Living together

Teach30 · 30-03-2020 11:12pm #1

Due to move in with my fiancé in a few months, well once the current situation is over and we get married. Wedding is currently up in the air so I am nervous about that.

I’m very much looking forward to the next step but at minute I’m worried about it all. Managing finances, time management, running a house, working, cooking, cleaning, washing has me all up in a heap. I can cope with doing it all but it the huge feeling of pressure I am experiencing at the minute has me feeling depressed and down. I am very unmotivated, sleeping a lot and taking it out on others. My family would have zero sympathy and are not the type for talking.

Has anyone coping strategies. Thanks.

Upforthematch · 30-03-2020 11:17pm

Hi there,

Thinking of the wedding is bound to be adding a lot of stress so be good to yourself, many in your situation would be the same.

Little practical things like getting exercise, making lists and fitting in a daily treat (whatever makes you happy) are always a good start.

Could you have a chat with your bridemaids maybe to destress?

Alf Veedersane · 30-03-2020 11:20pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Due to move in with my fiancé in a few months, well once the current situation is over and we get married. Wedding is currently up in the air so I am nervous about that.

I’m very much looking forward to the next step but at minute I’m worried about it all. Managing finances, time management, running a house, working, cooking, cleaning, washing has me all up in a heap. I can cope with doing it all but it the huge feeling of pressure I am experiencing at the minute has me feeling depressed and down. I am very unmotivated, sleeping a lot and taking it out on others. My family would have zero sympathy and are not the type for talking.

Has anyone coping strategies. Thanks.

Two things:

1) It sounds like you're taking on the pressure of doing absolutely everything in what is supposed to be a partnership, and

2) You need to speak to your fiancé about it rather than cope alone.

Ok, three things....(3) the current circumstances has shrouded everything in a degree of uncertainty so that has fed into every facet of our lives.

A chat with your fiancé would hopefully clear it up. You shouldn't have to be working AND 'managing the house' AND cooking AND cleaning AND washing AND everything else. What would be be doing?

Talking together and managing things together should make a world of difference.

Teach30 · 30-03-2020 11:52pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Two things:

1) It sounds like you're taking on the pressure of doing absolutely everything in what is supposed to be a partnership, and

2) You need to speak to your fiancé about it rather than cope alone.

Ok, three things....(3) the current circumstances has shrouded everything in a degree of uncertainty so that has fed into every facet of our lives.

A chat with your fiancé would hopefully clear it up. You shouldn't have to be working AND 'managing the house' AND cooking AND cleaning AND washing AND everything else. What would be be doing?

Talking together and managing things together should make a world of difference.

See he’s a farmer works from 6 til 9 so I will have to do those jobs. That’s fine I know what I’m getting getting myself into and I’m sure he will help when he can. It’s just very daunting taking it all on.

My bridesmaid is a friend but not one I would really share this with. I dont really have close friends. I know she wouldn’t really understand what I’m experiencing.

I’ve tried making lists before but i dont tend to have them motivation to stick to them. I don’t Get that sense of satisfaction some people do from
Ticking them.

I’ve been very lazy lately not doing as much work as I should be and I mope around the house all day. This is even from before CV began. I come home from work and straight to bed.

I’ve a good balanced diet, just very lethargic towards life.

Faith · 31-03-2020 10:05am

What's the reason for not moving in together before the wedding?

I'm not surprised you're feeling under a lot of pressure right now. Everyone is just with the CV situation, but you're also planning a wedding (hugely stressful) AND planning to move in with someone for the first time (hugely stressful). For most of us, we move in with a person first as a transitional stage, so we can get used to that part before marrying someone. It seems like you've taken a very old-fashioned route, only back in the day, women wouldn't have been working on top of running homes once they were married (typically, anyway, and they probably would have had a lot of family help).

In terms of coping, if you'll both be working full-time, can you hire a cleaner to take that job from you?

What do you do right now? I believe from your previous posts that you live with your parents. How do you help out around the house there? What extra will you be doing when you move in with your husband that you don't do now?

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 10:59am

Lots of people work long hours and manage household tasks, too. Who does these things for him now? Will you be working outside the home as well?

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 11:21am

Faith wrote: »

What's the reason for not moving in together before the wedding?

In terms of coping, if you'll both be working full-time, can you hire a cleaner to take that job from you?

What do you do right now? I believe from your previous posts that you live with your parents. How do you help out around the house there? What extra will you be doing when you move in with your husband that you don't do now?

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

woodchuck · 31-03-2020 11:40am

OP, personally I think it's a terrible idea to get married before you've lived together.

Given the current situation with the coronavirus, could you use that as an excuse to postpone the wedding for another year or so? Honestly, I think you need to see what living together would really be like before you commit to each other for life. If there's a possibility that it'll be as bad as you expect, is that a life you'd be happy with?

Alf Veedersane · 31-03-2020 11:43am

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

You're unnecessarily overwhelming yourself by thoughts of messing it up.

