Living together

Teach30 · 30-03-2020 11:12pm #1

Due to move in with my fiancé in a few months, well once the current situation is over and we get married. Wedding is currently up in the air so I am nervous about that.

I’m very much looking forward to the next step but at minute I’m worried about it all. Managing finances, time management, running a house, working, cooking, cleaning, washing has me all up in a heap. I can cope with doing it all but it the huge feeling of pressure I am experiencing at the minute has me feeling depressed and down. I am very unmotivated, sleeping a lot and taking it out on others. My family would have zero sympathy and are not the type for talking.

Has anyone coping strategies. Thanks.

Upforthematch · 30-03-2020 11:17pm

Hi there,

Thinking of the wedding is bound to be adding a lot of stress so be good to yourself, many in your situation would be the same.

Little practical things like getting exercise, making lists and fitting in a daily treat (whatever makes you happy) are always a good start.

Could you have a chat with your bridemaids maybe to destress?

Alf Veedersane · 30-03-2020 11:20pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Due to move in with my fiancé in a few months, well once the current situation is over and we get married. Wedding is currently up in the air so I am nervous about that.

I’m very much looking forward to the next step but at minute I’m worried about it all. Managing finances, time management, running a house, working, cooking, cleaning, washing has me all up in a heap. I can cope with doing it all but it the huge feeling of pressure I am experiencing at the minute has me feeling depressed and down. I am very unmotivated, sleeping a lot and taking it out on others. My family would have zero sympathy and are not the type for talking.

Has anyone coping strategies. Thanks.

Two things:

1) It sounds like you're taking on the pressure of doing absolutely everything in what is supposed to be a partnership, and

2) You need to speak to your fiancé about it rather than cope alone.

Ok, three things....(3) the current circumstances has shrouded everything in a degree of uncertainty so that has fed into every facet of our lives.

A chat with your fiancé would hopefully clear it up. You shouldn't have to be working AND 'managing the house' AND cooking AND cleaning AND washing AND everything else. What would be be doing?

Talking together and managing things together should make a world of difference.

Teach30 · 30-03-2020 11:52pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Two things:

1) It sounds like you're taking on the pressure of doing absolutely everything in what is supposed to be a partnership, and

2) You need to speak to your fiancé about it rather than cope alone.

Ok, three things....(3) the current circumstances has shrouded everything in a degree of uncertainty so that has fed into every facet of our lives.

A chat with your fiancé would hopefully clear it up. You shouldn't have to be working AND 'managing the house' AND cooking AND cleaning AND washing AND everything else. What would be be doing?

Talking together and managing things together should make a world of difference.

See he’s a farmer works from 6 til 9 so I will have to do those jobs. That’s fine I know what I’m getting getting myself into and I’m sure he will help when he can. It’s just very daunting taking it all on.

My bridesmaid is a friend but not one I would really share this with. I dont really have close friends. I know she wouldn’t really understand what I’m experiencing.

I’ve tried making lists before but i dont tend to have them motivation to stick to them. I don’t Get that sense of satisfaction some people do from
Ticking them.

I’ve been very lazy lately not doing as much work as I should be and I mope around the house all day. This is even from before CV began. I come home from work and straight to bed.

I’ve a good balanced diet, just very lethargic towards life.

Faith · 31-03-2020 10:05am

What's the reason for not moving in together before the wedding?

I'm not surprised you're feeling under a lot of pressure right now. Everyone is just with the CV situation, but you're also planning a wedding (hugely stressful) AND planning to move in with someone for the first time (hugely stressful). For most of us, we move in with a person first as a transitional stage, so we can get used to that part before marrying someone. It seems like you've taken a very old-fashioned route, only back in the day, women wouldn't have been working on top of running homes once they were married (typically, anyway, and they probably would have had a lot of family help).

In terms of coping, if you'll both be working full-time, can you hire a cleaner to take that job from you?

What do you do right now? I believe from your previous posts that you live with your parents. How do you help out around the house there? What extra will you be doing when you move in with your husband that you don't do now?

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 10:59am

Lots of people work long hours and manage household tasks, too. Who does these things for him now? Will you be working outside the home as well?

