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Living together

245

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Teach30 wrote: »
    That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

    I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

    I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

    I come from a rural background so I know all the hours that go into farming. You fear the unknown but to be honest, if you break it down into bite sizes it will be fine.

    With online banking and all that now, I pay the rent and utilities on my phone with the other eye on Netflix. There's not a lot of time involved there. Phonecalls I do on the commute to work or back. We have a joint account that we put in an agreed amount each and all our bills and house stuff comes out of that. Add up what your outgoings are likely to be, divide it up whatever way is fair for you both - I'd suggest a ratio or % of your current earnings because if/when you are on statutory maternity pay or decide to go part time, your share will remain in proportion to your reduced income.

    Some couples are very structured. Myself and OH aren't. Anything that comes into our house belongs to both, regardlenss of who's account it's in. We discuss what we need to buy or budget for and whoever has the money at the time coughs up - but that only works because we both have similar spending norms, and neither of us are tight with money.

    Cleaning - either get into a routine where you whizz around for an hour a day doing the bits and pieces or just get a cleaner in for a few hours. It sounds like you are going into a traditional set up of being the housewife - well, housewives got the time during the day to do their house. You don't if you work so either you opt to go part time or just get a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big stuff like floors or bathrooms.

    Food shop - get an app. Plan our your meals for the week, add the things you need to the app list and get either on your way home one evening or I tend to go in on a Saturday afternoon, I plug in my headphones and it's actually very relaxing -for me anyway, it could be someone else's idea of hell. You could also get an app for a supermarket, add what you need when you need it and get it all delivered.

    Cooking - nobody is an instant cook. We all had to learn. For now, pick a new recipe or get one from your own mother to try once a month. Each month pick something new and in a year you'll have a range of meals you can do and be confident doing quickly when you get home. Things like slow cookers help as well. Or batch cooking in bulk once a month and freezing loads of lasange/ shepherds pies etc. You'll get the hang of it.

    Finally, I know he will work long hours 7 days a week, but that doesn't mean you should be picking his pants off the floor where he dropped them, he can put things in the laundry, his lunch plates in the dishwasher, take his wellies off outside so as not to muck the floor you've just washed and not make MORE work for you. Wife does not equal slave. Nothing will kill a loving relationship more than someone who expects you do clean up in their wake so a bit of respect from a partner is essential if you carry the overall responsibility of cleaning. You'll find your feet. It might take a few months to figure out what works for you but you'll get there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 370 ✭✭Stepping Stone


    What I am going to say may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it to be.

    You’ve had a few threads about this issue before, about leaving home, being lonely and isolated and never being part of the family unit again. I feel really sorry for you in a way. You’re living a charmed life in a bubble but your family have never prepared you for real life. It’s hard leaving home but for most of us, it’s gradual. We gradually gain knowledge and skills. In a way, not having to save and budget for your wedding and home has done you no favours.

    In your position, I would start to help your mother around the house. Learn skills, ask questions. Help. Her making meals and definitely clean up after.

    As for things like laundry, you just need a routine. You’re getting brand new appliances. Load your machine in the morning and set a delay timer. Clothes washed when you get home. Get your husband to wash his work clothes immediately. It’s easy to tackle the small stuff, honestly. One bite at a time.

    I think that the budget is going to be a big issue. Start by setting up an account for bills, etc. Transfer money for anything like that into it monthly or weekly. Work on your cooking and figure out what you can cook in batches. Big curry, pasta, stew, shop, cook, portion and freeze if necessary.

    You can do the practical stuff, but what I am worried about is the emotional stuff. You’re obviously so sad to be leaving everything that you’ve ever known and that’s perfectly normal. I am almost 40 and love nothing more than being at home with my parents for a weekend, slipping back into the role of the child. I would love to be able to stay there for longer but unfortunately life isn’t that way and I have to go back to being an adult.

