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No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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    #122
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    locked pending review and cleanup


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    #123
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

    1. Posters keep it civil.
    2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.

    There will be zero tolerance for hostile/confrontational style posting here, cards and bans will handed out. I'd ask all posters to re-read the Charter before posting.




    kyogger, you are not to post in this thread again. It's pretty clear that the Weddings forum is not the place for you; if you post in this thread again you will be banned from the forum.


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    #124
    matrim
    Registered Users Posts: 7,517 ✭✭✭matrim


    I wonder if the brother had a go at you because your fiancé was offloading the blame for no kids being invited to you so that he could avoid the argument


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    #125
    ChewChew
    Moderators Posts: 24,367 ✭✭✭✭ChewChew


    Op I really feel for you. I'm getting married March 2017 and apart from my daughter who will be almost 2 and our 5 niblings, there will be no other children invited. None. If I offend anyone by that request then I don't see that couple/person being the friend I thought they were so it might be best for them to decline my invite. Ive already told a few people that kids are not welcome and I've a few more that need to be informed. It's like the argument of inviting aunts and uncles and cousins. I'm not doing that either and I am sticking to my guns. I've already had an aunt ask what date my wedding is so she can pencil it in, I told her not to bother as invites aren't going to extended family. It's my day, my money that is paying for it so it's going to be done my way. I have beautiful music arranged for my ceremony and I certainly don't want it to be over shadowed by the noise of little people! Op, stick to your decision. Your future brother in law is an ass and even if he did go now you wouldn't feel the same about him!! Have a great day :D


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    #126
    fed up sick and tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    Post deleted in a spirit of co-operation and congeniality.


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    #127
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    fed up sick and tired, if you have a problem with a post then use the report post function.


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    #128
    beertons
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,065 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    I've 5 weddings this year. My sister's wedding is one of them. She wants the kids involved in the church, flower girl, page boy. I had her warned from the beginning that they might not play ball on the day, and throw a tantrum. She was hearing none of it. I'll be bringing them home after the meal and staying with them. I don't think kids should be at weddings. You want to let your hair down and relax, but they're off running around the place. The amount of drink consumed at one of these things are incredible. Plus, are the parents going to stay off the drink themselves? I have friends that bring their kids to everything, they drink too much, they cry, the kids cry. It's disgusting.

    You sound like you've your head screwed on. I know when I got married, I didn't have a big wedding so the gifts would pay for it. I had who I wanted to share my day with. The cash gifts didn't even cover the dinner. Don't take orders from him, he'll be the first one drunk at it if he goes, and will start mouthing again no doubt.


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    #129
    happypants
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭happypants


    Ok so he handled it very childishly and had taken alchohol which you understand. He could have came to say it to you in a more dignified manner. However I think you are in the wrong here. I have a daughter who will be at our wedding in April, she is almost 2. We are having family children only. My future brother in law is getting married now next April and has said his wedding wouldn't be going ahead without our daughter.

    My oh has an uncle who has a kind of "difficult" wife and she kicked up a fuss about his 11 year old brother going. So it was his own nephew, who was about 9-10 at the time of the wedding and didn't bring a friend etc. It's so odd to me, have you people from work attending that you prioritised over your OH niece ? I could understand if friends invited us to their wedding but didn't include an invite for our daughter but I wouldn't attend a family members wedding if they excluded her.


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    #130
    jd
    Registered Users Posts: 5,683 ✭✭✭jd


    Was your partner not in the car to tell your future bil where to go? I'd stay out of it, and let your partner sort his brother out.


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    #131
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    happypants wrote: »
    Ok so he handled it very childishly and had taken alchohol which you understand. He could have came to say it to you in a more dignified manner. However I think you are in the wrong here. I have a daughter who will be at our wedding in April, she is almost 2. We are having family children only. My future brother in law is getting married now next April and has said his wedding wouldn't be going ahead without our daughter.

    My oh has an uncle who has a kind of "difficult" wife and she kicked up a fuss about his 11 year old brother going. So it was his own nephew, who was about 9-10 at the time of the wedding and didn't bring a friend etc. It's so odd to me, have you people from work attending that you prioritised over your OH niece ? I could understand if friends invited us to their wedding but didn't include an invite for our daughter but I wouldn't attend a family members wedding if they excluded her.

