18 and unmotivated

When he's not working odd jobs or sleeping, how is he spending his time? Has he kept in contact with his school mates?

Leave him at it for now. If he's out all night, he's obviously earning himself enough for now to keep going.

Just don't enable him (don't give/lend him money for large purchases) and give him some space. His mates will all start college and start doing interesting things (like going on a holiday) and he'll start thinking about what he wants to do.

I don't feel that a "year out" is a bad thing at 18. They've spent so long as kids in the school system. Suddenly they're an adult and free and we expect them to throw themselves back into another system. Lots of people (including myself) could have used some time to decompress and think about the future rather than jumping straight into getting a job or going to college.

Has he alwys had a lack of interest in anything or did something trigger this? Sounds very chilled out and knows what he wants to do or in this case what he doesn't want to do. Would he mi well with a group of peers or others who he's meting for the first time.

On depression, you say he stays out late and sleeps until 1? Are you certain he mixes with schoolmates? Does he stay indoors mostly during daylight hours and head out during darkness? Sounds a strange question but even a mild form of depression could lead someone to behave like that thinking they might avoid people that recognise them and having to interact with him. They feel comfortable with their mates. Might have a fear of college or work where they'd have to mix with a bigger circle of people they don't know.

AckwelFoley wrote: »

This is the bit that gets under my skin.

Loves cars..and would love to go to New Zealand.

But doesnt want to save for either. Hes perplexed that we wont have him as a named driver on our insurance.

That will happen when hell freezes over. Owning and running a car is the first thing a young adult has to do. It teaches them a bit of responsibility. I paid 3k pounds for the car and 3k per year for the j insurance while earning about 250 quid a week. It's part of the learning curve.

He doesnt seem motivated enough even by the things he wants

ah well, if thats the case, leave him sit there, i would keep trying to motivate him to achieve his goals though

I had a bit of a slump like this when I was 21. My family couldn't understand it. I dropped out of college and worked part time in a shop. I had no motivation to do anything else.

The truth was that I was actually depressed and didn't even know it. I didn't understand that I could be dealing with something like that, because I didn't feel sad all the time (I'm not sure mental health was as well understood even just a decade ago). I just had no motivation, struggled to concentrate for extended periods, had no ambition and I stopped dreaming about anything (bar daydreams) because it all seemed impossibly unattainable. I'd been through a couple of things in the year leading up to it and my self esteem was at zero, even though I knew I was clever and could have a lot going for me. I was just too exhausted all the time.

I wish I could offer advice but I'm not sure what you should do in this situation. Could you mention to your son that he seems a bit low energy and ask him to chat to a doctor? Just in case.

Izaiah Scary Balloonist wrote: »

When I was younger any time I was at home ‘lazing about’ , I was given a job to do- clean windows, make dinner, paint fences, clean the garage, pull weeds etc... it did motivate me to get s part time job that was easier and at least I got paid. It made me realize that I did not want to do manual labor for the rest of my life also. However, I did learn important skills too.
Can you talk to him about this - here’s a list of jobs that need to be done , as you aren’t contributing financially to the house you need to be doing some of them.

I agree with this. Although he is your child, he needs to realise he is an adult and should be contributing to the household in some way. My parents weren't overly strict but I certainly wouldn't have been allowed do nothing at home all day every day with no plan for the future.

AckwelFoley wrote: »

His lack of interest in anything is distressing say the least. We have at this stage said all that can be said to him, we dont feel kicking him out is a good idea as at least this way we can keep an eye on him.

But hes in bed until at least 1 in the day and never home before 2 or 3 am

He's an 18 year old man he's not going to listen to his parent telling him softly softly "maybe you should think about the future" (jobs and paying rent) while you roll out the home comforts for him.

He clearly has it so good he's not even bothered to go on the dole.

You're saying you're distressed? How distressed are you? Do you want him out in a job and his own place in the next couple of months? Or are you happy enough to leave this meander for the next year or 18 months?
That will determine your approach.

If he's out regularly until 2 or 3 in the morning with no steady income you're clearly propping up his lifestyle. Again, each to their own but if you want him in a job in the not to distant future you need to cut the apron strings.

He funds his own social life and don't give him money for "odd jobs" around the house. They're part of him paying for his bed and board.

Deleted User wrote: »

From his perspective he is living the life of riley. Get up when he wants, stay out late with his friends. Nice family home comforts, food washing, heat etc.

I wouldn't be too co concerned about that. You just need to get him to have a plan for the future because he is not going to be living that holiday care free existence indefinitely under your roof.

I'd be inclined to go with this first. A family member also took a year off at that age, did nothing and after the year was up, headed to college and never looked back.