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Living together

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    #92
    afkasurfjunkie
    Registered Users Posts: 771 ✭✭✭afkasurfjunkie


    Are ye planning to have kids in the future? I feel like I can picture this thread in 5 years time. House finished but not paid for. Both of you unhappy. Husband giving out because there’s no action in the bedroom and you swamped with work, house and babies. I don’t think you’ve once said that you’re deeply in love with your other half. I don’t get a sense of that spark of excitement when you are both planning a life together. It seems like you are both settling. Reads like something from the 1950’s if I’m being honest.


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    #93
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    They’d never take money for utility bills etc none of my siblings did so forget that. They wanted me to save. I’ll offer to milk the cows and see what they say - oh wait that’s not my job, I have a degree so I’ll use that which is what they want.

    No not at all embarrassed by any of it. I suppose that’s where my laziness comes in, I never really have to do much. Can’t change the past now anyways. I can only live in hope that I’ll be good at managing a house myself.

    That's my point, OP A lot of patents are happy to support their adult children and don't expect anything in return. Most adult children are deeply uncomfortable with that and insist on giving or doing something even as a token. It's about self respect! If they are refusing all help you have to get some self respect. Having a degree does not preclude you from milking cows, grocery shopping, cleaning a toilet, paying a bill. If your parents aren't slowing you to express your ability to take care of yourselfyourself and contribute to your own upkeep they do not have your best interests at heart. Your comment about having a degree is laughable. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own sctions. . You sound like an entitled teenager!


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    #94
    Carson10
    Registered Users Posts: 556 ✭✭✭Carson10


    Teach30 wrote: »
    That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

    I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

    I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

    Best of luck OP. Hope everything goes your way and I'm sure it will after a few months and you adjust to your new life.

    Have you always wanted to get married and live this life? Maybe you are feeling nostalgic about coming to the end of your current situation, that you may not have as much freedom, and you wont be living at home where you have always felt, comfortable, safe and secure. You may feel that the moment you get married, a switch will flick and you will be expected to turn into the perfect and composed wife and your old life will be gone.

    Its normal to question things at this time.


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    #95
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    That's my point, OP A lot of patents are happy to support their adult children and don't expect anything in return. Most adult children are deeply uncomfortable with that and insist on giving or doing something even as a token. It's about self respect! If they are refusing all help you have to get some self respect. Having a degree does not preclude you from milking cows, grocery shopping, cleaning a toilet, paying a bill. If your parents aren't slowing you to express your ability to take care of yourselfyourself and contribute to your own upkeep they do not have your best interests at heart. Your comment about having a degree is laughable. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own sctions. . You sound like an entitled teenager!

    Most, but not all would be. I received an education so yes it does preclude me from milking cows, I have nothing to do with that. Just in case I’d feel the entitlement to inherit a farm.

    As for the rest I’m not great at it but I’ll have to learn. Yes I’m very entitled but that’s been bred into me. The rest of us are like that too.

    It’s hard having no mine to talk to, I’ve been mocked by my mother for expressing how I feel. Been told to get over myself isn’t everyone in the same boat when they get married etc.

    It great being at work as I avoid thinking about all this but I’ve too much time lately.


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    #96
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Teach30 wrote: »
    I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged, it’s not, it’s the norm for a lot of country people I know. Yes I’m being provided for financially but that would be only right considering the gain my siblings are getting also. They’re getting far more than I am. If I stayed at home I’d get more out of it financially but I’m not.

    I’d no one else to talk to so I posted here. I didn’t realise people wouldn’t relate.
    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.


    So you're in it for the money, which has to be on your parents terms? That's a terribly sad way to live for an adult. You say that you could live on your own but you'd lose out on your inheritance. That presumably means that you've been told if you move out you won't get a penny. And the post above that smacks of entitlement, that you think you should be entitled to money from your parents. You're an adult, you're not entitled to anything. Your parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it does sound like they have you over a barrel, if you want the lifestyle you are so accustomed to: spending money on designer gear most people can't afford, then you will live under their roof and do as they say. I'd hate to have so little self respect for myself. It seems like a massive compromise for an adult to make to live by their parents rules so they can spend money on designer shoes and handbags.


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    #97
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Teach30 wrote: »
    It’s hard having no mine to talk to, I’ve been mocked by my mother for expressing how I feel. Been told to get over myself isn’t everyone in the same boat when they get married etc.

    It great being at work as I avoid thinking about all this but I’ve too much time lately.

