I think some of the answers are a little harsh. Not everyone has figured out what they want to do with their lives by the age of 18, nor is everyone is motivated by money, or even the prospect of earning money. Some people are only motivated by what sparks an interest in them, whether that is cars, or something else.

    I'd go back to the issue of putting him on the car insurance. I'd put him on it with the strict condition that he has to pay for his own insurance, and if he is not passed his test yet, it might motivate him to do so as in the interim he'll only be able to drive with a fully insured driver. if he defaults on paying it, tell him you will let his part lapse.

    Driving is something he does want to do, so give him a chance. Which could then lead to him wanting to move to the next stage and buy his own car.... and so it goes ....


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #61
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,461 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    By chance I saw somewhere that the ESB is recruiting apprentices nationwide shortly, OP.
    I have nothing to do with them, but I believe they are a good employer.

    https://www.esbnetworks.ie/careers/apprenticeships


Advertisement