Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

Quorum · 26-08-2012 2:04pm

Jerrica wrote: »

Every wedding will have people who make spiteful sarcastic comments to the bride to be about how many of their guests won't like it? Ok.

Am I a guest at El-Dangeroso's wedding?

Jerrica · 26-08-2012 2:05pm

No, but you made a snide snarky comment insinuating lots of her guests won't want to be there based on your opinions. Do you know all her guests?

Quorum · 26-08-2012 2:06pm

Jerrica wrote: »

No, but you made a snide snarky comment insinuating lots of her guests won't want to be there based on your opinions. Do you know all her guests?

Nope, but wherever I've been, whatever circles I've moved in, there is always a good percentage of people who don't like the things.

Jerrica · 26-08-2012 2:08pm

Well then like El_D said, there are a lot of two faced people around. If people don't like them, don't go. Going and bitching about going is helping no-one.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 2:09pm

Jerrica wrote: »

Well then like El_D said, there are a lot of two faced people around.

Guess so!

rainbowtrout · 26-08-2012 2:26pm

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear. I have no control over how many weddings people will have been to before mine, and I would be quite distressed to think that people will be there under duress. Perhaps I'm naive, but I'm hoping that the folks at my shindig will be there because they want to, they'll be glad to share my big day, my partner and I will be doing our best to make sure they'll have as much craic as we do and no-one will be obliged to give us anything.

If you take the approach that you feel that a lot of your guests won't want to be there why bother at all?

I think Jerrica what Quorum is saying (correct me if I'm wrong) is that's it's not so much about not wanting to celebrate the day with them and celebrate their new marriage, but weddings are all day events and some of them are long, boring and drawn out. Because they are so formal they have a set timetable. For most the church bit is over by 3, and the meal won't be until 6, so people have to occupy themselves for 3 hours, adults are well able to do this but it's quite a large gap in the day and i have heard plenty of people over the years come out of the church and head to the pub across the road for a drink and a sandwich and say things like 'it'll kill a bit of time before we go to the hotel'. It's having to kill time at an event is what makes it so drawn out.

There aren't any other major events where people have to kill time for a substantial part of the day.

username123 · 26-08-2012 2:54pm

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear. I have no control over how many weddings people will have been to before mine, and I would be quite distressed to think that people will be there under duress. Perhaps I'm naive, but I'm hoping that the folks at my shindig will be there because they want to, they'll be glad to share my big day, my partner and I will be doing our best to make sure they'll have as much craic as we do and no-one will be obliged to give us anything.

If you take the approach that you feel that a lot of your guests won't want to be there why bother at all?

What? Everybody knows this! The only people excited about going to a wedding are the bride and groom, some younger people who may never have attended a wedding before and the very odd person who actually enjoys a generic long drawn out boring day of drinking and making pleasant conversations with strangers.

I personally hate weddings, they are all much the same, there is a definite hypocritical aspect to most of them, they are extremely long and tedious, the food usually upsets my stomach, I hate a long days drinking, Ive no interest in jumping around on a dance floor to generic wedding songs like 'i will walk 500 miles' and they cost a fortune to attend.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 2:59pm

Quorum wrote: »

Improve the situation? Why would I spend ANY time doing that? I'll focus on my own wedding when the day comes. It will be me and my fiancé and two strangers as witnesses, just as my folks did 35 years ago. This is what I want, and it will happen. I can't control what other people do for theirs.

But oh, when you have your wedding, everyone will definitely want to be there and not be bored at all. Definitely.

If you don't like the thought of spending thousands on an event not everyone will enjoy then... don't spend thousands, perhaps?

So you're just going to complain and spend money on something you don't want to do over and over and over again? Seriously? Are you stupid or just a masochist?

If people didn't go to weddings they didn't want to go to the days of the 300+ head weddings that need cash gifts to pay for them would be over. As it stands you are only contributing to the tradition. Thus you are acting in a hypocritical, two-faced fashion, and honestly only have yourself to blame.

You clearly don't like weddings, so please please do people a favour and don't go to them. By the sounds of it you won't be missed.