    I feel genuinely sorry for you OP, you have been really spoiled in many ways by your upbringing, but also conditioned to accept that you can only live in a certain way (inherit a farm or run a household, whether it's for a husband or for elderly parents) and have to accept what your family accepted for themselves. From one straitjacket to another, otherwise you lose your sense of direction and are helpless. You are finding solace and illusion of control in valuable objects or idiosyncrasies such as how to cut up fruit the right way. There is no life or spark in your description of your fiance or your life together; you're going to be like your mother, only with more load because of work. You will leave your life behind and in return you won't have anyone to open your mouth to until 9PM when he comes back knackered. You will be able to wash the pans and cut up your fruit the way you like it. I am not mocking you in case the tone does not come out right, I feel it's very sad that you accept it all as is.


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    #98
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Strandoad has nailed it, OP. Read their post over and over again. You have never really been your own woman, and if things continue as is, you never will be. And you will not be OK with that. Nobody can be. Eventually, something's gotta give.


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    #99
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    So you're in it for the money, which has to be on your parents terms? That's a terribly sad way to live for an adult. You say that you could live on your own but you'd lose out on your inheritance. That presumably means that you've been told if you move out you won't get a penny. And the post above that smacks of entitlement, that you think you should be entitled to money from your parents. You're an adult, you're not entitled to anything. Your parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it does sound like they have you over a barrel, if you want the lifestyle you are so accustomed to: spending money on designer gear most people can't afford, then you will live under their roof and do as they say. I'd hate to have so little self respect for myself. It seems like a massive compromise for an adult to make to live by their parents rules so they can spend money on designer shoes and handbags.

    But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? I work hard enough and shopping is a hobby, just the same as going out at the weekends or going on a few holidays a year would be for others.

    If I move out and live in my own I’d lose out on a house worth a fair bit so I dont see the point in losing out not at my age. I’d obviously get something but not as much. Also do you not think it’d be fairly ignorant to just move out and live on my own leave them after all they’ve done for me? Just my take on it.


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    #100
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    strandroad wrote: »
    I feel genuinely sorry for you OP, you have been really spoiled in many ways by your upbringing, but also conditioned to accept that you can only live in a certain way (inherit a farm or run a household, whether it's for a husband or for elderly parents) and have to accept what your family accepted for themselves. From one straitjacket to another, otherwise you lose your sense of direction and are helpless. You are finding solace and illusion of control in valuable objects or idiosyncrasies such as how to cut up fruit the right way. There is no life or spark in your description of your fiance or your life together; you're going to be like your mother, only with more load because of work. You will leave your life behind and in return you won't have anyone to open your mouth to until 9PM when he comes back knackered. You will be able to wash the pans and cut up your fruit the way you like it. I am not mocking you in case the tone does not come out right, I feel it's very sad that you accept it all as is.

    Right so what would you call a better lifestyle, I’m genuinely interested to know.

    I’ve obviously only been exposed to one particular lifestyle so I’m curious as to what else there is.


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    #101
    lozenges
    Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    Teach30 wrote: »
    But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? I work hard enough and shopping is a hobbit, just the same as going out or going on a few holidays a year would be for others.

    If I move out and live in my own I’d lose out on a house worth a fair bit so I dont see the point in losing out not at my age. I’d obviously get something but not as much. Also do you not think it’d be fairly ignorant to just move out and live on my own leave them after all they’ve done for me? Just my take on it.

    I think parents who have a healthy relationship with their children and want the best for them want them to be independent and carve their own path in life.

    You can live in a different house to someone, it doesn't mean you're abandoning them or forgetting about them, or can't have a good relationship with them.


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    #102
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    lozenges wrote: »
    I think parents who have a healthy relationship with their children and want the best for them want them to be independent and carve their own path in life.

    You can live in a different house to someone, it doesn't mean you're abandoning them or forgetting about them, or can't have a good relationship with them.

    That’s not how I would view it. Id definitely think badly of someone who was single, living with elderly parents and who wouldn’t look after them particularly when they had been given a lot growing up.

    That would be an important value to me.


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    #103
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? I work hard enough and shopping is a hobby, just the same as going out at the weekends or going on a few holidays a year would be for others.

    If I move out and live in my own I’d lose out on a house worth a fair bit so I dont see the point in losing out not at my age. I’d obviously get something but not as much. Also do you not think it’d be fairly ignorant to just move out and live on my own leave them after all they’ve done for me? Just my take on it.

    A grown adult with a great education and a job living a completely parasitic lifestyle on her parents has no self respect. None. And what you have described is completely parasitic.


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    #104
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Been told to get over myself isn’t everyone in the same boat when they get married etc.

