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No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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  • 07-02-2016 9:55am
    #1
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭


    Hi all,
    So my wedding is in April. I sent out save the dates in October and formal invites in January. There are no children invited, this includes teens as well. The reason being our numbers are big enough as is.
    It was my OH's stag last night and his brother decided to bring up the fact that his daughter is disgusted she isn't invited, she's 16. He said he and his wife are also disgusted. He stayed locally for his stag so I picked four of them up at four in the morning to drop them home to various places.
    Firstly I felt it wasn't the right time to discuss it. I said I appreciate how you feel but nobody's kids are invited. Secondly he said well isn't your OH's daughter going and she's a teenager, well of course she is, she's his daughter. She is also allowed to bring a friend to the party so she won't be on her own. She doesn't have a lot of friends so we knew who she would bring. A wee girl who is quite a tomboy so he started to say oh and her little lesbian friend.
    He said he and his wife aren't coming and said we can have our wedding in 'county' I'm from a different county.
    It got really heated and by the time we got to the first drop off I asked him to please get out of my car. He said gladly and slammed door and continued to mock through the window.
    Look I know alcohol was involved and it was like five hours but I am furious.
    Nobody's kids are invited, my OH's daughter is different. Surely this is our decision. In all the years we have been together I have met her a handful of times, she has never been at our house to visit and also my OH's daughter and her do not get along. My OH was upset but he was drunk too.
    I'm sitting here now after little sleep feeling a mixture of anger and oh I don't even know. It wasn't done maliciously. I feel bad for asking him to leave my car but I wasn't going to listen to that nonsense at that hour when I'd picked them up and gone out of my way to drive around. I left him at another brother's house so he was grand. I also don't know him very well, we've met a few times but I've always found him to be standoffish.
    I feel he probably won't come now.

    Mod Warning:

    Posters please be advised that there are a number of mod warnings on this thread; Post #123 (quoted below) and Post #228.
    Toots wrote: »
    Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

    1. Posters keep it civil.
    2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.

    There will be zero tolerance for hostile/confrontational style posting here, cards and bans will handed out. I'd ask all posters to re-read the Charter before posting.




    kyogger, you are not to post in this thread again. It's pretty clear that the Weddings forum is not the place for you; if you post in this thread again you will be banned from the forum.

    I'll also add - no soapboxing, ie repeating the same thing over and over again. Also if you see a post which is problematic, use the 'Report' function, please don't respond on thread.


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Comments

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    #2
    Yourmama
    Registered Users Posts: 205 ✭✭Yourmama


    to be honest, if my kids weren't invited, I wouldn't come either probably. what do you expect me to tell them?


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    #3
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,522 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Well, it's yours and your fiancee's wedding you are entitled to invite who you want.
    However, you can't say that no kids are invited as there will be at least 2 there.
    I can understand how others are a but miffed by this as traditionally at least the children of near relatives would be invited, they wouldn't all come usually.


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    #4
    GreatDefector
    Registered Users Posts: 540 ✭✭✭GreatDefector


    Yourmama wrote: »
    to be honest, if my kids weren't invited, I wouldn't come either probably. what do you expect me to tell them?

    We never had kids either. Nobody had to worry about them and babysit them. I've been to parties at 3/4am with kids slumped on chairs and parents nowhere to be found. I think weddings are more for adults. The price of children and the amount we would have had to invite meant more adults wouldn't be there plus the expense of entertaining them

    TBH spending close to 20k on our wedding damn straight we call the shots


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    #5
    _Brian
    Registered Users Posts: 18,517 ✭✭✭✭_Brian


    I've been to weddings where our kids weren't invited and didn't mind. It's up to the bride and groom.
    Mostly, including the most recent I attended had children of direct family attending, direct meaning brothers and sisters of the bride and groom.


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    #6
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,287 ✭✭✭✭fits


    OP I will warn you in advance that this is always a controversial topic. But you have made your decision and its probably best to stick with it at this stage. Give it a few days and then talk it out between you. No point in falling out over such a thing.

    For our wedding, we see our nieces and nephews as an important part of the family so they were all invited but no other children were asked along. They made the party tbh. But they're a great age.


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    #7
    dowhatyoulove
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭dowhatyoulove


    I think your well within your rights to not have any kids at the wedding.

    I did restrict kids at my wedding and the only baby was my niece. Who on que cried the whole way through our vows - at the time I was pissed my brother didn't take her out as she played up quite a lot and made tons of noise but that's what young kids do. Now we look back at the only recording I have of our vows and you can't even hear us, just her wailing.

    Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, it's just a massive moment and I understand why people don't want kids at their weddings


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    #8
    Sam Kade
    Registered Users Posts: 12,313 ✭✭✭✭Sam Kade


    Is this nonsense still going on in this day and age, I thought people had moved on from it.