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 11:21am

Faith wrote: »

What's the reason for not moving in together before the wedding?

In terms of coping, if you'll both be working full-time, can you hire a cleaner to take that job from you?

What do you do right now? I believe from your previous posts that you live with your parents. How do you help out around the house there? What extra will you be doing when you move in with your husband that you don't do now?

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

woodchuck · 31-03-2020 11:40am

OP, personally I think it's a terrible idea to get married before you've lived together.

Given the current situation with the coronavirus, could you use that as an excuse to postpone the wedding for another year or so? Honestly, I think you need to see what living together would really be like before you commit to each other for life. If there's a possibility that it'll be as bad as you expect, is that a life you'd be happy with?

Alf Veedersane · 31-03-2020 11:43am

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

You're unnecessarily overwhelming yourself by thoughts of messing it up.

It strikes me as analogous to my wife and cooking. For years after we were going out, she did very little cooking beyond anything that just required turning on the oven and putting prepared food in for the time specificed on the packaging. She had no confidence that she could make something and not make a mess of it. Until she tried. The first few efforts were grand - nothing to write home about but no one was poisoned. Before long, she was confident enough she could make something decent that everyone would like and it doesn't cost her a thought.

The moral of the story is that she thought she couldn't and thought she would make a mess of it. But then she tried and while she didn't get it 100% right at the start, she didn't get it 100% wrong and got better and more confident in time.

And so will you. You'll figure it out but you'll need to do it together and while that may not always mean a 50/50 split on housework, there has to be understanding and support and occasionally taking workload from you. Or modifying things to help you etc etc.

You will be fine

Ballso · 31-03-2020 11:47am

Why would you marry someone who you've never lived with, who plans on working twelve hours a day as a matter of course and leaves you to "run the house" alone? Sounds like a recipe for the sort of miserable existence enjoyed by Irish women in the 1950s.

qwerty13 · 31-03-2020 11:55am

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

You’ve said that your house is being paid for. So you don’t have that worry compared to 99% PF people.

So is your real worry that you won’t get on as a couple? I’d echo Woodchucks advice then - live together first, it is essential in my book.

lastusername · 31-03-2020 12:11pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

OP, it might be a surprise to hear (hopefully a pleasant one!), that what you're feeling right now has zero to do with running a house, etc, and 100% to do with the racing thoughts you are having about running a house, etc.

In other words, if you were feeling calm and clear in general, you wouldn't have this same feeling - it's purely down to your thoughts in this moment.

When these settle down, you'll find your perspective on the situation will change. I have no doubt you're able to wash a few dishes and make a few meals (not suggesting you do ALL of that obviously), it's just it only looks right now that it's a big ask for you.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:15pm

Ballso wrote: »

Why would you marry someone who you've never lived with, who plans on working twelve hours a day as a matter of course and leaves you to "run the house" alone? Sounds like a recipe for the sort of miserable existence enjoyed by Irish women in the 1950s.

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:17pm

lastusername wrote: »

OP, it might be a surprise to hear (hopefully a pleasant one!), that what you're feeling right now has zero to do with running a house, etc, and 100% to do with the racing thoughts you are having about running a house, etc.

In other words, if you were feeling calm and clear in general, you wouldn't have this same feeling - it's purely down to your thoughts in this moment.

When these settle down, you'll find your perspective on the situation will change. I have no doubt you're able to wash a few dishes and make a few meals (not suggesting you do ALL of that obviously), it's just it only looks right now that it's a big ask for you.

Your probably right, I do have far too much time to think lately. Thank you for your positivity.

Ballso · 31-03-2020 12:18pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

You can't talk to your fiancee about it?

lastusername · 31-03-2020 12:19pm

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

That's exactly what I am driving at and you're even seeing it yourself

I guess you can talk to us...but also if you can see it's just anxious thoughts and there's nothing you need to do about them, then maybe they'll fall away naturally by themselves.

You know you'll manage it when it comes up, you'll do that naturally. What if everything else around is a bit like noise and just your mind making up stories, as it often does?

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:21pm

Ballso wrote: »

You can't talk to your fiancee about it?

