Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

susieball · 08-02-2020 2:30am #1

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

con747 · 08-02-2020 2:38am

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

I'm sorry but that's what I was doing at 16 as well. Pretending we were in different rooms until the coast was "clear". The fact they are both under the age of consent kind of cancels any wrong doing. That said it's your home. Your rules. Prepare to be getting the attitude for a while though from him.

susieball · 08-02-2020 2:42am

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

susieball · 08-02-2020 2:43am

I just ignored the 'like mother, like son' comment - plenty of trolls on here as well as good people.

SnowyMuckish · 08-02-2020 2:44am

As an almost 40 something(tears tears and more tears) I think we were all teens in our day. You must remember what it was like? To have a first love&#55357;&#56469;? They are teens, they (unfortunately as us parents don’t want them to) will be human and experiment, it’s the nature of teens. It’s up to you what’s acceptable to you and what you’re boundaries are. (Unfortunately, or fortunately for young love where there is a will there is a way :-) do what you think is right

susieball · 08-02-2020 2:47am

Yes, I know they will experiment. I knew it was going on as I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week - no answers to why it was there despite repeated questioning, and lots of denials. I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

con747 · 08-02-2020 2:48am

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

They are teenagers! you and I were there in the past. Maybe you were into different things then other than what your son is now. If you tell him not to we all know that's a red rag to a bull and he will rebel.

Edgarfrndly · 08-02-2020 2:54am

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 08-02-2020 3:00am

susieball wrote: »

I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

I think you are dead right to feel this way, the fact that he's doing it, getting caught in the act and then giving you grief for asking her to leave, I'd be putting the foot down and laying some ground rules......

Do you want to have to put up with this for years (he could be with you in the house for a long time yet) in your own home?

There nothing wrong with having a rule where guests are welcome but there's no sleepovers or hanging out in bedrooms. Tell him that's the rules from here on in and that's that. Tough if he doesn't like it.

Leaving lube on the counter for you to find is like he's rubbing your nose in it. I mean come on, yes we were all teenagers once but you'd be more discreet and if caught.... Well for starters you'd be sheepish and mortified rather than giving your parents grief over it.

If the girl has any cop on at all she'll steer clear for a while anyway.

Suckit · 08-02-2020 3:01am

It's disrespectful for a start, if they didn't even try to keep it quiet.
Similar thing happened here last year. There was words, and a lot mentioned about respect.
Weird that they seem so open about it. We just were often taught it was a sin, but that aside, the idea of going upstairs and having sex while parents were in the house was unthinkable. As natural as it is.
A lot of parents don't seem to mind it these days, which may not be a bad thing ("better than outside behind a skip") - but at what age, and they still need to learn respect.
Forget about your children, if a friend of mine, or my parents, or sibling went upstairs and start going at it loud enough to disturb me while I was downstairs in my own house, I would throw one of them out the window.

susieball · 08-02-2020 3:08am

Yes, it's about boundaries and respect. I had an inkling it was happening - obviously from the gel left on the counter - but if I'm at work and I don't have to listen to it, then it doesn't seem as flagrant. They were at it in our attic, which is a gallery attic, with no doors! My son alas has had quite a few issues with disrespect in last year including having a party on two occasions when I went a way for a night - 18 year old sister was afraid of his friends apparently, and so couldn't prevent it - damaging the house, damaging doors and braking TV, burn marks left on window cills, smell of sick emanating from sofa. Very verbally abusive tonight after asked girlfriend to leave, but also, I am sure, has had some alcohol - not a nice person, even with a small amount of alcohol. Works a part-time job, so has some of his own money.

SusieBlue · 08-02-2020 3:10am

Knocking loudly on the door telling them to keep it down would have probably been a better course of action, it might have killed the passion & shamed them into having a little more consideration.

Look, I know you don’t like the idea of it but it’s better for them to be doing it in your house where they’re safe and not a ditch on the side of the road or some field.
You know they’re both sober and consenting and (hopefully) being safe.