It strikes me as analogous to my wife and cooking. For years after we were going out, she did very little cooking beyond anything that just required turning on the oven and putting prepared food in for the time specificed on the packaging. She had no confidence that she could make something and not make a mess of it. Until she tried. The first few efforts were grand - nothing to write home about but no one was poisoned. Before long, she was confident enough she could make something decent that everyone would like and it doesn't cost her a thought.

The moral of the story is that she thought she couldn't and thought she would make a mess of it. But then she tried and while she didn't get it 100% right at the start, she didn't get it 100% wrong and got better and more confident in time.

And so will you. You'll figure it out but you'll need to do it together and while that may not always mean a 50/50 split on housework, there has to be understanding and support and occasionally taking workload from you. Or modifying things to help you etc etc.

You will be fine

Ballso · 31-03-2020 11:47am

Why would you marry someone who you've never lived with, who plans on working twelve hours a day as a matter of course and leaves you to "run the house" alone? Sounds like a recipe for the sort of miserable existence enjoyed by Irish women in the 1950s.

qwerty13 · 31-03-2020 11:55am

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

You’ve said that your house is being paid for. So you don’t have that worry compared to 99% PF people.

So is your real worry that you won’t get on as a couple? I’d echo Woodchucks advice then - live together first, it is essential in my book.

lastusername · 31-03-2020 12:11pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose we had no place to live and it was convenient for us both to stay at home and save for a house so that why we both currently live with parents.

I Obviously do a few bits around the house here but nothing major. I come home from work to my dinner made for me most days. I think the thoughts of running a house frightens me, I pay very few bills at the moment and I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.
all my life I have only had to think of myself and suddenly I’ll have to cope with everything on my own.

It’s much easier to bury my head in the sand, everyone thinks I’m coping fine but deep down my head is bursting and I feel under immense pressure to get it all right.

OP, it might be a surprise to hear (hopefully a pleasant one!), that what you're feeling right now has zero to do with running a house, etc, and 100% to do with the racing thoughts you are having about running a house, etc.

In other words, if you were feeling calm and clear in general, you wouldn't have this same feeling - it's purely down to your thoughts in this moment.

When these settle down, you'll find your perspective on the situation will change. I have no doubt you're able to wash a few dishes and make a few meals (not suggesting you do ALL of that obviously), it's just it only looks right now that it's a big ask for you.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:15pm

Ballso wrote: »

Why would you marry someone who you've never lived with, who plans on working twelve hours a day as a matter of course and leaves you to "run the house" alone? Sounds like a recipe for the sort of miserable existence enjoyed by Irish women in the 1950s.

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:17pm

lastusername wrote: »

OP, it might be a surprise to hear (hopefully a pleasant one!), that what you're feeling right now has zero to do with running a house, etc, and 100% to do with the racing thoughts you are having about running a house, etc.

In other words, if you were feeling calm and clear in general, you wouldn't have this same feeling - it's purely down to your thoughts in this moment.

When these settle down, you'll find your perspective on the situation will change. I have no doubt you're able to wash a few dishes and make a few meals (not suggesting you do ALL of that obviously), it's just it only looks right now that it's a big ask for you.

Your probably right, I do have far too much time to think lately. Thank you for your positivity.

Ballso · 31-03-2020 12:18pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

You can't talk to your fiancee about it?

lastusername · 31-03-2020 12:19pm

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

That's exactly what I am driving at and you're even seeing it yourself

I guess you can talk to us...but also if you can see it's just anxious thoughts and there's nothing you need to do about them, then maybe they'll fall away naturally by themselves.

You know you'll manage it when it comes up, you'll do that naturally. What if everything else around is a bit like noise and just your mind making up stories, as it often does?

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:21pm

Ballso wrote: »

You can't talk to your fiancee about it?

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

strandroad · 31-03-2020 12:25pm

Teach30 wrote: »

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

Who's doing his cooking, cleaning and bills paying now?

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 12:26pm

No one is berating you. You DO NOT have to take on all those roles yourself. Unless you want to, of course. There are ways of splitting up different tasks between you. It may not evenly split but there are roles he can take on, like adding detergent and conditioner to a washing machine pre loaded with clothes and switching it on before he leaves the house in the morning so the wash us ready when you get up. Like cleaning the shower/bath after himself when he's finished using it (like most adults do). Like taking responsibility for the cleaning if his work clothes. Like rinsing his own plates and cutlery and putting them in the dishwasher and wiping down the table and counters after himself. If he can't do these things for himself you are marrying a child. If you just keep telling yourself 'that's full time farming" and accept it then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Teyla Emmagan · 31-03-2020 12:26pm

Why are you waiting to get married? Your wedding could be postponed anyway at the rate things are going. If the two of you have somewhere to live together now I would just bite the bullet. It will put your mind at ease. Or it may stop you making an awful mistake. But I think being just married and running a house all day by yourself could be too much to take on. You should bite it off in chunks.

Pencil Neck · 31-03-2020 12:28pm

Teach30 wrote: »

See he’s a farmer works from 6 til 9 so I will have to do those jobs. That’s fine I know what I’m getting getting myself into and I’m sure he will help when he can. It’s just very daunting taking it all on.