    The point is that some people (me!) feel weddings are not necessarily a good environment for children. For me it's like bringing a child to the pub at night which of course you'd never do (plus actually are not allowed do by law).


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    #132
    riffmongous
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 12,630 Mod ✭✭✭✭riffmongous


    No young kids I can understand , but 16 is old enough to be there without causing any extra fuss though imo


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    #133
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    riffmongous wrote: »
    No young kids I can understand , but 16 is old enough to be there without causing any extra fuss though imo

    My partner has a lot of 16/ 17 year old cousins that we won't be inviting to our wedding. We don't want them getting drunk on the sly and taking over the dancefloor! We want our friends to feel like we are all at a grown up party, not at an under 18's disco!


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    #134
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    OH sounds like Wedding drama no. 1 has hit...

    Best advide would try and not let it get to you so much..It does sound like maybe there is a little jealousy or something like that going on, or that he thinks a little too highly of himself..

    You should go as mentioned have a good chat with your own hubby to be, rant like a fisherwoman let it all out and then ask him right what would he prefer.. To save arguments to invite his kids (which of course if ye do that then ye will have to invite all the rest of the close families kids) or do ye want to keep it like it is. If ye do just dont play into the brothers hands.. Leave him rant and rave all he wants, and make silly remarks about a young girls sexuality, if his that kinda person the more you argue with him the more he will build up. Sad and stupid but if you ignore him you are better off. If he doesnt come to the wedding so let it be, dont hold it against him and dont let it upset you.

    If is scary what weddings do to people, even guest and families seem to have this sense of entiltiment to tell ye what to do and let them at it do what ye want to do..

    Hope ye get over this


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    #135
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    OH sounds like Wedding drama no. 1 has hit...

    Best advide would try and not let it get to you so much..It does sound like maybe there is a little jealousy or something like that going on, or that he thinks a little too highly of himself..

    You should go as mentioned have a good chat with your own hubby to be, rant like a fisherwoman let it all out and then ask him right what would he prefer.. To save arguments to invite his kids (which of course if ye do that then ye will have to invite all the rest of the close families kids) or do ye want to keep it like it is. If ye do just dont play into the brothers hands.. Leave him rant and rave all he wants, and make silly remarks about a young girls sexuality, if his that kinda person the more you argue with him the more he will build up. Sad and stupid but if you ignore him you are better off. If he doesnt come to the wedding so let it be, dont hold it against him and dont let it upset you.

    If is scary what weddings do to people, even guest and families seem to have this sense of entiltiment to tell ye what to do and let them at it do what ye want to do..

    Hope ye get over this


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    #136
    fed up sick and tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    amdublin wrote: »
    The point is that some people (me!) feel weddings are not necessarily a good environment for children. For me it's like bringing a child to the pub at night which of course you'd never do (plus actually are not allowed do by law).

    I know what you're saying and I agree with you, as things stand. They were often not necessarily good environments for me either, going on the 'next-day' factor :D

    But it's a cultural thing, and it's far from clear to me why a wedding must be like a fortieth party in a pub. It doesn't necessarily happen in other places, I'd guess.

    I wouldn't see any harm in getting away from the binge-fest wedding as a given. Especially since 'family' is such an inclusive term.

    Easy for me to say that now of course, as a tee-totaller.


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    #137
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Depends on the wedding probably. I've been to booze fests but I've also been to weddings where no one got locked, no one ignored their children and the kids went to bed at respectable times. If it's the former probably best to leave kids out.


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    #138
    andekwarhola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,638 ✭✭✭andekwarhola


    Personally I could never have got married without inviting my nephews and nieces. It's a family day (imo of course) and I'd far sooner have cut down on non-family attendees to make room if numbers were an issue. That said, the amount of nieces and nephews involved for me wasn't huge.

    Can totally understand a ban on non family children though.

    Your wedding, your call though and it's pretty rude to have a go at you face to face over it.