Now it was very disrespectful of him to bring her into the room when you explicitly told him not to, and the noise making even more so, but maybe it’s time to implement some ground rules to avoid this happening again.

For example, he can bring someone he is seeing over to stay (note: not random ‘friends’ with a different one arriving every other week) if he gives notice/asks permission, promises to use protection and keeps the volume down.
I would also be confirming with the girl that her parents know where she is so that there aren’t any crossed wires with her parents.

If he wants to be treated like an adult, that comes with adult responsibilities. And those responsibilities include being safe, having consideration and respect for others in the house and having respect for himself.
If he can’t abide by those rules, you wont be so accommodating in the future and make sure he knows that.

Good luck OP, I know this can be a really difficult transition.

con747 · 08-02-2020 3:11am

susieball wrote: »

Yes, it's about boundaries and respect. I had an inkling it was happening - obviously from the gel left on the counter - but if I'm at work and I don't have to listen to it, then it doesn't seem as flagrant. They were at it in our attic, which is a gallery attic, with no doors! My son alas has had quite a few issues with disrespect in last year including having a party on two occasions when I went a way for a night - 18 year old sister was afraid of his friends apparently, and so couldn't prevent it - damaging the house, damaging doors and braking TV, burn marks left on window cills, smell of sick emanating from sofa. Very verbally abusive tonight after asked girlfriend to leave, but also, I am sure, has had some alcohol - not a nice person, even with a small amount of alcohol. Works a part-time job, so has some of his own money.

He is starting to think he is the Alpha of the house. Try find a way to shut that down quickly.

the dark phantom · 08-02-2020 3:11am

con747 wrote: »

Cop on to yourself

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

con747 · 08-02-2020 3:13am

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

It was your insinuation that was offensive.

susieball · 08-02-2020 3:15am

Hi! Susieblue, there is no door - that's the point - perhaps if he had gone to a bedroom, the noise would not have filtered down to the bottom floor, but the attic is a gallery with no door - and whatever way it's built, there's actually an echo a lot of them time even when people are talking up there.

SusieBlue · 08-02-2020 3:15am

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

She’s his mother, she still sees him as her baby. Of course this transition is going to be difficult for her to adjust to.
Objectively I agree that it’s normal for 16yr olds to have sex, but when that 16yr old is your son it can be more difficult to accept.
It’s nothing to do with attitudes towards sex and more to do with adapting new parental boundaries and coming to terms with the fact that your little boy is now becoming a man.

susieball · 08-02-2020 3:17am

Susieblue, I don't actually have an issue with him becoming an adult, in fact, it would be great to be able to afford to send him somewhere else other than our hometown when he goes to college. I am happy for him to grow up. I want my own life back. I just don't want to hear the sounds of sex meaning from the top of my house when I am quietly watching TV at night.

con747 · 08-02-2020 3:17am

SusieBlue wrote: »

She’s his mother, she still sees him as her baby. Of course this transition is going to be difficult for her to adjust to.
Objectively I agree that it’s normal for 16yr olds to have sex, but when that 16yr old is your son it can be more difficult to accept.
It’s nothing to do with attitudes towards sex and more to do with adapting new parental boundaries and coming to terms with the fact that your little boy is now becoming a man.

Go back up the posts to see what "the dark phantom" posted first.

robertpatterson · 08-02-2020 3:33am

I think hes bang out of order, as regards this sh*** about its better to have them in your house rather than in a field I wouldn't listen to them.
Its your house, your rules, he knew what he was doing and is now giving you attitude!
Theres no way id tolerate that from any of my children, kids need rules and boundaries and the latest group think of you should be friends with your kids is a load of balls.
My kids have enough friends they don't need me or want me id be doing them and myself a disservice in trying to be their BFFs.
You should keep doing what youre doing youre dead right