My bridesmaid is a friend but not one I would really share this with. I dont really have close friends. I know she wouldn’t really understand what I’m experiencing.

I’ve tried making lists before but i dont tend to have them motivation to stick to them. I don’t Get that sense of satisfaction some people do from
Ticking them.

I’ve been very lazy lately not doing as much work as I should be and I mope around the house all day. This is even from before CV began. I come home from work and straight to bed.

I’ve a good balanced diet, just very lethargic towards life.

He is only working 3 hours a day and won’t help around the house ? Sounds a lazy lout.

Ballso · 31-03-2020 12:31pm

Teach30 wrote: »

He says I’ll be grand and to stop thinking about it. But he knows I have a point too.

He says to stop thinking about it. He's getting a full time domestic servant for himself, it's no wonder.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:34pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

No one is berating you. You DO NOT have to take on all those roles yourself. Unless you want to, of course. There are ways of splitting up different tasks between you. It may not evenly split but there are roles he can take on, like adding detergent and conditioner to a washing machine pre loaded with clothes and switching it on before he leaves the house in the morning so the wash us ready when you get up. Like cleaning the shower/bath after himself when he's finished using it (like most adults do). Like taking responsibility for the cleaning if his work clothes. Like rinsing his own plates and cutlery and putting them in the dishwasher and wiping down the table and counters after himself. If he can't do these things for himself you are marrying a child. If you just keep telling yourself 'that's full time farming" and accept it then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Ok yes they are little things we can both do but he’s not going to time to put out his washing or hoover, do the food shop, clean windows, prepare meals, wash up saucepans, clean the fire, etc. he lives with his parents his mam does all this for him at the moment too. He’ll do what he can but it’s managing my own time i find difficult at the best of times. I am used to doing nothing.

We have no furniture for house at moment so can’t move in until all this is over.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:35pm

Pencil Neck wrote: »

He is only working 3 hours a day and won’t help around the house ? Sounds a lazy lout.

Ha no sorry that’s 6am to 9pm and then had cows to calve so up at night too.

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 12:40pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Ok yes they are little things we can both do but he’s not going to time to put out his washing or hoover, do the food shop, clean windows, prepare meals, wash up saucepans, clean the fire, etc. he lives with his parents his mam does all this for him at the moment too. He’ll do what he can but it’s managing my own time i find difficult at the best of times. I am used to doing nothing.

We have no furniture for house at moment so can’t move in until all this is over.

My friends husband is a full time farmer. As soon as he comes in at night he strips off his dirty farming clothes and puts them in the washing machine and switches it on, all by himself. Then he gets into the downstairs shower which he then cleans after he uses it. No time to put demergent, fabric softener in a machine full of clothes and press the on button? Please, that takes less than a minute! C'mon OP, you are coming across as a martyr. If he was living alone who'd do this for him?

determinedlass · 31-03-2020 12:42pm

I'd listen to SARDONICAT & BALLSO. It's not a case of if he works more, he should do less around the house (which would be fair). Instead he works 15 hours a day, almost as a reason so that he doesn't have to do anything else.

Either mammy does everything for him (washes clothes, cooks dinner, buys food and toiletries, takes the plate away to wash after dinner etc.) so he hasn't have to mature or he does these things now and thinks once he is married; that will be your job.

I'm from a farming background - I KNOW the hours involved- lack of weekends etc. I also know the positives. However don't let the positives be for him only! How will you cope when children come along? It is possible to farm and do his fair share as a partner. Don't let yourself be a laying hen!

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 12:50pm

determinedlass wrote: »

I'd listen to SARDONICAT & BALLSO. It's not a case of if he works more, he should do less around the house (which would be fair). Instead he works 15 hours a day, almost as a reason so that he doesn't have to do anything else.

Either mammy does everything for him (washes clothes, cooks dinner, buys food and toiletries, takes the plate away to wash after dinner etc.) so he hasn't have to mature or he does these things now and thinks once he is married; that will be your job.

I'm from a farming background - I KNOW the hours involved- lack of weekends etc. I also know the positives. However don't let the positives be for him only! How will you cope when children come along? It is possible to farm and do his fair share as a partner. Don't let yourself be a laying hen!

Oh god no if he could work less hours he would but he has no choice. His machinery etc are all old and prone to breakages, his set up isn’t very modern so things take longer.

I come from a farm too and I’m used to everything being done for me. I think that’s the real deep down problem. Now I’m going to have to do everything like my own mother has done except I will have to work outside the home too. I want my own money so not giving it up.

I’m not saying he will do nothing around the house I know he will but I will have to take it all on.
He works much harder than me, I’m used to doing nothing much at home.

I’m quite lazy really.

dory · 31-03-2020 12:55pm

Maybe you should get some practice in now. We're all lazy at times. I would be very lazy if I lived at home but I live alone so have no choice.

You could practice now by making your parents a few meals, doing a bit of cleaning.

I think what someone up there said is very important and you'll have a miserable life if you don't remember it - What would he do if he lived alone?? I know farmers who live alone and they work long hours and still do all the household tasks you mention.

strandroad · 31-03-2020 12:56pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I’m quite lazy really.