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

strandroad · 31-03-2020 12:25pm

Teach30 wrote: »

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

Who's doing his cooking, cleaning and bills paying now?

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 12:26pm

No one is berating you. You DO NOT have to take on all those roles yourself. Unless you want to, of course. There are ways of splitting up different tasks between you. It may not evenly split but there are roles he can take on, like adding detergent and conditioner to a washing machine pre loaded with clothes and switching it on before he leaves the house in the morning so the wash us ready when you get up. Like cleaning the shower/bath after himself when he's finished using it (like most adults do). Like taking responsibility for the cleaning if his work clothes. Like rinsing his own plates and cutlery and putting them in the dishwasher and wiping down the table and counters after himself. If he can't do these things for himself you are marrying a child. If you just keep telling yourself 'that's full time farming" and accept it then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Teyla Emmagan · 31-03-2020 12:26pm

Why are you waiting to get married? Your wedding could be postponed anyway at the rate things are going. If the two of you have somewhere to live together now I would just bite the bullet. It will put your mind at ease. Or it may stop you making an awful mistake. But I think being just married and running a house all day by yourself could be too much to take on. You should bite it off in chunks.

Pencil Neck · 31-03-2020 12:28pm

Teach30 wrote: »

See he’s a farmer works from 6 til 9 so I will have to do those jobs. That’s fine I know what I’m getting getting myself into and I’m sure he will help when he can. It’s just very daunting taking it all on.

My bridesmaid is a friend but not one I would really share this with. I dont really have close friends. I know she wouldn’t really understand what I’m experiencing.

I’ve tried making lists before but i dont tend to have them motivation to stick to them. I don’t Get that sense of satisfaction some people do from
Ticking them.

I’ve been very lazy lately not doing as much work as I should be and I mope around the house all day. This is even from before CV began. I come home from work and straight to bed.

I’ve a good balanced diet, just very lethargic towards life.

He is only working 3 hours a day and won’t help around the house ? Sounds a lazy lout.

Ballso · 31-03-2020 12:31pm

Teach30 wrote: »

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

He says to stop thinking about it. He's getting a full time domestic servant for himself, it's no wonder.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:34pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

No one is berating you. You DO NOT have to take on all those roles yourself. Unless you want to, of course. There are ways of splitting up different tasks between you. It may not evenly split but there are roles he can take on, like adding detergent and conditioner to a washing machine pre loaded with clothes and switching it on before he leaves the house in the morning so the wash us ready when you get up. Like cleaning the shower/bath after himself when he's finished using it (like most adults do). Like taking responsibility for the cleaning if his work clothes. Like rinsing his own plates and cutlery and putting them in the dishwasher and wiping down the table and counters after himself. If he can't do these things for himself you are marrying a child. If you just keep telling yourself 'that's full time farming" and accept it then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Ok yes they are little things we can both do but he’s not going to time to put out his washing or hoover, do the food shop, clean windows, prepare meals, wash up saucepans, clean the fire, etc. he lives with his parents his mam does all this for him at the moment too. He’ll do what he can but it’s managing my own time i find difficult at the best of times. I am used to doing nothing.

We have no furniture for house at moment so can’t move in until all this is over.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:35pm

Pencil Neck wrote: »

He is only working 3 hours a day and won’t help around the house ? Sounds a lazy lout.

Ha no sorry that’s 6am to 9pm and then had cows to calve so up at night too.

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 12:40pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Ok yes they are little things we can both do but he’s not going to time to put out his washing or hoover, do the food shop, clean windows, prepare meals, wash up saucepans, clean the fire, etc. he lives with his parents his mam does all this for him at the moment too. He’ll do what he can but it’s managing my own time i find difficult at the best of times. I am used to doing nothing.

We have no furniture for house at moment so can’t move in until all this is over.