Apt8 · 08-02-2020 7:47am

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

Gynoid · 08-02-2020 8:04am

OP, it is a real pain in the hole when they are at that age, some of them. Old enough to be doing all the adult stuff but young enough to be disrespectful entitled fcukers about it all. Most kids have the cop on to keep it quiet, but some are acting out their teenage angst by rubbing your face in it.
Don't really have any exact advice, I played it by ear, just dealing with each incident separately and picking battles so I was not constantly giving out. Having younger children than the exhibitionist grunter was a good excuse to lay down laws.
But if all else fails I suggest a lateral approach if the grunting is so obvious again, grab himself, or if a single parent grab yourself, and do a very loud show of wild whooping and groaning, head boards banging, just making the sounds really REALLY loud, I think there is a movie scene like this, and then present yourself dishevelled and panting to the wee git and his girl and ask them do they need a post coital cuppa for refreshment.

A few coinciding rounds of this should do the trick.

Sir Galahad · 08-02-2020 8:56am

Your house your rules Susie. You are the boss and he has to follow your rules. Simple.

kippy · 08-02-2020 9:07am

Apt8 wrote: »

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

Tis easy talk when you are not the parent.

The kid in the OP showed a total lack of respect for his parent and seems to be developing a habit of it. That's not something that should be let slide, whatever about the variables involved.

MastiffMrs · 08-02-2020 9:15am

I like Gynoids idea of making more noise than the teens to embarrass them!!

I feel bad for the op, very awkward situation at that age. As a teenager I used to sneak around and my parents wouldn't know what we were doing in the house, obviously more concerned than your son. Now as a parent I don't know what's ahead of me when my kids get to that age!

I'd be a little worried about the teen who's in the house that belongs to someone else. I'd have to have a chat to both kids and let them know that I'd be talking to the girls parents about it. Again it's awkward as you don't know how they'll take it, might think their kid is innocent. The boy sounds difficult. Is there any way that you could salvage your relationship with him and get him to talk to you more? If you say he's not very nice, even without alcohol, I'd imagine you'd need to mend things with him as well as tackling the current issue with his girlfriend.

Best of luck

shesty · 08-02-2020 9:18am

Your house, your rules, and major issue with the total lack of respect.
Personally I think 16 is a horrible age (including personal experience of looking back on it!!).You are bang on to feel the way you do, and I would definitely lay down a few ground rules about 'friends' staying.I"ll be honest with you OP, after that I would be telling him there will be no more friends staying until he starts being more respectful of you and your house.And yeah, I would want to know what's going on with her too.16 years old and nobody seems to be checking why she wasn't home for the night (yeah I know there are text messages, but I would rather go get my 16 year old than have them staying elsewhere for the night after something as silly as "missing a bus").
Kids are kids is not an excuse here, it's a bit more than that.

susieball · 08-02-2020 9:20am

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

galwayllm · 08-02-2020 9:25am

As plenty commented on here we were all teens and we all know what we got up to.

I think it's going to happen either way, all you can do is make sure that it's done in a safe way and nothing life changing comes from it.

susieball · 08-02-2020 9:26am

Re the girlfriend. Mother and stepfather apparently don't want her. Dad who lives miles away has recently taken her in, but she is always let do what she wants. Even when living with her mother, when we knew her first, and I would tell her she had to get the last bus home and couldn't stay - she would often miss the lass bus and just walk home, which is a bout 3 km, and where there were some recent late night attacks.When on occasion I would drop her home - she would get off at the entrance to an estate and then hop over a wall - she would never let me drive her to her house. Initially, several months ago, my son told me she was gay, and had a girlfriend, now she's bi, apparently. My son, who is very bright academically, seems to pick up consistently with a lot of children who have no parental guidance, and who have no-one checking up on them. My daughter, who is 2 years older, is completely different. She was difficult at that age, but not in terms of risky behaviour.