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    #9
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    There will be two teenagers there as one is the groom's daughter. That doesn't work like a normal situation.


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    #10
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    Your wedding your decision. Your brother in law to be sounds like a twat


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    #11
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    It's entirely your choice, and of course your fiance's daughter will be there - she's his daughter ffs!

    If I were you and your fiance, I'd send an email to the brother saying something like -

    "Hi Mark,

    As you know, we had a discussion on X night, and you said you and Mary will not be attending our wedding unless we also invite Margaret.

    As we made very clear, this is an adult ceremony, where there will be alcohol, and we don't want children present. Naturally, Sarah is the exception to this rule as she is OH's daughter and is part of our immediate family.

    We've said from the beginning that this wedding is for over 18s. We love Margaret but our guest list is set and will not be amended. if this truly means you and Mary will not be attending then we are sorry to hear it, but respect your decision
    "


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    #12
    Rackstar
    Registered Users Posts: 1,347 ✭✭✭Rackstar


    Well he's some drama queen. Fair play to you throwing him out of the car.


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    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    You've done nothing wrong. Would you really want this ass**le at the biggest day of your life? If he's too thick to see the difference between the Grooms child and other family members offspring, that's his problem. he was totally out of order and owes you and your OHs daughter an apology. How dare he say what he did, drink or no drink.
    It's YOUR bid day, not his.

    BTW, Well Done on throwing him from the car! Let your OH sort it IF he wants!


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    #14
    handlemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 6,003 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    Penny Tration wrote: »
    It's entirely your choice, and of course your fiance's daughter will be there - she's his daughter ffs!

    If I were you and your fiance, I'd send an email to the brother saying something like -

    "Hi Mark,

    As you know, we had a discussion on X night, and you said you and Mary will not be attending our wedding unless we also invite Margaret.

    As we made very clear, this is an adult ceremony, where there will be alcohol, and we don't want children present. Naturally, Sarah is the exception to this rule as she is OH's daughter and is part of our immediate family.

    We've said from the beginning that this wedding is for over 18s. We love Margaret but our guest list is set and will not be amended. if this truly means you and Mary will not be attending then we are sorry to hear it, but respect your decision
    "


    I wouldnt bother with the email. . If hes an adult he should unterstand all this already what is he an 8yr old kid ...


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    #15
    Jude13
    Registered Users Posts: 3,801 ✭✭✭Jude13


    No drama, its your party invite who you want. Imagine a guest to any other party demanding you invite who they want. Life's too short for having these people in your life to stress you out.


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    #16
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    It isn't that anyone was seen as unimportant so to speak, it's where do you draw the line? It's a large enough wedding as is, if even half the people wanted their kids there that would be a considerable extra cost. It would be why are their kids allowed and mine aren't. I can't understand the argument about his daughter, surely that's a given, like a parent attending.

    Fair enough if you don't want to go because your child isn't invited but I thought it was a little over the line to kick up such a fuss. What happened to respecting the views of others even if you aren't in agreement? Politely decline. What happened has just left an awful atmosphere.


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    #17
    kyogger
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭kyogger


    GreatDefector wrote: »
    We never had kids either. Nobody had to wrry about them and babysit them.



    Your guests had to worry about them.
    Your guests also had to add the expense and hassle of organising babysitting to an already expensive evening.


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    #18
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Yourmama wrote: »
    to be honest, if my kids weren't invited, I wouldn't come either probably. what do you expect me to tell them?

    Why would you have to tell them anything except that you're going to a wedding and you'll see them tomorrow? You know, like a mature adult?

    OP, your wedding, your choice. I'd be hastily uninviting that abusive brother in law to be also, who wants a nasty drunk like that at their wedding? Sounds like you've seen his true colours.


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    #19
    peteb2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭peteb2


    Its your wedding you decide whos going. And that earlier comment from Tell Me How is BS. I've never heard of such a tradition. I'm married, my closest friend had kids. They didn't get invited!!


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    #20
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,330 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Personally it annoys me when I get an invite that says no kids. But I just decline these invitations where I can.
    Weddings are expensive enough to go to without lumbering parents with babysitting costs too. Also, the cost of having kids there is very small compared to an adult (I think ours was an extra €10 per child).
    Not to say your friend wasn't a dick about it but he is saying what many are thinking.


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    #21
    dori_dormer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭dori_dormer


    It's your party, your money, your choice who's invited. I honestly don't know why people invited to a free party feel that their precious children should be invited. If it was a 40th birthday would they think kids should come?
    Honestly op I wouldn't give it another thought. I doubt his daughter actually cares,and it's really only him and/or his wife that do. If you said ok she can come, I doubt she'd have a good time, since there would only be 2 other teens there who are good friends already. Plus then what do you say to all the others with kids?