    There’s nobody for you to talk to. You really need to talk to someone. I would really recommend that you talk to a counsellor. Honestly, my heart has broken for you when you have previously posted.

    If you’re delaying your wedding, please go to see someone. Practical skills will come, but the emotional loads is huge. I know that it’s going to be very hard to just move away from your family and I think that you need a lot of help. Obviously nobody is going to talk to you in your circle so please find someone!


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    There are lots of good posts on this thread, and I particularly agree with Stepping Stone. It’s quite clear that all your advantages in life have really disadvantaged you in many ways, and that’s sad.

    One thing it made me think about is children. If you plan to have kids, how do you want to raise them? Do you want them to have everything handed to them, as you did, only to reach adulthood and have all of these issues you’re facing? Or do you want them to grow up like most of the rest of us do, learning from a young age how to pull their weight and be independent? That’s something to decide with your future husband, and will heavily shape both of your roles in your home.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Living with someone for the first time is a huge learning curve. It took me the best part of a year to adjust and that was with a partner who worked reasonable hours and did half the donkey work. It sounds like you're heading for a lonely life with little down time. You can learn all the practical skills you need but it's the emotional side and potential loneliness I'd be concerned about. Would you not think you should live together for some time to get a taste of how married life will be.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    What I am going to say may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it to be.

    You’ve had a few threads about this issue before, about leaving home, being lonely and isolated and never being part of the family unit again. I feel really sorry for you in a way. You’re living a charmed life in a bubble but your family have never prepared you for real life. It’s hard leaving home but for most of us, it’s gradual. We gradually gain knowledge and skills. In a way, not having to save and budget for your wedding and home has done you no favours.

    In your position, I would start to help your mother around the house. Learn skills, ask questions. Help. Her making meals and definitely clean up after.

    As for things like laundry, you just need a routine. You’re getting brand new appliances. Load your machine in the morning and set a delay timer. Clothes washed when you get home. Get your husband to wash his work clothes immediately. It’s easy to tackle the small stuff, honestly. One bite at a time.

    I think that the budget is going to be a big issue. Start by setting up an account for bills, etc. Transfer money for anything like that into it monthly or weekly. Work on your cooking and figure out what you can cook in batches. Big curry, pasta, stew, shop, cook, portion and freeze if necessary.

    You can do the practical stuff, but what I am worried about is the emotional stuff. You’re obviously so sad to be leaving everything that you’ve ever known and that’s perfectly normal. I am almost 40 and love nothing more than being at home with my parents for a weekend, slipping back into the role of the child. I would love to be able to stay there for longer but unfortunately life isn’t that way and I have to go back to being an adult.

    There’s nobody for you to talk to. You really need to talk to someone. I would really recommend that you talk to a counsellor. Honestly, my heart has broken for you when you have previously posted.

    If you’re delaying your wedding, please go to see someone. Practical skills will come, but the emotional loads is huge. I know that it’s going to be very hard to just move away from your family and I think that you need a lot of help. Obviously nobody is going to talk to you in your circle so please find someone!


    Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

    As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

    God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
    I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

    Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Your family seem to have a load of money. You’re not paying for your wedding. I don’t think you’re paying for your house. You’re in a better position than 99% of people about wedding and house. So are either of those things really an issue??

    It sounds to me that the wedding and house are not the issue. To me, it’s living with someone who you've just long term dated that is a screaming issue. You’re uncomfortable with it, and rightly so. People can get gushy about weddings, but long term, it’s a legal contract for the rest of your life. Of course you can get out of it- but at high financial cost.

    Why are you lazy? You’re a grown up, old enough to get married. Come on now, start at least ‘practising’ for not behaving like an overgrown child. And your partner to be also sounds like he really needs to do the same.

    It sounds like you’re about to enter a marriage of roles about 30 years ago. Do you really want that? Do you think that might have a source re your anxiety?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,446 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

    As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

    God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
    I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

    Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.