It's not lazy to have concerns about running an entire household while working..

lastusername · 31-03-2020 2:09pm

I'm amazed that you say you do nothing around the house OP

Like do you mean you eat your dinner and then your mam picks up your plate and washes it or puts it in the dishwasher, etc?!

It could be good to start doing a few bits and pieces to acclimatise to it a bit. I have a family member who also lives on a farm with his wife, and they are both alike in that they don't seem to care at all about dirt or tidiness, with the result that everything is...well dirty a lot of the time and just really not great surroundings!

Some people might not mind that at all, but good to keep it in mind that you probably want to start out just doing the basics to keep things fairly clean and tidy. Up to you and your future husband though, if you have similar 'standards' then it might not be a big deal that way!

pwurple · 31-03-2020 2:37pm

It's fear of the unknown here? You can do it! And it's just the two of you I assume, he's not coming out of the box with 6 kids, right? It's fine for two people.

You know how to shop already. You do the shopping for your parents at the moment.

Cooking you can learn, and you can do that now from home. Try a few things, ask your parents for help if you need it. You only need a very simple set of base things you can cook, and you're set. Can you put pork chops in an oven for 20 minutes? It's easy.
Breakfast is toast / porridge, lunch is sandwiches, so it's just one meal a day. What do you both like to eat? Learn 5 or 6 meals and repeat.

You're a teacher, so you are able to handle a spreadsheet. Use that to budget for a household, it's fairly simple. Don't kill yourself with it, it's very straightforward.

Laundry, you can make as simple or as complicated as you like. I throw everything in on delicates and that's it. Other people separate darks from coloured and do various fabrics different ways. It's as hard as you make it.

Neyite · 31-03-2020 4:16pm

Teach30 wrote: »

That’s farming life. Do you know any large scale full time farmers? If he gets a new parlour in a few years it will give him more free time.

I really have no problem living seperately until we are married. I’m more worried about coping with running a house, managing finances, doing the food shop, staying on top of bills, all those things that I don’t currently do.

I know it sounds silly but it’s a real pressure. I didn’t come here to be berated for my life decisions. I know I will cope when I am put in the situation it’s just the lead up has me very anxious and I have no one to talk to about it all.

I come from a rural background so I know all the hours that go into farming. You fear the unknown but to be honest, if you break it down into bite sizes it will be fine.

With online banking and all that now, I pay the rent and utilities on my phone with the other eye on Netflix. There's not a lot of time involved there. Phonecalls I do on the commute to work or back. We have a joint account that we put in an agreed amount each and all our bills and house stuff comes out of that. Add up what your outgoings are likely to be, divide it up whatever way is fair for you both - I'd suggest a ratio or % of your current earnings because if/when you are on statutory maternity pay or decide to go part time, your share will remain in proportion to your reduced income.

Some couples are very structured. Myself and OH aren't. Anything that comes into our house belongs to both, regardlenss of who's account it's in. We discuss what we need to buy or budget for and whoever has the money at the time coughs up - but that only works because we both have similar spending norms, and neither of us are tight with money.

Cleaning - either get into a routine where you whizz around for an hour a day doing the bits and pieces or just get a cleaner in for a few hours. It sounds like you are going into a traditional set up of being the housewife - well, housewives got the time during the day to do their house. You don't if you work so either you opt to go part time or just get a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big stuff like floors or bathrooms.

Food shop - get an app. Plan our your meals for the week, add the things you need to the app list and get either on your way home one evening or I tend to go in on a Saturday afternoon, I plug in my headphones and it's actually very relaxing -for me anyway, it could be someone else's idea of hell. You could also get an app for a supermarket, add what you need when you need it and get it all delivered.

Cooking - nobody is an instant cook. We all had to learn. For now, pick a new recipe or get one from your own mother to try once a month. Each month pick something new and in a year you'll have a range of meals you can do and be confident doing quickly when you get home. Things like slow cookers help as well. Or batch cooking in bulk once a month and freezing loads of lasange/ shepherds pies etc. You'll get the hang of it.

Finally, I know he will work long hours 7 days a week, but that doesn't mean you should be picking his pants off the floor where he dropped them, he can put things in the laundry, his lunch plates in the dishwasher, take his wellies off outside so as not to muck the floor you've just washed and not make MORE work for you. Wife does not equal slave. Nothing will kill a loving relationship more than someone who expects you do clean up in their wake so a bit of respect from a partner is essential if you carry the overall responsibility of cleaning. You'll find your feet. It might take a few months to figure out what works for you but you'll get there.

Loveinapril · 31-03-2020 4:58pm

Pwurple, Dory and Neyite have great advice- identify the areas you need help in and start learning. Take on a few responsibilities at home, cook for your parents a few nights a week, look after your own laundry, tidy up after dinner, vacuum the house etc. Start treating your family home like your own future home. If your mam is reluctant to let you do this (many Irish mammies would be) tell her your intentions and she may have some housekeeping tips for you. Start looking at different providers in your area (TV, electricity, wifi etc) and check out prices. Write lists, speak with your fiance about your concerns. He may have skills in an area you are lacking in. I would also be a big advocate of living with someone before marriage. No matter how much you like someone, there will ALWAYS be teething problems when you first start living together. If he expects you to just replace his mammy when you move in together, it will not start off well, especially if you aren't comfortable slipping into that role.

