Living together

Teach30 · 01-04-2020 12:41am

rainbowtrout wrote: »

How do you think the rest of us manage???

Seriously, most people that are working do not have maids to do all their housework, they come home and do it after work. If you marry him and you have kids in a few years time, you won't have any choice, you'll have to feed them, as well as wash clothes and lots of other housework.

You should probably go to therapy if someone cutting up a piece of fruit differently to how you do it puts you in a bad mood for the day. You don't agree with this method of doing it, but it doesn't make it wrong. You need to start taking that into consideration, otherwise when you do get married and move in together, you are going to have a lot of rows that you currently don't have, and it will be about really stupid things that you shouldn't be having rows about. If you choose not to let things go, you will be setting yourself up for a life of martyrdom.

Does the world really end if the pot is washed in the dishwasher?

Maybe I should see someone, I do think I suffer within my nerves. A pot in dishwasher is just so wrong it would destroy the finish on it, so yes it would be start if a bad mood for me.

I’m tired/lethargic all the time. I know what I have to do but I lack the motivation a lot of the time. I wish I could fix it.

bigpink · 01-04-2020 12:55am

What ages are ye?I would suggest a trail moving in period.But maybe before that start practicing budgeting and chores
A mortage and wedding is going to cost alot have ye spoken about it?

kerryjack · 01-04-2020 6:50am

Farmer myself and farmers like to give the impression that we work from 6am to 9pm but in reality we don't, we take long breakfasts and even longer lunches. I say go for it what have you to loose only half a farm. Be yourself and do it your own way.

Neyite · 01-04-2020 11:00am

Teach30 wrote: »

Maybe I should see someone, I do think I suffer within my nerves. A pot in dishwasher is just so wrong it would destroy the finish on it, so yes it would be start if a bad mood for me.

I’m tired/lethargic all the time. I know what I have to do but I lack the motivation a lot of the time. I wish I could fix it.

You sound like you are living someone else's life - drifting into the big choices other people are making for you, and you focus on the things you DO have an opinion on - like pots in the dishwasher or cutting fruit. It gives the illusion of being in control of your life but you know deep down it's missing something. So, with someone else paying for the wedding for example, how much of it did you actually get to decide on. You might have decided on the colours or the dress but the big things were probably chosen for the preferences of other people and not you or your fiancé. Same with your house - building it on someone else's land how much of the house was decided by people other than you? You don't have to post that here - just have a think about it yourself.

It's a good idea to talk to someone. I do think you need that, and possibly this big life change is bringing other issues to the fore that you don't know how to square up in your head and causing you stress and anxiety. You might be able to find an online counsellor to talk to - might as well make use of being housebound.

Caranica · 01-04-2020 11:14am

If you want to know me, come live with me. My dearly departed grandmother used to say that and she was bang on. In this day and age nobody should be getting married without living together first. It's only then you know you're truly compatible.

OP I genuinely think you are making a mistake by going the traditional route. The first year of marriage is always the hardest but combine that with moving in together and it could be a nightmare.

Teach30 · 01-04-2020 12:51pm

Neyite wrote: »

You sound like you are living someone else's life - drifting into the big choices other people are making for you, and you focus on the things you DO have an opinion on - like pots in the dishwasher or cutting fruit. It gives the illusion of being in control of your life but you know deep down it's missing something. So, with someone else paying for the wedding for example, how much of it did you actually get to decide on. You might have decided on the colours or the dress but the big things were probably chosen for the preferences of other people and not you or your fiancé. Same with your house - building it on someone else's land how much of the house was decided by people other than you? You don't have to post that here - just have a think about it yourself.

It's a good idea to talk to someone. I do think you need that, and possibly this big life change is bringing other issues to the fore that you don't know how to square up in your head and causing you stress and anxiety. You might be able to find an online counsellor to talk to - might as well make use of being housebound.

Well we decided everything together for wedding and house. If I could have had a wedding planner I would have! I don’t bother in the end. Who else was going to decide these things? I’ll be living in the house so my parents were hardly going to bother designing it?