    Maybe work on the perfectionism and need to do everything yourself. That seems to be the real issue. That doesn't have to be how you are and can ofren be what anxiety can dress itself up as.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Neyite wrote: »
    I come from a rural background so I know all the hours that go into farming. You fear the unknown but to be honest, if you break it down into bite sizes it will be fine.

    With online banking and all that now, I pay the rent and utilities on my phone with the other eye on Netflix. There's not a lot of time involved there. Phonecalls I do on the commute to work or back. We have a joint account that we put in an agreed amount each and all our bills and house stuff comes out of that. Add up what your outgoings are likely to be, divide it up whatever way is fair for you both - I'd suggest a ratio or % of your current earnings because if/when you are on statutory maternity pay or decide to go part time, your share will remain in proportion to your reduced income.

    Some couples are very structured. Myself and OH aren't. Anything that comes into our house belongs to both, regardlenss of who's account it's in. We discuss what we need to buy or budget for and whoever has the money at the time coughs up - but that only works because we both have similar spending norms, and neither of us are tight with money.

    Cleaning - either get into a routine where you whizz around for an hour a day doing the bits and pieces or just get a cleaner in for a few hours. It sounds like you are going into a traditional set up of being the housewife - well, housewives got the time during the day to do their house. You don't if you work so either you opt to go part time or just get a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big stuff like floors or bathrooms.

    Food shop - get an app. Plan our your meals for the week, add the things you need to the app list and get either on your way home one evening or I tend to go in on a Saturday afternoon, I plug in my headphones and it's actually very relaxing -for me anyway, it could be someone else's idea of hell. You could also get an app for a supermarket, add what you need when you need it and get it all delivered.

    Cooking - nobody is an instant cook. We all had to learn. For now, pick a new recipe or get one from your own mother to try once a month. Each month pick something new and in a year you'll have a range of meals you can do and be confident doing quickly when you get home. Things like slow cookers help as well. Or batch cooking in bulk once a month and freezing loads of lasange/ shepherds pies etc. You'll get the hang of it.

    Finally, I know he will work long hours 7 days a week, but that doesn't mean you should be picking his pants off the floor where he dropped them, he can put things in the laundry, his lunch plates in the dishwasher, take his wellies off outside so as not to muck the floor you've just washed and not make MORE work for you. Wife does not equal slave. Nothing will kill a loving relationship more than someone who expects you do clean up in their wake so a bit of respect from a partner is essential if you carry the overall responsibility of cleaning. You'll find your feet. It might take a few months to figure out what works for you but you'll get there.

    Can I just say thank you for the constructive advice this has been most helpful.

    A lot of it does come from the fact I think I will have to do it myself for it to be right, definitely a trait I picked up at home. We were never allowed so anything because it wouldn’t be done to my mams standards.

    That’s why I never have to do much around the house.

    I will try and talk myself out of such a mindset though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Maybe theres an element of not doing much housework previously but I think its dawning on you that you are going to be expected to replace his mother and do all his housework as well as your own. Have you posted about this before? You raising the issue, him dismissing it and him being a farmer is very familiar.

    I think best thing to do is to go for pre marriage counselling. And as an aside no matter the issue, whether it be housework or something more serious if you have a concern and his response is it'll be grand without actually addressing the issue that's not a strong partnership.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    Your family seem to have a load of money. You’re not paying for your wedding. I don’t think you’re paying for your house. You’re in a better position than 99% of people about wedding and house. So are either of those things really an issue??

    You’re uncomfortable with it, and rightly so. People can get gushy about weddings, but long term, it’s a legal contract for the rest of your life. Of course you can get out of it- but at high financial cost.

    Why are you lazy?

    Lazy because I never had to do much at home, we never were allowed.

    Wedding and house are not an issue for us, we’ve been saving by living at home. It’s suited us both from that point of view. I suppose I looked at the long term picture more and wanted a nice, big house so decided to wait at home and save so that I could get it. We sacrificed living together for that.