Some do actually enjoy weddings believe it or not, I do, even with the gap which isn't everyone's favourite part of the day (although I love it to catch up with people over a drink after the ceremony). You know why I enjoy them? I go to the ones that I know I will have a good time at, not to every last thing I'm invited to, because I have a modicum of backbone.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 3:17pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

So you're just going to complain and spend money on something you don't want to do over and over and over again? Seriously? Are you stupid or just a masochist?

Neither, thanks!

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Some do actually enjoy weddings believe it or not, I do, even with the gap which isn't everyone's favourite part of the day .

I never said this wasn't the case. But many don't. They go because they care about the people getting married, not the accompanying palaver. That to me isn't two-faced.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I go to the ones that I know I will have a good time at, not to every last thing I'm invited to, because I have a modicum of backbone.

I've turned down invites, but not all because my absence would be hurtful the inviters. I know, how very spineless, going to the wedding of someone I care for, even though weddings are not my bag. I really must rectify that kink in my character.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 3:29pm

Quorum wrote: »

Neither, thanks!

I never said this wasn't the case. But many don't. They go because they care about the people getting married, not the accompanying palaver. That to me isn't two-faced.

Then why on earth do you go? You won't be that close to the couple for every wedding you attend. There's always the option of going to the ceremony and not the meal. I've done that for a few weddings and no one seemed to mind. You seem to overestimate the importance of your presence, I'm sure loads of people will be relieved they won't be getting an invite to yours. Why not extend them the same courtesy? They probably feel obligated to invite a bunch of people they don't really want to but for it being the 'done thing'. You see how it the beast feeds itself?

efb · 26-08-2012 3:29pm

Where's the OP gone?

Stocktaking her gifts perhaps???

Quorum · 26-08-2012 3:35pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Then why on earth do you go? You won't be that close to the couple for every wedding you attend. There's always the option of going to the ceremony and not the meal. I've done that for a few weddings and no one seemed to mind. You seem to overestimate the importance of your presence, I'm sure loads of people will be relieved they won't be getting an invite to yours.

Close friends, family members. Yes, very self-important of me to KNOW these people well enough to know they want me there. I get the sense you are planning a wedding. If so, there is every chance there will be people there who hate the whole palaver.

As for all the comments about me not being missed, and people being glad I'm not having anyone at mine. People said I was snide for saying there might be people at your day who don't enjoy weddings, well, your comments are far more snide and personal IMO.

digzy · 26-08-2012 3:41pm

amdublin wrote: »

This thread makes me sad

yet you cant let it go...........

digzy · 26-08-2012 3:45pm

amdublin wrote: »

Did you invite them for their presence or their presents?

i think you're breaking the record for repeating the same thing over and over.:rolleyes:

Madam_X · 26-08-2012 3:54pm

To go to the wedding of a friend, workmates you get on well with etc when they've invited you in genuine good faith, and to give absolutely nothing, is incredibly bad form. Even if it's just something small like a €20 voucher - a goodwill gesture is only right. Yeh the bride and groom are the ones who choose to have a big event (I can't fathom the huge extravagant do's but sometimes expensive weddings are unavoidable if they have big families/a lot of friends) but if they invite you and you want to go, then a gift is only to wish them well.

However the OP said the wedding gifts are to recoup the wedding costs, hence not much sympathy from me - I do see where she's coming from re the friends giving absolutely nothing though, that's bad form. I really doubt anyone would be impressed if they held even a modest wedding, invited people they care about and didn't even get so much as a bottle of wine, just as a thought.

Red21 · 26-08-2012 4:02pm

clint_silver wrote: »

The novelty of going to weddings wore off? If anyone ever wanted to read a pessimists view of Ireland, read this post.

Are you saying people shouldnt get married with a ceremony of their choosing or they shouldnt invite friends and family? they shouldnt dress up, feed the guests and put some entertainment on and capture the day?

What way do you think they should get married if the traditional method is so boring to you? How do you think the day should go?

Its you who's living the lie, if you don't want to be somewhere, don't be there.