Stepping Stone · 31-03-2020 5:03pm

What I am going to say may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it to be.

You’ve had a few threads about this issue before, about leaving home, being lonely and isolated and never being part of the family unit again. I feel really sorry for you in a way. You’re living a charmed life in a bubble but your family have never prepared you for real life. It’s hard leaving home but for most of us, it’s gradual. We gradually gain knowledge and skills. In a way, not having to save and budget for your wedding and home has done you no favours.

In your position, I would start to help your mother around the house. Learn skills, ask questions. Help. Her making meals and definitely clean up after.

As for things like laundry, you just need a routine. You’re getting brand new appliances. Load your machine in the morning and set a delay timer. Clothes washed when you get home. Get your husband to wash his work clothes immediately. It’s easy to tackle the small stuff, honestly. One bite at a time.

I think that the budget is going to be a big issue. Start by setting up an account for bills, etc. Transfer money for anything like that into it monthly or weekly. Work on your cooking and figure out what you can cook in batches. Big curry, pasta, stew, shop, cook, portion and freeze if necessary.

You can do the practical stuff, but what I am worried about is the emotional stuff. You’re obviously so sad to be leaving everything that you’ve ever known and that’s perfectly normal. I am almost 40 and love nothing more than being at home with my parents for a weekend, slipping back into the role of the child. I would love to be able to stay there for longer but unfortunately life isn’t that way and I have to go back to being an adult.

There’s nobody for you to talk to. You really need to talk to someone. I would really recommend that you talk to a counsellor. Honestly, my heart has broken for you when you have previously posted.

If you’re delaying your wedding, please go to see someone. Practical skills will come, but the emotional loads is huge. I know that it’s going to be very hard to just move away from your family and I think that you need a lot of help. Obviously nobody is going to talk to you in your circle so please find someone!

Faith · 31-03-2020 6:34pm

There are lots of good posts on this thread, and I particularly agree with Stepping Stone. It’s quite clear that all your advantages in life have really disadvantaged you in many ways, and that’s sad.

One thing it made me think about is children. If you plan to have kids, how do you want to raise them? Do you want them to have everything handed to them, as you did, only to reach adulthood and have all of these issues you’re facing? Or do you want them to grow up like most of the rest of us do, learning from a young age how to pull their weight and be independent? That’s something to decide with your future husband, and will heavily shape both of your roles in your home.

eviltwin · 31-03-2020 7:26pm

Living with someone for the first time is a huge learning curve. It took me the best part of a year to adjust and that was with a partner who worked reasonable hours and did half the donkey work. It sounds like you're heading for a lonely life with little down time. You can learn all the practical skills you need but it's the emotional side and potential loneliness I'd be concerned about. Would you not think you should live together for some time to get a taste of how married life will be.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 9:15pm

Stepping Stone wrote: »

What I am going to say may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it to be.

You’ve had a few threads about this issue before, about leaving home, being lonely and isolated and never being part of the family unit again. I feel really sorry for you in a way. You’re living a charmed life in a bubble but your family have never prepared you for real life. It’s hard leaving home but for most of us, it’s gradual. We gradually gain knowledge and skills. In a way, not having to save and budget for your wedding and home has done you no favours.

In your position, I would start to help your mother around the house. Learn skills, ask questions. Help. Her making meals and definitely clean up after.

As for things like laundry, you just need a routine. You’re getting brand new appliances. Load your machine in the morning and set a delay timer. Clothes washed when you get home. Get your husband to wash his work clothes immediately. It’s easy to tackle the small stuff, honestly. One bite at a time.

I think that the budget is going to be a big issue. Start by setting up an account for bills, etc. Transfer money for anything like that into it monthly or weekly. Work on your cooking and figure out what you can cook in batches. Big curry, pasta, stew, shop, cook, portion and freeze if necessary.

You can do the practical stuff, but what I am worried about is the emotional stuff. You’re obviously so sad to be leaving everything that you’ve ever known and that’s perfectly normal. I am almost 40 and love nothing more than being at home with my parents for a weekend, slipping back into the role of the child. I would love to be able to stay there for longer but unfortunately life isn’t that way and I have to go back to being an adult.

There’s nobody for you to talk to. You really need to talk to someone. I would really recommend that you talk to a counsellor. Honestly, my heart has broken for you when you have previously posted.

If you’re delaying your wedding, please go to see someone. Practical skills will come, but the emotional loads is huge. I know that it’s going to be very hard to just move away from your family and I think that you need a lot of help. Obviously nobody is going to talk to you in your circle so please find someone!

Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.

qwerty13 · 31-03-2020 9:17pm

Your family seem to have a load of money. You’re not paying for your wedding. I don’t think you’re paying for your house. You’re in a better position than 99% of people about wedding and house. So are either of those things really an issue??