    A blanket no kids rule doesn't apply to the bride and grooms own kids anyway.
    We had one child at our wedding, my husbands 4 yr old sister who was flower girl. She fell asleep on the chairs at 9.30 after insisting the dj play Bob the builder 3 times in a row. She probably would have been happier at a sleepover with her cousin


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    #22
    Into The Blue
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭Into The Blue


    Your wedding, your decision.

    Btw, even when my kids are invited, we still get a babysitter!!! Worst parents ever :D


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    #23
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    It's your wedding so it's your choice and you shouldn't have to defend it. However for a ot of people a 16 year old wouldn't be considered a child so they might have expected her to be invited and if they can't bring their kid it might make it difficult for them to go. Give it time and see what happens when the dust settles. Can you invite her to the afters? I know your upset but it's your husbands brothers so I'd let hi make the final decision.


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    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    Nobody's kids are invited, my OH's daughter is different. Surely this is our decision

    Yes, it is. End of. The only time I feel this could become a contentious area is if SOME nephews/nieces are invited or SOME friends kids are invited. But drawing clear lines is the only way to hold your ground in this situation. No kids outside of your own immediate family is perfectly clear. Of COURSE your step daughter will be there!
    theoldbreed wrote: »
    he said well isn't your OH's daughter going and she's a teenager, well of course she is, she's his daughter. She is also allowed to bring a friend to the party so she won't be on her own. She doesn't have a lot of friends so we knew who she would bring. A wee girl who is quite a tomboy so he started to say oh and her little lesbian friend

    Well he sounds quite the charmer, as does his "disgusted" daughter. If sh's anything like her father, I can see why your daughter doesn't get along with her. Stand your ground and , if you're lucky, he'll keep his promise to boycott the wedding.


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    #25
    peteb2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭peteb2


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Personally it annoys me when I get an invite that says no kids. But I just decline these invitations where I can.
    Weddings are expensive enough to go to without lumbering parents with babysitting costs too. Also, the cost of having kids there is very small compared to an adult (I think ours was an extra €10 per child).
    Not to say your friend wasn't a dick about it but he is saying what many are thinking.

    And you think it isn't expensive to have a wedding and to pay for kids to attend??


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    #26
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,522 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    peteb2 wrote:
    Its your wedding you decide whos going. And that earlier comment from Tell Me How is BS. I've never heard of such a tradition. I'm married, my closest friend had kids. They didn't get invited!!

    I didn't mean that it's "mandatory" I meant tradition in the it's common place but I do apologize if my experience is not the same as yours.


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    #27
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    handlemaster wrote: »
    I wouldnt bother with the email. . If hes an adult he should unterstand all this already what is he an 8yr old kid ...

    Agreed. If anything he should be emailing her to apologise for his awful drunken rant.


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    #28
    peteb2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭peteb2


    eviltwin wrote: »
    It's your wedding so it's your choice and you shouldn't have to defend it. However for a ot of people a 16 year old wouldn't be considered a child so they might have expected her to be invited and if they can't bring their kid it might make it difficult for them to go. Give it time and see what happens when the dust settles. Can you invite her to the afters? I know your upset but it's your husbands brothers so I'd let hi make the final decision.

    If they have a 16 year old that wouldn't be considered a child, how would it be difficult to go? They don't need a sitter! She's old enough.


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    #29
    bmwguy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,006 ✭✭✭bmwguy


    That man should have a long hard look at himself. What a dope. Weddings are adult events. Lots of drinking and drunkenness and is very expensive per person invited. I was at my first wedding aged 25. I have been at 2 or 3 a year since. I don't recall kids at them, maybe as flower girls in the church but not later. To even try to influence a person's decision on their own wedding is lunacy. Don't bring kids. Don't get involved in the debate with him. Ignore him. And this is coming from someone not married.


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    #30
    Armchair Andy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭Armchair Andy


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    It isn't that anyone was seen as unimportant so to speak, it's where do you draw the line? It's a large enough wedding as is, if even half the people wanted their kids there that would be a considerable extra cost. It would be why are their kids allowed and mine aren't. I can't understand the argument about his daughter, surely that's a given, like a parent attending.

    Fair enough if you don't want to go because your child isn't invited but I thought it was a little over the line to kick up such a fuss. What happened to respecting the views of others even if you aren't in agreement? Politely decline. What happened has just left an awful atmosphere.

    I know if this happened to my OH I'd be having a very serious word with my brother. You'd be getting an apology and he'd be getting an earful.
    Up to your fiance to sort this out on your behalf imo. Think of the long game.


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    #31
    kyogger
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭kyogger


    GreatDefector wrote: »
    TBH spending close to 20k on our wedding damn straight we call the shots

    TBH, at modern day weddings, it's the guests are footing the bill. I would doubt your wedding was any exception.

    The guests get a great deal though, €150-250 by modern expectations and in return they get what amounts to a hotel carvery dinner.


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