Bit if a late night rant above so i'll try more to get to the point here.
I belive that a large amount of people attending irish wedding don't really wanna be there.
The reason is that weddings here are too large therefore your average person/couple/family get invited to too many of them, it's like having 5 christmasdays in a year it's way too much. I'm not saying that people should have small weddings, have whatever kinda wedding you like but know this when you look down from the top table, no matter how many Stars the hotel has or what effort you've gone to most of the people just don't wanna be there if you douth what i'm saying or think i'm saying it to be nasty, why not look into it for yourself.
People have to spent a lot of money when attending a wedding but it's the cash that goes in to the card is the thing that pains them most because this is what keeps the whole thing going.
I don't believe that when a couple are planning their wedding they set out on making moneyout of it but it's more that when making out the guest list they're fully aware that you can expect to get 100euro per person on the cards, so they then end up sending out 200+ invites. Do people really think so many would spend 25k on a single day if they tought they'd be paying it back for the next 15years.(edit:when I say this I'm aware that some couples would put on a big even if it meant getting nothing in return the probelm is that big days have become the norm)
A big wedding every now and again is grand, but as it stands it's not enjoyable.

clint_silver wrote: »

I play in band at weddings. easily played at 6-700 over the years. A lot are the same. maybe 4 out 5. same dresses, same chair covers, same food, same drunk guests, same clothes. what makes everytime is the people and how happy they are to be there for the b&g. Its the happiness factor. you can walk in to a room and gauge it. You remember those ones as they are quite simply brilliant. people laughing and dancing like they haven't in ages. If youre lucky enough to have been at one of those then youd know it. I had 4 weddings in the last week, 3 were the same and fall into the category that you talk about, still good nights just not memorable, however 1 was brilliant, was probably the least fancy in terms of venue and style and expense but was unbelievable in terms of atmosphere. I'll remember it for years.
For anyone who ever says they're all the same, they need to attend a wedding like that to change their mind.

When people have 10 or 12 units of alcohol on board and the guage reading full, thats no time to be asking if they wanted to be there. How about when they've got the 5th invite for the year in the post?
how about measuring the happiness factor when they're waiting around to sober up the next day so they can embark on the 100 mile journey home.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Do you really think that the Bride and Groom spend thousands of euro to put their guests through 'expense, hassle and tedium' as you so put it? I presume you make the couple aware of this fact? or do you just smile to their face while secretly resenting them? No, that's not two-faced at all.

You've made many points along these lines and they're fair points to make for someone who may be removed from the reality of the situation, maybe you don't get many invites or maybe you just love going to weddings who knows.I genuinely don't like going to them mainly because i've been to too many.
Every single wedding invite is a differant scenario i'll give a general case of what happens.
I have a workmate that i like and get on well with, he has being on about his upcoming wedding all year clearly he/they are going to a massive effort for the big day, i've turned him down for the stagg and I haven't gone to the engagement party so now I get the wedding invite, seeing as i'v been to so many wedding's i'd much prefer to spend that evening watching Graham Norton and drinking a few glasses of wine. Do I tell him the truth about really wanting to watching a Talk show and risk the end of our friendship or do I go half way across the country and spend a small fortune on something I don't even want. What would you do?

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear

It may be upsetting but it's a reality you have to consider.

I will also say if you want a big wedding doing so in your early twenties is better as there is a far greater chance people actually wanna be there.

digzy · 26-08-2012 4:18pm

op i'd say you're sorry you opened this can of worms! so much for 'attack the post not the poster':D
fair play to you, you've decided to avoid responding to the personal insults on your character.

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

Madam_X · 26-08-2012 4:20pm

Ah not giving a gift on the day because you're absolutely broke is fair enough. You can give it to them another time.

rainbowtrout · 26-08-2012 4:29pm

digzy wrote: »

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

The quantity of negative comments shows that not everyone is in agreement with the bride. Some people come on forums post their rant and expect that because they've started the thread that only posts that back them up will appear. It works two ways on a public forum and in this case the bride didn't get the answer she wanted and made it clear that she wanted gifts equal to the value of the gifts she gives when she said in one post that she would have liked a token gift but went on to rubbish the crystal glasses her friends got her as being mean and basically not good enough.

Anyone who posted here and said that the bride was wrong to expect gifts also mentioned that they would always give a gift but wouldn't look down on anyone who didn't. That's the basic gist of it, not that they never give gifts themselves.