My friends husband is a full time farmer. As soon as he comes in at night he strips off his dirty farming clothes and puts them in the washing machine and switches it on, all by himself. Then he gets into the downstairs shower which he then cleans after he uses it. No time to put demergent, fabric softener in a machine full of clothes and press the on button? Please, that takes less than a minute! C'mon OP, you are coming across as a martyr. If he was living alone who'd do this for him?

determinedlass · 31-03-2020 12:42pm

I'd listen to SARDONICAT & BALLSO. It's not a case of if he works more, he should do less around the house (which would be fair). Instead he works 15 hours a day, almost as a reason so that he doesn't have to do anything else.

Either mammy does everything for him (washes clothes, cooks dinner, buys food and toiletries, takes the plate away to wash after dinner etc.) so he hasn't have to mature or he does these things now and thinks once he is married; that will be your job.

I'm from a farming background - I KNOW the hours involved- lack of weekends etc. I also know the positives. However don't let the positives be for him only! How will you cope when children come along? It is possible to farm and do his fair share as a partner. Don't let yourself be a laying hen!

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:50pm

determinedlass wrote: »

I'd listen to SARDONICAT & BALLSO. It's not a case of if he works more, he should do less around the house (which would be fair). Instead he works 15 hours a day, almost as a reason so that he doesn't have to do anything else.

Either mammy does everything for him (washes clothes, cooks dinner, buys food and toiletries, takes the plate away to wash after dinner etc.) so he hasn't have to mature or he does these things now and thinks once he is married; that will be your job.

I'm from a farming background - I KNOW the hours involved- lack of weekends etc. I also know the positives. However don't let the positives be for him only! How will you cope when children come along? It is possible to farm and do his fair share as a partner. Don't let yourself be a laying hen!

Oh god no if he could work less hours he would but he has no choice. His machinery etc are all old and prone to breakages, his set up isn’t very modern so things take longer.

I come from a farm too and I’m used to everything being done for me. I think that’s the real deep down problem. Now I’m going to have to do everything like my own mother has done except I will have to work outside the home too. I want my own money so not giving it up.

I’m not saying he will do nothing around the house I know he will but I will have to take it all on.
He works much harder than me, I’m used to doing nothing much at home.

I’m quite lazy really.

dory · 31-03-2020 12:55pm

Maybe you should get some practice in now. We're all lazy at times. I would be very lazy if I lived at home but I live alone so have no choice.

You could practice now by making your parents a few meals, doing a bit of cleaning.

I think what someone up there said is very important and you'll have a miserable life if you don't remember it - What would he do if he lived alone?? I know farmers who live alone and they work long hours and still do all the household tasks you mention.

strandroad · 31-03-2020 12:56pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I’m quite lazy really.

It's not lazy to have concerns about running an entire household while working..

lastusername · 31-03-2020 2:09pm

I'm amazed that you say you do nothing around the house OP

Like do you mean you eat your dinner and then your mam picks up your plate and washes it or puts it in the dishwasher, etc?!

It could be good to start doing a few bits and pieces to acclimatise to it a bit. I have a family member who also lives on a farm with his wife, and they are both alike in that they don't seem to care at all about dirt or tidiness, with the result that everything is...well dirty a lot of the time and just really not great surroundings!

Some people might not mind that at all, but good to keep it in mind that you probably want to start out just doing the basics to keep things fairly clean and tidy. Up to you and your future husband though, if you have similar 'standards' then it might not be a big deal that way!

pwurple · 31-03-2020 2:37pm

It's fear of the unknown here? You can do it! And it's just the two of you I assume, he's not coming out of the box with 6 kids, right? It's fine for two people.

You know how to shop already. You do the shopping for your parents at the moment.

Cooking you can learn, and you can do that now from home. Try a few things, ask your parents for help if you need it. You only need a very simple set of base things you can cook, and you're set. Can you put pork chops in an oven for 20 minutes? It's easy.
Breakfast is toast / porridge, lunch is sandwiches, so it's just one meal a day. What do you both like to eat? Learn 5 or 6 meals and repeat.

You're a teacher, so you are able to handle a spreadsheet. Use that to budget for a household, it's fairly simple. Don't kill yourself with it, it's very straightforward.

Laundry, you can make as simple or as complicated as you like. I throw everything in on delicates and that's it. Other people separate darks from coloured and do various fabrics different ways. It's as hard as you make it.

Living together

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