08-02-2020 9:27am

Oh God I remember that stage so well with my daughters .
I’m soooooo glad I’m out the other end and they’re now both grown adults living their own lives in their own places. The mid teens stage is so difficult and I’m sure even worse now as rules and behaviors keep changing. When they went to college it got significantly better, what you don’t know/don’t see ....etc etc

What I always stuck to was rules , what I usually got was respect for those rules but yes I had to put up with tantrums, rows, door slamming , name calling.
It doesn’t last forever , but stick to your guns , it’s worth it eventuality

Wesser · 08-02-2020 9:34am

Is she on the pill?

Gynoid · 08-02-2020 9:36am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh God I remember that stage so well with my daughters .
I’m soooooo glad I’m out the other end and they’re now both grown adults living their own lives in their own places. The mid teens stage is so difficult and I’m sure even worse now as rules and behaviors keep changing. When they went to college it got significantly better, what you don’t know/don’t see ....etc etc

What I always stuck to was rules , what I usually got was respect for those rules but yes I had to put up with tantrums, rows, door slamming , name calling.
It doesn’t last forever , but stick to your guns , it’s worth it eventuality

Some teens would bring you to your knees.
I too am glad we are past that time and even to the stage where they can joke with us now about what little bollixes they were.
Just keep going, take nothing personally, do not be one of those people who gets horrified with the cheek they invent, do not try to match their energy for arguing as their energy comes from the infinite source of hormonal youth, keep a good sense of humour and perspective is all you can do.

08-02-2020 9:46am

Is his father in the picture, and if so what does he say about this?

I would definitely talk to the girls father about this. There's a reason she doesn't want you to see where she lives - she probably tells him she's staying over with a girlfriend and he's clueless what his little innocent angel is up to. He probably gives her a lot of leeway because of the crappy situation with her mum and stepdad.

Having sex discreetly in a loving relationship is one thing, but having loud probably unprotected sex like this is massively disrespectful, not to mention risky and in his case statutory rape. If he's out drinking and hanging round with girls like this the grades won't be long slipping.

JJJJNR · 08-02-2020 11:53am

Too much freedom. Your still his guardian and responsible for their (his anyway) actions in your house, when did the disrespectful behaviour start to happen. Tell him if he doesn't cop on you will end the part time job and he won't have so much freedom, understand that will put you under pressure but you need to reign him in. I would probably end the part time work now anyway based on what I've read, I doubt he is paying up either. ? Tell the place he works in that you want his earnings paid direct to you, and see how his attitude changes.

arccosh · 08-02-2020 12:01pm

susieball wrote: »

that I hope he is taking precautions

Could be wrong here, but the above comment makes it seem like an open dialogue is not availabe here...

if sex can't be discussed openly, expect a lot of deceiving when the act is about to, or being done.

on a side note,(and not knowing your personal circumstances), ever thought your son may have heard you doing the deed at some point?

it's something that put my parents back in their box when I was caught one time.... that said, there was open dialogue in my house, so I was sat down, first told they knew I was doing was natural and went through the whole making sure contaception is being used, but it was made clear they didn't want to hear it. Which is fair enough.

you could always stir the pot and say "that's how you do it? pffft no wonder she's faking it"

08-02-2020 12:02pm

When my then 17 year old son asked if his girlfriend, also 17, could stay over, I said that as long as her parents were ok with it and contacted me to say so, then it’s ok with me. It took them almost 6 months to ask her mother to contact me. They’re still together 10 years later. And her mother is now a dear friend.

It’s all about respect. For you. Your home. Your beliefs and standards. They ARE underage.

Instead of arguing, talk to them together, if possible about safe sex. It’s not all about avoiding pregnancy. There is something worse. A sexually transmitted infection that could seriously affect their prospects of future parenthood or at worse, life limiting consequences.

He wants to be treated as an adult. Speak to him as one.

Pauliedragon · 08-02-2020 12:16pm

I think the OP is very level headed in this situation but to be honest what jumps out at me is that alcohol seems to make him aggressive. At 16 that's a big warning sign that could escalate if it's not controlled early.

lawrencesummers · 08-02-2020 1:25pm

susieball wrote: »

Yes, I know they will experiment. I knew it was going on as I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week - no answers to why it was there despite repeated questioning, and lots of denials. I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

Of everything in this thread this is the line that jumps out most to me.