I do worry about what other people think of me so I suppose that puts me under pressure. I like to have things right.

Will look into talking to someone. Thanks.

bigpink · 01-04-2020 1:10pm

How did you get a mortgage if your poor at budgeting?You must be ok at it

JustAThought · 01-04-2020 1:17pm

OP have you considered that maybe if you are the perfectionist you say you are and will now have to take the majority of the housework on, that moving in when it happens it might be the perfect solution to your perfetionism - you will be in charge and so can do the chores exactly the way you want to - or re-do them after your husband has done them( not to your standard). It might work to your advantage.

PoisonIvyBelle · 01-04-2020 1:35pm

At the moment you're worrying about things that haven't happened yet and may not be an issue at all.

Here's what I suggest:

Make a checklist of everything you need to do.
Then highlight everything you don't know how to do.
Make another checklist of those things.
Learn how to do them one by one.

You don't have to figure everything out in a week, a month, or a year, even. Just take it as it comes and work it out with your guy together.

I'm not addressing whether you should get married because that's not the question you've asked.

blackbox · 01-04-2020 1:38pm

I think it is sad that you have never lived independently.
I recommend that you move out of your parents house and live in a flat for a year, either on your own or sharing.
After a year, you will have much more confidence and competence and if you feel ready to move in with fiance or get married, go right ahead.

lastusername · 01-04-2020 1:46pm

OP, we all get a bit narky at things not being done our way - I know I do.

However, that's NOT a problem! It's ok to feel what you feel - be it lazy, self-absorbed, narky at a pot being put in a dishwasher - it's all ok.

This is not about 'thinking positive', it's really just seeing that feelings are feelings and really don't need to be taken so seriously.

What if someone cuts a piece of fruit 'the wrong way', and they eat it and enjoy it, and / or you eat it and enjoy it? You can feel both a bit narky at something and still enjoy the outcome.

Nothing is 'fixed' when it comes to this, and all the feelings and thoughts you may have are ok. The problem is only in thinking that they aren't, or that something needs to be done about them.

Teach30 · 01-04-2020 11:04pm

blackbox wrote: »

I think it is sad that you have never lived independently.
I recommend that you move out of your parents house and live in a flat for a year, either on your own or sharing.
After a year, you will have much more confidence and competence and if you feel ready to move in with fiance or get married, go right ahead.

I Lived away for college and work. I moved
Home to save.

Feeling much more positive. I have more skills than I realise I suppose and I do tend to overthink things. I’ve been having a lot of down days recently so I had a chat with myself and decided I just need to get on with it.

I’d rather throw myself in at the deep end and manage than stay like this for another year or two. I’m not getting any younger and we don’t want to be paying a mortgage back for the rest of our lives so the sooner we can start the house the better.

I’ve a lot going on and I’m learning how to cope with it all but thanks to all the positive replies here that helped put me in a good frame of mind.

Tokyo · 05-04-2020 7:36am

Mod:

A gentle reminder - as per the forum charter, please don't PM an OP or request a PM exchange with an OP with respect to their thread.

tea and coffee · 05-04-2020 11:12am

Having read the whole thread as it evolves, other issues seem to emerge and it's really less about the chores and more about you feeling "out of control".
- your mum controls how everything is done to her "perfect" standards
- you have started to emulate this (pans, fruit)
- you controlled every aspect of the wedding booking but didn't enjoy it.

It's an anxiety /control thing I think. Perhaps someone will articulate it better than me.

You can't control what is going to happen in the new home or plan it to the smallest detail because you are now having to factor in someone else (husband) and you're feeling freaked.

You have said through the thread that you are able to do stuff but haven't had to. Sounds like you will be able to step up to the plate when required.

What you need to look at is the "perfectionism" - the need to control eveey aspect, every situation- that you appear to have picked up from your mum.

So what if your husband were not to pre soak the clothes? Or chop an apple differently? There is more than one way to do these things and that is part of being a couple/ family/ friendship etc.