It sounds to me that the wedding and house are not the issue. To me, it’s living with someone who you've just long term dated that is a screaming issue. You’re uncomfortable with it, and rightly so. People can get gushy about weddings, but long term, it’s a legal contract for the rest of your life. Of course you can get out of it- but at high financial cost.

Why are you lazy? You’re a grown up, old enough to get married. Come on now, start at least ‘practising’ for not behaving like an overgrown child. And your partner to be also sounds like he really needs to do the same.

It sounds like you’re about to enter a marriage of roles about 30 years ago. Do you really want that? Do you think that might have a source re your anxiety?

Sardonicat · 31-03-2020 9:19pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.

Maybe work on the perfectionism and need to do everything yourself. That seems to be the real issue. That doesn't have to be how you are and can ofren be what anxiety can dress itself up as.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 10:14pm

Neyite wrote: »

I come from a rural background so I know all the hours that go into farming. You fear the unknown but to be honest, if you break it down into bite sizes it will be fine.

With online banking and all that now, I pay the rent and utilities on my phone with the other eye on Netflix. There's not a lot of time involved there. Phonecalls I do on the commute to work or back. We have a joint account that we put in an agreed amount each and all our bills and house stuff comes out of that. Add up what your outgoings are likely to be, divide it up whatever way is fair for you both - I'd suggest a ratio or % of your current earnings because if/when you are on statutory maternity pay or decide to go part time, your share will remain in proportion to your reduced income.

Some couples are very structured. Myself and OH aren't. Anything that comes into our house belongs to both, regardlenss of who's account it's in. We discuss what we need to buy or budget for and whoever has the money at the time coughs up - but that only works because we both have similar spending norms, and neither of us are tight with money.

Cleaning - either get into a routine where you whizz around for an hour a day doing the bits and pieces or just get a cleaner in for a few hours. It sounds like you are going into a traditional set up of being the housewife - well, housewives got the time during the day to do their house. You don't if you work so either you opt to go part time or just get a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big stuff like floors or bathrooms.

Food shop - get an app. Plan our your meals for the week, add the things you need to the app list and get either on your way home one evening or I tend to go in on a Saturday afternoon, I plug in my headphones and it's actually very relaxing -for me anyway, it could be someone else's idea of hell. You could also get an app for a supermarket, add what you need when you need it and get it all delivered.

Cooking - nobody is an instant cook. We all had to learn. For now, pick a new recipe or get one from your own mother to try once a month. Each month pick something new and in a year you'll have a range of meals you can do and be confident doing quickly when you get home. Things like slow cookers help as well. Or batch cooking in bulk once a month and freezing loads of lasange/ shepherds pies etc. You'll get the hang of it.

Finally, I know he will work long hours 7 days a week, but that doesn't mean you should be picking his pants off the floor where he dropped them, he can put things in the laundry, his lunch plates in the dishwasher, take his wellies off outside so as not to muck the floor you've just washed and not make MORE work for you. Wife does not equal slave. Nothing will kill a loving relationship more than someone who expects you do clean up in their wake so a bit of respect from a partner is essential if you carry the overall responsibility of cleaning. You'll find your feet. It might take a few months to figure out what works for you but you'll get there.

Can I just say thank you for the constructive advice this has been most helpful.

A lot of it does come from the fact I think I will have to do it myself for it to be right, definitely a trait I picked up at home. We were never allowed so anything because it wouldn’t be done to my mams standards.

That’s why I never have to do much around the house.

I will try and talk myself out of such a mindset though.

zapper55 · 31-03-2020 10:21pm

Maybe theres an element of not doing much housework previously but I think its dawning on you that you are going to be expected to replace his mother and do all his housework as well as your own. Have you posted about this before? You raising the issue, him dismissing it and him being a farmer is very familiar.

I think best thing to do is to go for pre marriage counselling. And as an aside no matter the issue, whether it be housework or something more serious if you have a concern and his response is it'll be grand without actually addressing the issue that's not a strong partnership.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 10:23pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Your family seem to have a load of money. You’re not paying for your wedding. I don’t think you’re paying for your house. You’re in a better position than 99% of people about wedding and house. So are either of those things really an issue??

You’re uncomfortable with it, and rightly so. People can get gushy about weddings, but long term, it’s a legal contract for the rest of your life. Of course you can get out of it- but at high financial cost.

Why are you lazy?

Lazy because I never had to do much at home, we never were allowed.

Wedding and house are not an issue for us, we’ve been saving by living at home. It’s suited us both from that point of view. I suppose I looked at the long term picture more and wanted a nice, big house so decided to wait at home and save so that I could get it. We sacrificed living together for that.

As for getting out of it if it doesn’t suit, it would affect him more than me financially so I don’t see your point there.

Stepping Stone · 31-03-2020 10:34pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, no need to feel sorry for me. I realise I’ve had it very cushy. I have the skills to get by, I am well able to cook and clean. It’s the thoughts of doing it all is quite daunting.