    As for getting out of it if it doesn’t suit, it would affect him more than me financially so I don’t see your point there.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 370 ✭✭Stepping Stone


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

    As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

    God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
    I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

    Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.

    Look, to be blunt, reading your posts, everything gets paid for by someone else and it’s all about the high end designer stuff for you. You come across as being completely self absorbed and not able to see outside the bubble that you live in.

    You’re used to having everything done for you, both of you. You’re not going to be paying a mortgage or a wedding loan. Hire a cleaner, hire window cleaners, pay a gardener, if you have kids, get a nanny! Pay for everything! It’s probably the easiest way to achieve perfection without doing any of the work. It’s also not available to about 99% of us, but that’s why we gradually became independent and learned all of the skills that we need in early adulthood. You’re living an unusually privileged life, so just do what you know.

    Ironically, I do pity you. Your threads here have been about moving to your new home and being isolated from your family, your fiancé’s long hours, your detached relationships with your family. All the money in the world can’t buy happiness but you don’t seem to see that you’re coming across as deeply unhappy. You don’t seem to have anyone to talk to, not friends or family. Find someone. It’s very worrying not to be able to openly discuss and debate something with the person that you’re spending the rest of your life with. You need to fix that and fast.

    Again, if this comes across as harsh, sorry but you’re heading for a very long and lonely life if you don’t do something.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Lazy because I never had to do much at home, we never were allowed.

    Wedding and house are not an issue for us, we’ve been saving by living at home. It’s suited us both from that point of view. I suppose I looked at the long term picture more and wanted a nice, big house so decided to wait at home and save so that I could get it. We sacrificed living together for that.

    As for getting out of it if it doesn’t suit, it would affect him more than me financially so I don’t see your point there.

    The availability of money clearly isn’t an issue. But how you value money might be - as in you sacrificed intimacy in your relationship for a big house. As far as I recall, you weren’t paying for your house anyway (correct me if I’m wrong).

    I think it’s worth considering if you value money / status more than relationships. I could be off beam there, but you talk about money and status a LOT.

    If you genuinely want a very old fashioned traditional role as a wife, fair enough. It doesn’t sound like you do though. But you’re behaving like that, doing little practical stuff for yourself or others. And your partner to be sounds the same. Is that the life you want? Would you be happy being his replacement Mammy?

    I genuinely think the deferral of the wedding has you thinking about what you want from a marriage / your life. Don’t waste the chance to do so.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Look, to be blunt, reading your posts, everything gets paid for by someone else and it’s all about the high end designer stuff for you. You come across as being completely self absorbed and not able to see outside the bubble that you live in.

    You’re used to having everything done for you, both of you. You’re not going to be paying a mortgage or a wedding loan. Hire a cleaner, hire window cleaners, pay a gardener, if you have kids, get a nanny! Pay for everything! It’s probably the easiest way to achieve perfection without doing any of the work. It’s also not available to about 99% of us, but that’s why we gradually became independent and learned all of the skills that we need in early adulthood. You’re living an unusually privileged life, so just do what you know.

    Ironically, I do pity you. Your threads here have been about moving to your new home and being isolated from your family, your fiancé’s long hours, your detached relationships with your family. All the money in the world can’t buy happiness but you don’t seem to see that you’re coming across as deeply unhappy. You don’t seem to have anyone to talk to, not friends or family. Find someone. It’s very worrying not to be able to openly discuss and debate something with the person that you’re spending the rest of your life with. You need to fix that and fast.

    Again, if this comes across as harsh, sorry but you’re heading for a very long and lonely life if you don’t do something.

    Yea I am very self absorbed. I always have been.

    I’ve to pay a mortgage eventually. I have people to talk to but I’d never want them to know any of this. It’s all a bit embarrassing really. Im not much of a talker anyways. My fiancé tells me he will help, I have spoken to him about all this and he tells me it will be a partnership and he will pull his weight and do what he can.