You have to look at why you feel the need to sweat the small stuff and address that.
It looks like your husband is willing to do a bit - great!
Are you worried you won't live up to his perfect standards or your own? Or both? I would chat to him about that- about what both your expectations are. And maybe look at reducing or finding a coping mechanism for dealing with your own.

Addle · 05-04-2020 12:02pm

You probably have a lot of control in the classroom.
You can’t expect the same outside of it.

I’m sure your fiancé and his family are very happy with his laying hen, but just take care when you do move in together OP not to treat him and them like you do your students.

Teach30 · 05-04-2020 4:46pm

Addle wrote: »

You probably have a lot of control in the classroom.
You can’t expect the same outside of it.

I’m sure your fiancé and his family are very happy with his laying hen, but just take care when you do move in together OP not to treat him and them like you do your students.

Yera he’s a bit of a laying hen himself so I’d say we’ll be grand. He’s delighted to have a bottle washer and cook. I’m delighted to have someone to put up with me and keep me, so win win all round.

eviltwin · 05-04-2020 4:54pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yera he’s a bit of a laying hen himself so I’d say we’ll be grand. He’s delighted to have a bottle washer and cook. I’m delighted to have someone to put up with me and keep me, so win win all round.

I hope that's a joke because if that's how you really see each other your relationship sounds a very lonely place.

Teach30 · 05-04-2020 5:03pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I hope that's a joke because if that's how you really see each other your relationship sounds a very lonely place.

Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.

strandroad · 05-04-2020 5:17pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Not really a joke it’s reality

We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families

Your posts are just so full of red flags... Everything will change for you when you move in, everything. You will move away from your family, friends and favourite spots, move your job, take on running an entire household from zero, completely change your lifestyle. At the same time your other half will keep his locality, his family and social circle, his exact job and lifestyle; the main thing that will change for him is that a different person will be doing his chores. Of course it seems grand to him, you are the one jumping in the deep end and having to reinvent yourself overnight. You seem wildly optimistic and hell bent on doing just that so best of luck I suppose, but statements like above are just deeply concerning. You should really find someone to confide in and work through it bit by bit.

eviltwin · 05-04-2020 5:20pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.

Having read that I wouldn't marry him. Why settle for that? It sounds awful. Are you in love with him? Are you comfortable and happy in each others company? What's the physical side of your relationship like?

Teach30 · 05-04-2020 5:46pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Having read that I wouldn't marry him. Why settle for that? It sounds awful. Are you in love with him? Are you comfortable and happy in each others company? What's the physical side of your relationship like?

Of course I am in love with him. I dont really get what you mean by settling? I think it sounds like a very good lifestyle. What more is there, keeping in mind I’m engaged to a farmer so obviously there are limitations attached to that. I’m not bothered by foreign holidays - never was, so it wouldnt bother my if I didn’t get a week in the sun etc. I like a simple life.

PoisonIvyBelle · 06-04-2020 2:58pm

I think a lot of people are find it hard to relate to you, Teach30, based on your posts here and in previous threads, and that's why you're getting the backlash you're getting.

If this is a way of life you think you'll be truly happy living, then all power to you, no-one anonymous stranger on the internet can tell you how you should feel or what you should want. Everyone has their own way of doing things, mine would be at the polar opposite to yours but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what you're doing. It just means that everyone is different.

I wouldn't be feeling the need to defend yourself here. You've clearly led quite a silver spoon life, and that's going to grate on some people. I have a friend like you, and I cannot relate to her upbringing or some of her opinions and decisions whatsoever, but that doesn't make them wrong. They're right for her.

You are lucky to have such a supportive family and a privileged lifestyle. Go and enjoy it and don't look for your validation from people on the internet - because honestly, you won't get it.

tea and coffee · 06-04-2020 5:04pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.

Well then why did you post in the first place if you are happy with the arrangement?
This isn't meant as an attack on you- just have a think about why in your heart of hearts you posed the question in the first place, And make sure you are ok with your answer.

qwerty13 · 07-04-2020 2:32am

I’d had the hump with lots of your posts. Let’s not go there.

But: you seem to be going along with everyone else’s opinions re your wedding day. And your marriage. And your living together. And your house. And your family. And the price of them paying for it.