As I said cushy/lazy life and yes it’s done me no favours as such.

God postpone the wedding is the last thing I would want, I hated every minute of planning it I find the pressure to get it right immense and going through all that again fill Me with anxiety and dread.
I am a perfectionist, I hate asking for help and I have to do things myself. No delegating.

Also just a recommendation that the fire brigade give, it’s not recommended to put electrical equipment on when leaving the house.

Look, to be blunt, reading your posts, everything gets paid for by someone else and it’s all about the high end designer stuff for you. You come across as being completely self absorbed and not able to see outside the bubble that you live in.

You’re used to having everything done for you, both of you. You’re not going to be paying a mortgage or a wedding loan. Hire a cleaner, hire window cleaners, pay a gardener, if you have kids, get a nanny! Pay for everything! It’s probably the easiest way to achieve perfection without doing any of the work. It’s also not available to about 99% of us, but that’s why we gradually became independent and learned all of the skills that we need in early adulthood. You’re living an unusually privileged life, so just do what you know.

Ironically, I do pity you. Your threads here have been about moving to your new home and being isolated from your family, your fiancé’s long hours, your detached relationships with your family. All the money in the world can’t buy happiness but you don’t seem to see that you’re coming across as deeply unhappy. You don’t seem to have anyone to talk to, not friends or family. Find someone. It’s very worrying not to be able to openly discuss and debate something with the person that you’re spending the rest of your life with. You need to fix that and fast.

Again, if this comes across as harsh, sorry but you’re heading for a very long and lonely life if you don’t do something.

qwerty13 · 31-03-2020 10:43pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Lazy because I never had to do much at home, we never were allowed.

Wedding and house are not an issue for us, we’ve been saving by living at home. It’s suited us both from that point of view. I suppose I looked at the long term picture more and wanted a nice, big house so decided to wait at home and save so that I could get it. We sacrificed living together for that.

As for getting out of it if it doesn’t suit, it would affect him more than me financially so I don’t see your point there.

The availability of money clearly isn’t an issue. But how you value money might be - as in you sacrificed intimacy in your relationship for a big house. As far as I recall, you weren’t paying for your house anyway (correct me if I’m wrong).

I think it’s worth considering if you value money / status more than relationships. I could be off beam there, but you talk about money and status a LOT.

If you genuinely want a very old fashioned traditional role as a wife, fair enough. It doesn’t sound like you do though. But you’re behaving like that, doing little practical stuff for yourself or others. And your partner to be sounds the same. Is that the life you want? Would you be happy being his replacement Mammy?

I genuinely think the deferral of the wedding has you thinking about what you want from a marriage / your life. Don’t waste the chance to do so.

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 11:09pm

Stepping Stone wrote: »

Look, to be blunt, reading your posts, everything gets paid for by someone else and it’s all about the high end designer stuff for you. You come across as being completely self absorbed and not able to see outside the bubble that you live in.

You’re used to having everything done for you, both of you. You’re not going to be paying a mortgage or a wedding loan. Hire a cleaner, hire window cleaners, pay a gardener, if you have kids, get a nanny! Pay for everything! It’s probably the easiest way to achieve perfection without doing any of the work. It’s also not available to about 99% of us, but that’s why we gradually became independent and learned all of the skills that we need in early adulthood. You’re living an unusually privileged life, so just do what you know.

Ironically, I do pity you. Your threads here have been about moving to your new home and being isolated from your family, your fiancé’s long hours, your detached relationships with your family. All the money in the world can’t buy happiness but you don’t seem to see that you’re coming across as deeply unhappy. You don’t seem to have anyone to talk to, not friends or family. Find someone. It’s very worrying not to be able to openly discuss and debate something with the person that you’re spending the rest of your life with. You need to fix that and fast.

Again, if this comes across as harsh, sorry but you’re heading for a very long and lonely life if you don’t do something.

Yea I am very self absorbed. I always have been.

I’ve to pay a mortgage eventually. I have people to talk to but I’d never want them to know any of this. It’s all a bit embarrassing really. Im not much of a talker anyways. My fiancé tells me he will help, I have spoken to him about all this and he tells me it will be a partnership and he will pull his weight and do what he can.

I know deep down though I will end up doing it all that’s just my way, he wouldn’t do it my way and that would make me stress.

I’ll just have to take his word for it. I dont fancy living at home minding my parents for the rest of my life. Which is plan B.

eviltwin · 31-03-2020 11:16pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Yea I am very self absorbed. I always have been.

I’ve to pay a mortgage eventually. I have people to talk to but I’d never want them to know any of this. It’s all a bit embarrassing really. Im not much of a talker anyways. My fiancé tells me he will help, I have spoken to him about all this and he tells me it will be a partnership and he will pull his weight and do what he can.

I know deep down though I will end up doing it all that’s just my way, he wouldn’t do it my way and that would make me stress.

I’ll just have to take his word for it. I dont fancy living at home minding my parents for the rest of my life. Which is plan B.

You have options here, it's not be a maid to your husband or a maid to your parents.