    I know deep down though I will end up doing it all that’s just my way, he wouldn’t do it my way and that would make me stress.

    I’ll just have to take his word for it. I dont fancy living at home minding my parents for the rest of my life. Which is plan B.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yea I am very self absorbed. I always have been.

    I’ve to pay a mortgage eventually. I have people to talk to but I’d never want them to know any of this. It’s all a bit embarrassing really. Im not much of a talker anyways. My fiancé tells me he will help, I have spoken to him about all this and he tells me it will be a partnership and he will pull his weight and do what he can.

    I know deep down though I will end up doing it all that’s just my way, he wouldn’t do it my way and that would make me stress.

    I’ll just have to take his word for it. I dont fancy living at home minding my parents for the rest of my life. Which is plan B.

    You have options here, it's not be a maid to your husband or a maid to your parents.

    Do you not think, given your fears, you should live together first before you get married? Yoh seem doubtful that your fiance is going to help. That's not a great endorsement of the man.

    Is the house ready, can you move in before you get married?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    You have options here, it's not be a maid to your husband or a maid to your parents.

    Do you not think, given your fears, you should live together first before you get married? Yoh seem doubtful that your fiance is going to help. That's not a great endorsement of the man.

    Is the house ready, can you move in before you get married?

    I would make a terrible maid! No unfortunately house is not ready, we can’t buy furniture at moment.

    I know he will help as much as he can with his job but it’s my irrational fear he won’t do it my way or the right way that will probably mean I end up doing it all.

    I get really wound up and angry if something isn’t done the way I like it, even living at home I am like that.

    I need to get over this but don’t know how to.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,463 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Teach30 wrote: »
    I would make a terrible maid! No unfortunately house is not ready, we can’t buy furniture at moment.

    I know he will help as much as he can with his job but it’s my irrational fear he won’t do it my way or the right way that will probably mean I end up doing it all.

    I get really wound up and angry if something isn’t done the way I like it, even living at home I am like that.


    I need to get over this but don’t know how to.


    But how can you get wound up or angry if something isn't done the way you like it at home, when by your own admission, you don't do anything at home, or are not allowed?

    It's time to put the big girl pants on. Decide if you want to marry this guy or not. Start standing on your own two feet at home, for however long you continue to live there. Cook your own meals, wash your own dishes, wash your own clothes, hoover your bedroom, whatever is done by your martyr mother currently.

    Stop making excuses for his future behaviour, like above where you say if he doesn't do it your way you'll end up doing it yourself. That will just lead to you nagging him about never doing housework, and him saying 'you never let me because you say I always do it wrong'. And he'll be right, but he'll have a get out clause.

    There's always a third option, if you choose not to get married, you don't have to live with your parents, you could always move out and support yourself and take pride in not living like a child in their house.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    But how can you get wound up or angry if something isn't done the way you like it at home, when by your own admission, you don't do anything at home, or are not allowed?

    It's time to put the big girl pants on. Decide if you want to marry this guy or not. Start standing on your own two feet at home, for however long you continue to live there. Cook your own meals, wash your own dishes, wash your own clothes, hoover your bedroom, whatever is done by your martyr mother currently.

    Stop making excuses for his future behaviour, like above where you say if he doesn't do it your way you'll end up doing it yourself. That will just lead to you nagging him about never doing housework, and him saying 'you never let me because you say I always do it wrong'. And he'll be right, but he'll have a get out clause.

    There's always a third option, if you choose not to get married, you don't have to live with your parents, you could always move out and support yourself and take pride in not living like a child in their house.

    Example.. Someone puts saucepans in dishwasher again I disagree with this, not my way of doing it I wash them by hand. Some people wash all colours together, don’t soak clothes.. not my way of doing it so I do it my way. I could go on.