I’m genuinely not getting at you when you when I ask if you know what you want, for yourself? The way you describe you and your partner sounds like brother and sister. And ‘getting along’ as though it’s something to put up with. It’s like you’re valuing a big house over a loving relationship. I’m not even sure what to say to you.

eviltwin · 07-04-2020 9:42am

Teach30 wrote: »

Of course I am in love with him. I dont really get what you mean by settling? I think it sounds like a very good lifestyle. What more is there, keeping in mind I’m engaged to a farmer so obviously there are limitations attached to that. I’m not bothered by foreign holidays - never was, so it wouldnt bother my if I didn’t get a week in the sun etc. I like a simple life.

It sounds materially good but a comfortable lifestyle is no substitute for happy relationship. Look I don't know you or your fiance, maybe you will both be very happy. I'm just going on your posts here and they sound like you are doing everything for security and convenience and to keep other people happy.

How well do you know your fiance. Have you ever lived with him, been away together, stayed over? Have you any experience of what it's like to live with him at all?

Stepping Stone · 07-04-2020 9:48am

PoisonIvyBelle wrote: »

You are lucky to have such a supportive family and a privileged lifestyle. Go and enjoy it and don't look for your validation from people on the internet - because honestly, you won't get it.

Unfortunately based on previous threads, while the OP’s family are financially supportive, that’s where it ends. Emotional support is not something that they provide and if I recall correctly, the wedding and house contributions are in lieu of an inheritance, so the financial support is going to disappear soon too.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 11:53am

tea and coffee wrote: »

Well then why did you post in the first place if you are happy with the arrangement?
This isn't meant as an attack on you- just have a think about why in your heart of hearts you posed the question in the first place, And make sure you are ok with your answer.

I originally posted because I wanted some coping strategies for for running a house, I’m nervous about that aspect. I’m not very good with organising, finances etc. Thanks to everyone who gave me sound advice on this aspect.

Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad to get out. I dont have a personal plan for the next few years I really just live day to day. Which is something I will have to re-evaluate going forward.

I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged, it’s not, it’s the norm for a lot of country people I know. Yes I’m being provided for financially but that would be only right considering the gain my siblings are getting also. They’re getting far more than I am. If I stayed at home I’d get more out of it financially but I’m not.

I’d no one else to talk to so I posted here. I didn’t realise people wouldn’t relate.

eviltwin · 07-04-2020 12:00pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad.

This is the bit I don't get. Why is it a choice between marriage or living at home? Apologies if I'm picking it up wrong but it reads as though the marriage is a way of escaping a home life you aren't happy in. You have other options, don't lose sight of that.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 12:04pm

eviltwin wrote: »

This is the bit I don't get. Why is it a choice between marriage or living at home? Apologies if I'm picking it up wrong but it reads as though the marriage is a way of escaping a home life you aren't happy in. You have other options, don't lose sight of that.

Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.

eviltwin · 07-04-2020 12:27pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way.

Would that be so bad? You might surprise yourself at how well you manage and how much you enjoy it.

But why would you lose out on your inheritance? You'd still be entitled to your share when your parents pass away.

Hannibal_Smith · 07-04-2020 1:11pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.

Are you sure your option is easier. What if the workload is too much. And you don't talk to your fiance. Will you be expected to give up work 5 or so years down the line?

Sometimes when you look from the outside in, a situation can look so daunting. But when you're in the thick of it, it's not as bad as it looked.

You work together in a marriage and you figure your lives out together. If something isn't working, talk about it and compromise to fix it. You don't have to keep all these worries about responsibilities to yourself. And you don't have to take all the responsibilities on yourself.

How do you mean you would lose your inheritance if you moved out of home? I would wonder whether there is an element of control coming from your home life that's driving you forward. Did you say you're coming from a farming background yourself? Could you be doing what is expected of you, rather than what makes you happy?

strandroad · 07-04-2020 1:13pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad to get out.

That's positively grim OP. There are many more options beyong those two but you are unwilling to acknowledge them. Why?