And as for showing up and filling your belly at the bride and grooms expense, it's a party they are throwing and inviting people to. Of course it's at their expense. If not, they should sell tickets to the event. If you are going to invite people to a day long event you will have to provide food. If a bride and groom decided to get married and then tell people there was to be no big reception but they were having a party in the local pub that night, I'm sure people would be more than happy to attend and have a few drinks and a bit of fun with the couple without expecting a meal. It's the fact that practically all Irish weddings are the same means that a meal is provided.

Diddler1977 · 26-08-2012 4:48pm

Madam_X wrote: »

To go to the wedding of a friend, workmates you get on well with etc when they've invited you in genuine good faith, and to give absolutely nothing, is incredibly bad form. Even if it's just something small like a €20 voucher - a goodwill gesture is only right. Yeh the bride and groom are the ones who choose to have a big event (I can't fathom the huge extravagant do's but sometimes expensive weddings are unavoidable if they have big families/a lot of friends) but if they invite you and you want to go, then a gift is only to wish them well.

.

A gift doesn't have to be money or a physical item, even a voucher.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 4:49pm

Quorum wrote: »

Close friends, family members. Yes, very self-important of me to KNOW these people well enough to know they want me there. I get the sense you are planning a wedding. If so, there is every chance there will be people there who hate the whole palaver.

As for all the comments about me not being missed, and people being glad I'm not having anyone at mine. People said I was snide for saying there might be people at your day who don't enjoy weddings, well, your comments are far more snide and personal IMO.

I am merely using your exact logic on your own day, if as you say, there are always those at weddings who have better things to be doing, then imagine the relief when they don't get invited to yours. I find it amusing that you believe my comments to be personal and snide when that is your exact argument to begin with, not so nice when you have it reflected back at you is it?

Do you honestly go to the weddings of people very close to you and not enjoy the day? I find that incredibly sad. How awful that you find the company of your nearest and dearest so boring and tedious.

A person who is not having fun at any event sticks out like a bad smell, to be honest I wouldn't even inflict that on someone I didn't like.

amdublin · 26-08-2012 4:50pm

digzy wrote: »

op i'd say you're sorry you opened this can of worms! so much for 'attack the post not the poster':D
fair play to you, you've decided to avoid responding to the personal insults on your character.

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

I've made it quite clear that I would give a gift at a wedding. But equally I would never ever judge and deride some who didn't give me a gift (as you have above).

amdublin · 26-08-2012 4:53pm

digzy wrote: »

i think you're breaking the record for repeating the same thing over and over.:rolleyes:

I've apparently repeated the same thing over and over yet you haven't answered the question. Must need repeating so.

When you throw a party do you invite people so that they will be there to celebrate with you or do you invite people so that they give you a gift?

(simple question really)

Quorum · 26-08-2012 4:59pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

A person who is not having fun at any event sticks out like a bad smell, to be honest I wouldn't even inflict that on someone I didn't like.

Well, every wedding will have a good few of these so that's a lot of people standing out! Have fun picking them all out at the next wedding you attend.

I'm not even going to dignify your "returning your logic" paragraph with more than this one-sentence response except to say, yeah there would be a few people relieved and I'm fine with that, but your tone was more snide than that.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:01pm

Quorum wrote: »

Well, every wedding will have a good few of these so that's a lot of people standing out!

Maybe to the weddings you go to.

Diddler1977 · 26-08-2012 5:01pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The quantity of negative comments shows that not everyone is in agreement with the bride. Some people come on forums post their rant and expect that because they've started the thread that only posts that back them up will appear. It works two ways on a public forum and in this case the bride didn't get the answer she wanted and made it clear that she wanted gifts equal to the value of the gifts she gives when she said in one post that she would have liked a token gift but went on to rubbish the crystal glasses her friends got her as being mean and basically not good enough.

Anyone who posted here and said that the bride was wrong to expect gifts also mentioned that they would always give a gift but wouldn't look down on anyone who didn't. That's the basic gist of it, not that they never give gifts themselves.

And as for showing up and filling your belly at the bride and grooms expense, it's a party they are throwing and inviting people to. Of course it's at their expense. If not, they should sell tickets to the event. If you are going to invite people to a day long event you will have to provide food. If a bride and groom decided to get married and then tell people there was to be no big reception but they were having a party in the local pub that night, I'm sure people would be more than happy to attend and have a few drinks and a bit of fun with the couple without expecting a meal. It's the fact that practically all Irish weddings are the same means that a meal is provided.