    It’s not an excuse for his future behaviour that’s just how I am. Even cutting up a piece of fruit I get so annoyed it it’s not done my way. It would put me in a bad mood for the day if someone does it wrong. How do I stop that feeling?

    I do a bit at home my own washing and hoovering. I dont cook very often. I have a dinner with parents as they like that. I dont do anything extra though around the house I should do more but I’m always tired after work and the weekends I like to get out. Things like cleaning windows I don’t do I wouldn’t do it to my mothers standards or cleaning a cupboard, I wouldn’t put it back the right way etc.

    I’ll marry him alright I’ve nothing to lose really.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,552 ✭✭✭bigpink


    Have ye never lived together before?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,463 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Example.. Someone puts saucepans in dishwasher again I disagree with this, not my way of doing it I wash them by hand. Some people wash all colours together, don’t soak clothes.. not my way of doing it so I do it my way. I could go on.

    It’s not an excuse for his future behaviour that’s just how I am. Even cutting up a piece of fruit I get so annoyed it it’s not done my way. It would put me in a bad mood for the day if someone does it wrong. How do I stop that feeling?

    I do a bit at home my own washing and hoovering. I dont cook very often. I have a dinner with parents as they like that. I dont do anything extra though around the house I should do more but I’m always tired after work and the weekends I like to get out.

    I’ll marry him alright.

    How do you think the rest of us manage???

    Seriously, most people that are working do not have maids to do all their housework, they come home and do it after work. If you marry him and you have kids in a few years time, you won't have any choice, you'll have to feed them, as well as wash clothes and lots of other housework.

    You should probably go to therapy if someone cutting up a piece of fruit differently to how you do it puts you in a bad mood for the day. You don't agree with this method of doing it, but it doesn't make it wrong. You need to start taking that into consideration, otherwise when you do get married and move in together, you are going to have a lot of rows that you currently don't have, and it will be about really stupid things that you shouldn't be having rows about. If you choose not to let things go, you will be setting yourself up for a life of martyrdom.

    Does the world really end if the pot is washed in the dishwasher?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    How do you think the rest of us manage???

    Seriously, most people that are working do not have maids to do all their housework, they come home and do it after work. If you marry him and you have kids in a few years time, you won't have any choice, you'll have to feed them, as well as wash clothes and lots of other housework.

    You should probably go to therapy if someone cutting up a piece of fruit differently to how you do it puts you in a bad mood for the day. You don't agree with this method of doing it, but it doesn't make it wrong. You need to start taking that into consideration, otherwise when you do get married and move in together, you are going to have a lot of rows that you currently don't have, and it will be about really stupid things that you shouldn't be having rows about. If you choose not to let things go, you will be setting yourself up for a life of martyrdom.

    Does the world really end if the pot is washed in the dishwasher?

    Maybe I should see someone, I do think I suffer within my nerves. A pot in dishwasher is just so wrong it would destroy the finish on it, so yes it would be start if a bad mood for me.

    I’m tired/lethargic all the time. I know what I have to do but I lack the motivation a lot of the time. I wish I could fix it.


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,552 ✭✭✭bigpink


    What ages are ye?I would suggest a trail moving in period.But maybe before that start practicing budgeting and chores
    A mortage and wedding is going to cost alot have ye spoken about it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,644 ✭✭✭kerryjack


    Farmer myself and farmers like to give the impression that we work from 6am to 9pm but in reality we don't, we take long breakfasts and even longer lunches. I say go for it what have you to loose only half a farm. Be yourself and do it your own way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Maybe I should see someone, I do think I suffer within my nerves. A pot in dishwasher is just so wrong it would destroy the finish on it, so yes it would be start if a bad mood for me.

    I’m tired/lethargic all the time. I know what I have to do but I lack the motivation a lot of the time. I wish I could fix it.