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 1:36pm

strandroad wrote: »

That's positively grim OP. There are many more options beyong those two but you are unwilling to acknowledge them. Why?

Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.

Sardonicat · 07-04-2020 1:42pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.

That's really sad. Most people crave independence. You sound institutionalised. Did your family have a say in what career you chose, where to build your house, etc.?

Ballso · 07-04-2020 1:52pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged.

Not sure "privileged" is the word that springs to mind when reading about your life.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 2:28pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

That's really sad. Most people crave independence. You sound institutionalised. Did your family have a say in what career you chose, where to build your house, etc.?

No they’d no say in any of that, just very encouraging educationally. I never wanted for anything that way. I’ve lived away for college and my job but never had to work until finished college. I enjoy coming home and then it made sense to live here rent free so that I could put money into saving. I also got to a point where I hated living with other people.

Yea I’m not very independent I definitely blame my parents for that.

eviltwin · 07-04-2020 2:33pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.

Living on your own, or with friends, living with your fiance first before you commit to marriage....

You say you want the simple life but nothing is simple about the life you are marrying into. Fair enough if that's always been your dream but it sounds like it's an escape. I don't think its particularly fair on your husband to be either tbh.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 2:58pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Living on your own, or with friends, living with your fiance first before you commit to marriage....

You say you want the simple life but nothing is simple about the life you are marrying into. Fair enough if that's always been your dream but it sounds like it's an escape. I don't think its particularly fair on your husband to be either tbh.

I’ve lived with other people - didn’t like it. All my own friends are married/ in relationships so can’t live with them. No interest in living on my own. Can’t live with fiancé as house isn't finished yet. Not paying rent and suffering expenses for a longer commute - I’d rather put that money into the house.

Realistically this is the only option that suits me. I just need to sort out my head and learn a few bits.

Sardonicat · 07-04-2020 3:42pm

Teach30 wrote: »

No they’d no say in any of that, just very encouraging educationally. I never wanted for anything that way. I’ve lived away for college and my job but never had to work until finished college. I enjoy coming home and then it made sense to live here rent free so that I could put money into saving. I also got to a point where I hated living with other people.

Yea I’m not very independent I definitely blame my parents for that.

It's time to stop blaming your parents. While you can understand their role in your lack of independence it's up to you now to change it. Once you turned 18 you became an adult and the choice was yours, as an adult, to return home and live rent free and not lift a finger. You do have some responsibility in this. Many people would not feel comfortable with the choices you made here in terms of their self respect. Most people would wish to contribute in some way to their upkeep as adults, even when they are saving for a mortgage. Take on the utility bills. Take on sole responsiity of a particular household task. Take on the grocery shopping. If you were not 'allowed' do any of these things did your sense of self agency not baulk? Did yoy not feel embarrassed as an adult who was being treated like a child?You need to remove yourself from a family who infantalises you. It's toxic and about control.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 4:57pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's time to stop blaming your parents. While you can understand their role in your lack of independence it's up to you now to change it. Once you turned 18 you became an adult and the choice was yours, as an adult, to return home and live rent free and not lift a finger. You do have some responsibility in this. Many people would not feel comfortable with the choices you made here in terms of their self respect. Most people would wish to contribute in some way to their upkeep as adults, even when they are saving for a mortgage. Take on the utility bills. Take on sole responsiity of a particular household task. Take on the grocery shopping. If you were not 'allowed' do any of these things did your sense of self agency not baulk? Did yoy not feel embarrassed as an adult who was being treated like a child?You need to remove yourself from a family who infantalises you. It's toxic and about control.

They’d never take money for utility bills etc none of my siblings did so forget that. They wanted me to save. I’ll offer to milk the cows and see what they say - oh wait that’s not my job, I have a degree so I’ll use that which is what they want.