Well said!

sanna · 26-08-2012 5:04pm

Following this with interest, over last few yrs we have been invited to a good few and if we could afford the outfit, night in hotel, spending money for the day and of course give a present. If we couldnt do that then we made our apologies and declined( Until recently I had no job and H2B is on 3 day wk).

Now Im planning my own wedding I would be put out if I didnt get a card which I think is the least u could give. But Im not planning my wedding and thinking Ive spent XY &Z I should get something decent in return, but then again Im not spending crazy money on my day either, married in church and reception in GAA club hopefully and Im having a buffett, will be a small do with close family and friends, if I get a tenner in a card i will be happy same as getting what is clearly a recycled present, its the thought that counts!

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:04pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Maybe to the weddings you go to.

If it's a cookie-cutter Irish wedding, there will be people there like this. So, pretty much every wedding then.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:06pm

Quorum wrote: »

I'm not even going to dignify your "returning your logic" paragraph with more than this one-sentence response except to say, yeah there would be a few people relieved and I'm fine with that, but your tone was more snide than that.

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Diddler1977 · 26-08-2012 5:09pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?!

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:09pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Actually, I said that it doesn't really matter what happens at the celebration, some people are just sick of them! So, no, it wasn't a comment on you, it's was on weddings in this country. Whereas your comment was focussed on me, the individual. So, if you think I was bitchy, well, you outdid me. Well done.

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?!

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.

Yup.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:13pm

Quorum wrote: »

If it's a cookie-cutter Irish wedding, there will be people there like this. So, pretty much every wedding then.

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

amdublin · 26-08-2012 5:13pm

Diddler1977 wrote: »

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.

Yep this is true for me too!

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:15pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

I'm actually OK with this idea. Was this comment supposed to be upsetting?

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:16pm

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?! .

Yeah, they do, shocking eh? I didn't give people +1's for the sake of it, so no partners being dragged along either.

Quorum wrote: »

Actually, I said that it doesn't really matter what happens at the celebration, some people are just sick of them! So, no, it wasn't a comment on you, it's was on weddings in this country. Whereas your comment was focussed on me, the individual. So, if you think I was bitchy, well, you outdid me. Well done.

Now you're back-peddling, you made the comment about my wedding specifically, you brought it to the personal level, I reflected your exact point back at you, so it's good that you can see the bitchiness in it now I suppose.

amdublin · 26-08-2012 5:16pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

Yeah all sounds great. I hope you have a lovely day.,

Now please don't get caught up in what gifts you do and do not get. More important to have people there enjoying themselves!

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:17pm

Quorum wrote: »

I'm actually OK with this idea. Was this comment supposed to be upsetting?

Nope, but I can see now why you feel the way you do about weddings.

amdublin · 26-08-2012 5:17pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Yeah, they do, shocking eh? I didn't give people +1's for the sake of it, so no partners being dragged along either.

So no men at your wedding at all

:rolleyes:

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:18pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Now you're back-peddling, you made the comment about my wedding specifically, you brought it to the personal level, I reflected your exact point back at you, so it's good that you can see the bitchiness in it now I suppose.

Nope, just going by numbers, not everyone there will have a great time at your wedding, because it's a wedding and LOTS of people dislike them. Maybe your guest-list will be an anomaly and you won't have anyone like this at it. I doubt it though.

You made some bitterness comment above too. No bitterness here, I've always known I wanted a private wedding. Big weddings aren't done in my family and I can't see the sense in them at all.

Diddler1977 · 26-08-2012 5:18pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

OK for your wedding you have invited people who you hope will want to be there (all good intentions).
Unfortunately there is a high chance that there will be guests who won't be enjoying themselves eg. as I said before most men hate weddings but they will be dragged along by their partners

On the other hand you can guarantee that the two people who choose to go along to the registry office and get married on their own will ertainly enjoy themselves.

In other words, you can only be ensured of your own enjoyment.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:18pm

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah all sounds great. I hope you have a lovely day.,

Now please don't get caught up in what gifts you do and do not get. More important to have people there enjoying themselves!