    You sound like you are living someone else's life - drifting into the big choices other people are making for you, and you focus on the things you DO have an opinion on - like pots in the dishwasher or cutting fruit. It gives the illusion of being in control of your life but you know deep down it's missing something. So, with someone else paying for the wedding for example, how much of it did you actually get to decide on. You might have decided on the colours or the dress but the big things were probably chosen for the preferences of other people and not you or your fiancé. Same with your house - building it on someone else's land how much of the house was decided by people other than you? You don't have to post that here - just have a think about it yourself.

    It's a good idea to talk to someone. I do think you need that, and possibly this big life change is bringing other issues to the fore that you don't know how to square up in your head and causing you stress and anxiety. You might be able to find an online counsellor to talk to - might as well make use of being housebound.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,258 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    If you want to know me, come live with me. My dearly departed grandmother used to say that and she was bang on. In this day and age nobody should be getting married without living together first. It's only then you know you're truly compatible.

    OP I genuinely think you are making a mistake by going the traditional route. The first year of marriage is always the hardest but combine that with moving in together and it could be a nightmare.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Neyite wrote: »
    You sound like you are living someone else's life - drifting into the big choices other people are making for you, and you focus on the things you DO have an opinion on - like pots in the dishwasher or cutting fruit. It gives the illusion of being in control of your life but you know deep down it's missing something. So, with someone else paying for the wedding for example, how much of it did you actually get to decide on. You might have decided on the colours or the dress but the big things were probably chosen for the preferences of other people and not you or your fiancé. Same with your house - building it on someone else's land how much of the house was decided by people other than you? You don't have to post that here - just have a think about it yourself.

    It's a good idea to talk to someone. I do think you need that, and possibly this big life change is bringing other issues to the fore that you don't know how to square up in your head and causing you stress and anxiety. You might be able to find an online counsellor to talk to - might as well make use of being housebound.

    Well we decided everything together for wedding and house. If I could have had a wedding planner I would have! I don’t bother in the end. Who else was going to decide these things? I’ll be living in the house so my parents were hardly going to bother designing it?

    I do worry about what other people think of me so I suppose that puts me under pressure. I like to have things right.

    Will look into talking to someone. Thanks.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,552 ✭✭✭bigpink


    How did you get a mortgage if your poor at budgeting?You must be ok at it


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    OP have you considered that maybe if you are the perfectionist you say you are and will now have to take the majority of the housework on, that moving in when it happens it might be the perfect solution to your perfetionism - you will be in charge and so can do the chores exactly the way you want to - or re-do them after your husband has done them( not to your standard). It might work to your advantage.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,734 ✭✭✭PoisonIvyBelle


    At the moment you're worrying about things that haven't happened yet and may not be an issue at all.

    Here's what I suggest:

    Make a checklist of everything you need to do.
    Then highlight everything you don't know how to do.
    Make another checklist of those things.
    Learn how to do them one by one.

    You don't have to figure everything out in a week, a month, or a year, even. Just take it as it comes and work it out with your guy together.

    I'm not addressing whether you should get married because that's not the question you've asked.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 5,250 ✭✭✭blackbox


    I think it is sad that you have never lived independently.
    I recommend that you move out of your parents house and live in a flat for a year, either on your own or sharing.
    After a year, you will have much more confidence and competence and if you feel ready to move in with fiance or get married, go right ahead.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 338 ✭✭lastusername


    OP, we all get a bit narky at things not being done our way - I know I do.


    However, that's NOT a problem! It's ok to feel what you feel - be it lazy, self-absorbed, narky at a pot being put in a dishwasher - it's all ok.


    This is not about 'thinking positive', it's really just seeing that feelings are feelings and really don't need to be taken so seriously.



    What if someone cuts a piece of fruit 'the wrong way', and they eat it and enjoy it, and / or you eat it and enjoy it? You can feel both a bit narky at something and still enjoy the outcome.

    Nothing is 'fixed' when it comes to this, and all the feelings and thoughts you may have are ok. The problem is only in thinking that they aren't, or that something needs to be done about them.


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