No not at all embarrassed by any of it. I suppose that’s where my laziness comes in, I never really have to do much. Can’t change the past now anyways. I can only live in hope that I’ll be good at managing a house myself.

afkasurfjunkie · 07-04-2020 4:59pm

Are ye planning to have kids in the future? I feel like I can picture this thread in 5 years time. House finished but not paid for. Both of you unhappy. Husband giving out because there’s no action in the bedroom and you swamped with work, house and babies. I don’t think you’ve once said that you’re deeply in love with your other half. I don’t get a sense of that spark of excitement when you are both planning a life together. It seems like you are both settling. Reads like something from the 1950’s if I’m being honest.

Sardonicat · 07-04-2020 5:15pm

Teach30 wrote: »

They’d never take money for utility bills etc none of my siblings did so forget that. They wanted me to save. I’ll offer to milk the cows and see what they say - oh wait that’s not my job, I have a degree so I’ll use that which is what they want.

No not at all embarrassed by any of it. I suppose that’s where my laziness comes in, I never really have to do much. Can’t change the past now anyways. I can only live in hope that I’ll be good at managing a house myself.

That's my point, OP A lot of patents are happy to support their adult children and don't expect anything in return. Most adult children are deeply uncomfortable with that and insist on giving or doing something even as a token. It's about self respect! If they are refusing all help you have to get some self respect. Having a degree does not preclude you from milking cows, grocery shopping, cleaning a toilet, paying a bill. If your parents aren't slowing you to express your ability to take care of yourselfyourself and contribute to your own upkeep they do not have your best interests at heart. Your comment about having a degree is laughable. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own sctions. . You sound like an entitled teenager!

Carson10 · 07-04-2020 5:16pm

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

Best of luck OP. Hope everything goes your way and I'm sure it will after a few months and you adjust to your new life.

Have you always wanted to get married and live this life? Maybe you are feeling nostalgic about coming to the end of your current situation, that you may not have as much freedom, and you wont be living at home where you have always felt, comfortable, safe and secure. You may feel that the moment you get married, a switch will flick and you will be expected to turn into the perfect and composed wife and your old life will be gone.

Its normal to question things at this time.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 6:51pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

That's my point, OP A lot of patents are happy to support their adult children and don't expect anything in return. Most adult children are deeply uncomfortable with that and insist on giving or doing something even as a token. It's about self respect! If they are refusing all help you have to get some self respect. Having a degree does not preclude you from milking cows, grocery shopping, cleaning a toilet, paying a bill. If your parents aren't slowing you to express your ability to take care of yourselfyourself and contribute to your own upkeep they do not have your best interests at heart. Your comment about having a degree is laughable. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own sctions. . You sound like an entitled teenager!

Most, but not all would be. I received an education so yes it does preclude me from milking cows, I have nothing to do with that. Just in case I’d feel the entitlement to inherit a farm.

As for the rest I’m not great at it but I’ll have to learn. Yes I’m very entitled but that’s been bred into me. The rest of us are like that too.

It’s hard having no mine to talk to, I’ve been mocked by my mother for expressing how I feel. Been told to get over myself isn’t everyone in the same boat when they get married etc.

It great being at work as I avoid thinking about all this but I’ve too much time lately.

rainbowtrout · 07-04-2020 6:53pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged, it’s not, it’s the norm for a lot of country people I know. Yes I’m being provided for financially but that would be only right considering the gain my siblings are getting also. They’re getting far more than I am. If I stayed at home I’d get more out of it financially but I’m not.

I’d no one else to talk to so I posted here. I didn’t realise people wouldn’t relate.

Teach30 wrote: »

Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.

So you're in it for the money, which has to be on your parents terms? That's a terribly sad way to live for an adult. You say that you could live on your own but you'd lose out on your inheritance. That presumably means that you've been told if you move out you won't get a penny. And the post above that smacks of entitlement, that you think you should be entitled to money from your parents. You're an adult, you're not entitled to anything. Your parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it does sound like they have you over a barrel, if you want the lifestyle you are so accustomed to: spending money on designer gear most people can't afford, then you will live under their roof and do as they say. I'd hate to have so little self respect for myself. It seems like a massive compromise for an adult to make to live by their parents rules so they can spend money on designer shoes and handbags.

strandroad · 07-04-2020 7:05pm

Teach30 wrote: »

It’s hard having no mine to talk to, I’ve been mocked by my mother for expressing how I feel. Been told to get over myself isn’t everyone in the same boat when they get married etc.