Do you not think, given your fears, you should live together first before you get married? Yoh seem doubtful that your fiance is going to help. That's not a great endorsement of the man.

Is the house ready, can you move in before you get married?

Teach30 · 31-03-2020 11:32pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You have options here, it's not be a maid to your husband or a maid to your parents.

Do you not think, given your fears, you should live together first before you get married? Yoh seem doubtful that your fiance is going to help. That's not a great endorsement of the man.

Is the house ready, can you move in before you get married?

I would make a terrible maid! No unfortunately house is not ready, we can’t buy furniture at moment.

I know he will help as much as he can with his job but it’s my irrational fear he won’t do it my way or the right way that will probably mean I end up doing it all.

I get really wound up and angry if something isn’t done the way I like it, even living at home I am like that.

I need to get over this but don’t know how to.

rainbowtrout · 01-04-2020 12:09am

Teach30 wrote: »

I would make a terrible maid! No unfortunately house is not ready, we can’t buy furniture at moment.

I know he will help as much as he can with his job but it’s my irrational fear he won’t do it my way or the right way that will probably mean I end up doing it all.

I get really wound up and angry if something isn’t done the way I like it, even living at home I am like that.

I need to get over this but don’t know how to.

But how can you get wound up or angry if something isn't done the way you like it at home, when by your own admission, you don't do anything at home, or are not allowed?

It's time to put the big girl pants on. Decide if you want to marry this guy or not. Start standing on your own two feet at home, for however long you continue to live there. Cook your own meals, wash your own dishes, wash your own clothes, hoover your bedroom, whatever is done by your martyr mother currently.

Stop making excuses for his future behaviour, like above where you say if he doesn't do it your way you'll end up doing it yourself. That will just lead to you nagging him about never doing housework, and him saying 'you never let me because you say I always do it wrong'. And he'll be right, but he'll have a get out clause.

There's always a third option, if you choose not to get married, you don't have to live with your parents, you could always move out and support yourself and take pride in not living like a child in their house.

Teach30 · 01-04-2020 12:26am

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But how can you get wound up or angry if something isn't done the way you like it at home, when by your own admission, you don't do anything at home, or are not allowed?

It's time to put the big girl pants on. Decide if you want to marry this guy or not. Start standing on your own two feet at home, for however long you continue to live there. Cook your own meals, wash your own dishes, wash your own clothes, hoover your bedroom, whatever is done by your martyr mother currently.

Stop making excuses for his future behaviour, like above where you say if he doesn't do it your way you'll end up doing it yourself. That will just lead to you nagging him about never doing housework, and him saying 'you never let me because you say I always do it wrong'. And he'll be right, but he'll have a get out clause.

There's always a third option, if you choose not to get married, you don't have to live with your parents, you could always move out and support yourself and take pride in not living like a child in their house.

Example.. Someone puts saucepans in dishwasher again I disagree with this, not my way of doing it I wash them by hand. Some people wash all colours together, don’t soak clothes.. not my way of doing it so I do it my way. I could go on.

It’s not an excuse for his future behaviour that’s just how I am. Even cutting up a piece of fruit I get so annoyed it it’s not done my way. It would put me in a bad mood for the day if someone does it wrong. How do I stop that feeling?

I do a bit at home my own washing and hoovering. I dont cook very often. I have a dinner with parents as they like that. I dont do anything extra though around the house I should do more but I’m always tired after work and the weekends I like to get out. Things like cleaning windows I don’t do I wouldn’t do it to my mothers standards or cleaning a cupboard, I wouldn’t put it back the right way etc.

I’ll marry him alright I’ve nothing to lose really.

bigpink · 01-04-2020 12:29am

Have ye never lived together before?

rainbowtrout · 01-04-2020 12:32am

Teach30 wrote: »

Example.. Someone puts saucepans in dishwasher again I disagree with this, not my way of doing it I wash them by hand. Some people wash all colours together, don’t soak clothes.. not my way of doing it so I do it my way. I could go on.

It’s not an excuse for his future behaviour that’s just how I am. Even cutting up a piece of fruit I get so annoyed it it’s not done my way. It would put me in a bad mood for the day if someone does it wrong. How do I stop that feeling?

I do a bit at home my own washing and hoovering. I dont cook very often. I have a dinner with parents as they like that. I dont do anything extra though around the house I should do more but I’m always tired after work and the weekends I like to get out.

I’ll marry him alright.

How do you think the rest of us manage???

Seriously, most people that are working do not have maids to do all their housework, they come home and do it after work. If you marry him and you have kids in a few years time, you won't have any choice, you'll have to feed them, as well as wash clothes and lots of other housework.

You should probably go to therapy if someone cutting up a piece of fruit differently to how you do it puts you in a bad mood for the day. You don't agree with this method of doing it, but it doesn't make it wrong. You need to start taking that into consideration, otherwise when you do get married and move in together, you are going to have a lot of rows that you currently don't have, and it will be about really stupid things that you shouldn't be having rows about. If you choose not to let things go, you will be setting yourself up for a life of martyrdom.

Does the world really end if the pot is washed in the dishwasher?

Living together

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