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    #139
    _Whimsical_
    Registered Users Posts: 7,955 ✭✭✭_Whimsical_


    OP if this conversation was had at 4am there's a good chance that your brother in law is going to be quite ashamed of his behaviour this morning if he remembers it at all. Give it a little cooling off time and then go back to them in a spirit of sorting things out, tell them that if you invite their daughter you'll be at risk of insulting everyone in your family who has children and that other circumstances you'd love to have her...even if it's a lie.

    If this is the only child of the extended family in this country however I think for your own long term happiness you might be better to invite her. You never know what repercussions might come from a perceived slight like this. It would be a pity for your OPs daughter to miss out on future family invites out of spite etc and I think it would be a shame to risk family ties and easy going cordial relations for the sake of 50-100 quid. You never know when you'll need backup in illness or trouble that really only a family truely will lend you.
    If it's a case that you'll need to invite several kids then stick to your guns, if this is the only teenager in the family do invite her.


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    #140
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    Hi again,
    Thank you all for your advice. Just to answer a few things, my step daughter is coming and is bringing a friend. Why shouldn't she have a plus one? We sent her a proper invite to make her feel special. She loved it.
    I get people saying they couldn't not have nieces and nephews at their wedding. Grand, I don't have an opinion on that, I respect it's your wedding to do what you wish.
    So what if we have invited some friends from work, they aren't kids. I'm very close to them. My OH has surfaced and has apologised on his brother's behalf, he didn't have to. He is still okay with our original plan.
    I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone. I must add, and I only heard this today, that my step daughter wasn't at said brother's wedding when they got married about ten years ago. There were kids at that wedding. This reinforces my decision. It's a shame he went about it the way he did but he has shown his true colours and if he doesn't come, that's his choice.


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    #141
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Good that ye are sticking to yer guns, and sod it OP...Do it is yer day and it doesnt matter what who done or didnt do at their wedding, try not to start thinking like that. Think what ye want at yers and if anyone has a problem with it then let them have the problem with it, just dont bite to it.. Just say look im sorry you feel that way but thats they way it is just dont let it make anything awkward or kinda get in the way of yer day..


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    #142
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone.

    Unfortunately with weddings everyone feels entitled to give their two cents about your wedding. The only thing you can do is take a deep breath, ignore it and do what you want. You can't please everyone so you may as well please yourselves.


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    #143
    Choc Chip
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,442 ✭✭✭Choc Chip


    No advice here OP, just wanted to offer my sympathy. I'm planning my wedding for next year and we haven't yet told anyone that we'll not be inviting kids - I'm already dreading the reactions of certain people. Best of luck with it and hopefully it will all work out when everyone sobers up!


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    #144
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?


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    #145
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    I so see why people alope for weddings nearly wish we had although it was fun things like this would drive you mad.. We certainly have an all new appreciation for upcoming bride and grooms


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    #146
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Toots wrote: »
    OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?

    OP might want to have strong words with her OH and get him to lay down the Law. (He'd be a right bad sod to kick off at someone elses Wedding)


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    #147
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    Toots wrote:
    OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?

    Yes this has crossed my mind!


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    #148
    martingriff
    Registered Users Posts: 10,706 ✭✭✭✭martingriff


    kyogger wrote: »
    TBH, at modern day weddings, it's the guests are footing the bill. I would doubt your wedding was any exception.

    The guests get a great deal though, €150-250 by modern expectations and in return they get what amounts to a hotel carvery dinner.
    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Free??? Have you ever been to a wedding? They are prohibitively expensive.

    Could you please quote the money you are forced to spend


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    #149
    martingriff
    Registered Users Posts: 10,706 ✭✭✭✭martingriff


    Sam Kade wrote: »
    Yeah and all the guests come with musty outfits that have been sitting in the back of their wardrobes with years. They come with their hands hanging and drink free water from the bar all night.

    If you want to buy a new outfit: Your Choice
    If you want to drink loads: Your Choice
    If you want to give an expensive gift: Your Choice


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    #150
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Toots wrote: »
    Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

    1. Posters keep it civil.
    2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.


    I'll just leave this here


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    #151
    martingriff
    Registered Users Posts: 10,706 ✭✭✭✭martingriff


    Toots wrote: »
    I'll just leave this here

    I apologise Toots I had been going through the thread and had nod not seen your instruction


This discussion has been closed.
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