It great being at work as I avoid thinking about all this but I’ve too much time lately.

I feel genuinely sorry for you OP, you have been really spoiled in many ways by your upbringing, but also conditioned to accept that you can only live in a certain way (inherit a farm or run a household, whether it's for a husband or for elderly parents) and have to accept what your family accepted for themselves. From one straitjacket to another, otherwise you lose your sense of direction and are helpless. You are finding solace and illusion of control in valuable objects or idiosyncrasies such as how to cut up fruit the right way. There is no life or spark in your description of your fiance or your life together; you're going to be like your mother, only with more load because of work. You will leave your life behind and in return you won't have anyone to open your mouth to until 9PM when he comes back knackered. You will be able to wash the pans and cut up your fruit the way you like it. I am not mocking you in case the tone does not come out right, I feel it's very sad that you accept it all as is.

Sardonicat · 07-04-2020 7:42pm

Strandoad has nailed it, OP. Read their post over and over again. You have never really been your own woman, and if things continue as is, you never will be. And you will not be OK with that. Nobody can be. Eventually, something's gotta give.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 8:11pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

So you're in it for the money, which has to be on your parents terms? That's a terribly sad way to live for an adult. You say that you could live on your own but you'd lose out on your inheritance. That presumably means that you've been told if you move out you won't get a penny. And the post above that smacks of entitlement, that you think you should be entitled to money from your parents. You're an adult, you're not entitled to anything. Your parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it does sound like they have you over a barrel, if you want the lifestyle you are so accustomed to: spending money on designer gear most people can't afford, then you will live under their roof and do as they say. I'd hate to have so little self respect for myself. It seems like a massive compromise for an adult to make to live by their parents rules so they can spend money on designer shoes and handbags.

But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? I work hard enough and shopping is a hobby, just the same as going out at the weekends or going on a few holidays a year would be for others.

If I move out and live in my own I’d lose out on a house worth a fair bit so I dont see the point in losing out not at my age. I’d obviously get something but not as much. Also do you not think it’d be fairly ignorant to just move out and live on my own leave them after all they’ve done for me? Just my take on it.

Teach30 · 07-04-2020 8:15pm

strandroad wrote: »

I feel genuinely sorry for you OP, you have been really spoiled in many ways by your upbringing, but also conditioned to accept that you can only live in a certain way (inherit a farm or run a household, whether it's for a husband or for elderly parents) and have to accept what your family accepted for themselves. From one straitjacket to another, otherwise you lose your sense of direction and are helpless. You are finding solace and illusion of control in valuable objects or idiosyncrasies such as how to cut up fruit the right way. There is no life or spark in your description of your fiance or your life together; you're going to be like your mother, only with more load because of work. You will leave your life behind and in return you won't have anyone to open your mouth to until 9PM when he comes back knackered. You will be able to wash the pans and cut up your fruit the way you like it. I am not mocking you in case the tone does not come out right, I feel it's very sad that you accept it all as is.

Right so what would you call a better lifestyle, I’m genuinely interested to know.

I’ve obviously only been exposed to one particular lifestyle so I’m curious as to what else there is.

lozenges · 07-04-2020 8:16pm

Teach30 wrote: »

But I’ve loads of respect for myself. Just because I don’t conform to the way other people act doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I like designer handbags, shoes, interiors.. That’s where I like to spend my own money. Nothing wrong with that is there? I work hard enough and shopping is a hobbit, just the same as going out or going on a few holidays a year would be for others.

If I move out and live in my own I’d lose out on a house worth a fair bit so I dont see the point in losing out not at my age. I’d obviously get something but not as much. Also do you not think it’d be fairly ignorant to just move out and live on my own leave them after all they’ve done for me? Just my take on it.

I think parents who have a healthy relationship with their children and want the best for them want them to be independent and carve their own path in life.

You can live in a different house to someone, it doesn't mean you're abandoning them or forgetting about them, or can't have a good relationship with them.

Living together

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