    No, that's not what a normal marriage is like


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    #105
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    That’s not how I would view it. Id definitely think badly of someone who was single, living with elderly parents and who wouldn’t look after them particularly when they had been given a lot growing up.

    That would be an important value to me.

    But you're not looking after them, they are looking after you!


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    #106
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    No, that's not what a normal marriage is like

    Really? What is normal so? What should I look For? genuinely interested to hear what you think a normal marriage is, I’ve only been exposed to a certain type.


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    #107
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    A grown adult with a great education and a job living a completely parasitic lifestyle on her parents has no self respect. None. And what you have described is completely parasitic.

    Ah go way really? Well if you think I’m bad there’s four more of me in the family acting the same way.
    I’m willing to after them as they age, that’s hardly parasitic.


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    #108
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,687 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Teach30 wrote: »
    But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? .

    Have you sat down with your fiance and worked out how much each of you will contribute each month to the costs of running the house?

    This will impact on your "own" money as will having kids and needing to pay for childcare

    Now it depends on what you mean by designer handbags and shoes but if you are spending 500+ euro a month on this sort of stuff, and dont earn a very large salary, I'd imagine you need to rethink how you will live


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    #109
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    OP, you just don't sound happy. You sound like you are plodding along, just flowing into whatever comes next. You don't HAVE to get married or stay living with your parents. You should be genuinely excited to be moving into a different stage of your life with a partner. It really does sound like you are replacing his mother for him, and you are becoming your own mother, where you will just tend to your man and in return he will "keep" you. Life can be fun and exciting with the right partner. You share things and live on a path to a future you both want, not just existing in a world that is familiar to you. Do you not have any hopes or dreams for yourself? Separate to your family or fiance. What would you like your future to be? What would make you happy?


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    #110
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Ah go way really? Well if you think I’m bad there’s four more of me in the family acting the same way.
    I’m willing to after them as they age, that’s hardly parasitic.

    Yes, really.


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    #111
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Loveinapril wrote: »
    OP, you just don't sound happy. You sound like you are plodding along, just flowing into whatever comes next. You don't HAVE to get married or stay living with your parents. You should be genuinely excited to be moving into a different stage of your life with a partner. It really does sound like you are replacing his mother for him, and you are becoming your own mother, where you will just tend to your man and in return he will "keep" you. Life can be fun and exciting with the right partner. You share things and live on a path to a future you both want, not just existing in a world that is familiar to you. Do you not have any hopes or dreams for yourself? Separate to your family or fiance. What would you like your future to be? What would make you happy?

    Dreams- Marriage, living with fiancé , A nice house, living comfortably, buying nice things. That’s about it. Kids I don’t know, I’m not bothered. I enjoy my job don’t want to progress in that as it’s handy and I’m not bother about meeting people for coffee, going on holidays etc.

    I am excited I was just nervous about dealing with the additional workload.


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    #112
    lozenges
    Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Ah go way really? Well if you think I’m bad there’s four more of me in the family acting the same way.
    I’m willing to after them as they age, that’s hardly parasitic.

    You don't sound like you have much affection for your parents. It also doesn't sound like you are doing much to help them or that they need much care at present so my previous comment about parents wanting to see their children carve their own path stands. Obviously for parents that need help at home/family carers that's different.

    A question for you. What are the qualities about your husband that you find most attractive? What is it about him that make you want to marry him and not, say some other fella down the road?


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    #113
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Really? What is normal so? What should I look For? genuinely interested to hear what you think a normal marriage is, I’ve only been exposed to a certain type.

    “Normal” can look many ways, but for a happy marriage, I think you have to really like the person you’re married to. We’re only one couple but, for example, while my husband and I have lots of differences and we argue about things like everyone, I’m bloody mad about him and he’s my favorite person in the world, and I’m his. Being married never feels like a chore, or something I had to do. We share things equally - the good and the bad. We both work, we both do house work, we share the load. I chose to marry him because I wanted to spend my life with him, not because of what he brought to the table. In other words, I married for love, which was what got us through some really hard times when we could barely afford to pay our rent, or had mental health struggles, or myriad other issues.

    If your fiancé didn’t have two pennies to rub together, would you still want to marry him? Can you count on him to support you emotionally? If you could choose to spend the majority of your time with anyone, would he be the person you’d choose? Does he make you laugh? Does he do nice things for you? Do you get excited when you see him? Do you feel lust or passion towards him?

    To me, those are some of the things that might make up a “normal” relationship. If you’re both there for what the other can offer, then it’s a business arrangement, IMO.


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    #114
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    What did you mean when you said if you will lose out on your inheritance? And lose money you have put into a house?