Absolutely! We have it all paid for up front. One of my friends is singing us a song for our present and I am looking forward to this most of all I think!

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:25pm

amdublin wrote: »

So no men at your wedding at all

:rolleyes:

No men enjoy weddings ever? Really?

Quorum wrote: »

Nope, just going by numbers, not everyone there will have a great time at your wedding, because it's a wedding and LOTS of people dislike them. Maybe your guest-list will be an anomaly and you won't have anyone like this at it. I doubt it though.

You made some bitterness comment above too. No bitterness here, I've always known I wanted a private wedding. Big weddings aren't done in my family and I can't see the sense in them at all.

I'm sorry but that's the fault of the people who go. I don't go to things I don't plan to enjoy. I don't spend money to be bored and do things I don't enjoy. I don't understand why this is such a radical idea.

Again you are making presumptions you know nothing about. I don't expect everyone will have the best day of their life, but I think they will have fun. Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:27pm

Diddler1977 wrote: »

On the other hand you can guarantee that the two people who choose to go along to the registry office and get married on their own will ertainly enjoy themselves.

Bingo. This is it, right here.

AoifeCork · 26-08-2012 5:29pm

Interesting thread... OP, I would agree with some of the posters above, you need to address the issue if it is really going to affect your relationship with the 2 friends. Now on the flip side, you may ask yourself; is a present (or lack thereof) really a reason to fall out/start a row with 2 people who you obviously care for very much for if their failure to send a wedding gift upset you so much in the first place? It's a case of if you don't feel close enough with them to say it to them first-hand, then you really shouldn't mind that much if even a "small card and gesture" wasn't given on their behalf.

What I'm trying to say is, if its the principle of the situation, address it and get it off your chest. If it's a case of money or materialism... well then I can't agree with you in a country where people are quietly going hungry in order to pay their mortgage and save face.. They shared your day with you,probably spent a lot of money getting there and on the day. That, in my eyes, should really be enough for any bride and groom.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:30pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

How do you know people don't feel duty-bound to go? Seriously? Do you think they'd tell you? I also don't believe you'll never feel duty-bound yourself to attend something you weren't pushed about at some stage in your life.

sweeney1971 · 26-08-2012 5:30pm

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year, really pushed the boat out to make is a fab day for family and friends (6 courses, loads of champers, subsidised rates for the hotel). We wanted to make it a really celebratory day and it was. We had a fantastic time. Most of our family and guests were extremely generous in gifting but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

I would not want you as a friend, you sound so shallow, judging friendships by what they gave or did not give you as a wedding present. Sounds to me you only got married for the fanfare and presents.
Friendships are NOT judged on gifts.

'You can fill a Church with your friends, but only fill the pulpit with your real friends'

amdublin · 26-08-2012 5:31pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Again you are making presumptions you know nothing about. I don't expect everyone will have the best day of their life, but I think they will have fun. Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

Leave out the bitching about it later and sure you'll never know!
You're just presuming/thinking they will have fun. No guarantee of this whatsoever.

Diddler is right: you can only guarantee the b&g will.

El_Dangeroso · 26-08-2012 5:38pm

Quorum wrote: »

How do you know people don't feel duty-bound to go? Seriously? Do you think they'd tell you? I also don't believe you'll never feel duty-bound yourself to attend something you weren't pushed about at some stage in your life.

Because I have pretty much up front stated that if you don't want to come that's fine! Everyone who knows me knows I'm cool with stuff like that. I don't know what other out you can give people. After that it's kind of up to them.

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

amdublin · 26-08-2012 5:41pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Because I have pretty much up front stated that if you don't want to come that's fine! Everyone who knows me knows I'm cool with stuff like that. I don't know what other out you can give people. After that it's kind of up to them.

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

I really get the sense you feel quite superior about what you are doing though.

Quorum · 26-08-2012 5:42pm

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

Maybe I do feel superior, who knows? I personally would feel it's more special with it just being the two of it, surely that's no surprise.

That's a big part of its charm, coupled with the fact that I would find the exchanging of vows a very personal thing. Two stranger being present is grand, they don't know me.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

No can do. Guess I better go and locate a backbone...

Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

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