People start having sex at ages younger than your 16 year old, its going to continue to happen if you like it or not. Maybe you have already but I wouldn't leave it to hope that he is taking precautions. If he wants to be an adult then have an adult conversation about contraception, STI's, pregnancy, the age of consent and everything else related.

The biggest dilemma is if her parents should be told or not.

Lefty Bicek · 08-02-2020 1:41pm

susieball wrote: »

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

This is, by a long way, a far more important issue.

You need to deal with this, because it will not get better. He needs your help on this, now.

The other thing by itself pales into insignificance.

Honestly, I believe your priorities are wrong here. Best of luck.

the_syco · 08-02-2020 1:42pm

susieball wrote: »

I definitely don't want it in my house

susieball wrote: »

I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week

Consider a rule that sexy times is only allowed if condoms are used? As inside would be preferred to outside (in a field), there'd be a higher chance that condoms get used. Otherwise a drunken fumble could lead to kids.

kenmm · 08-02-2020 2:57pm

I think a serious conversation is needed with your son.

Hiding sex, punishing him for it etc - where would you prefer they do it? Drunken house parties? Outside? You aren't going to stop it, but you can try and have an open and honest discussion about it, including boundaries and lies/breaking them (like don't make up a BS story about missing the bus just to get a ride).

If forced to sneak around and precautions haven't been taken, what will happen? Who will have the difficult conversations after the event?

If a dialogue isn't an option, then you will need to think about the consequences of this, or will you pretend he isn't interested in sex and what else may come from it?

Padre_Pio · 08-02-2020 3:03pm

You need to have a chat and set some boundaries.

They're going to have sex, whether it's in your house or somewhere else. Least you can do is make sure it's safe sex ,they're using protection etc.

Conall Cernach · 08-02-2020 3:15pm

What do the girl's parents think of this if they are aware? Your son could meet with hostility from them if they take umbrage at what he is doing with their underage daughter irrespective if he is also underage.

Wheety · 08-02-2020 3:50pm

My advice would be to talk to him about contraception, consent and respect. I'm not sure about the law but you're not going to stop them. I doubt it's their first time.

goat2 · 08-02-2020 3:54pm

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

When you asked her to leave the house, did she get a drive home, did someone call for her, or did she just walk out the door without an adult for safety, I would have escorted her home in the name of safety, she is someones daughter

ShylockWept · 08-02-2020 3:57pm

I'm shocked at some of the posters advocating that "ah shure its better than a ditch" attitude. While it was wrong to throw the girl out (drive her home, etc.), it is absolutely abhorrent to think that any parent would allow two teenagers to have sex in their house.

As one poster said, what that kid needs is a bit of discipline not a friend.

Maggie Benson · 08-02-2020 4:00pm

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

Did she conveniently miss the bus!
Definitely no respect from either but if they need to have sex I'm sure they will find a way. Just hope they have precautions in place?

KaneToad · 08-02-2020 4:10pm

Apt8 wrote: »

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

I think the issue here is that the OPs son wasn't engaging in private behaviour. If he was, he wouldn't have been caught. His sex life is his business but he seems to be trying to make it everyone else's business too: loud activity in the bedroom, leaving lube out. I think an earlier poster nailed it, he's trying to become the alpha in the house.

celt262 · 08-02-2020 4:12pm

Maggie Benson wrote: »

Did she conveniently miss the bus!
Definitely no respect from either but if they need to have sex I'm sure they will find a way. Just hope they have precautions in place?

When I was 16 that's exactly the type of girl I'd want to hang around with.

Still waters · 08-02-2020 4:19pm

He sounds like a right dickhead

08-02-2020 4:21pm

celt262 wrote: »

When I was 16 that's exactly the type of girl I'd want to hang around with.

But not bring home.

Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

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