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    #115
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Faith wrote: »
    “Normal” can look many ways, but for a happy marriage, I think you have to really like the person you’re married to. We’re only one couple but, for example, while my husband and I have lots of differences and we argue about things like everyone, I’m bloody mad about him and he’s my favorite person in the world, and I’m his. Being married never feels like a chore, or something I had to do. We share things equally - the good and the bad. We both work, we both do house work, we share the load. I chose to marry him because I wanted to spend my life with him, not because of what he brought to the table. In other words, I married for love, which was what got us through some really hard times when we could barely afford to pay our rent, or had mental health struggles, or myriad other issues.

    If your fiancé didn’t have two pennies to rub together, would you still want to marry him? Can you count on him to support you emotionally? If you could choose to spend the majority of your time with anyone, would he be the person you’d choose? Does he make you laugh? Does he do nice things for you? Do you get excited when you see him? Do you feel lust or passion towards him?

    To me, those are some of the things that might make up a “normal” relationship. If you’re both there for what the other can offer, then it’s a business arrangement, IMO.


    Thanks that’s great and Yes I’d safely say he offers all those things, as do I.

    I would say though that love or money I require both. He’s hardworking and earns a good living. He has other options to fall back on too. I can honestly say if he had no work, and no savings I wouldn’t marry him. Equally I would ever expect anyone to go out with me if I had no career, money etc.


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    #116
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    lozenges wrote: »
    You don't sound like you have much affection for your parents. It also doesn't sound like you are doing much to help them or that they need much care at present so my previous comment about parents wanting to see their children carve their own path stands. Obviously for parents that need help at home/family carers that's different.

    A question for you. What are the qualities about your husband that you find most attractive? What is it about him that make you want to marry him and not, say some other fella down the road?

    I’m not a particularly emotional person. He’s hardworking, kind, genuine, positive, good to be around etc.


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    #117
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 2,293 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    I think ultimately in a few years time, you will regret marrying this man. But you will stay in the marriage because you wouldn’t dare bring the ‘shame’ of a marriage break up on your parents.

    Listen to what people here are saying.


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    #118
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Really? What is normal so? What should I look For? genuinely interested to hear what you think a normal marriage is, I’ve only been exposed to a certain type.


    Normal is marrying your best friend, the person you can't imagine being without. It's not getting married to get away from your parents. It's not speaking about your marriage as if it's the least worst option.

    I think you should live with him before you marry him. I know you said earlier you won't because you want to respect your family but that's a very old fashioned view that doesn't really work in today's world. You need to put yourself first. How long have you and your fiance been together? Have you had any time alone, if you both live with your folks have you even managed to have sex yet?


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    #119
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Normal is marrying your best friend, the person you can't imagine being without. It's not getting married to get away from your parents. It's not speaking about your marriage as if it's the least worst option.

    I think you should live with him before you marry him. I know you said earlier you won't because you want to respect your family but that's a very old fashioned view that doesn't really work in today's world. You need to put yourself first. How long have you and your fiance been together? Have you had any time alone, if you both live with your folks have you even managed to have sex yet?

    We’re together long enough that he wanted to marry me. I’ve been in plenty of relationships as has he.

    Also you have repeatedly asked if we have been intimate, I don’t see how that has any relevance to my original question of coping hence I will not be answering.

    I wouldn’t be marrying him if it wasn’t the right thing for me.


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    #120
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Teach30 wrote: »
    That’s not how I would view it. Id definitely think badly of someone who was single, living with elderly parents and who wouldn’t look after them particularly when they had been given a lot growing up.

    That would be an important value to me.

    You don't have to live with your parents to be able to look after them. And you've admitted that you'll get a bigger chunk of inheritance if you stay and that's a motivating factor. Not much pride or self respect in that.


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    #121
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    We’re together long enough that he wanted to marry me. I’ve been in plenty of relationships as has he.

    Also you have repeatedly asked if we have been intimate, I don’t see how that has any relevance to my original question of coping hence I will not be answering.

    I wouldn’t be marrying him if it wasn’t the right thing for me.

    You've been in plenty of relationships - so why is this the man you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with as opposed to any of the others.

    The reason I ask is it nearly seems mechanical. There no talk of love, passionate, excitement, compatibility, attraction etc. You describe him generically.

    The only reasons you have provide for getting married are as follows:-

    1. The house/inheritance
    2. Better than living alone/with parents/others
    3. He's the right person for you - no reasons why
    4. He proposed

    You don't have to answer the intimacy question but it's a strange one to swerve all the same.


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